


Lets Go To Dinner and Not Eat Anything.

by Nicolasgrimshaw



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anorexia, Brief Mentions Of Rape, Cuddling & Snuggling, Declarations Of Love, Eating Disorders, Falling In Love, Fluff, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Insecure Louis, Insecurity, Love, M/M, Making Love, Mental Health Issues, Mild Language, Sleepy Cuddles, anorexic!harry, anorexic!louis, may be triggering, mentions of abuse, there is one little smut scene but it's not even smutty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-08
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-02-12 07:19:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 191,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2100555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicolasgrimshaw/pseuds/Nicolasgrimshaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is one of the 25% of males who suffer from anorexia. He's obsessed with calories and constantly working them off. </p><p>Harry is also one of the 25% of anorexic males. He's obsessed with being able to see his collar bones and balancing a ruler on his hipbones. </p><p>Louis is brand new to the path of recovery and since he and Harry are the only males in the hospitals program they have the honors of rooming with each other. Maybe if they can't fall in love with food, they can fall in love with each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 50 chapters might seem like a lot, but ya know, I was dumb and didn't compile some together when I should've plus they're fluffy so if you love fluff you might like this.

The building was about as welcoming as a morgue and room 13 A was the incinerator ready to just burn Louis to ashes. Room 13 A was to be his new home for the time being, as the nurse had put it. A home away from home, but you should feel welcome in your home, right? To him it was more like a jail cell. The room looked like a basic college dorm a student would be living in. There were 2 beds, 2 dressers, 2 desks, and 2 chairs, 2 suffering adolescents.

The room itself was rather large compared the size of an actual college dorm. The walls were painted white, which after years of wear-and-tear were no longer white, but more of a yellowish tint. If the linoleum had ever been anything other than a glossy beige it wasn't obvious. 

The lighting seemed rather dim, but maybe that was just his mood. A window on the far wall beside a bathroom filtered in gray daylight. It was dreary, not particularly bright considering the gray mass blocking the brilliant sunlight. He wasn't sure if the window actually opened or not, though. Heaven forbid he have fresh air. 

He hefted his torn duffel onto the bed that had no signs of occupancy, as opposed to the bed on the opposite side of the room which was unmade and had a hard cover book lying below the pillow. 

"Group therapy is at 10 o'clock tomorrow." The nurse said flatly after having escorted him to his room. Louis gave him a thin smile. 

"Thanks." 

"And the others are in the dayroom if you wanted to head over there." He added pausing in the doorway. Louis just kept his back turned to him. 

"That's okay, I think I'll just unpack for now." He grumbled unzipping his bag. The Others, he thought, as in the other people dealing with eating disorders who were forced into this program on doctors instructions even though they were perfectly fine. 

He continued to grumble to himself incoherently as he pulled out sets of clothes and shoved them into the empty drawers without a second thought. He should've just skipped that damn wedding! His mother had gotten remarried and in the middle of a dance at the reception he passed out due to fatigue. It was just fatigue, though, but his mother and new step father insisted on taking him to the hospital to make sure he hadn't hit his head too hard and given himself a concussion. 

And that's where they found out Louis only weighed 89 pounds and 2 ounces and after a brutal breakdown of everything about him it seemed they deemed him be underweight considerably. With that knowledge swimming around in everyone's heads he got referred to a "special" hospital that had a "special" department for treating eating disorders and that's where he ended up. 

The inspection he had to go through before entering was brutal. They took away his cell phone, laptop, and wallet. They confiscated his cigarettes, which were contraband according to the nurse, and even took away the lead weights he stashed in his shoes to help burn extra fat when working out. Also contraband. The only thing he was allowed to bring in were his clothes. Even that was pushing the limit. They had to take his blood pressure, measure his height, and weigh him. 

"88 pounds and 4 ounces." The nurse had murmured scribbling it down on his sheet.

-

Louis finished unpacking his clothes and turned his attention to his toiletries. Just a toothbrush, toothpaste, a stick of deodorant, and a comb his mum packed him even though he never used a comb. She also packed him some nicely scented shampoo and body wash which seemed a bit too frilly for him. He was diagnosed with anorexia for crying out loud, smelling like coconut wasn't going to make him feel any better. 

He ventured into the bathroom within the confinement of the room. There was a porcelain toilet and sink, a bathtub with a shower, and one smudged up mirror that only allowed Louis to see himself from the mid abdomen up. Didn't they have any full length mirrors? Apparently not because heaven forbid a person wants to look at their self. They couldn't shield him from his body forever. 

His immediate reflex when he stepped in the bathroom, though, was to look for a scale. At home he'd weigh himself anywhere from 5 to 10 times a day. Sometimes even more. It depended on the day. He'd weigh himself before and after every meal, before and after he worked out, before and after going to the bathroom, and whenever he just happened to be in his bathroom. He was used to always having access go a scale, but now that he was there everything changed. 

He sighed to himself, setting his toothbrush on the counter of the sink and making sure it was no where near the other toothbrush also laying on the counter. But the tooth brush then reminded him that he wasn't in this room alone. He wondered who his roommate was. He was the only other male in this program. He hoped it wasn't an obese compulsive eater. Or anyone who was too much of a slob. Maybe he could be friends with the guy. Or maybe the guy wouldn't want anything to do with him. It was up to fate really. 

Louis put his things in its places and went back out to the room. He glanced at the plastic alarm clock situated on the dresser beside his bed: 5:46. That meant dinner was to be served soon. If he could recall correctly meals were served at 8 o'clock, noon, and 6 o'clock. He clutched his concaved stomach and groaned at the thought of eating in there where they would force him to eat. But this mother did say he was more stubborn than a raccoon. He would always ask how raccoons were supposed to be stubborn and she'd go off on some explanation using an example from the book "Where The Red Fern Grows", but Louis never listened. 

Wasn't a nurse supposed to give him menu or was there supposed to be one posted somewhere? Either way, he'd probably pass out looking at the mountains and mountains of calories they'd be forcing down his throat. He shook his head and cleared this thoughts. 

He wandered back into the room and took a seat on the edge of the bed. If he were blindfolded and asked to identity what the bed was he wouldn't of guessed a bed. He would've guessed it was a block of rock or even a coffin. Not a bed. He glanced around the room. He wished he had his phone. The room was so bland. He'd only been in there for 15 minutes, if even, and he was already bored to death. He fell back against the rock, but then another guy entered the room. He immediately sat up, looking the guy over. 

He seemed to be his age. He wore black skinny jeans, which happened to be baggy on him, and a solid black long sleeve shirt that was stretched passed his fingertips. Obviously an anorexic. Or bulimic, but Louis was just making a snap judgment. He had socks on his feet and brown curly hair pushed back away from his forehead. He was actually pretty attractive at a glance but there was nothing attractive about skin and bones. 

Louis looked at his face. He had lips that were pink like a spring rose and hollow cheeks. His eyes were dull. Louis marveled at him. The boy licked his lips and Louis turned away shyly. 

"Hi," Harry was dazed by the stunning, but thin, boy sitting on the bed across from his. 

"Hi." Louis replied meekly. He wrapped an arm around himself, wrapping his hand around his arm. He shouldn't of worn short sleeves. Short sleeves were so exposing.

"I'm Harry," He introduced himself walking across the room to extend a hand out to Louis. 

"Louis." He let go of his arm to grasp Harry's hand. His hands were so much larger then Louis's, but were just as frail. Harry smiled, but then turned Louis's hand palm down and inspected his knuckles closely. 

"Anorexic?" He questioned in a soft voice, letting go of Louis's hand. "You don't have scars on your knuckles and your smile isn't yellow so I'm guessing you don't induce vomiting somewhat regularly." He joked lightly and Louis tried not to smile, but smiled at him anyway sheepishly. 

"Yeah," He nodded shyly. "How about you? Starver or Inducer?" 

"Starver." Harry answered flatly. "How longs your sentence?" He asked which reminded Louis of being sentenced to jail. Harry stood a few feet in front of him with his arms crossed comfortably. 

"I don't know." Louis answered. "Until I'm considered healthy I guess." He shrugged. "How long have you been here?" 

"Only a week, but its been a brutal week. Let me just tell you, the first few days are the toughest, but if you can get past those you can get past any bad day that's to come afterwards." He gave Louis an uplifting smile. Louis was terrified. "Plus this place isn't actually all that bad, it could be worse." He started to talk with his hands. "In some places the patients don't even have their own bathroom and they have to have a nurse flush for them." Louis grimaced. "Here, as far as I'm concerned, they just go through the bins and have cameras in the bathrooms-"

"What?!" Louis shrieked. 

"It's not so they can watch us shower or anything perverted like that," Harry said in a duh tone and Louis sunk back. "They want to make sure we don't start induce vomiting since we can no longer starve ourselves." He explained with a slight sarcastic edge to his tone. "Which makes it just our luck, we have to eat everything on your plate at meals. Doesn't matter how long it takes, they'll keep us at the table all night, we have to eat everything. And there's nurses constantly patrolling around the table so don't try to hide food in your pockets unless you want to have the skin of your back peeled off relentlessly." He added jokingly. The way he talked sounded like he had been here longer than a week. Louis was even more terrified now. "Other than that, welcome to your own personal hell." Harry finished with a smile. 

"Do you know what they're serving tonight?" Louis asked. 

"I believe its a turkey sandwich, small bowl of tossed salad, apple slices, and a glass of water." Louis gasped in horror. A turkey sandwich was at least 200 calories, salad was only about 40 calories as was a full apple. 

"Do they put dressing on the salad?" Louis asked. 

"Maybe a vinaigrette, but I don't really know." Harry shrugged casually. Louis groaned. Vinaigrette also had, like, 40 calories. That's over 300 calories which would take probably somewhere around an hour and a half to burn off. Shit. He didn't even like salad, it was so tasteless, and he hated apples because they were either too sweet for his liking or too sour and tart. And he wasn't a fan of turkey, he'd prefer chicken. Not that he'd actually eat it anyway. "Well," Harry spoke up cutting off his thoughts. "Ready?" He asked. Louis stood up reluctantly. 

"After your reassuring speech, who wouldn't be?" Louis responded sarcastically and Harry laughed. Louis crossed his arms across his body, not as a way to show hostility or reluctance, but as a way to cover up his body mostly. 

"It's not that bad." Louis gave him a patronizing stare. 

"You have no idea who you're talking to, do you?" Harry just smiled.

"When's the last time you ate?" He asked in return, stumping Louis. 

"I don't really remember."

"Well good luck." 

"Gee, thanks." Louis mumbled. He turned his head down towards the floor and stared at the linoleum. Harry seemed so cheerful and vivacious for someone who had only spent a week so far in the hospital. It made him wonder. 

"I'll show you to the dayroom." Louis followed Harry out the room and into the hallway. "And since we're the only two males rooming together I presume we'll be spending a lot of time together." He said nonchalantly and Louis just looked up at him. Harry wasn't as bad as he was expecting. "Hopefully you won't get annoyed of presence to early on." He winked.


	2. Chapter 2

The dayroom was nothing less of a wreck room that looked liked it belonged to a post apocalyptic nursing home. There was a tilted couch sitting between the far wall and a 1920's looking television set. Shelves lined the adjacent wall with old board games missing pawns and cards. It was a fairly large room, though. Between there and their room they had no where else to go, unless it was the laundry room to wash their clothes or the physical therapy room that housed the work out machines which could only be used when authorized. Wouldn't want anyone losing anymore weight, right?

A few feet across the room were a few tables pushed together to form one line. It looked like half of a school cafeteria. A few girls were situated at the table. 

"Now," Harry spoke again as they strode across the room towards the tables. "Everyone here is pretty friendly, so you don't have to feel unwelcome or anything." He said and Louis nodded. They sat down beside each other and a large girl sitting in front of him kindly introduced herself. She had stringy blonde hair tied back in a loose bun. She wore a tight fitting sweatshirt that really showed off her rolls and had a St. Claire pennant hanging around her neck. 

"I'm Claire." She introduced herself sweetly. 

"Louis." He nodded. 

"What are you here for?" 

"I'm here for the buildings ancient stylistic architecture and expansive history." He joked sarcastically and both Claire and Harry laughed. 

"I'm serious." She said trying to hold her smile back to show she really was serious. 

"I'm here for the wonderful food I get to have shoved down my throat against my will." He said cynically and, again, they both laughed. 

"Well," She started. "As you can tell I have about the opposite problem." Louis smiled at her kindly. He played with the hem of his shirt nervously underneath the table. He was nervous. In a matter of minutes a plate of food was going to be placed before him which he was going to have to eat. He'd rather get lost in the Amazon rainforest than be forced to eat. 

He was anxious as to how the situation would unfold if he refused to eat. But that wasn't an option for him and him not eating wasn't an option for them. A few more people wandered in. Harry was in the middle of a conversation with someone named Macy who was thin but not as thin as Harry or him. She was a dancer with long brown hair pinned up in a bun. She had warm brown eyes and leggings that bagged around her ankles. Another bigger girl sauntered in wearing an oversized Hollister sweatshirt and flip flops whose color had been worn away to nothing. Her name was Annabel. There were a few other thin girls that hurried in right on the dot. 

A door on the near wall that was only permitted to staff opened and the nurses walked out, quickly distributing their plates. The plate was set down in front of Louis and he gawked down at it as if he had never seen such a thing. Everyone at the table slowly began to dig in. Louis just continued to stare down at it. No way was he going to eat all this. He'd have to do countless crunchers and pushups to burn off all the calories he'd eat! 

It was absolutely repulsive. An older lady with bleach fried hair circled their table constantly, making sure everyone was eating. If she weren't there then Louis could easily just take some of the leaves from his salad, or apple wedges, and hide them in his shoes or pockets. 

He picked up his fork that had been preset on his paper napkin and started poking it and prodding it around his salad. He looked around at everyone else subtly. Claire was eating the meal just fine, as was Annabel. The others were a little slower. Harry was slowly eating away at his apple slices. Others were leafing through their salads without a problem.

Louis glanced at the nurse before turning back to his salad. He set his fork on his napkin inconspicuously then took a deep breath. He picked up his napkin quickly, making sure to "accidentally" drop his fork on the dusty, dirty floor below. 

"Oops," He mumbled clumsily. He leaned down and picked it up. "Can I get a new fork?" He asked turning towards the nurse. 

"Just wipe it off," The nurse replied in a flat, professional tone. 

"I could do that, but I'm kind of a germophobe and would really prefer a clean fork that hasn't touched the dirty floor." He lied. The nurse stared at him for a few seconds before walking over and taking the fork from his hands. 

"I'll be back in a second. In the mean time, why don't you actually start eating." She stated firmly. Louis smiled and picked up an apple wedge. 

"Will do." He took a bite out of the apple wedge and started chewing it. He had to keep himself from grimacing before the nurse left the room. As soon as she was gone Louis stuffed the apple wedge in his pocket and spit out the bite he had taken into his napkin, crumbling it up. He now had three apple wedges left on his tray. He took another one and shoved it deep in his pocket. He picked up another one and snapped it in half before shoving one half in his pocket and leaving the other on his plate. 

"Louis, what are you doing?" Harry whispered to him. 

"Eating." He grabbed a couple of leaves from his salad bowl and shoved those in his other pocket. 

"You're gonna get killed if they catch you." Harry whispered sticking his last apple wedge in his mouth. 

"I don't care, I am not eating all of this." Louis snapped sticking a few more leaves in his pocket. The door swung open and Louis jolted up right. Harry rolled his eyes, turning back to his tray, and the nurse walked back over to Louis, handing him his new, clean fork. "Thank you," He said graciously. She smiled thinly and nodded before looking over the table. 

Claire was the first to finish. Then Macy. And soon the number of people at the table lingered to four. Then three. Then two. Then one. Louis literally had tears in his eyes because he was so frustrated. The nurse was constantly reminding him he had to finish his plate or he couldn't leave the table. His throat was tight and his jaw was clenched together angrily. Everything still remained on his plate except for the food shoved in his pocket. The nurse, Debra or Deb, sat across from him, waiting for him to finish patiently. 

"Louis," Deb spoke softly. "The sooner you finish your plate, the sooner you can leave this table and go back to your room." She said. Louis glared at her. His throat was too tight to speak, but he found his voice. Barely. 

"I don't like salad. Its tasteless." He said hoarsely. 

"Then eat your sandwich." She suggested. 

"Turkey is disgusting." He gagged. 

"Then finish your apple slices." She was beginning to lose a little of her patience, but with her line of work she had learned a thing or two about what it meant to be patient. 

"Apples are too sweet for me." 

"Look," Deb said sternly. "I don't want to be sitting at this table any more than you do. If you just eat your food then you can leave. And I know you don't want to eat, but we all don't want to do things in life and eating is not an option for anyone. You have got to eat. Its for your health. Do you want to die?" Her voice was cold and stern. Louis's eyes flicked around the room which had since grown darker from the shadows casted in from the windows. He glanced at the clock: 8:13. It had been pretty much two hours. 

"Yes." He was as quiet as a mouse. Deb took a deep breath. 

"Eat." Louis grit his teeth and picked up half the apple wedge. He popped it in his mouth and paused before biting down on it. He cringed, his face twisted in displeasure as he chewed the apple slice then swallowed. His eyes were misty and his throat burned as he picked up the last apple wedge, forcing it down before wiping his eyes. Deb smiled at him. "Now all you have left is your salad and sandwich." Louis glared down at his food. Fifty two minutes later his plate was empty and his stomach was churning. "You may go back to your room. Lights out in fifteen minutes." Louis stood up, grumbling incoherently under his breath. He felt sick to his stomach. 

"This place sucks ass." He walked quickly out of the dayroom and back into his and Harry's room where Harry lay in sweats on his bed with a book in hand. You wouldn't even have to look at Louis to know he was mad. You could just pick it up from his heavy labored breathing, his clenched fists, and the way he slammed the door behind him. Harry looked up from his book, his neutral expression turning smug. 

"Was beginning to think you escaped." He teased sarcastically. Louis scoffed, pacing across the room into the bathroom. He pulled the salad leaves and apple wedges from his pockets and dropped them in the toilet. He flushed them down, thankful it didn't clog, and went back out into the room. His mind was racked with uneasiness. He just ate over 300 calories, he had to do something. But first, he changed out of his day clothes and into a pair of sweats and a tee shirt. 

After that was squared away, he started pacing in the middle of the room again. His hands were bundled together uneasily. His mind was running over with conflicting thoughts. Tomorrow morning he'd probably end up repeating what happened tonight with breakfast and, if that was the case, he wouldn't make it to the group therapy. 

"Can you please stop pacing?" Harry spoke up lowering his book. "Its distracting." Louis was jittering with nerves. The thought of the amount of calories he just consumed would not leave him alone. It was like a bee constantly swarming around his head, but no matter how many times he batted it away and no matter how many times he thought it actually flew away it showed up again because it had never left in the first place. Harry noticed Louis's distraught expression and tried to ease it. "Look," He started. "The first day is always the hardest-" 

"Technically, my first day will be tomorrow." Louis corrected continuing to pace but glanced at Harry occasionally when he spoke. Harry took a deep breath. 

"Then the first night, or whatever, is always the hardest. But you got through it and I know the thought of eating horrifies you because I was the same way a week ago when I first came here. I spent the entire afternoon sitting at the table with my breakfast plate in front of me." He explained. Some of what he said eased Louis a little bit, but not enough to stop his pacing. "You've just got to break the mindset you've put yourself in and then it gets easier." 

"Have you broken your mindset?" Louis asked. His voice was quiet. Harry bit his lip for a moment, thinking carefully. 

"I'm breaking it." He said. "I haven't quite broken it yet, but it's wearing down." He added with a kind smile. Louis's tension eased away a little bit. "So will you stop pacing, please?" Harry asked then laughed a little. Louis chuckled along nervously and stopped moving. But it killed him. He had to keep moving, he had to keep doing something that would burn the calories he had just eaten. He felt too repressed. Too anxious. 

He dropped to the floor beside his bed and started doing reps of push ups. Harry sighed heavily, rolling his eyes, and just went back to reading his book. Louis turned over on his back and started doing countless crunchers. He alternated between those until he was sweaty and out of breath. He laid of his back catching his breath and the linoleum felt cool against his flushed skin. When he stood up he was light headed at first and things faded from almost complete darkness to normal. But he was used to that. "You could get in trouble if the doctor catches you working out." Harry spoke up again. 

"And if I cared I wouldn't do it." Louis shot back sarcastically. 

"You know," Harry said. "You're very headstrong." Louis rolled his eyes. 

"You don't even know me." Harry smirked at him from behind his book. 

"I know enough." Louis rolled his eyes again. 

"Whatever. I'm taking a shower." He turned around to enter the bathroom. 

"Better be quick." Louis stopped outside the door. 

"Why?" He asked not bothering to turn and face Harry. 

"Lights out is in, like, five minutes and a nurse always comes by to make sure we're in bed 'n shit." Louis scoffed. 

"I'm not five, they can't tell me when to go to bed." Harry laughed. 

"Headstrong." He mumbled shaking his head. Louis shook his head as well, but in annoyance. He entered the bathroom, took his shower, got into bed, and then watched the gloomy shadows dance and move against the wall from moonlight cast in through the window.


	3. Chapter 3

The light of morning that shone through the peek of the blinds was far too bright to be early morning. Louis turned on his side, glancing at the plastic alarm clock beside his bed. 8:18.

He was late for breakfast. 

Not that he actually wanted to eat, but it was his first full day and he didn't want to start out negatively. He quickly jumped to his feet, grabbing clothes from his drawer, then dashed into the bathroom to quickly change. He just tossed his dirty sleep clothes on his bed before slipping into his Vans and walking quickly into the dayroom. Everyone was sitting at the table eating and making light side conversation. Everyone looked up at him as if he were the outcast of the whole city. And really, he was. The people all sitting around the table had been there longer than him and all knew each other. He only knew Harry, but even that wasn't some huge friendship they hit off on. The nurse watched him carefully as he sat down at the only vacant seat next to Claire on the edge of the table. The nurse walked over to him, hands folded behind her back. 

"You're late." She stated.

"Really? I thought everyone was early." He mumbled sarcastically then rubbed his eyes. 

"Don't be late again." She scolded sternly. 

"I'll try not to let my undying love for eating keep me from being late." He added with even more sarcasm than in his first comment. The nurse grit her teeth at him. 

"Drop the attitude." She reprimanded sternly. She turned and went into the kitchen before reappearing with a plate of breakfast food. She placed it down in front of him as he grimaced. 

"Oh yay, the feast for a thousand men." He said sarcastically, yet again. His whole attitude was sarcastic. His outlook on everything here was even more sarcastic. 

"I said to drop the attitude." She reprimanded sternly. 

"And I once said to my mother I ate dinner, we all say things in life." He mumbled picking up his fork and prodded it at the omelet paired with a side of two bacon strips that had been burned to a crisp, a piece of lightly buttered toast, and a glass of orange juice. That was only 250 calories! He couldn't possibly eat that much!

"Do I need to send you to eat in Dr. Bindles office?" She threatened. 

"I don't know, can you maybe cut me a fucking break? Christ, I haven't even been awake for five minutes on my very first day and you're already making it unbearable." He scoffed. The tabled had silenced, but Louis didn't even notice. He had his chin in his palm and stared down at his plate like a reluctant child. 

"You were informed prior to today that breakfast was at 8 and that you were not to be late." She retorted in a softer voice. She had noticed the silence. 

"Do you have to stand here and condescend me? I know the fucking rules, I don't need to be scolded by an overly surly nurse with no sympathy at all." He fired back. Everyone else sitting at the table were quieter than snowflakes falling on a shroud of snow. They were just listening to Louis go at it with the nurse. They were all highly amused, though, and turned their heads down to hide their smiles and suppress their laughter. 

"And why should I have to have sympathy? Or show it?"

"Well, first of all, thank you for admitting that you have no sympathy." Louis spoke boldly and turned to face her. Her lips were pressed together into a thin line of indignation. "And second of all, because you can't expect us to have a good attitude when all you do is act patronizing and rude towards us. Like, show a little kindness, maybe some sympathy. We're all struggling kids striving to find perfection in a world where perfection is glorified, but it doesn't exist. And people with shitty attitudes who can't show a sympathetic emotion, like you, expect us to follow all your stupid rules and change our ways. News flash, your rules all suck and just make me more reluctant to cooperate because in my 14 hours of being here the only people who have shown just a sliver of kindness is Claire and Harry and they're two patients here. You expect me to be all happy-go-lucky about waking up at 8 in the morning to have you guys shove food down my throat? Well I'm sorry I accidentally slept in, I'm an adolescent boy and one of my main priorities is not to make sure I've waken up in time to eat breakfast. It's to sleep, because I'm tired. That's basically every teenagers priority, to sleep and sleep in. So you don't have to be all rude and stern telling me I was late and not to be late again. You could have just reminded me kindly and we wouldn't of had a problem but I don't like being talked to in a stern, strict way just because I did something every single person in this world does. My goodness, lighten up! Speak in a kinder tone, it might just improve everyone's attitude because if we get treated with a bad surly attitude, then you're gonna get a bad surly attitude in return." Everyone was staring up at him in amazement. His breath was shallow for talking so much and so fast. The nurse stared at him blankly. 

"Grab your plate." Was all she said before turning her back to him. He sighed and picked up his silverware wrapped in his napkin and plate before stepping behind the nurse. She started walking towards the door which he reluctantly followed. He followed her down the hallways before stopping outside a closed door. 

Dr. Bindle, it read on a placard beside the door. She opened the door before pushing Louis inside. He stumbled forward and Dr. Bindle looked up from his papers on his desk. 

"We need to talk about his attitude, he's been talking back ever since he came into the dayroom for breakfast, which he was late for because he slept in. It's unacceptable." Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Thanks tattletale Sally," He mumbled down into his lap. He had taken a seat in the chair placed directly in front of Dr. Bindles desk and placed his plate in his lap. 

"I'll handle it Ingrid." He responded kindly. Nurse Ingrid, or whoever because Ingrid was a weird name, smiled and left, closing the door loudly behind her. Dr. Bindle turned to Louis, folding his hands together on the desktop, and flashed him a false smile. "So, first day and you somehow manage to end up in my office." He said in some amusement and Louis just rolled his eyes again. 

"Feels like the first day of school all over again." He mumbled under his breath and Dr. Bindle chuckled deeply. 

"Now, I know you don't want to be here-"

"Wow, with a great observation like that you should've been a rocket scientist." Louis cut in. Dr. Bindles smile slowly dropped. 

"Okay, those are the kinds of comments that you should just keep to yourself and not say out loud." He said strictly. 

"So you want me to stop being myself." Louis stated crossing his arms. 

"No, just stop with your little sarcastic cracks."

"That's rich." Louis laughed. "I've been awake for only 15 minutes. I'm just having a bad morning and its not like my sarcasm is very consistent. At least you can't really say that since I've only been here for less than a day, literally, and I just happened to be sarcastic to one nurse." 

"Okay, well, just make sure to be respectful and kind." Dr. Bindle replied flatly. 

"Respect is earned in my world, if you want it, give it, and so far nurse Ingrid, or whoever, hasn't acted very respectful." Louis crossed his arms loosely across his chest. 

"She's a nurse. She has to be strict and stern to make sure you guys don't get out of line." Dr. Bindle said as his patience slowly began to give away. 

"Oh yes, heaven forbid one of us might actually stand up for ourselves." Louis managed a small smirk.

"I think you're blowing this way out of proportion." He said simply with his hands in the air. 

"And I think you are too. Speaking of proportions, do I seriously have to eat all of this? Because its an awful amount and my toast is soggy and the bacon is way too over done and half the cheese in my omelet doesn't even seem like its melted." He gestured to the plate with a repulsed expression on his face. 

"Yes." Dr. Bindle replied stiffly. "It's part of the rules and you promised to abide by them when you signed the consent form coming in here." 

"Technically I didn't have a choice to sign that so it seems contradictory to call it a consent form...," He trailed off with a nonchalant shrug. 

"Well you signed it so...," Dr. Bindle replied in a mocking way. Louis glared at him. 

"If I wanted to be condescended to I would've stayed in the dayroom with the surly nurse." He turned his gaze to the ground. 

"Louis," Dr. Bindle leaned forward on his desk. "Just eat and then you can leave." 

"All the incentive to actually eat for once." He said sarcastically. "Can't I just go back to the dayroom?" He asked looking over at him. 

"No." Dr. Bindle gave him a thin smile. Louis scowled, turning his head down to his plate. His arms remained crossed just like Dr. Bindles expression, cross. The room was quiet and Dr. Bindle started filing through his papers like he had been doing when Louis was first forced into the room. He slumped back, not wanting to eat, but what was new? 10 minutes passed and everything still remained on his place. "Eat." Dr. Bindle said without looking up from his paper. 

"You can't force me against my will to eat." Louis retorted. Dr. Bindle looked up at him tiredly. 

"Just eat your food then you can return to your room. Remember, group therapy is at 10." He said. "Hopefully you'll finish in time." He added sarcastically. Louis glanced at the clock. 8:53. He groaned in resistance but then picked up his soggy toast. He took a bite out of it before almost choking on it. The toast had a grainy substance as he chewed it and it left a gritty feeling on his teeth after he swallowed. And 46 minutes later the only thing left on his plate were the scratches from recoveries past. 

-

After having to drop his dirty plate off in the kitchen he returned back to his room feeling mentally exhausted. Harry was sitting in the chair of his desk with a book in hand. Louis wasn't sure what you could possibly use the desk for but then noted how Harry's was littered with different books. And at least if they got tired of sitting in a bed all day they could sit in a chair. 

"That was a pretty amusing scene back there this morning." Harry said without looking up from his book. Louis rolled his eyes, striding across the room and falling against his bed. 

"Glad it made you laugh." He muttered flatly. He sighed, feeling full from his disgusting breakfast he had to force down. 

"Doesn't take much to tick you off, does it?" He asked turning the page. 

"Nope," Louis shook his head. "The workers here are just surly and rude and. . .stupid." He said making Harry chuckle. 

"I'd say that's a hard assumption to make when you've only been here for less than 24 hours but your judgment is spot on." He turned around with a playful smirk on his lips. 

"Does that Dr. Bindle guy run the group therapy thing at 10?" Louis asked. 

"No," Harry shook his head. "Another doctor does. Dr. Wentz." 

"Good, Dr. Bindle is annoying." Harry chuckled. 

"Then you're gonna love Dr. Wentz." He said and Louis groaned. 

"What's he like?" Louis asked glancing at the clock. Only about ten minutes till the therapy. 

"He's just annoying and is all about talking so be expected to talk a lot." Louis rolled his eyes. "And he gives everyone a journal and we get these stupid assignments like "write about a time in your life when you were happiest" then we all have to read what we've written the next time." He added and Louis groaned again, louder this time.

"That's so stupid." 

"Well, life is stupid." Harry said chuckling. 

"Tell me something I don't know." Louis rolled his eyes yet again. He hefted himself up into a sitting position and crossed his legs. He looked at Harry. He wore another flannel shirt that exposed his extremely prominent collar bones and hollow chest. It looked like Louis wrap his fist right Harrys collar bones, and the shadows casted from his shirt collar made the dip seem deeper than it was. "What made you want to. . .starve yourself?"

"What?" Harry asked even though he fully heard and comprehended what Louis had asked. But it was quite a random question Louis seemed to just grab out of the air.

"What made you, like, decide to starve yourself?" He asked again a little bit more shyly this time. Harry chuckled lightly, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly as if Louis had just asked him what his favorite color was. 

"What can I say? I'm a struggling child striving to find perfection in a world where perfection doesn't exist." He replied with a smirk. Louis smiled at him. 

"But what is perfection?" He asked in a joking manner before laughing softy. 

"Being perfect." Harry crossed his arms and his smirk humbled into a smile. 

"Then what is perfect?" 

"Having no mistakes or flaws." He stated. "Which everyone in this world has so the concept of being perfect and having perfection cannot be achieved in literal terms." He glanced at the clock. "C'mon, group meets in a couple minutes." He placed his book on the desk, pulled out a little journal from the drawer, and stood up. Louis stood up as well and followed him over to the door. They both walked down to the dayroom room where group therapy took place. 

"What book were you reading?" Louis asked curiously as they made their way down the hall. Now, they and all the other eating disorder patients only made up one wing of a much larger hospital. The hospital helped treat people with all sorts of mental illnesses and psychological disorders. They were only a small part of that. They were in the EDU. Eating Disorder Unit. 

"Relic." Harry answered. "By Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child." 

"What's it about?" 

"Its about this Amazonian monster that gets loose in a museum just when they're about to have the grand opening of a new exhibit. Its really good, you should read it sometime." Louis smiled. 

"Maybe when you're done reading it I could borrow it." He suggested bashfully. A small smile tugged at Harry's lips. 

"This is my third time reading it so I can just let you borrow it now."

"Okay." They made it to the room where chairs were set in a circle. Dr. Wentz was already situated in a chair and so were a few other people. Harry sat down and Louis sat down in the chair beside him. They talked idly while everyone else showed up. Dr. Wentz reached over to Louis, handing him small journal with a paper thin black cover. 

"Glad you could join us." He greeted and Louis just rolled his eyes, gripping the little book lightly. "So, why don't we get started." He then said to everyone. "As you guys may of noticed, we have someone new joining us." He added and Louis looked down at his lap feeling completely embarrassed. Did Dr. Wentz seriously have to point it out that he was new? "So why don't we all go and just introduce ourselves." He turned to Claire who sat next to him. 

"I'm Claire." She said with a smile. 

"I'm Macy." She added flatly. 

"My names Jay Lynn." Said the next girl who almost seemed to be of normal weight. 

"Annabel." Said the girl with the colorless flip flops. 

"I'm Eleanor." The girl said with a kind smile. 

"I'm Harry." Harry added with a chuckle. Everybody looked at him with anticipation. 

"I'm Louis." He introduced himself shyly. 

"My names Morgan." She said not so enthusiastically. 

"Patricia." The younger girl said. She seemed to be only 15, maybe 16. And the last girl in the loop said,

"I'm Liz." 

"So," Dr. Wentz continued on. "Tell us why you're here." He simply said and Louis glanced around the circle before gawking at him. 

"Excuse me?" 

"You know, just maybe say what provoked your disorder." 

"Excuse me?" He repeated in a sterner tone. He didn't even know these people, why the hell would he talk about what caused him to want to starve himself?

"Louis, it's okay to open up, thats why we're all here." Dr. Wentz spoke sincerely. "Everyone here is going through the same exact thing as you, just in a different form so it's not like you're going through this alone or that everyone here is going to judge you based upon what you say or what led you to develop your disorder. It might be hard to start talking, but talking gets easier once you start." He said and Louis just continued to stare at the floor. "Does anyone else want to talk about what led to the cause of theirs?"

"Well I was trying to lose weight for a ballet audition with the Joffrey Ballet School in the US." Macy explained. "And before I knew it all I could think about was losing weight and restricting my diet and making sure I was as skinny or even skinnier than the other girls trying out also." She said. "Then in the middle of my audition I passed out and was taken to the hospital where they decided I was anorexic, sent me back home to Doncaster, and now I'm here." She finished with a shrug. 

"My friend showed me a thinspiration site dedicated to anorexia and bulimia and just helping people get thinner and it kind of just sucked me in." Eleanor said sadly. Louis sighed. 

"I was on a cheer team-" Some of the girls snickered. He grit his teeth, glaring at the girls who laughed. "What?" He barked at them. 

"Nothing," said Macy. "Just, a guy being in cheerleading is kind of gay." She laughed. 

"And a ballerina being anorexic doesn't surprise a lot of people, right?" He shot back and she pressed her lips together tightly. "Guess we both fit the stereotypes."

"Hey, Harry's gay too." Harry's eyes widened. 

"Liz." He whispered threateningly. Louis glanced at Harry with a softened expression and Harry looked down at his lap with red cheeks. 

"Anyway, Louis why don't you continue what you were saying." Dr. Wentz said trying to move everyone on. Louis sighed again, crossing his arms and sinking back in his chair. 

"Well, I used to be on a competition cheer team and they had these things called weigh ins to make sure we weren't over or under the weight limit they set and if you were over it or under it then you were cut off the team for the season and one time I was literally one pound away from being over the set limit so I decided I would just try and lose a few pounds." He explained solemnly. "And pretty soon a few pounds was a few more pounds and I ended up getting cut because I was under the limit and it just kept deteriorating after that." He said. "And my boyfriend," He shot Macy a spiteful look. "Used to tease me a lot. He once joked to our friends that I was pregnant because apparently that's how I looked." He added quietly under his breath. 

"That's stupid." Patricia commented. "And rude, that's not even, like, a joke." She added. 

"I would've dumped him." Morgan stated. 

"You're not still with him are you? That's so disrespectful." Macy chimed in. 

"Nope," Louis answered. "He called me a fucking lost cause then proceeded to tell me he had been cheating on me with some clinker he met in a strip club a couple months before hand." He added. 

"Whatta douche." Jay Lynn mumbled. 

"That sucks." Morgan added. 

"Yeah, well, maybe he's not wrong." Louis muttered. 

"You are not a lost cause if that's what you're implying." Harry spoke up. Louis wondered if Dr. Wentz was gonna cut in at any time. 

"Well, we'll just have to see." Louis mumbled. Who would've guessed he said it sarcastically. 

"Okay," Dr. Wentz cut in. "Why don't we move on." So after 50 minutes of grueling conversation about how to become comfortable in their own bodies again and other related topics, they were all sent back to their rooms with the usual assignment Harry had talked about. Today's assignment was to write down 10 things you loved about yourself. Physical or not. But Louis didn't love anything about himself so he had nothing to write down.


	4. Chapter 4

"So Louis," Dr. Wentz said. "What's one thing you wrote down?" It was a day later and Louis was sitting in the stupid little therapy group circle thing again. He wasn't sure if he could handle this everyday. Breakfast had lasted a grueling 53 minutes, but he was slowly giving up his resistance. Which meant they were getting to him and that was bad. 

Louis let out a sigh and stared down at his sheet of paper. It was empty, kind of like him. Everyone had to go around and say one thing they wrote down, but he hadn't anything to write down. Write ten things you love about yourself? That'd be like asking him to make water float in thin air or teach a dog to speak English. 

"I didn't have a pencil so I didn't write anything down." He stated in a muffled tone. Dr. Wentz blinked at him, exhaling, and shifted around in his seat. So far Macy had said she liked how she was outgoing, Jay Lynn had said she liked her eyes, Annabel said she liked her smile, and Harry had said he liked the way his collar bones stuck out, jokingly of course, then said he liked his smile as well. And then it was Louis's turn. 

"Well then why not just say something right now." Dr. Wentz suggested. Louis pursed his lips together apprehensively. 

"Truth be told, I would have nothing to say." He answered quietly. 

"There must be something you like about yourself." 

"Well there isn't." Louis's tone turned more agitated and he crossed his arms tightly across his body. 

"There has to be something. You can't possibly hate everything about yourself." Dr. Wentz pushed on. Louis was growing angry with him. He can't be a doctor working with teens suffering from eating disorders and have the audacity to tell them that there has to be something they love about them self. It was just outrageous.

"Well I do." Louis stated stiffly. "I hate myself. I hate everything about me. If I only hated some parts about myself then I would specify those parts. But I hate everything about me therefore I hate myself and have no further words so if you'd please not try and push me it'd be appreciated." There was a burn in the back of his throat like bile was rising slowly with each word he spoke. His stomach was twisted into horribly tight knot and quite frankly, all he wanted to do was go back to his room and sleep. 

"Okay," Dr. Wentz gave him a thin smile. He turned to Liz who was to Louis's left. 

"Well if he doesn't have to answer then I'm not either." She said stubbornly and crossed her arms as well. Dr. Wentz exhaled deeply and turned back to Louis. 

"Would you just please say something?" He asked helplessly. 

"No." 

"C'mon Louis, you need to participate. I'm sure there were others in here who thought they didn't like anything at all about themselves, but they found something." Dr. Wentz urged. 

"Well, I'm not them." Louis retorted spitefully. The bile seemed to be rising higher and higher and he had a horrible taste in his mouth. 

"Louis-" 

"Would you stop?" He burst out furiously. "Do you know how hard it is trying to think of something you like about yourself when you honestly hate everything about yourself?" Dr. Wentz was speechless. "And when you keep saying, "Oh, you must like something, you can't possibly hate everything," you're just making it harder for me because guess what? You can and when you repeat that over and over I just begin to hate myself even more because I can't think of anything that I do like about myself! But you know what I can tell you? I can tell you why I do hate myself. I hate myself because I am disgusting, I am a shitty person with an even shitty personality, and I'm pretty much worthless. When I think those things about myself it is hard to look passed them and think of something that would in a sense be the complete opposite. So there, maybe you should realize who you're fucking talking to before asking them questions like that then hounding them when they can't think of an answer. It's harder than it seems, after all, you're not the one with an eating disorder." The noose he had tied around his neck tightened. 

His throat was so tight that it burned and his voice cracked. His vision was misty. Blue devils danced around his heart to his merry tune. Harry, who sat on his right, reached over subtly and placed his hand on his back. He started rubbing gentle circles on his back soothingly, but Louis jumped forward in his chair at the contact as an instinct. Harry, taking the hint, bit his cheek and retracted his hand. The entire room was quiet. The silence was like a broken lighthouse for the hopeful. 

"I see we have a little work to do." Dr. Wentz tried to lighten the mood with his joking manner, but it only made the tension grow thicker. Louis crossed his arms and glared at him. Dr. Wentz cleared his throat and turned back to Liz. 

"My smile."

-

"I hate Dr. Wentz." Louis announced as he and Harry went back to their room after the therapy session. The daily assignment was to write about their happiest memory and why it was their happiest then their saddest and why it was their saddest. That was really going to help a lot. 

"I don't like him either." Harry agreed. Louis threw his journal on his desk. Harry walked to his desk, pulled open a drawer, and withdrew a pencil. "Here." He stepped over to Louis and held it out to him. Louis grabbed it and tossed it onto his desk before dropping on his bed. 

"Thanks." He grumbled not so thankfully. Harry drew in an unsure breath and idled by his desk. He stuck his hands in his pockets before withdrawing them and rubbing his sweaty palms together. His heart was thumping in his ear. 

"I, um, I know how you feel about not liking anything about yourself and..all that." He said awkwardly. Louis turned on his side and sat up, looking up at Harry. 

"Thanks." His whole demeanor changed. He went from surly and aggravated to relaxed and calm. At least he sounded more sincere than the first time. He smiled a little and Harry smiled back. "So," Louis started. "About that book, Relic?" He asked. 

"Oh!" Harry jumped and turned to his desk. He pulled open a drawer and took out the tattered book with poor binding. "It's really good. I couldn't put it down the first time I read it." He exclaimed in excitement. Louis looked over the cover of the book and actually smiled a little. He didn't usually read, he didn't even like reading, but maybe this was the start of a change. 

"So," Louis placed the book beside his leg on the bed. Harry pulled out the desk chair and faced it towards the corner of Louis's bed, sitting down. "Are you from here?" He asked, meaning Doncaster. 

"Well I was originally born in Holmes Chapel, but when I was around seven my parents divorced. It was a real mess so my mum decided to move us here and kind of start over." Louis nodded lackadaisically.

"My father didn't even file for a divorce, he just left one day. We have no idea where he went." Harry looked at him solemnly. 

"That's tough." He said softly. 

"Yeah." Louis agreed. "And then my mother started dating this complete douche bag, Dean." He said like he had smelled something fowl. "Then they got married and I was forced to go to the wedding and its reception which is the whole fucking reason I was forced into this hospital." He added staring down into his lap. 

"What happed at the wedding?" Harry asked. Louis shifted around uncomfortably and rubbed the back of his neck. 

"Well, like I said, it was at the reception. By then I hadn't eaten anything at all in, like, a week or two." He admitted. "I was exhausted and even more exhausted from wedding preparations and helping my mum get ready for everything...," He explained. "During one of the dances I passed out and I guess I hit my head hard on the floor so she wanted to take me to the hospital to make sure I didn't have a concussion. I refused, but she and Dean," He grimaced. "Took me anyway and they had to take my weight and height, and all, and I guess some red flags were raised, so turns out I didn't have a concussion, but anorexia." He finished. "What about you?" He quickly asked shining the spot light on Harry. 

"Well I went to South High-"

"I went to North." Louis cut in and Harry smiled at him. 

"And in P.E. we have to do this fitness testing which requires taking our height and weight and I weighed, like, ninety one pounds which worried my gym teacher so she brought it to the counselors office who then proceeded to pull me out of class to have a talk about my dramatic weight loss since last year in eleventh year I weighed around 165 pounds and my counselor wanted to refer me to a medical doctor, which I refused, but they called my mum and informed her of my weight, which caused her to worry and stress out, and she started forcing me to eat breakfast and dinner with her, which I refused and if I did eat I'd just take a little E-Lax to get rid of it, and eventually I was forced to the doctor and they referred me here." Louis simply nodded. 

"Wow." 

"Yeah," Harry mumbled awkwardly. Louis felt odd talking about this. He had never talked to anyone before about his anorexia or even his mums wedding. But he felt oddly comfortable with Harry. Maybe it was because Harry was another guy dealing with the same thing he was. "So why is your mums step husband a douche bag?" He asked curiously. Louis sighed. 

"I don't know." He admitted defeated. "He's just annoying and rubs me the wrong way." Harry snickered. Louis crossed his arms and rolled his eyes at Harry's immaturity. "I thought you were 19." He joked and Harry laughed. 

"I am." He nodded. "But I wouldn't say my maturity level is that high." 

"I can see that." Louis retorted and Harry laughed. Louis glanced at the clock only to see that lunch was nearing soon. He turned back to Harry and asked if he had any siblings which led to a long conversation about family members and family stories. Time seemed to stand still. Maybe it was just Louis admiring the way Harry talked. Or because he loved the sound of Harry's voice. He had such a deep and lovely voice. It was mesmerizing, his tone, really. And before Louis even knew it it was time for lunch. 

"Is it already time for lunch?" Harry asked in disbelief. Louis smiled fondly and nodded his head. "Wow." He added in astonishment.

"Time flies when you're having fun." Louis said standing up. Harry smirked at him, raising an eyebrow. 

"Time is fun when you're having flies." He joked. Louis laughed happily, like he was actually laughing and the sound of that made Harry smile. His laughter filled his ears, it was like he was hearing sunshine laugh. It was just a pure and beautiful sound.

Louis, on the other hand, couldn't believe he let such an ugly noise come out of his mouth. Upon reflex he clamped his hand over his mouth to silence himself. His eyes were wide with embarrassment. He sounded like a fucking hyena choking on something, how were Harry's ears not bleeding? 

"Oh my goodness, I can't I just made that noise." He mumbled in utter humiliation. He wanted to crawl into a pit of lava and let it slowly engulf him. Harry looked down at him with a puzzled expression. When Louis said "that noise" he didn't think he was talking about his laugh. 

"What noise? You were just laughing." He spoke softly and Louis looked up at him. His hands were back around himself and his face looked like it had been painted red. 

"No, my laugh is so ugly, I sound so annoying." He stated and Harry couldn't help but laugh as a small smile spread across his lips. 

"You do not, I think you have an adorable laugh." Louis just looked down shyly. He most definitely did not sound cute when he laughed. He even annoyed himself whenever he laughed. It's the reason his jaw tends to hurt so much because before he always used to clench his jaw and grit his teeth to deliberately keep himself from laughing. 

"I don't, but thanks." He replied shyly. He looked up at Harry with a small smile before walking over to the door. Harry's chest hurt because his heart was swelling with affection.


	5. Chapter 5

Rain pounded against the side of the hospital and lightning lit up their room for a split second before thunder caused everyone to jolt awake in fear. Louis buried his face under his pillow and pulled his blanket over his head in hopes of drowning out the sound of the storm because he hated thunder storms almost as much as he hated eating. He eventually gave up trying to sleep and turned on his back, grunting in frustration. He looked up at the ceiling, breathing deeply. Across the room Harry stirred in his bed, watching the rain hit against the window. He sighed. 

"Harry?" Louis called out over the sound of the storm. 

"Yeah?" He responded. 

"Are you awake?" 

"No." Harry stated and Louis smiled lazily. "Actually, I was just getting ready to go elephant hunting if you'd like to join." He joked. 

"I don't think its elephant hunting season, though." 

"What?" Harry asked unable to hear Louis over the thunder.

"Huh?" Louis asked confused. 

"I can't hear you." Harry said. 

"What?" Louis asked. Harry groaned. He threw his blanket off himself and stood up, stumbling across the room in a tired daze. Louis scooted to the edge of his bed and Harry dropped down beside him, pulling the blanket over himself and getting cozy beside Louis. Louis smiled at him. 

"What?" He asked teasingly and they both chuckled softly. 

"I can't sleep." Louis said frowning. 

"Neither can I." Harry agreed with a small sympathetic smile. 

"I thought you were getting ready to hunt elephants." Louis teased biting back his smile. Harry laughed and he smiled back, his heart couldn't get any bigger with affection as he lay beside the cute blue eyed boy. 

"Don't take this too forwardly," He started. "But you have a beautiful smile." He whispered and Louis turned to hide his face in his pillow, smiling even bigger than before with rosy red cheeks. 

"Shut up," He said in a happy tone of voice. He turned his head back on its side and gazed at Harry who was exceptionally close. They were both lying on a twin bed which definitely was not made for two people. Their noses were about 3 inches away from each others, if even.

"Do you like storms?" Harry whispered. 

"No." Louis answered with a frown. "I always got scared of them when I was a kid." 

"Well, good thing you aren't a kid now." Harry joked. Louis rolled his eyes at Harry's comment and smiled. 

"Sometimes I wish I was a kid again." He said. When he was a kid, life was so much more simpler. His parents were happily married, his sisters weren't as much as a pain as they were now, and he was oblivious to the fact that the world was a cruel and corrupted place. He tucked the blanket under his arm and sighed sadly against his pillow. 

"Life was much easier as a kid." Harry remarked. It was as if he could read his thoughts.

"Tell me about it." Louis rolled his eyes. "When I was littler all I worried about was which one of my markers would dry out first. Or which page from my coloring book I would choose to color first." He explained. "Then I grew older and I began to worry about a lot more than my markers drying out. I was always worried what people were thinking about me. Or if they were saying stuff behind my back. I worried about getting good grades, and my friends, and relationships. I worried about passing the fucking weigh in for cheer comp. which led to me worrying about my weight and everything." He rambled on. "I didn't sign up for any of that. I never wanted to have to worry about my fucking weight. I never wanted to have to worry about anyone finding out about my anorexia and sending me to a place like this." He bit his tongue. "But I guess you don't always get what you want." It only took one little statement to send him off ranting. And a lot of the people usually just stopped listening to him. But not Harry. Harry listened to Louis intently, taking in every word. 

"I know exactly how you feel." Harry said. "If I'm not worrying about this, I'm worry about that. Of course, being in here has taken away a lot of my worries, like school and friends, but I'm most worried about my weight still and that over shines most of my other worries." He added. "I mean, I used to be so worried about my weight and eating it kept me from doing everyday things." 

"I think that's happened to everyone with an eating disorder." Louis continued. "You know, being kept from doing everyday things." He added. "It affected all my decisions. It affected what I did physical activity wise, what I bought at the store, if I went out. Then one day I kind of just stopped going out and stayed in my room." Louis's tone turned somber. It felt like he had no weight on his shoulders getting this all off his chest to Harry. He loved being able to talk to someone who actually truly understood everything he had gone through and felt and went through the exact same thing. It was this feeling he couldn't describe. 

"Same here." He said. "My mother thought I had just become depressed so she sent me to a therapist once. And I say only once. The lady came to the decision that I didn't have depression so I never had to see her again." He said with a soft smile. 

"Instead you get to see Dr. Bindle and Wentz." Louis joked and Harry chuckled softly. 

"Even better." He rolled his eyes. 

"My mum doesn't care enough about me to pick up on my change of behavior." Louis said softly. "She was too busy with her fucking boyfriend and planning their stupid wedding. If I hadn't passed out at their reception I'd probably still be at home right now locked in my room." 

Harry wouldn't admit it, but a part of him was glad Louis passed out at his mothers wedding. Because if not then he might not be there right now and Harry would be in the room alone watching the rain run down the window wishing he wasn't the only male in the EDU. 

But he was there. Lying parallel to him on the tiny twin mattress and Harry had never been more content talking about his struggles or listening to someone else's. 

"At least she cared enough to bring you to the doctor after you had fainted. She could've just given you a glass a water and walked off." Louis rolled his eyes, but in the darkness it went unnoticed by Harry. 

"I kind of wished she would've done that." Louis admitted and Harry bit the inside of his cheek. "I don't know, it's confusing." He sighed. "Like, if I hadn't been brought to the doctor then how long would it have been till I just dropped dead of malnutrition?" He asked. 

"That's a scary thought." Harry looked at him intently. His eyes seemed so much brighter than usual. Maybe it was because the moonlight was illuminating them or maybe it was because Louis truly had light inside of him that was fighting hard to break through the darkness. You can't follow the light if you are the light. "We're so consumed with the thought of not eating anything because we think its helping us, but in the long run we're battling between life and death." Louis was quiet. "That's what eating disorders are, they're literally a war between living a healthy life and bringing ourselves to the brink of death." 

"Yet we still feel the need to starve ourselves." He mumbled quietly. He had never actually thought about dying due to not eating. For some reason it never registered in his brain. He had heard of malnutrition before, but didn't think that would, or even could, happen to him. Little did he know he practically was already malnourished. 

"Its crazy. It's like this giant mind game you play with yourself that has no end. There's no win or loss." Harry said. 

"I hate games." Louis didn't try to make it sound like it was meant to be funny, but Harry laughed anyway.

"Well you joined one you can't get out of." He then said seriously. "Its like we bought a one way ticket cos we can't come back. Everything that happens next, happens post eating disorder." He added under his breath. 

"Isn't that why we're here though?" Louis asked. 

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Can we talk about something cheerier?" Louis asked yawning. Harry grinned, nestling his head against the small corner of the pillow Louis was allowing him to use. 

"Like what?" He asked. Louis shrugged his shoulders. 

"I don't know, the stars." Harry gave him a dubious look. 

"You want to talk about stars?" He questioned unsurely and Louis nodded his head confidently. 

"Yeah, like, stars are really fascinating, you know?" Harry tried to keep a straight face, but just ended up shaking his head as he laughed. Louis frowned a little. "Are you laughing at me because I said we should talk about stars?" His tone took a knife and stabbed it into Harry's heart. He sounded so sad, so...disappointed as if he had been laughed at or made fun of before for wanting to talk about stars and what not.

"Oh my goodness, of course not." Harry assured quickly. Louis's expression remained the same and Harry broke out into a cold sweat for whatever reason that remained unknown to him. "I would never laugh at you, or anyone. I was just, like, laughing at myself because I've never really cared about the stars that much or particularly thought about them and the fact that something you want to talk about is the stars is intriguing." He babbled on and Louis managed a small smile, rolling his eyes at him. 

"I just think they're beautiful." He mumbled sighing contently. 

"They are pretty beautiful if you actually take the time to look at them." Harry added. He pressed his lips together softly and gazed back at Louis who had stars in his eyes. He just loved the stars.

The stars were so calming. He bet stars didn't have to worry about their weight, or calorie intake, or just life in general. Well, stars weren't alive so he knew that...but he wished he could be a star and shine carelessly over different parts of the world, looking down at all the other people who were too stressed by life's iron fist to enjoy the simplicity of beauty. 

"Like, people never seize the opportunity to cherish simple things such as the stars." Harry was more than intrigued, he was taken away by Louis's insight. "The sad thing is that the opportunity is always there. The stars are the only things that are constant. Like, I can wake up in the morning and know that when the sun goes down the stars are going to be there. I know that there won't ever be a night where the sun sets and the stars aren't there." 

"You sound like a philosopher or something." Harry teased smiling with endearment. Louis grinned lazily. 

"I'm just tired and babbling." He joked. 

"But that's pretty interesting, though."

"That I'm tired and babbling?" Louis joked again making Harry smile. 

"No, that you think the stars only shine at night." Louis furrowed his eyebrows together at him questionably, but then just closed his eyes and shook his head. 

"You can't see them in the daylight."

"But you know they're there." Louis laughed ever so softly. 

"I am tired and am going to go to sleep now." He announced in a soft tone. A silence swayed over them and they settled down drowsily. The thunder had stopped and the rain was just drizzling down now. Everything was calmer and Louis was just hoping Harry wouldn't leave his bed.

-

When they woke up the sun was shining and the birds were chirping happily. Harry was still lying beside Louis in the same position he had been the entire night. They were both curled forward, towards each other, and their foreheads were pressed together. Their legs touched and their breaths got mixed together in the little space there was between them. Louis rolled over on his back and yawned. He sighed contently and sat up, glancing at the clock. 7:17 a.m. 

"What time is it?" Harry asked, voice heavy with sleep. 

"7:17." Louis answered scratching the back of his neck. Harry opened his eyes and propped up on his forearms. 

"I see the suns out." He commented with lazy smile. In reality he was talking about Louis. Louis was the sun. 

"Better than storm clouds." Louis said and yawned again. Both of their attentions turned to the door which Nurse Ingrid had pulled  opened and stopped short inside. She was holding fresh towels in her hand, but was looking at Louis and Harry discombobulated, wondering why they were both in the same bed. "What?" Louis snapped annoyed by her confusion that she didn't even try to hide. 

"Did you two sleep in the same bed last night?" She asked raising an eyebrow. 

"Yes, why do you sound so confused?" He asked standing up. 

"Why?" She asked disregarding Louis's question. 

"Because we had sex last night." Louis snapped and rolled his eyes. Harry stifled his laughter and covered his face with the blanket. "We couldn't sleep last night because of the storm so we were just talking and happened to fall asleep." Louis explained to calm her bewildered expression. "Even then, it doesn't really even matter." He added and took the towels from her hands. "See you at breakfast." He smiled thinly and turned around to put the towels in the bathroom. Ingrid just blinked slowly, unsure of what even just happened. She turned around and left the room. After hearing the door click shut, Harry pulled the blanket off himself. Louis left the bathroom and glanced at Harry. 

"Your attitude is so amusing." Harry said still smiling in amusement. Louis scoffed. 

"Me? Attitude? What are you talking about?" He joked leaning against the bathroom doorframe. 

"Of course not." Harry teased rolling his eyes. 

"I'm an angel." Louis said crossing his arms and sticking his nose high in the air. 

"You look like an angel, walk like an angel, and talk like an angel, but you're the devil in disguise."

"Devil In Disguise by Elvis Presley?" Louis questioned with a smile. 

"Of course, who doesn't love the king?" Harry asked sitting up right. 

"My favorite song of his is Can't Help Falling In Love."

"And I can't help falling in love with you," Harry sang slowly to the tune of the song. Louis's gaze turned to the floor to hide his blushing cheeks. He didn't even know why he was blushing! It's not like Harry was actually singing to him or anything.

"We should probably start getting ready so we aren't late for breakfast." He said looking up quickly. "Heaven forbid." He added chuckling. 

"Heaven forbid you end up alone, I don't know why." Harry sang softly. 

"You like The Fray?" Louis asked curiously. 

"Of course." Harry stated. Louis smiled cutely. He and Harry seemed to have a lot in common. Musically wise that is. And physically.

"I love them." Louis admitted shyly. 

"You have good taste." Louis smiled at the ground and gripped the hem on his shirt, playing with it nervously.

"Well, I'm taking a shower." He informed. 

"Have fun." Harry teased. Louis just smiled. He walked over to his dresser and pulled out some clean clothes to wear for the day then went back to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. It was phenomenal how easy it was for Harry to make him smile.


	6. Chapter 6

Breakfast that morning was barely bearable. It was the same disgusting meal as yesterday except this one looked grosser than the other. Louis sat down across from Harry who sat down next to Macy who wouldn't shut up about ballet. Louis just nodded along and pretended he understood what she was talking about. 

"So Louis, how long were you on a competition cheer team?" She asked glancing over at him. Louis looked up from his plate, which he hadn't touched yet, and shrugged. 

"I don't know," He said. "I, um, joined when I was 15 and got cut when I was 17." He explained and glanced between her and Harry who was gnawing on a strip of bacon. His stomach churned at the sight. 

"And why'd you get cut? I mean, I know before you said something about a weigh in, but I don't really understand what that is." She sounded a little confused and Louis yawned. "I hope you don't mind me asking, I'm just curious." 

"It's okay." Louis shrugged carelessly. "I don't even really understand the need for weigh ins. Its just something the company, like, came up with. Basically, everyone on the select team has to maintain a weight between 125 and 175, it varies between males and females and their body types really, but that was the basis of it. So twice a season we were weighed to make sure we weren't over and under and if you were over or under you were cut from the team for the rest of the season." Louis explained. 

"That's really pointless. Why does it matter if you weigh more or less?" She asked picking up her glass of juice and taking a sip. Louis didn't know why it mattered, he hated those blasted weigh ins. It was such a nerve racking experience having to stand on the scale in front of the head coaches. He found it so pointless and he once tried to skip it, but they caught him and threatened to cut him for that. 

Then the next weigh in came around and Louis was more anxious than ever. Each time he got more nervous. His heart stopped when the digital scale read 174.3 pounds. The coach looked uneasy and told him to watch his weight for the next one. So he decided to lose a few pounds. Then a few pounds became a few more pounds and it just kept getting worse from there. Then the next weigh in came around and he was not up to par with the weight criteria. He weighed 104.3 pounds so the coach had to cut him and advised him to see a doctor for the dramatic weight loss. And that's when he fell in a well. 

"I don't know." Louis said. "It was just unnecessary stress."

"Sure seems like it." Macy agreed. "I'm glad they don't do that for ballet. Although I was out a season because I broke my ankle. Landed wrong on a leap and went straight to the floor." She laughed softly and Louis just nodded. He turned down his plate and sighed sadly. 

"Louis, its almost been twenty minutes. You need to start eating." Nurse Deb spoke up. 

"Wow, I actually have to eat here? Who would've guessed." He said sarcastically. Harry, Macy, and Liz, who was sitting next to Louis, across from Macy, stifled their laughter and suppressed their smiles. Only half of the patients remained at the table halfway done with their meals. Louis hadn't even started yet. 

"Yes, shocker isn't it?" Nurse Deb retorted and Louis smirked down at his plate, rolling his eyes. 

"Is that a new rule?" He asked looking back up at her. 

"Just went into effect. Now eat." She stated. Louis rolled his eyes again and looked down at his plate full of food. He felt sad. Macy finished her plate and stood up with a smile. Louis wished he could smile after eating. 

"See ya at the group therapy." She said lightheartedly. One of the nurses took her plate and brought it into the kitchen before she left. Louis picked up his toast and took a small bite, forcing it down before dropping the rest of the stale bread onto his plate. Liz finished the same time as Eleanor and they both left in conversation, leaving Harry and Louis by themselves. But by the looks of things Harry would be finished in a matter of minutes. Louis took another bite of his toast and Harry finished his entire plate. The nurse took it back. Louis sighed sadly. His eyes watered with tears and he put his head in his hands, covering his face. 

Harry didn't get up from the table, though. He stayed in his chair and watched Louis. A soft cry slipped his lips despite how hard he was biting his cheek to keep that from happening. 

Louis pulled his hands away from his face and wiped his eyes. His face was redder than a drop of blood. Harry picked up his napkin, which he hadn't used, and held it across the table to Louis.

Louis took it graciously and wiped his eyes with it. He coughed into his elbow then wiped his eyes. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so pathetic." He muttered shaking his head. His throat was so tight that his chest hurt and his voice was hoarse. 

"Pathetic because of what? Pathetic because you're getting frustrated over eating a meal?" Harry asked and Louis just looked at him meekly. "That's not pathetic, that's normal." Louis just looked away. 

"Aren't you gonna leave?" 

"No." Harry shook his head. "I'd much rather sit here with you." He smiled kindly and Louis turned his gaze down shyly. 

"Well, God only knows how long it'll be till I'm finished." Louis mumbled crestfallenly. 

"Well, God likes to test the patience of people." Harry teased. He looked around the room. The nurse was still back in the back and Jay Lynn was sitting with Annabelle watching the television set. Harry reached over to Louis's plate and picked up the strip of bacon, shoving it in his mouth before the nurse could return to catch him. 

"What are you doing?" Louis whispered even though no one was around to hear him. Harry just shrugged and finished chewing it. 

"I figure if you didn't want to eat it, I will." He said with a full mouth before he swallowed. He wiped his hand across his lips. Louis was touched. The fact that Harry would actually eat even just a little bit of his food voluntarily was a huge gesture to him. He probably wouldn't be able to do the same for Harry. 

"Well, thank you. I think." Louis tried to hide his smile, but Harry surely noticed it. 

"No problem." The nurse walked back into the room and Louis and Harry both looked at each other before laughing loudly. Louis picked up his toast and took his third bite. 

"The food here sucks ass." He complained. 

"Ass probably tastes better."

"And would you happen to know the answer to that?" Louis teased smirking and took another bite. His eyes were still shining with tears, but his sadness had dried away and he just loved how Harry stayed at the table with him.

"Maybe, maybe not." Harry joked and Louis chuckled. 

"Hm, what are you saying?" He finished the last of his toast then looked down at his plate in surprise. "Oh my gosh, I actually finished my toast." He murmured in amazement.

"All that's left is your omelet." Harry reassured. Louis took a deep breath and looked down at his plate. His amazement vanished. 

"My stomach hurts just looking at it." He frowned. 

"Well," Harry pulled Louis's plate across the table in front of him. Louis watched him curiously as Harry grabbed his silverware. "Sometimes when I was really little, my dad would go out in the early morning and buy a box of donuts." He started cutting the omelet in half. "And sometimes I would want a second donut after my first, but thought there was no way I could eat an entire second donut. So I'd have my mother cut one in half and I'd just take a half and run back to the TV. Then once I finished the first half I'd go back and eat the other half then think, "Wow, I technically just ate an entire other donut," but eating it in two separate halves made it seemed like so much less." Harry had pushed one half of the omelet to one side of the plate and started cutting up the other half into small pieces. "Maybe it was just because I was littler and my view on food was different, but even now seeing a pea as a huge amount of food, it's still something I've never forgotten." He finished and pushed the plate back in front of Louis. The nurse was watching them closely. "Not that seeing it as less food is going to magically make you want to eat it." Harry added with a shrug. Louis sighed and picked up his fork. 

"I don't even like omelets." Harry just smiled then picked up his napkin. He opened it before fanning it gently over the other half of the omelet that hadn't been cut up as a way to mask it from the plate. 

"Well, close your eyes and imagine you're eating something completely delicious that has absolutely zero calories and all." He teased lightly making Louis laugh. 

"Wow, you really know how to persuade a guy." Louis joked and stuck his fork in one of the omelet pieces. 

"Tell me about something you love." 

"I love not eating." Louis replied sarcastically and stuck his fork in his mouth. 

"The irony." Harry remarked. "I meant something practical." Louis sighed and stuck another piece of omelet in his mouth. 

"I love music." He stated. Harry smiled. 

"What kind of music?" Harry asked. 

"I don't know, everything really except rap and country. If I like a song then I like a song." He said and shrugged, forcing down the food. His throat felt like it was burning. 

"Who are your favorite artists?" Harry asked. 

"The Fray," He answered then flashed back to when they woke up and Harry was singing one of their songs. "This Wild Life, Enation, Twenty One Pilots, The Weeknd, Les Friction." Louis added eating another piece subconsciously. "What about you?" He asked curiously

"I like a lot of Zack Hemsey," Harry said and Louis jumped in the seat with excitement. 

"I know who that is! You know who that is?" He exclaimed. 

"Of course! I didn't think you'd actually know who he was." Harry said smiling. "How'd you know about him?" Hardly anyone knew who Zack Hemsey was it seemed. 

"I was watching a video once and the owner used one of his songs as the background music so I looked him up on iTunes and just fell in love with his music." Louis raved. 

"Same here. Well, I heard his music as the trailer music for some movie and so I searched a little and found his YouTube channel and was ecstatic." Harry explained.

"What's your favorite song of his?" Louis asked. 

"I don't even know if I could pick just one. For instrumentals, Facing Demons is my absolute favorite." Harry said. "And I love Remember Me, or Slave. Or Waiting Between Worlds. Gosh, I can't pick just one." 

"Oh, I know! I love Facing Demons, and The Calling, and The Way, and Vengeance. Oh my goodness, picking just one would be impossible. And I love Remember Me also, as well as Changeling or Revelations." Louis rambled before biting his tongue. 

"Everything he produces is just amazing." Harry said and Louis nodded. He went to pick up another piece of omelet with his fork, but there wasn't a piece to be eaten. He looked up at Harry in shock. Did he really already finish half his omelet? But it hadn't been twenty more minutes yet! "Now you've only got another half." Harry smiled as he pulled the napkin off Louis's plate. 

They had become so oblivious to their surrounding they didn't realize Nurse Deb and now Nurse Ingrid were standing off to the side watching them as if they were watching the beast from Beauty and The Beast transform into the gorgeous prince. It was like a magical surprise they didn't know could happen after one day. Louis was actually eating without groaning, sighing, whining, or complaining. He was so wrapped up with Harry he was actually absent mindedly eating. 

He finished cutting the other half into small little pieces and Harry smiled kindly. "What's something else you love?" He asked. 

"I don't know." He shrugged sticking the fork in his mouth and biting off the piece. "I like cheerleading."

"That's interesting." 

"I guess." Louis shrugged. "People used to make fun of me for it." He added somberly. Harry pursed his lips together. 

"Some people are assholes."

"Yeah, well, some people just happen to be the population on my school." He said staring down at his plate. 

"And you just happen to go to a school full of assholes," Harry joked and Louis chuckled. "I used to get made fun of too. You know, being gay isn't exactly a good reputation to have in the locker room." Louis groaned. 

"I absolutely hate that. You're implying that they think you're checking them out, right?" He asked. 

"Yes!" Harry exclaimed. "Its like because I'm gay they automatically think I'm attracted to any male I see." 

"Exactly. I mean, seriously, they need to jump off their high horses and realize they are not that good looking." They both laughed and sighed contently.

"Precisely. They'd be honored if I checked them out." Harry joked humorously. Louis smiled for probably the tenth time already and looked down back at his plate. He only had four more pieces of his omelet left. Had he seriously already eaten that much? Was this all because of Harry? Nurse Deb hadn't even needed to remind him to eat a second time. Louis powered though and finished the remaining food on his plate. "You finished." Louis looked down at his plate in disbelief. 

"I did." He looked up and smiled. And then it hit him. He was smiling and he just finished eating. What was this? Eating and smiling were two things that did not go together for him. Eating made him frown and want to stick his fingers down his throat. He glanced over at the nurses with a now cocky smirk.

Nurse Deb walked over and picked up his dishes. Louis and Harry both stood up as Louis laughed. 

"Fuckers," He snickered and walked around the table. Ingrid looked at him scornfully for using such a vulgar term towards her and Deb, but wasn't surprised by it. Especially coming from him. For someone being here only three days, they had become quite used to his sarcastic quips and attitude. But with Harry he was someone else. Someone pleasant. He was himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, for those of you who have commented, I really do enjoy reading your comments. They put a smile on my face and I really appreciate them. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy what is to come. Xx


	7. Chapter 7

The time for the daily group therapy came around and everyone was sitting anxiously in the chairs set up in a circle waiting for Dr. Wentz. 

"I hate this stupid group therapy thing." Jay Lynn said crossing her arms stubbornly and slid further down her chair. 

"Tell me about it." Liz added rolling her eyes. 

"I'm not the only one who finds Dr. Wentz completely annoying, right?" Patricia asked. 

"Trust me, you're not alone." Morgan said flatly. 

"I think he's kind of nice." Claire said. 

"Well, he's nice and all, but a shit doctor." Morgan added and everyone chuckled. 

"If anyone's a shit doctor, its Dr. Bindle." Louis spoke up. Both doctors sucked equally in his opinion, though. All the workers there sucked. They all seemed like they forgot they were working with kids who had eating disorders and were trying to start the recovering process. 

"How the hell is he a doctor? He doesn't seem very bright." Eleanor commented. 

"I know," Annabelle agreed. "He seems incredibly dull for someone who has a PhD." She added. Dr. Wentz walked into the room making everyone shut up. Some snickered, other suppressed their guilty smiles. Louis kept a cocky smug look and Harry looked neutral. 

"So," Dr. Wentz said taking his seat. "How's everyone today?" He asked with a friendly smile. 

"The peachiest of keens." Louis replied sarcastically. "And you?" He asked. 

"I'm good." 

"Well." Louis corrected. Dr. Wentz looked at him with a knowing look. 

"I'm well." He stated in a clipped tone. 

"If you finished second grade I'd hope that you can tell if you're doing good or doing well."

"So, everyone wrote about their memories?" Dr. Wentz blatantly ignored him then glanced around the circle before locking gazes with Louis. 

"How is writing about our happiest and saddest memories supposed to help us?" Louis asked sitting up. 

"Sometimes looking back on sad and unhappy memories can unlock keys to the present." Dr. Wentz said. "It can give us explanations as to why a person acts the way they do. Or why certain things have happened even." He added with a casual shrug. 

"And does focussing on happy memories do the same?" He asked cynically. 

"Well, I figured instead of just having you focus on a sad memory, I might as well have you think about your happiest as well." He replied with a thin smile. "So did you find a pencil?" 

"Yes." Louis said bitterly and grit his teeth tightly.

"Would you like to start then?" 

"No." 

"Sorry, it wasn't actually a question." 

"Then why did you ask me if I would like to start?" Louis asked questionably. 

"Figured you'd take one step forward and do it." Dr. Wentz rubbed his palms against his thighs before picking his clipboard up again and turned to Louis. 

"Fine." Louis said rolling his eyes. He sighed exaggeratedly and opened his little journal. Suddenly he felt like he was giving a speech in school again. Something he never seemed to do confidently. "One of the happiest moments of my life was when I was little and my dad and I would play the piano. When I was really little I would just watch him play and listen to him sing and as I grew up he began to teach me how to play. Everyday when he got home from work we'd sit at the piano and play and sing until dinner time. I always loved playing with him and learning new songs." Louis read quickly. It felt a little foolish reading directly from his journal when he could easily just talk without it, but reading word for word what he had written made it feel less personal. 

He drew in a shaky breath and continued. 

"But one of the saddest moments of my life also involves my dad." He read quietly. "When I was 16 I came out to him and he completely resented me for it. He didn't support it at all. Whereas my mother was completely supportive, he was the complete opposite." Louis felt his throat tighten. "He got rid of our piano and practically wanted to disown me and kick me out because I was such a disgrace to him just for being gay. For awhile he actually forced me to go to this program thing run by a Mormon church where they supposedly would be able to get rid of my gay and make me straight." He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but it felt like with each word he spoke it only grew larger and larger and the bile rose higher and higher. "After 6 weeks he was just so fed up with me, he wouldn't even talk to me. Then one day, I woke up and he was gone. He was so ashamed of me he actually left our family." Louis inhaled slowly and closed the little journal. Everyone was quiet. He stared at the floor. 

"When you say you came out to him, does that mean you had already came out to your mother earlier?" Dr. Wentz asked breaking the deafening silence. It was an uncomfortable silence, like when you get left in the room with a person you just met for the first time and neither of you know what to say. 

"Um, yes." Louis nodded slightly. 

"How-"

"You know, I really don't want to talk about it so let's just move on or something." He stated crossing his arms.

"Well, you are here to talk about-"

"And I said I didn't want to so why don't you fucking let up for once and just move on." Louis snapped. Dr. Wentz licked his lips and nodded. 

"Okay then," He said calmly. "Why don't we just go around the circle now then." He said and motioned to Eleanor who was sitting to his left. She said how her happiest moment was visiting her grandparents and going to an old fashioned ice cream parlor with them until they unfortunately passed away. And her saddest moment was when her childhood dog named Mickey, who was a little Pomeranian, got off his leash and ran into the road resulting in him getting hit by truck. Of course, Macy's happiest and saddest memories both involved ballet, Annabelle talked about her tormenting in school for her weight gain due to her eating disorder, as did Claire. Then Louis kind of zoned out until it came to Harry. 

"So, um, my happiest memory is all the movie nights my mother and I had when I was younger. We'd always pull out the sofa bed and lounge around with popcorn and candy and watch movies till the wee hours of the night." Harry read with a smile. "Where was my dad in this? Well, one of my most upsetting memories is when he would go out to bars and drink until he couldn't stand up. And then while I was lying in bed asleep I'd wake up to the sound of him stumbling into the house. And then he'd start screaming at my mum and I'd just be lying there listening to them. But luckily they got a divorce and we moved here." He finished looking up with a thin smile. Dr. Wentz smiled and looked around the group. 

"So, doesn't it feel good to talk about these things? Finally get them off your chest?" He asked. Everyone just looked around blankly. He was expecting some sarcastic comment from Louis, but he was quiet. In fact, he hadn't said a single thing after telling Dr. Wentz to let up and move on. "How would you say these negative experiences affect who you are?"

"I don't think they really affect us, maybe just...influence us?" Morgan suggested softly. 

"Would you say they influenced the development of your disorder?" He asked and she just shook her head. "What did influence your development?" He glanced around the entire circle. "Was it because you got bullied? Because someone told you you were fat? What?" No one said anything. 

"I-" Macy started to say something then stopped herself. "I think social media and media in general has a big influence on everyone." She spoke slowly and cautiously, as if she didn't understand what she was saying until she heard it out loud. 

"That's true, the three main causes for eating disorders are biological, social and cultural, psychological. Why don't we start with biological?" Everyone was silent. "It's very common for those with eating disorders to have hormone abnormalities, mainly with the hormones produced by the thyroid and pituitary gland. The studies done on the relation between eating disorders and a biological cause for that focuses on brain chemicals, mainly the chemicals serotonin and norepinephrine because those are the chemicals linked to feeling full after eating. Endorphins are a brain chemical related to good feelings. Research done with bulimic patients have reported a sense relief and comfort after self-inducing vomiting so a lot of the focus is on the role of endorphins."

"So you're saying these could be genetically predisposed?" Morgan asked and Dr. Wentz shrugged. 

"They can be genetic. There was a study done with twins that demonstrated that there is a genetic component involved with it because the siblings of patients with eating disorders are more likely to have similar problems themselves." Morgan huffed. 

"So my sister could be more susceptible to developing an eating disorder as well?" 

"Possibly." He took a deep breath. "Now we won't go too much into depth about it, but another cause is social and culture pressure." He started. "Our society is constantly sending out the message that thin is beautiful, but you can't weigh beauty. They try, though. Advertisers push weight loss programs and different diets while featuring young underweight women, or even men too. We as a culture value physical appearance over qualities and that's displayed everywhere you look. The thing they try to sell you, though, is that if you lose weight it will improve your quality of life and make you more worthy, but it won't. Who thought if they were thinner their life would be better?" Almost everyone rose their hands. "Would anyone like to share why they thought that?" 

"I convinced myself that more people would like me." Eleanor admitted sheepishly. 

"Did you convince yourself that or did the media?" Eleanor reddened with embarrassment. 

"Well...okay, well I thought if I lost a few pounds I might look better and then more people would like me, and when I was looking for quick weight loss tips and my friend showed me this thinspiration site and it was really enticing and I started talking to some people on there and they said that people would like me more if I lost weight." She explained hastily. "So, I guess, I didn't really convince myself." 

"Those sights are very dangerous." Dr. Wentz stated and Eleanor nodded meekly in agreement. Louis just sat huffily in his chair and tried not to fall asleep. He was so bored, not to mention upset after talking about his father. He hated talking about his father. "They exploit the disorder and glamorize it. They make it seem like it's essential to lose weight to be happy and they prey on young people who don't even need help yet when they themselves are the ones in need of help." 

"Yeah, some people on there are really, like, enticing." Eleanor added. "Like, they're all really nice when you post the weight you lose and all and it makes you feel good because the people are actually, like, supporting you and applauding you...when I posted I was going to an inpatient facility to receive help I didn't get many kind comments."

"I'm sorry you got swept up in something like that." Dr. Wentz said sympathetically and Eleanor just looked down bashfully. "Moving on, the third cause of eating disorders is psychological. In studies it has been concluded that those with anorexia tend to have more obsessive-compulsive personalities and don't see their disorder as a problem. Those with bulimia tend to be more emotional and impulsive, but are more likely to receive help." 

"How do you know all of this?" Patricia asked making him smile. 

"It's my job." He simply replied. "Some other psychological factors are low self-esteem, a need for control, anxiety, or depression. Depression is a major cause in binge eating disorders. Those suffering from a binge eating disorder item also suffer from depression or have battled it in the past. They also have a tendency to have troubles expressing or managing their feelings. Loneliness and body dissatisfaction can also contribute to the development of a binge eating disorder." He took a deep breath. "35% of women with bulimia have also been sexually abused. Physical and sexual abuse can be a major factor as well. With that, though, I'm saying there's a correlation between two. Not that they're a direct cause."

"What about men?" Claire asked and Dr. Wentz shrugged. 

"I can't name any statistics off the top of my head, but I can surely look more into it because we shouldn't forget that men also are physically and sexually abused as well." She just nodded and Dr. Wentz smiled. 

So after they finished talking, or more so listening, about the different causes of eating disorders and whatever else Dr. Wentz felt like ranting about the group therapy ended. Louis thought it was stupid. He kept quiet the entire time. And each time Dr. Wentz expected a snappy response, he never got one. 

The group was dismissed and Louis was the quickest one out of the dayroom and into his and Harry's room. He was so close to breaking down in tears. He hated talking about his father. He hated thinking about his father. He hated thinking back to how his father treated him and acted towards him. And he hated how hurt he still felt over it all. 

He threw his journal on his desk precariously and flopped down on his bed, wiping under his eyes. Harry walked into the room and took a breath. 

"Are you okay?" He asked idling in the middle of the room. He looked over at Louis solemnly and Louis sat up, wiping his eyes again. 

"Yep." He got up to his feet and walked to the bathroom, looking in the mirror. Harry walked over and lingered in the doorway because Louis was so obviously not okay. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

"No." Louis answered sternly and turned on the faucet. He rinsed his hands and leaned down to splash some water on his face. He reached for the nearest towel and dried his face. Harry chewed on his cheek. "I mean, I just-" Louis sputtered turning to Harry. He placed the towel on the sink counter. "I can't." He swallowed thickly. If he started talking about his father he was either going to end up sobbing into his pillow or punching the wall and busting his knuckles. There was never an in-between.

"Why not?" Harry asked softly. Louis picked the towel up and folded it again, placing it back in its place before facing Harry again.

"B-Because." Louis said feeling his throat tighten. His father was just something he did not talk about. Ever. "I-I mean, my own father didn't even want me to be his son. He spit in my face and told me I was a mistake and all these other horrible things." He took a deep breath. "How am I supposed to talk about that? What am I supposed to even say about it?" He asked. Harry stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Louis's frail body. Louis closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Harry's neck loosely. It wasn't a super tight, passionate hug where they buried their faces in the napes of each other necks and had their bodies pressed together. It was a loose hug, it was almost as if they were afraid to touch each other, like if they hugged each other too tightly they'd break.

The only part of their bodies that was actually touching was just their shoulders and up. A clear space of hesitation lingered in the open area between them. 

"Your father couldn't be more wrong." Harry whispered. 

"Sometimes that's not so easy to believe." Louis whispered back. It felt weird hugging Harry. He was so skinny and he could feel that by having his arms around him. His back felt so boney. It was scary. Is that how Louis felt to Harry? It was like hugging a clothed skeleton almost. Louis stepped back out of the hug quickly and turned his head down to the ground. Harry reached out and caressed Louis's cheek, tilting his head upwards so that he was looking up at him. 

"Well learn to believe it because nothing and no one is a mistake." Louis felt himself redden. Harry's hand felt so weird on his cheek. It felt warm. "Everything happens for a reason." He drew back his hand and stuck it in pocket. 

Harry smiled humbly and turned around, walking back into the room. Louis followed behind him then sat down on his bed. Harry went over to his desk and pulled a book out of the drawer. He went to his bed and sat down, opening it. Louis sighed and stared up at the ceiling, but then he remembered he had the copy of Relic Harry gave him sitting on his own desk. He reached over and grabbed the book. As soon as he opened the book, though, there was a knock on the door. They both looked over to see Nurse Ingrid standing there. 

"Louis, Dr. Wentz would like to speak with you."

"Why?"

"I suppose you will find out when you speak to him in his office." She replied firmly. Louis rolled his eyes and tossed his book on his bed. He walked over to Nurse Ingrid who then escorted him to Dr. Wentz office which was next to Dr. Bindles. She opened the door and Louis already felt remorseful for leaving his room. 

"Ah, Louis." Dr. Wentz said looking up from his desk. His office looked just like Dr. Bindles, but backwards. "Take a seat." He gestured to the single chair in front of his desk and smiled wearily. He was most definitely not looking forward to speaking to Louis alone, Louis was intimidating! He was a 19 year old boy with 35 year old mouth. But he was here for one reason and it was Dr. Wentzs' job. Louis sighed and fell down on the chair. Ingrid left, closing the door behind her. Dr. Wentz looked at Louis and offered a kind, but weary smile. 

"What do you want?" Louis asked flatly. He leaned against the back of the chair and crossed his arms. 

"Well, just think of this as personal therapy session." 

"Ah, so I have you all to myself." Louis joked sarcastically with a smirk and Dr. Wentz forced a laugh. 

"I wanted to talk to you about your father." Louis's smirk slowly fell and he clenched his jaw, gritting his teeth. 

"Well, I don't want to talk about-"

"So when are you going to want to talk about it then?" Dr. Wentz interrupted. 

"Never. There's nothing to talk about." Louis's entire body was stiff. If he was going to have to talk about his father to someone, it was not going to be Dr. Wentz. Dr. Wentz was at the bottom of his list. Well, he was tied for dead last with Dr. Bindle. 

"After hearing briefly what you said about it, it makes me I feel like a lot of your hostility comes from that experience." He said and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Look, I know you're a doctor and all and its your job, but I am not talking to you about my father." Louis replied sternly. 

"Tell me about him." 

"Did you not just fucking hear me?" Louis asked raising his voice angrily. 

"I heard you." Dr. Wentz answered tiredly. "And stop with the cursing, its disrespectful." He added. "Now based on my knowledge of the situation I understand why you wouldn't want to talk about it. We all have things we do not want to talk about, but that's just tough luck. And we will sit here all day until you start talking." 

"You really want to test me like that?" Louis asked raising his eyebrow. Dr. Wentz returned the challenging glare and Louis sat back with a smirk. His mother always said he was stubborn. Once when he was really little he refused to say prayer before dinner so his mother made them sit there and wait for him to say prayer before anyone could eat. Needless to say, their food was cold until his mother just gave up and ended up throwing their plates in the microwave to warm them up. 

Thirty minutes passed and they were still sitting there without a word between them. Dr. Wentz eventually turned back to his paperwork and continued where he left off. Louis just glanced around the office. He eventually fixated on the clock and watched the hands travel around it. An hour soon passed and lunch was nearing. Dr. Wentz pressed a button on the phone. 

"Bring Louis's lunch plate to my office." He said then turned back to his work and files. Louis rolled his eyes. He could be sitting in his room starting the book Harry lent him and he could go to the dayroom to eat lunch and sit across from Harry and talk to him. He enjoyed talking to Harry. He enjoyed listening to Harry. He enjoyed just looking at Harry. Harry was very enjoyable to be with. 

The door opened and a nurse Louis wasn't familiar with stepped in and placed his plate down on Dr. Wentz's desk, in front of Louis. A very disgusting looking meal of chicken sandwiched between two pieces of bread, six cherry tomatoes, a little carton of 2% milk, and a little cup of some fresh fruit. The nurse left and Dr. Wentz looked at Louis. "Eat." He instructed. 

"No." Louis refused and crossed his arms tighter. 

"You can't just refuse." He said wearily.

"And you can't just force me to talk about something I don't want to talk about." Louis retorted. 

"Look, I'm not going to force you to talk about something you don't want to talk about. I'll simply just encourage that you do because I think that by doing so you'll be taking a huge step forward."

"Oh please, that's what everyone says." He sneered. "'Just talk, you'll feel better, you can't keep everything inside of you.'" He mimicked bitterly. "People urge you to talk and then when you do they don't want to talk to you anymore." Dr. Wentz looked at him with an unreadable expression and folded his hands together. 

"I'm sensing that you're holding what happened with your dad against yourself." 

"Oh please," Louis scoffed. "You try having your dad spit on you, and push you to the ground, and kick you till you're numb while he screams at you about how much a worthless piece of shit you are." Louis scoffed bitterly. His eyes stung with fresh tears and he felt like he had just dry swallowed a large pill from the lump in his throat. "All because I'm a fucking queer." 

"How did you expect your father to react when you initially came out to him?" Dr. Wentz asked cautiously. Louis was actually talking and that was a very dangerous situation because one wrong slip of the tongue could make him shut his mouth and refuse to speak again. Louis took a deep breath. 

"I knew he wasn't going to be supportive, but I didn't expect him to react the way he did." He admitted. He uncrossed his arms and folded his hands together in his lap, but a second later he wrapped his arms around himself again.

"How did he react when you first told him? When you very first said, 'Dad, I'm gay.'" 

"He was really quiet. Then he started, like, screaming and my mother took my sisters out of the house. He then proceeded to drag me to the church and forced me to talk to the priest." He added solemnly. "It was the worst night of my life." 

"What happened at the church?" Dr. Wentz asked. 

"I sat down at a table with the priest in a small room while my dad waited outside. He told me I was probably just confused and that God defines marriage as a union between a man and a women and that there were many other people in my same place and promised to pray for me or some shit like that. I wasn't paying attention that much though." He said. "Then when I went back out to the car with my dad he started yelling at me again and he slapped me in the face. And later on when I told him I wasn't confused and it wasn't a phase he said that I was either straight or I wasn't his son." He blinked and tears strolled down his cheeks. 

"That's really tough. I'm sorry you had to go through something like that." Dr. Wentz said sincerely and Louis rolled his eyes. "So then how would you describe him?" 

"Um, an asshole? And that's putting it lightly." Louis scoffed. How would he describe his father? He'd describe him as an asshole, a bastard, a bitch, someone he hoped would burn in hell beside him. 

"But you still feel hurt over what happened." Dr. Wentz stated. 

"Yes." Louis said under his breath. 

"He must be pretty amazing then." Louis's eyes widened and he jumped up to his feet filled with rage. 

"Amazing? You think my father is amazing? Have you been listening at all? He's everything but amazing! He's a bastard! A closed minded asshole! He's a fucking son of a bitch who deserves all the hell he can get!" Louis yelled furiously. 

"If he wasn't amazing then you wouldn't be as hurt as you still are." Dr. Wentz kept his tone cool and collected. Louis swallowed thickly and stood there breathing heavily. He crossed his arms tightly and bit the inside of his cheek. 

"No, my father isn't amazing. I hate him." 

"No, you hate what he did to you." Dr. Wentz corrected. 

"And I hate him." 

"Then why do you still have so much raw emotion attached to him?" Louis slowly sat back down, speechless. 

"Because he's my father." He finally said softly. 

"And because you still love him like he's your father." 

"I do not love him." Louis stated looking off the side. "He treated me in unforgiving ways." 

"Then why don't you just let it go and move on?" 

"Oh, and you think something like that is so easy to just move on from?" Louis sneered throwing his arms around in the air as he talked. "It may of happened almost three years ago, but I can still hear his voice in my head calling me a faggot, and disgusting, and a worthless piece of shit that should've been aborted because I was a mistake." Louis cried then wiped his eyes. 

"And this is the same man you would sing songs with and play the piano with any time you got?" Dr. Wentz asked questionably. He knew there were people who had differing opinions on homosexuality, but the man Louis was talking about sounded like two different people. 

"Yes!" Louis cried rising to his feet again. "We would always play the piano together. He'd sing old songs and teach them to me and then we'd sing them together at the top of our lungs and play the piano till the black color on the keys wore away to nothing. And it was really consistent when I was younger, but even when I was a teenager, like 14 and 15 we'd still play. And he'd still teach me songs. Then one day when I was 16 my mum caught me with my boyfriend and, although she was mad I was sneaking around, she was supportive of me. But she knew my father saw homosexuality as a sin, something vile, so she told me I should wait for the right time to tell him. It was never the right time though! But I thought I would tell him when we were sitting at the piano like usual and I told him. I said "Dad, I have to tell you something, but I'm afraid of what you'll say or think of me." And he turned to me and said "You can tell me anything. I'll always be here for you." So then I took a deep breath and said "I'm glad you say that because what I needed to tell you is that I am gay." And he flipped shit." By now Louis was pacing back and forth furiously and was staring at the floor feeling all the emotions he felt that night stronger than ever. "He promised he'd always be there for me, but he lied! He said I could tell him anything, but I couldn't! He sold our piano! He never looked at me the same again. In fact, I don't even think he looked at me at all after telling him I was gay. The only time he looked at me was when he was yelling at me or dragging me to the stupid Mormon group thing. And it hurt like hell! It hurts so much like hell being treated like shit by the person you love!" He yelled furiously. "And then one day he just left! My mums entire marriage ended because of me! My sisters were put through so much emotional up downs and now they don't even have a father anymore, all because of me." He said sternly. "Its all my fault. My family completely fell apart because of me." 

"It is not you who caused your family to fall apart, it was your father and his decision to leave." 

"Yeah, he left because of me therefore its all my fault." Louis stated. 

"Louis, its not your fault." Dr. Wentz said firmly. Louis crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. 

"And its not my fault you're a shit doctor and can't seem to understand it is my fault my family fell apart." He responded sternly. Dr. Wentz sighed. 

"And you see, you use sarcasm as a cover up." He said. "Look, I want you to go back to your room and in your journal I want you to write about why it is not your faul-"

"But then I'd just be left with the devastating reality that it is."

"Look, if you do just that you don't have to eat this meal." He said gesturing to the plate on his desk. 

"Really?" Louis asked intrigued. 

"Yes, just this once. But I'll be having a nurse bring by an Ensure for you to make up for it." Dr. Wentz said strictly.

"Fine." Louis agreed reluctantly. Although his personal writing assignment was probably going to be harder to write than it would be to eat, he didn't want to eat. The food looked like horse shit and he wasn't hungry. Louis sighed and wiped his cheeks with the sleeves of his shirt. He rubbed his eyes and walked over to the door.

"Oh, and I'll see you tomorrow after lunch." Dr. Wentz said. 

"Yippee." Louis mumbled walking out of the room.


	8. Chapter 8

When Louis got back to the room it was empty. He was kind of glad, though. He wanted to be alone. Alone was what he was used to. He sat on his bed with a pencil in his hand and his journal in his lap. He had no idea how to start. Half an hour had passed until Harry had returned and was reading a book quietly. Louis was still wordless. And just like Dr. Wentz had said, around two o'clock a nurse brought in a bottle of Ensure which he forced down in hopes it would actually stay down. 

His paper was still blank. His mind was turning over thought after thought yet he couldn't will himself to write anything down or even start a sentence. Then dinner time came and Louis wanted to scream in frustration. It was his fault his family fell apart. If he had never came out to his father it would've never happened. So it was Louis's fault. He couldn't yield a single thought as to a reason for why it wasn't his fault. He should've waited. Waited until college when he was already moved out, that way his father would never have to see him. And he wouldn't have to see his father. 

He stood up and threw the journal on the bed with a huff. Harry looked at him curiously, watching him from the doorframe. 

"Is everything alright?"

"I guess." Louis answered flatly and walked over to the door. They both stepped out into the hallway and walked down to the dayroom. 

"What were you trying to write?" He asked curiously.

"I don't even know." Louis admitted helplessly. "Dr. Wentz called me in his office to talk about my father and all and he gave me some stupid "assignment" aside from the one for group therapy and I can't think of anything to write." 

"What do you have to write about?" Harry asked curiously. "Or I mean, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I was just wondering." 

"I don't even know. I'm supposed to write about how and why my family breaking up isn't my fault." He said softly. Harry looked over at Louis kind of shocked. He wanted more than anything to tell Louis that it truly wasn't his fault, but he knew Louis would probably respond with something sarcastic or say how it really was his fault because he couldn't write about how it wasn't. 

"I'm sure it'll come to you." He said instead. "If worse comes to worst, you simply don't write anything." He added with a shrug. Louis just pursed his lips together and smiled thinly. 

"Yeah," He said uneasily. They walked into the dayroom and took their seats at the table for dinner. Louis most certainly did not want to eat. He wasn't hungry. His conscious was eating away at him. He came to the conclusion that it was his fault and Dr. Wentz was just going to have to deal with the fact that he was wrong and Louis was right. 

Dinner was exceptionally quiet. Between Louis and Harry that was. Louis was kind of hoping there would be some sort of repeat of breakfast where everyone would finish then Harry would finish but decide to sit with Louis until he finished. 

But wishes don't come true. Maybe that's why he was sitting alone at the table with a full plate in front of him. Because he wished Harry would stay and that's why he didn't. Because he wished for it. He was never wishing again. His wishes never came true. In fact, whatever he wished for the exact opposite happened. He wished his father wouldn't leave, he did. He wished his mother wouldn't remarry, she did. He wished no one would figure out about his eating disorder and force him to a place just like this, and they did. 

He sighed sadly and prodded his lasagna with his fork. Of course Nurse Deb constantly reminded him about how he had to eat against his will. He did not have a choice. He did not have freedom. He robbed himself of his freedom and now he wanted to get it back, but wasn't doing anything about it. It was like he was playing tug-o-war with himself, but he hadn't even picked up the rope yet. 

It wasn't until 9:30 he finally finished his last bite and was hurrying off to his room because he felt fat. He felt so stuffed and he did not like that feeling. That made him feel big. Heavy. He felt greasy and disgusting, like he was bursting at the seems! He liked feeling empty. Not hungry. His anorexia was so progressed he no longer felt hungry, or anything of that matter, and he liked that. When he got back to the room he kept pacing from wall to wall like his first night. 

'Could you stop that? Its distracting.' Harry had said, but he was quiet this time. Louis grabbed some pyjamas and went into the bathroom. They had cameras in the bathroom, but did they ever actually view the footage? Louis placed his clothes in the corner by the door and dropped to the floor. He started pumping out some push ups, sit ups, bicycles, just anything type of work out that would burn calories and fat. 

He was red in the face and starting to perspire. Good signs. He wasn't sure how long he was working out until he just collapsed on the ground. The cold tiles felt nice against his warm, flushed skin and his chest hurt. Harry was probably wondering what he was up to. Or not. He didn't know and he didn't really care. He was going to do whatever it took to get rid of that disgusting feeling of being full. 

He stood up and pulled back the shower curtain, turning the faucet on. He stepped back and removed his shirt, looking down at himself in the small mirror. He frowned. He wished he could just be content with his body, but he couldn't. He wished he could have the perfect body, but maybe that meant gaining a few pounds so he didn't look so frightening. His eyes stung with fresh tears and he rubbed them with the back of his hand. He hated crying, but here he was standing in a stingy bathroom crying. He was supposed to be feeling better, but instead he was feeling worse. So much worse. His chest was on fire and he felt dizzy. More than ever he felt worthless, he was such a failure. 

His eyes transfixed on the running water that splashed down into the tub. Maybe he could fill the tub to the brim and hold himself under until he passed out then...

He laughed. He was so pathetic. He reached over and pulled up the nob so the shower started running. He removed his pants and underwear then stuck his arm under the water to make sure it was the right temp. After adjusting the faucet until the water was steaming hot he stepped under and pulled the shower curtain over. The water spilled over his shoulders and down his back. It was so relaxing. He tilted his head back and the water trickled down over his face. The water felt so nice on his tense muscles. So nice. He thought about how he and his ex boyfriend would take steamy showers together. 

His ex boyfriend was such a bastard. Brandon. Louis sneered just thinking about him. He was always making sarcastic and mean comments. Louis couldn't believe he ever spent his time with him. The fucking asshole. He was completely unsympathetic when he found out about Louis's disorder and it was the icing on the cake being screwed over by him after he had just been screwed over by his father. The cherry on top of the icing that was on top of the cake was when Brandon told him he had been cheating on for a month or so then called him a lost cause. Louis punched him, Brandon got a bloody nose, and that was that. 

Then his mind wandered to Harry. He was the complete opposite of Brandon. Harry was actually nice, and funny, and he understood Louis, and he made him laugh, and he made him smile, and he made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and Louis should definitely not have been thinking those things about Harry when he was in the shower. 

Louis reached for the shampoo and poured some in his palm before lathering it through his hair. He rinsed the suds away and washed his body before turning off the water. He stepped out, grabbed a towel, and dried himself off. He pulled on a clean pair of underwear then his sweat pants. None of his clothes really fit him properly so with his sweatpants he had to tighten the draw strings as tight as he could so they wouldn't fall down. He pulled on his shirt and looked in the mirror. He felt a little better, but not much. 

He rubbed the towel against his head to dry his hair a little bit then slung it over the shower rod. He picked up his dirty clothes and opened the bathroom door, stepping into the dark room. Harry seemed to be asleep so Louis was quiet. He tossed his dirty clothes in a small pile beside his dresser and climbed in his bed. That's when Harry propped up on his forearms. 

"You were in there for quite awhile." 

"Yeah, well, it wasn't that long." Louis shrugged staring down at his lap. Was it? 

"You were in there for almost an hour and fifteen minutes." He stated. Louis furrowed his eyebrows together and glanced at the clock. It was around 10:40. And he had first went in around 9:30. Wow. 

"Oh, well, whatever." Louis said shrugging again.

"Are you alright?" He asked. 

"I'm as good as I can be." Louis answered somberly. 

"What's wrong?" 

"I don't even know." Louis admitted. 

"That's always tough." Harry threw his blanket off him and stood up, stepping towards the door. "I think I might know something that will make you feel better." Louis shot him a questionable look. 

"What?"

"Come with me." Harry waved him over.

"Aren't we not supposed to leave our rooms after ten? What if we get caught?" Louis asked standing up. 

"Do you really care about getting caught? They don't have anyone really patrolling the hallways. The doctors go home as well as most of the nurses." Harry said. "C'mon, it'll relax you." 

"How do you know?" Louis asked walking over to him apprehensively.

"I just do." Harry said with a smile. He grasped the door knob and pulled it open slowly. He stuck his head out and glanced up and down the hallway. He nodded to Louis and they stepped out. The hospital was dark. There were a few lights on, but they were dim. It was kind of scary and Louis was actually really terrified at the thought of getting caught by a nurse or other doctor, but he trusted Harry. He followed Harry like a lost puppy to the dayroom then even further to into the kitchen. The kitchen. 

"Where are we going?" Louis whispered. 

"A stair case is back here, it goes up to the roof." Harry explained maneuvering around the appliances. 

"The roof?" Louis asked looking around. The kitchen was exceptionally dark. 

"Yeah," He pulled open a door and sure enough there was a dimly lit staircase. Louis followed Harry all the way up the stairs, only having to pause once because he was so winded and needed to catch his breath. But then they reached a door and Harry opened it. The cold air of the night hit Louis like a ton of bricks. 

"Hey," It was Macy's voice. Louis stepped around Harry and looked around. There was a flashlight set up to provide a little light. Sitting around it with cigarettes between their lips were Macy, Liz, Morgan, and Jay Lynn. 

"Hey," Harry greeted and sat down. Louis looked down at him and Harry patted the empty spot beside him. Louis sat down and rubbed his hands together to create some friction. Macy handed Harry an unlit cigarette and a lighter. Harry lit it then handed the lighter back. Louis wasn't even going to question how they managed to sneak cigarettes and a lighter up there. "Do you smoke?" He asked Louis. 

"I do, but I'm good for now." Louis kindly declined and looked around, up at the sky. The sky looked pretty and the air was cold, but he felt warm sitting next to Harry. He noticed Macy, Liz, Morgan, and Jay Lynn all had blankets draped over their shoulders. He glanced at Harry who let out a puff of smoke. 

"So, new member of the cult?" Morgan asked sarcastically and smirked at Louis.

"What?" 

"This is our cult. Are you in?" She teased. 

"Shut up, Morgan." Jay Lynn said rolling her eyes. "If anything this, like, our gossip group." She said. Gossip? What is there to even gossip about?

"Oh please, that's the worst way to describe it." Liz rolled her eyes. "This is just where we come up to talk and smoke cigarettes." 

"Its gonna be a sad day when we reach the last one." Jay Lynn mumbled pouting and Macy rubbed her shoulder sympathetically. 

"Well, we have a carton so that day shouldn't come for awhile." She joked lightly and pulled her hand away. 

"You sure you don't want one?" Harry asked looking at Louis. He held his hand out with the cigarette between his fingers, offering it to him. Louis exhaled. He reached over and took the cigarette, putting it between his lips and inhaled sharply. He removed it and let out a puff of smoke. He missed this. He handed the cigarette back to Harry then sighed. 

"So, who's ready to get weighed tomorrow?" Morgan asked sarcastically. 

"What?" Louis's heart stopped. 

"You know, every Friday the nurse takes you into a little room and they take the regular stuff and weigh you and decide whether to up your calories or not." She explained. They can up your calories? Louis's going to have to get weighed? 

"Oh." He mumbled. That wasn't very settling. Harry said he'd feel better up here. 

"That was a pretty heavy oh." Macy eyed him. 

"Yeah, well," Louis trailed off. 

"The first ones always the worst." Liz said solemnly and pressed her lips together thinly. 

"I cried my first time." Jay Lynn added before letting out a large puff of smoke. She breathed in the cool air after then sighed heavily.

"The second times the worst, I think." Morgan said shaking her head. 

"The second time is definitely worse because you don't gain weight that fast and the first time is a little unsettling, but on the second it when you actually really change numbers." Macy said. "I wanted to throw the scale at the nurse, I was so upset." She laughed humorously. "But now, its not so bad. I don't actually mind them." She smiled proudly.

"I'm getting close to my goal weight." Jay Lynn remarked. Were they supposed to have a goal weight? Louis didn't. He didn't want to have one because he didn't want to have a goal of gaining weight. He didn't want to be fat again. "At first it feels awful seeing that you gain weight, but now I feel a little proud. I actually like my body now." She said with a smile. Louis was now hung up at the fact that tomorrow he was going to have to get weighed. Harry glanced at him and held the cigarette out to him. Louis took it and put it between his lips, inhaling slowly then exhaling just as slow. 

"I'm afraid that when I leave I'll have some sort of relapse and end up having to be brought back in." Liz admitted. Louis took another drag from the cig then handed it back to Harry. Louis rubbed his hands against his cold arms. 

"Are you cold?" Harry whispered. Louis shook his head. 

"I feel warm when I'm around you." He slipped under his breath, but luckily Harry had already turned away and was listening to what Macy was saying instead of Louis. But unlike Harry, all four of the girls sitting in front of them had caught what he mumbled and quieted as he eyed him with a small smirk. Louis froze and Harry looked around confused. 

"What?" 

"What did you say?" Jay Lynn asked. 

"Um, nothing." Louis tried to play it cool even though he was so embarrassed. He didn't think anyone would hear him! If Harry didn't hear him, then how did all four of them hear them? Did girls just have an acute sense of hearing that guys didn't?

"No, you most definitely said something." Morgan insisted and Louis felt his cheeks flush warm. 

"No, Harry asked me if I were cold and I shook my head." He defended with a shrug. "I didn't actually say anything." 

"No," Liz said. "We heard you." 

"What? What'd he say?" Harry asked glancing at Louis. 

"I, um, said I was actually cold." He stammered nervously. They all just laughed, not believing him at all because they all fully heard him say that he felt warm around Harry. Harry was still a little confused.

"Here," Macy pulled the blanket off herself and handed it to Louis. Louis smiled thinly and took the blanket, wrapping himself in it. Liz pressed the lit end of her cigarette against the pavement, putting it out, and just left it there. 

"Well, I'm off to bed. See you guys in the morning." She announced standing up. She folded her blanket up and placed it down before walking over to the door. Everyone murmured a string of good nights before the door was closing behind her. 

"Well, I'm off too." Morgan said putting out her cigarette then standing up. 

"Me too." Jay Lynn followed suit. 

"Night," Macy said and Louis and Harry nodded as they walked away. "So," Macy turned to them. "How old are you? 18? 19?" 

"I'm 19." Louis answered. 

"Same." Harry added and Macy smiled. 

"I already knew you were 19, I was asking Louis." She teased lightly and Harry rolled his eyes at her. He held the cigarette out to Louis who took it. 

"How old are you?" Louis asked. 

"18. Newly legal." She said jokingly and Louis chuckled, passing the cigarette back. "When's your birthday?"

"December 24th." He answered in a somber tone. 

"Ooh, Christmas eve! Cool."

"Not cool." Louis stated. "It always gets forgotten with the holiday." He mumbled lackadaisically. 

"How can people simply forget your birthday?" Macy asked solemnly.

"Because people get so caught up with the holidays and trying to get everything done that they simply forget. Its not a priority. People are always like "Merry Christmas! Oh, and its your birthday also, isn't it?" I try to forget about it myself." He said and Harry passed the cig to him. 

"Did your family ever forget?" Harry asked. 

"One year." Louis said. "My 15th birthday. They remembered two days later and tried to make up for it, but I just kind of locked myself in my room and stuck to my laptop."

"On my 6th birthday my father got drunk and smashed his fist in the cake my mum made. He started screaming, and yelling, and started throwing dishes so my mum grabbed me and drove us to a motel to stay for the night." Harry said. 

"Oh my gosh, that's so sad." Macy frowned. 

"Yeah, well, I was only 6 so I don't actually remember much." He added with a shrug. 

"That's still sad." Macy said. 

"Wow, yes, let's talk something cheerier, yeah?" Louis asked and Harry chuckled. 

"Well, you guys can because I'm going to bed. So, see ya tomorrow." Macy stood up and flicked her cigarette to the ground. She walked off and when they heard the click of the door shut, Louis turned to Harry. 

"So, you guys just sit up here at night sometimes and smoke?" He asked. 

"Pretty much," He nodded. "Macy brought me up here my third day." He added. "Sometimes it's nice to have a cigarette." 

"And how exactly did they get a carton of cigarettes and a lighter in here?" Louis asked with a smirk.

"I'm not exactly sure and I'm afraid to ask." Harry joked and they both laughed. Louis sighed contently and looked up at the sky. 

"The stars are so beautiful." Harry put out the cigarette and tossed it aside. He turned his head up and looked up at the sky as well. 

"Tell me about it." 

"You see that lighter part that almost looks like clouds?" Louis asked pointing up and motioning in the direction the band went. 

"Yeah?" Harry looked up at the sky with him. 

"That's the milky way." 

"It is?" 

"Yeah." Louis nodded. "It doesn't look like much now because its hard to see with the naked eye, but if we had a camera and took a picture of it with the right settings, the picture would be beautiful." He said in awe. 

"I'm sure." Harry smiled then glanced at Louis. Louis stood up, the blanket sliding down his back to the ground, and he walked over to the edge of the building. Harry got up and walked over beside him. 

"This building is a lot taller than it looks." Louis said and Harry nodded. 

"Or maybe our minds playing a trick on us." He added. Louis climbed up on the ledge and looked down. Harry broke out into a cold sweat and his heart rate increased rapidly. He watched Louis carefully. One wrong step and...

"So if I jumped would I get hurt?" Louis asked in a light tone. He didn't sound somber or even solemn. He just sounded neutral. 

"Don't even think about jumping, I swear to God." Harry warned. 

"I'm not gonna jump." He assured although he wanted to. He could do it to. One small step and he could just end it all right now. End his pain, end his misery, end his disorder. 

"I don't know if I believe you or not." Harry said softly. His heart was in his throat and stomach. What if Louis did just jump? What if he stepped off? There's no way anyone would survive the fall and Harry would be left there paralyzed! 

"Well we don't know a lot of things." Louis shrugged and turned his head down to stare down at the grassy pasture below. 

"You know, I actually did hear you." Harry said quickly and Louis's heart seized. 

"Heard what?" He asked quietly. 

"About you feeling warm around me." Louis felt himself redden. 

"Now you're just trying to get me to jump." He said chuckling apathetically. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis's waist with the intent of just lifting him off the ledge and placing him on the ground, but the second Louis felt Harry's arms around his waist every single fiber in his body screamed at him to push Harry's arms away in that instant. 

He most certainly didn't want anyone touching him. Sure, he hugged Harry that one day, but his waist compared to his back was a completely different story. He slapped Harry's hands away quickly then grabbed his wrists and pulled his arms away roughly. 

Harry grit his teeth and retracted his arms. He really didn't want to be wrestling with Louis when he was standing on the ledge of a building. Louis was hot in the face and climbed down from the ledge himself. He dusted himself off and glared up at Harry. 

"Okay, I didn't literally mean anything by it. I mean, I was really just quoting the movie Elf when Buddy was trying to ask out that girl he liked and he was trying to explain why he liked her and he said "I feel warm when I'm around you," so I really just quoting the movie because that's what I do. I just throw out random movie quotes that pertain to the situation. It wasn't a really good quote seeing as how easily it could've been misinterpreted, so-" 

"Its okay." Harry interrupted smiling. Louis's glare softened. "Although that was a shitty excuse, I give you props for your quick thinking." Louis cracked a small smile, rolling his eyes at him. "But it's okay because I feel warm when I'm around you too." Louis bit the inside of his cheek and inhaled slowly. He looked up at Harry who took a step closer to him. 

"Well, that must be helpful considering how cold it is right now." He said and Harry laughed. 

"Its a little chilly, but bearable." 

"Well, I'm really cold. You know, being so thin and having so little body fat I tend to be cold often." Louis said with a shrug. He was really just rambling because he was nervous. He turned his head down and played with the hem of his shirt subconsciously.

"I know how you feel."

"Yeah, well, I'm getting tired so," He took a step backwards. 

"Wait," Harry blurted out and Louis paused. 

"What?" He looked at him curiously.

"I, um, uh-" Harry stammered rubbing the back of his neck. "Never mind." He shook his head, turning away.

"No, what?" Louis asked sternly and Harry looked up at him. 

"Its nothing, I forgot what I was going to say anyway." He lied and Louis gave him a patronizing stare, crossing his arms. It was more than nothing and he most certainly did not forget what he was going to say, he just didn't have the guts too. He was a coward. 

"You're an awful liar." Louis stated with a smile. 

"Depends on what I'm lying about." Harry said returning the smug smile. 

"So what are you lying about?" Louis asked.

"I'm lying about how cold I am. I'm actually freezing." Louis laughed. 

"Are my hands cold?" He asked wrapping his frail hand around Harry's wrist. Now when it came to touching and being touched, Louis had what he would call his "safe zones." Which basically consisted of his hands and his shoulders. Barely even that depending on the day. 

He didn't like people touching his back or his waist. He didn't like brushing against people down the school hallway or walking down the street. He felt repulsed and he felt like he was repulsing everyone who he came in contact with. 

He didn't want people feeling the ridges of his ribs on his back or the dips of his spine. He didn't want people feeling his boney arms or legs, he didn't want people feeling his bulbous stomach or the fat on his waist. Granted, not many people felt his stomach or waist, that was mainly his problem with Brandon. And it was a problem Brandon didn't respect. 

"Oh my goodness, your hands are actually really warm." Harry smiled brightly, placing his hand over top Louis's hand. 

"But your hands are freezing." Louis laughed with a grin. Harry shook his head. 

"I don't care. You're really warm." He grabbed Louis's hand and pressed his palm against his cheek, nuzzling his face against his hand. Louis's stomach swirled like there was an angry hornets nest buzzing around in his stomach as opposed to the cliché butterfly feelings. There were no butterflies, the hornets chased them away. Harry let go of Louis's hand, but Louis kept it against Harry's cheek. He even reached up with his other hand and cupped Harry's cheeks.

"And how does that feel?" He asked jokingly. Harry smiled, but he was finding it hard to stand. His legs felt like jello.

"It feels really warm." He inhaled slowly. "My hands still cold?" He asked teasingly and reached up, cupping Louis's cheeks as well. Louis jumped and gasped. He reached up and grabbed Harry's hands, pulling them away. 

"Definitely." He had meant to let go of Harry's hands, but for some reason he didn't. Harry smiled and laced their fingers together. Louis inhaled slowly, and looked up at Harry with a soft expression. Were they holding hands? They were holding fucking hands. What the hell. Louis panicked and quickly pulled his hands away, turning around. "We should probably go back inside." He took a step away from Harry. "It is getting really cold and late." Harry nodded solemnly. Louis walked over to the door and Harry followed behind him, his hands feeling oddly empty without Louis's.


	9. Chapter 9

To say things were a little awkward after that little scenario on the roof would be a understatement. Things were most definitely awkward, but whenever they both thought about it they couldn't help but smile. Did they technically hold hands? Their fingers were laced together for a good five seconds, that counts as holding hands right? Louis felt like he was in middle school again. 

Breakfast was hard. Well, not so much hard as it was unbearable. And not so much unbearable as it was actually bearable. Louis and Harry were quiet but kept stealing secret little glances at each others before smiling shyly and looking away. It was obvious they were smitten with each other. 

It was when Louis was sitting alone at the table that he remembered he, as well as everyone else, was going to get weighed that day. After five days he was finally going to step on a scale again. Had it only been five days? It felt like so much longer. That's the longest he'd ever gone without having access to a scale and he was absolutely petrified about having to get weighed. Weighed. He wanted to throw up then and there. 

"Louis? Are you okay?" Nurse Ingrid asked taking to notice his distraught expression. 

"I'm going to get weighed today." He said feeling crestfallen. Ingrid exhaled slowly and took a seat across from him.

"And what are you scared is gonna have happened?" She asked. 

"That I'm gonna have gained weight!" He exclaimed suddenly feeling panicked and petrified.

"You're supposed to." Ingrid said. "If you haven't gained anything then something's wrong." 

"I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to be fat again." He said sadly then turned his head down to his half empty plate. 

"Louis, more than half the people that develop an eating disorder aren't even fat before they develop it. What happens is they develop a distorted body image which means that they see themselves fatter than they actually are which further more leads to the development of the disorder." 

"Why does everyone say anorexia and bulimia are disorders?" Louis asked rhetorically.

"Because that's what they're classified as." Nurse Ingrid said slightly amused by his question.

"They're not, like, disorders to me, though. They're more like these lifestyles that just consume you mentally and physically." He mumbled softly. 

"So you suffer from a lifestyle?" Ingrid asked jokingly and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"People can suffer from their lifestyles, you know?" He stated and she nodded. 

"I know, I know." Ingrid said chuckling. "Trust me, I've been a nurse for thirty years. There's nothing I haven't heard or seen. I've seen all the disorders and lifestyles."

"I could never be a nurse." Louis laughed softly to his own amusement.

"What do you want to do?" She asked him genuinely curious.

"I don't know, I always thought teaching was interesting." He said unsurely. 

"What subject?" 

"I don't know," He shrugged. "I always liked art, but I figured getting a career in art would be hard so the next best thing would be to teach it." He explained. 

"Well sounds like you've thought about it before." She remarked with a smile. 

"Yeah, well, that was before I fell down the rabbit hole." He said sarcastically and stared down at his plate. 

"Sometimes you have to fall before you can stand back up."

"Sometimes it'd be nice to have a chance to stand up before being pushed back down." Louis mumbled languidly. 

"Maybe you should stop pushing yourself down." Ingrid replied. "Plus you're here to be helped back up." She added with a smile. 

"I don't want help." He said stubbornly crossing his arms. 

"Then what do you want?" 

"I want to not be here. I want my life to be the way it was before everything went downhill."

"And you're here to make that happen!" Ingrid exclaimed trying to sound the least bit inspirational, or at least reassuring.

"I want to do it myself! I don't want the fucking help of a hospital!" Louis practically shouted. Ingrid inhaled and exhaled slowly. 

"So you're still in denial that you need help." She stated and Louis sighed. 

"I know I need help." He said. "But I want to help myself, I don't need pity. I've got more than enough to last my entire life." He stubbornly remarked. 

"Louis," Ingrid leaned against the table. "Why do you starve yourself?" 

"What?" Louis asked raising his eyebrows. 

"Why did you starve yourself? When you made the decision to skip your meals, to restrict your diet, what was the reason behind it?"

"I don't know." Louis mumbled quietly turning his head down. "After my father left and I got cut from cheer comp I became so obsessed with losing weight that it was my only way to feel good about myself."

"And since then have you ever felt good about yourself?" She asked. Louis was quiet. 

"No." He admitted. He thought he felt good watching the scale constantly drop, but he was so focussed on not eating he wasn't focussing on trying to make himself feel good about himself. "But, it kind of made me feel good seeing myself lose weight and getting skinnier." He sighed sadly. "I don't know."

"That's okay, because soon you will." She reassured. "But if you thought you could help yourself don't you think you wouldn't be here right now?" She asked him seriously. "If you weren't here, where would you be and what would you be doing? Honestly." 

"I'd probably just be at home in my room or working on getting my G.E.D." He answered. 

"You didn't graduate high school?" She was a little surprised. Louis shook his head meekly. 

"I didn't meet one of the class requirements and I was so unmotivated that I didn't do anything about it in time. So I didn't graduate." 

"Well there's nothing wrong with that." She told him confidently. "Switching topics, how has your first week been?" Louis scoffed. 

"Absolutely awful. I thought I was supposed to be feeling better, but instead I feel worse. It's so boring here, there is nothing to do so half the time I'm just sitting around thinking about all the disgusting weight I'm gaining and worrying about the next meal." He replied bluntly. 

"The first few weeks are always the hardest because you're still adjusting, but you will gradually begin to feel better. We have a good program here-"

"Are you sure? Because that sounds a little biased coming from you." Louis interrupted. "I mean, we only have three meals, what if we want a snack in between them?"

"If you ask a nurse there is selection of food items you can choose from for a snack, but you're only required to eat your main meals." She stated. 

"Why don't have a source of fresh air? Like, are we allowed to open our windows? Because being shut up in a building isn't going to make anyone feel any better."

"In years past we've had bulimic patients purge into their own clothing items, such as socks, and throw them out the window to hide them so we stopped allowing patients to open their windows."

"Well that doesn't mean you have to punish everyone else. I mean seriously, inmates in prison usually get an hour of spending time outside, why don't we get that privilege?" 

"The hospital wasn't originally designed for that, but maybe I can mention it to someone and we can figure something out for you guys." Louis stared back at her blankly. 

"What are we supposed to do if we run out of shampoo? Or body wash? Don't girls get their periods? They don't just have a never ending supply of pads or tampons." Ingrid laughed softly. 

"It's sweet that you're concerned about the girls, but we have those items for those who need them or run out. We also have shampoos and body wash and toothpaste and whatever little necessities you might need or run out of." Louis rolled his eyes at her. 

"I still think it sucks." He said dismissively and she smiled in amusement. 

"Anyway, you'll probably be hearing this a million times, but you need to finish eating." 

"The food here sucks." He stated. "At least make the meals look appetizing." 

"Nothing looks appetizing to first timers." She replied standing up from the table. 

"And what about second timers?" Louis asked jokingly and looked up at Nurse Ingrid. 

"I don't know, everyone's who's ever been discharged as never had to be readmitted." She responded with a smirk. Louis smirked back.

"So literally no one has ever had to be readmitted from relapsing?" Ingrid exhaled. 

"We've had a few, but it was only in extreme cases." Louis simply nodded then glanced down at his plate before his smile dropped to a frown.

-

"Okay, Louis." The nurse, Damien, said holding a paper robe out to him. "You can go through that door into the bathroom and change into this. Keep your drawers on though." He joked lightly, but Louis didn't falter. His hand was shaking as he reached out and took the robe. He should not be as nervous as he is. He had weighed himself probably hundreds of times before, but now that someone else was weighing him...he turned around and walked into the little bathroom. 

He swallowed thickly and placed the robe down. Pulling off his shirt off, he cringed. It was currently 10:05 which meant group therapy had started five minutes ago, but luckily Louis was the first to get called back for his weigh in. The irony. 

Louis quickly pulled the robe on that ended at his teeny tiny waist. He removed his pants and shoved his clothes against a wall. Then he looked at himself in the full length mirror. He frowned and sighed sadly, wrapping his arms around himself then curled forward insecurely. He wanted to crawl in a hole and hide there forever. 

He looked so pale, it was gross. His collar bones stuck out in a way that wasn't attractive in the slightest way. His ribs stuck out in a way that made his waist seem thinner. His hip bones jut out from his waist in a disgusting way. He looked so gross. His thighs were small, but to him they looked the size of a fucking elephants foot and his stomach looked so bulbous through the paper robe he wanted to run straight to a gym and do countless ab workouts just to get rid of it. He looked so sick, but to himself he look like a fucking blob of fat waddling around. 

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he cast his glance down to the floor and turned to face the door. On the other side of that door was a nurse with his files clipped to a board and a pen in hand ready to record Louis's current weight, along with a scale. 

A knock on the door made him jump. He took a deep breath and swept his fringe across his forehead. 

"Everything alright in there?" Nurse Damien asked through the door.

"Do I have to come out?" Louis asked sheepishly. He heard Damien chuckle. 

"Louis, I understand its your first time here and going through this, but its going to be real quick and painless if you just get through it. It's not going to be as bad as you think it will be."

"Everyone else said they cried their first time." Louis said sadly. 

"Well, some people do." Damien affirmed. "But its okay because each time it gets easier. It literally takes two seconds then you'll be getting dressed and heading back into the dayroom." He added. "So let's just get it over with. Its like ripping off a bandaid." Louis swallowed thickly, tears already brimming his eyes. He turned the handle and opened the door, stepping out and keeping his eyes low. He looked at Damien. 

Damien was standing beside the scale. It wasn't like Louis's one at home. It was one of those big clunky ones at doctors offices. "Well, just step up on it." Damien said gesturing to it. Louis looked at it apprehensively and shook his head. 

"No, I can't."

"Louis, you have to." 

"I-I-" Louis stammered. His palms were sweaty now, but he was afraid to uncross his arms. His heart was in his throat and stomach. He felt like his skin was on fire and he scratched at his wrists to distract himself.

"Just close your eyes, step on it, then step off. And if you want to know, I can tell you your weight." Damien said. Louis bit the inside of his cheek and stepped in front of the scale. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them warm tears rolled down his cheeks. He sniffled. 

"I can't." He wiped his cheeks then covered his hands over his face. "I can't, I can't, I can't," He murmured softly into his palms. 

"Louis, you can do anything-"

"I set my mind to? Through Christ who strengthens me? Yeah, try again ace." He rubbed his eyes and wrapped his arms around himself again. 

"I know this is hard for you, it's hard for everyone. Just think about how proud you'll be, though, once you get on it and realize that this isn't that bad."

"I am never going to feel proud, though." Louis fired back. He wiped his nose. "Never. Proud and scales and weight do not go together." 

"Step up on the scale." There was no humor behind his tone. Louis wiped his eyes again then stepped onto the scale. He kept his eyes squeezed shut. "Uncross your arms."

"Does it matter?" 

"Yes." Louis sheepishly uncrossed his arms, feeling absolutely exposed in the thin sheet of paper barely covering his chest, stomach, and back. There was a few clicking noises as Damien adjusted the weights and Louis thought he was about to pass out. "And you're done." He said with a smile. Louis took a step back and opened his eyes. "Would you like to know your weight?" 

"No." Louis immediately said wrapping his arms around himself again. "Yes." He then said. "No," He said again shaking his head. He didn't know if he wanted to know his weight. On one hand he did, but on the other he didn't.  "Yes." He finally said and nodded. 

"When you first came here you were 88 pounds and 4 ounces. . .," Louis cringed. "And now your weight is 91 pounds and 3 ounces." A soft cry left Louis's lips as his face fell into his hands. Tears were smothered against his hands and a burn in the back of his throat made him want to throw up. Damien placed a soothing hand on Louis's shoulder, but he turned around and quickly fled to the sanctity of the bathroom. He tore off the paper robe and crumpled it up, throwing it in the trash. 

He took a moment, just standing there, to recollect himself. He wiped under his eyes and inhaled sharply, looking around. He pulled on his sweatpants then pulled on his shirt and shoes. He quickly rushed out of the bathroom and medical room, fleeing to his and Harry's room instead of the dayroom, like he was supposed to. He paced around frustratedly. The words kept ringing in his ears 91 pounds and 3 ounces, but what it really sounded like to him was 910 pounds and 300 ounces. He felt repressed to do something about it, but nothing could be done.

Harry's went okay. He weighed 99 pounds and 1 ounce. Barely pushing the 100 pound limit. He wasn't feeling to great about almost being in three numeral range. He had cried last week at his first, like Louis was doing right now. He was a little weary when Louis never returned to the group therapy and at lunch he was very quiet and looked very pensive. 

He never lifted a hand to his plate and thirty minutes later he was brought to Dr. Wentz's office, with his plate. Harry finished lunch meekly and instead of going to their room to read a book, he grabbed a deck of cards and sat at a table behind the couch in the dayroom, setting them up for Solitaire. Macy came into the room and noticed Harry. She walked over to the table.

"So," She said taking a leisurely seat across from Harry. "Whatcha doin?" 

"Playing solitaire." Harry answered arranging the cards. 

"Do you even know how to play that?" She asked. Harry looked up from his cards and gave her a "duh" expression.

"Well, I thought to myself; what's a card game I have no idea how to play? Then solitaire just popped into my mind and here I am." He replied sarcastically. He placed his cards down and crossed his arms, leaning back against his chair. 

"So, where's Louis?" She asked leaning against the end of the table with her elbows. 

"I don't know, in Dr. Wentz's office. Why?" He asked flatly. 

"Just wondering." She replied nonchalantly. "So, what do you think of Louis?" She asked smirking. 

"Under what context?" Harry asked in return.

"Under any." Macy said. "Like, when you think of him what do you think about him?" 

"Um, I don't know, I think he's nice." Harry answered unsurely. 

"Therefore implying that you do think about him?" She half asked half stated. 

"What?" Harry looked at her in confusion. "No, I don't, like, think about him, but I think he is nice." He said and Macy just smirked.

"Just nice?" She teased. 

"What are you getting at?" Harry asked enticed. 

"I don't know," She shrugged her shoulders. "Its just, he's gay, you're gay. . .," She trailed off looking Harry in the eyes. 

"That means absolutely nothing." Harry said defensively and sat up, now leaning on the table. 

"I didn't say it meant anything."

"You implied it." 

"I didn't imply anything, I was just stating a known fact. You're the one who got awfully defensive though." She taunted. 

"Because I know what you're doing and you're wrong." Harry said sternly. 

"So you have no feelings towards Louis? You're not attracted to him?" Harry sat there for a moment. Of course he was attracted to Louis. Who wouldn't? He was an absolutely gorgeous person in Harry's opinion. 

"No." He lied. 

"You hesitated." Macy stated snobbishly. 

"And you're wrong."

"C'mon, I know you like Louis at least just a little bit. Its so obvious." Again, Harry was quiet a moment. 

"Is it really that obvious?" He asked quietly. 

"I knew it!" She exclaimed smiling triumphantly. She grinned happily and took a deep breath. "Yeah, its pretty obvious, but Louis is probably completely oblivious since he's a guy and guys are stupid-"

"Hey!" Harry exclaimed indignantly. 

"Not you." She rolled her eyes and Harry still gave her a stern look. "Or Louis." She added under her breath. "But its also very obvious that he's totally crushing on you too." She stated. 

"How? He is not." Macy looked at him patronizingly. 

"Are you kidding? Have you not noticed how you make him smile? And your chairs always seem to move closer to each others in the group therapy-"

"They do not!" Harry objected. "I'm sure you could make him smile too, its not that big of deal." 

"And what about what happened up on the roof last night?" She asked. 

"What happened?" 

"Okay, when you asked Louis if he was cold and he "just shook his head" he actually whispered under his breath "I feel warm when I'm around you." We all heard him but you." 

"I heard him too." Harry said.

"Then why did you seem confused and ask what he had said?" Macy asked questionably. 

"Because I didn't want him to feel embarrassed. We talked about it after you had left."

"Oh my goodness, you have to tell me what happened!" She exclaimed.

"Nothing happened." Harry said but was unable to stop himself from blushing red.

"You're totally blushing. O-M-G, something totally happened!" 

"'Kay, he's been here for, like, five days. Nothing happened." He said seriously. 

"Why do you like him?" She asked smirking. 

"I am not talking to you about that." Harry stated stubbornly.

"C'mon, Harry. I'm your closest friend here." She pouted. 

"Nope, Louis is." He stated sarcastically and she laughed. 

"I see I was moved down the totem pole." She joked. "Please? Nothing exciting ever happens around here." She whined. 

"I don't know," Harry said. "He's nice." Macy blinked at him blankly. 

"Seriously? He's nice? That's it?" 

"I don't know, yes." Harry said in annoyance. "He's nice and funny and has beautiful eyes and an amazing laugh, not to mention a gorgeous smile." He added. "I just do. There doesn't have to be a list of reasons as to why I feel attracted to a certain person." He huffed. They were both quiet. 

"So, are you going to tell him?" She asked. 

"What? No." Harry protested. 

"Why not? Its bound to come out sometime." 

"In case you forgot we're sitting in the EDU right now. I've only been here two weeks and he's only been here one. Its not like if I told him anything could be done. Maybe if we were both going to be released in, like, a week I would tell him, but no. It'll probably be months till we are both released so until then I'll just keep my feelings to myself and progress through the program." 

"C'mon Harry, you guys already share a room. If you just keep it in something is bound to happen." 

"Its not like anything could further happen after, though. Its not like saying "I like you, want to go on a date?" Its like saying "I like you, oh, well time for daily ten o'clock therapy. Want to sit by me?" He mimicked sarcastically. "And even if he did like me back its not like we could possibly maintain a relationship or anything while being in here." 

"That'd be so cute though!" Macy squealed. "Two struggling anorexics falling in love in the hospital. It'd be like something out of a movie or book!" She exclaimed and Harry laughed. 

"If only this were a movie." He said and shrugged his shoulders. "But even then, not all movies have happy endings." 

"Well you don't have to be all pessimistic." Macy grumbled lackadaisically. 

"It helps to be pessimistic because then you don't get let down." Harry said softly. 

"Pessimism." Macy tsked shaking her head.

"It makes the world go round." Harry smiled. 

"No, love does." She said. "Like how you love Louis." She teased with a smirk and Harry scoffed. 

"I do not love him." He said firmly. "I said I liked him a little, but I most certainly do not love him." 

"You get heart eyes looking at him." Macy stated and he scoffed again. 

"I don't love him, its been five days!"

"And sometimes it only takes five more days to fall in love." She said seriously and smiled kindly. 

"And what do you know about love?" Harry asked. 

"I know absolutely nothing." Macy said and they both laughed. "But maybe by the time I'm discharged I will have learned something."


	10. Chapter 10

Louis was still feeling somber over his weight gain and dinner was absolutely unbearable. He most certainly didn't need to be gaining any more weight because then he'd get fat and that was unacceptable. 

Now two pounds and a few ounces might not seem like much, but to Louis it was like putting a table spoon of salt in a glass of water. You can't see the difference, but you know for sure that it's there.

At 10:30 he tip toed out of bed and snuck down the hallway, through the kitchen, and up to the roof. Luckily no one else was there because he really just wanted to be alone. He needed to be alone. The air was brisk as usual. With fall coming the air was getting colder and the sun was setting earlier. The roof was pretty much a flat slab of concrete except for the evidence that proved someone was up there with the blankets, box of cigarettes, and the lighter. Louis grabbed a cigarette and lit it. He wandered to the edge of the building and looked over the edge. He leaned against the short ledge and looked down. He seemed to be 1,000 feet up, but in reality he was only 50 feet up. 

He let out a puff of smoke and watched it dance around in the wind before disappearing into nothing. He wished he could dance in the wind before disappearing into nothing. 

He heard the door that led out to the roof open and he froze for a moment before just relaxing because he really didn't care who it was. He heard a few footsteps before they stopped abruptly. 

"Who are you?" A female voice asked panicked. 

"'S'just Louis." He replied wearily and didn't turn. 

"But who are you?" They asked. Louis's eye brows furrowed together in confusion as he turned around and looked at a girl he didn't recognize. 

"Who are you?" He asked. 

"My names Elise." She introduced herself shyly. She had bleach blonde hair that was naturally curly. She had a timid stance and a hospital band was tied around her wrist. 

"I'm Louis." He said unsurely. 

"What part of the hospital are you from?" She asked slowly walking closer to him. 

"EDU." He answered. "What about you?" 

"I don't know the name of the specific unit." She shrugged. "I was raped a couple years ago and then the guy who raped me actually killed my mum when she tried to attack him, so you could say that made me have enough problems to land me here." She said apathetically. 

"Oh my goodness, how did that happen?" He asked before he could even stop himself. 

"Well, my parents were out of the house for the night and my boyfriend came over. He wasn't exactly a good influence, but we were in the living room watching a movie when he decided he…wanted to do it. So as that was going down on the couch, my mum, who was stopping by to grab their tickets to some show they were going to she had forgotten, saw and so she attacked him off of me, but…he started attacking her back. And he ended up actually beating her to death." Louis's jaw was hanging open. 

"Oh my God," He exclaimed loudly making her laugh. "I'm so sorry that happened to you." He added sincerely. 

"It's okay." She said and smiled somberly. 

"No, its not." 

"It is, though." She assured. "I mean, if I don't think its okay how am I supposed to get over it?" Louis bit his cheek. 

"You don't have to say its okay to get over it, you just need to accept the fact that it happened." He said. "Because that is not okay and its not okay for you to say its okay." 

"Look, you don't have to pity me." Elise said holding up her hand to stop Louis from talking. "I've got enough pity to last my entire life." 

"It wasn't pity, though." Louis said softly.

"You don't even know me and I just told you my sob story, you feel more pity then you do sympathy and people tend to confuse pity with sympathy." She spoke as she walked to the edge of the building and looked over the ledge. 

"Well, pity isn't always a bad thing." Louis said turning back around and stood beside her. He put the cigarette between his lips and inhaled deeply. 

"It isn't always a good thing also." She added gazing up at the sky. "So, why do you come up here?" She turned to him. 

"I really needed to be alone and this is the best place for it." He explained. 

"Oh, sorry. I can leave if you want to be alone." She suggested leaning away from the edge. 

"Its okay. I didn't know other people from different parts of the hospital came up here." 

"They don't." She laughed. "Not that I know of. I mean, I know those other girls from wherever come up here, but other than that I don't think so. Sometimes I just need to clear my head." She added. 

"Me too."

"Why do you need to clear your head?" She asked curiously.

"I've only been here a week and today I had to get weighed and now I feel like there's a huge weight on the my shoulders bringing me down." 

"Why? What's so bad about getting weighed?" She asked. 

"Hello, I'm an anorexic." Louis said sarcastically and Elise giggled.

"I've never met a guy who's had an eating disorder." She said. "Seems like only girls get them then you remember that weight affects everyone whether it be their insecurity of it or being content with it." She added.

"Yeah," He sighed. "I wish I could be content with it, but the concept of being happy with my weight and body seems foreign to me." He let out a puff of smoke. 

"I wish I could forget a lot of things." She admitted looking down at the ledge, twiddling her fingers together nervously. 

"That's the problem with the mind. It makes us forget the stuff we want to remember and remember the stuff we want to forget. Its like a sick game." Louis sighed deeply. 

"So, how much do you weigh then?" Elise then asked glancing at Louis. 

"91 pounds and 3 ounces." He answered in a reluctant tone. 

"Really?" She asked in astonishment. "That's so skinny, how does that make you feel like you have a weight on your shoulders?" 

"That's the problem, I don't even know. I just do. I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to get fat again." 

"I highly doubt you were even fat to begin with." Elise said looking back down at the ground. "The problem with losing weight is that its usually gained back, you do realize that right?" She asked. 

"What do you mean?" Louis asked. 

"Everybody's body has a set point at which our weight is supposedly set at, so once you begin to lose weight your body tries to compensate for it because it wants to maintain homeostasis. Like your metabolism rate will lower for example, but actually changing your diet and all to lose weight requires a lifestyle change, that's why so many people who work out and diet to lose weight eventually gain it back if they stop. Our bodies are want to maintain a balance." She explained. "To me it doesn't make sense. So many people in this world strive to be skinny because they think they'll be accepted, but they don't even know what skinny is to begin with. What is skinny? Can you tell me that?" She asked. Louis didn't say anything, he just shook his head. Being skinny was being skinny. "That's the problem. We don't know what skinny is and people are just going to keep starving themselves until they think they've achieved it. But how can you become something you don't know the definition of? People are never going to see themselves as skinny so they're gonna keep starving themselves until they basically bring themselves to the brink of death. And what are you supposed to do after you've starved yourself to become skinny? Do you just keep not eating to stay that way or do you start eating again? Because you can't just starve yourself to a certain weight then started eating again and not expect to gain anything. Like I said, our bodies are built a certain way. Some people's bodies are built thinner. Others aren't, but its nothing to be ashamed of. Its just how God made us. And God made everyone perfect in their own way."

"Wow," Louis was speechless. "That's pretty insightful." 

"I spend a lot of time by myself so its usually just me and my thoughts." Elise said solemnly. 

"I used to spend a lot of time by myself." 

"I still do." Elise laughed softly. "I can't leave my room except for meal times and then when I am in my room I'm alone and have nothing to do. I'm literally bored to tears." She mumbled shaking her head. 

"Can't they give you a book or something to read?" 

"I guess, but I don't have any books and they don't have any to lend me. I'd say my dad could bring me some but ever since the incident he turned into an alcoholic and stopped visiting me." She looked down and sighed sadly. 

"Aw, that's sad." Louis said biting the inside of his cheek. "My dad wanted to disown me." 

"Are you kidding? Oh my goodness, why?" Elise exclaimed. 

"Because I'm gay and he's strictly against that." Louis explained. "So when that didn't work, he just left." 

"Oh my, that's awful." Elise whispered softly. 

"Yeah, well," Louis just mumbled with a shrug. 

"Is that what kind of sparked your disorder?" She asked. Louis opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it and pursed his lips together.

"Kind of." He said. "Long story short, I was on a competition cheer team and I almost got kicked off because I exceeded their weight limit so I decided to drop a few pounds. And once I did that I started seeing all the things wrong with me and my body. And then I came out to my father and he totally froze me out for it and to me it was kind of a just a confirmation that everything I thought of myself was true. And everything just kept falling apart after that."

"Well anything that falls apart can be put back together." Elise said. "And anything that can be put together can fall apart." Louis glanced at her curiously. 

"You seem too normal to be in a hospital." He smiled and she smiled back at him. 

"Trust me. I've suffered from major depression, PTSD, and have attempted suicide twice. I've been here for two and half years. I'm glad you think I seem normal because when I first came here I was everything but normal." She laughed softly. 

"Well, everyone's normal. Its just the way people perceive normality as."

"People are weird." Elise said and Louis laughed. She turned around and leaned against the ledge with her arms crossed. She looked at Louis and actually got a good look at him. Though it was still pretty dark. Really dark. Their wasn't any light source at all really except for the dim dim light from Louis's cigarette and the brilliant moonlight. "You're pretty handsome." She said with a small smile. Louis's face lit up with surprise. 

"Oh, well thank you." He replied shyly. Handsome. That was a weird word. Like, a really weird word. What did it even mean?

"No problem." She smiled at him. 

"You're beautiful too," He replied and she blushed slightly. 

"Thank you, it means a lot."

"No problem." This was weird. They were complimenting each other, what's a compliment? 

"Well, I'm freezing so I'm probably going to head back to my jail cell now." Elise joked stepping away from the ledge. 

"Have you ever gotten caught coming up here or going back?" Louis asked curiously. 

"No," She said. "Then again, I don't come up here often, but the nurses aren't as strict as they probably should be." She added with a chuckle. "So, this short chat was nice. Nice to meet you and good luck with becoming content with yourself. Your body does everything for you, it deserves a little love."

"And good luck to you too, I guess." Louis said then rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. 

"Thanks," She nodded. "I actually might get discharged in the upcoming weeks. That is, if the doctors come to the agreement that I am ready and healthy enough to be discharged." 

"Well, then good luck with that." Louis wished with a smile. 

"Thanks." Louis nodded and she turned around. Louis turned back to the ledge and leaned against it on his forearms. He brought the cigarette to his lips and let out a puff. He heard the door open then close, then he dropped the cigarette over the side of the building and watched it fall. Then he tilted his head up and turned his attention to the stars. 

-

It was 11:45 when Louis headed back down to his room. Did he really spend an hour and fifteen minutes just staring up at the stars? Apparently. He was careful to be quiet for Harry who he thought was asleep. But then he saw Harry sitting up and reading a book. 

"You were gone long." He stated glancing at Louis. Louis closed the door quietly and strode over to Harry's bed, sitting on the edge. Harry sat up more and crossed his legs, covering them with the blanket. 

"Yeah, well," Louis said quietly. 

"Everything alright?" Harry asked. 

"I guess." Louis slumped over. He didn't know if he was alright or not. He didn't feel alright. "Why do I feel so bad?" He asked sadly and looked at Harry. His eyes looked so big and blue. 

"Because you came to the realization that you're gaining inevitable weight." Harry said. "We all are and being who we are, gaining weight is frowned upon." He added. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm one proud away from triple digits." Louis pouted and Harry smiled a little because Louis looked indescribably adorable pouting. 

"I'll probably have a mental breakdown once I do." Louis joked. Harry chortled and closed his book, placing it beside him. "What're you reading?" Louis asked curiously and glanced over at the cover. 

"Hellfire by John Saul." Harry answered. "Its really good." 

"What's it about?" 

"I'm not sure how to explain it without making it sound completely confusing or giving away the plot." Harry said chuckling. "Did you ever start Relic?" 

"Oh my gosh, I completely forgot about it!" Louis exclaimed and held a dismayed hand to his cheek. "I'm sorry. Wow, I can't believe I forgot about it." He murmured. 

"That's fine, you don't have anything to apologize for." Louis smiled. "I'm just an avid reader and need someone to talk to about the book. Well, that's if you like it-oh my goodness! Okay, so have you ever read a book that's been made into a movie and then the movie is different from the book? Like different bad?" Harry asked animatedly. 

"Yeah, I hate that!" Louis was kind of lying. He hardly ever read, let alone read a book that was made into a movie. Harry Potter was an exception, but Harry just sounded so excited and happy, Louis didn't want to diminish those feelings for him. 

"Exactly! Well, in the book they have this one reoccurring character; Pendergast. And he's a detective and basically one of the main characters in the book. But in the movie they took out his entire part! How can you make a movie out of a book and take out the most important role!" Harry exclaimed. Louis smiled at him fondly. Harry was so cute. 

"Some things should just be illegal." Louis joked and Harry nodded. 

"Seriously. The movie sucked because of it. He was my favorite character!" 

"Well, I can't wait to start it." Louis said and Harry smiled. Louis's smile slowly fell into a serious pensive look. Harry looked at him questionably. "What's skinny?" He asked. 

"You ask a lot of rhetorical questions." Harry replied with instead making him laugh. "What do you mean?" He then asked in return.

"Well, I was up on the roof and this other person came up as well. They weren't from the EDU. Her name was Elise and she said she had been here for two and a half years." Louis explained. "But we were talking and she asked me, like, what skinny was. Like, what it meant to be skinny. And while she was talking and I was thinking, I don't really know what skinny is or how to describe it. Like, I know it's being really thin and all, but I feel like it's a lot more than that. You kinda know what I mean?" He asked. 

"Kind of." Harry said softly. "But if someone were to come up to me and ask me what being skinny meant. . .I probably wouldn't really know what to say?" 

"That's the problem, isn't it? I mean, most of us starved ourselves or forced vomiting in hopes of losing weight and becoming skinny or skinnier. But how can we be skinny if we don't know what it is?" 

"Well, skinny could be described as something simple like being very thin. Or, it could have a less literal meaning. Skinny is simply a state of mind."  

"A stupid state of mind." Louis scoffed and Harry laughed. 

"Well, if it were a good state of mind then we wouldn't be here right now." Harry said with a shrug. 

"But then I wouldn't have ever met you." Harry looked at him solemnly before smiling. 

"We still would've found each other." He said after moment of silence. "You know, like, in the friend kind of way. That sounded a lot less, um, weird in my head." He added sheepishly and Louis laughed, smiling at him. 

"I know what you mean, don't worry." He reassured. Although he was worried. And so was Harry. He wanted to find Louis in a non friend way. In a love-at-first sight kind of way. He wanted to meet Louis in a coffee shop. And there, they would bump into each other while waiting in line and then they'd start talking and that would lead to them eventually sitting across from each other at the table with their coffee and they'd talk. They'd talk about their lives, their passions, school, what they wanted to be when they grew up, everything. Even when their coffees would be empty and tilted on their sides, they'd still be talking. Then one of them would stand up and say they had to go. But before that they'd exchange phone numbers and text constantly like middle schoolers. Then one day Harry would ask him on a date. Or Louis would ask him. And they'd have a real relationship. 

But instead, they were sitting in a dark room in the middle of a hospital. So not romantic. 

Louis sighed and stretched across the foot of the bed. His legs dangled off one end and his head hung off the other. He stretched his arms over his head causing his shirt to ride up above his belly button. 

Harry looked at his stomach. Of course, Louis being stretched out across the bed his stomach seem extremely thin and concaved. It curved in and the band of his sweatpants didn't even rest against his skin because his hip bones were holding them above the skin. They were that prominent. His shirt even fitted around his ribs creating a bowled shape to his body. 

Louis grunted and sat up, pulling his shirt down over his hips quickly then rolled back down. And his shirt just rode up even higher. He groaned and Harry took the edge of his blanket, pulling it over Louis to cover his whole torso. Louis was touched by the gesture and smiled up at Harry to the best of his abilities. Harry smiled back and Louis let his head fall back again. He stared at the upside down wall then started humming the melody to a song. 

"What song are you humming?" Harry asked curiously. 

"Practice Makes Perfect by Cute Is What We Aim For." Louis answered.

"I don't think I've heard that song before,"

"You should listen to it sometime." 

"Or you could sing it for me." Harry teased smiling. Louis scoffed. 

"Oh, yeah." He said sarcastically and Harry laughed. "I'm getting lightheaded." Louis then said and hauled himself into an upright position. He crossed his legs and adjusted the blanket accordingly. 

"Don't pass out." Harry joked and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Please, if I wanted to pass out I'd slam my head against the wall." 

"Well do you want to pass out or give yourself a concussion?" Harry asked. 

"Both? They say if you have a concussion not to lie down because then you can slip into a coma." Louis explained. "I wish I had a concussion." He then said lackadaisically. "Then I'd take a nap and pray that I slip into a coma." 

"Well I wouldn't want to be a coma." Harry said. "Who knows how long it'd be until you woke up? What if you were in a coma for, like, 12 years? That's a whole decade plus two years. I mean, I can't even imagine waking up and being told I was in a coma for twelve years." 

"What if you never wake up?" Louis asked. 

"That's a little morbid, don't you think?" 

"Maybe to you." Harry looked down at his lap. 

"Well," He started but then paused. "I don't know." He said and chuckled sheepishly. 

"Do we really know anything?" Louis asked jokingly. Harry laughed and rolled his eyes at Louis. Louis rubbed his hands together to create a little warmth because their room was freezing. "I'm so cold." He said yawning. 

"Here." Harry leaned over the edge of the bed and pulled out a spare blanket from under it. He handed it to Louis. 

"Packers? Really?" Louis asked condescendingly. He held up the blanket and starrd down at the obnoxiously large logo before looking back up at Harry. 

"Hey," Harry said defensively. "I like the Packers and if you don't then you can just freeze." Louis laughed and unfolded the blanket entirely, wrapping himself in the fleecy warmth. 

"They play American football right?" He asked. 

"Yep," Harry nodded and smiled at Louis. He looked adorable all bundled up in Harry's blanket. It smelled like him and Louis liked that. 

"Do your best american accent." 

"What? I don't know how to do an American accent." Harry exclaimed. 

"C'mon, its not that hard. Just try then I will too." Louis said with a smile.

"Fine," Harry said then sighed exaggeratedly.  "Um, hello there, I love America. Go sports." He said sarcastically but did his best to sound American. It didn't sound to good. It just sounded like a really watered down British accent. Louis was guffawing, covering his mouth with his hand to muffle his boisterous laughter. "Okay, okay, your turn!" Harry said feeling his cheek flush. 

"Fine, fine." Louis cleared his throat and settled down. "Hey dude, want to go get a cheeseburger and some french fries? It'll be totally awesome." He said before laughing too hard to speak. Well, both of them were laughing too hard to speak. 

"Okay, your american accent sounded way better than mine." Harry managed to say after their laughter had frayed away. 

"No, yours was definitely better." Louis retorted. 

"Oh, pishaw." Harry said rolling his eyes and waved his hand at Louis. 

He wasn't sure how long they stayed up talking, but it must of been pretty long since they ended up falling asleep together. Well, not so much together-together. Harry was curled in a ball on half the bed and Louis was sprawled out across the bottom half of the bed. 

Louis woke up, rubbing his eyes tiredly. The room was still dark, as was the sky outside the windows. He sat up and Harry, who was still sound asleep, stretched his legs out, kicking Louis in the process. Louis moved to one side so Harry had room for his legs. He moved up and laid down beside Harry, resting his head on the pillow. He looked at Harry. The moonlight reflecting off the wall painted a pretty picture on Harry's thin face. He looked so peaceful. One arm was tucked under his head and another was lying against the open space between them. His hand was palm up and his fingers were curled in slightly like a really, really loose fist. 

Louis's eyes changed from Harry's hand, to his face, then back to his hand. 

"Harry?" He whispered very, very softly. No response. "Are you awake?" He asked raising his voice ever so slightly. Still no response. Louis reached out slowly with his hand, careful if Harry were to wake up, and gently placed his hand over Harry's. He slotted his fingers between Harry's so it was like they were holding hands. Louis smiled a little, looking at their hands. 

He felt so happy and just...warm, like this was the place where he belonged. Right beside Harry, wrapped in his blanket, and actually feeling like he meant something.

Then Harry's hand closed around his and Louis almost fell out of the bed. Louis froze, his whole body tensing tightly. Harry's hand just closed around his so it was like they were actually holding hands. They were actually holding hands. "Harry?" Louis was almost too afraid to ask. Was he actually awake? Or was it just a natural body reflex and he was unconsciously aware of what was happening? "Harry, are you awake?" Louis whispered. Maybe he should've pulled his hand away by now, but he just couldn't will himself to. Harry was still unresponsive leading Louis to believe he was asleep and if that was so then he most definitely wanted to take advantage of the moment. He relaxed a little and glanced back and forth between Harry and their hands. He felt happy.


	11. Chapter 11

When Louis woke up he and Harry were still in the same exact positions they were when he fell asleep and they were still holding hands. Louis smiled. They slept through the night holding hands. Of course, Harry was unaware about it though. He didn't know that in the middle of the night Louis put their hands together.

Louis wanted to turn over his shoulder and look at the time, but based on the pale yellow light filtering in through the window giving the room a warm glow Louis believed the sun was starting to rise. 

So instead of staring at the clock he decided to stare at Harry. He looked just as peaceful as he did last night. It was so quiet he could hear his breathing and that was really soothing. He was glad Harry was still asleep because once he woke up he'd probably tear his hand away from Louis's. But Harry's hand felt so warm and it made Louis feel so warm and fuzzy inside. 

Harry started stirring awake and Louis panicked. Does he quickly pull his hand out of Harry's before he can realize their hands were together or does he feign being asleep to "see" how Harry reacts? He couldn't pull his hand away from Harry's now without raising some suspicion, not that there wouldn't already be some suspicion as to why they were holding hands or even how that happened since he was asleep. 

Louis quickly closed his eyes and tried to act like he was sound asleep. He could feel Harry shift around slightly on the bed as he stirred awake. He wished he could open his eyes to see Harry. He bet he looked even cuter waking up then he did actually being asleep. He heard him yawn then the entire room seemed to freeze. Harry hadn't pulled his hand out of Louis's but surely he realized it, right? Louis's heart was pounding. 

Then something really weird happened. Louis felt a soft movement against his hand. And then he realized that Harry was gently brushing his thumb against the top of Louis's hand. Affectionately. Louis had to fight the urge to smile because feeling Harry brush gentle strokes against his hand made him enthralled with happiness and warmth. But if he smiled he'd totally give himself away and then a perfect moment like this would turn awkward. He wished he could see Harry. Were his eyes closed? Was he staring at Louis? Smiling fondly? He didn't know!

Harry was smiling at him lazily because Louis looked so beautiful in the morning light. His skin was bathed in brilliant sunlight and Harry wasn't going to question why or how their hands ended up in each others, he was only going embrace it. Louis's hand was so soft and little compared to Harry's. Well, not so little as it was just smaller. He closed his eyes and continued brushing his thumb against the back of Louis's hand. He was so soft with it. It was like he was rubbing dew off of a flower petal. Eventually he drifted back to sleep and so did Louis. 

Sad enough, though, when he woke up again their hands were no longer holding each others. Harry had both his arms tucked between his head and the pillow. Louis was lying on his stomach with his arms pressed between the bed and his body. He turned over on his back and arched back in a stretch as he yawned. He fell back against the bed and sighed contently. Harry's eyes slowly fluttered open. He wasn't gonna lie to himself, he could totally get used to waking up beside Louis everyday. 

"Morning." He whispered closing his eyes again. Louis turned to him and smiled cutely. 

"Morning." He replied sleepily. 

"What time is it?" Harry asked. His voice sounded so low and groggy from sleep. It was music to Louis's ears. 

"7:36." Louis answered flatly. Harry groaned.

"That means we have to get up soon." He whined. "We" have to get up soon. We. We as in we as a whole. We has one. Together. 

"I don't want to get up." Louis sighed. 

"Neither do I." Harry opened his eyes and yawned again. "I'm too tired." 

"Did you know that if you wake up tired that means you're more than likely dehydrated so all you have to do is drink some water then you should wake up refreshed." Louis said and Harry grinned.

"Is that so?" He asked. 

"I read that online so it's probably not true." Louis laughed. 

"What else do you know off the top of your head?" 

"Hm," Louis hummed. "Did you know that due to extreme pressure and temperature it could literally rain diamonds on Uranus?" Harry snickered. 

"Uranus." He laughed and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"And the perverted thirteen year old strikes again." He said sarcastically as Harry just grinned in feign innocence. 

"All jokes aside, that's interesting. I wish it would rain diamonds here." 

"Also, did you know that there are underwater rivers that run along the ocean floor? I saw a picture of one once and it looked really cool."

"How do you know all this stuff?" Harry asked curiously. 

"When I got bored I would Google interesting facts and some just stuck with me." Louis said with a shy smile. 

"What else "just stuck" with you?" Harry asked jokingly. "And don't start with "Did you know. . .," because trust me, I don't know." He said and Louis laughed. 

"Well," He started. "Japan has giant hornets whose venom is potent enough to melt human flesh." 

"Ew." Harry grimaced.

"And did you know dark chocolate contains a chemical that our bodies convert into phenylethylamine. The same chemical secreted when we fall in love." Harry peered at him curiously and smirked. 

"What was that chemical name again?" 

"Phenylethylamine." Louis stated with a nod. 

"How do you spell that?" He asked challengingly. 

"P-h-e-n-y-l-e-t-h-y-l-a-m-i-n-e." Louis spelled out slowly and Harry looked at him in awe. 

"How the hell do you know how to spell that?" He exclaimed shocked. 

"If you just sound it out it really isn't all that hard." Louis said with a shrug. 

"Does that mean when we eat dark chocolate we fall in love?" 

"Yes, you fall in love with the chocolate." Louis joked and they both laughed. Harry had such an infectious laugh. 

"Its a ploy to get you to buy more chocolate so the company gets more money." He joked back. Louis smiled and turned his face into the pillow to hide his face and Harry just thought that was the most adorable thing ever. Like, it just made him 100x more cuter that when he got shy he hid his face. But he only hid his face when he smiled really big. It was almost as if Louis didn't want him to see him smile. "Any other interesting facts you care to share?" Louis turned and looked at Harry, thinking for a moment. 

"Did you know otters fall asleep holding paws so they don't float away from each other?" He asked with a quaint smile. He knew what he was doing. Harry did not. 

"Are you calling us otters?" Harry wasn't even thinking when he said that and once he heard himself actually say that he felt himself flush warm and he was sure his heart had actually stopped. Louis panicked and his face paled. 

"What-" 

"What?" 

"I-um, didn't hear what you said." Louis said unsurely and Harry quickly propped himself up on his elbows. 

"Oh, I, I didn't say anything. I was talking to myself." He sputtered sitting up. 

"Oh, okay." Louis looked up at him. 

"Wow, um, I really have to use the bathroom." Harry stood up and quickly walked across the room to the bathroom. Louis turned on his back, feeling unbelievably exasperated for only being awake ten minutes. Was Harry implying he knew they held hands through the night? Well duh, Louis faked sleeping when Harry started waking up and he hadn't pulled his hand away. He actually brushed the top of his hand gently with his thumb. 

But Harry wasn't sure, and didn't know, Louis knew about them holding hand so now he was in the bathroom panicking. Louis probably thought he was the stupidest person ever now. Are you calling us otters? Really? He even thought he was stupid! Why was he so foolish? Why did the worst things have to slip out of his mouth at the worst times? He just fucked everything up. Everything!

"Harry?" Louis asked through the door five minutes later. Harry froze. "Are you almost done in there? I kind of have to use to the bathroom too." He laughed and Harry sighed in relief. 

"Yeah," He opened the door. Louis looked up at him with a meek smile as a way to reassure him because he knew Harry was probably feeling embarrassed. Harry smiled back and stepped around him. Louis went in to the bathroom, brushed his teeth, fixed his unruly bed head, and made himself look somewhat presentable. Not that he needed to be presentable, but he wanted to.

By the time he stepped out of the bathroom Harry had already gone to the dayroom so Louis slipped on his shoes and headed there himself. He sat down across from Harry who was sitting beside Macy, as always. Then he felt a bad feeling start to creep in. Dinner last night was unbelievably unbearable. And now he had to eat breakfast. There's no way he could possibly eat knowing how much weight he had gained. 

He still felt appalled with himself, and he wished that feeling would go away because he did not like that feeling. He didn't like feeling disgusted with himself and the only way for him to feel better would be to lose the weight he was forced to gain. But that wasn't an option for him. He didn't have any options except to eat the food set down in front of him. He didn't like always being the last one sitting at the table with a full plate in front of him, either. 

Which was exactly where he was now. It was 9:42 and he still had over half his plate left. 

Macy strode into the dayroom and noticed Louis sitting there. So she decided to go sit with him just casually.

"So," She greeted sitting down in the empty seat in front of him. Louis looked up at her a little suspiciously. Her sly grin was not reassuring.

"What?" 

"What do you think of Harry?" She asked. 

"What do you mean what do I think of him?"

"Just, like, what to do you think of him?" She asked simply. What does he think of him? He thinks Harry's amazing. He's kind, and funny, and he can make Louis smile, and laugh when he feels like crying, and feel all warm inside, and he had really pretty eyes. So, you could say Louis thought highly of him. 

"He's. . .nice." Louis just said. Macy's face dropped and she looked at him patronizingly. 

"Seriously?" She asked. "Oh my gosh, he said the same generic thing about you." She and Harry had talked about him? Louis's stomach twisted. 

"Why were you talking about me?" 

"Well, we weren't, like, talking about you. We were talking and you happened to come up in the conversation." She lied. 

"Okay?" Louis said questionably. What had they been talking about? What did Harry say about him?

"Anyway," She said moving on. "Its obvious you like him, but-"

"Wait, what?" Louis interrupted indignantly. "I do not like Harry, what the hell are you talking about?"

"C'mon Louis, its so obvious, don't even try to deny it." She said and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"No, you're wrong." Louis stated. "I mean, I like him as a friend, but strictly that. I've only been here for, like, five days, give or take. Goodness gracious." He looked away, scoffing at her.

"Okay, so then explain up on the roof that one night when he asked you if you were cold and you said "when I'm around you I feel warm." We all heard it, even Harry." 

"Okay, we talked about that after you left and you guys took it way out of context. Okay? It didn't mean anything even though you interpreted that way." He retorted angrily. 

"Its okay, Harry likes you too." Macy told him with a small smile. 

"Well, that's great, but he doesn't and I don't like him. We're just friends." Louis said stubbornly. 

"Louis, I talked to him and he does-"

"So what?" Louis interrupted. "I don't believe you."

"C'mon, I'm mean, but I'm not that mean." She joked. "He said you're nice and funny and have beautiful eyes and an amazing laugh, not to mention a gorgeous smile." And I quote him on that word for word." She added smirking. Louis bit the inside of his cheek. Harry didn't actually say that stuff, right? Why would he? None of that stuff was true. In fact, the opposite of those things were what was true. 

"Yeah right," He rolled his eyes again.

"You think I'm lying?" Macy asked. 

"Yeah, I do."

"Why?" 

"Because." Louis said stiffly. "We're just friends. We just like each other as friends."

"And I'm here telling you that Harry likes you more than a friend-"

"No, he fucking doesn't." Louis interrupted. One thing he hated as much as eating was being lied to. 

"Calm down." Macy said holding her hands up defensively. Why couldn't Louis of been like Harry? 

"I am calm." Louis replied sternly. 

"I'm just saying-"

"You're just saying shit-"

"What the fuck are you getting all defensive about?" Macy interrupted caught off by Louis's abrasiveness. 

"What shouldn't I be getting defensive about? You just randomly sat across from me and started talking about how I like Harry and stuff, which totally isn't true because I do not. And whatever you're saying about Harry totally isn't true either-"

"But Louis-"

"Its not true." 

"But-"

"It is not true." Macy wanted to slap Louis in the face and scream at him about how he was just in denial and that Harry really truly did like him, but Louis was a difficult person so she decided not to push it. Obviously Louis knew it was true though, but wanted to believe it wasn't. Why? She had no idea

"Why don't you believe me?" She asked softly. 

"Because." Louis simply said. He looked down at his plate. "How could it be true?" 

"How could it not when I talked to him myself just yesterday?" Macy retorted. 

"Because," He stated. "Its been, like, five days." 

"People fall in love in one day-"

"Love?" 

"I'm just using it as an analogy." 

"Well that's a shitty analogy." Louis said rolling his eyes. 

"C'mon, you're just in denial. Gosh, guys are so stupid about these things." She shook her head in dismay.

"I'm not stupid about something you're trying to force on me." Louis fired back sternly. 

"I'm not force anything. I'm simply stating what you're obviously in denial of or willingly choosing not to believe." 

"You're just making up shit in your head." Macy sighed. 

"Maybe I am." She said. Why couldn't Louis be a easier person to deal with, like Harry? "But I'm 99% positive that I'm not." She added and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Whatever, believe shit or believe my word, either way, I'm done talking about this." Macy sighed and stood up. 

"You're so fucking stubborn." She mumbled walking away. Louis felt worse.

He felt even worse when the clock hit 10 o'clock and group therapy started but since Louis hadn't finished his breakfast (or had hardly even started) he was forced to go sit in Dr. Bindles office where he was forced to eat and talk about his reluctance to eat which was a conversation he could never seem to escape.


	12. Chapter 12

"Louis," Dr. Bindle sighed tiredly. 

"Dr. Bindle." Louis mocked exaggerating a fake sigh. Dr. Bindle gazed at him with a grin before chuckling. 

"Why do you feel incompetent when it comes to eating?" He asked. 

"Its not that I feel as though I can't eat, I just don't want too." Louis grimaced at his plate that sat on Dr. Bindles desk. 

"But you know that in the end you're going to have to finish your plate, so why do you always wait until the last straw to start eating?"

"Because I don't like to eat. I don't want to eat. But eventually I give up and cave in. Happy?" He asked in annoyance. 

"No." Dr. Bindle stated firmly. His hands were folded tightly together on top of the desk and his expression was unreadable. Louis, however, looked the utmost annoyed. As always. 

"Aw, forcing me to eat doesn't make you happy? Poor baby." Louis pouted before smirking with a chuckle. 

"Would you say your sarcasm is part of your personality or a front you use to shield yourself?" Dr. Bindle asked calmly. 

"Personality. It just becomes more evident when I talk to prats." He snapped. 

"You see, I think you use sarcasm as a shield, almost." Dr. Bindle said and Louis sighed loudly, rolling his eyes. 

"A shield for what?" He asked. 

"A shield for your vulnerability. Your raw emotion. A front you use to protect yourself. Its like you being sarcastic is another way of saying 'I act like I don't care about anything, but I really do.'" 

"Wow, that was, like, soooo insightful." Louis said cynically and smirked. 

"Drop the attitude." Dr. Bindle reprimanded sternly. 

"I can't drop something that doesn't have a physical presence." Louis teased. 

"You know what I mean." 

"Do I?" He retorted.

"Doesn't seem like you do." Dr. Bindle said tiredly. 

"Are you insulting me?" 

"Did you take it as an insult?" 

"Kind of." 

"Then yes."

"It's fascinating that a hospital would hire doctors who insult their patients." Louis crossed his arms tightly across his chest and looked at Dr. Bindle narrowly. 

"I wasn't literally insulting you, Louis." 

"Because that just automatically makes it okay." Louis scoffed and rolled his eyes. If he had a dollar for every time he rolled his eyes...

"Get up." Dr. Bindle instructed pushing back his chair and standing up himself. 

"Why? Are we going on a field trip?" He asked remaining in his chair. 

"Yes," Dr. Bindle replied sarcastically. "Stand up." Louis groaned and stood up. Dr.Bindle walked to the door and pulled it open. "Grab your plate." 

"No." Louis walked over to the door. "Sometimes people drop things." He said stepping through the doorway and into the hallway. Dr. Bindle was growing so sick and tired of dealing with him and it had only been a week. Louis still had months left here. Dr. Bindle grabbed is cold plate and stepped out of his office. Trudging along behind him like he was walking into a fat camp, Louis wondered where they were going. It probably wasn't anywhere good. They turned down a hallway Louis hadn't been down before and stopped in front of door. 

Dr. Fairchild read the plaque beside the door. "There are three doctors in this place?" Louis asked. Dr. Bindle just nodded before opening the door. 

A young man looked up from his desk. The office looked just like Dr. Wentz's and Dr. Bindle. Dr. Fairchild looked fairly young. Like, late twenties young or early thirties whereas Dr. Wentz was around 35 and Dr. Bindle was 49. 

"Good morning." He greeted glancing at them. "How can I help you?"

"I thought Louis Tomlinson here would benefit more talking to you than me." Dr. Bindle explained. He walked across the room and placed the plate on the corner of Dr. Fairchild's desk. 

"I see, and what's the specific problem?" He asked. 

"Refusal to eat and attitude." Dr. Bindle told him tiredly. They both nodded and Dr. Bindle glanced back at Louis who stood meekly in the doorway. "Come on in." He coaxed. Louis just took a step in and stayed there. "Good luck." Dr. Bindle turned and walked out of the office. He closed the door behind him and Louis crossed his arms. 

"Take a seat?" Dr. Fairchild suggested gesturing to one of the chairs in front of his desk. Louis stomped over and dropped down in one of the chairs. "So, breakfast is at eight o'clock, its currently 10:12, and you still have a full plate." He said glancing at Louis. "Tell me what is wrong with that statement."

"Um, nothing. I think that sentence was grammatically correct." Dr. Fairchild laughed. It was a pretty empty laugh though. 

"So, from my understanding, you've been reluctant to eat your meals in a timely manner and have got quite a lip on you." 

"Why ever would I be reluctant to eat?" Louis asked sarcastically and rolled his eyes. 

"Who knows? You're just so healthy already." Dr. Fairchild retorted. 

"I know right? I should be discharged." 

"You're 19, legally we cannot hold you here. You can sign yourself out at anytime." Louis was ready to jump to his feet and make a run for it. Could he really sign himself out whenever he wished? 

"Are you serious?" Louis asked in a hopeful tone.

"No." Dr. Fairchild said with a bittersweet smile. Louis sunk in his chair. He shouldn't of gotten his hopes up, even if it were only for a split second. "Yes." 

"What?" Louis asked confused. 

"Yes and no. No because you're still registered in the unhealthy weight zone. Once you have reached the healthy weight zone you are eligible to sign yourself out. Its not recommended though." He explained, but the only thing Louis cared about was the fact that he could check himself out on his own. 

"I don't care." Louis said. "The second I reach healthy weight zone, I am out of here." 

"And the only way to make it into the zone is to eat." Dr. Fairchild picked up his plate from the edge of his desk and placed it down in front of Louis. 

"No."

"Why won't you eat it?" 

"Do you not realize that that is literally the stupidest question to ask someone who has anorexia?" Louis snapped. 

"Yes, but everyone has different reasons. I want to know yours." Dr. Fairchild said calmly. 

"Because if I eat then I'll get fat and I don't want to get fat." Louis stated crossing his arms tightly. 

"Louis, you were never fat to begin to with-"

"And how the fuck are you supposed to know that?" 

"How much did you weigh before you started losing weight?" He asked. 

"I don't know, like, 170." Louis said. It was after the weigh in for cheer comp when he decided to lose some weight since he was literally one pound away from 175.

"Okay, and you're 5 foot 9. For males of that height and weight, especially considering the amount of physical activity you partook in, is considered healthy. You weren't overweight. What happened is that you developed a distorted body image so you saw yourself as fat when you really weren't." 

"Would people stop blaming distorted body images as the cause of anorexia and bulimia-"

"That is a major factor in the cause of these disorders." 

"There's a lot of other major causes for the disorders. In fact, something has to happen for a person to develop a distorted body image, so technically the body images don't cause the disorder. Its what happens before that." Louis said sternly. 

"Like?" Dr. Fairchild asked. 

"Depends on the person. People go through different things that can lead to it. For me it was my father and the fucking weigh ins for cheer competition." 

"That's where it starts, but its the distorted image that really plays the deciding factor." 

"Deciding factor of what?" Louis asked. 

"You tell me." 

"If I could then I wouldn't of asked." Louis responded in annoyance. Dr. Fairchild sighed heavily. 

"Look, you have a long way to come," 

"Tell me something I don't know." Louis mumbled. 

"But if you actually start to cooperate then you'll be able to come that long way in a shorter amount of time. If you keep up this attitude and stubborn act then you're going to be here a lot longer then you should be, let alone want to be." Dr. Fairchild said and Louis rolled his eyes. Dr. Fairchild adjusted his glasses, taking them off, and placed them on his desk. 

"Stubborn act?" He asked in feign innocence. 

"Just eat." Dr. Fairchild said sternly. 

"No."

"Eat." He demanded. 

"Fuck you." 

"Ooh, what a big word for a big boy." He retorted in a child-like tone. 

"Learned it myself." Louis said smiling. 

"Well that means you can at least do something for yourself." Dr. Fairchild smirked back. 

"You seem like a really likeable doctor." Louis replied matching his level of sarcasm. 

"And you have such a stunning disposition." Louis furrowed his eyebrows together and looked at Dr. Fairchild quizzically. 

"Why thank you," He then said in feign sincerity. Dr. Fairchild smiled at him, tilting his head to the side. 

"No need to thank me, just eat." 

"That's okay, I'll just thank you instead." Louis uncrossed his arms and slumped forward. 

"It wasn't a suggestion. Eat your food. Now." His smile had turned cold and their glares never left each others, like the silent war between them wasn't in anyone's favor yet. 

"No." Dr. Fairchild cracked his knuckles then folded his hands together, resting them on the table top. 

"Well you can't have a pity party and not eat the horsd'oeuvres." 

"Shut the hell up." Louis snapped. 

"Maybe if you'd drop this little pity act you keep wallowing in you'd actually take somewhat of an initiation that you actually want to get better." Dr. Fairchild argued sternly. "And the only way that is gonna happen is if you cut this tough guy retaliation act. I understand you're new here still and have a strong reluctance to eating, but its time to get over that and move on with your life. Do you want to stay this stubborn and sick forever? Because this is just a temporary rough patch you're going through, but its up to you to decide when this all ends. It is up to you and what you want, and you should want to get better." Dr. Fairchild said raising his tone with each sentence. 

"I want to lose weight."

"Do you want to go into cardiac arrest and end up on life support because your heart is too weak to push vital oxygen through your body?" Louis was quiet. "Eating disorders have the highest death rates of any other mental illness. Between 5 to 20 percent of the people who develop them die from them, and the longer you suffer from it the more likely you are to die from it. Do you not understand that by neglecting help you are jeopardizing your own life? I understand that you have probably lived a long while like this, in this mindset you have put yourself in that you can only feel good about yourself if you're losing weight, but are you going to feel good when you have a heart attack? Are you going to feel good when your liver and kidneys fail? Are you going to feel good when your hair is so thin that it begins to fall out? Are you going to feel good when your mitral valve prolapses? When you deprive yourself from the vital nutrients and minerals it needs to maintain energy and proper functioning it will begin to take those nutrients from itself. Do you have any idea what you are putting yourself in danger of simply because you want to lose weight?" Louis just looked at him blankly and Dr. Fairchild was beginning to wonder if Louis had been listening to him at all. 

"Telling me all that could happen isn't going to sway me at all like you think it will." He replied calmly. 

"Do you want to die?"

"Yes!" Louis jumped up to his feet. "Everyone here keeps asking me the same fucking thing; do you want to die? And you know what they expect? They expect me to freeze then admit that I don't want to die, that I want to get better, but I don't! I want to die! I just don't want to die this way!"

"So you don't want to get better, but you don't want to die from this?" Louis fell back down on his chair and sighed. He rubbed the back of his neck. 

"What's the point in getting better if I can't?" Dr. Fairchild took a deep breath. 

"Louis, this disorder is something you will beat.  It might be hard at times, but you the ability to overcome this. Everyone does." Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Yeah, that's why people die." 

"No, that's why people refuse recovery." Louis swallowed thickly. "Recovery isn't just about the easy days. It's about fighting through your worst days and coming out on the other side. You have a strength in you that you have yet to discover so don't give up so easily because it's still hard to eat." 

"Wow, I am so moved by your words. Let me just jump on this plate of cold breakfast food." Louis just said sarcastically. He turned his head down and uncrossed his arms, reaching down to the hem of his shirt. 

"You are missing the point." Dr. Fairchild was growing weary. 

"I'm not missing anything." Louis retorted. 

"Yes, you are." He said. "Everything is just going straight over your head." 

"How do you know whats going over my head or not?" Louis asked. "You see, you think you know everything, but you don't." 

"Same goes for you."

"But I don't think I know everything. I just know what I already know." Louis argued. 

"We all think we know everything until we're proven wrong." 

"And I have yet to be proven wrong that this place sucks." 

"You think this place sucks? Trust me, there are tougher, more strict places that you will get transferred to if you do not start cooperating right now. In fact, you probably should've been sent there to begin with." He threatened and Louis rolled his eyes yet again. 

"Can I go now?" He asked impatiently. 

"Have you finished your plate?" Louis just looked at him blankly. "Then no." He said and pulled a manilla folder in front of him, flipping it open. Louis sighed. He reached out and picked up the plate. Dr. Fairchild thought Louis was finally making the grand gesture, but then Louis let go of the plate and it crashed to the floor. Louis lifted up his foot and stomped it down on the food. 

"Oops."

"Shit." Dr. Fairchild cursed standing up. He pressed a button on the phone which paged a nurse and stepped around his desk. The door opened and a nurse stepped in only moments later. "Bring Louis here back to his room plus a supplement to make up for his breakfast and then please bring me something to clean up this mess." 

"Of course." The male nurse nodded. "Come with me." He said to Louis. Louis stood up and trudge over to the door. He followed the guy back to his boring and drab room where, once he was inside, the door was shut. And maybe even locked?

-

Lunch was horrendous and dinner was atrocious. As always, he was the last one eating at the table. Nothing new there. He got back to the room around 8:09. Harry wasn't in the room, that Louis could see, but based on the light peeking out under the bathroom door he assumed Harry was in there. Louis dropped down on his bed and sighed. The bathroom door opened and Harry stepped out in sweats and a tee shirt. He looked so skinny. 

"Finally finish?" He asked teasingly. 

"Yeah, and in a timely manner as well." Louis said jokingly and sat up. 

"As it always should be." 

"Of course." Harry walked across the floor, took the clothes in his hand and tossed then in a pile beside his bed, then climbed on top it. Louis looked at him across the room and smiled. 

"Did you know there are three doctors here?" He asked. 

"You mean there's another doctor besides just Dr. Bindle and Wentz?" 

"Yeah," Louis said with a nod.

"Really?" 

"Yeah, his names Dr. Fairchild." 

"Hmm, I didn't know that." Harry smiled softly. 

"Neither did I until Dr. Bindle was tired of dealing with me so he dumped me off at his office." Louis joked humorously, although it was partly true. Harry laughed. He sighed contently and glanced out the window. 

"Hm, looks like it might storm again." He commented noting the dark clouds gathering over in the distance. Louis stood up and walked over to the window. He placed his hands on the ledge and looked out the window. 

"Sure does." He said. "Looks like a wall cloud off in the distance. Maybe we'll get a tornado." Harry got up off the bed and walked over to the window. Louis moved over a little to give Harry some room. 

"Oh wow," Harry said looking at the dark wall cloud off in the distance. 

"I think clouds are just the coolest things ever." Louis said in admiration.  

"Why?" Harry asked. He glanced at Louis who was staring out the window with a fond little smile. He looked so intrigued by the clouds. His eyes were big and wide, reflecting his own reflection on the glass. The creases of his mouth were made noticeable from his small smile. 

"I don't know, they're just cool. And so pretty sometimes. I know that sounds weird, but still." 

"Don't tornados happen in the summer and not the fall?" Harry asked. 

"Well, its only the last week of September right? So I guess they can still happen." Louis shrugged. 

"Hopefully not." Harry said. "Tornados freak me out." 

"They're freaky, but they usually don't cause a lot of casualties. I mean, of course there's those few f5's of f4's that rip through towns and make national news, but tornadoes usually only rate as f3's or below." Louis explained. Harry peered at him curiously.

"How do you know that?" Louis turned a little stoic. 

"My dad was a meteorologist."

"Oh, that's interesting." Harry said flatly. 

"I guess." Louis continued to stare out the window. "Its raining over there." He then said pointing to the direction of the wall cloud. 

"How can you tell?" 

"You see how it kind of looks grayer under the cloud? Almost like fog?" 

"Kind of." Harry said squinting to see. 

"That's rain and if its moving this way then it should be raining here soon." Louis placed his hands on the ledge of the window. 

"Rain rain, go away. Come again another day." Harry sang making Louis smile. 

"Its raining, its the pouring, the old man is snoring." Louis sang. 

"He went to bed and he bumped his head and he couldn't get up in the morning." They both sang in unison before having a laughing fit. 

"Oh my gosh, I remember having to learn that on the recorder back in, like, the 3rd grade." Louis smiled, reminiscing. 

"Oh goodness, those are the most annoying things ever!" Harry exclaimed. Louis chuckled. He propped up his elbow on the ledge and placed his chin in his palm. 

"I know right? I can't stand the noise of them."

"You know what else is annoying?" 

"People?" Louis asked and Harry paused, chuckling. 

"Yes, but not all people. You aren't annoying." He said it so casually, but it made Louis's heart stop and start again. Louis glanced at Harry who was staring out the window. He had a beautiful profile. 

"Well you aren't annoying either." He turned back to the window. 

"Why thank you," Harry said teasingly and his tone made Louis laugh. "I was going to say teachers are annoying. My old music teacher was a real bitch. Her name was Mrs. Lemonn but kids called her Mrs. LemonHead." Louis snickered. 

"Why did people dislike her?" 

"She was mean." Harry stated. "And not very smart to be a teacher. She told us goodly wasn't a word. And we had a concert once based on old music icons and she had a slideshow that went along with it, but she spelt on of the musicians names wrong." 

"That's stupid. She seriously thought goodly wasn't a word?" Louis asked. 

"Yeah, she passed out this sheet music and said "Now we all know goodly isn't a word," and bla bla bla." 

"That ridiculous. At least she isn't an English teacher." A single rain drop fell against the window. "Rain!" He exclaimed making Harry jump at the sudden exclamation. But he laughed and smiled seeing Louis's eyes light up with what seemed to be excitement or something of the sort. His chin was no longer in his palm and he was standing up straight, watching the window for more signs of rain. There was the soft roar of thunder in the distance. "I wonder if we'll be able to see any lightning." 

"Lightning is pretty fun to watch." Harry commented. 

"Isn't it? It always used to scare me when I was littler though." Harry remembered back to the day when there was another storm and he went over to Louis's bed and Louis said how storms used to scare him. 

"The way things change are so drastic." Harry said leaning over the window ledge on his forearms. 

"Sadly." Louis mumbled. 

"But some changes are happy changes." Harry added turning his head to look at him. 

"Like?" Louis questioned. 

"Whatever happens after we get discharged. Everything changes after that and when that point comes its up to us to make it worth our while."


	13. Chapter 13

"106 pounds and 5 ounces." Louis let his head fall into his hands, feeling appalled with himself. 

4 weeks. He had been in the god forsaken hellhole for a full 4 weeks. A whole month. His progress was probably at about 2% and he had at be at 100% to be, at the least, eligible to be discharged. He still had 98% to power through. 

Something's had since changed, others stayed the same. Dr. Wentz wasn't as annoying as he once thought. He still hated Dr. Bindle. He was only forced one other time to speak with Dr. Fairchild, other than that he was stuck in Dr. Wentz's office talking about his dad, which he hadn't made any progress with whatsoever. At least that's how he felt. 

He didn't like the nurses. He could stand Nurse Damien. Nurse Deb and Ingrid still made him want to smack his head against a wall. He was still always the last one to finish eating at the table. He still didn't feel any better since the first day he got there. Especially because not only was his weight changing, but so was his body. Since he was now slowly gaining his weight back, his body was bulking up along with it. Not to mention he was so bloated he looked like a whale. He hated it. A lot. 

It absolutely disgusted him to look in the mirror. It was just repulsive. He looked so gross and fat! He felt like he was making the ground tremble and quake whenever he simply walked, that was partly the reason he was staying in his room as often as he could. He was just...sickened with himself. 

Another thing was changing, though. That change was whatever was happening between him and Harry. Whatever it was, Louis was absolutely head-over-heels for him and it was driving him mad. The last thing that had ever happened was when they held hands asleep and Louis actually wanted something else to happen. Harry made him feel so good about himself and he wanted to feel even better. 

Harry didn't look as thin as he did when Louis very first saw him. He actually had a little meat on him now, but he too had also dealt with a lot bloating. One day he broke down when he looked in the mirror to brush his teeth. Then it was Louis's turn to finally make Harry feel good about himself. All this time Harry made Louis feel good and confident, but he realized he never tried to make Harry feel good about himself because Harry was in the same exact position he was. Maybe he wasn't the best person to be giving advice on confidence considering his constant confidence level was at a mere 1 percent. But he tried. And whatever he said, it resulted in a hug. A tight hug. A lingering hug they had both didn't want to end. But it did. 

Harry was about just as head-over-heels for Louis as Louis was for him. He was going insane and this was only one month into the program. He still had multiple months to go being stuck in the same room as Louis. No, stuck was the wrong word. Blessed? He was blessed to be rooming with Louis. If they didn't room how would they have their frequent midnight talks? Or were their midnight talks just excuses to go into each others bed and fall asleep beside each other? Whatever the reason was, it was pure bliss to them. Everything with Harry was blissful. Harry was a blissful person. 

Two weeks ago his mother came for a visit with a bag full of books. Instead of staying in the small visiting room she actually came to their room and Harry introduced them. Needless to say, Louis saw where Harry's bright smile and charisma came from, but it got him wondering if his family would ever come to visit him. Only his sisters and mother though, not Dean. He couldn't stand Dean. He hated him with the passion of a thousand burning stars. If Dean ever showed up there he'd probably end up leaving seeing stars. 

He couldn't pinpoint one exact reason as to why he didn't like him, he just didn't. There's always that one person you just don't like and won't ever seem to like. Dean was Louis's. Plus, its not like Dean would have a reason to come along to visit him. He had so significance to him therefore he didn't have a reason to be there. 

But of course one day the inevitable happened.

Louis was sitting on top of his bed with his nose buried in a book. Harry's book. Relic. Just like Harry said, once Louis actually started the book he could not put it down. It was absolutely amazing. He was half way through it and had no intentions of closing it yet. Harry sat across the room from him on his own bed with his nose also buried in a different book. I've Got Your Number by Sophie Kinsella. 

Louis was so absorbed in his book, though, that he hadn't heard, or seen, Nurse Deb step through the door way.

"Louis," Louis looked up quickly. "Your family is here in the visiting room." She explained flatly. Louis stiffened as he sat up. He just nodded and closed his book. Nurse Deb left and Louis stood up. He had left his family on bad terms when he was admitted so he was little nervous to see them, let alone so randomly, not that they could've contacted him in anyway to let him know. Unless maybe if they wanted to send him a letter. 

"You look distraught." Harry noted out loud also looking up from his book. 

"Well, I'm nervous to see my family." He said walking over to the door. "I have no idea how it'll go." He paused in the doorway. 

"I'm sure it'll go great." Harry gave him an encouraging smile.

"Not if Dean came." Louis mumbled and stepped out into the hallway. He walked down the hallway to the little visitor room (which he didn't know existed until Patricia was late to lunch one day because she was in the visitor room with her parents). The room itself wasn't to large. It was a quaint little room filled with tables placed in various spots with numerous chairs. The windows were open letting in brilliant sunlight. A cabinet full of dusty old games, such as those in the dayroom, were available for use.

"Louis!" His sisters exclaimed happily when Louis walked into the room. They ran across the floor, dodging between tables and chairs, and surrounded him in a big group hug. Louis smiled contently, hugging them back. He hadn't realized how much he actually missed them, even if they could be a little irritating from time to time. 

"Hi," He greeted laughing and they all detached themselves from him. "How's it going?" He asked and hugged them each individually. His mother had stayed back at the table with Dean. Dean. He wanted to turn around walk out right then and there. 

"We miss you." Daisy said as Louis kneeled down on one knee and took her little hand in his. 

"I miss you guys too." He said with an apathetic smile and squeezed her hand before letting go.

"When are you leaving?" Lottie asked as he stood back up. 

"I am not sure but I promise I'll be out as soon as I can." He assured. He glanced back over at his mother and smiled. Then he glanced at Dean and glared at him. He walked back over to the table and his mother pulled him in for a hug. 

"Hi honey," She greeted hugging him tightly. 

"Hi mum," He greeted back hugging her as well. She pulled away and smiled at him. He glanced at Dean who stood behind Jay. Dean cleared his throat uneasily. He stuck his hand out for Louis to shake. 

"How are you doing?" He asked awkwardly. Louis just ignored him and glanced around the room to see who else was in it. No one. Dean brought his hand back, clearing his throat again, and Jay shot him a scolding look. They all sat down around the table. 

"Girls, why don't you go grab a game and play it at another table." The girls happily obliged and got up, leaving the table. The only problem was that Dean was the one who said it and that infuriated Louis. He opened his mouth to say something snarky, but Jay quickly spoke before him. 

"So Louis, how has it been here?" She asked and Louis scoffed. 

"Its a hospital, how do you think?" 

"Well, are the nurses and doctors nice?" She asked. 

"They all suck." He stated flatly and Jay just smiled wearily. She looked so tired. 

"Well, you've always loved people who try and tell you what to do." She joked and Louis just smiled thinly, unamused. "So, how are you?" She asked. It wasn't just a casual how are you? it was how are you really? 

"I'm alright." He said. "The food here sucks though."

"Who's your roommate? What's he like?" Louis smirked, his cheeks reddening. 

"He's nice." Louis managed to say. "His name is Harry and he's really tall." He added smiling. Jay smiled back.

"Well that's nice." She said. "You look a lot healthier." 

"Thanks." Louis replied flatly because that was really just a sugarcoated version of saying 'you've gained weight'. He glanced over at his sisters who were in the midst of a Sorry game then turned back to his mother and unpleasant guest. 

"So is there any progress thing to determine when you might be released?" Dean asked after clearing his throat. Louis was beginning to wonder if he had a throat problem. 

"Why do you care?" Dean just pursed his lips together. 

"Louis," Jay whispered fiercely. "Be respectful." She scolded. 

"Sorry," Louis muttered with insincerity, rolling his eyes. "No." He answered and Dean just nodded uncomfortably. Jay rolled her eyes, sighing. "So, what have I missed at home?" He then asked. 

"Well, we actually have a bit of news." She said and smiled at Dean happily. Louis furrowed his eyebrows together questionably. "I'm pregnant." She announced happily. Louis just stared back at her, his heart dropping.

"You got my mum pregnant?" He asked Dean sternly. Jay batted at his arm resting on the table and blushed. 

"Louis!" She exclaimed embarrassed. 

"Just stating what you're telling me." Louis said with a shrug. "Are you seriously pregnant?" He asked reluctantly. She nodded with a humble smile. "Wow." He diverted his attention to the table. Jay frowned a little. 

"What?" She asked sounding disappointed. 

"Nothing, I just didn't expect to hear you say you were pregnant." Truth was, he didn't know if he was happy or not about that. He'd either have another sister, or brother, or two sisters, or two brothers, or a brother and sister, or maybe his mother would have sextuplets. He didn't want another sibling. He'd leave this hellhole only to go home to another with a screaming baby. Plus he hated Dean and Dean was the father. "How many weeks?" 

"Roughly 8." She answered. "But if you'll excuse me for a moment, I have to use the bathroom." She excused herself politely. "Why don't you talk to Dean." She urged stepping away. "Kindly." She added before turning around and leaving the room. 

"Or I could stick my dick in food processor." He mumbled under his breath. He glanced at Dean awkwardly then looked back down at the table. 

"Look," Dean started and Louis let out an exaggerated groan while rolling his eyes. "I know you don't like me-" 

"I don't want to talk to you." He interrupted. 

"But for the sake of your sisters and your mother," Dean continued. "I think it would be best for the both of us to try and get along. Especially now for when you get released and come home." 

"Yeah, well, even after I get released I don't plan on running into you that often," Louis trailed off with a nonchalant shrug. 

"What about for the sake of your mother then?" Dean asked and Louis glared at him. 

"Don't use my mother against me." He said crossing his arms. 

"She really wants us to get along." 

"Well we all want things in life but we don't always get what we want. I didn't want to be forced into this hospital. I didn't want to go to your wedding. And I most certainly don't want to be sitting here talking to you." Louis replied bitterly and crossed his arms tightly. 

"Why don't you grow up for five seconds and stop acting like a stubborn toddler, yeah?" Dean shot back sternly and Louis grit his teeth. 

"I'm acting like a stubborn toddler?" He repeated in a low tone and Dean nodded. 

"Yes, and quite frankly it's getting on my nerves. There is no reason for us to be bickering or for you to be acting so disrespectful towards me. I get it you probably don't want to be here and that a lot of things are changing and have changed, but nothing's going to get better if you keep treating it with this cynical attitude of yours." Louis rolled his eyes. 

"You don't even fucking know me or what the hell I am going through so why don't you put away the father figure attitude and just cut the shit." 

"I don't care how much you dislike me, but the swearing and the sarcastic little cracks have got to stop. It's extremely disrespectful." 

"And I care so much about what you think." Louis shot back in a couldn't-care-less tone. 

"Look, it's not exactly cheap having you be in here, it's costing us a small fortune." Louis rolled his eyes at the word "us." There could be no "us" because Dean was insignificant to him. "So the least you could do is act with grace and maturity and put your petty feelings aside for the sake of everyone else."

"You don't know a single fucking thing so don't think you can just waltz in here and tell me what to do. And if it's costing you a fortune to have me here...well that's not my fault." His lips twitched up into a quick smirk before he pursed his lips together tightly in indignation. 

"Oh, so what? We should've just kept you home and tried to make you eat there? You have a mental disorder, a mental illness. I don't give a shit if you didn't want to put in here, but if anyone is to blame it's yourself."

"And you can blame yourself for having the obligation to pay for this." Louis fired back. "If it's so much of a small fortune then pull me out if you'd like."

"You know that's not happening."

"Then don't bitch about it costing a small fortune." Louis snapped angrily. "And if you only said that because you thought it'd make me more appreciative, well then that's not my fault either." 

"But it's your fault for how you decide to act so if you want to keep acting like a stubborn child then be my guest." Dean grit his teeth. "But the point is that sometime in a few months from now you will be coming home and this discord between us is not something that I want brought into the house." Louis just rolled his eyes. "I have tried repeatedly to talk to you, and get to know you, and to understand what it is you hold against me. What is it? Why do you dislike me so much? Did I do something to make you resent so much you can't even show me so much as an ounce of respect? Or at least try and act civil with me?" He then asked sternly.

"That's a big question and we don't have that much time." Louis answered. 

"Why do you resent me?" He asked again.

"Why do you care?" Louis retorted. 

"Well you're my step son technically-" 

"Whoa, hold up, I am not your step son and you are not my step dad." Louis told him furiously, sitting up straight in his chair. 

"Okay, but what I'm trying to say is-"

"I don't care what you're trying to say." Louis interrupted indignantly. "Just because you married my mum doesn't mean you have to be a part of my life and I have to be a part of yours. You have absolutely no significance to me or my life. I hate you, I don't even know why you are here, you have no need to be here!" He shouted bitterly. 

"Louis!" Jay exclaimed rushing over to the table. 

"What!" He rose up to his feet. 

"You have no right to speak to him like that!" She shrilled. "Apologize!" She demanded. Louis scoffed. 

"No!" 

"You were disrespectful and downright rude, apologize immediately." She said sternly. 

"Its okay, Jay." Dean spoke standing up. 

"It is not okay. Louis, now."

"You can't tell me what to do. I'm an adult." Louis fought. 

"And I'm your mother telling you to apologize." Her eyes were practically red with fire, you could almost see the steam rolling out of her ears. 

"And if I don't?" Louis asked. "Its not like you can send me to my room or anything." He said crossing his arms. 

"I really don't like your attitude." Jay said sternly. 

"And I really don't like being stuck in his God forsaken building."

"Well maybe if your attitude improved it wouldn't seem so bad." Dean suggested with a little shrug and Louis was ready to spit fire.

"Shut the fuck up." He snapped. 

"Louis!" Jay exclaimed shocked. 

"He's being a bastard!" Louis exclaimed then turned to him. "You can leave." He spit. "And you all can just leave because I am leaving. It was so great to see you." Louis said sarcastically and stepped away from table. His sisters sat shocked at their table. They most certainly weren't going to be finishing their game of Sorry. 

"Are you never coming home now?" Phoebe asked grabbing his wrist when he walked by. Louis stopped, his heart dropping. 

"Of course I'll be coming home." Louis whispered. "I just have a lot of stuff I need to clear up before I can." He bent down and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. He stood up stiffly and briskly walked away. It probably wasn't the best decision just to leave things like that under the circumstances, but he was about ready to burst into tears and he most certainly wasn't going to do that in front of his mother and sisters.

He hurried back to his room, closing the door before wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Harry looked up from his book and cast a questionable look towards Louis. 

"That was quick, was everything alright?" He asked. He picked up his bookmark and placed it between the pages, closing the book. He sat up.

"No, no, it was awful." Louis mumbled sadly. He walked across the room and dropped down on Harry's bed. 

"What happened?" 

"Dean was there, and my mum said she was pregnant, and he called me his step son, and it was just disastrous." Louis said shaking his head. 

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad." Harry tried to sound encouraging, but his tone fell on deaf ears. 

"Oh, it was." Louis nodded. "My little sister asked if I was never coming home." Harry's eyes widened. 

"Ouch." He said. "How old is she?" 

"Seven." He felt so bad. 

"Don't worry." There was a quiet pause. "It might seem bad now, but in the long run everything is going to be fine." 

"How are you supposed to know everything will be fine?" Louis asked. 

"Because in the end everything is." Harry said with a smile. 

"What if it isn't?" 

"Then it isn't the end." He looked at him with a quizzical smirk. 

"Isn't that a quote or something?" Louis asked. 

"Pfft," Harry scoffed, rolling his eyes. "I don't know, maybe?" He laughed. "Well if it is or if it isn't, it doesn't change the truth of the fact." 

"And that fact is?" 

"That in the end everything will be alright." Harry said. "They have a phone right beside the front office, you could probably call your mum tomorrow once everyone has kind of cooled down. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day." 

"Thanks." Louis took a deep breath. 

"For what?" He paused. 

"For. . .making me feel better?" 

"You're welcome." Harry smiled and Louis smiled shyly. "So, on a lighter note, how do you like Relic so far?" 

"Oh my goodness, it's so good. I was a little apprehensive starting it, but now it's just so good. I'm so glad you recommended it or else I probably wouldn't of ever read it and that would be a travesty." Louis raved making Harry smile wider.

"I'm so glad you like it!" He exclaimed joyfully. "The ending is absolutely amazing also. Its just. . .it was even harder for me to put it down then."

"I'm gonna be sad once it ends." Louis pressed his lips together then they laughed. 

"You can always read it a second time." Harry joked. Louis laughed. He crossed his legs, resituating himself atop the bed.

"Or a third like you." He teased.

"Hey, the more the merrier." 

"Pretty sure that's my mums philosophy on children." Louis said. "There's me, four younger sisters, plus another one on the way apparently." 

"Ooh, busy busy." Harry joked and they laughed. 

"Busy as a bee." 

"Birds and bees, whatcha gonna do." 

"You're weird." Louis snickered. Harry just smiled proudly. 

"We're both weird."

-

It was 1 a.m. and Louis couldn't sleep. He was just constantly tossing and turning. He felt so guilty about how he acted towards his mum and Dean. He should've been more rational, but if there's one thing about Louis anybody must know it's that he is the most irrational person ever. 

So, he threw his blanket off himself and made his way up to the roof, which he hadn't gone up to in quite awhile. It was colder then usual due to fall slowly transitioning to winter, but the stars were still as bright as ever. Maybe even brighter. He walked across to the ledge and leaned against it. He propped up on his elbow and placed his chin in his palm. He looked up at the stars, admiring them. 

One of the things that he loved about the stars was that they were never ugly. They were always bright and they were always beautiful. Plus there was always something to look at. Always. 

He heard the soft creak of the door open and groaned because it seemed that whenever he went up there someone else always came up as well. He rolled his eyes, planning on ignoring whoever just stepped outside, and looked back up at the stars. Then Harry stepped beside him a moment later. 

"You're up late." Was all he said. Louis shrugged his shoulders. 

"Couldn't sleep."

"I could hear." 

"Was I keeping you up?" Louis asked glancing at him. 

"No, I have troubles sleeping sometimes plus I'm a light sleeper." Harry explained quietly. "That's not exactly a good convergence of circumstances." He joked and Louis smiled. "So, what was keeping you up?" 

"Guilt. I feel so bad about how my family visiting today went." He swallowed thickly and looked up at the stars. 

"I'm sure they're over it by now. Its not like they're going to hold a grudge against you or anything."

"I know, but still." 

"Well, let's not focus on the negativity of the past, but the beauty of the present. These stars are so beautiful." Harry smiled as he turned his head to look up at the stars. 

"Yeah," Louis said breathlessly. "They're beautiful, aren't they?" Harry didn't say anything at first and it was quiet between them. It was so quiet they could hear each other breathing. 

"I can think of two more stars that are so beautiful God had to put them somewhere else so they didn't over shine all the others." Harry broke the silence. For some reason Louis's stomach twisted into a knot and his chest tightened like whatever Harry was about to say would be bad or cause discord. 

"Oh? And where'd he put them?" He asked meekly. 

"In your eyes." Harry turned to him bravely. Louis noticed and glanced up at Harry, biting the inside of his cheek. 

"What?" He asked softly. His stomach twisted tighter together as he looked up at Harry with a timid expression, like what was happening couldn't possibly be happening now. So random and out of the blue. 

"I think you have the most breathtaking eyes and you have such a lively laugh and a gorgeous smile and you're just such a beautiful person." Louis was speechless. He felt like he had swallowed cotton that got stuck in his throat and his ability was speak was now dulled because he was so surprised and taken off guard by Harrys confession. Did this mean Harry liked him? The hornets in his stomach were back and his heart was pounding in his ears making him feel lightheaded. 

"I-I-I don't know what to say." His voice was barely above a whisper. 

"Maybe nothing has to be said." Louis was about to keel over until Harry quickly leaned down and pressed his lips to his.


	14. Chapter 14

Harry's hand slowly wrapped around Louis's waist, which was really a good thing because he was literally ready to fall over. Harry kissed him. Was kissing him in the present tense. He was so stunned he didn't even know how to initially react. He never in a million years thought Harry would ever have the slightest feelings for him, let alone actually want to kiss him. He was so him, so. . .gross. And Harry was so Harry, so. . .remarkable. 

Now Louis had two options, keeling over unconscious and ruining the blissful moment or kissing him back. So, he did something he hadn't done in months and keeled over. Its not like he could've controlled it, the sun was exploding. 

Harry froze then turned bright red, utterly embarrassed. His embarrassment wasn't the main priority, though. The main priority was to attend to an unconscious Louis lying on the ground at his feet. Harry quickly descended to the concrete beside Louis, praying that he didn't hit his head or was bleeding in any way, shape, or form. 

"Louis," Harry grabbed him by the shoulders and sat him up limply. "Wake up, please." He said raising his voice slightly. He gently patted his cheeks and shook his shoulders lightly. He didn't want to shake him too hard and end up actually hurting him. He was too fragile. 

Louis began to stir a little and Harry sighed in relief. "Louis," He whispered. Louis rubbed his eyes with the back his hand then looked up at Harry in confusion.

"Oh my goodness," He gasped. "Did I pass out?" Louis gawked up at him before closing his eyes and groaning. "Oh my God." He expressed dreadfully. 

"Are you alright?" Harry asked. He let go of his shoulders and Louis sat up himself. 

"I'm fine, just a little dizzy." 

"Keep your head down." Harry instructed and Louis obeyed, turning his head down which was probably a good thing. He didn't want Harry to see how hard he was blushing. 

"I'm sorry," He apologized staring down at the concrete. Harry smiled.

"Its fine." He sat down in front of him and crossed his legs, gazing at Louis. His embarrassment was still evident and Harry found it so endearing. 

"No, its not. I don't even know why I passed out!" He exclaimed actually feeling a little distressed. He took a deep breath and sighed. "I guess I was just so stunned." He mumbled.  

"Why?" Harry asked him curiously. How could Louis be so stunned? It wasn't that surprising was it?

"I don't know," Louis shrugged his shoulders. "What you said and when you kissed me, it seemed to good to be true." He said still in disbelief, but it made Harry smile. Too good to be true would be if Louis were to kiss him again. 

"To good to be true?" He repeated in question. 

"Well, you like me?" Louis asked meekly and looked at him sheepishly. Harry nodded. His stomach was churning, but in the good way and Louis looked so cute with his little pink cheeks and bashful expression. "Why?" 

"I don't know," Harry shrugged and Louis forced a small laugh. "You're really funny, and nice, and I just really enjoy talking to you. I love your smile and I think you're just so sweet." Both of them blushed even harder, but how could Harry like those things about him when they weren't even true? "And I just find myself wishing we would've met outside of here so I could ask you out on a proper date or something." Louis looked down shyly and pulled his knees in closely. 

"I feel the same way." He admitted shyly. They both looked up at each other, kind of solemnly. So the truth had come out, but what happened next? "So, what are we supposed to do now?" He asked then swallowed thickly. He still had a lump in his throat that seemed to only grow bigger each time he swallowed. 

"Redo the last five minutes of our lives?" Harry asked cheekily. Louis smiled. Harry reached out and took Louis's chin under his finger. He leaned over, closing his eyes, and kissed him. Louis almost fell over again, but he didn't this time, thankfully. It was such a soft, sweet kiss. It made Louis feel like he could stand taller. 

Harry reached up and cupped his cheeks in his hands. Louis let go of his knees, reaching out to rest his hands on Harry's shoulders softly. For a brief moment when they both parted their lips to take a breath their tongues touched and it felt like electricity pulsed up his spine. They both pulled away and smiled giddily at each other. 

"You make me feel so happy." Louis blurted out when he didn't even mean too. Not a lot of things made him happy and he was afraid that Harry was going to feel some obligation to make him happy now that he had straight out told him that he made him happy. 

What if Harry did feel some sort of obligation? A lot of the time Louis spent moping around and whining about the hospital or his body and each time Harry was there to make him feel at least somewhat better. Of course, he couldn't save him from his thoughts he kept locked away, but that's because he kept the key. Why did happiness have to be such an arduous topic? He was probably just overthinking everything like he usually did.

"I like seeing you happy." Harry replied and Louis just smiled. He reached out and wrapped his arms around Harry's neck, pulling him in for a hug. This hug felt so different from their past two. It felt so much more...gratified. They pulled apart slowly and Louis sighed contently. His day had been so tense and guilty, but his night had been a blissful surprise. Louis glanced up at the sky. 

"I love the stars." 

"I kind of figured that out." Harry teased and they both laughed together. Louis resituated himself and stretched out on his back to gaze up at the sky with more accessibility. Harry laid down and stretched out beside him. 

"So, what happens next?" Louis asked biting his lip. 

"I don't know, wait until we both get discharged?" Harry responded questionably. 

"But I'll probably end up getting discharged months after you've been." Louis said lackadaisically. One of his happiest moment in months was also one of his most disheartening. 

"I can wait."

"Its not that simple though-"

"The future withholds the uncertain and the only way to deal with that is to take life day by day." Harry interrupted. 

"But what if you get discharged and while I'm still in here you meet someone else or something?" Louis was getting way ahead of himself, he knew that, but it was a question he just had to get off his chest. But what even were they now? All they had done was confess that they both liked each other and shared a kiss. Was it too soon to be talking about after they left the EDU? Louis's nerves rose higher and higher. 

"Trust me, once I get discharged I'll probably be spending most of my time at home. Plus, why would I try and find someone else when I know that when you get discharged I can take you on a date?" Harry spoke with such simplicity, like there shouldn't be any questions and that everything was certain and that it was not too soon to be talking about what would and could possibly happen once they both left. Once they were both released then they'd be in a real relationship, but how will this little affair affect how they act with each other in the EDU? 

Would they act exactly how they did before hand, or would they sneak little exchanges behind scenes? What if throughout the course of going through the treatment program they realize it was just a silly little crush and both move on before either of them are released? What if Harry is released then when Louis is released they never meet up again? How are they supposed to contact each other once they're both released? What if Harry really does meet someone else more interesting before Louis is released? This was a huge game of what-if and in every scenario Louis was losing. "Louis," Harry's voice startled Louis from his game of what-if and he glanced at him. "I can hear you thinking. Don't worry, everything will be alright."

"But what if it isn't?" Louis asked. 

"What if the sun explodes? You can think about it all day, but it's never going to happen." 

"How can you be as certain as you are that nothing bad is going to happen? Or. . .I'm not saying something bad has to happen, but just something happening?" 

"What could happen?" Harry asked glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. Louis didn't notice and continued to stare up at the dark sky.

"Everything." He answered. "Everything could happen." 

"And what's everything?" 

"Just. . .everything." He stated. "Everything as in not being able to, like, find each other once we're both discharged. The possibility of this not working out, in here, then things being totally awkward. I could get switched to a different hospital-"

"Whoa, wait, what?" Harry interrupted sitting up. He looked down at Louis bewildered and Louis just looked back up sheepishly. "They're transferring you to a different hospital?" He asked worrisome.

"No." Louis answered and Harry relaxed a little, but not a lot. "But they've made the threat a couple times if I don't start cooperating. But, I mean, that was during my, like, first week here." He added.

"Good, I don't want you getting transferred." Harry said softly.

"I don't want to be transferred either. Don't worry, the possibility of that happening is, like, 5% now." Louis assured. Harry exhaled and rolled back down on his back. 

"Well, good." There was a certain humor behind his tone and he smiled a little at the sky. Louis turned his head and looked at him. Harry did the same and looked at Louis. "C'mere," He coaxed. The bees were starting to act up again now as Louis scooted a few inches over to Harry. Harry stretched out his arm and wrapped it gently around Louis who curled into his side cozily and rested his head against Harry's shoulder. 

"This would be better if we weren't on the roof of a hospital and it were warmer out." He joked lightly and Harry laughed merrily. 

"I feel warm when I'm around you." He whispered softly. Louis's face almost split in two. He just felt so content and so. . .alive. It was so weird.

"You're a dork." He said turning his face into Harry's chest, inhaling the scent from his shirt. It was stale, but it smelled exactly like his Packers blanket and Louis liked that. He turned his head back, pressing his cheek against Harry's chest. 

"I'm a huge dork." Harry admitted with a goofy grin. 

"Admittance is the first step." Louis said softly with a solemn expression. 

"Have you admitted it?" 

"I admitted it before my first pound was lost." 

-

Louis awoke shivering because the air was just so cold, but why was is it so cold inside? He and Harry had gone back inside right? 

When Louis woke up it was far to bright to be sleeping inside a room. He opened his eyes briefly before closing them again exhaustedly and stretched his back. Then he froze and sat up quickly. He was still outside with Harry, on the roof. And the sun was rising. They hadn't gone back down when they should've. How are they supposed to get back in without being caught now? 

"Harry," Louis nudged Harry, who was asleep beside him. "Harry!" Louis shouted when he didn't budge. 

"What!" Harry jumped awake startled. 

"We fell asleep up here. We have to get back downstairs, what time is it? The kitchen won't be empty, what the hell are we supposed to do?" Louis asked beginning to panic. 

"Don't worry," Harry said in a failed attempt to calm him. "The sun has just begun to rise so it must still be pretty early." That reassured Louis a little bit, but not a lot. He climbed to his feet and rubbed his hands together to create a little friction. The air was still frigid. 

"Well c'mon! Let's hurry." Louis rushed him hurrying over to the metal door. Harry smiled in amusement and slowly got up, walking over to Louis who was already feeling impatient with Harry's slowness. 

"What do you thinks gonna happen if we get caught?" He asked reaching for the door knob. He twisted it, pulled it open, and stepped into the stairwell. 

"I don't know, we could probably get in big trouble for sneaking around outside the EDU." Louis said taking two steps at a time down the stairs. 

"And what do you think our punishment would be?" Harry asked amused by the fact that Louis was so concerned about getting in trouble. It seemed completely out of character, or maybe it was exactly in character. 

"I don't know, and I don't want to find out." Louis slowed down and paused outside the door that led into the kitchen. 

"Well?" Harry asked. 

"Well what?" Louis shot back nervously. 

"We can either take a chance and go through this door where no one will see us enter and only reprimand us if they find us in the kitchen, thinking we entered from the dayroom, or we can take a chance and go through this door where someone will catch us and question us about why we entered from the stairwell." Louis groaned. This was a disaster. No matter which option they choose their chances of getting out alive were very slim. It would be an absolute miracle if they could get back into their room without being caught. 

"What if we go down one more floor walk to the opposite side, go up one floor again, and sneak through the entrance?" Louis suggested. 

"Would we be able to pull that off?" Harry questioned. 

"I don't know, possibly. We'll. . .we'll sneak in when the secretary steps away from the office or something." Louis said. "If it ends up being awhile before she steps away we'll just go back and sneak in through the kitchen."

"We don't even know what time it is."

"Then we'll find out if we go one floor down." 

"Fine." They both passed the door and went down one more flight to the next door. 

"Wait." Louis paused outside the door. "We don't even know where this leads, we could get in even more trouble." 

"Well we're just going to have to take a leap of faith." Louis sighed uneasily. 

"That sounds really indefinite." 

"All you have to do is have faith the size of a mustard seed, then you can move mountains." Harry said with a smile. 

"We're not talking about moving mountains, we're talking about sneaking back into the EDU without getting caught or we could get in serious trouble." Louis retorted sternly. 

"And there's a mountain blocking our path." 

"Stop being so damn optimistic." Louis snapped reaching out for the door knob. He pulled the door open slowly and saw that they were at the end of a hallway. They were safe. "It's just a hallway, c'mon." Louis slipped through the crack of the door. Harry followed suit and closed the door quietly. "We need to find a clock." Louis said hurrying down the hallway. They came to an intersection and stopped. 

"There's a clock right there, its 7:10." Harry pointed to a wall of the adjacent hallway. "And there's a map of the hospital right here." Harry walked over to the same hallway and Louis followed. The hallways were mostly empty due to the early time, but a few random nurses wandered through here and there and Louis tried not to look so guilty that it'd raise any suspicion. 

He stuffed his hands in his pockets to hide his hospital band. "Main stairs should be just down this hallway and to the left. C'mon." Harry turned and started walking down the hallway and Louis followed like a lost puppy. They turned at the end of the hallway and came upon the stairs. 

Louis's heart was pounding, he couldn't understand how Harry was so calm and mellow about this. He just walked so casually up the stairs whereas Louis was a basket case. He was almost too afraid to follow Harry, he should just take this opportunity now to run away and move to America or Paris. "Louis, are you coming?" Harry asked. Louis hadn't even realized he stopped walking. 

"Oh yeah," He jumped up the stairs, catching up to Harry. The main office outside the EDU came into view and Louis and Harry both hugged the wall in fear of being seen by the secretary typing away at her computer. 

"What if she never steps away?" Louis whispered even though he had no need to.

"She will. Just wait." Harry responded. 

"Elaine, will you give me a hand with the printer?" A voice asked. The lady at the desk turned over her shoulder and nodded, standing up. 

"Are you psychic or something?" Louis asked. 

"I wish." Harry took a few steps forward and Louis followed after. They passed the office to the glass doors that led to the EDU. 

"Can I help you?" Louis was about to jump and plead guilty, but he mustered up what little courage he could find and persevered. 

"Is there a phone I could use?" He asked coolly. Elaine, the secretary, looked at them quizzically. 

"Are you patients in this unit? If so, you are not allowed to go passed these doors. And why are you up and out here so early? Its 7:15." She said suspiciously.

"Pardon me, I didn't know. Yesterday my family had come to visit me and there was a little quarrel. Due to my guilty conscience I was troubled to fall asleep last night so I was wondering if there was a phone I had access to to call them and sort out the spat." Louis lied through his teeth, leaning against the ledge. 

"There is phone you are able to use, just not at this hour. Why are you out here?" Elaine then asked directing her gaze to a sheepish Harry. 

"I just. . .well. . .I don't know, I was awake and bored?" His brain vapor locked. 

"Okay," Elaine shook her head slightly, unable to comprehend the whole situation. "Well, there is a phone patients are able to use from 9 to 5, it is not out here it's in the unit, you are not permitted to be out here." She reprimanded strictly. 

"Fine then, sorry for making a mistake." Louis said sarcastically. He turned with Harry and walked through the doors, back into the familiar hallway once again. It was empty and Louis used that to his advantage and hurried to their room. Who's to say how long it'd be empty for? Harry strode in after him. "Oh my gosh, we did it!" Louis exclaimed gleefully. They actually made it back to the room. Only barely getting caught. Barely. 

"Told you." Harry teased smugly. Louis gave him a patronizing look then rolled his eyes. 

"You were apprehensive about it all too." He said crossing his arms. 

"I had more optimism then you did." Harry retorted crossing his arms in mockery of Louis. "The point is optimism is key." 

"The key to what?" The blood in Louis's face drained at the sound of Dr. Wentz's voice from the doorway. Harry paled as well. "If you'd two come with me." He stepped back into the hallway. Louis didn't know if he could move without passing out. Dr. Wentz raised his hand and waved them over. Louis glared at Harry as they both walked over to the door. They both followed him down the hallway begrudgingly. They went into his office, sat down, then the fun began. 

"New flowers?" Louis asked gazing at the potted plant on the bookshelf against the adjacent wall. 

"Yep," Dr. Wentz said with a thin smile as he took his seat behind the desk. "So," He started. "This morning-"

"It still is morning." Louis interrupted. Harry pressed his lips together to suppress his smile. 

"Around an hour ago," Dr. Wentz corrected firmly. "When I came to work one of the nurses came to me and said that when she was doing a room check, one of the rooms was empty." He explained and Louis crossed his arms. "And after searching through the whole unit here we were just baffled as to where Louis and Harry could've possibly gone. So we turned to the security footage and found some pretty interesting footage that showed you, Louis, at 1 a.m., getting out of bed and walking through the dayroom, into the kitchen, and into the stairwell. Then a few minutes later Harry followed suit. Now we don't have security cameras in the back stairwells and we don't have direct access to security footage of the whole hospital so I want you to tell me right now where you two went and why you just got back into your room." Harry was practically sweating. Louis, on the other hand, was completely cool. It was like they had switched roles. 

"You want to know where we were?" Louis asked redundantly. 

"I don't want to know, I need to know. Now. Or you two are going to be in some serious trouble." Harry swallowed thickly. 

"We went up to the roof of the building." Louis answered. 

"I don't believe you." Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Oh really? Because we did. Sometimes its hard to clear your head when you're stuck in a stuffy room. So I found my way up to the roof where I actually had fresh air, something I don't have in here. And I was able to clear my head," and do much more "and the cold air felt nice, and I liked watching the stars. We didn't do anything wrong-"

"In case you were unaware, you are not allowed to leave your room after 10, let alone go all the way up to the roof. That is prohibited and absolutely unacceptable. Not to mention you never returned until five minutes ago-"

"We accidentally fell asleep." Louis said rolling his eyes. 

"The fact is you broke the rules by leaving your room in the middle of the night, left the unit, snuck around the hospital, and even fell asleep up there-"

"So?" 

"So, its against the rules. You two broke the protocol and we are liable if anything ever happens to a patient. Do you realize the trouble you're putting yourself in?" 

"Look," Louis said. "We didn't do it to break the rules. We never left the grounds of the building, actually went off to other parts of the hospital, or broke any other rules other then that of leaving our room after hours and leaving the unit. Haven't you ever seen in movies where people can't sleep because they have too much on their mind so they go outside? I just needed a place to clear my head because I was feeling guilty about the fight I had with my family when they visited yesterday." 

"Why were you up there?" Dr. Wentz asked Harry. 

"I asked him to come up with me because I liked having someone to talk to. He said no at first but then changed his mind. That's why in the security footage you see him walking around after me." Harry was amazed at how much of a quick thinker Louis was. It was astounding. Dr. Wentz just nodded. "So if you're gonna punish us or something then go right ahead. I love being punished for doing something that makes me feel better." Dr. Wentz pursed his lips together and sighed. 

"You guys aren't in trouble this time." He said. "But you two are never to leave your room and go up to the roof or anywhere else again. Are we clear?" He asked sternly.

"Yes." Louis and Harry said in unison. 

"I mean it. If it happens again you will have the door to your room locked at night so you won't be able to leave until its unlocked in the morning."

"Oh, heaven forbid." Louis rolled his eyes. 

"I'm serious."

"Okay." He mumbled. 

"Now," Dr. Wentz said. "Moving onto other matters, as I said, at seven o'clock a nurse goes by and checks all the patients rooms to make sure no one is missing, like this morning for example." Louis and Harry glanced at each other unsure of where this was going. "And it has been reported multiple times that you two have been asleep in the same bed, together." They both flushed warm. 

"And?" Louis asked in annoyance.

"Care to explain why you two can't sleep in your own separate beds?"


	15. Chapter 15

"Is there a rule that says we can't?" Louis's reply was quick and his tone was annoyed. Were the nurses seriously bothered so much to the point where they felt the need to report that Louis and Harry had sometimes been asleep in the same bed?

"Well, no, I don't think so, but its not exactly customary and-"

"Ever heard of insomnia?" Louis interrupted. Dr. Wentz cleared his throat, adjusting his tie to loosen it slightly. 

"No, I haven't." He said sarcastically and Louis smirked. 

"Sometimes we both can't sleep in the middle of the night so instead of, like, yelling at each other across the room, sometimes one of us gets up and go sits in the other bed just to talk. And sometimes when the conversation grows weary we end up falling asleep before the other can return to their own bed. So its not like we actually get in bed together or anything." Louis said. 

"Okay, well, try and stay in your own beds from now on. Got it?" Dr. Wentz asked.

"Yes." Harry said at the same time as Louis said, "No." They both glanced at each other. 

"Is there something you don't understand?" Dr. Wentz asked him stiffly. 

"Nope," Louis pursed his lips together. 

"Okay then." He said tiredly. "Just remember what I said, you two can go." Louis and Harry both stood up and left the office promptly. 

"Okay, what the hell was that?" Harry asked following Louis back into their room. 

"What?" Louis asked innocently. 

"Weren't you the one all the terrified about getting caught and getting in trouble?" He asked standing in the open space between the beds. 

"Weren't you the chill one? I could see you sweating bullets." Louis teased and Harry blushed. 

"Whatever, all I know is I didn't expect that to happen. Are you always so sarcastic and just not-caring?" He asked. 

"When I talk to people I don't like." Louis said and Harry smiled. 

"And how are you when you're talking to people you do like?" Harry asked teasingly. Louis just smiled mischievously and sauntered away to the bathroom. 

"You tell me!" He sing songed merrily. Like a happy puppy, Harry followed after him and leaned against the bathroom doorframe. "What time is it now?" Harry glanced at the clock before turning back to Louis. 

"7:30." He answered. 

"Thirty minutes until my favorite meal." He said sarcastically. 

"Oh, tell me something I don't know." Harry joked. Louis laughed softly. 

"Well, I have to use the bathroom and you can't be in here then. Did you know that?" Harry just grinned at him. 

"Sad, but true." He joked backtracking into the room. Louis just smiled innocently and closed the bathroom door. So he went to the bathroom, then after that he changed into some regular clothes, as had Harry, then it was just about time for breakfast. As usual Louis grimaced and gagged at the plate and was the very last one to finish, but it wasn't all bad because Harry sat with him even when he was done and kept Louis company. It was a sweet gesture. 

After he actually finished, instead of actually going back to their room, they sat on the couch with Patricia and watched the television until it was time for group therapy. He still thought the whole group therapy was pointless. It didn't seem to be helping at all. Hey, let's all talk about what makes us insecure then do nothing after that. How helpful. They didn't have a journal assignment that day (thank the lord), but as usual, it was Wednesday and every Wednesday after group therapy Louis got the honored privilege of having his own one-on-one therapy session with Dr. Wentz. Gag. 

Louis entered the office and took his usual seat in the chair in front of the desk. It was like a second home now almost. A home he didn't want to be living in. 

"So," Dr. Wentz started.

"Is there a phone I can use to call my mum?" Louis asked perched on the edge of the chair. 

"There is." Dr. Wentz nodded. 

"Can I use it?" Louis asked impatiently. 

"No." Dr. Wentz stated firmly. Louis looked at him questionably. 

"And why not?" He crossed his arms tightly. If there's a phone he has the freedom to use then Dr. Wentz should not be denying him that freedom.

"After this morning's little incident-"

"Oh, so since we didn't get in trouble for "breaking the protocol" you're not letting me call my family?" He interrupted. 

"I don't think you realize how serious what you did was." Dr. Wentz responded curtly.

"Okay, well, Macy, Morgan, Jay Lynn, and Liz have also gone up to the roof of this building before." Yes, Louis was going to be a tattletale. "So I better not be the only one getting reprimanded for this then." He added.

"Okay, I will talk to them later then." Dr. Wentz said. If there was one thing that really drained the life out of him it was dealing with Louis. 

"Are you seriously not going to let me use the phone just because of that?" 

"You can use the phone later-"

"Can I just use it now to get it over with?" He interrupted again. Dr. Wentz inhaled slowly, counting to ten, then exhaled slowly. 

"Fine, you may use the phone. You can use the one in here." He picked up the telephone sitting in the corner of his desk and placed it as far as its wire would let him in front of Louis. 

"Is there a phone I could use in what little privacy I'm allowed?"

"No, you can use this phone now or not at all. Your choice." Louis groan exaggeratedly, rolling his eyes, and reached out for the phone. He dialed their house number and held the phone to his ear. He sighed, glancing at Dr. Wentz because he would've preferred talking in a room alone, but of course he doesn't get a single thing he wants. He remembered his mum always telling him how the only thing he actually needs in life is food, water, and family. Everything else were just things he wanted.

Dr. Wentz had pulled out some thin stack of papers and started reading through them, occasionally scratching down something with his pen.

"Hello?" His mother answered after the third ring. 

"Hi, mum." He greeted solemnly. 

"Oh, hi Louis!" She greeted cheerfully much to Louis's somber tone. "How are you doing?" Louis wasn't sure why she sounded so happy, he was sure she was going to be pissed at him or something. 

"I'm alright." He said. "So, um, I just called so I could apologize about yesterday for the things I said and how I acted." He continued sincerely. 

"That's alright." Jay said kindly. "I understand things have been pretty tough lately and some unlikely things have happened so I am also sorry." She added. "I know the wedding was also hard on you, I should've talked to you more about that." 

"Yeah, well, sometimes I'm not so good with talking." Louis said humorously. "Even with that, I shouldn't of said what I had." He inhaled slowly. "Can you put Dean on?" He asked reluctantly. He could practically hear his mother smile. 

"I can. Just a moment." She said giddily. Louis glanced at Dr. Wentz who had a smug little smile on his lips, but was still going through some papers. He rolled his eyes, silently hoping Dean wouldn't be home for some reason so he wouldn't have to actually talk to him. Who would voluntarily want to talk to Dean? There was rustle of noise on the other end of the line and a heavy breath. 

"Hello?" Shoot. 

"I'm sorry for what I said and how I acted towards you yesterday." He apologized reluctantly then sighed again. "I know I haven't been the kindest towards you since we first met but I just have an irrational way of dealing with things so I'm sorry." 

"I accept your apology." Dean said smiling on the other end. Louis was glaring at the floor. "I do hope one day we'll be able to have a good relationship-"

"Don't push it." Louis interrupted by force of habit. A habit of being irrational and sarcastic. "I mean, no I didn't mean that, I just. . .yeah, yeah." Louis mumbled exhaling softly. "Okay, so I got a lot of work to do." He said with a shrug and Dean chuckled. 

"Don't we all." He joked.

"Yeah, well, can you put my mum back on?" He asked. "Please?" 

"Of course." There was another rustle of movement before his mother was saying something again. 

"I'm proud of you for doing that." 

"Yeah, well, we all have to do things we don't like." Louis joked lightly. 

"Oh, c'mon now. It wasn't that bad." Jay said laughing. 

"Ask me that once I'm out of here." Louis replied sarcastically. 

"Oh, don't be so cynical." She chuckled. 

"You know me so well." Louis said smiling. "Well, I better go. If I go over my allotted phone time they lock me in my cell and feed me through a tiny window." Dr. Wentz's head snapped up and Louis laughed. 

"Aren't you just a jokester." Jay said giggling. 

"Bye mum," 

"Bye Lou, I love you." 

"I love you too." It was quiet for a moment before there was a click and Louis reached over, hanging up the phone. He sat back on his chair and crossed his arms. Dr. Wentz finished writing something down on the paper in his hand then closed the folder. He folded his hands together and looked up at Louis. 

"So, who's Dean?" He asked and Louis automatically rolled his eyes. 

"Is that any of your business?" Dr. Wentz didn't falter. "My mums stupid step-husband." 

"Sounds like you don't like him." Dr. Wentz said with a smug little smile and Louis scoffed. 

"Please, that's an understatement." 

"Why?" He asked. "Why don't you like him?" 

"He's annoying." 

"How?" 

"He just is. He thinks he's funny when he's not. He tries way to hard to act like all buddy buddy. I just don't like him." He stated and didn't feel like he had a need to justify that. 

"Don't you think that's a little tough on him?" Dr. Wentz asked and Louis gawked at him. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you know everything about my family plus him." He said bitterly sarcastic and Dr. Wentz laughed heartily. 

"Well, I can't say I know much about him and your family, but I do know how it feels to be in his position." Louis stared at him. 

"Please elaborate." 

"When I was twenty four I married my wife, McKenzie. Two years later she was in a car crash and unfortunately her and our unborn daughter both passed away." Dr. Wentz explained solemnly. 

"I'm sorry for your loss." Louis whispered softly. 

"My grievance time as passed, but thank you." He said. "Around four years ago I met Sherry, she too had also lost her husband in previous years and we just clicked. The problem was that she had three kids who were not happy with mummies new friend." He explained humorously and Louis chuckled. "Obviously I wanted them to like me. When her and I got more serious, I wanted them to accept me into their lives and just accept me for who I was, but its pretty much stereotyped that children don't like their parents new beau no matter what." He said with a smile.

"Don't I know it." Louis grumbled pursing his lips together. 

"In a sense all Dean wants is for you to like him and accept him." Dr. Wentz said. "Do your sisters like him?" 

"Yeah." Louis nodded apprehensively. "He always brings them candy and shit, of course they like him." 

"Has he ever done anything to try and get you to like him?" Dr. Wentz asked. Louis scoffed. 

"Yeah, he bought two tickets to a Doncaster Rovers game shortly after they got engaged. Thought of it to be a "bonding" thing." 

"Did you go with him?" 

"Nope. I faked being sick and my mum just went with him instead." Dr. Wentz smirked at him. 

"Sometimes people just do some crazy things because they think it will get people to like them." Louis inhaled slowly, the muscles in his throat tightening slightly. What Dr. Wentz said had such a deep meaning then it seemed.

"I starved myself because I thought it would make people to like me." He stated softly.

"So you thought people would like you because you starved yourself?" Dr. Wentz asked. Louis swallowed thickly. 

"N-No, I mean, I-I thought maybe more people would like me if I were skinnier and not so grossly fat and repulsive." 

"And did more people like you?" 

"No." 

"Seems like you're in similar situations then." Dr. Wentz said. 

"No, we're not. I have a serious mental illness. He does not." Louis stated sternly. 

"I was in no way trying to invalidate what you are going through, or have been through. I was just stating the mere similarity between the two. He tried to get you to like him by buying Doncaster Rover tickets and you tried to get people to like you by losing weight. And when it didn't work you just gave up." 

"No, I didn't try to get people to like me by losing weight, I just..." He trailed off and took a deep breath. "I don't know, I don't like what you're doing." He stated making Dr. Wentz laughed. 

"And what am I doing?" 

"I don't know. Making me feel bad." Louis huffed. 

"For who? Yourself or Dean?"  

"Oh my goodness." Louis murmured and ran a hand through his hair. 

"Have you ever tried to put yourself in Deans place?" Louis groaned. 

"No." 

"Have you ever-"

"I've never done anything." Louis quickly cut in. 

"Do you somehow connect Dean to your father?" Dr. Wentz asked seriously. 

"Excuse me?" Louis asked in return sternly. 

"Do you hold some of your resentment towards your father against Dean?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"You say you dislike Dean so much, yet you can't give a justifiable answer as to why." Dr. Wentz stated. "Do you think him now filling the position of a step father has anything to do with your biological father?" 

"No." Louis immediately answered. "He's not my step father." He added stiffly. 

"Then who is he? Or what is he?" Dr. Wentz questioned. Louis's head was beginning to hurt. 

"He's just the guy that married my mum. I don't think he's going to be around all that long." Dr. Wentz stared at him for a moment. 

"And why do you say that?" 

"Because that's just how the world is these days." Louis said. "No one stays together. Someone always ends up leaving." 

"And what happens if he never leaves?" 

"Can we please stop talking about this? Its making my head hurt." Louis said rubbing his temples with his index fingers. Dr. Wentz just smiled. 

"You want to leave?" He asked with a slight sarcastic edge. 

"Yes." Louis said crossing his arms again. His pressure in his forehead only increased though. 

"Well, someone always ends up leaving, right?" 

"That was horrible." Louis cracked a small smile, though, and rolled his eyes at him. Sometimes he wished his eyes would just roll to the back of his head, though. Then he'd never have to wake up because he'd be dead.


	16. Chapter 16

"Harry, wake up." Louis poked Harry's cheek who was startled awake. Harry gazed up at Louis with wide eyes before realizing it was just him. 

"Lou? What time is it?" He asked yawning heavily and rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. 

"It's, like, two a.m." Louis answered with a shrug. He stood beside Harry's bed more awake then he'd ever been since he first entered the hospital. 

"What? Well why the hell are you waking me up?" He asked tossing around on his other side, turning his back to Louis as he cuddled into his pillow and closed his eyes. 

"I finished Relic!" Louis proclaimed proudly. "I can't possibly sleep after reading that. The ending was so suspenseful and exciting! I'm, like, on a reading high or something." He broke out into laughter. Harry turned back over and peeked up at Louis. 

"You did?" 

"Yeah! I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd read a little more since I still hadn't finished the book and once I started I couldn't stop! It was so good!" He exclaimed animatedly. Harry sat up and rubbed his eyes. 

"You really liked it?" He asked tiredly.

"Yeah," Louis nodded and sat down on the edge of the bed, one leg folded underneath him. "Did you read the sequel? I read the little preview for it at the end and it sounded alright, but then again sequels are never good and how could you possibly make a sequel to that?" 

"I read the sequel, and yeah, it definitely wasn't as good as Relic." Harry said. 

"That's definitely the best book I've ever read." Louis raved and Harry smiled at him lazily. 

"Good. You should read some of their other books." He suggested. "I have a few if you would like." 

"Yeah, that'd be cool. They're really good authors." 

"They are. And all of their books are absolutely amazing." 

"Well I don't disbelieve it." He joked and Harry chuckled at him. Louis was just so cute. The corners of his eyes crinkled when he smiled and even twinkled in the moonlight seeping in through the windows blinds. He even had faint little dimples when he smiled extra big. He was genuinely smiling. "Wow, I just feel so energized! I'm probably going to end up falling asleep at six then waking up at, like, nine and then they'll yell at me again like on my first day. I feel like being here for more than a month I've should've warmed up to them by now. Maybe its just me. I tend to not like those who try and have authority over me. If anyone's the boss of me its going to be me. And my mum." Louis was talking faster than Harry could comprehend. It was unfathomable how awake and energized he was for whatever unknown reason. It was kind of endearing to him actually.

"Wow, okay, you need to settle down. Did you sneak an energy drink in here some how and just chug it down?" Harry asked teasingly and Louis laughed. 

"No, I just feel so. . .I don't know, alive right now and I don't know why." He shrugged. 

"Post book excitement mixed with the excitement of now being able to start another." Harry stated and Louis laughed again making Harry's heart melt. 

"More or less." He shrugged casually again then smiled brightly. "Thanks for letting me borrow it." He added sincerely. 

"No problem, you can keep it if you'd like."

"Really?" Louis asked with wide eyes. 

"Yeah, I have two copies." Harry said smiling. 

"Really? Why?" 

"Because my first copy's binding was getting tattered so I bought a new one." He explained and Louis laughed quietly. 

"Problem solving 101." He joked. Harry smiled and Louis grinned back. 

"If only solving problems was that easy." He said as his smile slowly faded. 

"If only every problem could be solved." Harry added lackadaisically. Louis just nodded, pursing his lips together. 

"I'm tired now." He slumped over and Harry smiled.

"I'd figure you'd have some sort of crash." Louis just grinned, sitting up, and yawned. "So why not crash here?" He asked cheekily. 

"Oh, now that's not exactly customary." Louis mocked in Dr. Wentz's tone of voice. 

"Screw being customary." Harry joked and they both laughed. He scooted over a little and Louis moved over to the empty space beside Harry. 

"And if we get in trouble?" 

"You'll talk us out of it." Harry teased and pulled the blanket over Louis's lap. 

"You know I was on the debate team 9th year?" He said laying down on his side so he faced Harry, who had also laid down on his side. Both of them had their arms folded under their heads against the pillow. 

"You were?" Harry asked curiously.

"Yep." Louis said. "Won every debate I took part in." 

"What kind of topics did you debate?" 

"The stupid stereotypical debate topics that are so totally overused like gay marriage, abortion, stuff about energy. The usual." Louis said shrugging.

"Pro-Life or Pro-Choice?" 

"Pro-Life of course." Louis said proudly and Harry smirked smugly. "Don't tell me you're pro-choice." 

"Well its the women's body-"

"Carrying another body which has a completely different genetic make up from the mother." Louis cut in. 

"Most abortions happen before six weeks and at the point its just a bunch of cells. It has no brain waves, heartbeat, it can't feel anything. It isn't a baby." 

"Well if its not a baby then you aren't fucking pregnant." Louis retorted and Harry chuckled. 

"I just meant, like, it isn't really life yet. Its just cells." 

"Because women become pregnant with cells that magically change into a baby after six weeks." Louis said sarcastically. "Life begins at conception, just because it does not look like baby doesn't mean it is not. The "blob of cells" is just a developing child."

"Well I still say its a women's choice. Who are we to tell a woman she can't make her own choice?" 

"Because the choice is a choice between life and death no matter what stage of pregnancy. It sounds stupid saying a women can get an abortion just because the fetus is a bundle of cells and doesn't have a heart beat and brain waves. Do people not understand that by aborting the fetus they are stopping that process?" 

"Some people aren't ready to have children. They don't have the readiness to care for one-"

"People seem to forget adoption is always a choice."

"That doesn't get rid of the pregnancy problem-"

"People aren't ready to care for a child, that doesn't mean they aren't ready to deliver one." Louis said rolling his eyes. 

"They shouldn't deliver a child they're not ready to take care of, and sure adoption is an option, but do you know how many children there already are put up for adoption?" Louis sighed. "Plus these "pro-lifers" only care about a fetus until it's born, then after that they don't care to fight for laws that could help stop children from going hungry and living in poverty."

"Those people are not pro-life then, that is not what being pro-life is about. In my church, every Sunday, we'd pray for the safety and wellbeing of children and families all over the world. We care for everyone at any age."

"Well that's great then, but I mean especially in the case of rape-"

"Anything to justify an abortion." Louis rolled his eyes again. "Let's kill the child because of the father." He said sarcastically. "Oh just kidding, it isn't a child yet so that makes it perfectly acceptable. That's one of the problems. A scientist could find a single bacteria on Mars and say they found life on mars but they'll justify the abortion of a fetus saying it isn't life."

"The difference would be that the bacteria is fully developed and the fetus is not." Harry retorted.

"And that's supposed to justify it? That bacteria is considered life but the growing and developing child in a mother's womb is not?" 

"Well think about this, you have a baby in one hand and in the other you have a petri dish with a fetus-"

"Oh please, I've already seen that on Tumblr." Louis scoffed rolling his eyes.

"And your answer is?" Harry asked teasingly with a simper smile.

"I am not answering that."

"Its not meant in a literal sense-"

"Oh okay, so let's not talk in literal senses. Let's say you had sex with a girl-"

"I wouldn't have sex with a girl." Harry laughed in amusement.

"Well, its not meant in a literal sense, so just pretend you did. Then weeks later she tells you she's pregnant. What would your initial reaction be?" 

"That I forgot the condom or it broke." Louis cracked a smile and reached over, slugging him in shoulder. 

"Be serious." He said trying to suppress his grin.

"I am being serious." Harry stated grinning smugly.

"No you're not. I'm serious, what would think? What if she told she was pregnant, but was getting an abortion?" 

"Then I'd be like 'Okay, its your decision'." Harry said nonchalantly with a shrug.

"You've got to be kidding me." Louis mentally face palmed himself. "You would literally say that? You would say its okay for a girl to abort what would be your child, or bundle of cells, made from both yours and hers chromosomes?" He asked gobsmacked.

"I don't know. We won't know what I'd say until I'm put in that position, but I'll never be in a situation like that so we'll never know." Harry said. Louis sighed and rolled over on his back, placing a hand on his lower chest.

"It's the thought that counts." He said sarcastically. 

"Can we just agree to disagree? This is a debate that's never going to end no matter what happens and it's not really something that's really significant to us." Louis took a deep breath and nodded his head. 

"Okay." Harry smiled softly and Louis sighed again sadly. "My mum should've aborted like my dad said she should've. Then I wouldn't be here right now with all the problems I have."

"Hey now," Harry piped up sternly. "That was completely unnecessary." He reprimanded. "And a totally hypocritical."

"Whatever." Louis mumbled rolling his eyes. "Did you know people are genuinely more honest when they're fatigued?" He was so eccentric.

"Weren't you the one practically bouncing off the walls a second ago?" Harry asked jokingly and cracked a small smile.

"Yes, and I'm tired now." Louis said wearily. He sighed, yet again, and turned back on his side, gazing at Harry. "Have you ever wished you were dead?" Louis asked some of the most blunt and eccentric questions ever and it gave Harry so much amusement.

"Wow, one minute we're arguing about not killing unborn fetuses the next we're talking about wishing we're dead." Harry joked humorously. 

"There's a difference, we were both born." Louis replied with a small simper smile. 

"Well, the answer is yes. I have wished I were dead many times. Even before I acquired my eating disorder and was little."

"Why?" Louis asked with curiosity.

"My dad used to hit me." Harry said casting his glance down. "When he was drunk. He'd hit my mum right in front of me sometimes and I'd try to stop him so he'd just hit me instead." 

"Didn't your mother ever try stop him from hitting you?" He nodded somberly. 

"It never ended pretty." Louis took a deep breath. 

"My dad used to hit me too. When he wasn't drunk." His voice was a mere whisper, his throat was already so tight, he couldn't speak any louder. "Just because he thought it would help me learn my lesson." 

"Mine hit us for no reason. He'd just come home piss drunk and lash out over the tiniest thing. Like if I wasn't in bed, I'd soon be in bed with a bruised side and aching stomach." 

"Well, I already told you about my dad. His way of coping with me coming out was to yell at me and slap me. All because I'm gay." Louis felt tears well in his eyes. They stung like salt to an open wound. 

"Which saddens me because you're perfect the way you are and any father should see that in their child." Harry leaned over quickly and kissed Louis so softly and so gently that Louis didn't know Harry was kissing him at first. His stomached fluttered and he smiled, kissing Harry back. It was such a sweet kiss. Much better than their first if Louis had any say in it. He didn't pass out which was good. They pulled away from the kiss slowly and touched foreheads. 

"It feels like there's a hornets nest in my stomach." Louis whispered softly and Harry smiled. 

"Me too." Louis grinned back. 

"Do you ever miss your dad?" He asked solemnly. 

"Sometimes. My dad wasn't a bad person, he just made bad decisions when under the influence. I just miss the good times we'd have as a family when he was sober." Harrys smile slowly faded more and more which each word he spoke. "Do you ever miss your dad?" He asked in return.

"I miss how it was before I ever came out to him." Louis whispered. 

"What would you do if you ever saw your dad again?" Louis scoffed apathetically. 

"Probably cry." 

-

"What would you do if you ever saw your father again?" Dr. Wentz asked. Louis scoffed a laugh and rolled his eyes. 

"Nothing because I'm never going to see him again." Dr. Wentz smiled in amusement. Today Louis passed a huge milestone in his path to recovery. He was the not the last one to finish his meal. He was at breakfast, but that didn't matter because at lunch he and Harry actually finished at the same time. Shortly after Patricia and Claire had finished which meant Louis had actually finished his meal in a timely manner without whining, complaining, or moping around like a stubborn child. It was an amazing feeling that made the blue devils dancing around his heart creep back inside.

"Let's pretend you do see him again-"

"Let's pretend I don't." Louis interrupted.

"Well, we're pretending you are. What's the first thing you'd say to him?" 

"I wouldn't say anything. I'd probably slap him in the face then walk away." Louis said and Dr. Wentz cracked his knuckles before taking off his glasses and placing them on the desk. 

"What would you say?" He asked firmly. 

"I'd be like, 'Why are you such a bastard? You're the one who's going to hell because of your actions.' Then slap him in the face." Louis said sarcastically and Dr. Wentz cracked a small smile because Louis could actually be quite humorous sometimes. Even when he wasn't trying to be. 

"Okay, in the literal sense though." Louis sighed. 

"I don't know, and we won't know what I'd say or do until I'm put in that position, but I'll never be in the situation where I see my father again so we'll never know." He retorted with a shrug. 

"Have you ever been told you're a difficult person?" Dr. Wentz asked in a joking manner and Louis smiled. 

"Flattery will get you nowhere with me." 

"Who said I was trying to flatter you?" Dr. Wentz asked. Louis chuckled. 

"Me." Dr. Wentz just laughed back. 

"Going back to the initial discussion. . .," He continued trailing off. 

"Look, the likeliness of me ever seeing my father again is at a mere negative ten percent so I don't know why we're even talking about this." Louis stated sitting up straight in his chair. 

"There may come a time-"

"That time will never come." 

"But if it did-"

"Are you trying to tell me something?" Louis interrupted again. 

"No-"

"Are you sure?" He interrupted again getting a stern glance from Dr. Wentz. "Because you seem suddenly keen on how I'd react if I were to ever see my father again."

"It's a logical question." Dr. Wentz simply said. "You mean to tell me you have never thought about seeing your dad again in the past three years?" Louis stirred uneasily, crossing his legs and arms. 

"Of course I have." He admitted in a small voice. 

"And what do you think?" 

"I don't know, I think about him yelling at me if he ever saw me again." Louis said softly. 

"Why?" He scoffed. 

"Well we didn't exactly leave off on good terms."

"Understandable." Dr. Wentz nodded. "But there comes a time in life when you need to let that go and move on, something you've failed to do for over three years." 

"Sometimes it takes awhile to move past having someone you love treat you like utter shit." Louis fired back raising his voice. "Look around, there are people, kids, traumatized by what their parent or parents did to them. I'm not exactly traumatized, but it's something I've thought about every single day of my fucking life since it happened. Before he even left I was terrified just to leave my room because I was afraid of running into him."

"I'm not saying you're going to forget about it and move on like nothing ever happened, but you won't let yourself move on. You refrain yourself by still living in the past. The only difference is that your father is still present in your subconscious, not in person." 

"Look, if I wanted fucking counseling about my father then I'd go see a therapist pertaining to family relations, but I don't. I'm in a fucking eating disorder unit in a hospital so why don't you help with my starvation problem, yeah? Why are we constantly talking about my jack ass of a dad? Day after day, and that's all it ever is. This place sucks. You don't help us here at all. You just shove food down our throats and make us sit through your god forsaken group therapy sessions, which are completely useless, then you just push us back out into the world, or something, and expect us to be cured. News flash, beating an eating disorder is so much more than gaining back all the weight we've lost. Its about learning how to balance what we eat and what we do, learning about positive self image, nutrition, it may be even a little helpful to educate us on what we're doing to our body by starving it or throwing everything up because I'll tell what I know about anorexia; nothing. I know absolutely nothing about the whole reason I'm standing here right now. So why don't you put your PhD to use and actually help us, Dr. Wentz." Louis was practically breathing fire. Dr. Wentz was looking up at him intently since he had risen to his feet during his angry speech. He was breathing rapidly, but it was slowing down now that he had stopped yelling. Dr. Wentz cleared his throat and cracked his knuckles again. Louis huffed and turned, marching out of the room. Dr. Wentz wasn't going to stop him. 

Louis walked briskly down the hall into his room trying not to let his anger show. Harry was sitting on his bed with a book in hand. He looked over at Louis catching sight of him in the door way. Louis took a deep breath and tried to pretend that he didn't want to scream and punch a wall.

"Hey," Harry greeted. "You okay?" Okay, so Louis wasn't good at hiding emotions, especially anger. 

"What? Oh yeah, I'm fine." He really was fine all together, just a part of him was not. "I was wondering if you had any other Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child books?" 

"Oh yeah, they're in the desk drawer if you wanted to look at them." Harry gestured to the desk. 

"Thanks." Louis smiled thinly and turned around to the desk pushed against the wall. Harry turned back to his own book and Louis pulled opened the drawer. He didn't have time to read through all the descriptions because he really needed to get his mind off his little blow up in Dr. Wentz office. So he grabbed the book titled Wheel Of Darkness and dropped down on his bed, opening up to the first page. 

It wasn't until three and half hours later at four when they were both still reading that Nurse Ingrid gently knocked on their door and opened it up a little. 

"Louis, Dr. Wentz would like to see you." She said. 

"I'm not talking to him, I already have." Louis retorted turning the page. 

"It's important." She pushed. 

"Am I being discharged?" 

"No." She crossed her arms.

"Then it's not important." He said with a simple shrug and continued reading the page. 

"Louis, go to Dr. Wentz's office now or I'll have the other nurses escort you there." She threatened and Louis just laughed, closing the book.

"That wouldn't be safe, now would it?" He asked sarcastically and stood up. "Whatever, I'm going." He walked out of the room. He heard her close the door again and wondered why on earth he had to go talk to Dr. Wentz again. Maybe he was just letting Louis cool off a little bit before 'going back to the initial discussion', but Louis felt like the discussion had ready ended. This should be good. 

He approached the closed door and grasped the door knob. He opened the door and stepped in, looking around. Then he just pivoted around and walked away because sitting in front of Dr. Wentz and Dr. Bindle was his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow louis' father has appeared can you believe this totally unpredictable plot twist


	17. Chapter 17

Louis hurried down the hallway and dodged through the first open door he saw. It was Morgan and Jay Lynn's room, but Morgan was the only one in the room. 

"Do you need something?" She asked putting her magazine down beside her leg. Louis couldn't fucking believe it. It was unfathomable!

"Um, yes, let me hide in here?" He asked closing the door and walked further in towards her bed against the far wall. He knew it about himself, he hid from his problems. And he wasn't ashamed of that! He especially wasn't ashamed if that problem was 5"10 and sitting in Dr. Wentz's office.

"What?" 

"My fucking father is sitting in a room with Dr. Wentz and Bindle and I am not talking to him." Louis explained sternly. "And I have no idea how they even found him or how they even convinced him to come here." 

"Wait, the father who, like, wanted to disown you just because you came out to him?" She clarified. 

"Yeah," He nodded. "And I know Dr. Wentz or someone is going to-" Morgans expression fell and Louis froze. 

"Louis." It was Dr. Wentz. Shocker. 

"I'm just-I'm gonna go." Morgan stood up quickly and hurried out of the room. The tension in his heart stopped it from beating as he turned around. 

"So, I was trying to hint at something earlier today." Dr. Wentz said in a humorous tone and with a small, sincere smile. 

"I am not going to your office with you, and Dr. Bindle, and my moronic father." Louis crossed his arms tightly to show that he was not open to negotiation. "How the hell did you even find him? Why did you tell him I was here? You had absolutely no business or right telling him that, let alone somehow convincing him to come here. Do you not realize he wants absolutely nothing to do with me? That's why he left our family. He wanted to disown me so don't think you can convince me to go talk things through with him or whatever." 

"If he wanted nothing to do with you then why would he agree to come here?" Louis was rendered speechless. "It happened when you were 16, you're 19 now." Dr. Wentz added looking down at him. "I don't think you fully understand how much. . .rage you hold against him and yourself. Have you ever tried to connect the dots?"

"No, because I'm not five." Louis snapped. 

"Louis-"

"Nothing you say is going to make me go in there. Why is he even here? How did you convince him to come here?"

"I contacted your mother-"

"My mother? What about my mother?" Louis interrupted suspicious at the mention of his mother.

"There's a lot of things you are not aware of. Your mother has kept in touch with your father ever since he left." What? 

"Whatever, how the hell did you even convince him to come here?" He asked shaking his head, trying to shake away the feeling that it really bothered him that his mother and dad had stayed in touch. 

"Why don't you go ask him that yourself?" Dr. Wentz suggested. 

"You know, its not that big of deal. I'll be in my room. Tell my dad I said 'fuck you.'" Louis walked passed Dr. Wentz, but he grabbed Louis by the arm, spinning him around. "Don't touch me." He growled ripping his arm away from Dr. Wentz grip. 

"You don't have a choice." 

"So you're forcing me talk to my father?" Louis asked cynically. 

"Yes, I am. And so is Dr. Bindle. And they're waiting, so let's go." Louis contemplated for a moment. 

"I'll stay for, like, five minutes then I'm leaving and you can't force me to stay after that." He stated. 

"We'll see how it goes." Louis rolled his eyes and his heart dropped heavily to his stomach as he walked out of the room with Dr. Wentz. 

"Did you put all your breakables away?" Louis asked as they stopped outside the office door. 

"Should I have?"

"Probably." Dr. Wentz reached for the door knob. He paused before opening it. 

"I presume they'll be lots of yelling?" 

"Probably." Louis repeated flatly.

"I expected that, but I know that if you can make peace with this, you can make peace with anything. Even yourself." Louis looked up at him and Dr. Wentz opened the door stepping inside. Louis walked inside and stood by the door whereas Dr. Wentz took his seat next to Dr. Bindle across from his father. Louis still hadn't looked at him. He couldn't. "Well, here he is." Dr. Wentz joked lightly.

"Louis, would you like to take a seat?" Dr. Bindle asked looking at him and Louis shook his head stubbornly. 

"No." He said with his arms crossed tightly. He kept his head turned to the right so he was looking at the wall behind Dr. Bindle and Dr. Wentz. He just couldn't look at his father. 

"So, um, obviously you know why you're here." Dr. Wentz started. He glanced down at his desk and picked up his frame of him and his wife, shuffling into the drawer just as a precaution. Louis could get a little hostile and feisty and he wanted there to be as little broken glass as there could be involved. Louis saw him do that out of the corner of his eye and forced a nervous laugh. Dr. Bindle looked at him questionably as did Mark. 

"So, who wants to go first?" Dr. Bindle asked with a simper smile.

"Louis-" 

"Oh my goodness, I can't do this." Louis interrupted under his breath. His fathers voice was like a stab wound to the heart. He turned his head down and wiped his eyes. His throat felt so constricted that his lungs and chest physically hurt. 

He knew that the second he'd open his mouth he'd burst into tears. His cheeks were warm, his vision was completely blinded by tears, and his face was impossibly red from how hard he was trying not to cry. 

His tears started rolling down his cheeks freely. He shouldn't of blinked. The silence was holding him hostage and the second someone spoke he'd probably suffocate. 

"Louis?" Dr. Wentz asked softly. Louis just turned and somehow managed to find his way to the door. He pulled it open then stepped out into the hallway. He wanted to fall down the hole he dug himself and die. He leaned against the wall beside the door. He wasn't even sure if he had closed the door behind him. Slowly, he sunk down to the floor and wrapped his arms around his legs. He pulled his legs in then placed his forehead down on his knees. 

The door opened again before Dr. Wentz stepped out, closing it behind him. He squatted down beside Louis. 

"Louis-"

"You can't just spring this on me without any warning." Dr. Wentz took a deep breath and nodded. 

"This is not something you can not handle." Louis just shook his head and kept his forehead between his knees. "I did not ask him to come here to make you feel worse, I asked him to come here to make you feel better and so you could come to terms. I don't think you'll be able to fully recover if you don't go through with this." 

"I'd rather spend my whole life like this than talk to him." Dr. Wentz chuckled softly. 

"The longer a person suffers from their eating disorder the more likely they are to die from it. I don't think you want to die." Louis scoffed. He lifted his head up and wiped his eyes with the edge of his hand. He glanced at Dr. Wentz then looked away. 

"You have no idea how badly I want to die right now." Dr. Wentz placed his hand gently on Louis's shoulder. 

"No one heals without struggle." Louis rolled his eyes. "C'mon." He stood up and Louis just let go of his knees, taking a deep breath. 

"I-I can't." He shook his head and Dr. Wentz nodded. 

"You are capable of accomplishing anything." 

"I'm really not, though." 

"If you are capable of bringing yourself to your lowest point then you are capable of bringing yourself to your highest point." Louis looked at Dr. Wentz then just sighed. He climbed up to his feet and Dr. Wentz smiled. 

He opened the door yet again and they stepped in. He sat back down at his desk and Louis just stood where he stood before with his arms crossed tightly and his cheek between his teeth. 

"So how the fuck are we supposed to start something like this?" He asked rhetorically.

"Don't you have a question you'd like to ask your father?" Dr. Wentz asked gesturing to him. Louis bit his cheek. 

"Why the fuck are you here." 

"Say it nicely." Dr. Wentz corrected. "And look at him when you talk, don't curse." He instructed. Louis sighed and glanced at his dad before staring down at the carpet.

"Why are you here?" He asked flatly. 

"Well, when I first got a call from Dr. Wentz I was quite shocked to hear about your predicament." Louis scoffed. 

"Oh yes, my predicament." He mocked. "That you caused." Louis downright knew that he was the cause of his eating disorder, but his father was the one to cause the downward spiral for him and Louis liked being able to put the blame on someone else. It was easier. And he just wanted to be spiteful, but it's easier to admit another persons faults before your own and that was something Louis was all too familiar with. 

"I thought-"

"You thought a lot of things." He interrupted. 

"Louis, do not interrupt him when he speaks, it is disrespectful. Wait for him to finish his sentence before responding." Dr. Wentz said calmly.

"Well sorry, it's hard to take what he says seriously." Louis shot back. 

"Continue." He looked at Mark.

"They gave me a brief explanation and mentioned it was your cheerleading--" Mark started talking under his breath. 

"Right." Louis interrupted him again sarcastically. "It was just my cheerleading that led to my disorder. It had nothing to do with the fact that my father loathed me coming out to him. You abusing me verbally and physically had absolutely no affect on me." Mark was quiet. 

"And me." He finished. "But I've had a change of heart-"

"You cannot just walk in here after leaving our family and tell me you've had a fucking change of heart." Louis told him sternly. 

"I tried to contact you but your mother refused!" He suddenly yelled rising to his feet. 

"When and why were you trying to contact me? So you can remind me about how much of a faggot I am?" Louis fired back. Mark was quiet again. "Do you have any idea what kind of hell you put me through? Any idea how much hell mum had to go through with you just up and leaving one day all because of me?" 

"Your mother and I were already having problems to begin with, we would've ended up splitting later on-"

"Oh! So I was the little thing to tide over your decision in leaving? Well that's just fan-fucking-tastic, that makes me feel so good inside." He exclaimed sarcastically. 

"She asked me to leave!" Now it was Louis's turn to be quiet. "Our marriage had been on the rocks a long while before you came out and obviously I wasn't helping at all by acting how I did. So one night she asked me leave and I did figuring it would be a way to restore what little peace could be found." He explained lowering his voice.

"Well that would've been some really good fucking information to know." Louis muttered. "Any other secrets you or mum have kept from me? Like the fact that you two have been keeping in touch this entire time?" He asked bitterly. 

"The only reason we've kept in touch was to work out our divorce and I wanted to hear about you guys-"

"Bullshit." Louis interrupted raising his voice over Marks. "'You guys,' you can just say the girls. I know you didn't want to hear anything about me."

"That's not true-"

"And I totally believe you." He interrupted sarcastically. "You practically wanted to disown me." He said. "You wanted to change the biologic fact that I am your son. You didn't want me as your son! How the hell do you think that made me feel that my father was so ashamed of me he didn't want to be known as my father! And I'm supposed to believe you kept in touch with mum because you still wanted to hear about the girls and I? I shouldn't even be talking to you right now. Why the hell did you even come here? You think just having one talk here, telling me you've had a change of heart is going to make up for everything you've done to me? Think again, bastard. You can take anything you have to say and shove it up your ass because that's where your head is and has always been." 

"Remember when we used to play our piano together?" That was a low blow. Louis felt like he had fallen into a well and his father kept pushing him back down as soon as he climbed to the top. 

"Don't even fucking go there. I can't believe you'd have the audacity." He said furiously. "Remember when you sold our piano?" 

"Our piano." He repeated and Louis felt himself redden. 

"The piano." He mumbled. "You sold it. That was like a huge slap to the face. In fact, it was worse than that. That was, like, your way of saying I meant absolutely nothing to you anymore."

"You didn't mean nothing-"

"Really? Because it sure as hell felt like it." Louis retorted sternly. "Do you even remember what you did to me?" He asked seriously. "Do you remember the Mormon group you forced me to go with to make me straight? Do you remember all the disgusting and vulgar names you called me? Like faggot, and fairy, and telling me about how you encouraged mum to get an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with me because I wasn't planned? Do you remember pushing me to the ground and spitting on me?" He asked, his tone raising with each question. "Do you remember hitting me? God, you put me through so much fucking hell and I hated myself so much." He scoffed. "I hate myself so much." He repeated shaking his head sadly. 

"And I'm here to apologize!" Mark exclaimed. "That's why I came here when whichever one of them called me." Louis scoffed. 

"Oh! You want to apologize?" He asked cynically and glared at him coldly. 

"Louis-" Dr. Wentz warned. 

"Well, go ahead! Say you're sorry. Apologize." Mark fumbled for words. "Exactly." Louis said after a minute of awkward silence. "You can't apologize because what you did is something that can't be smoothed over by a pathetic apology from a pathetic man." 

"Louis." Dr. Wentz said again. "He's doing his best, obviously this wasn't expected to go smoothly the first time." 

"First time?" Louis repeated with widened eyes. 

"Yes," Dr. Wentz said nodding. "You didn't think just one meeting would clear this up, did you?" 

"You mean he's going to be coming back?" He asked and Dr. Wentz nodded. 

"Of course." Louis's eyes widened even further in disheartenment. 

"Can I leave now? Its been way past five minutes." He felt tears sting his eyes and he most definitely wasn't going to cry in front of his father. He had done that one too many times and he most certainly wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of watching him cry again. 

"No." Dr. Wentz said. "Why not take a seat?" Mark had taken his seat again and Louis just shook his head.

"No." 

"Suit yourself. Now that most of the yelling is out of your system maybe you'd like to actually speak in a calmer manner." 

"Most of my yelling is not out of my system." Louis grumbled rolling his eyes. 

"Well, now it is." Dr. Wentz's tone was impatient and Louis scoffed. 

"Well you can't make that decision, now can you." He mumbled. 

"Just. . .instead of biting off your fathers head after everything he says, listen to him and keep an open mind." Louis just rolled his eyes. "He said he's had a change of heart and came here to sincerely apologize to you, maybe you should actually listen to him." The air was thick with tension and Louis was trying so hard not to burst into tears. "If you'd like to continue." Dr. Wentz said wearily and gestured a hand towards Mark. Mark took a deep breath. 

"I know its hard to believe because the way I treated you was deplorable, but a couple months after I had left I had a revelation and saw the error of my horrible ways-" 

"Oh, that's great to hear. Yeah, let's talk about you and everything you went through." Louis interrupted sarcastically. 

"This isn't about me-" 

"'Its not me,' I say as I talk about myself." He mocked snootily.

"Louis." Dr. Wentz and Dr. Bindle both warned in unison. "Actually listen instead of thinking of snappy comebacks to make." Dr. Bindle said and Louis rolled his eyes, unsure of why Dr. Bindle was even in here. He had no need to be, but the reason he was in there was to act as a mediator. Dr. Wentz wasn't sure how Louis was going to react and sometimes he could get a little. . .rowdy and boisterous. 

"I am listening, the comebacks just come naturally." 

"Just try and keep your mouth closed." 

"I make no promises." Dr. Wentz just sighed before glancing back at Mark. 

"Maybe you'd like to explain what made you have your revelation, or what opened your eyes to your wrong doings." Louis snorted, rolling his eyes to the back of his head for the millionth time and they all gave him a threatening look. A look he knew too well on his father. 

"After awhile I started feeling very remorseful and guilty-" 

"Why didn't you feel that way during the months you treated me like shit?" Louis quickly interrupted. 

"God dammit Louis! Would you let me finish a fucking sentence?" Mark suddenly yelled fiercely. Louis's heart dropped. 

"Mr. T-"

"You haven't had a change of heart, you bastard! You're still the same fucking man you were three years ago!" Louis shouted back at him furiously. 

"I am trying my best to talk, but you won't let me finish a fucking sentence!" Mark yelled back in frustration whereas Louis's yelling was coming from his anger. 

"Because all you have to say is shit!"

"How would you know that what I have to say is shit if you won't even let me finish?" Louis grit his teeth. 

"I hope you burn in hell when you die, you bastard." He grabbed the first thing he came in contact with which was the a little desk lap sitting in the corner of Dr. Wentz's desk and before either of them could stop him from what he was about to do he chucked it at his dad. The cord ripped out of the socket and Mark quickly raised his arms up to deflect the lamp. Louis didn't care to stay and see if he had succeeded in throwing the object at his dad. The second the lamp left his hand he pivoted around and left the office quickly. 

He walked briskly to his room, slamming the door furiously behind him. Harry, who was just leaving the bathroom, looked at him alerted and stepped forward. 

Louis was the picture image of furious. His face was red and his nostrils were flared. He was breathing so heavily it sounded like he had just finished sprinting a mile. His fists were clenched tightly at his sides needing to hit something. 

"I have to punch something." He said inhaling and exhaling deeply. 

"Whoa, no you don't." Harry quickly stepped in front of him and put his hands on Louis's shoulders. 

"Yes I do. I have to hit something." He glanced frantically around the room. 

"Here," Harry quickly went over and picked up the pillow from his bed, holding it out in front of him. "Hit this." Louis just inhaled slowly again and brought back his clenched fist. He ended punching past the pillow making Harry take a little bit of the blow and stumble backwards. He threw the pillow back on the bed and stepped in front of Louis. For someone once so weak, he could really pack a punch. "Do you feel better?" 

"No." 

"What's wrong?" 

"They brought my dad here. They actually contacted him and convinced him to come here to talk to me. Can you believe that?" Louis asked raising his voice. 

"No, I can't actually. They actually did?" Harry asked in disbelief. 

"Yeah, they did. And apparently him and my mum have stayed in contact ever since he left and he left because she asked him too. This whole entire time I thought he left without any warning to any of us because of me, but she knew the entire time! She knew and she didn't tell me! Why would she keep that from me!" Louis shrilled. 

"Lou," Harry quieted him. "What happened when you talked to your dad?" He asked softly. 

"He yelled at me." Louis said sadly and lowered his gaze to the floor. "It's kind of my fault though, I kept biting his head off practically and interrupting him with sarcastic comments." He added and Harry chuckled softly.

"That might cause ones patience to give way and make them yell." Louis looked up at him, unamused. 

"I also might've thrown a desk lamp at him." Louis admitted and Harry tried to stifle his laughter.

"How big was the lamp?" 

"I don't know, not too big but could do some damage if caught off guard." Louis said and Harry smiled down at him. 

"You probably shouldn't of done that." He teased and Louis scoffed. 

"That is nothing compared to what he has done to me." He stated crossing his arms. 

"That's what he has done. Has as in in the past. Obviously they asked him to come here to work through that. If your dad didn't feel bad, or guilty, or regret what he's done then he wouldn't have come here." 

"Whose side are you fucking on?" Louis snapped looking up at him in betrayal. Harry laughed and leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. Louis instantly felt calmer. Still tense and upset, but a little mellowed out. 

"I'm on the side that wants you to be happy."

"Talking to my father is not going to make me happy." Louis said stubbornly. 

"Nope, it won't, but maybe after you've actually worked out your guys problems together you'll feel a little better." Louis groaned and dropped his head into his hands in dismay. "So, why don't you go back to Dr. Wentz's office, because I presume your father is still here, and at least apologize for throwing a lamp at him and maybe listen to what he has to say." Louis looked up at him hesitantly. "I'm serious, Lou. They're only doing this because they know it'll help you get better. You want to get better right?" 

"Yeah, but I don't want to talk to him." 

"We all don't want to do things in life, but some things we have to do for the well being of ourselves." Harry said solemnly. Louis sighed and spun around on his heel. 

"Fine." 

"I'll even walk you to the office." Harry teased following after him. Louis shot him a spiteful look over his shoulder, but then yawned. He felt so drained.

"It's the least you could do." He remarked sarcastically. Louis's heart grew heavier as they got closer to the door. Voices were audible, but not enough to make out what they were saying. They stopped at the door and Louis just stood there.

"Well?" Harry asked gesturing from Louis to the door. 

"Let's just wait until he comes back. They said he'd be coming back." Louis said turning to Harry. 

"No, Lou, go. Maybe he's even left by now." Louis still hesitated so Harry placed his hand on the small of Louis's back and gently guided him to the door. The door was cracked so he pushed it open and nudged Louis inside. Dr. Wentz and Mark were both standing up, near the door like Mark was getting ready to leave and Dr. Wentz was thanking him for coming. 

They both silenced and glanced at them. Harry just smiled thinly, gaining a questionable look from Dr. Wentz, and closed the door behind him. The lamp was back in its original place on the desk, unplugged, and his father didn't appear to have been hit. It was silent. 

"I'm sorry I kept interrupting you and was being sarcastic and threw the desk lamp at you." Louis apologized in a flat tone. "Apparently I have an anger problem." 

"I am sorry I raised my voice." Mark responded sincerely. Dr. Wentz cleared his throat. 

"If you're both willing, why don't we start over." Mark nodded and Louis exhaled, not sighed. Dr. Wentz took his seat behind the desk and Mark backtracked to his previous seat. Reluctantly, Louis walked over and sat down in the empty seat beside his dad.


	18. Chapter 18

Needless to say that was the longest conversation he had ever endured. It all sounded like a load of crap to him. He wasn't sure if his father was truly sincere or not, he'd like to believe he was, but how can someone go from treating you in deplorable ways to saying they didn't mean it and are truly sorry? Well, you can't. 

The meeting lead up to dinner and by that point Louis had absolutely no appetite. He left Dr. Wentz's office without a word, just muttering a goodbye hoping his father didn't hear him. He went straight to the dayroom where everyone was at the table and the plates were set. Louis sat down next to Harry and slumped over somberly. 

"How'd it go?" Harry asked him quietly.

"Exactly how it went the first time except without the yelling and flying lamps." Louis replied sarcastically and Harry laughed softly. He reached under the table and patted Louis's knee gently. 

"It'll get better."

"Doubt it." Louis mumbled and stared down at his plate. 

"It will. It always does." Louis reached under the table and took Harry's hand in his, lacing their fingers together under the table. Harry looked down at him and smiled. Louis smiled meekly before they both turned away from each other and looked at their plates. It was a more fun dish than usual. A hamburger with lettuce, tomato, and cheese, crinkle cut fries, and a little side of coleslaw. Plus a glass of apple juice. Harry picked up a french fry and started eating away at those. Louis just sighed sadly. He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to breathe. He wanted to die, but something about Harry's hand being entwined with his gave him a good sense of warmth and security. 

Time passed so slowly and Louis had eaten a total of two and a half fries whereas Harry was halfway through his hamburger which was sad because they couldn't hold hands then. Half the girls had already finished and were off to their rooms. 

"C'mon, Lou. You have to eat." Harry said softly and nudged him gently. 

"I'm not hungry." 

"You just don't feel hungry because you're upset." Harry said looking at him. 

"No, seriously, I am not hungry." Louis repeated stubbornly. Harry just shrugged and turned back to his burger. Eventually it dwindled down to Louis and Harry being the only ones at the table. Harry's plate had been taken away and Louis was still sitting in front of a full one. Harry was turned towards Louis, leaning against the edge of the table on his elbow. 

"C'mon, Lou." Louis just sighed and looked up at him. "Just get it over with." He looked back down at his plate bleakly.

"That's easier said than done." He mumbled. 

"Would it help if I fed you?" Harry asked teasingly and picked up a fry from his plate. 

"I don't think it works that way." Louis said cracking a small smile. 

"C'mon," Harry cooed waving the fry in front of Louis's lips. "Open up the tunnel, here comes the train." He sung and Louis laughed. 

"Stop it." He giggled reaching out and pushing Harry's hand away from his face. If they were under different circumstances maybe Louis would actually open his mouth and have Harry playfully feed him, but that was not so. 

"Stop what?" Harry asked in feign innocence. Louis smiled at him patronizingly and Harry chuckled. "C'mon." He tried to sound serious but just ended up breaking out into a grin again. 

"Stop saying c'mon." Louis said crossing his arms. 

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon," Harry repeated purposefully trying to get a dig out of him.

"You're so annoying." Louis sighed. 

"I am not." Harry pouted at him. Louis glanced at him and smiled a little. He reached over and took the fry from Harry's hand, popping it into his mouth.

"Happy?" 

"Elated." Harry quipped and they both grinned at each other. 

"I like your smile," Louis told him softly. 

"And I like your face." Harry teased making Louis laugh. "And your laugh." He added. "And your eyes." He leaned in quickly and pressed a soft kiss to Louis's cheek. Louis's smile was almost gone before it even appeared as his eyes widened then landed on Nurse Ingrid who was watching them intently. 

Her expression was pretty stoic, but Harry's eyes widened in realization of what he had just done. "Oh, um-I-uh, sorry." He stammered nervously. "I'm just-I'm gonna go back to the room." He got up from the table, turned, and quickly fled the room, ultimately leaving Louis in the dust. Louis was bright red, as was Harry, except Harry was able to leave the room. 

"Louis," Nurse Ingrid stepped in front of the table across from him. His heart stopped and he kept his head down. 

"Look-"

"You need to eat." Louis looked up at her questionably. He had assumed she was going to reprimand him for what had just happened only ten seconds prior. 

"Really? You aren't going to say anything about...?" 

"Is there something I should say?" She asked with her arms folded behind her back. She peered down at Louis who was sitting in front of his plate meekly, still blushing furiously. 

"I don't know," Louis shrugged. "I thought you'd reprimand me or something."

"Well, are you two breaking any rules?" 

"No, I don't think so. You guys have some pretty stupid rules here." Ingrid smiled a little. 

"Our rules are meant for the well-being of the patients." She said and Louis just rolled his eyes. 

"Yeah, okay." He scoffed. 

"I always suspected there was something going on between you two." Louis reddened again. 

"Wow, okay, its nothing, really. Can you, like, throw my plate in a microwave and heat it up a little? It's cold and gross." He said pushing his plate forward a little. 

"Sure." She reached down and picked up his plate before pivoting to the side and walking to the door that led to the kitchen. She was in there for maybe a minute before exiting and placing the plate down in front of Louis again. "So now you should be set to finish your food." Louis just stared down at it solemnly. 

He still had absolutely no appetite and he didn't know how he was going to choke down his plate of food. It looked beyond disgusting and he already felt so disgusted with himself. Cramming food down his throat would only make him feel worse. 

"I'm not hungry." He mumbled. 

"I'm sorry, but you still have to eat." She said sympathetically. 

"But I'm not hungry." He repeated more firmly. Ingrid pulled out the chair across from him and sat down. 

"Are you really not hungry or just upset?" She asked him solemnly. 

"How would you know if I were upset?" He asked and she laughed gently. 

"It's not exactly hard to tell when you're mad or upset or happy with a temperament like yours." Louis cracked a small smile. "I know you're father-"

"How do you know about father?" He asked suspiciously. 

"Every worker in this unit knows." She said and Louis frowned madly. "I know it's probably tough seeing him after all these years, and today sounded a little stressful, but if you just finish this meal then you can go back to your room and go to sleep." 

"It's hard to eat when you aren't hungry." Louis mumbled rolling his eyes. 

"You haven't eaten since lunch. When people are depressed, upset, or stressed they tend to either turn to food or turn away from food. You're obviously turning away from it, but just because you don't have an appetite doesn't mean you can't eat." Louis groaned and picked up another fry, which was nice and hot, but a little soggy. He stuck it in his mouth. Ingrid smiled and Louis rolled his eyes. 

Around forty five minutes later he finally finished his meal and headed back to his room. Harry was on his bed with a book in hand (as usual) and the second Louis stepped in he placed it down slowly. 

"So, um, sorry about doing-"

"Don't worry about it." Louis said walking over to the dresser. 

"Really?" Harry sat up. "Did Nurse Ingrid say anything?" 

"She didn't exactly say anything directly. As soon as you left she told me to finish my food," Louis explained taking a pair of sweats and a tee shirt out of the drawer. "And then I said that I thought she was going to reprimand me for you kissing my cheek and she just said "Well, are you two breaking any rules?" And I said no, and she was actually, like, okay with it. She even said she suspected there was something going on between us." He turned around and Harry smiled. 

"Really?" He asked humored. 

"Yeah." Louis nodded and walked over to the bathroom. 

"Do you think other people are suspicious?" Harry asked him curiously. Louis paused in the doorway of the bathroom, facing Harry. 

"I don't know. Are we really obvious about it?" Harry just shrugged. He would love to be obvious and blunt and show the whole world how much he had fallen for Louis. But for now only Louis could see that and that's all who needed to see it.

"I don't know, Macy knew before we even did." He laughed softly and Louis stared at him. 

"Macy knew?" 

"Yeah, like, the first week you came here one day she came up to me and asked me if I liked you and stuff and said it was totally obvious we liked each other." Harry explained and Louis's eyes widened in surprised. 

"Seriously? She said the same thing to me!" He exclaimed. "She even told me that you liked me, but I didn't believe her." He mumbled smiling humbly.

"Why didn't you believe her?" Harry asked humorously. 

"I don't know," He mumbled with pink cheeks. "I just didn't think you'd actually like me or anything." 

"Well, I do. I really do." Harry said sweetly and Louis couldn't even contain his smile now. 

"Ditto!" He exclaimed before jumping in the bathroom and closing the door quickly. He took a moment to calm his heart then changed out of his clothes and tried not to look in the mirror as he did because then that'd just wipe all his warm and bubbly feelings away. 

But once he was changed he looked and realized he still hated short sleeved tee shirts because he hated his arms. They were still so thin and bony and just gross. He could wrap his entire hand around his bicep which is something he probably shouldn't be able to do. 

He wanted to look away, look away from himself, but once he looked in the mirror he couldn't turn away. It was like he was locked in a trance. He didn't even recognize himself. If he couldn't recognize himself then who was he looking at?

He forced himself to look away and scooped his clothes up off the floor. He walked out of the bathroom and threw his clothes in his never ending pile against the wall beside the dresser. The first time he tried to do the laundry he had no idea what he was doing and a nurse had to show him how to work the washing and drying machine. Needless to say, he decided he was going to wait until it was absolutely necessary to do laundry again. 

He climbed into his bed and pulled the blanket over himself.

"Tired?" Harry asked from across the room in his own bed. 

"After today I just feel so drained." Louis answered falling on his back, his head landing on his pillow. 

"Well, till then I say to you, good night my fair gentlemen." Harry joked making Louis laugh. 

"Dork." 

-

When day broke Louis didn't want to get up. Of course, he never wanted to get up in the morning, but today he really didn't want to get up. But he did. And so did Harry. And he told Louis he thought his hair looked all cute and fluffy when he first got up and Louis said he loved how Harry's voice sounded in the morning, all low and groggy and especially deep.

They both changed and went to the dayroom for breakfast, which was grueling and pretty much led up to group therapy. And group therapy was as awful as it usually was. It was worse than lunch. Lunch wasn't as bad as breakfast was or dinner last night. But he wasn't sure what was worse, group therapy or his meetings with Dr. Wentz. 

"Oh, boy. I have certainly been looking forward to this meeting all day." Louis exclaimed sarcastically as he sat down. He crossed his arms and sunk down a little. 

"Well then I hate to break it to you but today's will be super short." Dr. Wentz said and Louis perked up. 

"Really? Why?" 

"Well, yesterday was a little strenuous." Louis scoffed. 

"That's an understatement." Dr. Wentz moved around a few papers then held up an envelope. "What's that?" Louis asked.

"This is a letter written by your father to you." He explained and Louis didn't have anything to say. "I want you to read it. When you want to, though. He's coming back next Wednesday so you could wait until Tuesday night if you'd like to read it." He reached out and Louis extended his arm out slowly, taking the letter. "And that's all. You can go back to your room now." Louis stood up silently and walked out of the office numbly. 

He held the letter in his hands. It felt like the paper was searing his skin and his fathers words echoed in his ears. He walked into his room, swallowing thickly. Harry was in there reading yet again and looked over at Louis before sitting up. 

"You look distraught." He noted out loud. Louis walked over and dropped down on the edge of Harry's bed. Harry closed his book and set it on the nightstand. 

"My dad wrote me a letter." He announced flatly and stared down at the envelope that had "Louis" written neatly in the middle. 

"Are you going to read it now?" Harry asked softly. 

"I don't know, I want to but I don't know." He turned it over continuously in his hands.

"Do you want me to leav-"

"No." Louis said grabbing his wrist tightly. "I want you to stay here." Harry nodded and knew that it would probably be worse for Louis if he were to read the letter alone. The past three years of his life he had spent alone. He had pushed his friends and family away, his whole support system away, which was maybe why he crumbled. A house can't stand by itself with neglectful eyes watching it. 

But now he had Harry. And Harry was his whole support system plus some. He gave him a shoulder to cry on, open arms to hug, and words to keep him going. 

Louis turned around so his back was to Harry and Harry leaned over his shoulder slightly, watching him tear open the envelope then pull out the notebook paper. He unfolded it.

Dear Louis, 

To think I am writing you a letter is unfathomable and I do hope you haven't crumpled this and thrown it the trash by now. So if you're still reading this, then thank you. Its literally the least you could do considering the way I treated when you came out to me was one hundred percent unacceptable and unorthodox. By now, I am a changed man and I hope you come to see that. 

Growing up, I had a brother and at one point in our lives he came out as gay too. He was older than me by far, I was only 4 the time he came out to our father. Like me, my father did not react nicely. My only recolonise of the time was him constantly berating him. Then one day, he never came home. My brother that is. Whereas my mother was torn apart, my father couldn't seem to care less, and I didn't understand what was happening. My father since would always talk about homosexuality and how its the "HIV" of the world, or was the corruption taking over our society. As you know, my family were strong Catholics so before I was even old enough to be able to form my own unbiased opinions I was growing up with influence of my father, my church priest, and my Sunday school teacher who also taught me that marriage was union strictly between one man and one women. It is not. 

When I look back on how I treated you I see my father and that is not someone who I want to see. I don't know if you've ever really thought about it, but we never visited your grandfather at all for multiple reasons which will remain unknown. I know I treated you in ways that deem unforgiving and said absolutely abhorrent and vile things to you, but I will be honest, I have no excuse for that. I will also say that I did overreact in ways I shouldn't have and I will never forgive myself for the things I said and did. 

My decision in leaving was not because of you. It was because of your mother, and not in the way you're probably thinking. She asked me to leave. You're older now, so I will tell you this. Our relationship had been on the rocks for quite awhile before you coming out. I will not be specific, but we were trying to make it work. Obviously I only made it worse. So one night, your mother asked me to leave and I did. I figured it was what had to be done in order to restore what little peace could be found. I also thought of it as a way to clear my head and my life, basically. 

It might not make sense to you and maybe you've already stopped reading, but I hope you haven't. I went to Bradford and basically started over. Not so much as legitimately started over, but as much as I could. I actually started experiencing some nightmares, flashbacks of when my father hit and yelled at my brother and those tied into nightmares of me acting out towards you. 

Honest to goodness, I felt awful. I truly did, but I no way near felt as bad as you probably did. A couple months after I had left, I called your mother and tried to convince her to put you on the phone so I could speak with you, but she refused. I did not blame her. 

Eventually, I started seeing a professional therapist because my guilt was so overpowering to the point where I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I'm doing better now, but I still see a therapist. I've told her everything I've said in this letter plus some and she has been such a big help to me with the grudge I hold against myself, but this also isn't about me. 

I know you will never truly and fully forgive me for the way I treated you and I will honestly never forgive myself, but I can only hope that you'll accept my apology because I am honestly one hundred percent sincerely sorry for my words and actions and all the hell I have put you through in the past years. If you can ever find it your heart to forgive me, even when I'm dead and you're in a nursing home, it's all I ask for. 

About 6 weeks ago I moved back here from Bradford. And four days ago I got a call from a Dr. Wentz and he said how you, my son, were in the EDU of the Sanford Hospital. And I asked, well why are you calling me about it? Truth be told, though, I was ecstatic to be hearing about you, even if it was that you were in the EDU. He told me how you still hold our past against yourself and he wanted me to actually come in so we could speak and establish enough peace for you to be at peace with yourself.

I'll be honest, I was so enthralled with happiness because you do not know how long I've been waiting to see you just to express my sorrow for having treated you the way I did. Our relationship will never be the same as it was, and I understand that that is my fault. I wouldn't expect anything short of less. 

Also, know that I have a anger management problem, and grew up with one, and the time I said you were a mistake and should've been an abortion that was my anger overpowering me. I actually think strongly against abortion and you were honestly one of the best things that has ever happened to me and your mum. And its your choice if you decide to believe that or not, but it's true. I love you very much and always have. When I said and did the things I had I was convinced I was doing it out of love to show you the truth of God because "the truth hurts" and that was just something I convinced myself of. But thats not what hurt. I hope this will soon all be water under the bridge. 

Some people say forgive and forget, but a part of us never really forgets and deep down a part of us never forgives. So how about just a simple accept my apology? Its totally different from forgiving someone, but its a step in the right direction. . .I think?

Love or Sincerely (whichever way you choose to read it),

Dad.


	19. Chapter 19

Some of the ink on the paper was smeared by tears that had dropped onto it. 

"Aw, babe, don't cry." Harry reached around and brushed his thumb across Louis's cheeks, drying his tears. 

"I'm sorry." His throat was tight causing his voice only to be a mere whisper. He turned slightly so he was facing Harry now with one leg hanging off the edge of the bed and the other folded in front of him. 

"You don't have to be sorry." Harry tried to look into Louis's eyes which were focussed on the letter in his lap. "What are you thinking about?" Louis sniffled and rubbed his eyes. 

"I don't even know." He admitted and swallowed dryly. "I feel like he's sincere, but he seems like a completely different person from how he treated me." He mumbled. "He seems like how he was before I came out to him." Harry reached up and caressed Louis's cheek. Louis looked up at him and exhaled heavily. 

"Isn't that all he's ever been?" 

"No," Louis muttered somberly. "I don't know." 

"Nobody changes, they just make bad choices."

"What about good choices?" Louis asked. 

"Those aren't as dramatic." Harry joked with a small and Louis smiled back a little. 

"I read this thing once about eating disorders and the person who wrote was talking about how they tried to be anorexic, but weren't strong enough." Louis said scoffing. Harry's eyebrows furrowed questionably and he shook his head. Strong enough. Because only the strong people can starve themselves to a sickly state. When Louis first read that on his phone awhile back he was appalled, wondering how falling susceptible to your self insecurities and damaging thoughts meant you were strong.

"Are you serious?" Harry asked in disbelief that someone would say something so ignorant.

"I'm serious. I got so fucking pissed." Louis nodded. Harry laughed. 

"Wow, I sure am glad I was strong enough to destroy myself." He remarked sarcastically and Louis smiled in amusement. 

"You didn't destroy yourself." He said softly and Harry grinned. "If you destroyed yourself you'd be dead. I mean, I came to the brink of destruction practically. That's why I'm here." 

"That's why we're both here." Harry added. "Because we're strong." Louis beamed at him. Harry smiled back simper-ly and leaned in closer, slowly. Louis leaned in as well and took the initiative to close the gap, but it wasn't just a short kiss meant to be quick and only last a mere three seconds. It was more passionate. Concupiscent almost. And it felt so nice. Harry's hand was on Louis's cheek again and it felt like velvet on his skin. Soft, soft velvet he wanted to touch for an eternity. Their lips parted and tongues touched and Louis felt like he had been struck by a bolt of electricity. As did Harry. It was by far their longest and most intense kiss. If a kiss could be described as intense. . .that was just a weird way of putting it. 

Louis's hands cupped Harry's cheeks softly. Harry pulled away from the kiss, making Louis pout, and quickly pressed a kiss to his jawline then down his neck. Louis inhaled slowly, letting his hands trail back around Harry's neck and tangling his fingers in his hair. "Your skins so soft." The way Harry's lips moved against his neck tickled. His bit down gently on a bit of the skin and sucked on it, causing the softest whimper to leave Louis's lips. The smallest of small love bites was made and Harry leaned back up proudly. 

"We better stop there." Louis dodged away from Harry when he went back in to kiss him again. It was so bizarre. It was weird to kiss Harry in the setting they had been placed in. Maybe kissing him was the only way to make it seem normal, even though it wasn't. 

"Before we get caught." Harry said with a wink and Louis laughed. He placed his hands back in his lap and looked at the letter. "So, what are you gonna do about your father?" Harry asked softly.

"You can't just kiss me then start talking about my dad." Louis patronized and Harry smiled. 

"Fine then, let's talk about. . .pasta." 

"Pasta?" 

"Yes, what's your favorite type of noodle?" Harry asked and Louis laughed merrily.

"What? Who even knows the different names of noodles besides chefs?" He asked and Harry smiled, raising his hand. 

"I don't know many, but there's the bowtie pasta, and those wheel barrel shaped ones, and the angel hair pasta-"

"You are such a dork." Louis teased mid laugh and Harry just beamed even brighter.

"I am indeed." He agreed and Louis just smiled humbly. There was so much smiling in contrast to how sad he felt after reading his fathers letter. His fathers letter. His smile slowly fell and Harry looked at him solemnly. "Thinking about your dad?"

"Yeah," Louis sighed and pursed his lips together. "I don't know what to do." He admitted softly. 

"It'll come to you." Louis just sighed again and stood up, holding the letter in his hand. He walked over to his desk and placed it in the top drawer. 

"What if it doesn't?" He asked glancing back over at Harry who already had his book in his lap again and was flipping through the pages.

"Sooner or later, nothing is ever left indefinite."

"We'll see." Louis mumbled sarcastically and walked over to the door. 

"Where are you going?" Harry asked out of mere curiosity. 

"To see if I can call my mum." Louis told him before walking out into the hallway. He had to have a word with his mother. He knew there was a wall phone somewhere. Towards the front he thought. A nurse passed him and offered him a kind smile which he just ignored and walked towards the front wing of the unit where the phone came into sight. He didn't have to ask to use it right? Well if he does they'll tell him. He picked up the phone and dialed his house number. It rang three times before Lottie picked up. 

"Hello?" 

"Lottie, it's Louis." He glanced up and down the empty hallway.

"Hey! How are you doing?" She greeted cheerfully. 

"I'm well, how are you guys doing?" He asked leaning against the wall. 

"We're fine. We miss you." She said and Louis smiled at the floor sadly. 

"I miss you guys too." He said. "So listen, is mum there?" 

"Yeah, I'll go get her." The line was quiet except for the rustle of movement and soft voices in the background. 

"Louis?" 

"We've got to talk." Jay's heart seized from the seriousness of his tone. 

"What's wrong?" She asked worriedly. 

"I talked to dad." He stated and Jay was quiet. 

"I know." She spoke slowly, almost as if she didn't know exactly what she was saying until she said it and she didn't want to anger Louis in a way where he'd just hang up the phone. 

"Why didn't you tell me you've stayed in touch with him this entire time?" The asperity was thick in his tone. Jay swallowed thickly. 

"I didn't think it was something you had to know. I thought if you knew you'd get mad at me for it or resent the idea." She explained frantically like she was the one who had done something wrong.

"Why would you think that?" Louis asked. 

"I was sure you had wanted nothing to do with him and the same for us. I didn't want you to...avoid me for lack of better terms for keeping in touch." She said. "Plus, you've always had a bit of a temper problem, Lou. And it had been such a stressful time, I had just wanted you to, I don't know, relax. Simmer down." Louis rolled his eyes and inhaled slowly. 

"And why the fuck didn't you tell me you had asked him to leave?" Jay was quiet again. "I mean, this whole entire time I thought he had just up and left without a word and it was all my fault and then the other day I find out your guys marriage had been in trouble for a while and you asked him to leave. That would've been good to know. That would've been really fucking good to know. I mean, did the girls know you asked him to leave and stayed in touch?" He asked crossing his arms and bit the inside of his cheek. 

"They knew I asked him to leave." Louis scoffed loudly.

"Well that's fan-fucking-tastic, mum. Thanks for leaving me in the fucking dark." He felt his anger bubbling up and he had to bite his tongue to refrain himself from going off on some long furious rant then hanging up the phone. But he was furious. How could his mother tell his sisters that and not him? If anything, it should've been the other way around. 

"I'm sorry, I should've told you. I don't know why I didn't. It was just such a stressful and hard time for everyone and I didn't even know what to say to you-"

"How about 'Hey, Louis, I know it's tough but I actually asked your dad to leave because he was abusing you and our marriage had been in trouble or awhile now, it wasn't just a random out-of-the-blue thing because you're such a fucking disappoint.' I mean, that can't possibly be the hardest thing you've ever had to say. Did you ever think how I would feel? What I would think when I woke up and dad was just gone without any explanation? Do you have any fucking idea how horrible I felt? This entire fucking time I thought it was me. I thought he just up and left without a word to you or anyone because of me." 

"I tried repeatedly to talk to you-"

"But you didn't try to tell me that you asked him to leave." Louis interrupted. It was silent on both ends. "And you have no excuse or reason as to why."

"I know, Lou, I should have told you and I regret that I never did. I have no reason or excuse other than the fact that I didn't know how to say it. I know it shouldn't of been that hard to say, but some of the easiest phrases are the hardest to say. Would it of been that hard to tell me you needed help?" Her tone was soft and calm. Louis's was not. 

"Don't even go there, this is completely different. Completely." He retorted. 

"Maybe-"

"Maybe if you told me we wouldn't be talking through the phone right now." 

"This is not my fault." Jay replied still managing to keep a calm, but clipped, tone. 

"No, it's not. It's mine, but it's your fault that you didn't tell me." Louis somehow managed to keep his voice down. He had forgotten he was standing in the middle of an open hallway. 

"You know, this has been hard on me too. It's been hard on everyone and we've both made mistakes that we regret. I should have told you and I am sincerely sorry that I didn't, but please don't make me feel more guilty than I already do." Her tone turned somber, even a little melancholy, and Louis was taken back. He swallowed thickly and his palms grew clammy. 

"I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty, I'm sorry if I made you feel that way." He apologized softly. As furious as he was, he had no intent to make his mother feel guilty. 

"I know you would never do that purposefully." The tension made his throat feel tighter and tighter. 

"I'm sorry." He blurted out then bit his lip. Jay laughed softly. 

"You don't have anything to apologize for." She told him and Louis let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. 

"I feel like I do." He admitted quietly. 

"And for what?" He took a deep breath. 

"I don't know...everything." There was a pause. "I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed with, you know, seeing dad and finding out that information and all." 

"I understand." Jay said sincerely. Louis was quiet. "So, um, how did it go seeing him after all those years and that?" She asked quietly.

"The first time was a little rough." He shrugged. "I threw a desk lamp at him." He added with a small smile and his anger slowly simmered away. 

"Oh my goodness, you did not." Jay said smiling herself. "Louis!" 

"What? I hadn't seen him in years! I was angry!" He exclaimed and chuckled softly. 

"Well, I'm glad you were able to finally get all the anger you've kept inside you out." She said contently and Louis exhaled. He never realized how much anger he had bottled up inside himself until he realized how good he felt after yelling at his father. Not that he felt like there was a weight lifted off his shoulder and he could smile because at the time he was still extremely upset and even a little mad, but there was a lot of rage he got out. Especially when he chucked the lamp at his dad. 

"Yeah," He sighed apathetically. "So, anything else you've been keeping from me?" He asked sarcastically and Jay laughed. 

"No," She stated firmly. "Trust me." She added. "So, how did things go?" She asked again, but this time under a different context. 

"Alright I guess. Lots of yelling at first then it quieted down and we just talked." He said pursing his lips together and shrugged. "Well, more like arguing, but, I mean, it was alright I guess." 

"Well that's good." Jay said with a small smile. "So, how are you feeling just in general?" 

"Alright." Louis answered flatly. "I have to get weighed tomorrow. Really looking forward to that." He added sarcastically. He could hear his mother inhale slowly. 

"I'm just glad you're getting the help you need. I feel like its partially my fault-"

"Mum, none of it is your fault. Don't worry that is or was." Louis interrupted softly. 

"I know, it's just, I should've noticed. Or at least checked in with you to see how you were feeling, especially with the wedding and everything practically. I just, I can't believe it was as bad as it was and I had no idea and-"

"Mum," Louis interrupted again and she quieted. "Don't feel like you're a bad mother or anything just because you didn't notice. Its my fault because I didn't want you to notice, so I hid it, and even if you tried to see how I was feeling I just would've told you I was fine and left it at that." 

"I guess so," She said reluctantly. "Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if we never took you to the hospital that night." She murmured quietly.

"Me too." Louis whispered feeling his throat tighten again. "Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I never came out to dad."

"He loves you very much." She told him confidently and Louis bit his cheek. "He always has. He thought he was acting out of love with the things he did and said, and I tried to make him realize how cruel he was actually being, but nothing I did or said seemed to work."

"I know." He mumbled. "I think."

"He does." She repeated. 

"Okay." Louis said. "So, how are you guys doing?" 

"We're all doing fine here." She said contently. 

"How are you doing?" He asked. "You know, with the pregnancy and all." He clarified.

"Fine, fine." She answered tiredly. "Been dealing with a little bit of morning sickness, but nothing I can't handle." She added humorously. 

"When are you due?" He asked curiously. 

"Early July and I've got some more news; I'm having twins again! Well, they think its twins. Its not a definite yes." She exclaimed. 

"Oh, cool." Louis tried to sound excited, or at least somewhat not resentful. "They can already tell so early on?" 

"Apparently so." Jay laughed and Louis smiled a little. 

"Well, I'm glad you're doing well." He said. "I should probably go now. I'm not even sure I'm supposed to be using this phone." He laughed and Jay chuckled again. 

"Don't get in any more trouble." She scolded and Louis rolled his eyes.

"And what trouble have I gotten in?"

"Dr. Wentz has told me about your attitude. Especially when you first went in." She said. 

"Oh please, I'm sure I'm not the only person." He said crossing his arms. 

"Whatever, you know what I mean." She laughed. "Anyway, I hope you're home soon. We all do." Louis scoffed. 

"Yeah, I'm sure Dean is really looking forward to me coming home." He said sarcastically. 

"He really is." Louis rolled his eyes again. 

"Of course." He mumbled. "Well, like I said, I better go." 

"Okay, take care." She said happily. 

"You too." Louis exhaled tiredly and hung up the phone. Who knew such a simple task such as talking on the phone could take so much exertion. He stepped away from the wall before almost running smack dab into Dr. Bindle. "Whoa, sorry." Louis stumbled back then looked up at him. He did not have a pleasant appearance. 

"That's fine, pardon me." He said. "What were you doing?" He asked peering down at Louis narrowly. 

"Calling my mum." Dr. Bindle just nodded in confirmation then glanced curiously at his neck. Specifically the part where a little red mark had been made. 

"What happened to your neck?" He asked suspiciously. 

"What happened to your face?" Louis retorted childishly and Dr. Bindle gave him a scornful look. "I don't know what happened to my neck, something's just happen." He said in annoyance. Dr. Bindle just nodded and continued his stroll down the hallway. Louis made a face behind his back before walking back to his room. He was beginning to miss his old bedroom back at his house.


	20. Chapter 20

"Well, you know the deal." Damien said humorously as Louis stood in front of the scale in the small paper cover. 

"Can't we just skip a week or something?" He asked meekly. He had his arms wrapped tightly around himself. The paper robe was so small and it made him feel so open and exposed. A feeling he did not like and he would do anything to make that feeling go away.

"Sorry, have to do it weekly." Damien shrugged apathetically. "It's not so bad now though, right?" Louis bit the inside of cheek and looked down apprehensively, ultimately answering his question. 

"That doesn't mean I want to do it or anything." He said softly. 

"Let's just get it over and done with." Damien grabbed the clipboard off the counter. 

"I'm already done with all this." Louis mumbled and Damien laughed softly. 

"C'mon," He coaxed Louis up onto the scale. Louis sighed with a heavy heart and stepped up onto the scale. He closed his eyes, hearing Damien's pen scratch across his sheet a moment later. "Want to know?" He asked solemnly.

"Yes." Louis breathed out. 

"111 pounds and one ounce." He stood there, breathing heavily. "How do you feel?" Damien asked. 

"Numb." 

"That's good." Damien stated and Louis looked at him. 

"It is?" He asked unsurely. 

"Well do you feel like crying or breaking down?" Damien asked. Louis shook his head. He didn't feel anything. He literally felt numb. 

"Not yet." Damien smiled.

"Then that's good." Louis pursed his lips together. 

"So I can go now?" He asked. 

"Yes, you can go." Louis rushed into the bathroom, quick to discard the itchy paper robe. He pulled on his clothes before pausing and looking in the mirror. It felt like there was cotton in his mouth when he swallowed. He tried to smile looking at himself, but couldn't. He sighed somberly and frowned then turned his back to the mirror, leaving the bathroom and medical room. 

He walked back to his room, seeing it empty, and dropped down on his bed. He closed his eyes. It seemed like he only closed them for a second, but it was actually fifteen minutes before he opened them again as Harry stormed into the room, startling him. 

Louis sat up alarmed. 

"Are you okay?" 

"I'm fine." Harry snapped rushing into the bathroom, but he wasn't fine because Louis could see the tears in his eyes. It saddened him. He had never actually seen Harry ever cry before except the time he hit three digits at his weigh in a couple weeks ago. Louis got up from his bed and went to the closed bathroom door. He knocked softly. 

"Harry, I know you aren't fine." He said through the wood. 

"I am." Harry responded from inside. 

"Open the door." 

"I'm in the bathroom for a reason." Harry retorted and Louis smiled a little. 

"Well, is that reason to use it or to hide away?" He asked humorously. 

"To use it." Harry answered a moment later. Louis knew it wasn't because he actually had to go. 

"Well, will you open the door after you've gone?" Louis asked amused with how the conversation had turned.

"We'll see." Louis grinned and stepped away from the door. A minute later, after the toilet had flushed, Louis stepped forward and knocked on the door again gently. 

"Will you open the door now?"

"No." Harry said crossing his arms on the other side. 

"Harry, seriously, come on." He urged. "Talk to me." The doors hinges creaked eerily as Harry pulled it open. Louis stepped through the doorway, looking up at Harry. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong." Harry replied softly. 

"I could see tears in your eyes." Louis stated crossing his arms. 

"Well, I don't know if it was just the sun glinting in my eyes, but I wasn't crying." Harry said stubbornly. 

"It wasn't the sun." Louis moved between Harry and the sink counter, gazing up at him with his arms crossed tightly.

"Lou, I'm serious." Harry assured. Louis wasn't buying any of it. "I was just a little upset after my weigh in, but I wasn't crying. I'm fine." His words were saying "I'm fine," but his tone was implying something else. 

"Okay," Louis uncrossed his arms, dropping them at his sides. "So then how are you feeling now?" He asked. 

"Alright." Harry smiled weakly. "How about you?" 

"Okay." Louis shrugged. "A little numb."

"Don't we all." Harry joked. Louis smiled and hopped up on the counter. His heels hit against the cabinets underneath and Harry grinned down at him. 

"So, I was wondering if you'd come up to the roof with me tonight." Louis said reaching out and grabbing Harry's hand, lacing their fingers together. 

"Why?" He asked him curiously. 

"I don't know, its been awhile. I just want to go up again and see the stars. With you." He smiled softly. 

"Remember what happened the last time we went up?" Harry asked humorously and Louis laughed. 

"Well its not like we're going to lie down and fall asleep. Just go up for a little bit." He said. Harry leaned in and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"Okay." 

-

So after a grueling day of lunch and dinner the time to wind down came. At 7:52 Louis finished dinner then scampered off to his room and changed into his sleepwear. For the remainder of the time he, and Harry, read their books. Harry being on his 23rd book with The Dead and Burned by Kim Harrington and Louis on his second with Wheel of Darkness by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. Then, at 11:30 when it was safe, they got up and headed to the roof together. 

"Wow, it's getting cold out." Louis spoke his thoughts as he wrapped his arms around himself. Harry walked over where the blankets laid folded and picked it up. 

"Here." He unwrapped it and wrapped it around Louis himself. 

"Thank you." Louis smiled at him over his shoulder. "Aren't you cold?" 

"I'll be fine. There's always another blanket." He said shrugging. Louis grinned then turned back and walked over to the ledge. Harry walked over beside him. 

"It feels nice to breathe fresh air again." Louis said gazing up at the sky. Did the stars just seem brighter because he hadn't seen them in awhile or were they just exceptionally bright tonight? "The stars are so beautiful."

"If I had a dollar for every time you said the stars were beautiful or that you liked stars. . .," Harry teased trailing off. Louis rolled his eyes at him, laughing. 

"Sorry if I sound like a broken record." He rested his arms on the concrete ledge. He gripped the corners of the blanket tightly and braved himself against the gentle breeze. 

"I like hearing you talk about stars. Your whole tone changes." Louis glanced at him. "Your voice is so full of admiration and love, its very beautiful to listen to." He smiled at him. "So talk about stars, my darling." Harry added jokingly and Louis laughed again. "And I will listen, even if that means listening to a broken record for a million and one years." 

"I'd hug you, but I'm afraid to drop the blanket." Louis told him blushing slightly. Harry stepped behind him and wrapped his arms around him snugly, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "You make me feel so happy." Louis whispered. 

"You make me happy when skies are gray." Harry whispered back, his breath tickling his ear. 

"You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." Louis sang loudly and Harry laughed merrily. 

"You are the sun, touching everything with light and warmth." Louis's stomach was swirling and twisting and tying itself into a knot because Harry made Louis feel this way he just could not describe. It was just so indescribable. He couldn't put it into words no matter how hard he tried. There were only a few things people can't ever seem to express adequately enough through simple words and emotions were one of those things. Sometimes people can't even express them well enough to understand them themselves.

Suddenly his thoughts dissipated as the door that led onto the roof rattled open and Harry froze. Louis's breath caught before he turned around saw Elise walk out. She stepped forward a few paces before seeing them and stopped, but once she recognized Louis she relaxed and walked over. Harry unwrapped his arms from Louis and watched Elise. 

"Who is that?" He whispered to Louis quietly. 

"I met her up here once when I was alone." Louis said. "Her name is Elise. I told you about her." 

"Louis, right?" Elise asked walking up to the ledge beside them. 

"Yeah." Louis nodded with a smile. "This is Harry." 

"Hi." Elise greeted kindly. "I'm Elise." 

"It's nice to meet you." Harry said and she smiled shyly.

"Haven't seen you up here in awhile." She joked turning back to Louis. 

"Yeah, well, some stuffs happened, meaning we got caught going up here once, and so we kinda stopped coming up." 

"Aw, that sucks." She smiled thinly. "You look really good." She then said before turning bright red. "I just meant, like, you seem a lot more lively then when we first met." She clarified and they both laughed. Harry stood there awkwardly, chewing on the inside of his cheek. 

"Thanks." He said. "I feel a lot better then I did since I first came here and everything." He added.

"I can tell, you're smiling." Louis couldn't help but smile more. He felt himself blush. 

"How have you been doing?" 

"Pretty good. I'm actually getting discharged tomorrow so I thought I'd come up just one last time." 

"Oh, that's great!" Louis exclaimed and she smiled timidly. "What are you planning on doing, like, now since you're leaving?" He asked curiously. 

"I'm not sure." She answered with a shrug. "My aunts taking me in so I'm just going to try and adjust. But I'm going to look into getting enrolled in Uni." She explained. 

"That's good. That's what I want to do once I get discharged." Louis said. "Any idea what you want to major in or go into?" 

"I'm not sure, I've always wanted to be a marine biologist or go into a field similar to that." She added. "What about you?" She asked leaning against the ledge.

"I want to do something artistic like graphic design or even becoming an art teacher." He said. "Either or." They laughed. 

"What about you?" Elise asked Harry. 

"Oh, um, I don't know." He said. "I always wanted to be an English teacher." 

"English was always my favorite subject." She said and Harry smiled. 

"Mine too." 

"Mine was always art, shocker shocker." Louis joked and they all laughed together. "Okay, aren't you guys freezing? I'm freezing and I have a blanket." He stated. 

"It's a little chilly." Elise said and Harry nodded in agreement. 

"But I'd still feel warm with you in the Arctic." He whispered to Louis who flushed warm. 

"Are two like. . .?" Elise questioned gesturing between them. 

"Oh, well-" Louis stammered. 

"We're like-"

"We're not, like,-"

"Its kind of complicated-"

"But I mean-"

"Its hard to explain-"

"Its like-"

"Okay, so you two like each other?" She asked and they both nodded. "But you wouldn't say you're in a relationship?" They both nodded again. "Is that because you're in the hospital and all?" She questioned. 

"Why are girls so smart?" Louis asked making Harry laugh and Elise smile shyly. "Yes." 

"Well why do let the fact you're in a hospital hold you back?" 

"Well, its not really orthodox to be, like, in a relationship or anything. We're both still considered unhealthy so we're just kind of waiting until we both get discharged to really consider it a real serious thing, I guess? I don't know." Louis said. Harry licked his lips. 

"It's like a patients with benefits kind of thing." He joked and Louis turned to slap him in the chest. 

"Shut up," He tried to sound stern, but sounded more amused than he should've. 

"You guys are cute." She said and they both smiled. 

"I know, isn't Louis adorable?" Harry asked cheesily and Louis just couldn't control his smile. 

"Shut up." He said again grinning shyly. Elise smirked and stepped back away from the ledge. 

"Well, I'm beginning to feel a bit numb so I'm gonna head back down." She said taking a few steps back.

"Okay, good luck tomorrow." Louis wished sweetly and she smiled merrily. 

"Thanks, maybe I'll see you guys around sometime." Louis smiled.

"That'd be cool." Elise just smiled wider, nodding, before turning her back to them and walking to the door. 

"Well she seemed nice." Harry said after Louis turned around to him.

"Yeah," He agreed. "Okay, aren't you freezing? I'm serious." 

"I'm a little cold." Harry admitted rubbing his hands together. 

"Well, here." Louis took one of the corners of the blanket and wrapped it around Harry. He grasped the corner of the blanket in his hand so they were wrapped together closely. 

"Hm, so my darling broken record, care to share a dance?" Harry asked him humorously. Louis giggled and leaned into his chest before peeking up at him. 

"Dance to what? There's no music or anything." 

"There is when I look at you." Louis's face scrunched together in an adorable way causing Harry to swoon for him practically. Even though it was below freezing there was still a fire burning inside their hearts leading the way through the dark.


	21. Chapter 21

It was 3:12 in the morning and Louis and Harry were fast asleep together in Louis's bed, still wrapped the blanket from the roof. They were so warm and cozy and content...but then it felt emptily cold as Harry quietly got out of the bed, careful not to wake Louis. Louis woke up the second the bathroom door closed, though. Harry was absent from the bed leading him to believe he had walked into the bathroom. Louis relaxed against his pillow and pulled the blanket up to his chin, turning over on his side. It was so quiet he could hear a pin drop. Or a cricket chirp. Or his own heartbeat. It was just so silent. 

The only thing disrupting that silence was the sound of Harry in the bathroom, but even that quieted after a moment. The sound of his retching made Louis sit up. He listened carefully as the sound of Harry's vomiting intensified before dying down. Then a second time a minute later. Louis got out of bed and walked over to the bathroom door. 

"Harry?" He asked when it was quiet. He gently knocked on the door with his knuckle. He didn't get a response so he tried the doorknob and pushed it open. Harry was knelt down in front of the toilet, spitting into the bowl. "Are you okay?" He stepped in and crossed his arms, looking down at Harry who looked so sad. 

"I'm fine." He said hoarsely. 

"Are you sure?" Louis asked concerned. "Are you sick?" 

"I guess so." Harry mumbled. He reached up and flushed the toilet as he sat down with his legs crossed. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. 

"You didn't seem sick earlier." Louis said a little suspiciously. He knew stomach illnesses really hit you, but not so suddenly. Harry seemed fine all day, more lively than he usually was. So either Harry was lying about something or was really really good at hiding feeling under the weather. 

"Well that's the thing about stomach flu's. Once they hit you, they hit you hard." Harry looked up at Louis. 

"It's early November and we're inside all the time. How could you have gotten sick?" He asked. 

"God dammit Lou, I don't know." He snapped irritably and Louis flinched at the asperity in his tone. 

"Did you induce it?" Louis asked apprehensively. Harry's silence made him fearful. He just kept quiet and stared down at the floor. Louis's heart raced and a sudden warmth seemed to engulf his body. "Harry." He said softly and kneeled down on one knee. 

"I'm not proud." Harry turned his head to the side to avoid looking at Louis. He couldn't will himself to.

"What's wrong?" Louis asked him sympathetically. 

"I'm incorrigible." Harry muttered. 

"No you're not." Louis reached over and placed a hand on his shoulder. He swallowed thickly, almost too scared to ask his next question. "How long?" He whispered. 

"Every other day." The blue devils holding his heart captive seized their opportunity to poke their heads out, hearing Harrys sweet song being sung. 

"Since?"

"Six weeks ago, give or take." Louis gasped silently. 

"So every other day for almost a month and a half you wake up in the middle of the night to purge?" He asked quietly. Harry nodded, keeping his head down. Louis exhaled and wrapped his arms around Harry's body, pulling him closer. He placed his head against his chest and Louis nestled his cheek against the top of Harry's head. "I don't know what to say." He whispered. 

"There's nothing to say." Harry said harshly and pulled himself away from Louis. "I'm fine." He climbed to his feet.

"Harry, you're not fine." Louis stood up with him. 

"I am fine." Harry repeated sternly. 

"Obviously you're not if you've been forcing yourself to throw up every other night for the past six weeks!" Louis exclaimed furiously. Harry just looked at him, biting the inside of his cheek. His throat burned, but he was used to that. "We are here to break the disorders we brought onto ourselves, not develop new ones." Louis said calmly. 

"Some things are easier said than done." Harry retorted. 

"And something's should be said." Louis replied crossing his arms. "If you're struggling with something talk to me." 

"I'm not struggling-"

"Yes, you are." Louis rose his voice over Harry's. "You don't have to pretend to be strong when you really aren't." He whispered. "Because if you do that then you're just going to end up crashing and burning." 

"I've already crashed and burned." Harry mumbled rubbing his eye with the back of his hand. 

"We all have." Louis said softly. "Sometimes more than once. But that's okay." He added. "Promise me you'll stop this."

"I'll stop." Harry mumbled and staring at the floor. 

"Look at me and promise me." Harry sighed and looked up, staring Louis in the eyes. 

"I promise I will stop." He said wearily. 

"Can I believe you?" He couldn't.

"Yes." Louis inhaled slowly and pursed his lips together.

"Okay." He sighed. "Now wash your mouth out and come lay back down." Harry smiled thinly and turned on the sink as Louis walked back out into the room. He crawled back on top of the bed and pulled the blanket over his lap. He heard the sink turn off and saw the light go out as Harry walked back into the room. He climbed in next to Louis and pulled the blanket over himself. They both laid down on their sides, looking at each other. "What are you thinking about?" Louis asked softly. 

"Maybe we aren't striving to find perfection in a world where perfection doesn't exist." Harry whispered. "Maybe we're striving to find acceptance. Someone who accepts us."

"I accept you." Louis said quietly.

"But it's not easy to accept ourselves and the fact that our bodies are fallible and flawed." Louis licked his lips, breathing heavily.

"No, it's not." He agreed. "That's something we had to learn the hard way." He joked lightly and Harry smiled wearily. 

"If only life was more easy." He said somberly.

"If only, if only."

"A woodpecker sighs." Harry smiled and Louis looked at him questionably. 

"What?" 

"It's a poem I read in a book once." Harry explained. "If only, if only, a woodpecker sighs." He said. "Then I don't remember the rest." He laughed and Louis smiled.

"Sounds interesting."

"Everything's interesting if it piques your interest." Harry joked and Louis laughed, rolling his eyes. 

"You're such a goof." He whispered and Harry smiled at him. 

"Sometimes laughing makes things seem less painful." He said solemnly and Louis stared at him. The moon painted a perfect picture on his perfect face, dancing the way his heart did. 

"I am a rock and a rock feels no pain." He replied softly. He gripped the edge of the blanket tightly. 

"I was a rock, but then someone broke me down and now I'm sand." Harry muttered and Louis swallowed thickly. 

"Anything that can fall apart can be put back together. And anything that can be put together can fall apart." He said slowly. "Elise told me that once." 

"She seems pretty wise." Harry remarked. "Why was she in this hospital?" He asked curiously.

"She said she was raped and, I don't know, somehow her mother ended up attacking the guy and the guy actually ended up killing her mother." Harry's eyes widened. 

"Oh my goodness, that's awful." He gasped.

"I know." 

"That sounds pretty traumatic." Harry whispered. "Be enough to make any person. . .fall apart." He mumbled. 

"Sometimes we have to break in order to be put back together." Louis said then exhaled. Harry sighed and was quiet for a moment. 

"Imagine something you love broken and destroyed." He finally said and Louis looked at him intently. "Because in the end that's what it'll be." 

"That's a little depressing." Louis said quietly and swallowed thickly.

"But when you realize it's broken then every moment with it is precious." Harry added. "Wait-" He then said and Louis watched him curiously. "I am a rock and rock feels no pain, that's a lyric from a song right?" He asked and Louis smiled. "I Am A Rock by Simon and Garfunkel." A slow smile spread across Harry's lips. 

"Yeah," Louis nodded, his smile widening. 

"I am a rock and a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries." Harry sang softly. "I have no need for friendship, friendship causes pain. Its laughter and its loving I disdain." He sang. 

"I can't believe you actually know that song." Louis laughed. 

"I can't believe you have such a good taste in music." Harry teased grinning at him. 

"I could say the same for you. I mean, you like Elvis, The Fray, Zack Hemsey-"

"Have you ever heard Save The Last Dance by The Drifters?" Harry asked him. 

"No, I don't think so." Louis shook his head slowly. 

"Well, you should listen to it sometime. Its so good, one of my absolute favorites." Louis smiled at him maliciously and Harry looked back questionably. 

"Will you sing a bit of it?" Louis asked smirking and Harry chuckled before taking a deep breath. 

"But don't forget who's taking you home, and in his arms you're going to be. So darlin' save the last dance for me." Harry sang softly. He had such a deep and beautiful voice. 

"Oh, I know that song! It was on Queer as Folk!" Louis exclaimed. 

"Did you just say Queer as Fuck?" Harry asked bewildered. 

"No," Louis said laughing in amusement. "Queer as Folk." He clarified. "It's a TV show. There's two versions: the UK one and the US on. The US one is so much better."

"Hmm, don't think I've ever heard of it." Harry said with a quizzical smile.

"Yeah, I found the UK one on YouTube and saw there was a US version and I found that one Netflix so I'd just sit in my room and watch it on my laptop." Louis shrugged. "It's so good. And sad." 

"What's it about?" Harry asked curiously. 

"Well, it's about this group of gay friends in Pittsburgh and this one guy goes to clubs a lot and sleeps with a lot of people, well, they all do, but on the one guy it kind focuses on, he sleeps with this one guy who's 17 and it just kind of focuses on their relationship which is really complicated and stuff. It sounds confusing and weird, but it's so sweet! Brian and Justin, the two main characters, are so adorable! And the end is so sad. I totally cried." Harry watched Louis talk with amusement. He was so adorable when he talked so animatedly. He so lively, so gleeful. It was really admirable. 

"Well it sounds interesting." He said and Louis smiled. 

"Yeah, and they play that song Save The Last Dance in the prom scene. Oh my goodness, the prom scene is so sad." He droned on and Harry laughed. 

"What happens?" 

"Okay, so Justin is 18 and Brian is 30 and Justin invites him to his prom, which he turns down, but then surprises him by showing up. It's really cute. And so they dance to that song then walk out to his car and they're all cute and kiss and stuff and it's really romantic. And then Brian gets in his car and Justin starts walking away smiling brightly and Brian is watching him from the side mirror when he sees this other guy walk behind him with a baseball bat. So Brian jumps out of the car but the guy swings the bat at Justin and hits him in the head and he's unconscious and its really really sad. Seriously, me just describing it does not do it justice. Once we're out of here you're watching it." Louis said and Harry chuckled with a simper smile.

"You're so cute." He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Louis's forehead, instantly mellowing his mood.

"Shut up," He said modestly and turned his head into the pillow to hide his smile and pink cheeks. Not that Harry could decipher the color in his cheeks with the gray tone that the dark of night mixed with moonlight gave the room. 

"And you're so adorable when you do that." Harry teased and Louis turned his head slightly to peek at Harry. 

"Do what?" He asked. 

"Like, get all giddy and hide your face in the pillow. It's really darling." 

"Stop it, you're making me blush." Louis said hiding his face again. Harry grinned and moved a little closer to him subtly. The bed was already so small and Harry just wanted to be close to him. He still had that horribly gross taste and burn in the back of his throat, but lying beside Louis made him forget all about it.

"You're cute when you blush." He whispered. 

"Oh my gosh." 

"Aw, look at that smile!" Harry exclaimed teasingly. 

"Shut up!" Louis cried into his pillow. He was just smiling so wide his face actually hurt. He didn't know his face could hurt from smiling. 

"Shut up about what? I just want to see your beautiful smile." Louis peeked over at him again. "I mean, just look at your smile." He teased and Louis was turning his face into his pillow. 

"Stop it!" He groaned. Harry moved even closer and wrapped his arm around Louis, rolling him over. "Harry, stop it!" Louis exclaimed in delight. 

"Why? Are you ticklish?" Harry taunted. He squeezed Louis's side playfully which sent Louis into a fit of laughter and tossing and turning around trying to pry Harry's hand away so he could breathe. 

"Stop it!" Louis tried to say through his hearty laughter. Harry unwrapped his arms from around Louis and watched his gay expression diminish into a more content one. He was lying awfully close to Harry, practically pushed against him. He sighed contently and turned on his side to face Harry again. 

"I have never loved a persons laugh more than I love yours." Harry said breathlessly. 

"Well, you're the only one who's ever made me genuinely laugh." Harry smiled. That made him feel very happy. He made Louis laugh and laughter was derived from happiness and joy and amusement. 

Louis leaned in and kissed Harry's lips softly. When Harry opened his eyes again Louis wasn't smiling as he was more melancholy looking. "I'm tired." He yawned. 

"Goodnight, my little broken record." Harry teased and Louis cracked another small smile. 

"Goodnight, my little dork." He joked. He closed his eyes and cuddled up to Harry, curling into him. "So, you promise you'll stop making yourself throw up? It makes me sad to think of you struggling." He asked quietly. Harry looked at him, but Louis kept his eyes closed and head curled in as if he were sleeping. 

"Well, if I don't struggle a little am I really getting better?" Harry asked solemnly.

"I'm serious, Harry." 

"Me too." Harry sighed. "And I promise." 

"I'm going to hold you to that." And Louis meant that with all his heart and soul. Harry just inhaled softly before kissing Louis's forehead and closing his eyes.


	22. Chapter 22

Louis and Harry were sound asleep, cuddled into each other. Louis's head was touching Harry's chest and Harry had a protective arm stretched out over Louis. 

It was a cozy moment. Except it was 8:12. 

Nurse Ingrid opened the door and turned on the light switch. Louis flinched at the brightness and pulled the blanket up over his eyes.

"Turn the fucking light off." He hissed and Harry stirred awake slowly. 

"You two need to get up and go to breakfast. It's almost 8:15 already." Ingrid said sternly. 

"Oh no. We're fifteen minutes late. Heaven forbid." Louis replied sarcastically and didn't move a limb. 

"I'm serious. Get up now." She scolded and Louis groaned. Harry still hadn't said anything or moved a muscle. He was still half asleep. 

"But I'm tired." Louis whined. 

"We all are, but you have to get up." He groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes. 

"C'mon Haz, wake up." He said nudging Harry and Nurse Ingrid smiled a little which went unnoticed by Louis. 

"Come to the dayroom asap, before anyone else has to come check on you." 

"Yeah, yeah," Louis mumbled waving her off. She rolled her eyes and stepped out of the room, keeping the door open. "Haz," Louis grumbled nudging him again. "Get up. We have to go eat breakfast." Harry just grunted and rolled over on his stomach, hiding his face in the pillow. "Harry." Louis stood up on the bed. "Get up!" He exclaimed jumping up and down on the mattress. 

"Stop." Harry groaned tossing over on his back. He grinned up at Louis lazily who plopped back down on his rump. 

"We gotta go to the dayroom. We're late because we slept in." He said as Harry sat himself up. 

"Your hair looks all cute when it's messy." He said and Louis gave him a patronizing smile, rolling his eyes. 

"Well, that's not relevant." Harry grinned tiredly. He leaned over and kissed Louis's lips quickly. 

"Morning." He whispered leaning back. 

"Morning." Louis felt as if he were floating on a cloud. "We better go." He then said standing up. He even felt like he was walking on air. Harry got up off the bed and followed after Louis down the hallway. When they walked into the dayroom all heads turned to them. Louis bit the inside of his cheek self-consciously and walked to the table. Harry sat down across from him at the end. The plates were brought out to them and they both grimaced. 

"Is that sex hair, I see?" Morgan asked sarcastically and Louis and Harry both turned bright red. 

"No, it's called bed head, shut up." Louis snapped and she chuckled. 

"Whatever you say," She sing-songed. Louis rolled his eyes and combed his fingers through his hair, trying to somewhat tame it. Harry just chuckled and picked up his toast, taking a bite. 

"But what are the odds you'd both sleep in?" Macy asked teasingly. 

"Sometimes when we can't sleep we talk, there for leading to the result of sleeping in." Harry fired back sarcastically and she laughed. 

"C'mon, we know you two slept in the same bed." Macy said nonchalantly as if it were no big deal. 

"What? How?" Harry asked bewildered and she smiled sinisterly. 

"Well, Patricia was in the laundry room and when she was walking back I guess she saw you two through the window on the door, which she then told Claire and Eleanor which quickly spread to Morgan and Jay Lynn and pretty soon we all knew. And saw. So you can't deny it." She taunted smirking. 

"Wait, you all watched us sleep through the window?" Harry asked incredulously. 

"No, we didn't watch you. We just, like, peeked in to see. It was cute." Macy said. Louis groaned, picking up his toast and shoving it in his mouth, taking a bite. 

"It really was. You guys are adorable." Morgan said and the others nodded. Nodded. As in they agreed. So much for keeping it on the down low or just between them. 

"Wow, okay," Louis rose his voice taking another bite of his toast. 

"I knew you guys would end up together." Macy said casually. 

"Wow, yeah, okay." Louis repeated. "We are not together-" 

"C'mon now, you aren't fooling anyone." Jay Lynn said placing her fork down. 

"I'm serious." Louis grit his teeth. 

"Yeah, yeah," She waved him off. 

"Seriously Lou-" Macy started.

"Seriously," He mocked. "Stop sticking your nose in business that doesn't apply to you." 

"Hey, I thought we were friends. Friends share stuff like this." Macy said and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"We're not close friends." He mumbled. 

"Well we could be if you weren't such a bitch sometimes." She snapped under her breath, but everyone heard.

"Macy." Harry warned in a low tone. Louis bit the inside of his cheek and turned his head down, looking off to the side at the floor. 

"Well I'm sorry, but I'm getting sick and tired of him biting off everyone's heads if they say one wrong thing he doesn't like. He needs to lighten the fuck up and calm down because half the time he gets worked up over nothing." She grabbed her napkin, dabbing it against her lips then crumpled it and tossed it onto her plate. The entire table had gone radio silent, a long time ago actually, and it couldn't have been more awkward. 

"Just because it's nothing to you doesn't mean it is to someone else." Harry whispered quietly. Louis felt like his throat was closing and he had swallowed cotton, but it wasn't going down. And it burned, as well as his eyes. Everything was blurred with tears that were one the verge of falling if he blinked. 

"I'm just saying." She said dismissively. 

"Just saying things can seriously hurt some people." Harry tried to keep his voice low so others wouldn't hear, but it was already so quiet that Harry's voice seemed like it was getting played over a speaker. A loud speaker. And it sucked. 

"Has he heard half the things he's said?" Macy asked glancing at Harry condescendingly. 

"Seriously, this is petty, let's just drop it." He said with growing annoyance. 

"Whatever, I'm done." She stood up with her plate in her hands. She handed it to one of the nurses who stepped forward before walking off briskly. 

"That couldn't of ended on a more dramatic note." Morgan commented. Harry shot her a threatening look and she just shrugged, spooning the last of her eggs into her mouth. And just like that, it seemed like everyone suddenly finished as Morgan, Patricia, Claire, and Annabel got up and got rid of their plates before leaving. And left behind was Liz, Jay Lynn, and Eleanor. 

"Someone's on their period." Jay Lynn remarked and everyone cracked a smile. Well, everyone but Louis. Harry looked at him and his expression fell. 

"Louis," He spoke softly, but he didn't respond. He reached out, with the intention of brushing his hair out of his eyes, but Louis recoiled away from his touch. 

"Don't." He said under his breath. His tone was so soft and so sad. 

"Lou," Harry said again. "Babe-"

"Seriously? Don't even right now." Louis snapped turning his head even further to the side so he didn't have to look at Harry. The tension has astounding. There could not be any more tension then there already was. A few minutes passed and soon the only people remaining at the table were Louis and Harry. Harry picked away at his food at a normal rate whereas Louis hadn't moved from his position of sulking at the ground.

But he had finished his toast. That was a plus. 

"Louis," Harry tried again once his plate was empty and Louis still had yet to finish something other then his dry toast which still left a gritty feeling in his mouth. 

"I know you want to help and all, or something, but let's please just drop it." Louis said softly and continued to stare down at his plate. Harry exhaled exasperatedly and stood up without another word. He turned in his plate then left the dayroom, leaving Louis by myself. 

But Louis actually finished in somewhat of a timely manner. Only thirty minutes after Harry left. Which to him was like a new record or something. He was troubled though. Harry was in the room and he didn't really want to see him. Or anyone. He just wanted to crawl in a hole and sleep forever. Or die. Either one would work. 

So for an hour and ten minutes he sat in the dusty old couch continuously flipping through channel after poor quality channel until group therapy rolled around. Then he spent another hour being tortured with talk about the importance of talking and communication. 

Louis was zoned out the entire, though. His gaze fixated on the ground and he crossed his arms hotly, tuning out everyone's voices. Once it was over he was the first one out of the room (and not just because he had to go to the bathroom). He walked into the bathroom and did his normal duties, but after washing his hands he stopped and just looked in the mirror. His eyes were very red still and some of his tears had dried on his cheeks, giving him an obvious look that he had been previously crying. He didn't like looking like that. He didn't like looking how he ever did period. 

With a sad sigh, and after splashing some cold water on his face, he dried it with a towel and opened the door again. He stepped out before stopping in his tracks as Macy was standing in front of the door in the room. 

"Can we talk?" She asked meekly. Louis grit his teeth.

"I'd love to talk but I'm afraid I might be a bitch and bite your head off." He replied sarcastically and quickly glanced away. He walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge. Macy took the liberty to walk over to the bed and sit down. Louis glanced away. 

"I'm sorry I snapped at you this morning." She apologized sincerely. Louis glanced back at her discreetly before sighing and actually turning towards her. 

"Its okay. I'm sorry I kind of bit your head off and all." He said solemnly. 

"It's okay." She smiled warmly. 

"Yeah, well, I guess I do tend to have an attitude." He joked and she laughed. 

"Keep it sassy, not trashy." She joked back and Louis cracked a smile. "But seriously, I didn't mean what I had said. I've just been going through my own stuff and all and yes, it's that time of month. I just. . .I'm sure I made you upset." She pouted. 

"It's not like you're the first person to ever make me upset or anything." Louis replied pursing his lips into a thin smile. 

"But still, I don't like making people upset." She said. "Its just, you get so defensive about, like, you and Harry and all, and it kind of pisses me off, but that's my own problem. I tend to be a little controlling." She admitted timidly. "But why do you get so defensive?" She asked curiously. Louis shrugged. 

"I don't know." He said. "I'm afraid of playing it up to be some fantasy that doesn't last." 

"I'm sure it'll last. He really likes you." She added with a small smile. 

"I'm just afraid it won't last outside the hospital." He frowned. "That once we're both released we'll just go our separate ways and that'll be it." Louis sighed and fell over on his back, placing his arms across his stomach. He stared up at the ceiling and Macy giggled at him.

"I'm sure he's afraid of that happening also." She suggested. 

"I know, but it doesn't seem like he is." Louis said sighing again. "He seems so optimistic about it, like it's all set in stone." He added. "That once we're released we can actually be together. Like, together-together. But what if we do end up going our separate ways? What if he gets released before me and while I'm still stuck here he finds someone else or something? What if-"

"We can sit here and play the what if game all day, but it won't change anything." Macy interrupted and Louis looked up at her. "No matter how many what ifs we say it won't change the future and we can't live in the future. We have to live in the present and cherish everything we have now instead of wasting it worrying if we'll have it later on." She said. "And if it turns out you won't, then that's just how it goes. You can't force fate to conform to the idea of what you want." 

"I wish I could." Louis mumbled and Macy chuckled, smiling down at him. 

"I think we all do." She said. "If I could change fate then I'd have myself dancing for Bolshoi in Russia instead of being here." 

"If I could change my fate I'd have myself content with my body and in uni or something." He said. "With Harry." 

"That's cute." Macy spoke in a sweet tone. Louis pursed his lips in a thin smile again. "I'd be surprised if you and Harry didn't continue outside of this hospital. He really likes you." She said again and Louis looked up at her.

"I just hope he likes me enough." He said somberly. "I mean, just because someone says something now doesn't mean they'll mean it later on." 

"Harry's complex." She reached down and brushed her fingers through his dull hair. "He only says how he's feeling or what's on his mind if it doesn't expose his vulnerability." Louis looked at her peculiarly. Enticed. 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean, he's one of those people who only care about making sure others feel good about themselves and all, but not himself. He puts other people's wellbeing above his own. He just keeps everything to himself and it's like he's afraid to admit he's struggling or needs help. He doesn't like saying that he isn't okay." She explained still combing her fingers through his hair softly.

"Why not?" 

"I don't know," Macy sighed. "I think maybe it's because he's used to making sure everyone else is fine. We went to school together and I know he had inconsistency with his father, and I think the way he is is because he spent a lot of time making sure his mother was okay." Louis blinked slowly, listening intently. "I also think is because he thinks that if he keeps saying he's fine then it'll come true. Plus, like I said, he cares more about how other people are feeling. It's almost as if he feels like he has be strong or okay for them."

"I didn't know you guys knew each other before coming here." Louis spoke softly.

"Yeah, we were friends and stuff, but we weren't really that close. Then we graduated and didn't really see each other again, but then I was admitted here and about three weeks later I saw him walk into the dayroom and I was really surprised." 

"Wow, I didn't know that." He said in disbelief. 

"Yeah," Macy smiled happily. "So I kind of understand him, but it's kinda hard to understand someone who doesn't share anything with anyone. But if they don't share anything then there's nothing to really understand, I guess." She said shrugging simply.

"If he doesn't share anything then how do you know he has anything to share?" Louis asked. 

"He's in here for heavens sake. You mean to tell me you don't think he keeps stuff just to himself? I mean, if he were to share anything with anyone I'd venture to guess he'd talk to you." 

"I caught him inducing vomiting in the middle of the night the other day." Louis said softly and Macy froze. 

"Oh my goodness, are you joking?" She gasped. 

"No." Louis swallowed thickly. "He said he had been doing it every other day for six weeks." He felt tears sting his eyes. 

"And the doctors have no idea?!" She exclaimed raising her tone.

"I don't know, I don't think so. But don't tell anyone! Obviously he didn't want me to know, I'm pretty sure he doesn't want anyone else to know. Don't tell anyone. Even the doctors. I swear." 

"Louis, this is serious. We can't let him keep doing this, we should at least tip off a doctor or something." Macy suggested crossing her arms. 

"Don't." Louis warned. "I mean, he promised me he'd stop. If I catch him again then I'll mention it to one of the doctors." He stated. "I'm serious. Please don't tell anyone." Macy was quiet for a moment and Louis's heart was beating rapidly. 

"Fine." She agreed reluctantly. "But if you catch it again you better fucking tell me." She threatened and Louis chuckled. 

"Okay, I will." He said in a tone that suggested he wouldn't. And he wouldn't. He hoped he wouldn't have to because Harry promised him. But if he knew anything about promises its that they don't exist.

"I'm serious, Lou."

"I am too." Louis said chuckling. She flicked him in the head and he flinched. "Hey!" He exclaimed sitting up on his elbows. 

"Don't say you didn't deserve it." She joked sticking her nose in the air. "So, we good?" She asked. Louis smiled. 

"We're good." He said and she smiled gleefully, clapping her hands together. 

"Good, because although we may not be close, I like you and would like to be good friends." Louis smiled, sitting up. 

"O-M-G, you like me?" He asked childishly and she laughed merrily. "Like or like-like?" He teased. 

"Just like." She joked. "Wouldn't want to get on Harry's bad side by making him jealous." She winked playfully and Louis laughed in amusement. 

"Sorry, you aren't my gender." Louis teased smiling spitefully. 

"Oh no, how will I be able to sleep at night?" She asked in feign sadness and held a hand to her forehead in dismay.

"You'll find a way." 

"People always do." 

-

"So, how are you doing?" Louis asked. 

"Fine." Harry answered. It was 11:56 and after an excruciating day of lunch, dinner, and his meeting with Dr. Wentz, Louis was just relieved to have Harry lying beside him cozily. Harry was lying on his back and Louis was on his stomach lying next to Harry with an arm around his torso and his head on his shoulder. "So, you and Macy talk?" 

"Yeah, we're good now." Louis said sighing contently. 

"That's good." Harry pressed a soft kiss Louis almost couldn't feel on the top of his head 

"Yeah." He said trailing off. "So, talk to me."

"About what?" Harry asked curiously. 

"Just, you know, everything you don't say." Louis replied softly.

"What do you mean?" Harry asked defensively and sat up on his elbows. Louis adjusted and propped up on his forearms as well.

"I mean that you're like one of those people who keep a lot of stuff inside and don't talk-"

"Hey, I talk to you a lot about stuff I've kept inside." Harry interrupted indignantly.

"But not much. I've shared so much with you and sometimes you'll add stuff but a lot of what you say is just stuff that makes me feel better and all." Louis was refraining from raising his tone, but Harry was not. "Example, when I caught you inducing vomiting. You just kept repeating that you were fine and promised to stop. Well sometimes it helps to stop if you get everything weighing you down off your chest."

"Well what do you want me to say?" Harry asked him sternly. Louis bit the inside of his cheek. 

"Anything. Say anything that you've kept to yourself and haven't told anyone." Harry sat there for a moment, contemplating, and Louis listened to his steady breathing.

"I think pigeons have feelings." He stated stoically before breaking out into a goofy grin. He chuckled and Louis rolled his eyes at him.

"I'm serious." He said clearly unamused.

"Lou, I'm fine, don't worry about it." Harry simply waved him off and Louis gave him a threatening glance.

"Harry, none of us are fine or else we wouldn't be here." Harry swallowed thickly and just stared down at him. 

"We weren't fine coming in, it doesn't mean we still are." 

"And some of us still aren't fine." Louis retorted shortly. 

"I'm fine." Harry stated in a soft tone. 

"Then say it like you mean it." Louis instructed. 

"I'm fine." Harry repeated sternly. 

"No, you aren't." He knew Harry was lying, it was easy to decipher in his tone. 

"Why the fuck would you listen to me say, 'I'm fine' then tell me that I'm not?" Harry asked in a tone hard with asperity. 

"Because anyone whose been making themselves throw up for over a month is not fine." Louis stated gazing up at him. 

"Why are you so fucking keen on if I'm fine or not?" Harry snapped and Louis scoffed. 

"Are you kidding? You're actually asking why I care if you're fine or not?" He asked in disbelief. 

"Not necessarily. It's just…why are you so keen on me talking and 'not keeping everything inside me'?" He asked, confused on why Louis was suddenly so keen. 

"Because I want to be able to be there for you the way you are for me." Louis told him sternly. "Seriously, you don't have anything you keep to yourself that's weighing you down or holding you back? What exactly drove you to start induce vomiting?" 

"So what? You want me to have problems so you can have a chance to feel like a fucking hero?" Louis felt like a knife had pierced his heart and the blue devils were twisting it around and around, creating a bigger casualty. 

"That is not what I said." Louis replied softly. "I just want to talk. To you." 

"We talk all the time." Harry stated and Louis sighed. 

"No, like, half the time I talk and you listen and, like, make me feel better." At least, that's how Louis felt it always went. 

"So what? I like to be helpful, sorry I'm such a horrible fucking person." Harry snapped rolling his eyes. 

"Oh my goodness, you are taking this completely the wrong way, that is not what I'm trying to say!" Louis exclaimed now getting frustrated with Harry. 

"Then what the hell are you trying to say?" Harry fired back in a stern, but somewhat calm, tone of voice. 

"Why are you getting so mad?" Louis asked looking up at him. 

"I'm getting mad because you're pushing me to admit problems I don't have." Harry retorted angrily. 

"That is not what I'm trying to do, I just want you to talk to me." Louis defended. "Macy even said it herself, she said you put other people's wellbeing above your own and that you don't like to admit that you're struggling or not fine-"

"Oh, so I have fucking Macy to thank for filling your head with shit-"

"It's not shit, Harry! When she said that it made sense!"

"Well isn't that ironic, it made sense." Harrys tone was dripping with sarcasm and Louis took a deep breath. "Everything makes sense until something happens to make it not make sense! Like hey, I want to be skinnier so it only makes sense to skip meals-oh, just kidding! It doesn't make sense anymore because now you're anorexic and in a fucking hospital!" Louis had never seen Harry so angry and quite honestly he didn't like it one bit. Of course, no one liked anyone when they were angry, but especially Harry. Where was the sweet boy who told him the stars were in his eyes and that looking at him made him hear music? 

"This is different than that-"

"No it's not." Harry snapped. "Like hey, that guy likes listening to other people's problems as opposed to having someone else listen to his own. Wow, that makes a lot of sense, but let me go and try to force him to talk! But wait, he doesn't have a fucking thing to say-"

"You've been fucking making yourself throw up for over 6 weeks, Harry!" Louis interrupted. His heart was his throat and his pulse was making it almost hard to hear. "You cannot convince me that you have absolutely nothing to say when I have no idea what would drive you to do that!" Harry was quiet. "I mean, I have somewhat of an idea obviously, but I am surprised with you." Harry rolled his eyes. He didn't know why, but he was furious. He didn't know where his anger as coming from, though! It was just...there. 

"Whatever." Harry pulled the blanket off himself and stood up, causing Louis's heart to stop. 

"Haz," He quickly turned over and sat up with his legs crossed. 

"Just fucking drop it. I swear to God." Harry exclaimed walking across the room to his own bed. He ripped the blanket back and crawled in still seething with anger he wasn't even sure where was coming from. 

With a heavy heart Louis laid back down by himself and tried to hold back his tears.


	23. Chapter 23

The only thing worse than the fight last night was the aftermath in the morning. 

The tension was so heavy and the dread was unbearable, Louis almost wasn't sure if he could get up or not. He glanced at the clock seeing he still had about two hours until breakfast. 

He could hear Harry stirring around on the other side of the room before he stood up. Louis watched him stand up and stretch his back. Once Harry turned to walk into the bathroom his gaze caught with Louis's. Their eyes locked and Louis's heart stopped. Both their expressions were pretty stoic, but Harry's was more stern, like he was almost glaring at Louis. 

He walked across the room, glancing away from Louis, and walked into the bathroom. It felt like there was a pressure pressing against his chest. Or his heart. He turned over on his other side and closed his eyes. The day hadn't even started yet and he was already hoping it would end so he could sleep again. He just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep. Sleep away all his problems and bad feelings and just everything that was weighing him down. He was like a ship at the bottom of the ocean refusing to sink. 

He had fallen asleep before Harry ever left the bathroom, but once he woke up he froze seeing it was 8 on the dot. He quickly scrambled out of bed and rushed into the dayroom. Everyone was all seated with their plates and Louis walked over, taking his usual seat on the end, across from Harry. His plate was set in front of him and he bit the inside of his cheek. How'd they go from sharing a morning kiss to not even looking at each other? He wished he could read minds so he knew what Harry was thinking. Or maybe Harry wasn't thinking anything. Maybe he was thinking a million things at once. Only Harry knew. 

Louis stared down at his plate sadly and picked up his toast, taking a bite. All the girls were chatting away animatedly and Louis tried to drown out the sound of their happy toned voices. If there was one persons voice still ringing in his ears, it was Harry's. And not the good ringing of sweet words. It was his harsh words. Louis shook his head slightly and focused on his plate. Yes, he was actually focussing on his plate. Of food. The world was turning upside down. 

One of the things he grew uneasily aware of was the increasing tension as others finished their plates and left the table ultimately leaving Louis and Harry alone in silence. But the problem with tension is that it can just keep building and building until it's finally released one way or another.

Which is exactly what happened.

-

Louis still hated group therapy with the same amount of passion he had when he first started there. He found it so unbelievably stupid and pointless. Was it actually helping them? No. At least it didn't seem like it was. All they ever did was talk about stupid irrelevant topics and do those blasted journal "assignments".

Of course, yesterday's "chat" had to do about talking and communication. The fucking irony. Of course, it wasn't ironic yesterday. But today it was. And the "assignment" was to write, or at least think about, why communication is so important in today's society. And of course, Dr. Wentz made everyone go around and say what they thought and everyone said communication is important because its not healthy to keep everything to yourself. Some things have to be said. Its important to share things with others because it strengths your relation with said person. And everyone pretty much said something along those lines. Except Harry.

"I don't think communication is important." He stated and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"What kind of communication?" Dr. Wentz asked. 

"Any." 

"So you don't think its important for those in a relationship or married to talk or communicate?" Dr. Wentz pressed. 

"Communication between people is different than communication with people." Harry said with his arms crossed tightly across his chest. 

"Please elaborate." Dr. Wentz simply replied and Harry sighed. 

"We aren't compelled or bound by an invisible law to tell anyone anything." He just said making Louis scoff. 

"That is so stupid." He spoke up beginning to feel his anger bubble and everyone's attention turned to him. 

"Why is it?" Dr. Wentz asked.

"Just because you don't have to tell anyone anything doesn't mean you shouldn't." He said. "They say communication is key for a reason. Everything today is built on the communication of. . .everyone." 

"Communication is bullshit." 

"Your opinion on communication is bullshit." Louis fired back. Maybe it wasn't appropriate to let his anger from the night before carry over into the group therapy with everyone else present. But Harry didn't have to sound so bitter about saying communication was bullshit and unimportant. He knew exactly what he was doing. 

Everyone in the circle swallowed thickly, eyes widened in shock. They all wished they could secretly sneak away, but a part of them wanted to watch what was about to unfold. It was the most drama any of them had seen in a long time. 

"You know what's bullshit? The media communicating that weight equates happiness." Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Yes, but that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about communication between two people." He fired back. Harry grit his teeth. 

"Well then why should everything revolve around what I say?" He asked sternly.

"Everything doesn't revolve around what you say, but it plays a pretty big role." Louis retorted. 

"Not that big of role." Harry said dismissively and cast his glance elsewhere. 

"Just because you think communication is unimportant doesn't mean it is." Louis replied calmly. 

"Look around, where are you fucking sitting?" Harry snapped harshly and looked at Louis sternly. "You think communication is so important? Tell me then why you're sitting here if you think talking and not keeping anything to yourself plays such a big role in life." 

"Hey now-" Dr. Wentz tried to intervene. 

"That is completely different." Louis rose his voice over Dr. Wentzs attempt to cut him off. 

"Really? Because I don't think it is." 

"Then call me a fucking hypocrite." Louis said rolling his eyes in annoyance. 

"Fucking hypocrite." 

"Harry-" Dr. Wentz tried again more firmly. 

"What the hell crawled up your asshole and died?" Louis snapped crossing his arms as well. His chest hurt from how heavily he was breathing and the pressure in his head was constantly increasing. He had quite frankly forgotten they were sitting in the group therapy circle. He felt it was just him and Harry sitting in a room alone together. "Your progress in recovery?" Louis asked austerely. Harry glared at him, gritting his teeth. 

"What crawled up yours? Your father?" Louis's jaw dropped and his eyes widened at Harry's audacity. Is this really how Harry acted when he was angry?

"You fucking son of a bitch!" He shouted. "The reason you never talk is because you're to busy sticking your fingers down your throat!" Peoples breaths caught and Harry's face dropped. 

"Shut up!" He hollered hastily.

"You shut up!" Louis yelled back childishly. 

"Whoa, wait, backup." Dr. Wentz spoke with a spinning head. 

"Backup to what? The part about Harry sticking his fingers down his throat?" Louis asked cynically. "Yeah, Harry has been inducing vomiting for six weeks every other night. For six fucking weeks. You're a fucking doctor, how could you let that slide for six weeks?" He asked incredulously. "Like seriously, we're all here because we obviously need help, but all you guys seem to think is that forcing us to eat and making us endure your pathetic group therapy is going to make us all better. But it doesn't! I haven't been feeling better or anything at all and I'm sure as hell Harry hasn't either. I can't speak for the others, but that shouldn't matter." Louis exclaimed indignantly. "So why don't you do your fucking job and help us?" He spat clenching his jaw. Instead of waiting for him to say anything, or anyone, he rolled his eyes and stood up. With a tight throat he turned around and stormed out of the room. Harry had his face in his hands and Dr. Wentz inhaled and exhaled softly. 

"You guys can go." He said quietly. Without even a single noise all the girls got up and hurried to their rooms. Harry stayed behind, his head in his hands, because he knew what Dr. Wentz was going to say next. "Harry, you can come with me." 

Louis had stormed into the room and started pacing around like a paranoid maniac. He felt like he was running a rut in the floor (which he probably was) and stopped, facing the wall with the window. The sun was bright, but the sun was not shining. 

He froze when he heard a soft knock on the metal doorframe and turned around slowly. Macy, along with Morgan, Jay Lynn, and Liz, were standing there timidly. He exhaled slowly and tried to swallow the never ending lump in his throat. 

"Hey there," Macy said in a soft tone. "You okay?" She asked sincerely. 

"Okay as I can be." Louis mumbled somberly and forced a thin smile.

"What, like, happened back there?" Liz asked seriously. They all piled into the room but stayed congregated around the door. 

"I don't even fucking know." Louis admitted shrugging his shoulders apathetically. He'd like to know what had happened, but he wasn't really sure. He wasn't sure about anything anymore. 

"Well, you guys were fine yesterday." She suggested meekly.

"It's crazy just how fast the night changes." Louis said sarcastically. 

"Well, what happened last night?" Jay Lynn asked speaking up. 

"I don't know," Louis mumbled looking down. "I tried to talk to him last night and get him to open up, because I had caught him making himself throw up the night before, but he got pissed and said I was pushing him to admit problems he "didn't" have so I could feel like a hero." He added softly.

"Are you serious?" She asked in disbelief and all of them looked a little weary and uneasy.

"Yeah," Louis nodded somberly and looked down at the ground. He bit the inside of his cheek.

"Well, Harry doesn't get angry easily, but once he's mad, he's mad." Macy said pursing her lips together. 

"Yeah, well, if people never fight what does that really say about their friendship or relationship?" Louis said shrugging. 

"But still, that was a little harsh." Morgan interjected. "I mean, both of you were equally harsh to each other-"

"But Harry was completely out of line when he brought up Lou's dad." Macy said. 

"Um, right here." Louis pointed to himself. They all looked back at him and smiled wearily. 

"So," Macy started. "You planning on talking to Harry then later today?" She asked and they all looked at him curiously. 

"I don't know," Louis answered softly. "I'm kind of afraid to. I'm probably just going to let everything simmer down before doing anything." 

"Well, whenever you guys talk, good luck." Morgan said and Louis smiled thinly. 

"Thanks." 

"Well, I'm sure you don't want us talking your ear off or badgering you with questions, we just wanted to make sure you were okay." Macy said as they all backtracked to the door.

"Thanks." Louis smiled sincerely. It felt kind of nice to know they actually cared. Unless that was just an excuse to know what had happened between Harry and he. . . They all smiled and nodded before turning and leaving. 

When they were gone Louis sighed and walked over to his desk, pulling out Wheel of Darkness then nestled himself on the bed. And he read and read until lunch time came around, a little surprised Harry still hadn't returned. So two hours later he was closing his book and standing up, heading back out to the dayroom which still seemed to have a gloomy undertone. 

During lunch a part of Louis hoped Harry would come sauntering into the dayroom and sit down in front of him like usual, but he didn't. Louis was soon sitting alone with more then half an empty plate, but he had been finishing his meals in more of a timely manner then usual. Therefore meaning he was improving, but it always seemed like once he was progressing something always knocked him further down. 

Once his plate was finished and taken away, he stood up and made his way back to his room. And there Harry was, sitting on his bed, and reading a book like usual, but it wasn't like usual. Louis rolled his eyes, walking across the room to the bathroom. He went to close the door, but there was no door.

"Where the fuck is the door?" Louis asked sternly. He turned around and looked at Harry who lowered his book down. 

"A hoard of termites ate it." He said seriously and Louis's lips curled into a small smile before he bit his tongue and maintained a stoic expression. 

"They seriously took the entire door off?" He asked in disbelief. 

"It was either that or I got moved into a different room without a bathroom." Harry answered flatly and Louis just inhaled softly. A part of him was glad Harry wasn't moved into a different room, but how the hell was he supposed to change and shower without a door? Kind of unorthodox. 

"Well, that's just fucking great." He grumbled throwing his hands in air then turned around. He walked into the bathroom before pivoting right around and walking out. Then he just pivoted back around and paced back in. He didn't have to go too bad. He could hold it. So instead, he ran the cold water and splashed a little on his face, drying with a towel he pulled up off the floor. When he pulled the towel away from his face, he saw Harry leaning against the doorframe. Louis didn't know he could move so soundly. He could use a bell. 

Louis dropped the towel and, with his eyes cast low, he attempted to step around him, but failed. 

"Excuse me." He said softly. Harry just looked down at him solemnly.

"I'm sorry for what I said, especially for what I said about your father." He apologized sincerely. Louis crossed his arms and peered up at Harry narrowly. 

"I can't believe you had the fucking audacity." His anger started to flare up again. 

"Lou, I'm really sorry." Harry said again. "If I could go back and take back what I said, I would. I don't always handle my anger well and when that happens I tend to say things in the heat of the moment which I usually tend to regret." He added rubbing the back of his neck. 

"Why did you get so mad at me?" Louis asked him softly and looked up at him with his big blue eyes sparkling. 

"I didn't necessarily get mad at you. . .," Harry said. "I was more mad at myself. It's not exactly easy to admit you're struggling, but some people are better at admitting it then others. I'm not exactly quick to admit that I am in fact struggling and have problems." He said softly. "So, although I thought I was mad at you, I wasn't." He added shaking his head gently. Louis inhaled slowly and just blinked up at him.

"Okay." He said softly. 

"The truth is," Harry started and Louis froze. "I'm scared." He stated and Louis let out the breath he had been holding.

"Of what?" He asked quietly. 

"I'm terrified of being incorrigible, I'm terrified of being discharged then just relapsing or something, I'm scared I'm always gonna be obsessed with my weight and insecure to the point where it kills me. I'm even scared of losing you." He said firmly. Louis tip toed up slightly and wrapped his arms around Harry's neck, hugging him closely. He was so warm.

"I'm scared too, you aren't alone." Louis reassured. "But...this is only a temporary situation, but it will always be a part of us. When we get out of here we're going to be strong with weak moments, not weak with strong moments." He said with a small smile.

"But I'm never going to be strong and this has not been just a temporary situation." Harry mumbled. He slid his ams around Louis's little waist and nestled his chin on his shoulder. 

"Yes, you are. We all are, we just have to find it. It's like God and the Devil. God is strong and the Devil is weak so he tries to steal some of the strength from God only to twist it into more weakness." Louis said teasingly and Harry smiled. "That was an absolutely horrible analogy, but hopefully you get what I mean. It's like we're God and our eating disorder is the Devil." Harry nodded then leaned down, touching their foreheads together gently.

"You make me strong." Louis grinned up at him. They both just smiled and sighed contently. He couldn't stay cross at Harry.

"I'm sorry too." Louis then said solemnly, pulling his forehead away from Harrys. "For trying to push you to talk and all and for this morning at group therapy, letting you-know-what slip." He played with the ends of Harry's hair, which was beginning to get a little long, and twirled the strands around his finger playfully. Harry kind of like the feeling of Louis playing with his hair. 

"I'm kind of glad you did." Harry admitted and Louis gazed up at him. "And I'm terribly sorry for having brought up your father. I mean, that was completely uncalled for and I just, I shouldn't of said that." He said sincerely and somberly.

"It's okay, I kind of asked for it though." Louis pressed his lips together in a thin line. 

"Even then, it still crossed a line." 

"Well, we all cross the line once in a while." Louis remarked. Harry just smiled thinly and gave him an exasperated look. 

"So, are you all good? I don't like you being mad at me." He pouted down at Louis who smiled at his expression and chuckled. 

"I was never mad at you, I just got frustrated when you started getting mad and at group therapy when you were saying communication wasn't important." Harry smiled. 

"I still don't think communication is all that important. They do say actions speak louder then words." He said and Louis just rolled his eyes before smirking. 

"What kind of actions?" He asked teasingly. Harry just smiled and started leaning in. Louis thought he was going to kiss him, but Harry just nestled his chin over Louis's shoulder cozily. He tightened his arms around Louis's body. Louis stood there for a moment, stunned by Harry's sweet gesture. It was literally a grand gesture. 

He tightened his arms firmly around Harry's neck, hugging him back like he never wanted to let him go. He turned his face into Harry's neck, closing his eyes. Their bodies were pressed together tightly like they were holding onto each other for dear life. And in a sense they were.   

"You make me feel. . .secure." Harry whispered against Louis's neck causing him to smile (and not just because his breath tickled his skin). 

"How?" He asked tangling his fingers in Harry's hair again. 

"Because you make me feel happy, and good, and warm." He answered.

"Funny, you make me feel the same way." Louis whispered contently and it was like the balance between the universe and harmony and all things good were equal again. But for how long was what boggled both their minds.


	24. Chapter 24

"Why the hell did you take off our entire bathroom door?" Louis asked after storming into Dr. Wentz's office indignantly.

After talking with Harry, and maybe even sharing a kiss or two, Louis went to Dr. Wentz's office to discuss this bathroom door situation. There was no way he'd be able to take a shower and change his clothes without a door. He'd feel so uncomfortable, in fact he was already feeling uncomfortable with the fact that their bathroom door was no longer attached at the hinges. How is that supposed to even solve anything? 

Dr. Wentz looked up from his papers, peering up at Louis wearily. 

"Ask Dr. Fairchild." He answered. Louis groaned, rolling his eyes, then stomped out of his office and back into the hallway. Where was Dr. Fairchild's office again? He wandered around the hallways, taking a few wrongs turns, then realized how big the small space actually was. There was a workout room? He thought he remembered someone mentioning that to him sometime. Once he hit a certain weight he got to start working out for an hour a day. They do say you should get sixty minutes of physical exercise. Who is they, though? 

Louis turned a corner, passing an unrecognizable nurse who watched him closely, then spotted Dr. Fairchild's office. The door was closed so when Louis approached it he knocked firmly. 

"Come in!" Dr. Fairchild called out from his desk. Louis sighed and pushed open the door. A forced, smug smile spread across his lips when he saw Louis step in. "I thought I might be getting a visit from you." Louis rolled his eyes, crossing his arms as he walked over and stood in front of the desk. 

"Why the hell did you take off the entire bathroom door?" He demanded. 

"Sit?" Dr. Fairchild asked gesturing to the chair. Louis stood his ground, literally, and remained standing. 

"Why did you take off the entire door? How is that supposed to solve anything?" He asked austerely. Dr. Fairchild took a breath and cracked his knuckles. 

"You know, in some places patients bathrooms don't have doors. And in others a nurse has to stand outside the door when it's cracked as they go and even flush it for them so you should consider yourself lucky."

"Well now we don't have a door for a nurse to stand in front of so stop avoiding the damn question and give me an answer." Louis demanded raising his voice in anger. 

"If I can recall, you're the patient and I am the doctor. I do not owe you an explanation for anything." Dr. Fairchild retorted and Louis just glared at him and his smug smile. His smile infuriated him. 

"Then can you just give me an explanation because I asked?" He asked calmly, trying to control his anger and not let it get the best of him. "Seriously, I don't feel comfortable with the fact that I'll be showering and changing and going to the bathroom in a bathroom that doesn't have a fucking door." 

"Well, how many people are usually in your room?" Dr. Fairchild asked clasping his hands together on the top of the desk. 

"Well, usually only Harry or I, but still. A nurse could walk in at anytime for whatever reason." Louis stated. "It's the principle of the thing." 

"And that principle is?" Dr. Fairchild asked. 

"What exactly is being solved by removing our entire bathroom door?" 

"I see it as the simple not wanting to do anything without the door. Example, you do not want to use it without the door-"

"There is a huge difference between not wanting to use the bathroom in the middle of the day when everyone is up and about and someone forcing themselves to throw up in the middle of the night when everyone's asleep and no ones here." Louis interrupted. Why were all the doctors here so unintelligent? 

"There's always someone here." 

"Well I've never seen anyone." Louis retorted before he could stop himself. Dr. Fairchild looked up at him quizzically. His blonde hair was perfectly parted and slicked over like he was heading off to his first day of school or on his way to Sunday school. 

"And when and where have you been to not see anyone around after hours?" He asked and Louis flushed warm. 

"Sometimes I sleep walk. . .and wake up in the dayroom, and stuff." He lied softly and Dr. Fairchild looked at him sternly. 

"Cut the crap, have you been going up to the roof again?" He asked straight forwardly. 

"What? No." Louis immediately denied and Dr. Fairchild looked at him with an eyebrow raised in disbelief. 

"Really?" He asked. Louis nodded. 

"Yes, even though you give us no source of fresh air." He mumbled in annoyance and Dr. Fairchild smiled thinly. 

"So-"

"You know, we're getting kind of off topic." Louis interrupted. 

"Look Louis," Dr. Fairchild said wearily. "This is not the first time we've removed patients bathroom doors-"

"But how does that solve anything when the bathroom is inside the freaking room?" He exclaimed. 

"Why don't you ask Harry in a couple of days." Dr. Fairchild suggested seriously. Louis sighed and rolled his eyes. 

"Can you at least tell me when you'll put it back on?" He asked. 

"Only time will tell." Dr. Fairchild answered with a bittersweet smile and Louis glared at him with gritted teeth. He whipped around before storming out of his office, still as confused as he was when he first entered.

-

"Why does everything bad always happen to me?" It was 12:01 and they were both lying side by side on Louis's bed, staring up at the ceiling. He wished he was staring up at the stars. 

"Like what?" Harry asked making Louis scoff. 

"Gee, let's see, getting cut from my cheer team, coming out to my dad, my mother remarrying a jerk, being diagnosed with an eating disorder, being admitted into a hospital to treat it." He listed off on his fingers making Harry laugh. Harry was on his side, gazing at Louis admirably. 

"Reality check?" Louis turned his head to look at him and smiled softly. 

"But good things happen to good people, so I must be bad." He wasn't smiling anymore, but looked more solemn and docile. 

"If you're bad then I'm bad." Louis smiled again. "We can be bad together." 

"When you say it like that it sounds mischievous." Harry laughed then just shrugged. 

"You can't be bad because good things have happened to you too." He nodded. "Like, you're receiving treatment for your eating disorder, you're working out things with your father, and you met me." He smirked making Louis laugh. 

"I guess half of that is true." He teased. "Because meeting you wasn't a good thing, it was the best thing that could've happened to me." 

"Oh, shut up, you're actually going to make me cry." Harry batted at his chest and Louis turned from being on his back to his side. He leaned in and kissed him so sweetly. "Do you believe in God?" Harry asked him softly. 

"Of course." Louis said. "Who do you think put the stars in my eyes?" He teased and Harry slugged him in the arm playfully. 

"Shut up." He said in a happy tone of voice. "I'm serious." He added. Louis sighed apathetically. 

"I do." He stated. "I mean, I never really went to church on a regular basis, but my family and I used to go every once and awhile. I still believe, though." He said. "Do you?" He asked turning his head towards Harry. Harry pursed his lips together in a thin line. 

"I don't know." He shrugged unsurely. "They say God makes you in His own perfect image. Why did He have to make me like this?" He asked somberly. 

"Well, God has a plan for all of us-"

"Yeah, but I don't want this plan." Harry interrupted softly. 

"Well, take it up with God. And the Devil. He's the one messing everything up." He said humorously and Harry cracked a small smile. "God and the Devil sit on our shoulders and much of what they say get interpreted as being our own thoughts." Harry looked at him. 

"You don't seriously believe that, do you?" He asked. 

"I don't know, maybe?" Louis admitted sheepishly. "My parents had me in a private Christian school until fifth year because we couldn't afford the tuition, then while in public she had me enrolled in CCD until I got confirmed in 8th year." He explained. "And of course after that was when everything started taking a turn for the worse." 

"Where is God when you need him the most?" Harry asked rhetorically and Louis inhaled softly. 

"Right beside us." He said gazing at the moons shadows moving across the ceiling.

"No, he's not." Harry deadpanned. 

"How do you know that?" 

"How do you believe that?" He retorted and Louis swallowed thickly. 

"How do you not?" He asked. "Just because you're, we're, struggling you're going to blame it on God abandoning you?" He argued. Harry sighed, rolling his eyes. 

"Where did God even come from?" He asked and Louis chuckled. 

"I don't know. Big bang theory?" He joked and Harry smiled at the ceiling. 

"When did you come out to your mum?" He then asked and Louis bit the inside of his cheek. He never really came out, she had caught him with his boyfriend when Louis thought she was going to be gone for awhile and he would be home alone for a few hours. 

"I don't remember." He answered. "It was before I told my dad, obviously, so around the time when I was sixteen. I guess I didn't really technically come out. All my sisters were spending the nights at their friends, my dad was away for a training seminar, and my mum was going out with some of her friends to one of their houses to drink wine and watch some movies or something." Louis explained. "So I thought I was going to be home alone for quite a few hours so I invited my now ex-boyfriend over for a little. Long story short, we were making out on the couch, my mum ended up walking in because she had forgot her mobile, and she caught us red handed." He forced a laugh. "It was pretty awkward. But in the end she was supportive and understanding so that's all that matters. Except she grounded me for two weeks for sneaking around her back and keeping secrets or whatever. Which is kind of hypocritical because we kept it a secret from my dad." Harry smiled a little and turned on his side, gazing at Louis who was a lot more fun to look at than the boring ceiling. Louis turned his head to the side and gazed back at Harry. 

"Maybe some secrets are meant to be kept." Louis nodded. 

"Gosh," He muttered turning his head back to the ceiling. "If I could go back and erase my past with him, I would." 

"Well, from what I can understand, he was a real jerk." Harry said softly. Louis nodded again. 

"That's putting the understatement lightly." He scoffed. "I can't believe I ever wasted my fucking time with him." He mumbled shaking his head. Brandon was so nice and amazing at first, but his comments and "jokes" grew increasingly annoying and offensive as their relationship progressed. Not to mention Louis always saw him checking out other guys, but they were straight so it was 'okay'. 

Plus he was completely unsupportive when his father started treating him like shit and freezing him out. 'Just tough it out,' he said. 'Don't be such a pussy,' he'd add. 'You're such a pansy,' he'd 'joke' when Louis talked to him about it. Or more so cried to him about it. And when he told him he was being admitted into an inpatient eating disorder program in a hospital he had just nodded and said 'Its about time' which infuriated Louis to say the least and led to world war three practically. Brandon had called him a "fucking lost cause" and then went on to inform that he had been cheating on him for over a month with some clinker he had met at a strip club. Louis punched him, Brandon bled, and he was pretty sure Brandon's nose was actually broken. 

"Anyone who makes you feel like shit isn't worth your time." Harry said. A small smile graced Louis's lips. He turned onto his side, tucking one arm under his head. He reached out, placing his hand overtop Harry's which was lying palm down against the open space between them. Much like the night they slept holding hands. 

"Only the people who make me feel warm, and happy, and good about myself do." Harry smiled sincerely and turned his hand around so he could intertwine their fingers together. And he did. The bees started acting up again in both their stomachs. "So what about you? When, and how, did you come out to your mum?" He asked. 

"It was in, like, ninth year." He shrugged. "Of course, I don't have a tragic story of being caught with my non existent boyfriend, but I just walked up to my mum and asked if we could talk and basically just said, "I'm gay." She was a little caught off guard at first, but she was, and still is, supportive." 

"That's good." Louis said softly. "What about ex-boyfriends?" He asked teasingly and Harry forced a laugh. 

"Eh, nothing serious. Only, like, two relationships that only lasted barely a month." He said with another shrug. He started rubbing his thumb against the back of Louis's hand softly. "How long were you with Brandon?" He asked and Louis frowned. 

"Like, a year and a half." He said making a distasteful face that made Harry laugh. 

"Well, we all do things we regret." Louis chuckled. 

"Having no regrets is all that I really want." He whispered solemnly and stared at their hands intently.

"If you haven't done anything you regret what does that say about your life?" Harry asked somberly and Louis sighed. 

"I don't know." He admitted. "I'm afraid the mistakes that I made dug my grave." 

"Me too." Harry agreed and swallowed thickly. "I'm afraid I've already got one foot in the grave and haven't realized it yet." He added. 

"This conversation is sad." Louis frowned. 

"Then what would you like to talk about?" Harry asked with a playful smile that made Louis's frown just melt away. "Let me guess-"

"Stars." Harry's smile widened because Louis looked so content when he talked about stars or was looking up at them. "They're so beautiful." Louis said glancing towards the window even though he couldn't see the sky.

"Beautiful people tend to love beautiful things." Louis flushed a deep red. 

"Shut up." He pulled his hand away from Harry's to slug him in the shoulder playfully. "We should go up to the roof." He sat up straight. 

"Lou, it's too cold to go up now." Harry said sitting up on his arms. Louis pouted and rolled his shoulders forward in a softened posture. 

"But I wanna go outside." He whined. 

"Would you like some cheese with that whine?" Harry teased and Louis glanced down at him with a smirk. Louis pulled the blanket off his lap and stood up out of the bed. Harry watched him as he walked over to the wall and stood in front of the window, tilting his head back so he could see the cloudless sky. Harry followed suit, getting out of bed then walking over beside Louis. 

"Are the stars out tonight? I can't tell if it's cloudy or bright." He sang and Louis glanced up at him solemnly. "Because I only have eyes for you." Louis smiled up at him slowly and Harry grinned back contently. 

"You sap." Louis teased and pushed at Harry's chest. Harry caught his hand though and held it close to his chest. Louis gripped Harry's plain black tee shirt loosely with a small fist. 

"You say sap, I say romantic." Harry said teasingly. "That's just a song anyways." Louis smiled. He let go of his shirt and looked up at him. The moonlight was painting a beautiful picture on his face, brushing strokes against his cheek and forehead. Louis leaned up slowly and Harry's eyes fluttered closed as Louis kissed him. One of his hands brushed against Harry's cheek so softly and Harry snaked his arms around Louis's little waist. Louis brought his hands down and reached around himself to grab Harry's, pulling them away from his waist so he could lace their fingers together between them. Harry's lips tasted so sweet. Like they had been dipped in honey. Or caramel. Maybe Louis was just hallucinating, but his lips really did taste like the sweetest of candy. And when their lips parted and their tongues touched briefly it was enough to send Louis to the dentist with an aching cavity. He was just too sweet. The kiss was so concupiscent. Fireworks were just exploding in his stomach. He pulled his hands away from Harry's and tip toed up, cupping his cheeks in his hands and Harry tried to place his arms around Louis's waist to hold him close, but like the first time Louis brought his hands back down and grabbed Harry's hands, pulling them away from around his waist. 

"Please don't touch my waist." He whispered morosely with his head turned down in sadness. He stared down at the floor and their interlocked hands. 

"I'm sorry." Harry apologized sincerely. "I should've known." If there's one thing those suffering from anorexia, or any other eating disorder, do not like it's being touched by others. 

"No, it's okay. I just-it's just-"

"Louis," Harry whispered gently and placed a finger under his chin to tilt his head up a little so he could look him in the eyes. "You do not need to justify yourself. I completely understand." He said smiling reassuringly. 

"Sorry," Louis apologized subconsciously. 

"Lou, you didn't do anything wrong. You don't have to apologize. Okay?" Harry said bringing his hand back down to hold Louis's. 

"Okay." Harry squeezed his hand, making him smile meekly. He leaned in quickly and kissed Louis's cheek, making him smile even bigger. "So," Louis said just as perky as before. He pulled his hands away from Harry's and turned to the window, resting his arms on the windowsill. "How many constellations can you see?" He asked admiring up at the stars from behind the glass. Harry stepped beside him and looked out.

"Well," He looked around up at the sky. "I'm not seeing the big dipper so about zero." He stated and Louis laughed merrily. 

"Do you see the one that's shaped like a weird w?" He asked and tried to point at it to the best of his ability. 

"I think so." Harry squinted at the stars with his forehead pressed against the glass. 

"That's Cassiopeia." Harry nodded. 

"Very fascinating." He said in a totally un-fascinated tone. 

"Don't patronize me." Louis bumped shoulders with him and Harry chuckled. 

"I am not patronizing you." He protested and Louis just rolled his eyes. 

"Yeah, yeah." He said staring out the window and sighed contently. "So, how are you doing?" He then asked after a few moments of silence. 

"Okay." Harry deadpanned. "I mean, as okay as I can be." He added. "How about you?"

"Alright." Louis answered neutrally. "My pants are beginning to fit more. I guess that's a good sign." He said and Harry chuckled. 

"I know what you mean." He said. "Goodness," He remarked and Louis glanced at him. "I used to be so obsessed with my hipbones and all, I remember how 'happy,'" He air quoted. "I felt when I first noticed my pants loosening. I always thought being skinny was being able to balance a ruler on your hipbones." He stated and Louis continued to watch him as he talked freely. "That was my first goal. To be able to do that." He laughed apathetically. "If I had a dollar for every plastic ruler I snapped in half out of anger and frustration. It's pathetic, really." 

"It's not pathetic." Louis said quietly. 

"It is." Harry insisted. "Because once I could do that it wasn't enough, it was like I had just passed the preliminary round or something and then I had to see how big a dip I could make between the ruler on my hipbones and my waist underneath." He spoke with asperity laced in his tone. "It was like some kind of fucked up game I played against myself." He added. Louis noticed tears in his eyes glinting in the moonlight. He reached over and placed his hand overtop Harry's which was placed on the windowsill. "Did you ever feel, like, a rush of excitement when you stepped on the scale and saw how much you lost?" He asked Louis without actually looking at him. He just kept his gaze fixated on the windowpane.

"All the time." Louis mumbled and turned back towards the window. 

"It was exciting at first." He said. "It felt like, 'wow, I actually accomplished something.' and that just pushed me even further to see if I could get any lower. And it felt like each time the number on the scale dropped it never actually dropped. You know what I mean?" He asked. 

"I think." 

"I mean, I used to weigh, like, 160 or whatever, that was a normal weight. A healthy one, but then once I started losing weight it seemed like no matter how much I weighed it was always too much. I weigh 140 and try to drop to 130 because 130 is lighter. Then I actually hit 130 and it's like, well 120 is even lighter, 130 is so heavy, it's unacceptable. So I drop to 120 and soon 120 is way too much to weigh so let's drop to 110 because that's lighter. And it just keeps repeating itself and repeating itself like the malicious cycle it is." He said in a stern tone. "Oh goodness, I can feel myself getting worse." He murmured reaching up to his face and rubbing his temples slowly. 

"Hey," Louis reached up and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Harry just kept his eyes screwed shut and rubbed his temples to ease his headache. "You're not getting worse." He stated and Harry just nodded. 

"Yes I am, I can feel it." 

"And sometimes I feel like I'm going to be sick, but I don't." Louis said. "Just like how sometimes I feel like I've been stuck in the same place since I first got here, but I'd actually say I've come a long way. For me at least. Still got a ways to go though." He joked lightly. "You're gonna be fine." He reassured and Harry just looked down at him, breathing rather deeply. 

"You don't understand, when I feel myself getting bad, I can't, like, stop it. I don't know how to describe it, but I know when it's happening and there's nothing I can do about it." He said hastily and Louis grabbed his hands tightly. 

"Listen to me." He looked up at Harry intently. "You're not getting worse. You're getting better. You know what you're doing by saying you're getting worse and can't stop it? You're jumping right back into the cycle." Harry stared down at him somberly, his eyes brighter than the moon itself. "I promise you won't get worse because I'll be right here pushing you back onto your feet." 

"You promise?" He asked softly. 

"Always." Louis stated and squeezed his hand tightly. Harry inhaled slowly then exhaled, taking a couple deep breaths. He looked down at Louis, sighing, and cracked a small smile. 

"Wow, this is like a scene from a movie or a plot line for a book or something." He said and Louis admired the way Harry's eyes still managed to have a little twinkle in them. "Two struggling kids meet in a hospital and end up falling in love." 

"You fell in love with me?" Louis asked teasingly and Harry blushed furiously. He just shrugged playfully and Louis laughed. 

"We'll see." Louis rolled his eyes, still giggling. "To say the least, I like-like you very, very, very much." 

"Well, I like-like you very very much too." Louis replied contently. 

"You forgot a very." Harry joked and Louis playfully slugged him in the chest. 

"Very, very, very much." Harry grinned happily.

"That's more like it." Louis laughed loudly making Harry smile even wider because how could you possibly listen to Louis laugh and not smile and want to laugh yourself?

"Do you ever worry about being released and how you're going to control social media's influence on you?" Louis's laughter died with his integrity. 

"Um, no." Harry answered honestly and Louis bit the inside of his cheek. 

"I'm afraid that when I get released social media is going to influence me to fall back into my old eating disorder patterns." Harry looked at him curiously. 

"How did it influence you before?" Louis rubbed the back of his neck. 

"It just seemed like everywhere I looked Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, just anywhere it always featured guys with muscles and flat stomachs or girls with a flat stomach, small waist, and large bum. I can't even imagine how some girls must feel. Half of my explorer page on Instagram would always be, like, Instagram models showing off their stomachs and there's so much pressure about having the perfect body which basically consists of a flat stomach, small waist, and then a big bum and breasts. Granted I have no idea why those pictures always showed up on my explorer page, they were also followed by pictures of guys with built up muscles and abs and that's something I never had-"

"But if you were part of a competition cheer team you must've had, like, some muscle." Harry interrupted softly. 

"Yeah, well, my arms and legs were strong. But I didn't have a define chest or torso. And I'd see those pictures and think, 'wow, no one is going to find me attractive unless I look like that,' and I'd feel compelled to go out and work out so I could look like that. You know, have abs, and pecs, and biceps...," He trailed off. "You know, kind of influence you like that." 

"I know what you mean." Harry nodded. "It's hard to preach self confidence and accepting your body when you're constantly slammed with pictures of edited photos of muscular men or skinny girls." Louis sighed sadly. 

"I find it kind of contradictory. Like, everyone online will talk about loving your body and being confident, but then the most influential media outlets will post photos of edited men and women. I get some light editing, but release a picture of a girl with stretch marks, or blemished skin or a guy who maybe isn't very muscular and just has a regular body frame, something everyone seems to have!" He exclaimed. "If people are so keen about accepting your body then why don't they embrace flaws instead of editing them?" 

"Sex appeal."

"That's such bullshit." Harry looked down at him and Louis gripped the edge of the windowsill tightly, digging his nails into the wood. "The world is just one big hypocrite." He grumbled rolling his eyes. 

"All the world is birthday cake, just don't take too big a piece." Harry said with a small smile. Louis cracked a small smile and took a deep breath. He could feel himself getting worked up. "What are you most insecure about?" Louis forced a strenuous laugh. 

"Wow, that's a big question." Harry just looked down at him intently. "You answer first." Louis looked back up at Harry. 

"Well," Harry rubbed the back of his neck softly. "One of the things that always made me feel really insecure was my waist. You know how people call, like, the skin that kind of pudges out over the edge of your pants muffin tops or love handles?" Louis nodded. "No matter what I wore I always had them and I hated them so fucking much I actually wanted to cut the skin off of my waist." His tone was heavy and despondent. "Pretty sure I almost tried it too." He added under his breath. "They made me feel so fucking fat." Louis swallowed thickly. 

"Two years ago, like, shortly after I had come out to my dad and all, I was in the bathroom changing clothes when I noticed these disgusting marks on the inside of my thighs. And then I realized that they were stretch marks." He admitted. He fucking hated the stretch marks on his inner thighs because they made him feel like a girl. And they were so gross and disgusting to look at. 

"You have stretch marks?" Harry asked him curiously. Louis nodded reluctantly. 

"Yes, and I hate them because guys do not get stretch marks and they're defined as being caused by quick growth or quick weight gain especially during puberty, but I was fucking 17 and I hated them so much. I hate them so fucking much." 

"Stretch marks are normal-"

"For girls." Louis interrupted before Harry could finish his sentence. 

"And they're normal for men, just not as common." Harry stated. 

"Whatever." Louis rolled his eyes dismissively. "That isn't going to make me hate them any less." Harry swallowed thickly. He reached out and touched his shoulder. 

"C'mon," He stepped away from the window. "It's late, we should sleep." Louis looked at him before looking back out the window and up at the stars. He wondered how many nights it would take to count them all. 

With a heavy sigh, he turned and walked back over to the bed with Harry. He laid down and drifted off to sleep snuggled up against Harry cozily.


	25. Chapter 25

The morning was filled with light and warmth. A.k.a. Louis, in Harry's term. He woke up nestled next to Harry cozily and the sunlight washed his face in a beautiful glow, placing a halo above his head. It was 7:02 which meant they didn't have to rush out of bed and hurry to the dayroom, but could lie there lazily for almost an hour. 

Louis woke up and Harry was still asleep, breathing peacefully. He just watched him, taking in the beautiful mental image of Harry sleeping soundly bathed in sunlight. Harry's eyes fluttered open slowly, though, and he smiled at Louis who smiled back. 

"Morning." He greeted softly. Harry yawned and closed his eyes again tiredly, rubbing them gently.

"Good morning." He said contently and Louis felt a rush of giddiness surge through him. Harry's voice just sounded so deep and groggy. It was beautiful.

"How are you feeling?" He asked quietly and Harry inhaled slowly. 

"A lot better than last night." Louis nodded gently. 

"That's good." Harry smiled thinly. 

"Yeah," He said exhaling. "So, how are you doing?" Louis rolled over on his back and sighed apathetically. He placed a hand on his stomach and Harry opened his eyes, gazing at Louis who was staring at the ceiling much like last night. 

"I don't know, okay." He answered lackadaisically. "I think my dads coming in again today." He said and Harry licked his lips. 

"Have you thought about what you're gonna do? You know, about the letter and all?" He asked softly. The last thing he wanted to see was Louis upset in the morning. The morning was when he shone the brightest. 

"I don't know." He admitted. "I feel like I've made up my mind, but once I see him everything's gonna change." He added. "Has it already been a whole week? Ever since I came here I haven't been able to keep track of time." He then said in disbelief. 

"Time flies when you're having fun." Harry joked softly and Louis shot him an amused look. 

"Oh yeah, loads of fun." He replied sarcastically and Harry chuckled. 

"Time is fun when you're having flies." He said and Louis pushed at his shoulder. 

"You're such a dork." He teased. Harry smiled. 

"What's wrong with being a dork?" He asked innocently. Louis smiled. 

"Nothing." He turned over on his side again. "Nothing at all." He said and Harry smiled at him lazily. Louis leaned in and kissed Harry's lips softly. 

"Hm," He hummed smirking. "Being a dork has its perks." He teased making Louis laugh. He wished he could wake up beside Harry every morning. In their own bed. In their own place. In their own little world. Made for just the two of them. But he couldn't. 

-

Breakfast had been disgusting, but it was tied with lunch so far for most disgusting meal of the day. He couldn't wait for dinner. Group therapy was just as awful. The talked about nutrition and how the different natural minerals and vitamins effect your body and what happens when you don't get enough of them. It was about time they talked about something that had a little meaning. 

After therapy was over and he had endured the brunt of lunch, he went back to his room and grabbed the letter from his desk, rereading it over again, and maybe even tearing up a little more. 

"I don't know if I can do this." Louis said to Harry when he was pacing around the room. Harry closed his book and looked up at Louis who was still holding the letter in his hands. 

"Lou, you're building this up to be something overly dramatic or something of that nature. It's going to be fine." He reassured. Louis stopped and looked at Harry. 

"What if it's not?" He asked somberly. 

"The only reason it wouldn't be fine if you make it that way. You have control of the situation so however you decide to turn it is completely up to you." Louis groaned and crinkled the paper in his hand as he began to pace again. 

"This is going to end in disaster, everything involving me always does." He mumbled. 

"Louis, it's not going to be a diaster, okay?" Louis just looked at him before a gentle knock on the door practically made him jump out of his skin. The door opened a crack and Nurse Deb poked her head in. 

"I know, I know, I have to go to Dr. Wentz's office or something, right?" He asked the second she opened her mouth. She pressed her lips together in a thin line and nodded. 

"Yep." She said before stepping away. Louis's heart jumped to his throat and he tossed the letter on his desk. 

"Well, wish me luck." He joked half heartedly and walked over to the door. 

"You'll be fine." Harry reassured again as Louis walked out into the hallway. He was a bundle of nerves walking to the office. He fiddled his fingers together in a fidgety way. When he approached the door to Dr. Wentz's office he knocked instead of just walking in like he tended to do. Dr. Wentz, who had been sitting at his desk, got up and went to open the door. 

"Ready?" He asked Louis quietly. 

"Let's just get this over with." Louis said feeling a shortness of breath which then led to a tight feeling his his chest. Dr. Wentz walked back over to his desk and Louis stepped in sheepishly, closing the door behind him. Sitting nervously in one of the chairs in front of the desk was his father. Louis walked over and sat down in the chair beside him. 

"Well," Dr. Wentz said clasping his hands together and smiled. "I can see you two are just bursting with energy." He joked and Louis gave him a patronizing look. 

"Don't even." He said shaking his head. Dr. Wentz chuckled and pressed his lips into a thin smile. 

"So," He clasped his hands together again. "Obviously you read the letter, I presume?" He asked. 

"Yeah." Louis nodded pursing his lips together. 

"Good." Dr. Wentz said. "So now, I am going leave and let you two talk privately. I'll be back in about twenty minutes." He said standing up and made sure to emphasize the word talk. Louis's heart was beating so fast and so loud. He thought it might explode out of his chest at any moment. 

Mark took a deep breath. He too was a bundle of nerves. Dr. Wentz smiled thinly and stepped towards the door. He opened the door and stepped out, leaving Louis and Mark in an awkward silence. 

It stayed silent for at least five minutes, if not ten minutes, before anyone spoke up. 

"So, I, um, appreciate you taking the time to, like, write out that letter and all." Said Louis softly. He kept his head turned down and stared at the carpet. 

"Definitely didn't expect it to be that hard to write." Mark replied indifferently and Louis forced a small chuckle.

"Sure seemed hard to write." 

"Can only imagine how hard it was to read." 

"It wasn't that hard." Louis lied softly. "So, um, about that. . .," He continued trailing off, rubbing the back of his neck. "I, um, I-I wanted to say that I accept your apology." Mark let out a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding and closed his eyes. Louis looked at him, a little caught off guard by the rush of emotion, and inhaled slowly. 

"You don't know how relieved I am to hear you say that." He said looking up at Louis. "Thank you. . .so so much." Louis didn't know what to say. What was there to say? 

"Well, thank you for being sincere and genuine." He said softly. Then silence swayed them both again. 

"I know it's probably hard to. . .believe or grasp, but I am truly sorry for the deplorable ways I have treated you in the past. I had honestly believed my actions were done with good intentions and out of love, but thinking back to that time just makes me cringe." He admitted and Louis felt tears sting his eyes. 

"Well, some of the worst things in history have happened with the best intentions, but it's in the past now." He stated. "And the past is history." 

"The thing about history is that it's remembered." 

"Well, we're scared of the past and what is left." Mark and Louis both smiled a little.

"Isn't that a lyric to one of those songs you would always sing?" He asked and Louis laughed. 

"I can't believe you actually remember that, let alone a single lyric." He laughed softly shaking his head. 

"Are you kidding? Everywhere you walked you were singing their songs." He said causing Louis's cheeks to redden slightly. "You were just singing all the time in general." He laughed. 

"Yeah, well, I used to love singing." Louis mumbled lackadaisically . 

"Used to? Meaning you've stopped?" He asked and Louis bit the inside of his cheek. He did used to love singing with a passion and sing all the time, but the further he fell down the well the harder it was to hear his own voice. 

"Yeah, well, I haven't really been in a singing mood lately or anything." He mumbled timidly. 

"You had a lovely voice." Mark said and Louis's throat tightened. 

"You too." He responded softly, almost in a whisper. 

"I-" Mark started and paused, bringing a hand to his mouth then exhaled. 

"You what?" Louis asked glancing at him. 

"I know you assumed I sold our piano," He started. "But I didn't. Your mother and I had a storage unit from when we first got married and I had just had it moved into there." He admitted.

"Oh." Was all Louis could mutter out."Why did you move it out entirely to begin with?" He asked quietly. 

"At the time I thought just getting rid of it would be one of the easiest things to do." Mark said softly. 

"Oh." 

"I, um, I hope this can just be behind us now. I know it'll probably be hard and all at first, but, I mean, in the end-" 

"In the end you're sincere with your apology and I accept that." Louis cut in calmly and Mark smiled a little. "There's not much more we can do after that." He added. Then it was quiet again.

"So," Mark said breaking the silence. "Tell me about yourself." 

"We're sitting in a doctors office in the EDU, I think that says all." Louis pressed his lips together and rubbed the back of his neck. 

"How long have you been in here?" He asked. 

"Around two months almost?" Louis said unsurely. 

"Did you graduate?" 

"No." He mumbled. 

"Well, that's okay. You've always been incredibly bright." Louis didn't say anything. "How's your mum?" 

"I don't know, she remarried a douchebag, is pregnant with twins, and has to pay a small fortune to keep me in here. I guess she considers herself well." Louis deadpanned and the air grew tense. 

"Oh yeah, Dean was it?" Louis nodded. 

"You know about it?" It was his fathers turn to nod now. 

"Like I said, I wanted to hear about you and girls. We didn't share every detail of our lives with each other, but she had briefly mentioned she got engaged and I told her about me moving back here to Doncaster." He explained.

"What did she usually say about me when you asked?" Louis asked meekly. He almost wasn't sure if he wanted to hear about what his mum said about him. What was there to say? After his dad left was when he took a complete nosedive. 

"She didn't say anything." Louis looked at him curiously. "Your mother was pretty furious with me. Our conversations were very strained and strenuous. Whenever I asked she'd simply say the girls were fine and she refused to speak about you with me. Granted, I didn't blame her. Now the tension has kind of eased, I still always asked about you and the girls. She'd say you guys were going fine, but that things were a little stressed with her impending marriage and all." Louis swallowed thickly. "So I was a little surprised when I got the call from Dr. Wentz explaining you were in a hospital being treated for an eating disorder. I was a little angry at your mum for not telling me about that." His fathers forehead creased together with a frown. 

"Yeah, well, I don't think that was anything she was eager to share." 

"Still, you are my son, that's something I have a right to know about." Louis took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

"So," Louis said in an attempt to try and change the topic. "Are you seeing anyone?" He was genuinely curious, although he didn't feel like he would be devastated if his dad answered yes. 

"Heavens no." He deadpanned making Louis laugh. It was a soft laugh that made his dad smile "I still have a lot of stuff I need to work on before I could even think about that. But I'm not even sure if I want to go out and try to meet someone else." He explained in a lighter tone. "But what about you? Do you have anyone significant in your life?" He asked softly. 

"Is that your way of asking if I have a boyfriend?" Louis asked in amusement. 

"I think." Mark said and laughed. Louis smiled. 

"No, I don't." He said. "But there's this one guy I like." He added turning his head down and played with the hem of his shirt in a nervous way. "And he likes me too." 

"Well that's good. Who is he?" Mark asked.

"His name is Harry. He's actually the other guy in the program here." Louis told him nervously. "So, I mean, it's not like we can really do anything about it. I guess only really wait till we both get discharged and see if it goes anywhere. I'm kind of afraid it won't." He mumbled under his breath. It felt so weird to actually being talking about this stuff with his father when it had been years since he really talked to him. 

"He makes you happy now, right?" 

"Yeah, he makes me really happy." 

"Then that's all that matters. All we need in the now is that one person who makes us happy. Could be a boyfriend, a girlfriend, friend, wife, husband, anyone. Labels aren't what matter, it's how they make us feel that matters." 

"Doesn't the future matter?" Louis asked. 

"If you spend your time worrying about if you'll be happy in the future then you won't be happy in the present." Louis swallowed thickly. 

"So," He said. "What have you been up to?"

"Well, like I've said, I moved back here about six weeks ago. Working back at NOAA again." He said with a small smile. Louis smiled and glanced around the office. "Haven't been doing much, honestly." He shrugged and they both chuckled lightly. 

"Ditto." Louis joked. And then it was quiet again, which was good because Dr. Wentz made his reappearance by stepping back into the room. 

"So," He sat back down behind his desk. "How'd it go?" And in the end a hug was shared, but it wasn't the actual end because his dad was going to be coming in again one last time next week and Louis didn't feel like that was a weight on his shoulders. After he left and went back to the room Harry asked him how it was and Louis said it went okay. Because it did. It was fine. It wasn't a disaster like he thought it'd be. 

But then another problem arose later on. The problem of using the bathroom without a door. He had been prolonging it as long as he could, but that wasn't healthy. He made Harry promise not to "accidentally" look in or anything. Especially when he took a shower after dinner, which had been excruciating. 

Both dinner and the paranoia of getting out of the shower totally out in the open and having to dry himself and get dressed as quick as he could in fear of someone walking in and seeing him was nerve racking.

Louis made him the same promise, though. So whenever Harry was to take a shower he'd just go out to the dayroom and sit in there, reading. Was it much? No. Louis just hoped the door would be put back on soon.

But at the end of the day Louis was just relieved to be lying in bed with Harry lying beside him. 

"Does our bathroom not having a door, like, actually help you with wanting to purge or whatever?" Louis asked Harry softly.

"I don't know, yeah." Harry shrugged slightly. "I feel like if I forced myself to throw up you'd hear because there isn't a door. It seems like everything is amplified when there isn't a door." He said and Louis swallowed thickly.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled staring up at the ceiling. 

"For what?" Harry asked looking at him questionably.

"I don't know." Louis let out a breath and Harry smiled. "I'm sorry you're struggling." He said unsurely and Harry chuckled. 

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He said and Louis pressed his lips together in a hard line. 

"Why did you decide to purge?" 

"Fuck." Harry wiped his hand over his face and swallowed thickly. "I don't even know if I know the answer to that." Louis rubbed smooth, gentle circles on his arm in some effort to soothe him. "I don't know...I just felt like I had too. It's hard." Tears watered his eyes. "It's really hard to fight those voices in your head." He reached up and wiped his eyes. 

"I know." Louis whispered softly. 

"Some days I feel like just walking away from here and going back to my life. Recovery is hard, I hate it." Louis listened to him intently. "I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate my body, I hate how hard it is to still finish a meal, I hate how fucking bloated I look." He wiped his eyes again. Louis felt himself begin to tear up as well.

"You're not alone." Harry brought his hands to his face, covering it. 

"Some days it feels like I am." 

"You can feel like you're alone, but know that you're not. I'll always be here with you feeling the same exact way." Harry lowered his hands and peeked at Louis. "I mean, not the same exact way, but generally the same way." 

"Thanks for telling me what I can feel." He joked making Louis laugh beautifully. 

"Okay, well I was going to say 'oh, don't feel alone' but then I figured that wouldn't help anything because just because someone says 'oh, don't feel alone,' doesn't mean you're going to magically feel better and...yeah." He laughed again and his face scrunched together cutely. Harry managed a small laugh and placed his one arm over top Louis's. "But seriously, I mean, I feel the same way. Some days I wonder if all this is even worth it. It feels like it's only making me more miserable." Harry nodded. 

"Isn't that a lovely feeling." Louis smiled softly and nestled his cheek against Harry's chest. His shirt was soft, like a flower petal or velvet. "I don't know what's worse...feeling like everything's only getting worse, the voices contradicting those of the doctors, the fucking bloating, or all of those things mixed together." 

"You hear voices? That can't be healthy." Louis teased lightly and Harry managed a small smile. 

"You know what I mean." Louis smiled back. 

"I do." It was quiet. Louis sighed contently. "Have you ever heard of American Authors?" He then asked randomly and Harry laughed softly. 

"Um, I don't think so." Harry said unsurely and Louis turned his head up, gazing at him. 

"Such a shame. Never seen Queer as Folk and never heard of American Authors." He teased with a smile.

"But I've heard of Zack Hemsey." Harry retorted and Louis laughed.

"Right, I'll give you cred there." He said. "No, but, American Authors sing that Best Day Of My Life song." 

"Oh, that one that goes like, "This is going to be the best day of life. My li-i-i-i-ife." He sang softly and Louis smiled merrily.

"Yeah." He nodded. "I like that song. And them." 

"Well, that's the only song I've heard by them, but they're pretty good." Harry said admiring Louis. Louis looked so beautiful and content when he talked about the things he loved. "Why do you love the stars so much?" He then asked and Louis inhaled softly.

"What's not to love? I love their beauty." He simply said. "There's always something to look at, they're always there. The constallations are so fun to try and point out. They're just so phenomenal." 

"Maybe the stars think the same thing about the people looking up at them." Harry suggested and Louis let out an soft giggle before sighing contently.

"When I close my eyes, all the stars align." He said softly. "And they spell out my name." He added. "And once in a lifetime your names there too." 

"Why only once in a lifetime?" Harry asked him quietly.

"Because I'm afraid in my heart you're not a constant star." He admitted quietly. Harry looked down Louis intently and placed his hand overtop Louis's. 

"Lou, I will always be by your side." He promised. Louis inhaled softly and turned around on his other shoulder so his back was to Harry. Harry watched him quizzically and Louis nestled himself back a little, fitting the curve of Harry's body like a puzzle piece. Louis reached around and grabbed Harry's hand, guiding his arm around his torso slowly. 

Harry was thrown off a little by the action. It was a good thrown off. He wanted to sleep with Louis in his arms, but he knew that would've been asking for too much or pushing Louis. But here he was. With one arm around Louis who still hadn't let go of his hand. Harry scooted even closer, his chest and all pressed against Louis's backside and wrapped his other arm around him, holding him close. With his face nestled against the back of Louis's shoulder he pressed a soft kiss to his clothed skin. 

He hoped he was a constant star.


	26. Chapter 26

That's how they woke up. Nestled together with Louis wrapped in Harry's arms. So warm, and content, and harmonized. Louis opened his eyes slowly and smiled to himself. He placed his arms over Harry's and closed his eyes again. The only thing that could make this moment more perfect would be if it were happening someplace other than a hospital room in an EDU. Harry, who had also awakened, smiled and squeezed Louis in his arms. They were completely smitten with each other. 

"What time is it?" Harry asked with a heavy voice and Louis glanced at the clock. He groaned.

"7:47." Harry sighed. 

"I don't wanna get up." He whined and Louis chuckled. "I wanna stay here forever." He whispered.

"Me too." Louis agreed. He turned around on his other side and faced Harry. Harry unwrapped his arms from around him and smiled at him lazily. "Morning." He said gleefully. 

"Good morning." Harry greeted.

"How are you feeling?" 

"Pretty good for now. How about you?" Harry asked in return. Louis smiled which was a good sign.

"Pretty good." He said. "Except I don't want to get up." He whined pouting.

"We all don't." Harry sat up with a groan and Louis gazed up at him. "I gotta use the bathroom." He announced getting out of the bed. Louis frowned up at him, feeling a chill from where Harry was lying. He stepped into the bathroom and Louis pulled the blanket over his face, sighing with fatigue. Once Harry had finished in the bathroom, Louis got up reluctantly and used it as well. And surprisingly enough they were not the last ones to show up for once. They both plopped down and slumped over.

"Why is the food so gross? Seriously, can't we ever get anything good?" Louis whined staring down at his plate.

"Be thankful for what you have. Some kids don't even have food to not eat." Nurse Deb said sarcastically and Louis exhaled softly.

"Sorry." He picked up his toast and took a bite. Harry went straight for his bacon making Louis grimace. The bacon was so gross and crunchy. The toast was always so dry and his omelet was already soggy. It was repulsive really. Breakfast was always unbearable, but group therapy was also unbearable, as well as pointless and unhelpful. If there was one unbearable person Louis couldn't stand, it was Dr. Bindle. Louis wasn't even sure how he became a doctor. He was so stupid and annoying. 

He was so glad he didn't run group therapy. Dr. Wentz was somewhat tolerable. Speaking of which, group therapy today was awful. They talked about self image again and loving yourself and all. That brought back joyful memories. Joyful, joyful memories. 

But who cares about memories? This is the present. After group therapy Louis and Harry had gone back to their room, but it was only ten minutes before a nurse was opening the door halfway. 

"Dr. Bindle would like to see you two in his office." Nurse Fleck said. Louis and Harry both shared questionable looks. Why did he want to see the both of them? 

"Why?" Louis asked. 

"He didn't specify why." The nurse replied. "Just head over to his office." He said before leaving. Louis and Harry both stood up cautiously as they walked into the hallway. 

"Why would he want to see the both of us?" Harry whispered to Louis who was obviously worried. Well, Louis wasn't so much worried as he was apprehensive. 

"I don't know. It's not about the roof, is it?" Louis asked.

"I don't think so." Harry shrugged. They both turned a corner and approached the door. 

"Worse comes to worst, just let me talk." Louis said and Harry chuckled. 

"If anyone knows how to talk their way out of a situation it's you." He teased. "You should be a lawyer." He added and Louis grimaced.

"Don't even, you sound like my mother." Harry laughed and Louis reached for the door. He pushed it open and walked in with Harry behind him. Dr. Bindle looked up from his desk and smiled thinly. They both sat down in the chairs and Louis crossed his arms. "What's this about?" He asked austerely. 

"Yes, well, it has come to our attention that their have been some. . .inappropriate relations going on. Mainly regarding you two." He said clasping his hands together. Harry turned red and wanted to hide whereas Louis looked absolutely unamused and totally annoyed.

"Excuse me?" Louis asked slowly. 

"The nurses have reported you two sharing the same bed-"

"Well were we caught fucking in the dayroom or something?" Louis snapped sarcastically and Dr. Bindle cringed while Harry turned even redder. "No, because nothing inappropriate has ever happened and if you think two guys just sleeping in the same bed is something so completely inappropriate that you have to call us in here to talk about it then that's your own problem." 

"Don't think I don't know what that mark on your neck was." Dr. Bindle retorted and Louis cocked his eyebrow challengingly. "And there's no reason you two can't sleep in your own beds-"

"What rule are we breaking? Are we breaking any protocol? Is sexuality some form of contraband?" He asked. 

"It's not exactly appropriate being in the environment that you are-"

"Well are we making anyone uncomfortable by sleeping in the same bed?" Louis interrupted. "I mean, it's at night when no one is awake. The only people who could be made uncomfortable would be Harry and I and I'm pretty sure Harry isn't uncomfortable by it, are you?" He asked glancing at Harry who shook his head meekly. "So who exactly are we affecting by sleeping in the same bed at night when it's dark and everyone's asleep?" He asked. 

"Look," He said and Louis sighed exaggeratedly. "You know, we just wanted to establish a basis-"

"Who is we?" Louis asked.

"Us doctors, the nurses. . .," He said trailing off. 

"This is ridiculous. You're really just wasting your time because mark my word, nothing's going to change." Louis said and Dr. Bindle smirked in amusement. 

"Is that so?" He asked and Louis rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I mean, what are you going to tell us? To sleep in our own beds? Newsflash, Dr. Wentz already tried that." He said gritting his teeth. 

"I'm well aware of that." Dr. Bindle replied. "We just want what's best for the patien-"

"No, you want what you find appropriate and apparently two guys just innocently sleeping in the same bed isn't fucking appropriate." Louis said raising his voice. He was appalled they were actually being brought into his office because the workers had a problem apparently if Louis and Harry slept in the same bed. "Nurse Ingrid said herself we aren't breaking any rules so there's nothing for us to get reprimanded about." He added. "This is fucking ridiculous." He mumbled under his breath as he shook his head. 

"Look-"

"No," Louis cut in immediately. "I mean seriously, is everyone here, like, homophobic or something?" He asked. "Is that why you see it as us sharing a bed so inappropriate?"

"Of course not." Dr. Bindle objected and Louis scoffed. 

"Yeah right." He sneered crossing his arms. "If you aren't then what's so wrong and or inappropriate about us sleeping in the same bed?" 

"Look," Dr. Bindle said and Louis scoffed again. "Just sleep in your own beds or we'll move you into separate rooms." 

"That's bullshit."

"Look, we run an eating disorder treatment program here and it's in our best interest to help the patients. We do not condone in-patient relationships nor do we find the setting very appropriate for that to happen. It's not healthy-"

"Oh my fucking goodness, we are not in a relationship you jackass. So what? Sometimes we like to talk at night and by chance fall asleep in the same bed. Have you ever thought that personally talking to someone who actually understands what I'm going through because they've gone through it themselves is helpful to me and him?" Dr. Wentz was quiet. 

"That's what group therapy is for-"

"Screw group therapy!" Louis glared at Dr. Bindle harshly. "I'm talking about talking to someone in private where I'm not reluctant or scared to speak." 

"You get scared to speak?" Dr. Bindle asked simply. Louis bit his cheek. "Speak about what?"

"This is getting off topic." Louis stated. Harry just rubbed his temples as the pressure in his forehead increased. "Let's get back on the topic of what we were doing wrong." He stared at Dr. Bindle placidly as he waited for a response, but none came. "This is so ridiculous." Louis exclaimed outraged and stood up. "You can't even tell us what we're doing wrong because we haven't been doing anything wrong! You can't give us one measly reason. Dr. Fairchild couldn't even explain how taking off our bathroom door is helping anyone at all, this whole place is full of shit! You're all full of shit! I swear, I'll press charges for malpractice or something." He crossed his arms tightly across his chest again.

"That's not even feasible, but good try." Dr. Bindle said smiling thinly. He was so infuriating. Extremely infuriating! He made Louis want to punch a wall. 

"You're such a twat." He spat sternly before pivoting around and leaving the room. Harry sat in the chair awkwardly, avoiding eye contact, wondering if he should just get up and leave too. 

"You may leave too." Dr. Bindle said wearily and closed his eyes. Harry quickly jumped up and fled the room, hurrying into his and Louis's room where Louis was already pacing back and forth furiously with his fists clenched so tightly his nails were cutting into his palms. 

"Lou, calm down." Harry said closing the door. 

"I can't fucking calm down. Gosh, he makes me so mad!" Louis hollered continuing to pace in the middle of the room. 

"Just take deep breaths."

"I hope he takes deep breaths under water." Louis muttered under his breath. "He couldn't even tell us what we were doing wrong or what rule we were breaking or anything!" He shouted. "He's so ignorant! How the bloody hell is he a doctor?" He exclaimed and Harry chuckled a little, standing in the corner by the door. 

"Lou, there's nothing to be getting so upset about. So we got called in there for a stupid pointless talk. He's ignorant, we didn't do anything wrong. It's okay." He took a step closer to Louis. 

"It's not just that." Louis said. "This whole place is so. . .daft. I hate it! I mean, seriously, are they even helping us? No. All we do is get forced to eat and sit through that blasted group therapy every morning that is so pointless."

"It may seem pointless now but maybe it's helping in way you don't even realize yet." 

"Whose side are you on?" Louis asked him sternly and Harry scoffed.

"I'm on the side that makes you feel better about yourself. That makes you happier and healthier." He replied austerely. Louis crossed his arms and inhaled slowly. 

"Sorry," 

"It's okay." Harry said softly. "You have nothing to be sorry for." Louis exhaled heavily and brought his hands to his head, rubbing his temples. 

"I'm feel like I'm about to burst a blood vessel." He closed his eyes and took deep breaths. 

"Why don't you sit down or something?" Harry suggested. "Maybe splash some cold water on your face?" Louis took another deep breath and turned around, he walked into the bathroom and Harry stood in the room, not really sure what to do. He knew Louis had a temper, everyone did, and he wasn't quite sure how to do deal with it. 

Sometimes people did some pretty fucked up things when they got really mad and Louis was really mad. Some people punch walls, some people punch others, and some really spit out some awful words.

So he wasn't sure what to do, but he knew he had to call a nurse when the sound of shattering glass in the bathroom startled him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha I hate this chapter


	27. Chapter 27

"Fuck!" Louis's voice echoed into the room and Harry rushed to the bathroom. The first thing he saw was pieces of glass in the sink and cracks in the mirror. Louis was standing in front of it with a pained expression as he held up his arm with bloody knuckles. 

"Louis!" He exclaimed in shock. "You punched the fucking mirror?" He shouted and Louis looked at him with tearful eyes. "Fuck," Harry swore turning back around. He hurried out of the room and into the hallway in pursuit of a nurse. "Nurse!" Harry exclaimed walking up to a random one holding a clipboard. They looked up at him, bewildered by his urgent tone. 

"What is it?" The nurse, Nurse Fleck, asked. 

"Um, Louis, he, um, punched the mirror in our bathroom and there's shards of glass in the sink and his knuckles are all, like, bloody." He said breathlessly. The nurses eyes widened in shock, his mouth parting open a bit.

"What's your room?" He asked urgently.

"Uh, 13 A." The nurse sped off to the room. Harry dawdled back unsurely, trailing back to the room slowly. Less than 30 seconds later the nurse was escorting Louis out of the room and took him off to a place in the unit Harry wasn't familiar with. Harry walked back into the room and walked over to the bathroom. Just a few shards had broken off from the impact and fell into the sink. Multiple cracks now tarnished the mirror and the cement wall behind it was now visible from the parts that had cracked off. Louis punched the mirror hard. Like, really hard. Harry didn't even know Louis could hit something so physically hard. 

Harry sighed morosely before turning around to almost smacking into two other nurses. 

"Sorry, we're gonna need you to stay out of the way." One of them said. Harry stepped around them and into the room as they moved in and started cleaning up the broken glass. 

"Is anything going to, like, happen with Louis?" Harry asked meekly. 

"No, nothing necessarily should." One said and relief washed over Harry. "They'll probably just wrap his hand, maybe give him something to sleep, and he'll probably just have a meeting with one of the doctors. But you're going to be without a mirror for awhile." They added. Harry exhaled tiredly and walked over to his bed, dropping down on it. 

Couldn't there ever be a moment of peace? Harry just lied on his bed, staring up at the ceiling as the nurses left with the shards and someone else came in to actually remove the other pieces of the mirror from the wall so now there was only a cement rectangle where it used to be. 

Time passed, not much, and then it was time for lunch. Harry made his way to the dayroom and sat down in silence. Everyone was silent because everyone had heard already.

"So," Patricia spoke bravely. "What happened with Louis?" 

"He punched the mirror." Harry answered flatly as he prodded his little salad with his fork. 

"Why?" She asked. 

"I don't know." And he truly didn't. It couldn't of been about what Dr. Bindle had said, right? The whole meeting was a waste of time and waste of anger. There was nothing to be so worked up about, but knowing Louis, he could get worked up over anything, pointless or not. Louis was complex, to say the least. 

The rest of lunch was quiet. For Harry at least, the girls talked as usual, but Harry just ate silently. When he was done he headed back to his room where Louis was lying in bed, cuddled together under his blanket. 

"Louis?" Harry asked softly. Louis was on his side with his back to Harry so he couldn't really see if Louis was genuinely asleep or not. But when he didn't respond a second time, Harry presumed he was asleep. So he grabbed his book from his desk, sat himself on his bed, and continued from the page he left off on.

-

Louis's eyes fluttered opened slowly and Harry watched him intently. Louis exhaled and closed his eyes again. He titled his head up slightly and peeked at his wrapped hand before falling back against the pillow. 

"How are you feeling?" Harry asked softly. 

"Groggy." Louis said with his eyes closed. He opened them and turned his head to the side, gazing at Harry who was lying next to him on his side. 

"I think they gave you a sedative, or something to make you sleep. You slept through lunch and dinner and it's 10:54." 

"Why are you still awake?" Louis asked and Harry shrugged.

"Couldn't sleep." Louis smiled a little before sighing. 

"Wow." He said apathetically. Harry gazed at him admirably, often how Louis gazed at the stars in an admirable way. The moon gave the room a halo-ish kind of effect, giving everything it touched a glow. 

"You really need to work on your anger management." He said softly and Louis nodded in agreement. If he had gotten anything from his father, it was his anger problem. Louis did not manage his anger well at all, if that wasn't completely obvious. 

"I know." He said softly. 

"What even happened?" 

"I don't even know," Louis admitted lackadaisically. "I was just so furious, then I walked into the bathroom, saw myself in the mirror, and just lost it." He explained.

"Why were you even so mad to begin with?" Harry asked. "Was it just because of what Dr. Bindle said about us not sleeping in the same bed?" 

"Yeah, I don't know why, but it pissed me off so much what he was saying." Louis started raising his tone slightly. "He's a homophobic twat, that's the conclusion I've come to." He added and Harry smiled, chuckling softly. 

"All he said was that he wanted us to sleep in our own beds." 

"But why does it matter if we don't?!" Louis exclaimed indignantly and Harry placed his hand over Louis's uninjured one. Louis took a deep breath and looked at Harry intently. "Like, who fucking cares if two patients want to sleep in the same bed? Did they catch us having sex? No. Are we affecting the other patients in a negative way? No. Is it affecting us negatively? No, in fact, I'd say it's helping us." Harry just smiled a weary smile. 

"Sometimes people are just plain stupid." He joked lightly and Louis smiled. He turned his head back and stared back up at the ceiling. He sighed contently. 

"Can't say that's the first time I punched a mirror." He said and Harry looked at him curiously. "I have this full length mirror in my bathroom," He explained before shaking his head. "Goodness, if I had a dollar for every minute I stood standing in front of it criticizing my own body." He laughed apathetically. "One night I just got so frustrated with myself I lashed out and punched it and it fell over and shattered into pieces."

"Well, I can't say I've ever punched a mirror, but I have punched a wall once." Harry said and Louis smiled. 

"Why?" He asked looking at him curiously. 

"I don't even remember, I was really pissed about something and just busted through the dry wall." He laughed dryly and Louis smiled a little. 

"I don't think I've ever punched a wall."

"How does your hand feel?" Harry asked glancing at it. It was just wrapped in a bit of gauze. 

"Sore." Louis said looking at it also. He tried to flex his hand before cringing. "Stings." He added. "Did I really sleep through lunch and dinner?" He then asked and Harry chuckled, smiling at him endearingly.

"Yes, you did. Must've been a strong sedative." 

"I don't even remember much." He admitted. "I remember punching the mirror and all and being brought to some little room that looked like an examining room at a doctors office and them cleaning off my hand and wrapping it up and stuff. And that's it." He said. "I don't remember being brought back here or anything." 

"Do you remember anything the nurse might've said to you?" Harry asked. Louis pursed his lips together. 

"He just kept asking what provoked me to punch the mirror and I don't think I said anything." He said with a shrug. 

"What did provoke you? Besides the anger towards Dr. Bindle." He teased. Louis exhaled tiredly then sighed. 

"I don't know, seeing myself." He said. "I don't like seeing myself, it frustrates me." He added. "Which sounds like a huge contradiction because, like I said, I used to spend so much time standing in front of my mirror looking at myself, seeing what needed to be fixed next." He explained. "Maybe that's why I'm so mad all the time." He then muttered.

"I know how you feel." Harry said. "It seems like there's always something you can try and change. Oh, my stomachs not flat enough, my thighs are too big, I can't see my collar bones enough, my cheekbones aren't as shallow enough, and so on and so forth." Harry mimicked. 

"Story of my life." Louis mumbled glancing around the room. 

"Sadly." Harry added. 

"I hate it how other people can be confident about their bodies and then there's people like me," Louis said quietly. 

"Well, is anyone ever truly confident with their body? I think everyone has at least one thing they don't like and would wish to change." 

"And what's that one thing for us? Everything?" Louis retorted and Harry swallowed thickly. 

"Well, sometimes people take more action to fix said insecurity." He said softly. "But the problem with that is that once you think you've fixed it you find something else you think you need to, like, fix. But you never actually fix anything because it can't be fixed." 

"I hate this." Louis said. 

"Hate what?" Harry asked.

"Everything. Myself." He said apathetically. 

"I used to hate myself. A part of me still does, another part doesn't know what to think." Harry said. 

"Have you ever cut yourself?" Louis asked and Harry looked at him. 

"Yeah, once." He answered. "And I regret it. You?" 

"Almost, but I decided against it." 

"It's not all it's cracked up it be." Harry said jokingly and Louis laughed merrily. He turned over on his side and gazed at Harry. 

"Can we talk about something else?" He asked and Harry nodded.

"Like what?" He asked. "The stars?" He teased and Louis smiled. 

"What's your favorite holiday?" He asked. Harry pursed his lips together in thought. 

"I'm not sure, either Valentine's Day," Louis faked a gag making Harry smile, "Or Halloween." He finished. 

"Ew, Valentine's Day? Really?" He ridiculed.

"Yeah," Harry said. "It's a sweet day." He insisted.

"It's a stupid day." Louis stated. "Why does there have to be one day set aside for showing your affection for someone? Shouldn't that just happened everyday?" He asked.

"I guess that's one way to think of it." Harry said with a shrug. "I think it's a special day." He smiled. "Sure, people can show their affection everyday, but Valentines is just extra special." 

"What if I want to make February 20th, like, a really special day?" Louis asked and Harry laughed happily. 

"Well, then do as you wish!" He exclaimed and Louis laughed with him. "Whats your favorite holiday?" Harry asked. 

"I like Halloween." Louis said contently. "I always thought it was fun dressing up and getting lots and lots of candy." He explained. 

"That was always a fun time." Harry agreed with a small smile. 

"Of course, that was back when I ate candy." Louis mumbled somberly and Harry looked at him austerely.

"If you keep focusing on the past you're never going to be able to move forward." Louis sighed. 

"I know, but it's so much easier to dwell on the past than it is to move on." His tone was weary. 

"That's why people usually have troubles moving on, but you can do it." He reached over and swept Louis's hair away from his eyes. "We both can." He added bringing his hand back. "Like hell, if you can make truce with your father you can make truce with anything. Even yourself." Louis looked at him. 

"Dr. Wentz said that same thing to me. Not word for word, but he said that if I could make peace with my dad I could make peace with anything. Even myself." 

"Great minds think alike." Harry said with a smirk. 

"I don't think your mind is that great." Louis teased and Harry laughed. 

"Meanie." He stuck his tongue out at him. Louis sighed contently before sitting up. 

"You know what I want?" Harry looked up at him curiously as he stared off looking rather pensive.

"What do you want?"

"I want a star." Harry laughed. "I want the brightest star in the galaxy and I want to keep it in my room, that way whenever I'm feeling down, I can just go look at my star and its light will penetrate my darkness." Harry didn't think that Louis and darkness went together. He didn't see him as a boy trying to regain his lost light, but as a boy with light already inside him fighting to shine through once again. The light already touched his eyes and smile and laugh, but his thoughts and words failed to triumph.

"Um, maybe it wasn't a sedative they gave you...," Harry trailed off before laughing softly. Louis just rolled his eyes at him. 

"Whatever, I still want a star." He sighed. "Ugh, I have to use the bathroom." He threw the blanket off him and stood up, stretching his arms and back. 

"Well, after sleeping for practically 12 hours, I'm not surprised." He said watching Louis. 

"Ha, ha." Louis mimicked dryly. He smiled as he sauntered around the bed and into the bathroom. He flipped the light on and paused, looking at the wall. The mirror was gone. Was he surprised? Hell no. He just took a deep breath and continued on with what he was doing. He finished in the bathroom quickly, still weary about them not having a bathroom door, and walked back into the room. Harry looked over at him and smiled. Louis smiled back and actually stepped up on the mattress, giggling down at Harry like a mischievous child. And in reality he was. 

"So are you going to stay awake for twelve hours now?" Harry teased and Louis just laughed. He looked around, as if he had something to be alerted about, then turned back to forward. 

"Oh no," Louis gasped in feign fright. "Did you feel that?" Harry looked up at him completely confused. 

"What?" Louis shook his legs like a baby doe standing up for the first time and Harry cracked a smile, gazing up at Louis. 

"It feels like a. . .Louis-quake!" He exclaimed. He jumped in the air and landed on the side of the bed he was lying on before thrashing around violently, causing the bed to shake. "Oh no! Harry, we have to take cover!" He exclaimed continuing to make the bed shake as if an actual earthquake was happening. 

Harry was laughing too hard to say anything and Louis settled down, lying against the mattress breathing heavily. 

"Are you done?" Harry asked completely endeared. Louis exhaled deeply, not saying anything. 

"Uh-oh," He mumbled. "Aftershock!" He rolled over on top of Harry and started shaking the mattress like before. Harry burst into another fit of giggles and Louis was guffawing himself. He stopped and settled down on top of Harry again who beamed up at him. 

"You are so fucking adorable." He raved and Louis giggled. He sat up on his waist, smiling down at him. 

"You are so fucking dead. That was a serious natural disaster and you didn't take any precaution or get in a safe place." Louis teased.

"Well, my safe place is with you. So wherever you are is my safe place." Louis grinned cutely. "How's your hand? You didn't hurt it having your little seizure did you?" Harry then asked patronizingly. 

"Nope, my hands fine." Louis said holding up and examined it. "And it wasn't a seizure, it was a serious earthquake, didn't you feel it?" He asked peering down at him narrowly. 

"Well, I felt you throwing yourself on top of me," He teased and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Fine then, no kisses on your boo-boo's for you." Harry smirked up at him. Louis was so adorable when he got in these moods. Moods where he was completely energetic, and adorable, and silly, and just himself. It was so endearing to see him act such a way. It drove him crazy. He wanted them to be somewhere else. Like his bedroom, or Louis's bedroom, or in one of their dorm rooms maybe, or even just in one of their cars. Anywhere but here in this stupid hospital room. He hated that they were in a hospital, but it could be worse. Louis couldn't be here. 

Louis cracked a small smile and Harry tore himself away from his thoughts. 

"You're so mean." He pouted and Louis smiled at him in feign innocence. He leaned down and tilted Harry's head up slightly with a finger under his chin. He kissed him softly and Harry's breath caught. Louis kissed so innocently, so softly and so tenderly, like every time they kissed they were kissing for the first time. And Harry loved it. He loved Louis's soft little lips, and how his hands felt on his cheek, and, fuck, the way he was sitting up on his lap right now. He loved how Louis was this ball of sunshine radiating warmth and happiness and he even loved how sometimes Louis was a little storm cloud striking everything he came in contact with with lightning. He loved his voice, when he talked in a happy tone and when he laughed and giggled. He loved his personality, he loved his hair, he loved his sarcasm and his genuineness, and he loved. . .

Fuck it, he loved Louis.


	28. Chapter 28

The next week was a little. . .quiet and heavy. Louis had a nice, long, strenuous meeting with Dr. Fairchild about punching the mirror. The next thing he was to work on was his anger management. Which was probably going to be hard seeing as how little control he had over his anger. 

His knuckles blistered over which it made painful to close his fist. They still didn't have a mirror and Louis didn't think they'd be getting another soon along with their bathroom door, but Louis, and Harry, were beginning to get used to not having it. 

They were still sleeping in the same bed, they weren't actually going to listen to Dr. Bindle when they weren't doing anything wrong. There was nothing wrong with sleeping in the same bed unless they started having sex or something, but that was never going to happen. 

While Louis was dealing with his own little battle, Harry was dealing with one of his own. He loved Louis. Like, loved him. Did he truly, though? He thought he loved Louis, but what did love even feel like? Was love the butterflies in his stomach that made an appearance practically every time he was around Louis? Was it that rush of giddiness he felt every time Louis smiled at him? Or that undeniable happy feeling he gets from him? Maybe it was a combination of all those things. Maybe it was one of those things. He wasn't sure what he knew, but he did know that he wanted to be with Louis. Truly be with him. He wanted to be able to call him his boyfriend, and hug him, and kiss him, and cuddle him in bed, or cuddle him in front of a fireplace, and take him on dates, and celebrate holidays with him like Halloween, Christmas, even Valentine's Day, and just make endless love to him. 

Was he getting way ahead of himself and being maybe too optimistic? Probably, but who cares? People can fantasize, right? 

It was 2 o'clock and Louis and Harry were in the dayroom sitting on the little couch together. Louis was curled up on one end and had his legs stretched out over Harry's lap which Harry liked. It made him feel like they were close. Harry was flipping through the tv channels trying to decide on something to watch. 

"Want to watch SpongeBob?" He asked. 

"Anything else?" 

"Well, what do you like to watch?" Harry asked and Louis shrugged. 

"I don't know, I'm usually just stuck watching whatever my sisters have on so that means a lot of Disney channel and Nickelodeon, and whatever else they want to see." 

"Ever seen Chopped?" 

"What's it about?" Louis asked.

"It's a cooking competition and these people have twenty minutes to make meals with these crazy mystery ingredients." Harry explained putting it on then placed the remote down.

"Sounds interesting." Louis said glancing at the screen. "Ew! They have to use black chicken? That looks disgusting!" He exclaimed watching the tv and Harry laughed watching Louis's facial expression. "Who would eat that?!" He asked looking at Harry horrified. 

"Apparently lots of people." He joked and Louis just laughed. 

"I can't cook to save a life. I'd kill everyone there if I were in the competition." He said and Harry smiled at him. 

"I'm sure you're actually a pretty good cook." Louis gave him a patronizing glance.

"Want to bet?" He asked. 

"Sure." Harry teased. 

"Okay, well, one time in 8th year for my FACS class we had to make tea muffins and I put in 1/4 cup of salt instead of 1/4 tea spoon." He said. "And another time I was making cupcakes and completely forgot the sugar so they were all lumpy and tasteless. One time I made brownies and put 1 and 2/3rds cup of oil in instead of just 2/3rds and they were literally boiling when I took them out." He added. "And another time I was making my little sister a grilled cheese sandwich and completely forgot about it so it burned completely black on one side." He finished. "Still want to make that bet?" He asked smirking and Harry chuckled. 

"Um, no." He laughed and Louis smiled. "I, on the other hand, am presumably a good cook. I don't actually cook much, but what I have cooked in the past it has been quite amazing." He joked. "Just ask my mother." Louis nudged him in the leg with his foot.

"Not a biased opinion or anything." Harry smiled modestly. 

"Oh, of course not." Louis smiled back before yawning and resting his head against the couch cushion.

"I'm tired." He said closing his eyes. 

"Aw, did the princess not get enough beauty sleep?" Harry taunted. Louis lifted his leg up and drove his heel down on Harry's crotch making him double in pain and reach for his groin. "Louis!" He groaned pushing his foot out of his lap. "Shit." He cursed. "You realized you could've just killed my kids." He said glaring at Louis jokingly as he managed to sit up again. 

"Hun, when you're gay, that kind of thing does not matter." Louis teased lightly and Harry cracked a smile, rolling his eyes. 

"Oh my gawd," He said in a totally exaggerated, stereotyped voice. Louis laughed merrily, his nose crinkling in happiness that made Harry just swoon. 

"Oh my gawd, girl, that bag does not go with those shoes. Tsk, tsk." He mocked and they both burst into a fit of laughter. 

"Oh my goodness, Lou. Don't be so stereotypical." Harry joked sarcastically. 

"If anyone's stereotypical it's heterosexual white boys." Louis stated before rolling his eyes. "Oh my goodness, that guy is gay, he must think I'm totally attractive and want to date me." He mimicked and Harry snickered. "He must be mentally undressing me right now, oh no. How will I live my life now knowing this homosexual guy with a boyfriend wants to get me in bed." 

"I hate heterosexual white boys." Harry said in a sarcastic tone. 

"And not just cos they're straight." Louis added before they both laughed again. Man, Louis's laughter was like sunshine for the ears. It was such a beautiful sound. As was Harrys laughter. If kittens laughed they'd sound like Harry. It was a very securing sound, it made them feel home.

"I've literally had a guy tell me, 'You better not be checking me out, I have a girlfriend.' And I just laughed and walked away. Like, you can check out girls who have boyfriends, but a second a guy might just so happen to be checking out another guy who has a girlfriend he freaks the fuck out. Like, the laws of physics have suddenly got haywire."

"I hate it how it's perceived that if you're gay you're immediately checking out and drooling over all the other guys. Like, fine then, if you're straight then I'm going to perceive you as checking out and drooling over all the girls. How do you like them apples?" He said making Harry smile. 

"That's the problem, they think they've turned into the girl." He added and Louis nodded. 

"Exactly, like calm down and realize that you're ugly as hell and I wouldn't waste five second checking you out." Harry laughed again, shaking his head. Louis was so. . .charismatic.

"You sure tell it like it is." Louis smiled proudly. 

"I sure do." He said. "There's no need to sugar coat everything. Either tell it like it is or don't say anything at all. If someone's singing isn't that good, then just tell them. If someone's painting or drawing looks like shit, then just straight up tell them. You aren't helping anyone by sugar coating everything." 

"Maybe some things need to be sugarcoated." Harry suggested and Louis looked at him. 

"Like what? There's a difference between sugarcoating something and lying." 

"Well, you could just kindly criticize." Harry suggested. 

"That's called constructive criticism." Louis said and Harry smirked at him. 

"I'm just saying." 

"Well, opposites attract, don't they?" Louis asked and Harry furrowed his eyebrows in curiosity.

"What makes you say that?" He asked. 

"I don't know, we just seem so different." Louis said. "I'm so loud and outspoken, you're so quiet and reserved. You think communication isn't that important, I do. You think people need sugarcoats, I don't. You don't get mad that easily and I can turn into the hulk at the drop of a hat." He laughed and Harry grinned at him. "You know, just opposites kind of." He finished with a shrug. He probably wouldn't be saying this in the dayroom if there were more people, but it was just them and Nurse Ingrid was overseeing them as a protocol sort of thing. He didn't really care if she heard because she already knew and was presumably the only one okay with them. Plus he didn't think she was necessarily listening. 

"I'll tell you one thing we have in common, we love the stars." Harry offered a sweet smile and Louis bit back his grin. 

"You never actually told me love the stars." He retorted.

"Ah, but I see the stars in your eyes and I love your eyes." Harry was like a giant drop of sap from a tree. He was always so sappy.

"You're such a sap! Knock it off." Louis's gleeful tone wasn't very convincing as he pushed at Harry's arm. 

"You say sap, I say romantic!" He exclaimed making Louis giggle contently. 

"And I say you're a dork. A sappy dork."

"A sappy romantic dork." Harry corrected much to just see the look of happiness on Louis's face when he laughed at his amusement. 

"A sappy loser." Louis teased. Harry rolled his eyes and held up his hand between them as a stop sign. 

"I don't need to waste more time with you."

"I'm young, I'm sexy, I'm too fucking cool." Louis sang through his laughter and Harry cracked, looking back at him with a grin.

"I learned about what you do, so I choose my girlfriends. Not you." He continued. "I live on my own, I do what I want. I live on my own. I do what I want." He sang and Louis watched him in amusement. "No boyfriend? No problem." Harry started humming the instrumental part and dancing goofily from the couch. 

"You really are a dork." Louis said and he stopped. 

"I do what I want." He told him seriously before guffawing. 

"Something's you want to do shouldn't be done." Louis said in a sudden serious note. 

"Wow." Harry replied solemnly. 

"Just sayin'." Louis shrugged softly then sighed. 

"Well, you didn't have to." Harry mumbled apathetically. 

He had to. 

-

It was nighttime and the night was a bad time because in the night it's just you, your thoughts, and the darkness. There's no sunshine. There's no awake Louis sitting beside you laughing and making you feel happy. It's just you and your thoughts. And sometimes your thoughts can creep up on you and there's no real way to get rid of them because there's nothing you can do except lie in bed. Sure, maybe Harry could squeeze Louis for reassurance or even wake him up so he could talk it out, but he didn't want to be a bother. He was a big enough bother already.

It was midnight and Harry had slid out of bed carefully and begun pacing back and forth. His last weigh in was slowly killing him. He weighed 145 pounds. A whole one hundred and forty five pounds. He was getting so fat! Why couldn't he just stay at 135 or even 125? He was perfectly fine and healthy at those weights, but no. The doctors just want to make you fat then throw you back out into the world of ridicule and judgment. He couldn't handle that world, though! His head was spinning and his palms were sweating. Making a hasty decision, he pivoted around and marched into the bathroom, keeping the light off. His throat was already burning as he kneeled down in front of the toilet and pulled up the seat. Tears pooled in the corners of his eyes and he took a deep breath. 

"Just one last time. This is the last time." He whispered to himself for reassurance. He opened his mouth and stuck his two fingers in his mouth, reaching further and further back until he was ridding his stomach of all its disgusting contents. 

He grit his teeth swallowing hard after doing such a thing then spit into the bowl. His whole body was shaking and he felt so lightheaded. He wiped his lips with the side of his hand and closed the lid, hoping that would muffle the sound of it flushing. Taking a deep breath he climbed to his feet again and flushed the toilet, cringing at how much louder it seemed. He turned on the faucet and cupped his hand, catching some of the water and scooping it up to his lips. He rinsed his mouth then splashed some water on his warm face. Quietly, he stepped back into the room, but sitting up in his bed with tears gleaming in his eyes was Louis. 

"Harry?" Shit, he sounded so sad. Harry let out a breath and glanced at him before quickly looking away. He couldn't bear to see him upset. "You promised you wouldn't do it anymore, they took off our entire bathroom door because of this yet you're still doing this." He said raising his voice. 

"Fuck, I know." Harry ran his fingers through his hair and moved it away from his eyes. 

"How many times have you done this since?" 

"This is the first since the other." Harry said and Louis sighed apathetically. 

"Haz, you need to stop, this isn't a good habit to get into-"

"You think I don't fucking know that?" Harry snapped. Louis sat there quietly. "I know that. I knew all the shit I was going to be putting myself through when I noticed I started getting bad, but I still couldn't stop it!" He exclaimed. 

"Well then it's time to stop acting strong and actually be strong," Louis said softly. 

"Listen to yourself, Louis." Harry retorted. "You can't just become strong. Would you be taking your own advice right now?" He asked. Louis looked up at him meekly, his pink cheeks washed white in the moonlight. 

"Probably not." He admitted shyly. "But Harry-" 

"Look, it's inevitable really, if you think about it," Harry interrupted with a shrug. 

"But you promised me." Louis said softly. 

"You told me yourself you don't believe in promises." Harry retorted. 

"Well I guess I was wrong when I thought you might actually be a little bit different." Louis replied coldly and Harry inhaled slowly.

"Lou-"

"Just tell me you won't do it again." Louis cut in softly.

"What?" 

"I'd say promise me you won't do it again but obviously that was a bust so please just tell me you won't do it again." Louis said raising his tone silently. Tears brimmed his eyelids and were so close to rolling down his cheeks, but he was doing his best not to cry in front of Harry. Harry just stood there quietly, not saying a word. "Will you please just say it? Because this is the second time I've caught you doing this and quite honestly you're making me scared to go to sleep at night." Louis said hastily and Harry looked down at him. 

"I'm making you scared to go to sleep?" He repeated quietly. The tears rolled his cheeks now as he nodded.

"Yes, because I'm scared I'm going to wake up to the sound of you vomiting again or something!" He exclaimed then wiped his cheeks dry with his wrist. "I'm afraid of this happening and I don't actually wake up. Fuck, it happened for six weeks Harry and I never woke up. That scares me." He said with a shaky breath.

"Why does it scare you?" Harry asked almost skeptically while crossing his arms. Why would Louis be scared? Nothing scary was happening. 

"Because I care about you!" Louis exclaimed angrily. "And I hate seeing you do this, I hate seeing you hurt yourself more than you need to." 

"More than I need to?" Harry repeated questionably and Louis rubbed his eyes tiredly. 

"Are you really that oblivious to how much of a negative impact you are creating by doing this?Do you not realize how much extra, like, pain you're causing yourself? You're complicating everything up! Harry, if you keep doing this and they find out they are going to move you into a separate room or even worse, to a different hospital. Lord knows I've gotten that threat uncountable times." 

"That was the last time I'm ever going to do it." Harry said softly. 

"You sound like a drunk saying that this one beer is going to be his last." Louis snapped. "But it isn't." He added darkly. 

"P-Please don't tell the doctors." Harry pleaded meekly and stared at the tiled floor.

"Give me one good reason." Louis challenged crossing his arms and Harry looked up at him. 

"Because. . .please, just don't. I know you probably should, but please don't. It was the last time, I promise." He pleaded.

"Oh, you promise?" He asked and Harry nodded meekly. "Well I don't believe in promises." He deadpanned. 

"Louis, please." Harry practically begged. Louis took a deep breath and looked up at him. 

"I won't say anything." He whispered and relief just washed over Harry. 

"Thank you." He replied sincerely even though he knew he didn't deserve Louis's generosity or even just Louis altogether. Louis just nodded, pressing his lips together. 

"Yes, well, goodnight." Louis turned back to the bed and picked up the cover. Harry took a subconscious step forward before Louis turned to him sharply with a knowing look. Harry exhaled and took a step back before walking over to his bed to sleep by himself.

He dropped down on his bed and pulled his blanket close, but the blanket couldn't substitute the warmth he felt lying beside Louis. He knew he was wrong and he knew he should not have done it, but that just made him all the more willing to do it because to him it was something he felt like he had to do. 

He was already sick of himself and the toxic sludge that seemed to be building up in his body from the hospitals food, but he felt so light and euphoric after emptying his body of all its contents. 

His head was spinning and he felt like he was going to throw up a second time, except this time it wouldn't have been forced. The feeling passed and he took deep breaths before he somehow managed to fall asleep. 

Louis, on the other hand, couldn't manage to fall back asleep. He almost felt more guilty than Harry did! A part of him almost felt responsible, like it was up to him to stop Harry. Is that how his mother felt? Like it was up to her to stop Louis from not eating? 

He tossed around on his side before settling down on his stomach. His heart ached for Harry. A part of him didn't know if he should believe Harry when he said he wouldn't induce vomiting again. A part of him wanted to believe, but all of him had believed him before and now he was feeling pretty let down. He didn't know why he put so much faith in Harry to keep his word when he of all people should've known that keeping your word was just as hard as eating. 

He let out a soft sigh before closing his eyes in hopes of falling asleep. That would prove to be impossible from the blue devils dancing around his heart to his merry tune.


	29. Chapter 29

The morning was uneasy. Much like the time they had actually gotten into a fight when Harry said Louis was pushing him to admit problems he didn't have, but it wasn't to that extent. There wasn't any tension and if there was there wasn't much. They woke up. They got dressed and got ready for the long day. They went to the dayroom and ate breakfast quietly. Of course, if Harry and Louis were quiet something must've been wrong. The girls talked away animatedly as always but did notice the silence between Harry and Louis. Of course no one dare saying, though. They just shared questionable looks and shrugs. 

Breakfast ended and they both ventured back into the room. Harry sat at his desk and pulled out his book. Louis sat on his bed with his pencil and little journal, writing his "assignment" for today's group therapy. Write down eating disorder behaviors or habits and how you can avoid them. But Louis couldn't focus, he was watching Harry solemnly. He climbed up off the bed and walked up to Harry's desk. Harry looked up at him curiously and Louis placed down his journal and pencil down. 

"I want it in writing." 

"What?" Harry asked unsurely. 

"You wouldn't say it so I want it in writing." Louis repeated and Harry furrowed his eyebrows. He glanced down at the blank sheet of paper then back up at Louis. He closed his book and pushed it aside. He grabbed the edge of the booklet and pulled it closer, taking the pencil in his other hand. He started writing and Louis watched the way he wrote intently. Harry placed the pencil down and glanced up at Louis. 

"And I mean it." He held the journal up to Louis. Louis grabbed the pencil off the desk and smiled thinly.

"I'll hold you to that." Harry smiled back and nodded. Louis felt somewhat better and went back over to his bed while Harry opened back up to his book page. Louis sat down and opened to the page, reading what Harry wrote. 

I solemnly swear that I promise to never induce vomiting or make you sad again.   
Love Harry

And drawn right beside his signature was a little heart that made Louis smile. Did this mean things between them were good now? No one really said anything, but maybe nothing had to be said. After all, actions speak louder than words. 

Louis just flipped back to his previous page and continued writing from where he had left off. Time passed and the time for group therapy rolled around. Louis and Harry walked together into the dayroom together and sat down beside each other, just as usual. Everyone was sitting quietly and Dr. Wentz took his seat with a grunt. 

"So," He started and those who had been chatting quieted down. "What are eating disorder behaviors?"

"Are behaviors the same thing as symptoms?" Patricia asked. 

"Presumably." He answered with a nod. "Symptoms, behaviors, habits, it's all the same thing really." He continued sitting with his legs crossed. "And there's different behaviors or symptoms for each disorder so it varies really." He added. "Anyone want to share something they've written?" He asked glancing around the circle. 

"Well, you know, dieting is sort of a habit to get into." Macy spoke up. "You know, constant adherence to increasingly strict diets, like, no matter what your weight is. That's kind of like a habit." 

"It is." Dr. Wentz nodded. 

"I used to skip school just so I could go to gym and work out the entire day." Morgan added. 

"That's the only thing I'd do on the weekends." Patricia piped up. 

"I'd spend my weekends binging and purging." Liz said. "Sometimes I'd just purge even if I hadn't ate anything." She added sadly. 

"Has anyone ever gotten antsy around situations where you'd know there'd be food?" Dr. Wentz asked. Everyone nodded. "Have you ever tried to avoid those situations?" He then asked. 

"Another habit I got into." Jay Lynn said. "I practically had anxiety attacks just going to lunch because my friends always grilled me about why I never ate as much anymore. I'd just lie and say I didn't have any lunch money and then they'd just offer to share their food and it was so nerve racking." She crossed her arms tightly. "I eventually just stopped going to lunch and went to the library instead." 

"I hate Christmas so much." Claire then said and everyone nodded, making a soft noise of agreement. 

"Christmas is the worst." Eleanor added shaking her head. 

"Literally everyone in my family is a cook or really into cooking so when we all get together there'd be so much food all around and I know I shouldn't eat it all but holidays with my family are so unbearable then before I know it I've scarfed down at least a thousand calories in an hour and. . .," Claire trailed off turning her head down to wipe her teary eyes. Liz reached over and rubbed her back sympathetically. 

"I know how you feel." Annabel whispered melancholily. "It just feels so tempting being around so much delicious looking food." She mumbled. 

"What's bad is having your relatives, like, shove the food in your face and say, "Come on! Try it, it's good!" It's so frustrating." Patricia groaned just thinking back to all those times. 

"I hate that." Harry agreed. "One time when my family was together my aunt had made these poppers and was making sure everyone tried them and when I turned it down she wouldn't stop pestering me about trying it. She practically shoved it down my throat for me." He said gritting his teeth.

"Should've been at my mothers wedding." Louis said scoffing and shaking his head. "Why haven't you touched your steak? Aren't you hungry? Is it cooked properly? Would you like us to prepare another one for you? Or would you like the chicken plate instead? Are the potatoes okay? The vegetables aren't cold, are they? How come you aren't eating?" He said in a mocking tone. "I wanted to stab myself with the fork."

"That makes me want to stab myself with a fork." Morgan said and they all laughed softly. 

"So what are some other habits or behaviors?" Dr. Wentz asked. 

"Not eating?" Louis suggested. It was kind of a duh thing.

"That's definitely one." Dr. Wentz said smiling thinly. 

"Denying hunger, refusing to admit that you feel hungry? I always told myself I wasn't hungry when I really was then in the middle of the night I'd end up scarfing down everything in the fridge." Liz said with an apathetical sigh. 

"Taking over the counter medication to suppress your appetite. That's what I did." Jay Lynn added. "Or drugs. Smoking is supposed to increase your metabolism and suppress appetite."

"Eating only certain foods that are really low in calories and such. Like, I had safe foods that practically had 0 calories and those were the only things I'd eat if I absolutely had too." Patricia said.

"Eating patterns." Eleanor added on. "Like, I used to cut my food up into really tiny pieces, just kind of pushing it around my plate, spitting it out after chewing." 

"Taking laxatives and such." Macy added to the list. "Or, like, taking diet pills excessively." 

"Obsessing over your calorie intake." Louis said softly. "And calories burned off with working out." 

"Yeah, and you know, like, obsessing over your weight counts as a habit too, right?" Patricia asked. 

"Most definitely." Dr. Wentz nodded. "Everything you guys have just said counts as a habit or behavior so it's important to avoid those." He added. "Most of the time the problem is that you haven't even realized you've gotten into the habit though, so how can you avoid falling into the habit?" He asked. 

"Instead of exercising excessively and not eating just, like, exercise for a bit and eat healthily?" Macy suggested shyly. 

"Do not resort to laxatives or diet pills." Morgan said. 

"Maybe, if you notice you're, like, getting bad or something talk to someone?" Patricia suggested sheepishly.

"But people don't usually notice that they've gotten bad until they're at, like, rock bottom." Morgan said glancing at her. 

"Well, I mean, when people, like, first start feeling insecure or whatever." She replied. 

"But even then," Morgan started. "Did you talk to anyone once you started feeling insecure or self conscious?" She asked a little patronizingly.

"No." Patricia said meekly. "But this isn't about me. This isn't about anyone specifically. This is just talking about the grand scheme of things." She continued raising her tone. 

"And the grand scheme of things is?" Morgan asked. 

"Not hitting rock bottom." Patricia said angrily. "Just because it didn't work for some doesn't mean it won't for others." She said sternly. Morgan opened her mouth to speak but Dr. Wentz cut in. 

"Okay, let's move on." He said quickly before it would escalate to a full blown screaming match. "What are some good habits to get into?"

"Pretty much same thing as asking how to avoid them." Morgan mumbled under her breath. 

"Yeah, but, you know, just eating healthy and exercising moderately." Liz said.

"Surrounding yourself with good friends." Jay Lynn added. 

"Being productive." Eleanor said. "Like, getting a job, taking a dance class, doing crafts, anything other then just sitting around and doing nothing." She added. Louis sat there, listening closely. He had surrounded himself with good friends and he had been apart of the cheer team which kept him from doing nothing. But the cheer team was the reason he started losing weight, Brandon wasn't as positive as he thought he was at the time, and his father just about made his self esteem and confidence obsolete. Maybe he should've done something like dancing instead of cheer. They don't have weigh ins for dance. He always thought dance looked fun. 

Oh well, it was too late. 

"That's always good. It's never good to just lie around your house all day on your phone or anything. It can lead to depression and even stress." Dr. Wentz explained. 

"But I like being on my phone." Morgan joked with a small smile. 

"Well, no one said the things we liked were good." Dr. Wentz retorted. "Sure, it's fun to be on your phone because that's where all your social media and friends are, but it can be harmful if you spend too much time on it." He said leaning over with one arm on his leg to hold him up.

"How?" She asked.

"Well, like I said, it can cause depression and such. It's not healthy to spend all your time on your phone and the internet. The Internet is a dangerous place to explore." 

"But how? The Internet has everything." She pushed.

"Sure, the internet has its perks, but not many if you really think about it." Dr. Wentz said. "The stuff you subject yourself to on there can be harmful-"

"Like all the thinspiration sites they have out there." Eleanor interrupted quickly. 

"Precisely." Dr. Wentz nodded at her. "You've got the websites out there that actually try to convince you and other vulnerable people that you aren't thin enough and that you need to do this and that. And you got the depression sites, and the cutting ones, and they glorify it to make it look and seem appealing. That's why they put it out there." 

"But that only matters if people choose to look at it." Morgan said crossing her arms. 

"You mean to tell me that you have never ever, ever seen a picture of someone with cuts on their arms or a picture connected to having depression?" He asked and Morgan's expression dropped a little.

"Well. . .no." She mumbled. "But it's not like it made me want to cut or anything." She added.

"That's good, but there are people out there that think if they have cuts on their arms then they'll find a girl or guy to kiss them and make it better, but that's not so." He said. "Or they make it seem like cutting yourself will make everything feel better, but it doesn't. Maybe at the time it does, but in the long run it does not." He continued. "Has anyone here ever cut themselves? It's okay to be honest." He asked and glanced around. Slowly, Harry rose his hand meekly and everyone looked at him.

"It was only once and I regret it." He said hastily. 

"Why?" 

"Because it didn't help anything." Harry said shaking his head. 

"Did you think it would?" Dr. Wentz asked. 

"Yeah, kind of." Harry admitted shyly. "Like you said, it seemed like it might take away the pain and make me feel better but it didn't and the next morning I was still the same person I was before, just with cuts on my arm now." He said timidly. 

"That's the thing, people make it seem like it's the solution." Dr. Wentz stated. "And they glorify it as well which is a huge misconception. There is not a single perk to cutting yourself or having cuts. No one is going to find them cute or attractive. Just because they kiss them doesn't mean the problem is going to magically go away. Oh, that person has scars, let me kiss them and she or he will be healed. Oh, they have depression, let me try and make him or her happy and the depression will never come back again. Oh, they have an eating disorder, let me show him or her that they're beautiful the disorder will be a thing of the past." He said in a mimicking tone. "They glorify it only to exploit it to impressionable young people who get enticed by it all." He ranted. 

"They make it seem like it's almost a good thing. Like it's the only way people will actually   
notice you and care." Macy said. 

"It's like a silent cry for attention and help." Dr. Wentz said. "My stepson Brandon," Louis made a face and rolled his eyes which Dr. Wentz surely noticed. "Is there a problem, Louis?" He asked curiously.

"Nope, just hate that name." Louis sneered which only made Dr. Wentz confused, but he just let it go. 

"Okay, well, you know, he had been going through a tough time and thought cutting would ease the pain he had been dealing with which led to him basically becoming addicted to cutting because it became a temporary solution, but in the long run it just worsened everything." He said with a little shrug. 

"Exactly." Liz said. "My friend used to cut a lot because she said it always made her feel better but I never understood how physically hurting yourself takes away emotional or mental pain."

"The thing they don't tell you is that it doesn't. It just feels like it does. It's like a distraction. It's kind of like drugs." Dr. Wentz explained. "People don't get addicted to drugs, they get addicted to the high it gives them. And once that high ends and the reality of their situation sets back in they scramble around for more drugs so they can go back to that high feeling. Much like how people cut to get rid of whatever feeling they're trying to get rid of, as soon as that feeling goes away and it all comes back they want it to go away again so they keep on cutting."

"That's a stupid distraction." She said and they all chuckled. 

"Nicely put." Dr. Wentz replied with a smile. 

"I almost cut once." Louis spoke up. "Because I thought it would, like, kind of like take away the pain and all." He added softly. 

"Well it's a good thing you didn't because you wouldn't have accomplished anything." Dr. Wentz said. 

"Can people actually become addicted to cutting?" Eleanor asked. 

"People can become addicted to anything." He answered. 

"Yeah, I mean, my friend was and he said his son was." Morgan said. 

"Well, step son." Dr. Wentz corrected. 

"You got remarried?" She asked and he nodded.

"Why?" Jay Lynn asked nosily.

"My wife passed away." He answered quietly. 

"Aw, that's so sad." Jay Lynn said with a pout. 

"How'd she die?" Liz asked.

"An unfortunate car crash." 

"So then how long have you been remarried?" Patricia asked.

"Around four years almost."

"How many children does she have?" Morgan asked. 

"A six year old daughter named Lily, a thirteen year old son named Tobias, and a nineteen year old son named Brandon." He explained with a thin smile. Louis practically jumped out of his seat. 

"What are their last names?" He asked. 

"Wentz, they changed." 

"Before that?" 

"D'Vork." Louis furrowed his eyebrows together questionably because his ex boyfriend Brandon's last name was D'Vork. "I'm getting an indifferent vibe from you." Dr. Wentz joked slightly and they all laughed lightly. Louis just forced a laugh and sat back. Harry leaned over to him.

"That's not your ex boyfriend Brandon is it?" He whispered. 

"Ex boyfriend?" Macy repeated loudly catching wind of what Harry whispered. 

"What?" Morgan asked in confusion and everyone looked around discombobulated. 

"You dated Dr. Wentz's step son?" Macy asked and Louis heated up, his cheeks flushing warm.

"No, I didn't. But I did used to have a boyfriend named Brandon, it's not the same one though." He said frantically. Like, he had been with Brandon for almost two years, Louis liked to think he would've met his step father during some point, but he didn't even know his mother had remarried. He knew Brandon's father had left them, but that was about it. And Brandon did not cut or have a cutting problem so obviously it wasn't the same one. But he did had a younger brother and sister named Lily and Tobias. Louis shook his head and crossed his arms. It didn't even matter anyway. He and Brandon weren't even together anymore so it did not matter. 

"Was he the one you said joked about you being pregnant?" Liz asked curiously.

"Yes." Louis answered in annoyance and a bit of sadness.

"That's ridiculous." Morgan said scoffing. "You don't joke about anyone being pregnant." She said sternly.

"You don't joke about anyone period." Louis said rolling his eyes. 

"But especially that." Macy cut in. 

"Yeah, yeah." Louis mumbled rolling his eyes yet again. He could create tsunamis with a single roll of his eyes. 

-

Group therapy ended soon after. It was probably the most enjoyable one yet in Louis's opinion and he hated group therapy. He and Harry both went back to their room and Louis put his journal on his desk. 

"So is the Brandon Dr. Wentz was talking about your ex or were you just saying he wasn't?" Harry asked him once the door was shut.

"I think so, but I don't know." Louis shrugged running his fingers through his unruly hair. "I mean, he has a little brother and sister named Lily and Tobias and his last name is D'Vork but we were together for almost two years and I didn't even know his mother was remarried." He said. "And as far as I was ever concerned he never had a cutting problem and I don't think it'd take him, like, three months to develop one." He added. "And I mean, I was always at his house a lot, I'd like to think I would've run into his stepdad or whatever at some point. They've been married for four years, I just, that baffles me." 

"You think you really know a person." Harry joked and Louis glanced at him, cracking a smile. 

"Tell me about it." He said. "Seriously, a cutting problem?" He asked pacing around a few steps between his desk and bed. Harry stood in front of him a bit, crossing his arms, and watched Louis intently. He always looked so beautiful. 

"Well, who cares? Is that supposed to justify how he treated you?" He asked softly.

"Well, no." Louis said. It shouldn't, it doesn't. "But still, I feel a little bad for him." He admitted although he didn't want to.

"Did he feel bad for you about your eating disorder?" Harry asked. "I thought you said he said it was about time you were being admitted here or something."

"Well. . .yeah." He said. "But that doesn't mean I'm going to stoop to his level and make some snide remark about him and his cutting." 

"I wasn't saying you should, I was just sayin'." Louis looked at him and smiled apathetically. 

"I know." He said softly. "Plus I'm never going to see him again unless we unfortunately run into each other so it doesn't even matter." He added walking over to Harry. 

"And what a very unfortunate day that'll be." Maybe Harry was a little jealous, but it was stupid really to feel jealous. "So, you aren't mad at me anymore are you?" He asked apprehensively. Louis smiled at him and tip toed up, kissing his lips softly and quickly.

"No." Harry grinned down at him. 

"Good." Louis laughed. He reached up on his tip toes again and wrapped his arms around Harry's neck tightly, hugging him closely. Harry smiled, a little confused, and hugged him back, nestling his chin over Louis's shoulder. Louis took a step back, pulling out of the hug, and Harry admired down at him. "What was that for?" 

"Something about having to get on my tip toes to kiss you and hug you makes me happy." He answered contently and Harry might've just fallen even deeper in love with Louis.


	30. Chapter 30

It was now December which meant Louis had almost been in the EDU for four months. Had it seriously been four months almost already? He hated December, though. His birthday was in December which meant he'd be spending his birthday in the hospital. Yippee.

That was the least of his worries. As far as he was concerned, Harry hadn't forced himself to throw up anymore, in fact, their bathroom door had been put back on the hinges. They still didn't have a mirror though. Liz and Jay Lynn had been discharged and although it was sad to see them go, they were also happy for them. Before they were released another girl was admitted in. Mikayla. She was scarily thin with pale skin and thinning hair. She was extremely quiet, but kind when she did speak.

Louis was upset with his body. He was still gaining weight, everyone was, but his body was bulking up more now. He didn't look like how he did coming in. And neither did Harry. Since reaching 145 pounds he, and Harry, both got the privilege to use the exercise room for one hour a day. What fun. Harry was really bulking up too. In muscle that was. It was a good transformation to see happen though. It made Louis happy to see him getting better and actually feeling better as well. 

His father had come back in and they were on good terms which sent Louis on a high that lasted awhile and really pushed him through with the program. He was surprised at how oblivious he was to the rage and hate he held against his father because the last day his father came he felt like he was walking on air after he left. The weight that had been weighing him down for years was finally lifted and the everlasting funeral that marched around his heart had dissipated. He actually felt happier. 

He and Harry still slept together in the same bed. Louis still hated Dr. Bindle. And he loved Harry. Everything was different, but at the same time everything was the same. 

-

"Wouldn't it be cool to get a blizzard?" Macy asked. It was 7:30 p.m. practically and Louis, Harry, Macy, Mikayla, and Morgan were sitting in dayroom bored to tears. Louis, Harry, and Macy were on the couch and Morgan and Mikayla sat on the love seat parallel to them.

"Ew, no. I hate snow." Morgan said rolling her eyes and Macy laughed. 

"What's wrong with snow?" She asked.

"Nothing." Morgan simply shrugged. "But it's cold, it's wet, I just don't like it." She said before laughing. 

"The novelty wears off real quick." Mikayla added. Mikayla was short and had long brown hair she always pulled back into a loose bun. A necklace with multiple charms hung around her neck 24/7, she never took it off. 

"I like watching it snow." Louis said contently. 

"I hate it when it all starts melting and it gets all mushy and wet and dirty. It's disgusting." Morgan said distastefully and everyone chuckled. 

"So then what's your favorite season?" Harry asked curiously. 

"Spring." She answered with a happy smile. "Because all the snow melts away, the temperature warms up, the grass turns green, and trees grow their leaves again." She glanced at him. "What about you?" 

"Fall." He stated. "The leaves change into these beautiful colors, the temperature is perfect, and it's sweater weather." He said simply and the girls giggled. 

"I like winter. I love the snow, and having hot chocolate, and Christmas!" Macy exclaimed. 

"I hate Christmas so much." Louis groaned before sighing.

"Okay, am I the only one who doesn't hate it?" Macy asked and looked around the group. Mikayla shrugged. 

"I never minded Christmas." She said and Macy smiled at her. 

"Thank you." She said. "Why do you hate Christmas, Lou?" 

"Because it's a stupid holiday. Everyone acts like it's such a happy time of year and that you should be happy, it's ridiculous." He said. "Plus my birthday is on the twenty fourth so that's all the reasoning I really need." He mumbled crossing his arms and rolling his eyes. Christmas was literally the worst time of year for him.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot!" Macy exclaimed loudly. Louis nodded reluctantly. He hated his birthday. He hated getting older. He hated everything about it. "Oh my goodness, that means it's coming up!" She grinned excitedly.

"How old are you turning?" Mikayla asked curiously.

"20." Louis deadpanned and cast his eyes low to the floor. He crossed his arms tightly meaning he did not want to talk about his birthday anymore. 

"Aw, come on now." Harry said wrapping his arm around Louis's shoulder. "Birthday's are fun!" He exclaimed and Louis glanced up at him patronizingly. 

"Don't push your luck." He told him sternly making Macy and Morgan both smile in amusement. 

"Oh, I'll push a lot more than my luck." Harry whispered sarcastically and Louis elbowed him in the side. 

"Knock it off." He said but with a small smile. 

"You guys are adorable." Macy said endeared. Louis and Harry were just so adorable together, they were darling to watch. 

"Wait, are you guys, like, actually together?" Mikayla asked slightly confused. 

"No," Louis said at the same time as Harry said, "Yes." They both glanced at each other and Harry just grinned cockily. Louis elbowed him again.

"They're, like, together but they won't actually say it." Macy explained to her. Mikayla furrowed her eyebrows together a little questionably. 

"What?" She asked unsurely. 

"I know, they're weird." Morgan teased and Mikayla chuckled. 

"Like, they kiss and sleep in the same bed but apparently that doesn't mean they're in a relationship or anything." Macy said shaking her head. Mikayla glanced around even more confused. 

"And how do you know if we've kissed or not?" Louis asked her patronizingly. She glanced at him and rose her eyebrow.

"Have you?" She asked austerely and Louis mimicked her facial expression.

"That's none of your business." 

"So that's basically a straight away yes." She said and Morgan laughed. 

"What? No it's not." Louis shook his head. 

"Uh, yeah it is." Morgan retorted. "If the answer was no then there'd be nothing to hide and you'd just say no." She said.

"Or I'd just say it wasn't your business." Louis retorted with an edge of annoyance. 

"Why don't we ask Harry." Macy suggested with a smirk. Harry's eyes widened and his cheeks colored. He still had his arm around Louis. Louis just rolled his eyes. 

"Why do you care so much?" Louis asked.

"We just want to know." Macy said.

"Yeah, we're just curious." Morgan added. 

"Us girls tend to be nosy." Mikayla joked and they all laughed except Louis and Harry who were clearly unamused and didn't see the humor. 

"So Harry, have you guys?" Macy asked giddily and they turned to him in gleeful anticipation. Harry glanced at Louis and Louis just groaned, closing his eyes, and tilted his head back against the cushion. 

"Maybe once or, like, twice." He said shrugging and Macy and Morgan squealed with excitement.

"That's so cute!" Macy gushed.

"Girls find the weirdest things cute." Louis mumbled and Harry nodded.

"Agreed." He said and they laughed. 

"My brothers gay." Mikayla randomly stated and everyone turned to her. 

"How old is he?" Morgan asked curiously.

"26." She said. "He's married to this guy he met in high school." She added.

"They're high school sweethearts? Oh my goodness, that is so adorable." Morgan gushed and Macy nodded in agreement. Mikayla nodded and smiled. 

"Yeah, but my parents are really against it and all so he kept it a secret from them until he got married. He had been moved out for awhile and he never really kept in touch, except with me, so my parents didn't even know he was with someone until the wedding invitation came in the mail. His husbands name is Taylor and since they still didn't know he was gay and all they thought it was a girl named Taylor. So they RSVP'd." She explained. 

"There was nothing on the card that alluded to it being a gay wedding?" Harry asked curiously and she shook her head.

"Nope." She said. "And he was also moved away and so we didn't actually see him until the wedding day and it was really disastrous." She said forcing a chuckle. 

"What happened?" Morgan asked.

"Well, we arrived at the venue, it was a small wedding," She started. "My brother was off getting ready and all, and all the guests were just kind of conversing with each other. And my parents found his parents and they were talking and my mother asked if "she" was nervous because she was sure my brother was nervous and Taylor's mum got really confused and asked who "she" was and then my mother got confused and said "Taylor of course" and his mother was like "Taylor's my son." and my mum was so embarrassed and furious. She and my father stormed away and found my brother, his name is Jonathan, in his room getting ready and were, like, screaming at him." She explained. 

"Why would he never tell them he was gay then invite them to the wedding still without a word?" Macy asked curiously. 

"I don't know," Mikayla shrugged. "I think maybe he thought they'd maybe be more open minded or something and get the gist. I'm not really sure." 

"So did they leave the wedding then?" Morgan asked. 

"Yeah," She said sadly. "After they finished like screaming at him and threatening the wrath of God for marrying another man they stormed out, dragging me with, and we left. They were so furious, I had never seen them so mad." She shook her head gently. 

"That's sad." Louis said pursing his lips together. 

"Yeah, I had been really looking forward to seeing the ceremony too." She mumbled lackadaisically. 

"Aw, well, maybe he can come to yours someday." Macy said and she smiled.

"Maybe." They both smiled. Louis smiled as well then stood up off the couch. 

"Well, I'm tired so I think I'm going to head off to bed." He announced stretching slightly from being curled up on the couch. 

"But it's so early." Macy said looking up at him. 

"I know, but I'm feeling a little run down. I'm probably just going to lie down and read." He said stepping around the couch and love-seat. 

"Okay then, goodnight!" She said cheerfully. 

"Yeah, nighty night." Morgan added teasingly. 

"Don't let the bed bugs suck your blood." Mikayla added with a smile making Louis laugh.

"I'll try." He joked rolling his eyes in amusement. He walked out of the dayroom and into his and Harry's own room. He closed the door behind him. He went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and all then changed into some comfier clothes. His arms and legs were sore from actually beginning to work out again. He was so out of shape, he was embarrassed by it. Luckily there was hardly ever two people in the exercise room at once so he didn't have to worry about anyone seeing him having an asthma attack practically on the treadmill. 

He grabbed Wheel of Darkness and curled up in his bed. These books were actually pretty good. Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child books that is. He was actually glad Harry encouraged him to read them. 

He wasn't sure how long he was reading, all he knew was that he fell asleep before Harry came back to the room, and that when he woke up the lights were off, his book was on his desk, and Harry was sound asleep beside him. 

There was a sharp pain in his stomach, though. It wasn't really sharp as it was more. . . just painful and prominent. He rolled over on his back and took a deep breath. He hated feeling sick. A wave of nausea washed over him and he bit down on his inside of his cheek hard enough to draw blood. He swallowed thickly and placed a hand on his stomach, hoping this would just be something he could sleep off. There was a lump in his throat he couldn't swallow away and pain in his stomach only seemed to intensify. Another wave of nausea overpassed him, but went away. Louis started breathing heavily, getting upset, and sat up. He scratched at his arms nervously and got out of bed quietly. He felt hot all over. 

Quickly, he hurried into the bathroom, not bothering to close the door, and dropped down in front of the toilet. With another wave of nausea coming he lifted up the lid and gripped the edge of the toilet tightly. He sat there, feeling that nauseous feeling, and then the gagging started. Louis threw up everything. He dry heaved a bit before actually settling down. 

Shaking, he spit into the toilet the left over taste in his mouth. He reached up and flushed the toilet. He rubbed his eyes and pushed himself up off the ground. He still felt very shaky, but he felt absolutely amazing. Why do people always feel amazing after they've thrown up? The pain in his stomach was gone and so far he hadn't another wave of nausea. 

He turned on the sink and washed his hands. He cupped his hands and brought some water to his lips so he could rinse out his mouth. He turned it off and took another deep breath. He felt fine now and hopefully would stay that way. He couldn't handle being sick. He turned out the light and walked back into the room. He laid down back in bed and nestled himself under his blanket. Harry was still sound asleep and Louis was glad. He hoped he wouldn't get sick again. 

-

When Louis woke up in the morning he felt fine, like he usually did. He was thankful he didn't get sick again or wake up with a stomach ache. He felt absolutely fine. Maybe he had just eaten something, but he couldn't think of anything he had eaten that would make him sick. 

He just shook it off. It was 7:59 and Harry wasn't even in the room. Shit. Louis scrambled out of bed and rushed into the dayroom where everyone was sitting in their usual spots. They were such creatures of habit. Louis walked across the room to the table and plopped down across from Harry. His plate was already there and he picked up a piece of bacon, munching on his hungrily. He was really hungry, maybe because he had thrown up the entire contents of his stomach last night. Harry looked up from his plate and watched Louis eat his bacon. Louis glanced at him, unaware Harry was watching him, and blushed furiously, dropping the strip of bacon.

"What?" He asked self-consciously and Harry just shook his head.

"Nothing." He looked back down at his own plate. Louis frowned slightly. Why did Harry seem standoffish? Louis turned back to his plate and picked up his bacon again. Louis was a little put off. The entire breakfast Harry was quiet. Why wasn't he talking to him? Sighing apathetically, he picked away at his plate slowly. He caught Macy eyeing them questionably. Again, if it were silent between Harry and Louis then something was wrong, but Louis didn't even know what was wrong. 

Harry finished his plate and left without even a glance at Louis. Louis placed his chin in his hand and ate his omelet. Macy slid across the seat in front of Louis. 

"Hey," She greeted softly. "Is there something going on between you and Harry?" She asked quietly.

"I don't know," Louis answered with a shrug. "He hasn't said a word to me and I can think of anything I did or whatever." He said somberly. 

"Aw, well, I'm sure everything will be fine." She assured sincerely and Louis smiled a small smile. 

"Me too, I just hope it doesn't turn into a fight or anything."

"I'm sure it won't." Macy reassured. Louis just smiled thinly and Macy smiled back. He finished his plate and headed back to their room reluctantly. He was a little apprehensive. Harry was ignoring him and he had no idea why. When he got back to the room Harry was just reading. Louis grabbed his book off his desk and sat down in his bed to read too. 

At group therapy Mikayla sat between them. Between them. They didn't sit next to each other. For the first time ever. Louis was nervous now. Of course, it could've just been a coincidence. Harry could've been sitting next to Macy as usual then Mikayla came in and just took a seat, but it still bothered Louis. 

Once group therapy ended (thank goodness) Harry made a beeline out of the room and Louis followed after. He stepped into their room and Louis stepped in after him, closing the door behind him. 

"Why are you ignoring me?" He asked him as soon as the door clicked shut. 

"How are you feeling?" Harry asked disregarding Louis's question. He turned around in he middle of the room and look at Louis. 

"I feel perfectly fine, why?" Louis asked him.

"I heard you last night." Harry said sternly. "In the bathroom." Louis was taken back. 

"What?" He asked. "You think I made myself throw up last night?" He asked incredulously. 

"Kind of." Harry said placing his hands on his hips angrily. 

"I didn't make myself throw up." Louis stated. 

"Okay, well you were perfectly fine last night and you were perfectly fine this morning eating your breakfast with ease." Louis swallowed thickly, upset that Harry would actually think he would induce vomiting. 

"I don't know, I had just woke up in the middle of the night nauseous and with a stomach ache and I felt like I was going to throw up so I went to the bathroom and, you know, threw up." He explained meekly. 

"Okay, well I find that a little hard to believe." Harry told him scoffing and Louis gasped silently.

"I can't believe you don't believe me." He whispered.

"I said it was hard to believe, not that I didn't believe you." Harry corrected looking at him. Louis rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

"Oh please, that's exactly what you're saying!" He exclaimed. 

"Okay, I'm sorry, but it's a little suspicious. Who throws up once in the middle of the night then wakes up healthy enough to eat a whole plate of toast, bacon, and an entire omelet?" He asked rhetorically. 

"I don't know! I can't explain my immune system." Harry rolled his eyes. "I did not make myself throw up, why do you think I did?" He asked softly. 

"I don't know, you've been complaining about your body a lot more recently." Harry said quietly and he was right. Louis had been complaining about his body ever since he had to start working out again and all.

"That doesn't mean I'm going to start making myself throw up."

"Well I don't know that." Harry said letting his arms fall to his sides. 

"Well now you do." Louis said. "Seriously, why didn't you just talk to me? It hurt my feelings to have you ignore me." He said softly and glanced at the floor shyly.

"Well, I was trying to see if you were under the weather or something." Harry said. "But you seemed perfectly healthy." 

"Yeah, I feel fine, but last night I was feeling pretty sick, hence the reason I ended up vomiting."

"Okay, well, I'm sorry I was presumptuous." Harry apologized sincerely. Louis chewed on the inside of his cheek before exhaling. 

"It's okay. Just. . .promise me you won't ignore me again, please." He said softly. Harry nodded and took a step closer to Louis. 

"I won't, I promise." Louis looked up at him. His eyes were so blue. It was an icy blue, but they were the warmest eyes Harry had ever looked into. Louis's eyes always seemed to get bigger when he was upset and Harry just couldn't resist them. They were one of his weaknesses. His biggest weakness to say the least. His other weakness was Louis's smile. And his smirk. And his laugh. And his voice. And his soft lips. And his cute little nose. And just everything. Louis was Harry's weakness. 

"Really?" Louis asked still looking up at him. 

"Yes, really." Harry assured. Louis gave him a small, meek smile.

"Okay." Harry smiled back. "C'mere." He mumbled wrapping his arms around Harry's neck and pulling him down to his height. Harry smiled even wider and wrapped his arms around Louis, hugging him tightly. 

Louis didn't like it when Harry was mad at him and Harry didn't like it when Louis was upset. What they both liked was making up and the weight that was lifted from their shoulders when they hugged in the end. It would never be the end, though. They were going to have tons of moments where Harry's mad, Louis's upset, and they make up. The make up makes it all worth it.


	31. Chapter 31

It was the most wonderful time of the year. December 24th. Louis's birthday. It was 7:57 when Louis woke up and he already felt like he wanted to burst into tears. He hated his birthday so much. Mainly because it always got forgotten or mixed with the holiday. He didn't have any good memories attached to his birthday. It was a day he actually dreaded. 

Sighing, he turned away from Harry's side and rolled on his back. Harry stirred awake slowly and glanced at the clock, then Louis. He smiled lazily.

"Happy birthday." He greeted groggily and turned on his side to face him. 

"Please don't mention my birthday." Louis replied quietly. "I just-I hate my birthday, I'd rather not be reminded that it's today." He added somberly. 

"I'm sorry." Harry said sincerely. He chewed on the inside of his cheek and Louis turned his head to look at him. 

"It's okay, you don't have to be sorry." Harry just pursed his lips together uneasily. 

"Well in that case, good morning." Louis cracked a small smile and Harry leaned over, kissing his cheek softly. 

"Morning." He greeted happily. Harry smiled and sat up with a groan. 

"Ugh, I don't wanna get up." He said through a yawn as he stretched his arms. He slumped over and Louis laughed. 

"We still have 3 minutes technically." He smirked and Harry chuckled. He pulled the blanket off his legs and stood up, stretching his back. 

"But I need to find a tissue." He said with a sniffle. 

"Just use toilet paper." Louis sat up. Harry made a face and started walking towards the door. 

"Ew, what are we? Animals?" He asked stepping through the doorframe. He rubbed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. It was getting a little unruly. He walked into the dayroom where everyone was sitting waiting for their plates. 

"Ooh, where's the birthday boy?" Macy asked jokingly and the others smiled while looking at him in anticipation. 

"Do not mention his birthday or wish him a happy one." He said sternly as he sat down. Macy looked at him questionably, a little caught off guard.

"Why?" She asked and everyone looked at him.

"Because he hates his birthday and reminding him that it's today will only upset him." He said. "And we all know how pleasant he is when he's upset." He joked sarcastically.

"Uh, Harry." Patricia said softly and pointed behind him. Behind him where Louis was standing with his arms crossed and a sassy expression on his face. 

"Excuse me?" Harry flushed. 

"I, uh, it was just a joke." He said flustered and Louis rolled his eyes.

"Well I think you're just a joke." He mumbled sarcastically and walked around the table to take his seat. He knew Harry didn't mean any harm and he would actually agree with him, he was a not a pleasant person when he was mad or upset, but today was just not the day. Not one bit.

"Louis, I was just kidding." Harry repeated to him quietly and Louis sighed.

"I know, I'm not mad at you or anything." Louis said with a huff. "I'm just not in the mood." 

"I'm sorry," Harry apologized sincerely. 

"It's okay." The plates were brought out and Louis was mostly quiet. Nurse Ingrid had wished him a happy birthday which resulted in a snappy comeback catching her off guard, but he apologized for the first time ever which also surprised her. 

Harry was just trying to make sense of why Louis hated his birthday so much. He had never mentioned anything that happened in his past that would lead to him loathing his birthday. Maybe he was just one of those people. 

He was especially quiet. After breakfast he went back to his room and read. And then group therapy came around. He and Harry sat beside each other as usual, but their chairs might've moved the teensiest bit closer. Everyone was chatting idly, waiting for Dr. Wentz, and Louis was just turning his little journal over and over again in his hands. 

Dr. Fairchild entered the room and walked to to the empty chair, taking a seat. 

"Ah, good morning." He greeted cheerfully. "And happy birthday Louis." He added with a kind smile.

"We get it. It's my birthday. What's so happy about it?" Louis snapped staring at the floor. Dr. Fairchild furrowed his eyebrows together questionably, caught off guard by Louis's abrasiveness. Everyone else just kind of gave him a knowing look and he just nodded.

"I'm Dr. Fairchild," He introduced himself.

"I didn't know there were three doctors." Morgan said and Dr. Fairchild smiled.

"Well now you do." He retorted playfully and she laughed. He clasped his hands together and sat leaned over with his elbows pressed against his thighs. "So, what do you guys want to talk about?" He asked. Everyone looked around unsurely, sharing questionable glances with each other. 

"Like, about eating disorders and what not?" Patricia asked and Dr. Fairchild shook his head.

"No, it can be about anything." He said. "What do you want to talk about?" He asked again. No one said anything. "How about we talk about ourselves. Macy, what is your favorite color?" He asked glancing at her and she looked up caught off guard.

"Um, purple?" She said unsurely and Dr. Fairchild nodded.

"I have a two year old who loves the color purple. Everything has to be purple." He said with a laugh. "What's your favorite color Claire?" He then asked turning to her. 

"Yellow." She answered flatly.

"How about you, Harry?" 

"Um, blue." He said slightly confused with what was going on. What was going on? Where was Dr. Wentz?

"Where's Dr. Wentz?" Macy asked impatiently.

"He's out sick." He answered dryly. "So you're stuck with me." He said with a thin, patronizing smile. "So, someone pick a random topic, what do you want to all talk about?" He asked looking around. 

"Well, with Dr. Wentz we were going to talk about having a positive body image and, like, how to maintain one and all." Eleanor said. Dr. Fairchild waved her off, rolling his eyes in exaggeration.

"But that's so boring, c'mon, lets talk about something fun." He exclaimed raising his voice with excitement. Everyone looked around at each other completely discombobulated. What the hell was wrong with this doctor? "Has anyone here ever gone to another country?" He asked. 

"I've been to America a couple times." Morgan said sheepishly. No one really knew what to say or if they should say anything at all. 

"Did you like it?" Dr. Fairchild asked.

"It was okay." She said with a shrug. 

"I took a cruise to the Caribbean when I was 13." Macy added quietly. 

"Was it fun? What islands did you stop at?" Dr. Fairchild asked curiously.

"Um, Cococay, Saint Thomas, and Saint Martin." She recalled softly. 

"Well that sounds like fun." He said sitting up. "Are you guys always this shy?" He then asked crossing his arms and legs. 

"Okay, this is stupid. If we're just going to talk about useless shit then can I go back to my room?" Louis asked aggravated and everyone turned to him. 

"No." Dr. Fairchild deadpanned and Louis scoffed.

"And why not? This is so stupid, are we going to talk about anything that will actually benefit us?"

"Now why on earth would you want to do something like that?" Dr. Fairchild asked. "Don't you want to talk about something fun and enjoyable?" He asked. 

"No, I'd like to talk about something that'll help me so I can leave this hellhole." Louis said raising his tone. 

"But that's not fun." Dr. Fairchild sounded like a stubborn, pouting child.

"I don't fucking care, I'd rather talk about something unenjoyable that helps me then something that's interesting, but useless." He fired back angrily. He crossed his arms across his chest hotly and glared at Dr. Fairchild scornfully. 

"I'm having a hard time understanding what you want." He said leaning over again on his legs. 

"Are you fucking deaf?" Louis snapped. 

"Don't swear." Dr. Fairchild scolded sternly. 

"Then why don't you act like a freakin' doctor and stop asking about our favorite colors or if we've left the country before." He said austerely. 

"So what do you want to talk about?" He asked him pensively. 

"Anything that's beneficial to me and everyone else." Louis had a really low tolerance for dolts. 

"Why does it have to be beneficial?" Dr. Fairchild asked and Louis just about lost it. 

"Because I would like to fucking get better and leave." He said raising his voice.

"What do you want?" 

"To get better and-" Louis's voice slowly faded away as Dr. Fairchild smiled smugly at him. Louis inhale softly before grinning. "Ha ha, you got me. I want to get better." He stated lowering his voice and Dr. Fairchild's smile humbled. 

"Why didn't you just say so?" He asked with an edge of sarcasm. Louis just smiled thinly and glanced at the floor. Everyone else in the little circle was smiling, slightly amused by Dr. Fairchild now. "So, what does it mean to have positive self image?" He asked glancing around the circle. 

"To not be insecure?" Patricia asked meekly. 

"In a way." Dr. Fairchild nodded. "Everyone gets a little insecure from time to time." He continued uncrossing his legs and sitting up. "Being positive about your body can be something as small as. . .letting yourself eat a cookie or something as big as going to the beach to show it off." He chuckled. Macy furrowed her eyebrows together questionably.

"How is letting yourself eat a cookie mean you feel positive about your body?" She asked cocking her head to the side. 

"Well, maybe that wasn't the best analogy, but often people skip out on sweets or cut them out completely because they feel insecure about their bodies and think that they could do without. Whereas those who aren't as insecure are okay with eating sweets in moderation." He said with a shrug. "Does that even make sense? That was an awful example, sorry." He laughed shaking his head. "Okay, let's restart." He announced clasping his hands together. "What's a distorted body image?" 

"That's, like, seeing or thinking you're fatter than you really are." Eleanor said.

"Precisely." Dr. Fairchild nodded. "Who here has heard of Body Dysmorphic Disorder?" He then asked. No one rose their hand or said anything because no one knew really what that was. "Well BDD is basically a distorted body image, but to more of an extent." He explained. "Sure, everyone has at some point stood in front of a mirror and evaluated their body. Some people become so focused on imagined or minor imperfections in their looks that they just can't seem to stop checking or obsessing about their appearance. Being constantly preoccupied and upset over your body's imperfections is what Body Dysmorphic Disorder is." He explained. 

"How does that pertain to eating disorders?" Macy asked.

"Well, how many of you have ever became obsessed with your appearance?" He asked. A few brave souls raised their hands meekly, including Louis. "Precisely. Now, eating disorders and BDD are two separate things, but developing one could lead to the development of the other. Like those with eating disorders have been known to also develop BDD and vice versa. Much like how you guys have become obsessed with your weight, those with BDD obsess about their flaws." He said. "Such as worrying about their hair being too thin, their eyes aren't exactly the same size, their nose is too big, or their lips are too thin." He added. 

"But that's not really something we deal with." Macy said. 

"Not necessarily." He told her. "But there are many similarities between the two." He then said to everyone. "Who here has ever felt compulsive? Compelled to do something?" 

"What does it mean to feel compulsive?" Annabel asked meekly. 

"A compulsion is something someone does to relieve tense or obsessive thoughts." He explained. "Can anyone think of anything that would classify as being compulsive that they might've done?" He asked glancing around at everyone. 

"Well, I kind of have a compulsive eating disorder." Annabel said with a small laugh. "So I guess that counts, eating?" 

"Yes, precisely." Dr. Fairchild said with a small smile. "Any other ideas?" Everyone was quiet. "C'mon, no one has ever done anything that could be considered compulsive?" He asked patronizingly and glanced around the circle again. No one said anything still. "Okay, moving on then, other than compulsion, another symptom of BDD is avoidance behaviors. Who knows what that is?"

"Avoiding things?" Morgan asked.

"What things?" Dr. Fairchild asked quizzically. 

"I don't know, food, mirrors, people." She said with a shrug. 

"Precisely-"

"Why do you always say precisely?" Macy asked raising her voice slightly. Dr. Fairchild just looked at her and shrugged. 

"I don't know, it's just something I say." He smiled.

"Oh, okay, I was just wondering because you say it an awful lot." She said and he just smiled thinly.

"Anyways, what Morgan said was correct. Often people with BDD avoid mirrors, socializing, and going out. Much like how those with eating disorders avoid eating, sometimes mirrors too, and going out as well." He explained. "Am I wrong?" No one said anything again. "I'm kind of just babbling now, but I'm also just trying to educate on other things such as BDD. Can you imagine being so obsessed with something that it dictates your entire life? Of course you can." It was quiet. "Who here has something about their body that makes them feel insecure?" No one moved a muscle, but Dr. Fairchild rose his hand confidently. "Come on, this is not a place to feel embarrassed or like you're being judged for admitting your insecurities." People slowly rose their hands before lowering them. "Who here has a birthmark?" A few people rose their hands timidly. "What about any freckles or moles?" Everyone rose their hands then. "Does anyone maybe have an discoloration or uneven skin tone? One morning I was leaving for school and slipped on ice, landing directly on my knee. It wasn't too bad, I had a slight bruise, but now I have a permanent mark on my knee from the fall." He said almost to clarify his question. A few people rose their hands. Some rose theirs questionably, not really sure if it applied to them or not. "How about any scars? Could be from an accident or even acne scars." More people rose their hands. "How many of you have stretch marks?" Every single girl rose their hand and Louis kept his arms crossed tightly. Harry turned his head towards him and Louis looked back at him sternly.

He reached out and grabbed Louis's wrist before raising his hand in the air. Louis glared at him furiously and ripped his wrist out of his hand. Everyone's attention turned to the both of them, but Louis felt like they were all staring at him with judgmental eyes. 

"It's common for men to develop stretch marks as well. Not as common as it is for women, but men still get them. I myself have some on my back." Louis just kept his arms crossed and his head down to try and avoid being spoken too. He wanted to kill Harry. "These are all normal things to have, and even feel insecure about. But could you imagine being so insecure about an acne scar or freckles that you go out of your way to avoid mirrors and socializing?"

"What does this have to do with BDD or eating disorders?" Macy asked softly. Dr. Fairchild shrugged. 

"Both these disorders are rooted with self-insecurity and the thing that gets the least attention is the insecurity. A part of becoming content with your body and gaining back self confidence is talking about the things that make you insecure, coming to accept that they're normal for you and that they're something everyone else on this world has, and that you're not alone." He explained. "How many of you have felt outcasted by the things you rose your hand about?" Everyone rose their hand again. "You should never feel insecure over something almost everyone in the world has, but that's hard to do because the media portrays models, singers, and celebrities in general with smooth flawless skin and a nice figure. It's rather sad the influence it has on younger teens and children." The air was still. 

"Okay, but then how do you, like, get rid of BDD specifically?" Patricia asked softly.

"Good question," Dr. Fairchild said glancing at her. "It can usually be treated by an experienced mental health professional." He explained. "It usually involves a type of talk therapy called cognitive-behavioral therapy. That approach helps to correct that pattern that causes the bodies image distortion." 

"So how come we don't do something like that?" Eleanor asked softly. 

"Would you like to?" Dr. Fairchild asked in return. "I mean, if you'd like to we can surely do that. You do know that if you guys ever want to or need to talk you can always come to one of us doctors." 

"But why don't you already do something that?" She asked. "I mean, it seems like there should be some set, like, one on one therapy session as opposed to just group therapy and leaving it at that." 

"That's it. Starting January first we'll initiate individual therapy sessions." He said with a clap of his hands.

"Uh, I mean, I was just saying-"

"To late, you've already convinced me." He interrupted with a thin smile and she just chuckled, shaking her head.

"You are really weird." She murmured in amusement. 

"Am I? I'd like to think I'm quite normal." He said glancing at her. "After all, what is normal?" He asked. "In some countries it's normal for women to walk around shirtless, in others that's seen as absolutely unacceptable and inappropriate. In some countries it's normal to eat sheep brains, bull testicle, and guinea pigs, but in others people look at that and go, 'What the heck? Who would actually eat that?!'" He mimicked making them all chuckle in amusement. "And to some individual people starving yourself to become skinny is totally weird. Why would you starve yourself? Or even force yourself to throw up? Like, that's totally disgusting and so not normal." He said. "But to others, like you guys, it's seen as part of their normal routine and is so normal that it's considered not normal to eat." He continued. "So the concept of being normal isn't really something that can be achieved by anyone but yourself. Much like the concept of being perfect, but you must accept that fact your perception of normality is different then another's, which is also similar to people's perception of perfection and beauty. Nothing in this world is ever ugly because there will always be someone who finds it beautiful." 

Group therapy ended soon after and Louis was right back off to his room. He read, endured lunch, read more, stared at the ceiling, suffered through dinner, then read and stared at the ceiling a little bit more. He took a shower, washed his face, and brushed his teeth before settling down in bed. It was 9:38 and Harry was currently finishing up his own shower.

Louis hated today. He hated that it was his birthday. He hated that he was now twenty years old. Twenty! He hated getting older. He hated everything that his birthday brought which was sadness, dread, and remorse. And what made it worse was Harry raising Louis's hand when Dr. Fairchild asked if anyone had stretch marks. He had told that to him privately because he trusted him. He didn't want it being shared with everyone else in the EDU.

He climbed out of bed and turned out the overhead light before returning to his bed. He pulled the blanket up to his chest and curled himself up on his side swayed with fatigue. 

The bathroom door creaked open as Harry turned out the bathroom light and stepped out into the room, thrown off to see Louis seemingly fast asleep. 

"Louis?" He asked softly. 

"What?" His voice was muffled against the pillow.

"Sorry, I wasn't sure if you were asleep or not." Harry whispered sincerely and walked to the edge of the bed. 

"I wasn't." Louis said quietly, his voice quite strained from how tight his throat had gotten from being upset. 

"Are you okay?" Harry asked kneeling against the bed and leaned over slightly to try and get a look at Louis.

"I'm pissed at you." Harry swallowed thickly. 

"Is it because of group therapy?" He asked softly and sat down on the bed beside Louis.

"Yep." Louis answered shortly without even turning to look at him as he spoke. "I told you about my stretch marks privately and because I trusted you, not because I wanted it shared with everyone else." 

"Oh, come on, Louis." Harry scoffed shaking his head. He pulled the blanket over his lap and slumped over, looking at Louis's backside. "It's not that big of deal-"

"To you." Harry sighed then rubbed his tired eyes. 

"I'm sorry." Louis didn't say anything. "I mean, the whole point was to talk about them, no one is going to think you're weird or anything-"

"Yes they will because I am a guy and guys don't get stretch marks." Louis retorted indignantly. 

"Yes, they do. Dr. Fairchild said he had some on his back. Everyone in that circle rose their hand." 

"You didn't." Harry sighed deeply again. 

"Yes, I did. When I rose your hand, I was raising mine as well." He admitted bashfully.

"Interesting." Louis's tone was clipped and Harry was annoyed that he wouldn't even just turn over to look at him. 

"Will you at least look at me?" Louis turned over on his other side and looked directly up at Harry. He looked sinful. "I take it back, don't look at me." Harry quickly looked away and Louis pressed his lips together. He turned back over on his other side so his back was to Harry once again. "Look, I have stretch marks too, they're on my lower back though." Louis was quiet. "I probably should've told you that before hand so it didn't seem like I was trying to put you on the spot or embarrass you, but...yeah. I rose my hand too and I'm sorry." 

"Okay." Harry grit his teeth. 

"Okay?"

"Okay, whatever, I forgive you." Louis mumbled. "I really just want to sleep." 

"Goodnight." Harry said sweetly. Louis didn't say anything. Harry just settled down on his back and pulled the blanket up to cover him. He turned on his side to face Louis and snuggled up to him cozily, but he kept his hands to himself. 

It was quiet except for Louis's hard breathing. It almost sounded like it he was crying, but Harry wasn't sure. He listened closely. 

"Louis?" He asked softly and he didn't reply. "Lou," He repeated. A soft cry finally left his lips and Harry propped up on his arm. "Babe, what's wrong? Is it about group therapy still?"

"I'm 20." He cried burying his face in his pillow. Harry reached out and placed a gentle hand on Louis's shoulder.

"Hey," He said softly. "C'mon now," He gave him a soft nudge. Louis bit the inside of his cheek and turned over on his other side. He looked up at Harry and the tears streaking down his cheeks glistened in the pale moonlight. "Why are you crying?" Harry asked softly. He laid back down on his side before reaching out and pressing a gentle hand to Louis's cheek. 

"I'm twenty fucking years old." He said crestfallen. "And I'm in this bloody hospital. I shouldn't be here! I should be at home or in my dorm at uni, anywhere but here!" He exclaimed sounding more sorrowful with each word. 

Harry wrapped his arm around him and pulled him closer. Louis nestled into Harry's side. He wrapped his arm around Harry's upper torso and cuddled his head against Harry's chest, practically pressing himself against Harry's side. Harry wrapped his arm around Louis and held him tightly. He pressed a kiss to the top of Louis's head and sighed contently. 

"I'm twenty." Louis mumbled sadly. His head felt so comfy against Harry's chest like it just belonged there. He fit into his side perfectly. It made him feel calm. 

"What's wrong with being twenty?" Harry asked.

"Everything. I'm so old." He whined closing his eyes. 

"Well I turn twenty on February first, so then we can be old together." Harry joked lightly. Well, he made it sound like a joke but he was absolutely serious. It made Louis smile a little, though. "Why do you hate your birthday so much?" Harry asked softly knowing he was treading on dangerous ground. 

"Because my birthday has always gotten either combined with the Christmas holiday or just totally over shadowed by it. I hate it. People tell me Merry Christmas then go like, "Oh, and it was your birthday wasn't it? Happy birthday." and it makes me feel like shit. Like my birthday was never even important, there was always something more important. And in essence there is, but still." He said. "So I hate it. There's nothing special about my birthday. I don't even like being reminded. There's nothing happy about growing older." 

"Unless you get to grow old with someone." Harry suggested softly and Louis rolled his closed eyes. 

"You're such a romantic." He said shaking his head lightly. 

"Opposites attract." Harry teased smiling. Louis opened his eyes and turned his head up to gaze up at Harry. 

"Yes they do." Harry leaned down and Louis leaned up and they kissed sweetly. Louis smiled meekly before turning his head back and resting it against Harry's chest. He felt better. Harry's heart swelled with affection as he gazed down at Louis who nuzzled his cheek against his chest softly.

"I love you." He said. He didn't just say it, though, he whispered it. He whispered it so softly it was almost lost in a nonexistent wind. It was said so quietly that it fell on deaf ears and Louis didn't even hear him regardless of how close they were lying together.


	32. Chapter 32

The morning after didn't bring any discord or strife. Louis felt surprisingly calm and relaxed as opposed to how he was feeling the night before. He was twenty now. An entire twenty years. Wow. 

He was still curled into Harry's side when he woke up which was a cozy feeling because Harry was just so warm. Like a giant teddy bear almost. He turned over gently and glanced at the clock. 7:24. He turned back and nestled his head against Harrys chest. 

"Merry Christmas." Louis looked up, startled at first, then saw Harry peek his eyes open. 

"Did I wake you up?" Louis asked quietly and Harry shook his head. 

"I've been up for about ten minutes."

"Oh," Louis mumbled. "Well Merry Christmas." He said with a smile and Harry smiled back. Louis leaned up and kissed him softly. 

"How are you feeling?" Harry asked him thoughtfully. Louis unwrapped himself from Harry's side and sat up. 

"Alright." He said with a shrug. He turned and peered down at Harry. "How are you feeling?" He asked in return. 

"Pretty good." He answered. "Tired." He added and Louis smiled. 

"Me too." He fell back against the bed and sighed contently. For thirty minutes they talked idly before getting out of bed and trudging to the dayroom. Breakfast had since become somewhat bearable. Somewhat. Not totally. But somewhat. 

After breakfast they sat in the dayroom and watched a little TV before group therapy rolled around. Everyone was sitting in their chairs waiting for either Dr. Wentz or Dr. Fairchild. 

"Am I the only one who finds Dr. Fairchild a little eccentric?" Eleanor asked and some of the others nodded. 

"He's surely different from Dr. Wentz." Annabel commented with a little amusement. 

"Definitely." Patricia said. 

"He's so young too." Mikayla added. 

"Dr. Wentz is cuter." Morgan said quietly and Macy laughed. 

"Morgan!" She exclaimed and Morgan held her hands up defensively.

"Hey! I said he was cute not that I'm, like, attracted to him or anything." She defended. "There's a difference." She added with a smirk. 

"Oh, whatever." Macy said slugging her in the arm. As if on a cue, Dr. Fairchild entered the room wearing a festive Santa hat, a gift box, and a little gift bag. Everyone looked at him peculiarly, a little amused by his hat, and tried to hide their childish grins. 

"Well, Merry Christmas everyone." He greeted smiling at everyone. "You know, something I always loved about Christmas as a little boy was getting to open gifts in the early morning, so I brought you all a gift." He said holding up the wrapped box. 

"There's only one box." Morgan stated.

"Precisely. Would anyone care to open to it?" He asked glancing around the small circle and no one made a noise or move. "Anyone? C'mon, it won't bite." He joked humorously. 

"I will." Patricia said raising her hand slightly. Dr. Fairchild smiled at her and passed the slim box over to her. She looked around apprehensively and everyone watched her with anticipation. What was in the box? It felt a little heavy. Was it actually going to be something, like, fun? What could possibly be in one box for everyone? 

Patricia pulled off the red bow stuck on top and just dropped it to the floor. The hooked her finger in the fold of the wrapping paper and tore it back, unveiling a white box. She took off the lid and pulled back the tissue paper.

"It's our phones." She announced looking up at him. 

"Merry Christmas." Dr. Fairchild said again with a grin. Patricia took out her phone and passed the box around as everyone took out their phone. It had felt like forever since Louis last held his. "And your charges are in here." Dr. Fairchild held up the bag. 

"Wait, how long are we actually going to get to keep these?" Morgan asked and everyone looked at him. 

"Depends, how long do you think you should be able to have them?" He asked. 

"Till New Years day." She deadpanned immediately.

"Okay then, on January first you'll have to turn your phones back in. Enjoy them before that." He said. "That's all for today." He stood up. He handed the bag to Macy who was to his right then walked out of the room. 

"Sweet!" Macy exclaimed. She dumped the tangled mess of chargers on the floor and everyone descended to the floor and tried to pull out their own. Of course, it was hard to tell who's iPhone charger belonged to who, along with the android ones, but it didn't make a difference if it was or wasn't the one someone brought in. 

With his phone and charger in hand, Louis left the room and went to his room. He tossed his charger on his desk then Harry walked into the room as well. His phone was still at 98%. 

"It feels like it's been forever since I had my phone." Louis grinned happily and took a seat on his bed. 

"Ditto. I'm surprised they gave them to us." Harry said walking over to the bed. He took a seat on the edge and Louis sat up with his legs crossed. All of Louis's notifications started popping up from being turned off for over four months now. Louis sighed apathetically and moved back on the bed, lying down. "Aw, why the long sigh?" Harry asked moving to lie down beside him. 

"Nothing," Louis shrugged nonchalantly. "Just some people texted me happy birthday yesterday I guess." 

"Well, that's nice right?" Harry asked glancing at him. "I mean, I know you don't like your birthday but at least it shows they still care."

"I guess." Louis shrugged again.

"So," Harry started. "You should give me your number." He said turning to Louis with a smile. Louis turned and glanced up at him with a smile in return. 

"Why?" He teased and Harry chuckled deeply. He pulled up a new contact and handed his phone to Louis. Louis handed him his phone as well and they entered their names into each other's phones. They exchanged back their phones and Louis felt happy. A message popped up on his screen. 

harry: hi there louis (: 

louis: Hi :) 

harry: So you think you deserve a crown emoji huh?

louis: Duh, I'm a king. 

harry: You're a little prince!

louis: um no. I'm a king.

louis: and you think you deserve a heart eyes emoji?

harry: uh duh, im adorable. 

Louis laughed, turning has face into Harry's shoulder. 

"You're such a dork." He said completely endeared and Harry chuckled, admiring down at him. Louis looked back at his phone and clicked on his Instagram. He scrolled through his notifications, which he actually had quite a few of because apparently people like male cheerleaders and gymnasts. He had, like, 9.8k followers.

"Holy shit, you have over 9k on Instagram, how?" Harry asked after catching a glimpse of his screen. 

"I don't know, I used to just post a lot of my cheerleading and stuff and I guess people liked that." Louis said with a shrug and scrolled through the photos he had posted in the past. He used to post so often. Used too. He hadn't actually posted in 45 weeks. 

"Oh my goodness, you look so cute!" Harry gushed reaching out to snatch his phone from his hands. Louis blushed slightly, covering his face with his hands. 

"Shut up, I do not." Harry shook his head, clicking on an old picture of Louis at the gymnasium with his close friend Kaitlin.

"No, you look absolutely adorable." Harry said scrolling through the rest of his photos. Louis peeked open his eyes and nestled his head on Harry's shoulder. 

"Of course, that was back when I was actually happy." He mumbled solemnly. 

"Don't say stuff like that." Harry scolded continuing to go through his photos which mainly consisted of pictures of him with his friends, at cheer practice, cheer competitions, him with his cheer friends, and a few other random things here and there. "You had, like, the perfect body, how on earth could you think you were ever fat?" He blurted out and Louis gave him a patronizing look. 

"Harry, please." He pleaded softly and Harry bit his tongue.

"Slip of the tongue, sorry." He apologized. "But seriously, you were fucking fit." He added and Louis laughed. He snatched Harry's phone off his chest and turned it on. 

"Let's just see what kind of pictures you have." He said clicking on the icon. "Ooh, 697 followers. Nice." He teased. 

"Pretty sure about only three of those people actually know me in person." Harry said and Louis laughed. "But good luck finding a picture of me on there. Unlike you, I only had, like, three friends." He joked lightly and Louis slugged Harry in the arm. 

"Yeah, well, pretty sure I don't have any friends now. After everything started happening I just kind of started neglecting everyone, ignoring their texts, stopped talking to them." Louis said sadly. "Damn, you think I'm fit? You actually had muscle!" Louis said clicking on an old picture of Harry with one of his friends shirtless. 

"Oh please." Harry scoffed. "I was, like, pudgy. Maybe I had a little muscle in my arms or something, but seriously, I had those gross, like, muffin top or love handles things they call." He sneered in disgust. 

"No you don't. At least not in this picture, you don't. You look really cute." He said and Harry cracked a small smile. 

"Well thanks." He sighed contently. "You look cuter though." 

"No, you look cuter." Louis said teasingly and they both laughed. 

"Okay, we are not turning into those people." Harry stated once their laughter frayed away. "Have you looked at your DMs?" He then asked and Louis looked at him curiously.

"No, why?" He asked suspiciously. 

"Well you've got some recent ones." Harry told him holding his phone out to him. They traded phones back.

"You snoopin' on my phone?" Louis teased playfully then clicked on the top dm that was actually sent to him yesterday. 

It was a message from Kaitlin, one of his closest friends at cheer. Of course, everyone on the team was basically everyone's closest friends, they were like a big family, but Louis and Kaitlin were still exceptionally close. The picture attached was just an old picture of them together in their cheer uniforms, but it was the message that was important. 

kaitlinxmiller: Hey Lou! I know we haven't really talked in awhile and such, but I know you're going through a tough time and all so I just hope you're doing well and have a great birthday and merry Christmas xx everyone on the team misses you immensely, especially me :( Hope you're doing well! 

Louis smiled to himself, happiness enthralling him. 

"That was a nice thing to do." Harry said reading over his shoulder and Louis nodded. 

"Goodness, I don't even think I've seen her since I was cut from the team." He said feeling tears sting his eyes. Harry nuzzled his head against Louis's shoulder this time and Louis smiled. He started typing out a response.

louist: hi Katie! I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in awhile :( I've just been dealing with a bunch of stuff and I'm in a fucking eating disorder unit of a hospital so I don't have access to my phone or anything. Except they're letting us use our phones today since it's Christmas and all I guess. Thanks for the birthday wish and all, hope you have a good Christmas too! I miss you too :( 

And he almost got an instant reply. 

kaitlinxmiller: OH MY GOODNESS IM FACETIMING YOU RIGHT NOW AND YOU BETTER ANSWER BITCH. 

Louis chuckled, shaking his head, and Harry glanced up at him from his phone. Louis moved, sitting up, and Harry's head fell against the pillow. 

"Loooou," He whined. 

"Sorry," Louis apologized insincerely. "But Kaitlin's going to FaceTime me and that's not something I do lying down." Harry grunted, sitting up at well. 

"Well she responds fast." He joked and Louis laughed. His screen lit up with the call and Louis felt unusually nervous for some reason. He pressed answer and Kaitlin's face popped up on the screen. 

"Louis!" She exclaimed and Louis smiled. He couldn't exactly make out where she was, but that didn't matter. 

"Kaitlin!" He mimicked her tone and she flipped him off. 

"Oh my goodness, I haven't talked to you in forever." Louis smiled thinly. 

"Yeah, sorry about that." He pressed his lips together. "It's been tough lately." 

"Tell me about it," She said and Louis chuckled. "So, like, what has happened?" She asked and Louis realized he never actually told anyone what had happened or what he was going though. At all. Which is why he was in the hospital.

"Just a lot of stuff." He said shrugging. "I almost exceeded the weight limit, then I was under it and got cut, I came out to my dad which really stirred things up, I developed my eating disorder throughout all that, and Brandon was no help at all." Louis explained.

"Please tell me you are not still with him." Kaitlin deadpanned and Louis faked a gag. 

"Ew, no. We broke up, he was a jackass." He sneered making Kaitlin laugh. 

"Good, it's about time you finally realized that!" She exclaimed and Louis laughed. He really missed talking to her.

"Yeah, well, I've made a lot of mistakes." He said apathetically. "So, what have you been up to?" He asked.

"Not much, really. First year of Uni's been a real smash so far." She said sarcastically and rolled her eyes. "Still on the cheer team. We still miss you." She added lackadaisically. 

"I miss you guys too." Louis pouted. 

"So, how have you been? You're in a hospital now?" She asked. "Well, not like a hospital but a. . .you know what I mean." She added shaking her head and Louis laughed. 

"I've been better, but I've been worse." He answered. "And yes, I am in a hospital, but it's not all that bad." He joked.

"Is there someone beside you?" She asked squinting at the screen. 

"Hiiiii," Harry stuck his face in the screen a bit and Kaitlin giggled, her blonde curls bouncing as she did.

"This is Harry, we have to share a room." Louis introduced.

"Have to makes it sound like a punishment." Harry said to him and Louis laughed. 

"So you guys like to lie in the same bed or something?" Kaitlin teased and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Wow, only been talking for five minutes and you're already getting on my case." He joked and she laughed again.

"But the answer is yes." Harry chimed in and Louis elbowed him while laughing as well. "He's in denial." Harry said leaning over in front of the screen. 

"Well you're hot." Kaitlin mused and Harry forced a laugh. 

"Hey, don't be hitting on my man." Louis jokes sarcastically, but then he immediately regretted it and turned bright red, laughing nervously. "Oh my goodness, I was just joking, I didn't mean that." He rushed out under his breath. Harry smiled at him fondly 

"Thank you." He then replied kindly and Kaitlin smiled. 

"So, what are you up to?" Louis asked glancing at the screen, still red as a rose. 

"Not much." She shrugged. "Bryson's having her famous Christmas party tonight so that's about all I'm doing." 

"Why do you even bother going to her parties? She's such a bitch." Louis said and she just chortled. 

"Louis, she's our friend." Kaitlin scolded and Louis pressed his lips into a thin smile. 

"Which is why I can call her that." He teased and Kaitlin just rolled her eyes. 

"Anyway, yes, but Mack's, like, in love with her and is dragging me along so he doesn't look stupid showing up to her party alone." She explained. 

"I thought Mack was, like, in love with Nicole?" Louis asked questionably. He nestled back into the pillows and leaned against the wall more comfortably. 

"Well yeah, but then she moved all the way to America to go to college so that fairy tale ended quick." Kaitlin said pursing her lips together. 

"Wasn't she planning on going local so she could stay on the cheer team?" He asked. My, had things changed! 

"Yeah, that was her original plan, but then her psychotic parents basically forced her to study abroad. You know how her parents are." She said and Louis laughed, nodding in agreement. 

"I sure do. Remember when they requested that I wasn't a base for her stunts because they didn't want me touching her thinking I would, like, taint her with my gayness?" He asked laughing and Kaitlin started laughing really hard.

"Oh my goodness, I do!" She exclaimed. "Man, that was so ridiculous." She chuckled shaking her head.

"I know, right?" Louis said in amusement. "How's Talon doing?" Talon was another close friend. 

"He's doing pretty good. He actually broke his arm and had to take a break for, like, a year. It was really gruesome." She said seriously. 

"Ooh, that's not good." Louis said pressing his lips together. 

"Yeah, but he got a boyfriend!" 

"Aw, really?" Louis asked. "Who?" 

"His names William and he's super cute. He's also a year younger which is what makes him so adorable." Kaitlin gushed and Louis smiled. "They've been together for about three months I think. Seriously, if you have your phone check his Instagram." 

"I most definitely will." He grinned. "Oh, and whatever happened with Kyle and Chloe?" He asked curiously.

"They got together but then Chloe cheated on him with some guy from South High after a month." 

"Are you serious?" Louis asked incredulously. "That seems so unlike her though!" He exclaimed.

"I know!" Kaitlin agreed in a loud tone. "She left the team after that, but Kyles still on it-oh my goodness, guess what." She said suddenly and Louis looked at her on the screen curiously. 

"What?"

"We got new coaches and they are so much better. And they don't do weigh ins!" She proclaimed happily. 

"Seriously?" Louis asked with wide eyes. "We shouldn't have even started with weigh ins, they were daft." He said in annoyance. 

"I know. I think everyone thinks that." Kaitlin agreed with a roll of her eyes. 

"So, how's everyone else on the team?" Louis asked. 

"They're all pretty good." She said contently. "We all miss you." She said pouting. 

"I miss you guys too." Louis said somberly. 

"I have a question." Harry piped up and Louis turned to look at him. "When's the newest episode of Gossip Girl coming out?" He asked sarcastically and Louis broke out into a grin, elbowing him again. 

"Next Sunday, better stay tuned." Kaitlin joked and Harry laughed. 

"Okay, but seriously, so since you were in cheerleading and all, does that mean you can do the splits and all?" He asked with a small smirk and Louis felt himself redden. 

"I used too-" 

"Oh my goodness, yes." Kaitlin cut in. "Has he ever actually told you about his cheerleading and gymnastics?" She asked and Harry shook his head.

"He just said he was on a competition cheer team and mentioned the weigh ins, but that's about it." Harry told her enticed. 

"Oh my goodness, Louis was amazing." She raved and Louis wanted to hide. 

"No I wasn't." Louis objected and Kaitlin snorted, rolling her eyes. 

"Ignore him, he's modest and humble." She teased making Harry smile. "But seriously, Louis was literally the best on our team. He was the best at every stunt and you should see his tumbling. He's the only one who can do a double Arabian tuck." 

"That was before, I doubt I could even do that now." Louis grumbled meekly and Kaitlin rolled her eyes again. 

"I'm sure if you stretched you'd be able to start right back up again." 

"No, I couldn't." 

"Yes, you could. Stop being so stubborn." She scolded. "You were amazing and you know it." 

"Were." Louis emphasized.

"I don't know, you're still pretty amazing now." Harry said cheekily and Louis smiled glancing at him. 

"Shut up," He patronized. There was a knock on the door on Kaitlin's end of the call and she looked up. 

"Shit, I forgot Gracynn was coming over." She mumbled getting up. "Be right back." She placed her phone down and got up. Harry turned to Louis and Louis looked at him as well.

"You seem happy." He said softly and Louis smiled. 

"I feel happy." He replied contently. "I was so wrapped up with worrying about my weight and all that I never realized how much I missed talking to Kaitlin and all my other friends." He said lackadaisically. 

"We all do things we regret." Harry replied solemnly and Louis smiled weakly. Suddenly the screen moved as Kaitlin picked up her phone again and then there were two people in the frame.

"Louis!" Gracynn exclaimed cheerfully. "Oh my goodness, I haven't seen or talked to you in forever! How have you been? Are you doing alright? I know you've been kind of going through a tough time." She said sincerely and Louis smiled. How did everyone know he was going through a tough time? 

"I'm doing well." Louis said. "How about you?"

"Pretty good," She smiled brightly. Her orange hair was pulled back in a messy bun and her teeth never seemed whiter. "I'm glad you're doing well." She added. 

"Thanks." 

"Yes, well, we're going out so I will text you later. Okay?" She asked and Louis laughed. 

"Okay." He nodded.

"Good." She said. "Bye!" She and Gracynn both exclaimed and waved before ending the FaceTime. Louis placed his phone down and smiled to himself. 

"You look cute when you smile." Harry said leaning over to kiss his cheek.

"Shut up." He rolled his eyes. Louis swept his hand across his fringe then ran his fingers back through it. He picked up his phone, put in his passcode, and went to his camera. "Lets take a picture." He said turning to Harry. 

"I don't usually do pictures-you really want to take a picture?" He asked looking at him peculiarly. He was a little surprised Louis would actually want to take a picture of them. 

"Just one." Harry pursed his lips together before sighing. 

"Okay, one." He agreed making Louis smile. He held up his phone and Harry leaned closer into Louis's side. They both smiled happy genuine smiles and Louis snapped the pic. He went to his gallery and pulled it up, gazing down at it because he was actually content with a picture he had taken of himself. And on the first try! It felt weird to be looking at a picture of himself and actually not have any reason to feel compelled to delete it. "You look adorable." Harry said looking down at the photo. 

"And you look mesmerizing." Louis joked light heartedly looking up at him. They both grinned at each other before leaning in and kissing each other sweetly. "I'm gonna post it." He stated merrily and nestled down on the bed. 

"Really?" Harry asked lying down beside him. 

"Yeah, is that okay?" Louis asked. 

"Oh, of course." Harry said. "Just seems like a big step forward." He teased and Louis laughed. He nestled against Harry and went to his Instagram, going through the whole process of posting a photo. 

"What should I put for the caption?" Louis asked. 

"I don't know." Harry shrugged. "Whatever you want." Louis rolled his eyes as Harry lack of help and turned back to his phone.   
He just added a smiley face emoji then hit share. 

"It's posted!" He exclaimed. 

"I'm going to like it." Harry said picking up his phone. Louis laughed and went to his profile then clicked on his following list. 

"Ugh, I'm stilling following a bunch of, like, thinspiration accounts." He groaned. "Unfollow." He said making Harry laugh. Harry looked up Louis's profile and followed him while also liking his picture of them. Louis finished unfollowing all the unhealthy accounts he had followed in the past before following Harry back. Louis was surprised people were actually liking his picture and even a few commented some nice things. Really nice things that actually made him smile and maybe even feel a little bit confident? It felt weird to feel good about himself, but there was one comment that made him especially smile. 

harrystyles: damn, the one with the blue eyes sure is handsome 


	33. Chapter 33

It was practically silent during lunch because everyone was too wrapped up in their phones to make any real conversation. The dependence on technology was astounding. 

"Oh, Louis," Macy started and Louis looked up from his phone at her, furrowing his eyebrows curiously. "I found your Instagram!" She exclaimed and Louis groaned, rolling his eyes. He heard Harry chuckle under his breath and Louis shot him a spiteful smirk. 

"How?" He asked glancing back over at her. 

"Well I was going through the people who I follow activities and I already follow Harry and I saw his comment on your photo. It was so cute!" She squealed and Louis rolled his eyes, placing his chin in the palm of his hand, stabbing his fork against his plate. 

"What picture?" Morgan asked looking up. She glanced from Macy, to Louis, back to Macy. 

"I'll show you." Macy said simply and Louis groaned. Harry looked up from his plate with a sheepish smile and red cheeks and Louis smiled shyly. Louis watched out of the corner of his eye as Macy handed her phone over to Morgan and she smiled. 

"Aw," She cooed merrily. "That's so cute! And a really good picture of you guys too."

"I want to see!" Eleanor said eagerly and Patricia nodded in agreement. So Macy's phone was passed around to everyone who all made some comment about how cute it was and Louis and Harry were redder than tomatoes by the time Macy's phone was back in her hand. 

"You guys are literally my OTP." Macy said and Louis just looked at her as if she had lobsters crawling out of her ears. 

"What the fuck is an OTP?" He asked and Harry looked just as lost. 

"It stands for one true pairing." Patricia said. 

"Duh." Macy added teasingly. 

"Haven't you ever heard of that? Or shipping?" Morgan asked. 

"Shipping what?" Louis asked still lost and Harry was just as confused as they laughed.

"Like relationship. You ship two people together." Macy explained. Louis and Harry both looked at each other, eyebrows still furrowed deeply. 

"That makes absolutely no sense." Louis said shaking his head and glanced back at his phone. Harry nodded in agreement. 

"Girls are weird." He added and Louis laughed, making him chuckle as well. 

"Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's weird." Macy said smirking sweetly and Louis smiled back spitefully. 

"It's still weird." He said and she just laughed as she rolled her eyes in amusement. Lunch finished with idle chatter and the swapping of phone numbers. There was scarce "Merry Christmas!" greetings here and there. Being as it was Christmas, apparently families felt obligated to visit their children since it's a "family holiday." Morgan was whisked away to the visiting room almost immediately after lunch, and it wasn't until 1:20 that Harry was told his mother was there as well. And at 1:48 Nurse Deb knocked on his door and told him his mother was there to see him. 

He was kind of nervous. Sure, all was forgiven from the last time, but still. Were his sisters there too? Dean? Oh God, forbid Dean be with her as well. 

Louis walked into the room and just his mother alone stood up from a table. Harry was still talking animatedly with his mother at a different table and Mikayla was in there as well talking to a young, but older than her, man. Maybe it was her brother? A boyfriend? Who knew. 

"Hi mum," Louis greeted and hugged her loosely. She was noticeably pregnant by now. 

"Hi," She said with a cheerful smile. Louis smiled back and they both sat down across from each other. "How are you doing?" She asked thoughtfully.

"Good." He said nodding. "I've been worse, but I've been better. I'm good though."

"That's good." She said smiling. 

"How are you doing?" He then asked.

"Pretty good, I forgot how great it is to go through a pregnancy." She joked sarcastically and they both laughed. "But I found out I actually am having twins again." She announced happily and Louis's eyes widened. 

"Oh wow," He tried to smile so he didn't sound too disappointed. Of course she'd be having twins again. One baby was just to easy. "Do you know the genders yet?" He asked curiously. 

"Not yet, but soon hopefully." She told him and he smiled. If she's having twins one better be a boy so he can have a younger brother. "You know I was, uh, going to visit yesterday, but I figured it probably wasn't a good day knowing how you feel about your birthday." She said with a sincere smile. 

"Yeah, yesterday was. . .," Louis trailed off with a shrug and pursed his lips together thinly. 

"Well, happy belated birthday." She said with a kind smile. "So," She continued. "How are you doing, like, with the program and all?" 

"Better than when I first came here." He joked. "I'm doing pretty well, I think. I'm, uh, close to reaching my healthy weight range, or my goal weight, I guess and I've got the privilege of using their weight room and all now." He said humorously with a forced chuckle. 

"Well you look a lot better and healthier." 

"Thank you." Louis replied with a small smile. "You look good too, I mean, you know, I'm glad your, uh, pregnancy is going smoothly and all." He said before cringing a bit. "How are the girls?" He then asked looking at her. 

"They're well." She smiled. "They miss you and wished they could come, but I thought it'd be better if I just came." She added and Louis exhaled softly. 

"I miss them too." He said softly. He took a deep breath and sighed. "How's Dean?" He asked flatly and his mother laughed. 

"He's fine as well." She said with a little prideful smirk. "So, Lottie mentioned you had posted on your Instagram this morning, I thought you didn't have your phone?" She asked a bit suspiciously. 

"Oh, well, the doctors gave them back to us since its, like, Christmas and all." He explained chewing on the inside of his cheek. 

"Well that was a nice thing for them to do." She remarked and Louis smiled. 

"Yeah, it feels weird having it after not having it for, like, almost four months." This felt so awkward, but he was just talking to his mother so it shouldn't feel or be as awkward as it was. 

"Really shows the dependency on technology." She joked lightly. 

"Yeah, it was practically silent during lunch because everyone was on their phones and all." He added with a laugh. 

"Oh, I bet." She chuckled. "Oh!" She then exclaimed and lifted her purse up onto the table. "The girls wanted me to give you this." She pulled out an envelope and Louis smiled a little. "It's just a little birthday card." She handed it over to him. He took it and gently ripped open the envelope. He pulled out the blue card with a simple Happy Birthday across the front in a white cursive font. 

He opened it and printed inside were the words, "Hope you have a happy birthday" in black lettering and below were his sisters little signatures with a little smiley face or a heart. He smiled. 

"That was sweet." He said contently and she smiled.

"Yeah, they're excited for you to come home." Louis closed the card and set it on the table. 

"I'm excited to come home and not have to wake up at eight o'clock for breakfast." He remarked sarcastically. Jay laughed, rolling her eyes at him, and he grinned. 

"But you're always so pleasant in the morning." She joked and they both laughed merrily.

"And you have everyone here to vouch for you!" He exclaimed lively. Jay was actually pretty content. Louis seemed so full of life and happy and just himself as compared to how he had been prior to entering the hospital. 

Before, even through the whole wedding, he was sullen, depressed, and drained of life it seemed, but she had been too oblivious to notice at the time. But now he was smiling and laughing and she couldn't remember the last time she had actually seen him smile. 

They continued talking idly for twenty more minutes before bidding each other goodbyes. Louis took his card and went back to his room, where Harry was sitting in his bed, reading as usual. 

"So what do you prefer?" Louis asked closing the door. "Actual paper books or e-readers?" He asked placing his card on his desk in exchange for his phone. He sat down on the edge of his bed and peered at Harry who moved his book back. 

"Uh, paperback, duh." Harry stated. "E-readers are just an insult to the human intellect." He said pressing his lips together in a little smirk. 

"What if I liked e-readers?" Louis retorted smirking back at him.

"Then I'd say you're missing out." Harry said. "I mean, the whole point of reading is turning the pages to find out what happens next. Not pressing a button, it just takes away the joy of reading." He said and Louis smiled. He sat back on his bed and turned to his phone. Harry turned back to his book smiling as well. 

The rest of the day was quiet. Even dinner was. After dinner was quiet as well. Until it was time to charge their phones, that was. Louis plugged his into the outlet next to his desk and set his phone on the floor. 

It was ten fifteen and Harry was stepping out of the bathroom rubbing his hair dry with a towel. 

"Think you could plug in my phone for me?" He asked Louis. 

"Sure, where's your phone and charger?" He asked standing back up. Harry reached back into the bathroom and picked his phone up off the sink counter. 

"My chargers in the drawer of my desk." He said as Louis walked over to him and took his phone. "Thanks." He said with a smile. Louis smiled back thinly and nodded.

"Yeah, yeah." He teased walking back over to the other side of the room. Harry stepped back into the bathroom and Louis went to his desk, opening the drawer that was jam packed with books and pulled out his charger. He walked over to the outlet and kneeled down, plugging it into the outlet then the other end into the phone. It lit up and Louis placed it down, standing up again. 

He ran a hand through his hair and stretched his back. He walked back over to the bed and climbed on top, nestling himself under the blanket. Harry walked out of the bathroom again, without a towel this time, and turned out the light as he did. He glanced at Louis and smiled. They both felt so. . .domestic almost even though they still were in a hospital and even technically not in a relationship yet. 

Harry walked to the edge of the bed and pulled back the blanket. Louis looked over at him and smiled cutely. Harry climbed in the bed and they both situated around until their were lying down beside each other comfortably. Louis was turned on his side with his hands tucked underneath his head and Harry was lying on his back with his head turned to Louis. 

"So, on a scale of one to ten how happy were you to have your phone?" He asked teasingly and Louis smiled.

"I don't know, maybe an eight?" He shrugged and Harry grinned. "What about you?" 

"I don't know," He pondered the question for a moment. "Maybe a four. I could live without my phone."

"I couldn't." Louis said shaking his head. 

"I couldn't live without books." Harry said turning his head back and staring up at the ceiling. He linked his hands together and rested them against his lower chest. 

"Why do you like reading so much?" Louis asked him curiously. Harry just took a deep breath and shrugged. 

"I've never really had many friends. I wasn't part of any clubs or activities and I didn't play any sports, but I always had books." He explained. "People who don't read don't understand. They don't know what it's like to travel to different worlds and go on different adventures and solve mysteries with people you know better than your own family. It's the only way to escape my reality and put myself in another." He continued. "Books are the only thing that'll I'll always have." Louis wanted to nestle up to him and say, 'you'll always have me,' but he didn't want to come off as being to strong or laying it on too thick. He didn't know if they'd always have each other. They both hoped they would, but they were still young and dumb. Anything could happen. "Of course, I'll always have you too." Harry turned around on his shoulder and faced Louis.

"Can you read minds? I was literally just about say that, but I was afraid of coming off as too, like, strong or something." He said with a small smile and Harry chuckled. 

"You can never come off as too strong to me." Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Oh yeah?" He asked and Harry nodded. "So if I, like, proposed to you right now that wouldn't be coming off as too strong or laying it on too thick?" 

"Nope, I'd just say, 'I'm flattered, I still want to be with you, but I feel like we should wait a bit longer.'" He said making Louis laugh. 

"What if I said I wanted us to move into together as soon as we were both discharged?" He tested and Harry inhaled slowly, thinking. "That wouldn't be coming off as too strong?" 

"Nope, I'd be like, 'Hells yeah, but what about college? We should probably weigh out our options before making any serious decisions.'" He said and Louis laughed, his whole face lighting up as he did making Harry grin.

"You are so goofy."

"I thought I was so dorky?" He teased and Louis opened his eyes to look at him. 

"You're a goofy dork." He said and Harry smiled at him patronizingly. "I know I sound like a broken record, but you are." He teased. 

"Broken record." Harry repeated and Louis rolled his eyes again. "Okay, if you had a dollar for ever time you rolled your eyes, how much a millionaire would you be?" Louis pursed his lips together and looked around in thought.

"I'd probably be a billionaire." He concluded and they both laughed softly. 

"Well I wouldn't be surprised." Harry said with a nod. "Could create tsunamis with a roll of your eyes."

"Talk about a serious ripple affect." He joked and they both smiled. The room was dark, gloomy clouds masking the moon casted dark shadows on the walls and ceiling. The only source of light was in Louis's eyes. 

"You're eyes are so beautiful." Harry whispered. Louis tried to contain his smile and ended up turning into his pillow to hide his face, like he usually tended to do whenever Harry made him blush. 

"Well your eyes are beautiful too." He said peeking over at him. Harry smiled at him and nestled against his pillow, leaning in closer to Louis a bit. 

"Not as beautiful as yours." He whispered making Louis giggle childishly. He clamped his hand over his mouth, embarrassed to have created a noise such as that. "And your laugh is beautiful, and your smile is enough to light up an entire room, and your lips always look so soft." He raved making Louis's heart flutter.

"Stop, you're making me blush." He said bringing the hand not pressed against the pillow to his cheek. Harry just smirked at him maliciously and leaned in quickly, kissing his lips softly. Louis was caught off guard, but a good caught off guard. He moved his hand from his own cheek over to Harry's and brushed his thumb against his soft skin. They both pulled away and smiled shyly at each other. 

"If your life was a novel, what kind of novel would it be?" Louis asked him softly. Harry looked at him curiously and thought for a moment. 

"If my life were a novel it'd be a tragedy." Louis peered at him skeptically. 

"How could your life be a tragedy when you've met me?" Harry broke out into a large grin and wrapped his arms around him, quickly pulling him closer to his body before he could resist. Their bodies were practically squished together, but they weren't complaining. 

It made Louis feel almost confident that he didn't feel that annoying itch to push away from Harry. He thought back to the time when they shared their first hug and their bodies didn't even touch because they didn't want them too. They were still so scarily thin and embarrassed at the time. 

Then the other time where they were standing at the window and kissing. Louis remembered pulling Harry's hands off his waist and asking him not to touch him there because his waist was simply disgusting. 

And although both of them were still unhappy by their own bulky bodies, they didn't feel uncomfortable or awkward or embarrassed. Here they were, lying in bed with their arms around each other, their legs tangled together, and their chests and torsos pressed together. 

It was weird and exhilarating at the same time because Louis actually felt comfortable lying that close to another person. He never thought he'd ever meet anyone who would want to lie that close to him after he had developed his disorder, after all he was disgusting, and although a part of him still found himself disgusting, Harry did not find him disgusting. 

Harry found him beautiful, even more beautiful than the day they met because when they met Harry thought he had a beautiful mind and now he was a beautiful person. He didn't have a concave stomach, or boney arms and legs, or even collar bones that were really prominent. His face looked fuller because his cheekbones weren't as hollow and he just looked so beautiful because what's not beautiful about looking healthy? 

Louis smiled at Harry with pure contentment and Harry gazed back at him with pure admiration. He reached out and placed his hand on Louis's cheek softly. He leaned in, kissing him softly. 

"You...are so beautiful." He whispered breathlessly. Louis felt so beautiful, but at the same time he didn't. 

"I wish I felt how you make me feel all the time." Louis whispered back solemnly. 

"I wish I could fall in love with my body the way you fell in love with the stars." Louis smiled. 

"I wish I could fall in love with my body the way you fell in love with books." Harry smiled back at him, his cheeks blushing pink. "What do you think of your body?" He took a slow, deep breath. 

"I think...my body is my body. It is what it is and I might not be exactly happy with it at the moment, but it's a learning process." Louis smiled. "And I'm not done learning." 

"That was very deep of you." He teased. Harry just shrugged modestly. "I don't...I still don't like my body, but I do not hate it." Louis felt a sudden rush of giddiness enthrall him and he broke out into a wide grin. "Oh my god, I can't believe I just said that out loud." He whispered laughing beautifully. Harry beamed at him proudly. "I don't hate my body." He repeated joyously. "And I know that I'm not lying to myself because I actually feel proud saying that." 

"I'm glad." Harry leaned in and gave him another sweet kiss. Louis smiled at him and Harry returned a beautiful smile. "I'm really happy for you."

"Hey, I'm happy for you too." Louis stated. Harry laughed softly, nodding. He placed his hand out and Harry reached out, grabbing his hand gently and lacing their fingers together. 

"Good night." He whispered. 

"Good night." They both nestled together cozily and drifted off to sleep with little butterflies fluttering around in their stomachs.


	34. Chapter 34

"Let's talk about life after eating disorders." Dr. Wentz was back and better than ever. It was New Years Eve day and people were anxious about tomorrow. Only because they have to turn their phones in, though. They had all gotten attached to them again and giving them up seemed almost harder than eating at this point. "Who was afraid to come here when you first did?" He asked. 

"How else are we supposed to feel when we're being forced here against our own will?" A new girl named Pip asked sarcastically. She, and another girl named Jhanvi, both joined the program on the 27th. Jhanvi was completely quiet whereas Pip was literally the female version of Louis. 

"You could feel angry?" Dr. Wentz suggested and Pip just snorted, rolling her eyes. 

No one else said anything, but instead just glanced at each other, waiting for someone else to say something. 

"Well I'm gonna venture to guess all of you were a little afraid in some way." He said. "Who here is afraid to leave?" 

"Me." Morgan said. "I'm leaving in two days and I'm a little scared." She admitted shyly. 

"Why?" Dr. Wentz asked glancing at her curiously. 

"I don't know," She shrugged. "I'm afraid of falling back into my same old patterns." She said. 

"How can you avoid that?" Dr. Wentz asked. 

"I don't know," She said shaking her head. 

"A big part about recovery from an eating disorder is actually life after having recovered." He explained glancing at everyone. "Recovery looks different for each person and every family or support group. Recovery means change and that change can be anything from eating three meals a day again to just doing what makes you happy." He said. "Does anyone have any ideas on what else could be a result of recovering?" He asked. "To you, what does recovery look like?" 

"Learning how to say no." Macy said seriously without any elaboration.

"Learning how to say yes." Morgan added jokingly with a small smile. 

"Not being controlled by what others think." Claire spoke up softly. 

"Taking control of your own life again." Eleanor said. 

"Expressing anger constructively." Louis added and Harry tried to hide his smile. 

"Making physical and emotional health your number one priority." Mikayla remarked. 

"Yes, those are all great things." Dr. Wentz smiled. "And it can even be things you wouldn't think of, like simply trying a new activity, or making new friends, or being able to concentrate on a book, or just knowing that there is hope." He said. "But it's not always as easy as it sounds." 

"Nothing's ever as easy as it sounds." Pip said rolling her eyes. Her black hair with dark purple streaks was pulled up into a loose bun to show off her prominent collar bones. 

"No it is not, but it's easy once you get through it." Dr. Wentz said. "What's something you're afraid of happening once you leave and go back home?" He then asked. 

"Relapsing." Morgan answered and everyone nodded in agreement. "I'm afraid I'm just going to fall back into my same old pattern and start not eating again and resorting to laxatives, ignoring my friends and family again." She said meekly. 

"And it's okay to be afraid of that." Dr. Wentz said. "People with eating disorders are often very independent, intelligent, and hard working," He continued and Pip scoffed.

"If we're so intelligent then why do people constantly dumb us down by telling us how unintelligent and stupid it is to starve ourselves?" She asked. 

"Intelligence is like beauty, it comes with perspective." Dr. Wentz said. 

"And what the hell does that mean?" Pip asked furrowing her eyebrows together. 

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Intelligence is in the eye of the beholder." Dr. Wentz said calmly and Pip just rolled her eyes. 

"Well, thats stupid, but whatever." She mumbled.

"I believe that proves my point." Dr. Wentz said with a thin smile. Pip rose her hand and flipped him off when he looked away and some who caught it snickered. "As I was saying, whereas they're independent and intelligent, they don't usually want to be a burden, or share their feelings or vulnerabilities with anyone." Louis immediately thought of Harry. "One of the biggest hurdles to overcome is admitting to the eating disorder and reaching out for help." He added. "And the other hurdle is going back to your regular routine afterwards." 

"My regular routine is skipping meals and watching Netflix all day." Pip said and Dr. Wentz took a deep breath. 

"Well once you're discharged you can start eating meals as you watch Netflix." He fired back irritability and she just chuckled. Louis sat in his chair with arms and legs crossed and Harry sat next to him mirroring his position. They both glanced at each other with small smiles and Harry snickered softly while Louis rolled his eyes. 

Pip was so annoying, she seriously needed to just keep her mouth shut. Was Louis this annoying when he first came here? "Eating disorders are, in a sense, crazy. But they make quite a bit of sense to those who live with them." Dr. Wentz continued. "And one of the things that really hits home for those dealing with them is leaving and actually dealing with the rush of feelings that come back when they start to eat normally again." 

"But we eat normally here so what's the difference?" Macy asked. 

"Well, here you have to show up at a certain time and eat what's on your plate. But when you're at home you don't have anyone telling you that it's time to sit down and eat and how much you have to eat. That's for your judgement, it's your decision to make." He said. "If you want to eat breakfast, you can or you can't." He added. "It's important to maintain a healthy balanced diet once you've reached recovery." 

"I know, but I feel like once I'm on my own again I'm not really going to eat on the clock and all, like, when you're supposed to eat meals." Macy said shyly. 

"That's to be expected." Dr. Wentz nodded her way. "Something that might help with that is having someone to eat with instead of eating alone. Go out to lunch with a friend or just invite them over for lunch. Eat breakfast with a family member or a friend as well. Sometimes people are afraid of the independence recovery brings-"

"I thought we were already independent." Pip interrupted flatly. 

"Where are you sitting right now?" Dr. Wentz asked sternly. "It is said that people are independent, but are you really independent when an eating disorder has taken control of your life to the point where you're admitted to a place like this?" He asked harshly. "Eating disorders take away the independence you have and twist and conform it so you're dependent on the disorder." 

"Point one for Dr. Wentz." She said sarcastically and Dr. Wentz cracked a small smile. 

"Anyway, back to the topic," He cracked his knuckles. "When you leave and you're discharged, people are probably going to compliment how much better you look." He said and some of the girls physically cringed at the thought. Louis and Harry did as well. "Yes," Dr. Wentz laughed. "It'll probably be physically hard to hear because you'd rather people not comment on your body seeing as the position you were just in, but many people will assume that since you look better you'll feel better. Like I said, that's not so. There are going to be slip ups, ups and downs, twists and turns. You may relapse, that is something you are going to have to be consciously aware of all the time. And if you do relapse then that's okay. It is okay to relapse and take a step backwards as long as you accept it as a part of moving forward."

"How is relapsing a part of moving forward?" Annabel asked. 

"Because there's always going to some set backs." He said. "Just because you relapse does not mean full recovery is not possible and you're never going to beat your eating disorder." He explained. "When you're a baby and you learn to walk for the first time you don't fall down and just decide to crawl for the rest of your since couldn't walk perfectly your first try. When you're learning to ride a bike and fall and scrape your knee you don't just let your bike rust in the garage since you couldn't ride a bike your first time. When a person suffering from depression is working to overcome it and they have a bad day where they're feeling more depressed than usual, they don't just give up, quit therapy, and throw out their medication. Much like how a person recovering from an eating disorder where not eating completely, or purging then bingeing, or eating compulsively becomes such a part of everyday life it's expected to have some setbacks. It's not expected to go perfectly smooth." He said. "And that may seem scary because it is, but it's not something that can't be dealt with."

"What if it is something that can't be dealt with?" Macy asked. 

"There is nothing in this world that can not be overcome." Dr. Wentz stated. "People overcome depression, people overcome eating disorders, people overcome anxiety disorders, some people are lucky enough to overcome cancer. People lose limbs, but they can still go surfing without an arm or dance with prosthetic legs, blind people can play piano and guitar and go white water rafting in the Grand Canyon. People with disorders, such as autism or Down syndrome, get acting jobs and singing gigs and do extraordinary things. And you guys can do extraordinary things too. Your eating disorder does not define who you are or anything about you. What your eating disorder says is that for a moment in your life you fell susceptible to your insecurities. This is not a permanent thing. In five or ten years from now you'll look back on this and feel proud about how far you've come within those five or ten years. The only way anything will ever hold you back is if you let it hold you back." 

"I'm afraid I'm going to be dealing with my eating disorder for the rest of my life, though." Morgan admitted sheepishly. 

"You will not be battling your eating disorder for the rest of your life, but it is something that will follow you around wherever you go. It doesn't matter how long you've dealt with it or been recovered, it's an albatross around your neck and you don't want that especially when you're the one who put it there. It's something you can't escape because it's not something that will ever be forgotten. You're not going to wake up one morning and be like, "Oh hey, remember that time I had an eating disorder?" You're going to wake up and think, "Okay, this morning I am going to eat a healthy breakfast because I did not rebuild this temple only to knock it down again." It's not something you're constantly going to be thinking about, a majority of the time you probably won't even be thinking about the past, but if you take what you learn and adhere to that then life will never reach below your lowest point." He took a deep breath. "Or the exact opposite could be true, actually. You could walk out of here, get to a state of being recovered, and never think about it again. It all depends on the person."

The rest of group therapy was spent still talking about recovery and tactics on how to make it easier to go through. 

Harry and Louis both headed straight for their room once it ended. 

"Okay, I know you, Macy, and Morgan say Pip is just like me, but am I really that annoying?" Louis asked walking into the room and Harry laughed as he closed the door.

"No, you aren't annoying." Louis turned around with his arms crossed tightly across his chest and gave Harry a patronizing look. 

"Really?" 

"Well, I didn't find you annoying. I found you funny." He said and Louis smiled condescendingly. 

"Of course you did." He mumbled. 

"I did." Harry insisted and walked over to him. "You were very outspoken and confident-"

"I was not confident." Louis laughed. 

"Confident with your words." Harry finished and Louis rolled his eyes. He strode over to his desk and picked up Wheel of Darkness before sitting down on the edge of his bed. He looked up at Harry. 

"What kind of name is Pip anyway?" He asked.

"For all I know Pip is the name of a demon character on an episode of The Twilight Zone." Harry said shrugging. Louis stared up at him blankly, having no idea what he was talking about. 

"What?" He asked raising his eyebrows in confusion. 

"The old show The Twilight Zone." Harry said. "It was popular in the 1950's in America, it's a SyFy show and in one episode, this robber gets shot by a policeman and dies and he goes to hell, but he thinks he's in Heaven and that the guy Pip is his guardian angel, but he's not because he's in hell." Harry explained. 

"Okay, that sounds really weird, but if it suits your fancy then alright." He said making Harry chuckle. 

"Oh yeah, you just keep watching your Queer as Fuck." He retorted shaking his head. 

"Hey, it's Queer as Folk." Louis corrected and Harry laughed more, sitting down beside him on the bed. "And it's a good quality show. Come for the queer, stay for the folk." 

"Whatever suits your fancy." Harry teased and Louis smiled at him. Their shoulders bumped together and Harry reached out to the book in Louis's hand, tapping his finger against the cover. "How do you like it?" 

"It's really good," Louis said. "I'm really close to finishing it though." 

"Well if you want another to read afterwards, you know where to find me." Harry joked. Louis laughed merrily then sighed contently. He felt exceptionally happy today. 

"Today's a good day." Harry looked at him curiously. Louis was staring at the wall and the sunlight filtering into the room made his profile glow, setting a halo affect above his head. Harry was beginning to wonder if it really was the sun and moon always giving him a halo or if it was just Louis.

"How so?" He asked and Louis looked at him with soft eyes. 

"I don't know, it just feels like a good day. I feel happy." He said and Harry smiled at him. 

"Good." He leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, making Louis blush. He looked cute with a little blush in his cheeks. He picked the book up out of Louis's hand. "Gather round, children! It's story time." He exclaimed. 

"What are you doing?" Louis asked him amused. 

"I am going to read to you." Harry announced. He turned around so his back was to Louis then laid down, placing his head in Louis's lap. He opened to a random page towards the beginning of the book and Louis chortled, looking down at him with admiration. "The black shroud of night had just begun to lift when Pendergast made his way through the ironbound doors of the monastery's inner gate." He read out loud loudly. 

"Haz, I'm towards the end of the book, not the beginning." Louis said reaching down and combing his fingers through his hair. 

"Ahead, beyond the outer wall, the bulk of Annapurna reared up, adamant, a purple outline emerging from the receding darkness." Harry continued disregarding Louis's statement. "He paused in the cobblestone courtyard while a monk silently brought his horse. The chill redrawn air was heavy with dew and the scent of wild roses. Throwing his saddlebags over the animal's withers, he checked the saddle, adjusted the stirrups." He read. Louis just sighed, relaxed, and listened to him read. He had such a lovely voice. It was so low and husky and just really beautiful when you really listened to him. 

"What chapter is this?" He asked. 

"Constance Greene watched wordlessly as the FBI agent went through his final preparations." Harry continued making Louis laugh again. "She was dressed in a monastic robed of faded saffron, and, were it not for her fine features and her spill of brown hair, could almost be mistaken for a monk herself." 

"That'd be embarrassing." 

"I'm sorry to leave you early, Constance. I have to get our mans trail before it is cold.  
They really have no idea what it is?" Pendergast shook his head. "Beyond it's shape and it's name, none.   
Darkness. . ." She murmured. She glanced at him, her eyes troubled. "How long will you be gone?" Harry read gleefully. And he kept reading. He read the entire third chapter and first of the fourth until lunch time when he had to put the book down and go to the dayroom. 

"Maybe next time you can read the pages I haven't read already." Louis said teasingly as they sat down across from each as usual. 

"Well you never specified what page to start on." Harry said shrugging humbly. 

"Well I tried to tell you but you just ignored me and kept reading." Louis retorted.

"Okay, what's going on now?" Macy asked in amusement and curiosity. 

"I was just reading to him in the room." Harry told her casually.

"Yeah, he was reading, like, the third chapter when I'm on one of the last ones." Louis cut in and she laughed.

"You guys are so goofy sometimes." She said shaking her head. Everyone was joined at the table and the plates were set. Morgan sat next to Louis, across from Macy, and Pip was seated next to Macy unfortunately. 

"So, what's exactly up with you two?" She asked curiously. 

"Their dicks." Morgan joked and Louis elbowed her while Macy giggled and Harry turned bright red. 

"Shut up," Louis said sternly and stared down at his plate. 

"Well, if it wasn't already obvious, they're kind of, like, an item." Morgan told her matter of fact. 

"Yeah, they like-like each other, but won't say they're boyfriends or in a relationship or anything." Macy added on. 

"Oh wow, I forgot I lost my voice and asked you guys to talk for me." Louis said sarcastically. "Oh wait." He added cynically and Macy just smirked at him. 

"So, Lewis," Pip said and Louis cringed.

"It's Louis." He corrected and she rolled her eyes.

"Whatever." She said. "Were you in cheerleading?" She asked and Louis furrowed his eyebrows together suspiciously. 

"Yeah, how'd you know that?" 

"My cousin was on your team, I thought you looked familiar, but I couldn't tell from where." She shrugged. She still hadn't picked up her silverware, not once. Today's lunch was pork chops, a healthy amount of spinach, and stuffing. 

"Who's your cousin?" Louis asked.

"Mack." She stated and Louis nodded. 

"Oh, cool." Mack was a close friend of his. Everyone on that team was a close friend of his. He missed them all terribly. "So what kind of name is Pip anyway?" Louis asked cutting his pork chop into pieces. 

"It's a nickname." She said. "My name is Patricia Imelda Polaski, but if you call me Patricia I will shove this fork down your throat." She threatened with an unamused expression. Louis just smirked in amusement though.

"Well my names Louis and if you call me Lewis I will hold a pillow over your face until you stop breathing." He shot back. 

"Literally twins, I'm telling you." Macy whispered to Harry making him laugh. 

"I heard that." Louis snapped. 

"Me too." Pip added.

"Well I'm just saying," Macy said. "You guys are literally the same person as both genders." 

"Whatever." Louis and Pip both said in unison. 

"My point exactly." 

"Patricia and I are nothing alike." Louis said spitefully and she smirked bittersweetly. 

"You really want to play this game, Lewis?" She asked. 

"What about Pat?" Louis asked and she pressed her lips into a thin line, shaking her head. 

"What about faggot?" She retorted sternly.

"What about dyke?" Louis shot back angrily. Did she seriously just pull out the f-word? 

"Cock sucker." 

"Bitch."

"Bastar-"

"Okay!" Morgan rose over voice over theirs and the entire table was silent. "Why don't we just simmer down, okay?" She said calmly. "If someone prefers to be called something other than their first name or want their names pronounced the way they are the least you can do is respect that."

The rest of lunch was completely silent as well at dinner. Pip sat on the complete other end of the table during it. 

Afterwards Louis went back to their room, took a shower, then read until it was lights out. Louis was still fuming over lunch. 

"Pip is such a bitch." He ranted and Harry just nodded with his arm wrapped around him loosely. "I'm serious, I can't believe she had the fucking audacity to call me a faggot. That's such a derogatory term." He said shaking his head. He tapped his finger against Harry's lower chest and peered up at him who was staring up at the ceiling.

"So is dyke." Louis pursed his lips together. 

"Okay, I probably shouldn't have said that, but she pissed me off." He was getting angry just thinking about it. 

"That doesn't make it okay." Harry replied calmly and Louis sighed.

"I know." He said quietly. "I really need to work on my anger management." 

"Yes you do." Harry said teasingly. "So," Harry changed the topic. "How are you doing?" He asked seriously. 

"I'm doing alright." Louis said. "How are you doing?" 

"I'm doing pretty good." He replied contently and Louis smiled. 

"That's good." He said softly. "I'm glad." 

"I'm glad as well." Harry said smiling happily. He turned his head and looked down at Louis. "Good night," He leaned down at pressed a soft kiss to Louis's forehead. 

"Good night," Louis said and curled into Harry's side cozily. And he fell asleep peacefully, and comfortably, and warmly, and just happy.


	35. Chapter 35

It was the first of January 2015 and their phones had been turned in much to their dismay. Group therapy had been a fun hour of talking about mental and emotional health and also the start of individual therapy sessions. Just like how Dr. Fairchild said. Yay!

Lunch was back to normal with everyone in their usual spots and conversation filling the air. 

It was after lunch and Louis, Harry, and Pip were sitting on the couch while Macy and Morgan were sitting on the love-seat all watching The Bing Bang Theory. 

Louis was on one end with his legs bent over Harry's lap. Pip was at the very end next to Harry with Louis's feet placed in between the little spot between them. 

"Lewis, could you move your feet?" Pip asked in annoyance. 

"Of course, I'd do anything for you, Patricia." Louis said sarcastically and extended his legs out further. She glared at him and if looks could kill Louis would be dead in an instant. 

"I meant the other fucking way, you dumbass." She spit through her teeth. 

"Oh, well why didn't you just say so, Pat?" Louis asked with even more sarcasm. He pulled his feet in and curled up against the arm of the couch. He hadn't even looked at Pip, but he could feel her staring at him. He could practically see her breathing fire out of the corner of his eye. 

Harry just sat awkwardly in the middle, trying to tune them out and focus on the show. Macy and Morgan watched all three of them in amusement. Reality shows were always more entertaining.

"Lewis, I swear to God." She said angrily clenching her fist as if she was restraining herself from punching something. 

"If you stop calling me Lewis, I'll stop calling you Patricia." Louis replied glancing at her and shrugging. 

"I called you Lewis because you were calling me Patricia." She retorted pressing her lips together. 

"No, I called you Patricia because you were calling me Lewis. You're the one who started it." Louis said crossing his arms. 

"You're the one who kept it going." Patricia stated.

"So did you!" Louis exclaimed

"Okay! Can we just be in the same room without all the bickering?" Harry spoke up glancing at them both. Macy and Morgan giggled. Harry just rolled his eyes. 

"It's his fault, I didn't do anything." Pip argued defensively and Harry rolled his eyes.

"You asked me to move my feet and I did." Louis said stubbornly and Pip rolled her eyes this time. 

"You knew what I meant when I asked and instead you were a prick and did the opposite of what I meant." She started raising her voice slightly. Uh-oh. 

"Well you didn't specify." Louis shrugged carelessly.

"I didn't think I had to." Pip fired back angrily. 

"Okay, let's calm down, yeah?" Harry butted in quickly. He did not want to see Louis and Pip fight to the death which is what would happen if someone didn't step in quickly or if Louis lost his temper. "Obviously you guys are just trying to be spiteful to each other which is a waste of breath so let's just try to be kind, and respectful, and civil, okay?" 

"What are you? Our fucking mediator?" Pip asked raising her brow at him and Harry took a deep breath, glancing at her.

"If that's what I have to be, then yes. I'm tired of listening to you guys bicker." He said. "But I shouldn't have to be." 

"It's not my fault he's an inane person." Pip mumbled. 

"What does that even mean?" Louis asked and she gawked at him. 

"Did you even graduate high school?" She sneered and Louis's expression hardened. 

"No, I didn't, bitch. Sorry if I didn't know what one word meant." He said angrily. 

"You didn't graduate?" Harry asked softly and looked at him. 

"No, I didn't meet one of the stupid requirements and didn't get it done in time." Louis answered quietly. 

"That explains so much." Pip muttered under her breath and Louis sat up. 

"Shut the fuck up, you know absolutely nothing about me." He snapped angrily. 

"I know you didn't graduate high school, and that's sad." She said wickedly. 

"Oh shit," Macy whispered to Morgan and they both smirked, finding the utmost humor in Pip and Louis's fighting.

"Oh? And how'd your graduation go? You didn't pass out from malnourishment did you?" He shot back furiously. 

"Maybe I did." She challenged and Louis scoffed. "How'd yours go- oh wait." She smirked spitefully. 

"Okay, cut it out. Louis is actually very bright, the fact that you're trying to use him not graduating as an insult against him just shows how unintelligent you really are." Harry said and Louis smiled at him fondly. 

"It's a shame you waste your time with him, you could do so much better than him." She said wickedly. 

"Shut the fuck up." Louis snapped. His smile was gone, a scowl had since replaced it. Harry was beginning to get a little worked up now.

"No, I couldn't. If anything, he could do better, not me." He argued calmly, but was feeling very flustered. 

"I don't know, a handsome lad like you could have guys and girls, anyone wrapped around your finger. What the hell do you even see in him? Is it just 'cause he's the only other male in here? It's not as if this little fling of yours is even going to continue once you leave." She taunted with a small smirk. Harry just flushed, his entire face reddening. Louis's face was reddening too, though. In anger. 

"I said shut the fuck up." He told her furiously. Louis was already anxious about how things would go once they were discharged, he did not need Pip making it purposefully worse.

"Newsflash, telling me to shut the fuck up won't make me shut the fuck up." Pip snapped angrily. 

"Oh, I'll make you shut up." Louis threatened and Pip rose to her feet. 

"Really? What the fuck are you gonna do? Hit me? Go right ahead, give the feminists a reason to thrive." She quipped peering down narrowly at him. Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath whereas Morgan and Macy were eating the invisible popcorn. 

"I'm not going to hit you." Louis said jumping up to his feet as well. 

"Well I'm about this close to bashing her head against a wall." Pip scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"Go right ahead, give the LGBT activists a reason to thrive." He mocked and anger flared in both their eyes.

"I wouldn't be hitting you just because you're gay." She said sternly. 

"And I wouldn't be hitting you just because you're a girl. If even." He mumbled under his breath. 

"Can we all just calm down? This is extremely petty and unnecessary." Harry spoke up looking up at them both and feeling very small under their stern eyes. 

"You're so much talk-"

"Really? Because I wouldn't doubt myself." Louis interrupted and she scoffed, shaking her head. 

"Well, I would." She crossed her arms. "You think you're so tough because you're so witty and sarcastic with everyone and you use big words like fuck and shit." She said nastily and Louis just rolled his eyes uninterested. "Newsflash, princess-"

"Don't you fucking call me princess." Louis interrupted angrily.

"Oh, I'm sorry, pansy." She corrected and smirked smugly which just fueled Louis's burning fire. 

"You motherfuckin' bastard." He spit evilly and she just rolled her eyes.

"You worthless piece of shit-"

"You are such a bitch." Louis said with asperity laced in his tone. 

"And to think this is all because she called him Lewis and vice versa." Macy said to Morgan and she snickered. 

"Tell me something I don't know." She said. 

"Dick." Louis muttered under his breath. 

"I'm not the one who likes dick. Are your parents proud that you're a cock sucking faggot?" Now that crossed a fucking line. Before Louis could even come to terms with reality and be conscious of what he was doing he was pulling back his fist. 

Just when he went to deck her right in her pale frail face Harry stood up indignantly in enough time to take Louis's blow to the nose. 

It all happened so fast and when Harrys head snapped back and his hand flew to his nose Louis gasped and covered his hands over his mouth. Pips mouth dropped open and Macy and Morgan both had their hands over their mouths with widened eyes. 

Harry's eyes watered and he shook his head slightly to clear things up. He reached up and touched his nose gently.

"Well, it's time for my one on one with Dr. Bindle." He said slowly and glanced at the clock. It was two o'clock and his hand was still covering his nose.

"Harry, oh my, I-" Louis stammered to find the right words. He was too shocked, though! He couldn't believe he just punched Harry in the nose. His hand felt numb.

"Save it." Harry interrupted calmly and held his hand up to stop Louis. A droplet of blood rolled out of his nose and Harry reached up, touching the moisture gently. Then more blood fell and his nose began to bleed badly. "Well, guess what I'll be talking about?" Harry asked sarcastically as he walked towards the door of the dayroom with his head tilted back. "Why I have a fucking bloody nose since you can never control your fucking anger!" He yelled out furiously as he walked out the door. 

The room was silent despite the volume of the television. The only thing Louis could hear was his heart pounding in his ears. He swallowed thickly and pulled at his collar which was becoming seemingly tighter which each breath he took.

Pip still stood there stunned, arms crossed loosely across her chest, and mouth hanging open in surprise. 

Macy and Morgan had brought their hands away from their mouths, but we're still looking shocked. Everyone was shocked. Louis was numb. He just punched Harry straight in the nose and if Harry hadn't stood up then he would've punched Pip straight in the nose. The only other person he had ever straight out punched in his life was Brandon, and he deserved it. 

"Louis," Macy started softly. 

"Save it." Louis said in a hoarse tone. He turned his head down and walked away from them, towards the door before he started crying in front of them. 

He walked into their room and into the bathroom, closing the door. His stomach was in knots and his head ached. He started thinking about what he would say to Harry once his one on one ended and he came back to the room. What would Harry say? What was Louis even going to say? Should he even say anything right away or just let things settle for a bit before talking? 

Louis took a deep breath, washed his face with cold water, then walked back into the room. He settled down on his bed and read to pass the time. He could hardly even focus on the book because he was so nervous. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to see Harry. Harry seemed pretty mad and when Hardy was mad, he was mad. And that never ended well.

-

At 3:00 Harry stormed back into the room. Dried blood stained his collar and his nose was bruised and slightly swollen. Louis stood up quickly and Harry slammed the door behind him. 

"Harry, I am so sorry." Louis said frantically. "I'm sorry, I really I am." He walked up to Harry who was still seething with anger. He was hoping that after an hour of cool-down time they'd be able to just talk. 

"You need to learn to control your fucking anger!" Apparently it wasn't enough.

"I know." He said meekly. 

"Stop knowing and start doing." Harry shot back. "The thing is is that people make you mad so you feel some need to drag them down! If you would've just ignored Pip she would've fucking shut the hell up and it wouldn't have escalated to what it did. Why can't you just let things go?" He asked placing his hands on his hips. Louis stared at the floor somberly. 

"I don't know, I've let too many things go in my life." Louis mumbled shrugging slightly. 

"Well you need to learn to just let the little things like this go, okay?" Harry said cynically and Louis looked at him sternly. 

"She asked me if my parents were proud that I was a cock sucking faggot!" He rose his voice angrily. 

"I don't care!" Harry hollered back and Louis took a step back. 

"You don't care?" He asked softly, heart stopping. 

"No, I don't." He told him sternly and his heart dropped. "I don't care if she called you a faggot, or a worthless piece of shit, or a bastard, or anything because all she was trying to do was rile you up and she succeeded." Louis scoffed. 

"So you honestly don't care at all that she said those disgusting things to me? The same things my father once said?" He asked seriously and calmly, but on the inside he was raging. 

"You were both saying some pretty vile things to each other, so in a sense, you were both acting like your father." Harry retorted crossing his arms. 

"I can't fucking believe you." Louis mumbled gritting his teeth and shook his head in disappointment. 

"It's a two way street, Louis. Based on how both of you were acting, I'd have to care about both of you and think both of you were wrong at the same time." He said and Louis furrowed his eyebrows together at him narrowly.

"It's the principle of the thing-"

"The principle of the thing," Harry interrupted raising his voice over Louis's. "Is that you need to control your anger and so does Pip." He said austerely. "Life does not work the way you think. You can't talk back to everyone who pisses you off. You can't call other people vulgar names just because they called you some. You need to learn to not stoop to their level and be the fucking bigger person." 

"Well if you don't have anyone to put people in their place then who do you have?" Louis mumbled sarcastically. His chest hurt as well as his throat. He hated fighting with Harry and by the looks of it there wasn't any resolution coming soon. He didn't want this to end without a resolution. He hoped this could be sorted out now so dinner wouldn't be awkward and they wouldn't end up sleeping in separate beds. 

"You have good and civil people because the people putting others into their place is not you." Harry said. "You're only twenty fucking years old, the only person you can put into place is yourself and you aren't doing a very good job right about now."

"Look, I'm sorry I punched you in the nose-"

"Why were you even going to hit her?" Harry interrupted stepping forward closer to him. 

"Because. . .," Louis trailed off indefinitely. 

"Because why?" Harry pressed.

"Because I was mad!" Louis exclaimed raising his shoulders in annoyance. 

"That is not a good enough reason." Harry spit. "The only reason anyone should hit anyone is unless it's an act of self defense. Hitting others because you're mad is stupid and ignorant." He said lividly. 

"Then I guess I'm stupid and ignorant." Louis mumbled shrugging again. 

"Well I guess you are." Harry fired back and Louis looked at him harshly. 

"Why are you being so mean?" 

"I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just pissed because you let your anger get the best of you and you end doing ridiculous things like punching a mirror, or aiming a punch at Pip, or just blowing up at the littlest thing!"

"Well I'm sorry, they have anger management classes for a reason." Louis said sassily and Harry rolled is eyes.

"Well you aren't taking one are you?" Harry retorted. 

"Fuck you."

"Are you going to mean that three hours from now?" Harry asked him and Louis froze. 

"What?" He asked taken back. 

"Are you going to still mean it later today or are you going to regret saying that?" Harry asked him seriously.

"I. . .I'd probably regret it." Louis admitted softly. 

"You need to only say things you mean." Louis cast his eyes to the floor. 

"People say things they don't mean all the time." He justified and Harry scoffed.

"That's the problem." He said. "You need to realize what you're saying, who you're saying it to, and how it will affect the person you're talking to."

"Are you fucking kidding me? You're standing here telling me that I need to realize how what I say will affect the person I'm speaking too and you're telling that you don't care about me!"

"That is not what I fucking meant!"

"Well it really fucking feels like it!" Louis crossed his arms tightly. "And stop telling me what I need to do!" Louis added in annoyance. "I know I have a fucking anger problem and I know I need to fucking work on it, but it's something that takes time to work on! Kind of like an eating disorder, it's something that takes time to, like, overcome and break." 

"Then why don't you start actually trying to break it and control your anger for once-"

"Would you stop fucking patronizing me?" Louis interrupted. "I don't need you telling me things I already know." He said sternly. 

"Well I didn't need a bloody and bruised nose." Harry shot back and Louis grit his teeth. 

"Well I don't need you scrutinizing me!" Louis exclaimed raising his tone.

"I'm not scrutinizing you!" 

"Yes you are!" Louis yelled.

"No I'm not! Saying that you need to work on your anger management is not scrutinizing you!" Harry shouted back. 

"Yes it is! You're telling me that I need to do this and that and everything! You think I don't fucking know all that? I fucking know that! I know I have an anger problem, I know I need to work on it like I just said a minute ago! It's hard because it's hard to control anger!" Louis yelled furiously and balled his fists at his sides so tightly that his nails cut into his palm.

"No, it's because you are still mad at your father so whenever you get mad you channel that anger let it get the best of you!" Harry yelled. 

"No, it's not!" Louis shouted. 

"Yes it is, you may not realize it, but it is." Harry said lowering his voice. 

"Well, I think I would know." Louis retorted. 

"Well that's the thing, people don't usually know."

"And how do you know that?" Louis asked sassily.

"You think you're the only one to have their father screw them over?" Harry asked beginning to raise his voice again. "We had to move here just to get away from him!"

"I thought you said they just got a divorce then you moved here." Louis lowered his voice and Harry scoffed. 

"No," He said shaking his head. "I wish," He laughed. "He went into a rehabilitation center for his drinking and in that time my mother and I moved across town after making it clear that my mother didn't want to deal with him anymore. We moved because we knew he wouldn't go through with it and would just check himself out. And guess what? He did. He found us and showed up at our new flat absolutely furious and he started throwing things, and throwing things at us, and actually started hitting us so my mother hit him in the back of a head with a frying pan and he passed out. Then she packed our stuff, we got in the car, and drove here all in one sitting the very next day." 

"Well why didn't you tell me that?" Louis asked.

"Because I don't like talking about myself!" Harry burst out angrily and looked at Louis scornfully. 

"Well don't like feeling like I'm the only one still struggling!" Louis yelled back. "You think I need to work on my anger? Well you need to work on talking! I want you to talk to me about these things! Things you just keep to yourself!" He hollered out. 

They probably shouldn't have been yelling, for all they knew everyone could hear them and were listening to them. No one dare intervene, though, because for all they knew this was stuff they needed to get out of their systems. 

"I keep them to myself for a reason!" Harry shouted back. 

"Oh yeah, and what is that reason?" Louis asked lowering his shrill tone. 

"Because I don't want to talk about them nor do I need to talk about them." Harry said curtly and turned his attention to the wall from Louis. 

"Well guess what, Harry." Louis said with asperity. "You're going to be talking about things you don't want to for the rest of your life. Might as well start now."

"Nope." Harry shook his head stubbornly, staring at the wall.

"You are so fucking stubborn." Louis said shaking his head. "I want you to talk to me, not listen." 

"I talk to you all the time." Harry retorted rolling his eyes. 

"I mean actually talk." Louis stated. "Talk about your father for once, talk about why you might be feeling down lately, talk about what sparked your eating disorder for gods sake!" He rose his voice again. 

"Not everyone is as open as others!" Harry hollered back.

"Then open yourself up!" Louis yelled angrily. "Open up to me!" 

"Why do you care if I open up to you or not?" Harry shouted back. Their throats were beginning to hurt from how much they were screaming at each other. Screaming matches never ended well. 

"Because I want us to be close!" Louis shrieked. "I want us to both talk about these things! I want us to be comfortable talking about these things! I've opened up to you in so many ways, can you at least return the gesture?" 

"It's not a gesture that has to be returned!" Harry exclaimed.

"Well it should be!" Louis stomped his foot. "Why isn't it? Shouldn't it be a two way thing? Why would one person open up to another and the other just not?" He asked and Harry crossed his arms, rolling his eyes. 

"Because there isn't some written agreement that says if someone opens up to another then that person has to open up as well! No one asked you to open up to me!" He practically screamed. 

"I'm sorry I thought you actually cared!" Louis shot back furiously. 

"I do care!" Harry yelled. "But I don't think it should matter if I open up to you or not!" 

"Then who the fuck are you going to open up to?" Louis exclaimed angrily and Harry rolled his eyes.

"Do I even have to? That's a decision for me to make. It isn't a given." He shot back sternly. 

"Well if you think we're going to work out at all when you refuse to open up and talk to me then you are sadly mistaken." Louis said sternly. 

"Oh my goodness, this is so ridiculous. I have told you plenty of things I would never tell anyone." Harry said after scoffing and shaking his head. 

"What's ridiculous is the fact that you don't want to open up to me about everything you would never tell anyone!"

"Why do you even care?" Harry interrupted and Louis gawked at him. 

"Are you kidding me? Are you seriously asking me that?" He asked scoffing. "Oh my god, have you even been fucking listening!" He shouted. 

"Yes I have!" Harry shouted back.

"No you haven't if you're fucking asking me why I fucking care!" Louis yelled. He uncrossed his arms and shook his head. "You know what, I am fucking done with this conversation." He said moving towards the bed and reached out for his book. He picked it up and brushed past Harry, to the door. 

"You really want to leave things like this?" Harry asked turning around to him and Louis paused with his hand on the door handle.

"Are things even going anywhere?" He asked calmly keeping his back to Harry. Harry didn't say anything and Louis just opened the door and left.


	36. Chapter 36

When Louis walked back into the dayroom it was completely empty. He didn't even feel like reading, but he plopped down on the couch and curled up with his book. He hated fighting in general and he most certainly hated fighting with Harry. 

He lost track of where he was in his book and placed his head between his knees to hide the fact that tears were running down his cheeks now. He hugged his legs loosely and just sat there like that. 

He heard soft footsteps walk into the dayroom and he took a deep breath. There was a soft tap on his shoulder and he lifted up his head, wiped his eyes and cheeks dry, the looked over his shoulder. 

Nurse Ingrid was standing there. In her hands was a small box of tissues. She held it out to him and Louis looked at it, then up at her, a little caught off guard by the gesture. Her stoic expression didn't match her sympathetic action. 

Louis took the box and she nodded kindly before turning around and walking out of the dayroom. 

By the time dinner came around Louis felt so physically and emotionally drained. He left his book on the couch, forgetting about it, and made his way over to the table where everyone was to sit. 

Of course, everyone sat in their original spots so Harry sat down right across from Louis. He looked just as drained as Louis did. His eyes were red and bleary. Throughout the whole meal Harry kept his head turned sharply to his right and Louis kept his head turned the other way. 

Louis just moved his food around with his fork instead of actually eating it. Harry was one of the first to finish and was out of the room in a flash. Louis continued to just push his food around as everyone else finished their plates until it was only Pip and Louis. 

Louis watched her closely as she pushed her full plate in front of him and moved into the seat across from him. 

"Fuck off." He mumbled staring down at his plate. 

"I didn't even say anything." Pip said leaning on the table edge with her elbow. 

"Then why did you sit down right across from me?" He snapped back still continuing to stare at his plate. 

"Look-"

"I don't want to hear it." Louis interrupted. "You've said enough already." He added looking up at her and smirking spitefully. 

"Just listen to me." She said softly. 

"Give me one good reason why I should listen to you." He retorted sitting back with his arms crossed. 

"Because I want to apologize." She said and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Not good enough." 

"C'mon, Louis." She urged solemnly. "Look, I'm sorry about what happened after lunch and when we were on the couch and all. I shouldn't of called you a cock sucking faggot or a worthless piece of shit or everything else I said." She apologized sincerely. "Surprisingly enough, I have an anger problem too." She joked lightly. Louis grit his teeth and looked at her sternly. 

"Well," He started and Pip smiled a little. "I guess I was being antagonistic by calling you Patricia and extending out my legs instead of pulling them in like you asked." He said calmly. "I'm sorry as well."

"So we're good now?" She asked. 

"For now." Louis said and she laughed. "I still can't stand you." He added looking away. 

"Well, I can't stand you either, but we'll both just have to persevere through." She joked smiling thinly. "So," She then continued making Louis roll his eyes. "You and Harry close?" 

"Apparently not, but I don't want to talk about that so if you'd please not ask me questions about it and all, I'd appreciate it." He said then took a deep breath. 

"We could hear you guys earlier." She stated. "Have you made up yet?" 

"What the hell did I just say?" Louis snapped angrily and Pip just held her hands up defensively. "We didn't even look at each other, what the bloody hell do you think?" 

"I think I just asked a simple question." Pip retorted flatly and Louis rolled his eyes.

"Make sure they're educated questions." Pip just sighed. 

"So," She said. "How old are you?" She asked curiously.

"Twenty." Louis answered stiffly.

"So then were you in uni before coming here?" She asked.

"No." 

"You didn't go?" 

"I didn't graduate high school, dumbass." Louis snapped and she pursed her lips together.

"Oh yeah, sorry. I forgot." She said shrugging. "So then what year would you have graduated?" 

"Last year." 

"When's your birthday?" 

"December 24th." He answered losing patience with all the questions. 

"So then you would've been 19 when you graduated?" She asked cocking her head to the side. 

"Yes." He grit his teeth. 

"So how old were you when you started school?" 

"Oh my goodness, my mum started me late, I went to kindergarten twice because I never went to pre-school. Can you stop the interrogation now?" He asked in annoyance.

"I was just curious." She said dismissively and glanced down at her plate before sighing. 

"Curiosity killed the cat." Louis mumbled.

"Satisfaction brought it back." Pip retorted. Louis looked at her, eyebrows furrowed almost questionably. She smiled and Louis exhaled, glancing back down at his own plate. He shoved a forkful of the casserole in his mouth and swallowed thickly, wanting to be done already so he wouldn't have to sit there with Pip anymore. "I'm, erm, like, sorry about asking if your parents were proud about you and all. Like, especially that. It was completely uncalled for, I have no idea what you've gone throug-"

"Macy and Morgan talk to you?" He cut in staring down at his plate. Pip sighed before nodding. 

"I mean, they didn't say much, just that your father was especially...harsh about you coming out." Louis nodded. "At least they don't try to tell you you're just making it up for attention." She added with a small smile in hopes of lightening the mood. 

"You're right, instead he just hit me and forced me to go to a church group to make me straight." He replied sarcastically and Pip pressed her lips together. 

"My parents don't believe bisexuality is a real sexuality." She stated. "They think it's...if I have a boyfriend I'm straight, but if I have a girlfriend then I'm gay. It doesn't seem to register in their minds that you can be attracted to both at the same time. They think I'm just desperate and seeking attention." 

"That sucks." She nodded. 

"Can't be as bad as your predicament." 

"That doesn't invalidate your feelings." Pip smiled a little. 

"Thanks." 

Ten minutes later Louis was done, Pip was not, and he headed reluctantly back to his room. Harry was on his bed with his nose in a book. Louis looked away and went straight to the bathroom. He used it, washed his hands, then walked out into the room again with the intention of reading. But he remember he left his book in the dayroom on the couch and he was just too tired to go out and grab it. He'd get it tomorrow. 

So instead, he climbed on top of his bed, crawled under the blanket, and laid down. Lord knows he needed it. He actually ended up falling asleep for about an hour and a half and woke up at 8:45 just in time to see Harry exit the bathroom from taking a shower. 

He didn't even look his way making Louis bite his cheek and turn back over into his pillow. He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep again, but couldn't.

He tossed and turned for hours. Even long after Harry fell asleep he was still wide awake. He sighed in defeat, rolling on his back, and exhaling deeply. The room seemed darker than usual, as if the moon wasn't shining as bright as it always did. 

Louis groaned softly and rubbed his tired eyes.   
He felt exhausted, why couldn't he fall asleep? He heard Harry move then stand up. He closed his eyes and listened closely when Harry went into the bathroom. 

He was relieved when Harry went to bathroom and left with no gagging or the sounds of vomiting. He shouldn't have to worry about Harry inducing vomiting again, but then again he thought he wouldn't have to worry about it after the first time, but it still happened a second time. 

Harry stepped out of the bathroom and Louis tried to make it seem like he was asleep and had been asleep. Harry walked to his bed and sat down on the edge. 

"I know you're awake." Louis sighed and rolled his eyes.

"So?" He retorted and Harry's bed creaked as he sat up on it with his legs crossed, facing Louis who was still on his back staring at the ceiling. 

"So. . .I'm sorry." Harry said softly.

"Okay." Louis deadpanned and Harry's expression hardened a little. 

"Can we talk about this or something?" He asked.

"Talk about what? Because I think everything that's needed to be said has been said." 

"Well, some of things I said didn't, like, sound how I meant for them to sound." He said rubbing the back of his back. "Like, when I said I didn't care, I meant that, like, I didn't really care about what Pip said to make you swing at her, but I do care that she said that. I mean, obviously I'm going to care if someone's saying that to you. I'm not making much sense, but I do actually care about you and all." He bit on the inside of his cheek and took his bottom lip between his thumb and forefinger. 

"Okay." Louis responded monotonously and Harry grit his teeth. 

"Whatever, if you want to be this way, then fine. Goodnight." He uncrossed his legs and moved back on his bed. 

"Wait," Louis said sitting up and Harry paused. He looked at him and Louis took a deep breath. "I'm sorry." 

"I'm sorry too." Louis inhaled softly, looking down at his blanketed lap. 

"I'm sorry I punched you also." He added. 

"It's okay." Harry said with a small smile. "I'm sorry for making it sound like I didn't care about you or anything." 

"So we're good then?" Louis asked softly and Harry nodded. 

"We're good." 

"Honestly?" 

"Honestly." Harry smiled. 

"But I was serious about you working on talking and all." Louis added seriously and Harry chuckled. 

"I know."

"And I'll work on my anger management." Louis said and Harry smiled. They both felt fifty pounds lighter, in the good way. The tension was lifted and his heart was no longer heavy with regret. 

"And we'll both do it together." Harry smiled at him. "Can I. . .?" He asked gesturing from him over to Louis's bed.

"I'd be upset if you didn't." Louis admitted softly. Harry stood up and walked over to Louis's bed. Louis scooted over and pulled the blanket back as he climbed in under next to him. 

They both laid down, turning on their sides so they faced each other. Louis smiled. 

"I hate fighting with you." Harry whispered and Louis pursed his lips together. 

"It's inevitable, but I hate it too." He said and Harry nodded. He leaned in slowly and kissed Louis softly. They both truly hated fighting, but fighting was inevitable so as long as there was always a make up they were okay. 

Louis smiled into the kiss then they both pulled apart slowly, touching their foreheads together. 

"I love you." Harry whispered subconsciously. Louis froze and Harry froze as well, trying to register what he had just let slip out of his mouth. 

"I-I. . .," Louis stammered, rendered speechless and Harry just looked at him intently. "I don't know what to say." He said meekly. "Thanks?" He whispered unsurely and Harry just looked down solemnly. "Harry, I mean-"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that." He cut in softly. 

"You didn't mean it?" Louis asked softly and Harry took a deep breath. 

"I meant it, I didn't mean to say it." He affirmed. Louis's stomach was in knots now and his heart was pounding. 

"I don't know what to say," He said quietly. 

"I understand." Harry mumbled solemnly.

"No, you don't, let me explain." Louis bit his lip. "I-I just. . .I don't know." He said running his fingers through his hair. "I like you, I really do," He started. "But I mean, I don't know if I love you yet, I don't even know what love is!" He exclaimed. "I don't even love myself, how can I love another person?" He said rubbing the back of his neck. "But I really do like you a lot and I don't want this to change anything, honestly." He couldn't stress it enough how much he wanted things to stay the same and the fact that Harry said he loved him delighted him. 

"Okay." Harry said softly. 

"I'm serious, Haz." Harry nodded. 

"I know." 

"Harry." 

"What?" Louis leaned in, pressing his hand softly to Harry's cheek, and kissed him sweetly. Harry reached up and placed his hand overtop Louis's, kissing him back softly. "I'm glad we smoothed this over." He whispered. 

"Me too." Harry said softly. Louis stared at him then sighed contently. 

"How are you feeling?" 

"Embarrassed." Louis laughed softly.

"Please don't." Harry managed a small, but weak smile. For some unbeknownst reason he felt like he wanted to burst into tears. Maybe it was because he was more embarrassed than he thought he was, or maybe it was because it had been such an emotionally draining day that crying was just something he had to do. 

Louis noticed the way his eyes wavered and his chin quivered. He leaned in and gave him another gentle kiss. 

"Now you're just spoiling me." Harry joked softly and Louis laughed happily. 

"Princes deserve to be spoiled." He teased making Harry smile. 

"So I'm a prince now?" Louis nodded. "I don't think princes suffer, though." 

"You've always been a prince, you just lost your crown for a little." 

"Yeah, well, you never had a crown, but you've always had a halo." Louis smiled at him, his heart just swelling with affection. He moved so he was cuddled into his side. Just as it always was Louis had his head on Harry's chest and his arm around his torso while Harry wrapped his arm around him tightly. 

"You're beautiful." Louis randomly blurted out making Harry laugh. 

"I am?"

"Don't sound so skeptical, just because I said you're beautiful doesn't mean I'm automatically talking about your body." Harry smiled. "Although I was." Louis admitted sheepishly. "Well, technically, I guess. I was talking about you as a whole. You, as a whole, are beautiful." 

"I thought you had a beautiful mind when I first met you. Now you're just beautiful altogether." Louis felt himself blush. 

"This is enough sweetness for one night." He said making Harry smile and laugh. He kissed the top of his head softly. "Good night." Louis whispered sweetly. 

"Sleep tight." 

"Don't let the bed bugs suck your blood." He teased and Harry rolled his eyes in amusement. 

"And I'm the dork." He murmured. 

"You are the dork." 

"Yeah, okay." Harry said patting his arm gently. "Whatever helps you sleep at night." 

"You help me sleep at night." Louis said tightening his arm around his waist, nestling cozily into his side. Harry smiled at him kindly and they both cuddled under the blanket. 

Things were fine now at the least, but the anticipation for the next downfall was heavy in both their hearts.


	37. Chapter 37

Waking in the morning, they both felt replenished. Louis was happy to know they were no longer fighting and even happier about the fact that Harry told him he loved him. He just hoped he didn't discourage Harry by not returning the gesture. 

Yes, he liked Harry very much. He made him feel like a completely different person, but he didn't know if he loved him yet. It had only been almost, if not already, five months. He didn't even know what love was! Sure he loved cheerleading, but did he really love another person? Harry? 

Only time would tell. 

They both awoke around the same time of 7:53 and greeted each other with a good morning. Louis pulled the blanket over his face trying to block out the light. 

"I'm too tired to get up." He whined and Harry just laughed. Louis pulled the blanket back down to his waist and rolled back onto his pillow. 

"I'm too tired to even sit up." Harry said and Louis chuckled lightly, nudging him in the arm gently. 

"Lazy." Harry smiled and pushed himself up into a sitting position. He smirked down at Louis smugly and Louis just rolled his eyes scoffing. 

"Oh please, I can sit up too." He sat up beside Harry and smiled smugly. 

"Well I better give you a gold star right now for being able to sit up." He teased sarcastically and Louis slugged him in the arm. 

"Shut up," Harry just smiled and stood up, yawning through a stretch and cracked his stiff knuckles. 

"Oh, I better give you a gold star right now for being able to stand up." Louis mocked getting out of the bed as well. He liked this, when they joked and teased each other. Not when the tension was so overbearing due to a stupid argument they shouldn't have even been having in the first place. 

With content smiles they walked out to the dayroom where about half the girls were already sitting and talking to pass the time. Macy watched them suspiciously as they sat down across from each other. 

"I see you two made up." She remarked and they shared shy smiles, glancing at each other from across the table. 

"Yes." Harry said and Louis nodded. 

"So alls fair in the kingdom?" Morgan teased. 

"Shut up," Louis rolled his eyes, but smiled a little bigger. 

"Hey, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone." She said flipping her hair over her shoulder and they all looked at her. Annabel walked into the room and took her seat which was usually on the opposite end of the table and greeted Claire and Jhanvi. 

"Oh yeah, you're leaving today?" Harry asked and she nodded eagerly. 

"Yeah! My parents are coming to get me at ten. I'm so excited!" She gushed. "And a little nervous. I mean, coming here put my whole life on hold it seems and now I have to pick up where I left off." 

"Well, if you can get through this you can get through anything." Eleanor chimed in and Morgan smiled sincerely. 

"Thanks," She said sweetly. 

"You will be dearly missed." Louis joked and she stuck her tongue out at him.

"I'm not dead." She said and he chuckled. 

"Fine then, you won't be dearly missed." He retorted and she laughed. They talked idly until the plates were brought out. Breakfast was alright, Louis still detested the food because it was absolutely disgusting, but he was actually eating it without a problem and only a few hesitations every now and then. 

Afterwards he picked up his book on his way out and sat in his bed reading until group therapy. He was so close to finishing his book though, he didn't want to go to group therapy! 

"Seriously, I have, like, ten pages left. Can't I just finish them now then go to group therapy?" He ranted to Harry.

"When I was reading Relic for the first time I just at the part where the grand opening was takin place and they found the dead officer and then my mum took it away and made me start studying, but instead of studying I tried getting my book back, so she hid it from me and lost it." Harry said and Louis gawked up at him. 

"She lost it? How did she lose it if she hid it herself?" 

"I don't know!" Harry exclaimed animatedly. "She went to grab it and couldn't find it! I was so mad." 

"Did she ever find it?" Louis asked. 

"Eventually, after the school semester had ended." Louis laughed. They walked into the dayroom where Morgan was standing with her parents in background hugging Eleanor. 

"I'm going to miss you guys." She weeped stepping back. 

"I'm going to miss you the most." Macy said stepping forward and giving her a tight hug. 

"You better text me once you're out as well or I will find you on my own and wring your neck."   
Morgan teased and they both laughed happily. They stepped back and she turned to Harry and Louis. "Oh, don't worry, you two will get a hug too." She teased walking over to them. 

Harry smiled and opened his arms. Morgan walked into his arms and hugged him tightly. Her head barely reached over his shoulder. 

"Have fun out there and stay safe." He teased making her laugh. She stepped back. 

"I'll try." She said stepping in front of Louis. "Oh boy, I sure am going to miss you." She smiled humbly.

"People usually do, I'm not easily forgotten." He joked and she laughed lightly. She stepped closer and hugged him closely. 

"I'm not surprised." She teased stepping back. Louis just smiled and Morgan took a deep breath, taking small steps towards the door where her parents were standing. "Well, see you guys." She said with a small wave. Everyone waved and said soft goodbyes before she walked out of the room with her parents. 

Everyone sat back down in their chairs and Louis and Harry took their seats. 

"Well, shall we get started?" 

-

"What's your first name?" Louis asked Dr. Wentz. He didn't actually think they were going to go through with one-on-one therapy sessions, but they did. He was glad that he got to have his with Dr. Wentz, not that he wasn't already used to having meetings with him. He felt bad for Harry, though. He was stuck with Dr. Bindle. 

"Why do you want to know that?" Dr. Wentz asked peculiarly and Louis just shrugged in his chair. 

"You know mine." Dr. Wentz chuckled. 

"It's Orville." He said and Louis snickered causing Dr. Wentz to give him a reprimanding glance. 

"Seriously? I didn't even know Orville was a name. Isn't that the name of a popcorn company?" He asked laughing and Dr. Wentz nodded. 

"There are lots of people named Orville." He justified and Louis just laughed again. 

"Okay, Orville." He teased and Dr. Wentz clicked his tongue. 

"Don't call me by my first name, it's disrespectful." 

"I know, I was just joking." Louis said. "I do have some manners, believe it or not." 

"Oh, really?" Dr. Wentz asked sarcastically and Louis nodded with a pursed smirk. "Who would've guessed." He teased and Louis crossed his arms, inhaling deeply. 

"Not you." Dr. Wentz smiled and laughed lightly. 

"So-"

"Do, or did, you have any nicknames?" Louis asked. 

"Well, in school I went by Christopher." He said simply and Louis cocked his eyebrow. "My middle name." He added to clarify.

"Hm," Louis hummed. "Orville Christopher Wentz, interesting combination of names." 

"Yes, well, why don't we switch topics and talk about what we should talking about." Dr. Wentz said and Louis huffed, pouting. He slumped over his chair to show reluctance and sighed loudly.

"We always talk about either boring stuff or stuff I don't want to talk about." 

"Well that's why you're here, isn't it?" Dr. Wentz asked leaning back in his leather chair comfortably. His hands were folded together around his knee which was crossed over his other leg. "To talk about these things you don't want or like talking about." 

"I thought it was to torture me." Louis mumbled sarcastically and Dr. Wentz chuckled deeply. 

"That too." He joked and Louis pursed his lips together in a thin smile. Louis folded his legs, sitting up crisscrossed in his little chair and took a deep breath. 

"Can't we talk about something fun or interesting?" He asked lackadaisically and Dr. Went rose his eyebrow at him. 

"You want to talk about something fun and interesting with me?" He asked in amusement. Louis shrugged. 

"I don't know. I kinda have to be in here with you, why waste the time with something boring and depressing?" 

"Because you're in here to waste your time talking about something boring and depressing." Dr. Wentz said stoically and Louis rolled his eyes. "You're here to talk through the things you've kept to yourself, and how to work on controlling your anger, and ways to make yourself healthy again and actually keep yourself healthy and confident. It might not be fun to talk about, but it is what it is."

"Well I'm tired of talking about the same old stuff everyday." Louis huffed crossing his arms.   
"It's always the same old shit, but a different day." He said with a smug little smirk. 

"Talking about one problem just once isn't going to solve it like that. It takes time." 

"Well it gets tiring." 

"That means it's working." He joked and Louis rolled his eyes, cracking a small smile in amusement. Thinking back to how he felt about Dr. Bindle and Dr. Wentz when he first came here, he strongly disliked them. Even though he still had a strong disliking towards Dr. Bindle, he had actually grown quite fond of Dr. Wentz. 

"No, that means it's tiresome." He stated and Dr. Wentz chuckled.

"Okay then," He said and clasping his hands together. "What would you like to talk about?"

"I don't know. . .what's your favorite color?" Louis asked and Dr. Wentz laughed. 

"I'd have to say orange is my favorite color, what about you?" He asked.

"Mines green." 

"Why?" Dr. Wentz asked and Louis just shrugged. 

"It's a pretty color, it's calming to look at?" He said questionably. "Why is orange your favorite?" He asked in return. 

"I don't know, I just always thought it was a nice color." Dr. Wentz said and Louis smiled. 

"What made you want to do a job like this?" He then asked cocking his head to the side inquisitively. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Like, what made you decide you wanted to become a doctor and work with eating disorders?" He asked seriously. 

"Well, one time in seventh grade we had to write a compare and contrast paper and on the list of topics there was comparing and contrasting of anorexia and bulimia and I picked it because I thought it sounded interesting. After that my interest had been kind of piqued by eating disorders. Then in high school, 10th grade, we had to write a research paper and I choose my topic to be eating disorders because they really are fascinating, as unfortunate as they are. And again in 12th we had the option of writing a persuasive essay or a research paper. I choose research and my topic was eating disorders again." He explained. "When I went to uni I had initially wanted to become a medical doctor, but I soon changed that and realized I wanted to work with, you know, people who suffer from eating disorders and be able help them professionally. So here I am." He smiled proudly and Louis nodded, impressed. 

"That's interesting." 

"If you say so," Dr. Wentz said. "Any idea on what you want to be or do?" Louis just shrugged.

"I've always wanted to be an art teacher." He answered flatly. 

"You like art?" Dr. Wentz asked curiously. 

"No, I want to spend my life teaching something I hate." Louis said sarcastically. Dr. Wentz laughed and Louis smiled bittersweetly. 

"Isn't that what half the people in this world are doing with their lives?" He asked jokingly and Louis tried not to laugh, but failed. 

"What does your wife do?" 

"She's a secretary at a law firm." Dr. Wentz said with a small nod and Louis nodded back. He already knew that though. 

"Nice." 

"What does your mother do?" 

"She's a social worker." 

"What about your stepdad, Dean?" Dr. Wentz asked and Louis sneered. 

"I have no idea and, quite frankly, I don't care." He said curtly and looked down at the floor. 

"Why not?" Dr. Wentz asked.

"Because I don't care about him." 

"Why not?" 

"Okay, new topic." Louis announced clapping his hands together. 

"No, why don't we talk about this one for a bit?" Dr. Wentz said and Louis shook his head. "Well it wasn't a question." 

"We've already talked about this." Louis whined. 

"No we haven't." Dr. Wentz insisted and Louis just groaned loudly. 

"Yes, we have. I remember you asking me if I held any of the resentment towards my dad against him as well." He said in annoyance and Dr. Wentz just smiled thinly. 

"Well I'm not remembering it, so why don't we just refresh our minds here, for a moment." He said and Louis rolled his eyes. "When did your mum first start seeing him?" 

"I don't know, it was shortly after my father left. Well, not really shortly, but it felt short." He said with a sigh. 

"How did you feel?" 

"I don't know," 

"You have no idea?" He repeated and Louis groaned. 

"I don't know, I didn't really care. I didn't actually expect them to stay together or anything." He exclaimed. 

"So were you surprised when they got engaged?" Dr. Wentz asked. He was sitting forward now, with his arms resting against the edge of his desk. 

"Kind of." 

"Did it upset you? 

"Kind of." 

"Kind of?" He repeated. 

"Yes, kind of." Louis repeated back annoyed. 

"Why were you upset? Obviously he makes your mother happy enough to marry him-"

"Oh please, they were barely dating before they got engaged. I feel like they got engaged too quickly. I mean, I don't actually know how long they were dating and all, but it was only, like, six moths, give or take, I think." He said sternly. "And I know some people get engaged and married even earlier than that, but still! I mean, based on the previous situation it just seemed like it was all going too fast." 

"Maybe it was going too fast for you?" Dr. Wentz suggested and Louis rolled his eyes, gritting his teeth. 

"Or maybe it was actually going to fast." He retorted snottily and Dr. Wentz licked his lips. 

"What are you afraid of happening if things were going to fast?" He asked.

"Um, how about the marriage not working out? They end up getting a divorce?" Louis stated matter-of-fact.

"Well, that's life." Dr. Wentz said with a shrug. 

"Well it shouldn't be." Louis rose his voice slightly. "Since when is life getting married and divorcing? Why is divorce even a thing? Aren't people supposed to honor their vows? Marriage used to be this really special thing where people commit to be with each other for the rest of their lives, but with a 50% divorce rate marriage means nothing now!" He exclaimed. 

"Well some people just don't work that well together in the long run and others run into problems such as infidelity." Dr. Wentz suggested. 

"Which is totally ignorant." Louis snapped. "People in this world are so ignorant and their normalize things such as infidelity and divorce. Why is it so common to hear about people getting a divorce or a spouse being unfaithful? I mean, honestly, this world sucks." 

"What exactly are you getting so mad about?" Dr. Wentz asked in amusement. 

"I don't know, I'm just getting mad. There's so much shit in this world and it pisses me off. Why can't everything just be perfect? Life would be so much easier." 

"If life was perfect what kind of life would you be living?" 

"A happy one." Louis said. "An easy one?" He questioned. 

"Okay, well, okay-"

"You already said okay." Louis said and Dr. Wentz smiled. 

"Why does it matter to you about all that other stuff going on the world?" He asked "Why does the fact that people getting divorced is common nowadays make you. . .angry?" 

"I don't know, it just does." 

"Is it because your parents got divorced?" Dr. Wentz asked.

"I don't even know if they got divorced, my dad just left on the account of my mother asking him to as it turns out. I think they did, but still." 

"Well, every couple is different. Have you-"

"I'm done talking about this now." Louis interrupted. "Can we talk about something different or is it time for me to leave yet?" 

"It isn't time yet, but what I was going to say was, going to back to your previous statement about your mother engaging and marrying too quickly, did you ever try and talk to her to let her know how you were feeling?" He asked. 

"No." 

"Why not?" 

"I wasn't exactly eager to talk to her." He stated. 

"Why not?" 

"I don't know. Well first of all she did, like, nothing throughout the whole period of time where my dad was ignoring me, yelling at me, hitting me, and forcing me to that stupid Mormon group." He said lowering his voice. 

"So do you hold a little bit of your anger against your mother for that?" Dr. Wentz asked softly. 

"I guess." Louis admitted. "I mean, it would've been nice if she would've of stuck up for me or something. It made me feel like she was on his side when she didn't do anything." He added quietly. 

"Maybe that's something you need to talk to her about." Louis scoffed. 

"Yeah, like I'd ever go through with that." He laughed. 

"And why not?"

"Well talking isn't exactly my thing." He joked lightly and Dr. Wentz cracked a smile. He glanced at the clock, seeing it was already 3:05. His little session ended at 3. "Oh, look at that, I can leave now." He said jumping up and moved quickly over to the door. 

"Louis, we're in the middle of a conversation." 

"Well, hold that thought and we can talk about it tomorrow." Louis said walking out the door. He closed it behind him and hurried back to his room. That was a very strenuous session and he was glad it was over. 

He hated talking about his family. 

He went back to his room and realized he had nothing to do or read since he finished Wheel of Darkness after group therapy and Harry wasn't there. So he went into the dayroom where a few of the girls were watching tv and Harry and Macy were sitting at a little round table by the window playing cards. 

He joined them for a bit until dinner rolled around and they moved back over to the other longer table to eat. Afterwards, Louis went back to the room to take a shower and Harry retrieved some of his laundry from the dryer he had thrown in earlier. 

After Louis finished his shower Harry took one, then soon it was 11:00 o'clock and they were both lying in bed together half awake. 

"So did you like Wheel of Darkness?" Harry asked him. They were both turned on their sides, facing each other with their hands tucked between their pillows and cheeks, but Louis had one of his legs slotted between Harry's cozily so their legs were intertwined.

"It was pretty good." He said. "Not as good as Relic, but definitely good." Harry smiled. "How do you have so many books here?" 

"I brought a lot." He said. "And my mother brought some when she's stopped by before." 

"Oh yeah, I remember meeting your mum and she had brought some for you." Louis said quietly. The moon was washing Harry's face in a beautiful shade of gray, much like it did most nights. "She was nice." 

"Just wait until I haven't washed the dishes or taken out the garbage, then she's not so nice." Harry joked and they both laughed softly. 

"Same." Louis said. "When I was 13 my mum took away my phone for two weeks just because I forgot to clean my bathroom." 

"Ooh, that's harsh." Harry teased and Louis smiled at him. 

"I don't even know why she cares if my bathroom was clean or not, it's not like she was the one using it or anything." He added and Harry laughed lightly.  

"Mums are weird sometimes." He joked.

"Tell me about it." Louis yawned and blinked slowly. His eyelids felt heavy. 

"You look sleepy." Harry remarked with a fond little smile and Louis nodded, blinking again and letting his eyes just linger closed for a second. "You look adorable when you're sleepy." 

"Thanks,"

"Goodnight sleepy head." Harry teased softly and Louis grinned lazily. Harry scooted a little closer to him, not that there was much space to cover, and cuddled next to him. Louis closed his eyes and with fatigue swaying them both, they fell asleep soundly.


	38. Chapter 38

It was 2 o'clock and Louis was sound asleep whereas Harry was wide awake. The moon seemed almost as bright as the sun and he felt like he was perspiring even. He wiped the back of his wrist across his forehead. 

He turned from his back on his side and tried to get comfortable, but such a thing seemed impossible to achieve now. He wasn't feeling repressive, but nervous. He had to talk to Louis because he too would be discharged within the next week. He was actually leaving! 

He wasn't sure how he felt about it. He wasn't even sure if he felt ready to leave! What if he relapsed? What if he ended up having to go back in? Leaving was a constant game of what if and in every scenario he was losing. 

"Harry," Louis spoke up and Harry jumped at the sudden sound of his voice. 

"You're awake?" He asked and Louis opened his eyes, nodding. 

"You've been tossing and turning for the past hour and a half it seems and you're breathing really loudly." He said with a small amused smile. "Is something wrong?" He asked solemnly and Harry shook his head. 

"Nope," Louis rose a skeptical eyebrow. "I just, well, want to talk to you about something." He said and Louis sat up a bit, propping up slightly on his forearm so he was looking down at Harry. 

"Talk about what?" He asked suspiciously. 

"Well, uh, you know how Morgan was discharged today?" Harry asked and Louis's heart jumped to his throat. 

"Yeah," Harry swallowed thickly. 

"Well, I'm probably going to be discharged as well sometime next week." He said and Louis just blinked down at him blankly. 

"Well that's good, right?" He asked softly. 

"I-I guess," Harry said and Louis laid back down on his side. "But I mean, I don't know, am I really ready for that? I don't feel like I am, but what if I never feel ready? What if I relapse and have to be re-admitted?" He asked worriedly. "What if my entire life I'm constantly going back and forth from hospital to home to relapsing back to the hospital? I don't even know if I'm content with my body yet!" 

"You aren't going to spend the rest of your life going back and forth between home and hospitals." Louis told him softly. 

"But what if I do? What if I'm just going to be struggling with anorexia my entire life? Gosh, I'd probably kill myself before it killed me."

"Hey," Louis said sternly, but calmly. "Don't say things like that. You're going to be fine, don't psych yourself out." 

"But what if something like that happens? It is a possibility." Harry retorted. Louis reached out and placed his hand on Harry's chest, rubbing his palm against it gently. Harry turned his head and looked at him. He placed his hand overtop Louis's softly. 

"It's a very, very small and slim possibility. Don't worry about it." 

"What if I relapse, though?" He asked quietly. 

"It's okay to relapse." Louis said. "Don't you remember when we talked about that in group therapy?" Harry scoffed.

"You think I actually listen? I daydream most of the time." Louis smiled and Harry smiled back. 

"What do you daydream about?" Harry flushed. 

"Just...random things. I daydream about going to uni, about you, about random situations I just make up in my head...," He trailed off and Louis smiled at the mention of himself. 

"Well you should probably start listening." He teased and Harry nodded. "Did you hear Dr. Wentz's analogies? I mean, leaving is like riding a bike. You don't just ride a two-wheeler perfectly the first time, you fall down a few times." He said. "I mean, I'm terrified of relapsing and all too, but. . .," His voice trailed off and he didn't finish his sentence. 

"But I don't want to leave and live with the constant fear of relapsing or falling back into my old habits." 

"You won't." Harry narrowed his eyes patronizingly. 

"Would you listen to your own advice?" He asked flatly and Louis pursed his lips together apprehensively. 

"Maybe." 

"That's not a good enough answer." Harry said and Louis rolled his eyes lightly. "It's easier said than done."

"And some things are easier done than said." Louis shrugged. Harry squeezed his hand and smiled at him. 

"Such as?" Louis was quiet as Harry waited patiently for an answer. 

"So, when you'd find out you'd be getting discharged?" He asked and Harry smiled. 

"When I got weighed last Friday." He answered. "Damien said I'd probably be ready to leave within a week or so and then Dr. Bindle mentioned it as well. Said he and Dr. Wentz and Fairchild all agreed I'd be ready." 

"Do you feel ready?" Harry held his breath. 

"Kind of." He sighed. "Like, I feel ready I guess, but at the same time I feel like I'm not and that I never will be." Louis tapped his fingertips against Harry's chest softly and Harry squeezed his hand again for reassurance.

"I'm sure you're ready." Louis said. "You've always seemed ready." 

"I've also seemed healthy and happy but we both see how well that turned out." He retorted and Louis exhaled deeply. 

"Harry, I know you're probably scared, but don't worry because I'm scared as well." He said. "I know that probably doesn't help, but maybe it helps to know you're not alone." Harry smiled at him and Louis returned the smile kindly. "And you won't ever be alone." He added quietly. He leaned in and kissed him sweetly, making both their smiles widen. 

"I assume you'll be leaving soon then too." He remarked and Louis smiled thinly, nodding. 

"Hopefully." 

"I remember when I first saw you. You were so thin." Harry remarked solemnly and Louis licked his lips.

"You were too. I remember thinking I could probably wrap my fist around your collar bone if I wanted." He joked and Harry chuckled making Louis smile again. "Now I can barely wrap my fist around your bicep." He joked moving his hand from Harry's chest and wrapped it around his arm. 

"Just wait until I can actually go to a real gym with better equipment." He teased and Louis blushed pink, but his blush was washed out by the moonlight thankfully. 

"You're making me excited to leave now." He joked and Harry laughed lightly. 

"Good." Louis grinned at him and Harry pinched his side playfully making him burst into a fit of giggles, pushing his hand away. 

"Don't do that!" He squealed and Harry laughed heartily as well. They both settled down, breathing deeply. "I'm tired," Louis mumbled turning into Harry's side, wrapping his arms around his waist. Harry grinned contently and wrapped his arm around him tightly. Louis closed his eyes and pressed his cheek against his chest. 

"It is almost 3 a.m." Harry whispered. 

"Think you'll be able to fall asleep now?" Louis teased and Harry nodded. 

"Goodnight sweetie," He pressed a kiss to the top of Louis's head and Louis's heart fluttered at the word "sweetie". 

It was so sweet. 

-

Now, last night hearing Harry tell him he would be leaving next week didn't seem like a big deal. But the next morning he realized that Harry leaving meant that Harry would be gone and Louis would still be stuck in the EDU by himself. Well, not by himself, but by himself. 

Of course he was elated that Harry was finally considered healthy enough and stable enough to leave, but he was going to miss him. He wished they could be leaving together or something. How long until he could leave? He was in his healthy weight zone, but leaving was so much more than being in the healthy zone. Even though he was in the zone, he still had other stuff he'd have to work through before he could leave or be discharged. 

At breakfast he was a little slower to finish. It was just him, Pip, and Jhanvi still sitting at the table, but Pip was talking with Jhanvi on the opposite end of the table from him. Harry had gone back to the room and Macy walked back into the dayroom, watching Louis carefully. 

She walked over and sat down in front of him. 

"Is everything okay?" She asked pensively and Louis nodded.

"I'm fine." 

"Are you sure? You seem kind of somber." She remarked. 

"I don't know," He answered with a shrug. Macy ran her fingers through her hair and cocked her head to the side, giving him a dubious stare. "Well, Harry told me that sometime next week he'd be discharged." Macy's face lit up. 

"Seriously? Oh my goodness, that's amazing!" She gushed and Louis nodded solemnly. He poked his fork at his eggs then just placed it down on the edge of his plate and sighed lackadaisically. 

"Yeah." Macy pursed her lips together apprehensively.

"Are you upset that he's leaving?" 

"No, I'm not upset. I'm just. . .I don't know, worried I guess? What if he just forgets about me or finds someone else he likes better while I'm still in here?" He asked quietly hoping no one would overhear. 

"Oh, Louis, you're worrying about nothing!" She exclaimed and Louis rolled his eyes. "I know it's an inevitable doubt to have, but Harry is so crazy about you, don't worry about it." 

"I know, but still. I just keep playing all these different scenarios in my head that could happen and it makes me even more doubtful." He admitted softly and looked down at the table self consciously. 

"Louis, he loves you." Louis physically flinched. 

"Don't say that." He warned rubbing the back of his neck. 

"Is there something wrong with that?" Macy asked flatly and Louis shook his head. 

"No, in fact it made me really happy when he told me that, but I just. . .how's he even supposed to know if he loves me? We've only known each other for, like, five months almost and it's been in a hospital."

"And you guys are, like, closer than a couple that's been married for twenty years." Macy added. 

"What if he realizes he actually doesn't love me? Love is a hard concept to fully grasp and understand when we're only 19 and 20. Infatuation is easily mistaken for love." Macy bit the inside of her cheek. 

"And if people are lucky enough they can grasp it at that age." She said. "I mean, my mums friend met her husband in their 10th year, they were younger than you." 

"That doesn't mean anything." Louis retorted and Macy rolled her eyes. She rested her elbow on the edge of the table and placed her chin in the palm of her hand. 

"You know Harry, he's not one to really express how he's feeling-"

"Oh please, he's such a sap." Louis interrupted with a small smile and Macy laughed lightly. 

"How so?" She teased.

"Doesn't matter." He said smiling smugly and she just exhaled deeply. 

"Come on, you gotta tell me something." She whined and Louis laughed cutely. 

"There's nothing even to tell." She narrowed her eyes patronizingly. 

"Oh, come on!" She exclaimed eagerly. "Whats something cute he's said?" 

"I don't know, he said my eyes are like the stars or some shit like that," He said blushing pink. 

"Aw, that's so adorable!" She gushed and Louis turned an even brighter shade of pink. 

"Yeah, well," He added rather lackadaisically and Macy groaned. 

"Oh, come on Louis, don't let this worry you too much." She said and Louis rolled his eyes. When was he not. 

"How come he's leaving before you?" Louis asked. "I mean, haven't you been here a month longer than him?" 

"Trust me," She laughed. "I still have a lot of stuff I need to work on and through before I can even think of leaving." Louis wanted to ask what it was she had to work through, but that wasn't any of his business, nor was he in any opposition to asked such an audacious question. 

"Well good luck with that." He said softly. 

"Thanks," She replied softly. "So, how have you been doing?" 

"Alright," He shrugged. "You?" 

"Pretty good." She said contently. "So," Macy continued. "What do you think of ballet?" If there was anything anyone needed to know about Macy it was that she loved ballet. 

"I've always thought ballet was kind of fascinating." He said with an amused smile. He picked his fork and ate a forkful of lukewarm eggs before cringing at the taste. 

"Really?" Macy asked enticed and Louis still nodded with a sour face. He cleared his throat. 

"Yeah," He said. "I mean, I never followed any of it ever that closely, but some videos would pop up on my explorer page on Instagram every now and then. Pointe is fascinating." Macy smiled brightly. 

"Isn't it? I love it so much, I miss it terribly." She said in dismay. 

"Is it hard?" Louis asked looking at her. 

"It's hard, but definitely worth it." She said. "It's so much fun, like, it makes me so happy." Her smile was small, but oozed happiness. "Is cheer hard? Like, with all the stunts and all?" She then asked curiously and Louis nodded.

"It's hard learning them, but once you get them they're so easy." He said and she smiled again.

"So can you do, like, backflips and ariels and all that kind of stuff?" She asked making him chuckle. 

"Well before I could, I don't think I could do that stuff now." He laughed. 

"Hey, it's just like getting back on a bike." 

"Except it's a lot more painful when you fall." Louis teased and she laughed lightly.

"One time in a dance class when I was younger me and two other girls had to stand facing each other in a little triangle then bring one of our legs up so we, like, overlapped each other's. It got rather tangled our first time trying it and I slipped backwards and hit my head on the floor so hard I was seeing stars." She said with a smirk and Louis gasped. 

"Ow! That would hurt! Were you okay?" He asked and she nodded through her laughter. 

"Yeah, but I had to sit out the rest of the class." 

"One time this guy on the team was working on tumbling and I don't know what he did, but he broke his arm and his bone was literally, like, jutting out of his arm. It was so disgusting." Macy cringed at the mental imagine. 

"Just the story of that sounds disgusting." She said making Louis laugh. Harry walked into the dayroom and glanced around before eyeing Louis and Macy sitting at the table. He walked over a little questionably and sat down beside Macy. 

"What's up?" He asked nonchalantly. 

"We're talking about gruesome dance and cheer stories." Macy smiled and Louis nodded making Harry grimace.

"Why?" 

"I don't know, we were talking about ballet and I told a story about how I fell and hit my head once and he said how one guy broke his arm." She said with a shrug. 

"Well I wish I could contribute with a story of my own, but I can't." He joked with a thin smile and Louis chortled. 

"So," Macy said looking at him. "You excited to be leaving next week?" Harry's eyes narrowed angrily and his lips pressed into a thin line. 

"You told her?" He asked sounding almost angry.

"Sorry," Louis apologized sincerely and looked down at his plate. 

"It's okay." He said softly. "Just don't, like, tell anyone else or anything." He added and Macy and Louis both nodded. 

"Louis's just afraid you'll realize you don't actually love him when you leave and he's still here." She said. Louis face palmed himself and Harry grit his teeth. 

"Macy," He warned slowly. "Don't talk about it." He said sternly and she swallowed thickly. 

"Is there some problem or something?" She asked cautiously. 

"No, I just don't want to talk about it so let's just leave it at that." Harry replied stiffly and Macy just inhaled slowly. Harry took a deep breath then stood up. "Well, I'll be in the room." He said rather curtly before turning and walking away. 

"Okay, what the hell was that about?" Macy asked and Louis just shrugged casually. 

"How am I supposed to know?" He asked and Macy gave him a condescending look. 

"Louis." 

"Okay, well, just because he told me he loved me doesn't mean I told him I loved him." He said slowly.

"What?" Macy asked in disbelief and Louis just slumped his shoulders forward shyly. 

"He didn't even mean to tell me that when he did, it just slipped." 

"But you didn't tell him you loved him back?" She asked. 

"No, because I don't know!" Louis exclaimed sounding more hysterical then he meant to. "I do really like him, but I don't know if I truly love him. Just because he told me that, by a slip of the tongue might I add, doesn't mean I'm entitled or obligated to say it back when I'm not ready too. People these days are too quick to say they love each other and it means absolutely nothing. Seriously, love has become such an empty gesture. People use it to describe everything and everyone they like so when they say they love someone it just means nothing because you know it isn't going to last. It's supposed to be a special word and saying you love someone is a special phrase reserved for one person and one person only, but is that so? No, people walk around saying they love everyone but they don't know what it means to love someone. They-"

"Louis, it was a yes or not question." Macy cut in with a small smile. Louis took a deep breath and nodded.

"Sorry," He said meekly. "Always have struggled to bite my tongue." He joked lightly and she smiled. 

"It's okay," She said. "Because it's people like you who speaks the minds of those too scared to speak their own." Louis smiled sweetly. 

"Why thank you," He joked and they both laughed. He twirled his fork around in his eggs before spooning some into his mouth. Boy, did it taste disgusting. 

"But hey, everything you said I completely agree with. I had this one old friend in 11th grade who got a boyfriend and just after a week they were already texting back and forth that they loved each other and all and I just thought it was so ridiculous." 

"Wow, that is ridiculous." Louis agreed and Macy nodded. They continued talking about random things as Louis finished his cold breakfast plate only needing to be reminded once by a nurse to finish. 

Group therapy was boring as ever, talking about how social media perpetuates and normalizes eating disorders. Lunch was fine, everything seemed fine as was dinner. But that night when Louis and Harry were lying next to each other things were oddly quiet. 

"Are you really worried about me leaving and just, like, forgetting about you?" Harry asked softly. He turned from his back on to his side and gazed at Louis whose profile was illuminated by the moonlight. 

"Kind of." It was 11:24 and Louis was fighting to keep his eyes open.

"There is no way I will ever be able to forget about you." Harry told him seriously. 

"But I mean, what if you do meet someone else? What if you do, like, realize you didn't mean it when you said you loved me? What if-"

"Louis," Harry interrupted softly. "I'm not going to meet anyone else. I can promise that." 

"But what if you do?"

"I won't." He said curtly and Louis took a deep breath. 

"But-"

"Nothing. But nothing." Harry cut in softly. 

"How can you be so sure?" Louis asked turning on his side to face Harry now. 

"Because it's a given." He stated. "I mean, once I leave I'm not going to be out partying or looking for someone to hook up with or go on a date with because I'll know that sometime soon I'll be getting a text from you telling me that you've been discharged too and we can finally start a real relationship and go on an actual date instead of sitting up at midnight talking or going up to the roof of a hospital to look at the stars. Granted I'll probably still want to sit up at midnight talking to you," He teased. "But that's honestly the only thing that's really keeping me going right now because I want to be healthy and have a healthy relationship with you." Louis's heart almost swelled so big his chest ripped open. He smiled sweetly and reached out, caressing Harry's cheek softly. 

He leaned in and kissed him slowly and tenderly. Harry breathed in heavily, kissing him back sweetly. Louis pulled away and smiled at him, brushing his thumb softly against his cheek. 

"I want that too." He whispered softly. Harry moved his head a little closer and nudged the tips of their noses together gently. Louis smiled before they pressed their forehead together. "Goodnight." He whispered and Harry smiled at him contently. 

"Buenas noche." Louis rolled his eyes at him before laying his head down and drifting off to a peaceful sleep.


	39. Chapter 39

Louis's heart was still fluttering from what Harry had said last night about being able to start an actual relationship once they were both discharged and wanting to have a healthy one with him. 

It made him feel happy, but at the same time he was upset that Harry was actually leaving. What was he gonna do in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep? Who was he gonna to talk to when he got upset or mad? 

Breakfast that morning was bearable, but still disgusting. Group therapy was barely bearable, but still boring. Lunch was okay, but still so-so. 

"When is Harry leaving?" Louis asked softly and Dr. Wentz looked up at him curiously. Louis sat in the chair in his office with his legs criss crossed. He looked like a little child with his shy expression and the way he was holding the ends of his jumper sleeves over his palms. 

"There isn't a specific day set yet, but we're thinking Tuesday." That was in four days. 

"Oh." Dr. Wentz swallowed then folded his hands together on his desktop, looking at Louis intently. 

"You two are close?" He half asked, half stated. 

"Yeah." Louis nodded.

"And you two are still sleeping in the same bed." There was no question in this tone his time. This was a statement. Louis nodded again. 

"Yes, and nothing you say is going to change that." He said crossing his arms tightly making Dr. Wentz laugh. 

"I've realized that." He joked and Louis looked at him curiously. 

"What do you mean by that?" 

"I mean that I've realized you tend to do what you want and you don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do." He said with a small smile. 

"Well in that case, you're correct." Louis said with a thin smirk. "So, any idea on how long until I can leave?" He asked bundling his hands together in his lap. Dr. Wentz just shrugged.

"I'll think about it and let you know tomorrow." He said. 

"Why not now?" Louis asked already feeling impatient. 

"Because deciding when a patient is ready to leave is influenced by many different factors that need to be taken into serious consideration. I can't just give you an answer right away." 

"I'm not talking about a definite answer. I'm talking about a generic answer." 

"Soon." Dr. Wentz smiled thinly. 

"I didn't mean that generic." 

"Well that's the best answer I can give you right now." 

"I don't think it is." Louis retorted sassily and Dr. Wentz gave him a patronizing look. 

"Let's talk about something else, yeah?" 

"Like?"

"I don't know, ways to control anger maybe?" Dr. Wentz said sarcastically 

"I control my anger quite well, actually." Louis joked with a little smirk and Dr. Wentz narrowed his eyes at him. 

"Oh really?"

"No," Louis shook his head laughing. 

"Have you always had trouble controlling your anger?" Dr. Wentz asked and Louis pursed his lips together. 

"I don't know," He shrugged. 

"You tend to be really sarcastic a lot and sort of cynical, would you disagree?" Dr. Wentz asked and Louis looked at him questionably. 

"No?" He said a little confused.

"Have you ever heard of passive anger?" Dr. Wentz asked and Louis shook his head. "When you experience passive anger your anger or emotions come off as sarcasm, apathy, and meanness usually, which is why it's kind of hard to identify." He explained. 

"And?" 

"Have you ever thought that you might be experiencing passive anger? Or even an anger disorder?" 

"Anger disorders exist?" Louis asked questionably and Dr. Wentz nodded. 

"Yes, other than passive anger, chronic anger, overwhelmed anger, and volatile anger fall under categories of anger disorders." He explained.

"What's volatile anger?" 

"Volatile anger is spontaneous outbursts of excessive or violent anger." Dr. Wentz said. "There's also aggressive anger, which can translate into volatile anger, where those experiencing aggressive anger are usually aware of their emotions, but don't know the roots of their ire. In some cases, they redirect anger outbursts to scapegoats because it's too difficult to deal with the real problems." He continued. "Aggressive anger can manifest as volatile anger and can result in property damage or damage done to people which made me think of when you punched your bathroom mirror." Louis blushed in embarrassment.

"Okay, none of that would've happened if-"

"You would've controlled your anger in a calm manner." He interrupted. "It also made me think of when you and Patricia got into a little quarrel and threw a punch, hitting Harry in the nose." He added and Louis rolled his eyes. "There's also Intermittent Explosive disorder." 

"Sounds like something a pyromaniac would have." Louis said sarcastically and Dr. Wentz chuckled. 

"It's actually an anger disorder which involves repeated episodes of impulsive and violent behavior or angry verbal outbursts which are reacted grossly out of proportion." He explained and Louis nodded. "It usually leads to bodily injury and property damage, it's basically aggressive anger, which I just told you about." 

"Okay, so, like, what causes it?" Louis asked sitting forward in the chair. 

"Well, a big factor is environment." Dr. Wentz stated. "Most people who actually have this order grew up in families where verbal and physical abuse were common." 

"Well gee, how could that possibly relate to my life?" Louis said sarcastically making Dr. Wentz crack a small smile. 

"It's usually a constant behavior in a family where the kids exhibit traits of this disorder as they mature." He explained. "It could also be genetics or brain chemistry. Sometimes it may be a difference in how serotonin works in people with the disorder." 

"What's serotonin?" Louis asked curiously. 

"It's an important chemical messenger in the brain." 

"So. . .what? You think I have this disorder or something?" Louis asked crossing his arms and Dr. Wentz shook his head. 

"No, I'm don't think you have it, I'm just saying that you do exhibit signs of passive and aggressive anger and am trying expand your knowledge on anger disorders." He said with a little smirk. Louis smiled thinly and rolled his eyes. 

"And?" 

"And what?" 

"And now what?" Louis asked. "So I show signs of passive and aggressive anger, what next?" 

"Now I'm just going to ask you a few questions." Dr. Wentz said and Louis rolled his eyes again. "Have you experienced episodes of aggressive or volatile anger prior to being admitted here?" 

"Um, I guess." Louis said unsurely. 

"Can you give me a specific example?" 

"Um, when my mum told me she and Dean were engaged." He stated.

"What happened?" 

"I got angry." Louis stated sounding more confused then he meant too. This was probably the most professional Dr. Wentz had ever been with him. 

"Did you do anything about that?" He asked pensively. 

"I-uh-threw a ceramic plate on the wooden floor." That was mess of a moment and probably the most emotional and open Louis had ever been with his mother. Luckily Dean wasn't actually with her when she broke the news, which as at dinner. 

She announced it happily, his sisters smiled and cheered, and Louis had just clenched his fork tightly and tried to bite his tongue. 

"Is there something wrong, Louis?" She had asked timidly and Louis gritted his teeth together. 

"You're engaged?" He repeated slowly and she nodded. "Didn't you, like, just start dating him?" He asked raising his tone only slightly. 

"We've been dating for six months-"

"And that's long enough to propose already?" He had asked raising his tone of voice even louder. 

"We're adults Louis, not children." Jay had said feeling a little offended. 

"Well then have you ever thought about what this would be doing to your children?" He shot back nastily. "I mean seriously, you've barely been seeing him and now you're getting married? What the fuck?" 

"Louis!" Jay snapped at his foul language. "Girls, please go up stairs or something." She instructed in embarrassment and the girls scrambled from their chairs to up the stairs and into their rooms. Louis remained sitting in his chair breathing heavily and was still holding his fork tightly. "Now Louis, I don't know what the big deal is-"

"The big deal is that you barely even know this man and now he's going to be our new daddy." He interrupted rudely and glared at her. 

"I know you do not like Dean, but that is not an excuse to talk to me like this." She said sternly and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Talk to you like how?" 

"Talk to me disrespectfully." She said. "I am your mother and you will show me some respect-"

"Then why don't you show me some respect as your son." Louis shot back. "I mean seriously, you have the fucking audacity to tell me that I need to respect you when you did absolutely nothing for me when dad spent more than six weeks ignoring me, screaming at me, hitting me, insulting me, forcing me to go to that stupid Mormon group thing, and talking about wanting to disown me? I practically still have fucking bruises from him!" 

"It happened over a year ago, you can't still have bruises, stop being so melodramatic!" 

"I'm not being fucking melodramatic and you don't know a fucking thing!" Louis screamed slamming his hand on top of the table making her jump. "You did nothing for me and here you expect me to respect you and your decision to marry this fucking asshole I can't stand? Why didn't you talk to us about this before making your final decision? Wouldn't you of wanted to know how we-I'd-feel about this?" He asked in a shrill tone. 

"I'm not going to let your opinion of a man I feel very strongly about sway my decision to marry him or not." Jay said calmly. Louis grit his teeth and glared at her narrowly. 

"Congratulations, you just won worst mother of year right next to Mark Tomlinson with worst father of the year." He spit nastily and Jay gasped. 

"Louis!" 

"Does my opinion mean absolutely nothing to you!" He yelled. 

"Of course not!" 

"Well it really fucking feels like it." He retorted. 

"Why are you yelling at me? Couldn't we just of talked about this calmly instead of escalating it to this?" Jay asked softly and Louis clenched his jaw. 

"Are you pregnant or something?" He asked wickedly. "Is that why you're getting married?" 

"I can't believe you'd suggest such a thing." She said lowly and Louis just shrugged, crossing his arms. 

"Wouldn't want another mistake walking around this household." He said and her jaw dropped. 

"Louis," She gasped softly and Louis bit his cheek. "I really think you should talk to someone-"

"Would you stop saying that?" Louis interrupted loudly. "I don't want to see a fucking shrink, I'm fine." 

"No you aren't." She shook her head lightly. 

"And how the hell would you know if I'm fine or not?" He snapped scornfully. "I'm fine, okay? I'm just mad." He said sternly. 

"Well then why don't we sit down and talk about it calmly." Jay suggested coolly. Lord knows what would set him off now that he was finally cooling down. 

"When did he propose?" Louis asked and Jay bit her lip. "When did he propose?" Louis repeated when she didn't answer. "Honestly, lying isn't going to help you." He added firmly. 

"Honestly, he proposed. . .around two weeks ago." She answered quietly. 

"Two weeks?" Louis repeated in disbelief. "You've been fucking engaged for two weeks and you're just now telling us?" 

"I wanted to tell you at the right time." She said meekly. Louis uncrossed his arms and clenched his fists. 

"Motherfucker!" He reached for his full dinner plate, lifted it up, and threw it down to the wooden floor making it shatter. Jay gasped, covering her mouth with her hands and Louis turned around, storming from the dining room to the foyer where he put on his shoes and walked out of the house.

Let's just say later that night when he returned, after a long night of apologies, making up, and talking calmly for once, that was the last time he ever really talked to his mother. 

"So what would you say causes your outbursts?" Dr. Wentz asked and Louis shrugged. 

"I don't know," He said. "Anything? I mean, one time I blew up at my friend for using the word faggot." 

"Would you say it's usually topics such as your father and stepfather?" 

"Deans not my step father." Louis said sternly. 

"Okay, but mainly those and the past tied with them?" Dr. Wentz clarified and Louis nodded before shrugging unsurely. "Do you think some of the outbursts you have might be caused by channeling the anger you still have towards your father and Dean?" 

"I don't know, maybe?" Louis said confused. 

"Have your outbursts affected your family negatively?" Louis nodded meekly. 

"Yeah." 

"Is there anything that you've found that can help calm you down?" He asked and Louis thought for a moment. 

"Listening to music?" He said unsurely and Dr. Wentz nodded. 

"Have you ever physically hurt anyone, or yourself, during an outburst?" He asked. 

"Um, besides accidentally punching Harry, no." 

"Have you ever hurt yourself?" 

"I punched a mirror in my bathroom." Louis said. "That kind of hurt my knuckles." He added bashfully. 

"Have you ever looked into maybe finding a way to control your anger?" Dr. Wentz asked and Louis shook his head. "Can you think of anything right now that you could do in the future to control your anger? To stop your anger from escalating into a big blowout?" 

"Um. . .not getting mad?" He asked meekly and Dr. Wentz chuckled. 

"Something maybe more specific?" Louis shook his head. "Well why don't we go over some ways to help control anger." He said with a nod and Louis just nodded back. "The first thing you should always do when you feel yourself getting angry is to think before you speak. Take a deep breath, collect your thoughts, then speak because you don't want to say anything you'll regret, which is usually what ends up happening when one is angry. You want to be assertive, but non-confrontational." He said. "Another way to help manage your anger is to exercise. Exercising helps reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. You know, if you're ever home and feel yourself getting angry, go on a run or a walk or something to help ease that." He explained. "Avoid criticizing and placing blame as well. Use "I" statements to describe the problem." 

"'I' statements?" Louis asked in confusion. 

"Yes. For example, say 'I'm upset you didn't offer to help with the dishes after leaving the table,' instead of 'You never do any of the dishes.'"

"Good to know, now I know how to keep my anger under perfect control." He said sarcastically and Dr. Wentz smiled. 

"If only it was that easy." He joked. "Learning to control anger is something that takes time, but the more the do your best to control it the easier it will get." 

After more boring talk about controlling anger and different scenarios with that Louis was set free. 

Dinner that night was eh, but a little tolerable. Afterwards he returned to the room and took a shower. After that he nestled in his bed and started his new book Harry gave him to read, Brimstone. Another Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child book. 

Then of course at 10:30 Harry crawled over into Louis's bed stealthily. 

"So, guess who's finally learning how to control his anger?" Louis asked teasingly as Harry nestled down under the cover. 

"Hm, you?" He joked and Louis laughed, nodding. 

"Surprisingly." Harry smiled and turned on his side to face Louis. "But I'm already so good at it," He joked laughing lightly. 

"Of course." Harry said sarcastically. Louis smiled at him thinly and tucked the blanket under his arms. "So," Harry started. "How do you like Brimstone so far?"

"It's pretty good, I'm just starting chapter two though, where Pendergast is found feeding the ducks and all." Louis said cheerfully. 

"It gets so much better, trust me." Harry raved nodding and Louis chuckled softly. 

"I trust you." Harry smiled at him and Louis yawned tiredly. 

"Aw, are you tired?" Harry taunted and Louis nodded, closing his heavy eyelids. "Goodnight, broken record." He teased and Louis smiled at him lazily.

"Goodnight, Harold." 

"Goodnight, Lewis." 

"My names not Lewis." Louis scolded glaring at him. 

"My names not Harold." 

"Okay Harold."

"Whatever Lewis." 

"You're mean." Louis pouted at him and Harry laughed, smiling himself. 

"Because I called you Lewis?" Louis nodded. 

"Well then you're mean too because you called me Harold." Louis broke out into a big grin. 

"Because that's your name!" He exclaimed teasingly and Harry rolled his eyes at him. 

"You're lucky you're cute." Louis giggled. Fucking giggled. 

"Cute? I'm a hunk." Harry guffawed loudly making Louis smile cutely as he laughed along with Harry. 

"Of course you are, babe." Harry wrapped his arm around him comfortably and snuggled closer to Louis. 

"If anyone's a hunk, it's you." He teased and Harry's face scrunched together in skepticism. "Like, just look at your arms." He grabbed one of Harry's arms and lifted it up. "When I first saw you I could've wrapped one hand around your arm twice, it literally just looked like your bone was covered in skin and now I can barely wrapped half my hand around your bicep." He laughed happily trying to do so and Harry just gazed at him fondly. Louis's hand felt so warm and soft. 

Louis let go of his arm and Harry wrapped it around him snugly again. 

"It makes me happy to think about how different you look now compared to when I first saw you." Louis whispered softly. "You look really handsome and a lot more healthy." Harry smiled. 

"I feel the same exact way about you." Louis grinned up at him. He leaned in and kissed him softly. 

"Goodnight."

And the night was quiet. Well, until 2:38. At 2:38 something different happened. 

"Fffff. . .fuck!" Harry jolted awake at the sound of his own voice making Louis jolt awake in alarm. Harry sat up straight covered in perspiration that gleamed in the moonlight. His chest moved up and down heavily from how hard he was breathing. 

"What's wrong?" Louis asked sitting up in shock. What's wrong? What's wrong is that Harry just had a pretty sexual dream about him and Louis and now he had a real inconvenient mess in his pants. 

"Nothing." Harry lied. "Just had, uh, um, a bad dream." He said wiping his forehead with the back of his head. 

"About what?" Louis asked looking at him. 

"I don't remember." He responded quickly. He pressed his hands to his cheeks then ran his fingers through his hair. Louis laid back down on his back and continued to stare up at Harry. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Harry nodded rubbing his eyes. "I'm fine." Not. What was he supposed to do? Wait for Louis to fall back asleep so he could get up and change his underwear and sweats? 

"You sure?" 

"Yeah." Harry said stiffly. 

"Okay." Louis watched him for a few more minutes. "Are you gonna lie back down?" He asked and Harry turned to him sharply. 

"Oh, yeah." He mumbled. He slid down on his back and swallowed thickly. His pants felt so sticky and wet, it was gross. 

"Are you sure you're okay? You seem a little distraught." Louis said solemnly. 

"No, I'm fine." Harry reassured and Louis nodded.

"Well okay then." He nestled against his pillow. Harry closed his eyes and Louis cuddled closer to him. He slid his arm around his lower waist and Harry stiffened because Louis's arm was so low and he in no way wanted Louis to feel his. . .mess because let's just say not all of his cum stayed in his pants and his shirt had already rode up a bit and Louis's arm was pressed against his bare skin between his shirt and sweatpants. This was going to be a disaster. "Haz, you're tense." Louis whispered and peered up at him tiredly. 

"I am?" He asked despite the fact he knew he was tense. 

"Yeah." Louis said with a little smile. 

"Oh," He mumbled under his breath. 

"Is something bothering you?" Yes. 

"No." 

"You sure?" 

"I'm sure." Harry nodded. 

"Okay then," He nestled his head against his chest again. "Goodnight." 

"Sleep well." Louis closed his eyes and settled down cozily. Harry, on the other hand, laid there wide awake and unsettled. Louis's breathing evened out soon and Harry thought he had fallen asleep until he moved his arm lower and jerked his hand away quickly, making Harry cringe. 

"Uh, why does your waist seem...wet?" He asked sitting up slightly and Harry bit the inside of his cheek. 

"I don't know." He murmured feeling hotter and hotter in the face by the second. He moved the blanket off his lap and stood up quickly. 

"Did you. . .wet yourself or something?" Louis asked meekly and Harry just ignored him as he grabbed a clean pair of underwear and basketball shorts from his dresser. "Well the mattress isn't wet so. . .," Louis trailed off watching him. "Harry-"  
Harry rushed into the bathroom and closed the door quickly.

Fuck, he was so embarrassed. No, he wasn't embarrassed, he was mortified. He stripped out of his soiled undergarment and sweats, cleaned himself up a bit with toilet paper, then put on a clean pair. He bundled his dirty clothes together then turned on the sink, washing his face with cold water. 

He dried his face then stepped back and looked in the mirror that had been installed a few weeks ago. How was he supposed to go out and face Louis now? He sighed apathetically and bit his lip.

There was a timid knock on the door that made Harry jump. 

"Harry?" Louis asked softly. "I know you probably feel embarrassed, if it is what I think it, but if it isn't then I'm the one who's embarrassed, but I mean, no matter what happened there's nothing to be embarrassed about or feel bad about or anything really, it's not like I'm going to judge you or anything. Things like this are just human nature, like, it's normal and all." He said making Harry's heart swell, but his embarrassment was as evident as ever. 

Harry picked up his ball of clothes and opened the door. He looked down at Louis who smiled up at him meekly. 

"Are you okay?" He asked and Harry nodded. He looked so cute in his little grey joggers and white tee shirt that was maybe a bit too big for him. 

"Yes." Louis smiled and walked back towards the bed. Harry tossed his clothes into the corner of the wall and his dresser and walked back over to the bed where Louis was pulling the blanket over his lap. Harry walked over to the bed and climbed on top, still avoiding eye contact with Louis. 

"Harry," 

"Hmph?" Harry hummed staring down at the blanket as he pulled it over his lap. 

"Look at me." He instructed softly. Harry turned his head to the side slightly and looked at him. "You have nothing to be embarrassed about." He reassured. "It was a...dream right? Because if it's not please tell me to shut up." He joked with a laugh and Harry cracked a small smile. 

"Yes, as embarrassing as it is." He said blushing pink. 

"Don't worry about it," Louis leaned over and kissed his cheek sweetly. "Okay?" 

"You can tell me not to worry all you want, I'm still going to feel embarrassed." Harry said with a thin smile and Louis laughed softly. 

"Why are you embarrassed about something that happens to probably everybody once in their lifetime?" He asked. "Even more than once?" 

"Because you were lying right beside me and it was gross and you fucking felt the. . .aftermath with your arm which just made me want to die." He admitted shaking his head and Louis laughed. 

"Haz," He started. "If me accidentally touching semen on your waist makes you want to die then I don't know how long you're going to live through a relationship with me." He joked and Harry furrowed his eyebrows at him. 

"What kind of relationship are you suggesting we'll have?" He asked in an amused tone and Louis smirked.

"Just a regular one, but if we're going to be in a relationship then get used to feeling embarrassed." He teased. 

"I have a feeling I might just die of embarrassment then." Harry joked and Louis just smiled at him. He settled down on his back again, pulling the blanket up to his chest as Harry lied back down as well. It was quiet, and Harry had actually closed his eyes, until Louis rolled over on his stomach, propping up on his arms. Harry opened his eyes and looked up at him. 

"So," He smiled giddily. "What was your dream about?" Harry rolled his eyes and covered his hand over his face. 

"No, nope, you aren't allowed to ask that question. Goodnight." He pulled the blanket over his head and Louis laughed merrily. 

"Come on Harry," He said pulling the blanket back down.

"No, goodnight." He stated with his eyes closed. 

"Aw, Haz," Louis whined placing his head down on his shoulder. 

"Why do you want to know?" Harry asked. 

"Because I'm curious." Louis said with a small smile. 

"Well," Harry swallowed thickly. "It involved you and me and the act of coitus." 

"Coitus?" Louis repeatedly humorously and Harry nodded flushing pink. 

"Yes, and that's all I'm saying about it. Goodnight." He said hastily and closed his eyes to make it look like he was sleeping. 

"Oh, come on." Louis whined tugging on his sleeve. "That makes it sound so boring, obviously it was an exciting dream." 

"Stooooop," Harry whined covering his hands over his ears. Louis laughed in amusement and laid down on his side again, smiling boldly at Harry who uncovered his ears.

"Fine, I'll stop teasing you." 

"Thank you," Harry said slightly sarcastic. Louis grinned giddily and tucked his arms under his pillow, hugging it tightly. And then it was a quiet night. Quiet enough to hear a heart beat.


	40. Chapter 40

The next morning Harry wasn't feeling any less embarrassed and Louis still found the utmost amusement in it. 

"Good morning," Louis greeted smiling sweetly and tilted his head on Harry's shoulder. "Still dry?" He teased and Harry pushed him away making him laugh. 

"It was good until you made that comment." Harry grumbled and Louis laughed, sitting up. 

"I was just teasing you." Louis said looking down at him and Harry just smirked, rolling his eyes. 

"Hmhmm, right." He hummed. "You just like making fun of me." He stated crossing his arms. 

"That is so not true!" Louis exclaimed and Harry sat up grinning like a chimp. 

"What time is it?" He asked stretching his arms out and yawned. 

"7:56." Louis answered yawning as well. He pulled the blanket off his lap and stood up, arching back in a stretch. He went to the drawer and took out a pair of socks, pulling them on as Harry stretched as well. "Hm, I wonder what's on the menu for this morning." Louis sung merrily and Harry smiled at him fondly. Louis was so adorable and cute and childlike and just all around perfect. 

They walked in and sat down in their usual spots before the plates were brought out a few minutes later. 

"Well you two look well rested." Macy remarked sarcastically and Louis just smiled. He felt unusually giddy for some reason. 

"I don't know about Harry, but I am." He said and Harry kicked him under the table making him flinch. Macy just smiled and rolled her eyes, turning to Patricia on her right. 

"Knock it off." Harry whispered to him. 

"Sorry, sorry," Louis said sounding more insincere than he meant to. "I'll stop teasing you." He added with a smirk. 

"And I totally believe you." Harry said rolling his eyes and Louis snickered. 

"No, I will." He promised trying to purse his lips together so he looked serious, but just ended up laughing even harder. 

"What is with you this morning?" Harry asked picking up a strip of bacon and taking a bite. Louis just shrugged and took a nonchalant sip of his orange juice. 

"I'm not the only one feeling excited." He teased and Harry blushed bright red. 

"Fucking knock it off." He whispered threateningly and Louis just smiled mischievously. Truth was he didn't know why he felt so happy and. . .alive. A part of him was happy Harry had a wet dream about him and all. It made him feel kind of good actually, that Harry actually found him attractive enough to even have that kind of dream. 

Louis took a bite out of his toast and looked at Harry. 

"So, excited to leave?" He asked and Harry shrugged. 

"We already talked about that." He stated dismissively. "So let's not talk about it." His tone was clipped and Louis nodded. 

"Okay." He said taking another bite of his toast. 

"You're leaving?" Eleanor, who was sitting next to Louis, asked looking at him. Harry just nodded. Everyone else silenced. "When?" 

"Tuesday." He answered flatly. 

"Aw, congratulations!" She exclaimed and he just smiled thinly. 

"Wait, you're being discharged?" Patricia asked turning to look around Macy. He just nodded again. 

"As you can tell he is super excited." Macy joked teasingly and he just rolled his eyes. 

"I'm elated." He said sarcastically and they all laughed lightly before breaking off into their own separate conversations again. Louis and Harry talked idly about their favorite movies. 

The day just flew by. The next three days just flew by as well and before even Louis knew it it was Monday night and Harry was going to be leaving tomorrow afternoon. 

It was 11:22 and they were lying awake quietly. 

"You know," Louis broke the silence and turned on his side, facing Harry. Harry looked at him curiously. "You never told me about your dad." Harry rolled his eyes. 

"Yes I did." Louis shook his head. 

"No you didn't. Not to an extent." He added and Harry pursed his lips together. 

"He was a drunk and he hit us. That's all you need to know." He said stiffly and Louis gave him a rather patronizing look. 

"But that's not all I want to know." 

"For Christ's sake, it's 11:30, why do want to talk about this now?" Harry asked austerely and Louis shrugged. 

"I just realized now that we never talked about it." 

"I don't want to talk about it." Harry replied curtly and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Why not?"

"Same reason you don't like talking about your dad." Harry said. "In fact, you've never really told me about your father either." He added turning the tables. 

"Oh please, I've told you a lot about him! You read that fucking letter, didn't you?" Louis shot back and Harry nodded. 

"Yes, I did, and I know he wanted to disown you and all, but you've never really talked about it all with me either, so don't expect me to be so open about my father to you." He retorted harshly. "At least you made peace with yours anyways." He grumbled under his breath. Harry pulled the blanket up to his shoulder and turned on his side so his back was to Louis. 

Louis frowned. 

"Harry," He whined softly and poked him in the shoulder gently. "I didn't mean to upset you or anything," Harry was silent. "You know, well I think I might've already told you this, but my father forced me to go to this Mormon group that was supposed to make me straight." 

"Obviously it didn't work." Harry said making Louis laugh. 

"No it did not." He curled up to Harry and wrapped his arm around his waist cozily, nestling his head against the back of Harry's broad shoulder. "And he hit me a lot. He'd curse at me while he was hitting me and my mother would just walk into another room. Sometimes at night I'd lie awake at night and listen to them fight about me." He added quietly. 

"That must've been hard." Harry replied softly and Louis nodded slightly. 

"It was." He said. "That was shortly after I had started losing weight for cheer competition then was cut and all." He explained. "He basically confirmed all the negative thoughts I had about myself." 

"I'm sorry about that." 

"It's okay." Louis said softly then it was quiet. Harry stared out the window and Louis had his eyes closed. Harry was so warm. 

"My father used to go out and drink a lot." Harry broke the silence this time. "Like, every night. Then he'd come home and he'd find something that pissed him off and he flip his lid. And if he couldn't find anything that made him mad, then he'd make up some reason for him to be mad and he'd still flip out. As long as I can remember, they was never a peaceful night unless he just didn't come home." He explained and Louis listened intently. "He'd lash out at my mum when she tried to calm him down and help him, and I'd just lie in my bed and listen to it all. He always refused to get help because he didn't think he had a problem, but he did!" He exclaimed. He turned back over on his other side, turning to Louis with his head resting in his palm. "And then when my mother told him she wanted a divorce he freaked out and that's when he decided to get help, but it was too late. He checked himself into a rehabilitation center, but even then my mum made it clear that their marriage was over because both of us were fed up and exhausted. So, while he was in the center my mother and I moved out of the house and into a little flat across town to get away from him, but he must've checked himself out of the center or something pretty quickly because we had been living in the flat for two and a half weeks when he came pounding on our flat door at 1 am. He broke the fucking door down and stormed in and just lashed out at my mum and I, he practically tore up the place. At one time he actually lunged at my mothers throat and she hit him on the back of the head with a frying pan and knocked him out cold. So we threw some clothes into a bag, she grabbed her purse, and we drove over to my grandmas. The next day I just spent at my grandmas while my mum was out and about trying to get a handle on everything. She got a restraining order against my dad, we got rid of the flat, and moved here. I haven't seen or heard from him since." Louis was speechless and glanced up at him solemnly. He rubbed his back gently and Harry pursed his lips together uneasily. 

"Wow, I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that." Louis whispered sincerely and Harry didn't say anything. 

"It's okay." He finally said quietly. "I mean, it's not like it's your fault, right?" Harry's eyes glinted in the pale moonlight and Louis stared up at him intently. "Are we done talking about this, now?" His voice was obviously strained like he was on the verge of crying and Louis nodded. 

"What's your favorite animal?" He asked and Harry cracked a small smile, wiping his eyes.

"I don't know, kittens are cute." He said and Louis smiled up at him. 

"Kittens are adorable." He agreed sighing contently. "I always thought sharks were interesting." 

"Well that's a big jump." Harry laughed. "Sharks? Really?" Louis nodded. 

"Yeah," He said. "When I was really little I used to be, like, obsessed with them." 

"That's interesting." Harry said in amusement and Louis just smiled. 

"So," He started softly. "What started your eating disorder?" He asked and Harry's smiled fell into a flat line. 

"Well," He started. "I'm not even sure. One day I was Tumblr looking through an account that just had pictures of gay couples and all," He said with a laugh. "And I realized that in every picture the guys were fit, muscular, and had abs. Then I looked down at myself and realized I was the exact opposite of that. I was pudgy and ugly, it disgusted me. So I started working out and tried to lose a little weight. At some point it become more about losing weight, though, then it was about working out. And, you know, it was all downhill from there. I became obsessed with my weight and making sure I lost pounds instead of gaining any. I was so obsessed with my hip bones and collar bones it seemed like no matter what I did it was still this constant thing nagging me in the back of my brain and the more I tried to push it out the more it nagged. Then it just engulfed me, all I cared about was making sure I could see my collar and hip bones. It was awful, but at the time it seemed like it was helping and that I would have a happy ending, but I didn't." He said somberly. 

"But it's not the end yet." 

"The end was when I was admitted here." Harry said. "A new beginning started when I started the treatment." Louis just smiled up at him then let his head roll back against the pillow tiredly. "Speaking of new beginnings, I started this new book titled "Comes The Blind Fury", it's another John Saul book, and it is so good, like, I can't wait to finish it, but I'm only on the second chapter." Harry said pouting. "I can tell its going to amazing though, John Saul is an amazing writer." 

"What's it about?" Louis asked curiously. 

"It's about this little blind girl who was walking by the cliffs of the sea when the other children came and started taunting her and she fell off the side of the cliff. That's the prologue, really. The main plot is about this other girl who moved to Boston and her family and all and the ghost of blind girl kind of reaches out to her wanting to revenge and all. It sounds kind of lame and boring, but it really is good." Harry explained. 

"Maybe I'll read it sometime." Louis said and Harry smiled at him wearily, fatigued. He laid down on his side and placed his head on the pillow. His nose almost touched Louis's. Good thing his breath wasn't too bad. "You know, I never ever really read until you gave me Relic to read." He admitted. 

"Really?" Harry asked. "What other books have you read besides the ones I've given you?" Louis was quiet and just grinned shyly. 

"I don't know, none unless the ones required in school count." He said meekly and Harry laughed.

"I don't think I could count the number of books I've read." 

"I never really cared about reading. I mean, I never really read, but it wasn't because I didn't like it or anything, I just never really had the time to pick up a book." 

"And then there's me, I had too much time picking up books." Harry joked and Louis laughed softly, turning his face into the pillow. 

"What's your favorite book?" He asked beaming at him.

"Uh, Relic, duh." Harry said and he laughed. 

"Besides that." 

"I don't know if I could pick one, that's like asking a mother who her favorite child is!" 

"Well pretend the mother has one child, what's your second favorite book?" He asked. 

"I can't choose." Harry stated and Louis gave him a patronizing look. "I can't!" Harry exclaimed and Louis just rolled his eyes teasingly. "Don't roll your eyes at me." Harry scolded in a light tone and Louis stuck his tongue out at him. 

"You sound like my mum." He said. "I can't remember, do you have any siblings?" 

"Yeah, I just have an older sister." Harry said softly. "We don't talk. I don't even think she knows I had an eating disorder."

"I think you told me that already, but I can't remember because you never mentioned her when you were talking about your father and all." Louis said. 

"Oh, yeah, well, she wasn't around home a lot either, she spent a vast majority of your time with her friends and I was too young to really have any friends to go out with so I spent my time with mother. My sister and I were never close." 

"Does your mum work?" Louis asked. 

"Yeah, she worked at home as a freelance editor for APA, ASHA, JMF and other small things."

"What do those stand for?" Louis asked curiously and Harry just shrugged. 

"I don't know, that's just what she'd say when she'd complain about an article she was editing or proofreading." He laughed softly. 

"Well sounds interesting." 

"I guess, what does your mum do?" Harry asked.

"She's a social worker." 

"So what does she specifically do?" 

"Beats me." Louis said and Harry smiled. "What do you wanna do?" 

"I dunno." Harry answered. "Probably just become a teacher or something. You?" 

"I want to be an art teacher. I like art." Louis said contently. He turned over on his stomach and folded his arms under his head as he gazed at Harry because tomorrow night he wouldn't be able to look at him while lying beside him. He'd just be sleeping by himself, not that he wasn't used to sleeping by himself, but he spoiled himself into getting used to sleeping with Harry beside him. 

"Are you any good?" Harry teased and Louis smiled shyly. 

"I'm okay. I'm not exceptional, but I'm not too bad." He shrugged. 

"Maybe you could draw or paint something for me sometime." Harry suggested softly and Louis just nodded. 

"Maybe." He said smiling larger than life. "I used to draw random figures with the body I wished I had and one day I was cleaning through my art supplies and looking at all my drawings and I realized that the figures I drew slowly became thinner and thinner because that's what I wanted to be." 

"To be or not to be, that is the question." Harry joked making Louis crack a small smile and laugh. 

"What, you egg?" 

"Young fry of treachery!" They both burst out into boisterous laughter, curling forward and clutching their stomachs. Harry admired the way Louis's eyes crinkled and the way his little dimples showed when he laughed especially hard. Louis admired the way Harry's face just lit up entirely when he laughed so freely, without any restraint or control. 

"I hated Macbeth!" Their laughter died down. Louis gazed at Harry and sighed contently. 

"You mean Macdeath." Harry joked, his eyes twinkling. 

"My teacher was such a bitch. She made us all buy the stupid book and then we read it out loud in class but we actually had to, like, stand up in front of the class and read our part and it was the absolute worst thing ever because one of the last things I wanted to do was stand in front of my entire fucking class and read fucking Shakespeare." 

"That sounds awful." Harry remarked making Louis laugh. 

"It was. My class was so snooty and judgmental, I skipped so many days." Harry just smiled at him fondly as Louis yawned tiredly and blinked slowly. 

"Tired?" Harry teased and Louis nodded. "If only there was a solution to that problem." 

"I don't want to go to sleep." Louis stated stubbornly and Harry gave him a questionable look. 

"Why not?" 

"Because when I wake up you'll have to leave." Harry pressed his lips together tightly. 

"But soon you'll be released and we'll get to see each other again." He said brightly and Louis just stared at him intently. 

"But I'm probably not going to be discharged until next month, Dr. Wentz said." 

"So? It's only time." Louis sighed. "And time is of the essence." 

"Stop that." He said and Harry looked at him peculiarly. 

"Stop what?" 

"Being so optimistic and filling me full of optimism." He said lackadaisically. 

"You gotta stop being so pessimistic." Harry teased. "The glass is always half full!" He exclaimed and Louis rolled his eyes, slugging him in the arm gently. 

"No, it's always half empty." 

"No, it's half full." 

"You're wrong." 

"No I'm-"

"No, you aren't." Louis interrupted. 

"Fine then, no goodnight kiss for you then." Harry threatened and Louis gasped silently. 

"Fine, you're right then. The glass is half full." He said making Harry smile. Harry leaned and kissed Louis softly. 

"Goodnight." He whispered and Louis smiled at him happily. 

"You're wrong." He whispered back. 

-

The next morning Louis had never felt more antsy. Breakfast was quiet, but not awkwardly quiet. Louis just couldn't focus during group therapy and right after lunch was when Harry started to pack up his clothes in his duffel bag he had brought them along in. 

"You wear a lot button up shirts." Louis noted out loud. He was lying on his back on Harry's bed and watched Harry move back and forth from the bed where his bag was and the dresser. 

"I liked showing off my collar bones." He said with a shrug and folded a shirt before just tossing it precariously in his bag. 

"I used to wear a lot of button up shirts with braces." Louis stated and Harry looked at him, raising an eyebrow. 

"Really? You wore suspenders?" He asked and Louis nodded. 

"Of course!" 

"Well when you say it like that," Harry laughed and tossed some more shirts into his bag. 

"So, what're you gonna do now that you're being thrown back into the world of societies ridicules and corruption?" Louis asked. 

"I am going to take of myself and my body." He replied with a smile. "Just kidding, well I mean I'm not kidding I just...I'm probably not going to do much." Harry said with a shrug. He knelt down and reached under the bed, pulling out his Packers blanket and tossed it on the bed. More so on top of Louis. 

Louis smiled merrily and unfolded the blanket, wrapping himself in it. 

"Probably look into uni and all." He added smiling down at Louis. "What about you?" 

"Probably look into getting a GED, then uni." He answered.

"Ever think you'd join cheerleading or, like, gymnastics again?" Harry asked curiously and Louis shook his head. 

"Nope." 

"Why not?" Louis shrugged. 

"I'd be way out of my league, plus I wouldn't have any time." 

"That's too bad." His dresser was now completely empty and he stepped over to his desk. He pulled open the drawer and pulled out a handful of books. 

"What makes you say that?" Louis asked. Harry dropped the books in his duffel and dusted his hands off. 

"I don't know," He shrugged and moved back over to the desk, taking out even more books. "I want to see you doing your little cheer routines." He teased and Louis smirked, rolling his eyes at the ceiling. 

"Shut up." He drawled and Harry snickered. 

"I just realized I have a lot of books." He stated placing the last book in his duffel and zipped it closed. 

"You just now realized that?" Louis patronized and Harry grinned, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Louis rolled over on his stomach then sat up. "So, this is it?" He asked gripping the hems of the blanket tightly and Harry pursed his lips together, nodding. "When's your mum getting here?" He asked quietly. 

"Pretty soon I think." He said glancing at the clock then looked back at Louis. Louis pouted. 

"Already signed out?" He asked. 

"Yeah, signed the form after lunch." Harry said. 

"I figured so." Louis replied somberly. "When's your birthday?" 

"February 1st." He answered with a small smile. 

"Well, happy early early birthday then." Louis grinned and Harry laughed softly. 

"Aw, thank you, you're so sweet." He teased and Louis laughed. He sighed contently then gazed back at Harry sweetly. 

"I'm gonna miss staying up late to talk with you." His fond gaze turned into a sad pout. 

"Me too." Harry still smiled. "But if you ever can't sleep, just listen closely and you'll hear the stars singing." He whispered. Louis laughed softly and slugged him in the arm gently. 

"You're so sappy, you should write hallmark cards." Harry chuckled deeply. 

"I think I'll save my sappy remarks for the only person they're meant for." 

"Stop it!" Louis covered his hands over his cheeks to keep his blush from being noticed, but that only made it all the more obvious. Harry's fond little gaze wasn't helping either. Did he have to be looking directly in the eyes? 

"I'll be thinking of you." Louis blushed even darker. He leaned in and kissed him tenderly. Harry reached up and caressed Louis's cheek softly. They pulled apart slowly and Harry brought his hand back down to his lap. 

There was a soft knock on the metal door frame making them both jump back and Anne appeared in it with a smile on her face. 

"Ready to go?" She asked in excitement and Harry nodded, standing up. 

"Ready as I'll ever be." He said half heartedly. He picked up his duffel bag and slung the strap around his shoulder. 

"Oh, don't forget your blanket." Louis stood up as well and unravelled himself from the blanket. 

"Keep it." Harry said and Louis paused. "For now." He added and Louis looked at him questionably. "Because I want it back." He smiled making Louis smile. "I'll be expecting a text the second you get your phone back, okay?" He asked and Louis nodded. 

"Okay." Anne watched contently from the door frame as Harry wrapped one arm around Louis then kissed his lips sweetly again. Louis blushed furiously because Harry's mum was literally standing in the doorway watching them and they had only ever shared a kiss when they were in the privacy of their room alone! Harry stepped back and backtracked to the door. 

"Know this is a farewell, but it's not goodbye!" He sang loudly before walking out the door. Louis smiled sadly then pursed his lips together when he realized was the only one standing in the room. 

He looked down at the blanket in his hands and walked back over to his own bed, placing it down. He wasn't sure when it was going to hit him that Harry was gone, and hoped it never would.


	41. Chapter 41

It had been a week and one day and Louis was still feeling melancholy. He didn't mope around, but he didn't walk around grinning like a chimp either. He was just solemn and stoic, hoping Harry was doing okay with finally being home. 

Although Louis was still feeling somber, he felt like he was doing better. He and Dr. Wentz were still having their talks about anger management and ways to deal with that. The real problem was going to be when he actually had to put what they had been talking about into action. It's one thing to talk about anger management, but to actually manage your anger constructively was another. 

Louis was sitting in the dayroom with Macy and Patricia watching some old show he hadn't seen before. It was some reality show about guys going around and pranking random people. He wasn't really paying attention or even in the mood to watch anything funny. 

Half way through Louis got up and walked out of the dayroom. He walked down the hallway and when he turned to walk into his room he ran straight into someone, causing them to both topple over; Louis on top of the boy. 

"Get the fuck off me." The guy snapped through the grit of his teeth and Louis rolled his eyes, scrambling to the stand up. The boy was young, about 17 or 18. He had blonde hair and blue eyes that really stood out against his pale and dry skin. Louis looked over in dismay to see a duffel bag lying on Harry's bed. Or what used to be Harry's bed. 

"You could've moved too." Louis shot back and the guy just rolled his eyes. 

"Not with your fat ass weighing me down." He muttered walking out into the hallway. Louis flared. 

"Who the fuck are you calling fat ass?" He called out walking back into the hallway and the guy stopped, turning around. 

"You." He said wickedly and crossed his arms. They were only standing three feet apart and the guy had his back to the wall so Louis reached out, grabbing his collar, and pushed him against the wall forcefully. 

The boys smug grin disappeared as he gasped in fright. 

"What the fuck gives you the audacity to call me fat ass?" Louis demanded angrily and the guy fumbled for words. "Maybe you couldn't of moved because you're too fucking weak." 

"You moved just perfectly." The boy taunted and Louis grit his teeth. "But then again, you weren't the one being crushed." 

"I swear to God, you little asshole, I will not hesitate to punch you if you keep talking." He threatened.

"You're hesitating right now." Louis clenched his jaw and he tried to strain himself and think of things he and Dr. Wentz had talked about, but he was too fired up. He pulled back his fist, but just as he was about to swing none other than the angel in white himself, Dr. Wentz, grabbed his arm and yanked him back. 

"Louis, what the hell are you doing?" He asked bewildered. He let go of Louis's arm and Louis lowered it. 

"Nothing." He answered turning bright red and Dr. Wentz gave him a scolding look. 

"He was going to punch me." The guy stated seemingly un-phased. 

"He called me a fat ass and was making fun of my weight." Louis retorted and Dr. Wentz turned his scolding look to the boy. 

"Well neither of you should've done either of those. It is completely unacceptable to make fun of anyone's weight and it's also unacceptable to threaten to punch someone." He reprimanded sternly. "I mean, what have we been talking about for the past week and a half?" He turned to Louis. Louis grit his teeth and looked at the boy. 

"I am mad that you called me a fat ass when you don't know me. Plus we're both here for the same reason so I don't understand why you would stoop down and say something like that." He managed to say. It was harder than he thought. 

"Okay." The boy stated and Louis glared at him harshly. 

"Okay?" 

"Okay," Dr. Wentz stepped between them. "You can continue what you were doing and Louis, why don't we go to my office?" He said with a small little smile and Louis rolled his eyes. He spun around and Dr. Wentz walked behind him. They got to his office and Louis pushed open the door, walking inside to take his usually seat in the padded chair in front of Dr. Wentz's desk. 

"Who the hell is that?" Louis asked plopping down in the chair. 

"That's Aloysius-"

"Aloysius?" Louis interrupted. "That's even weirder than Orville." 

"Hey now," Dr. Wentz said seriously, but with a small smile. 

"Okay, but seriously, I have never heard that name before." Dr. Wentz chuckled. 

"Neither have I." He added making Louis laugh. Dr. Wentz pursed his lips together seriously and folded his hands together, looking at Louis. "Punching him under any circumstance would've been completely unacceptable and you better be glad I caught you before you swung at him." Louis just grit his teeth and rolled his eyes. 

"Okay, he was making fun of my weight, you're just going to let him slide with that? I mean seriously, in an environment like this isn't it kind of a given to not talk about others weights and make snide remarks like fat ass? I mean honestly, isn't this supposed to be a positive place where we're supposed to learn to be confident and feel good about our bodies? That's kind of hard to do when some guy you don't even know calls you fat ass and says "you weren't the one being crushed," when we ran into each other and fell over." Louis said angrily.

"Yes, and I will talk to him about it. It's his first day-"

"I don't think that's a proper justification." Louis interrupted.

"Need you be reminded you had quite a mouth on you when you first came here and you still do." Dr. Wentz countered.

"Oh yeah," Louis said scooting forward on his chair. "What rude comments did I make about anyone else's weight?" He asked sarcastically. "Who did I make fun of?" He asked leaning even further as if Dr. Wentz was talking but Louis couldn't hear him. "Oh yeah, none and no one." He sat back crossing his arms proudly. 

"It doesn't matter whether or not your sarcastic quips are aimed specifically at anyone, an attitude is an attitude, and the word attitude doesn't exactly have a good meaning tied with." Dr. Wentz said. 

"So having a positive attitude is a bad thing?" Louis asked sarcastically. 

"No, but having a bad attitude is." Dr. Wentz retorted smirking thinly. 

"I don't have a bad attitude." Louis said flatly. 

"No, you don't." Dr. Wentz said and Louis looked at him curiously. "Unless you're mad, but no one has a good attitude when they're mad usually." Louis just sighed and tilted his head to the side. 

"So will you talk to Aloysius about his little attitude? Because if he makes another comment regarding my weight or anything in anyway-"

"You will control yourself and not let your anger get the best of you because you're going to take what we've been talking about for the last week and apply it to the situation." Dr. Wentz cut in. "When someone makes snide little remarks and comments about you or towards you they're just trying to get under your skin and get a reaction. By getting mad and blowing up you're fueling their fire. Don't react and you'll be diminishing the fire." 

"That's a lot easier said than done." Louis replied softly and glanced at his desk rather then at him. 

"It gets easier each time you do it." Dr. Wentz said. "The first time is always the hardest and it's so easy just to let your anger control you, but if you can, just once, turn the tables and control your anger, it gets easier." 

"How do you know it gets easier though? I mean, just because I would control it once doesn't mean I'm going to be able to control it the next time something makes me angry."

"It's kind of like an eating disorder." Dr. Wentz said. "You never thought eating a meal would get easier, but it did, some times are harder than others though. You never thought talking to your dad would be easy, but after awhile it got easier and you were able to accept his apology. Sometimes there might be setbacks, it takes years to fully recover from an eating disorder. Just like there might be some times where you're set back and let your anger get the best of you, but it'll take years to fully learn and understand how to control anger constructively and healthily." He explained. 

"Isn't it healthy to let your anger out-"

"In a constructive way? Yes." Dr. Wentz quickly finished for him. 

"You didn't let me finish." Louis said in annoyance. 

"I didn't?" 

"No, you-"

"Sorry about that." Dr. Wentz interrupted. Louis grit his teeth and glared at him. 

"Fucking knock it-"

"You know, I used to have a friend back in high school who talked like that." He interrupted again. "He would just cut people off in the middle of their sentences or right at the end and it made me so mad that one day I punched him square in the face." 

"So what? You want me to punch you in the face?" Louis asked sarcastically and Dr. Wentz chuckled. 

"No, I-"

"Because you're really pissing me off rig-"

"The point is that instead-"

"No, the point is not-"

"To interrupt someon-"

"Like you've been interrupting me?" They both stopped talking and Louis smirked. "I know what you're doing, so will you please stop interrupting me when I'm trying to speak?" He asked and Dr. Wentz smiled thinly. 

"Since you asked so politely." He teased and Louis laughed. 

"So you're going to talk to Aloysius or whatever, right?" He asked after his laughter died down and the silence was deafening. 

"Why?" Dr. Wentz asked. 

"Because he was being an asshole." Louis stated. "And he called me fat ass, you're just going to let it slide?" 

"Does it bother you that he called you that?" 

"Yeah, it kind of does." Louis stated curtly. 

"Well, are you fat?" 

"What kind of fucking question is that?" Louis rose his voice and Dr. Wentz looked at him pointedly. 

"It's a question." 

"Well I'm not going to answer it." 

"Very well then," Dr. Wentz said. "I will talk to him, but don't let little cracks like that get to you-"

"That's easier said than done." 

"Everything is easier said than done." Dr. Wentz responded. "But comments like that are derived from self insecurity. People like to drag others down to make themselves feel better and by taking what someone says about you to heart you are raising them up on a pedestal that pushes you deeper into the ground." 

"And we all know how fun it is being stuck in the ground." Louis commented sarcastically. Dr. Wentz chuckled softly and nodded. 

"The worlds a critical place full of ridicule and judgement if you make it that. I know it's hard to hear someone make a rude comment towards you, but if you learn to just ignore them and focus on the positive things people like and say about you then the other comments won't be as big a deal as they once were." He said. "And don't forget to remember the reasons why you like yourself." Louis rolled his eyes waiting... "What's one thing you like about yourself?" There it was. 

Louis sighed. 

"I don't know." He shrugged. 

"I know I asked you this before and you couldn't think of anything, but I'm really hoping you can come up with something now. . .," He trailed off hopefully and looked at Louis with anticipation. 

"I like. . .the way Harry makes me feel about myself." He whispered slowly and softly. Dr. Wentz nodded slightly. 

"And how does he make you feel about yourself?" He asked and Louis just sighed. 

"I don't know, you know, good? Kind of confident and all, I guess." He mumbled shyly and Dr. Wentz smiled. 

"Well that's good, I'm glad to hear that." He nodded. Louis just pursed his lips together and turned his head down. 

He missed Harry. 

Later, after he left Dr. Wentz's office, he read a bit until dinner time rolled around. Louis walked out to the table to see Aloysius sitting where he usually sat. He grit his teeth and took the open seat across from him. Aloysius had his chin in his palm with his eyes focused on the table. 

The plates were brought out and Aloysius didn't move when his was placed down. It was a small meal of baked salmon, broccoli, and pasta with a little cup of pudding for something fun.

Claire walked in late and sat down in her usual spot. Aloysius looked up and snorted. 

"Wow, and I thought Louis was fat." He murmured. Everyone at the table silenced. Claire gawked at him in disbelief before blushing red. Feeling totally embarrassed, she looked down self consciously at the table. 

Louis was appalled. Claire had actually slimmed down a lot from when Louis had first came here and she looked amazing! 

"What the fuck is your problem?" Louis asked him sternly and Aloysius just shrugged. 

"I'm not the one with the problem-"

"Yes you are and that problem is called an eating disorder. Everyone here has the same problem and we don't need some asshole making crude remarks about our weight and appearance when you of all people should know what it feels like to have someone ridicule your weight." Louis said absolutely furious that this guy actually had the audacity to make snide remarks such as those.

"Just preparing you for when you leave." He retorted sarcastically and Louis scoffed. He scooped up some pudding in his spoon then flicked across the table at Aloysius making him gasp. 

"Hey!" He jumped up and Louis shrugged. 

"Oops, missed my mouth." He said in his impeccably sarcastic tone.

"What's going on?" Nurse Deb asked stepping forward and Aloysius grabbed his napkin, wiping the pudding off his shirt. 

"He threw pudding at me!" He said pointing an accusatory finger at Louis. 

"It was an accident." 

"It was not!" He exclaimed angrily. 

"Oh please, it was a little pudding. You called Claire and I fat!" Louis fired back. 

"It was an accident." Aloysius mocked and Louis glared at him. 

"You can't accidentally call someone fat, dipshit." 

"Both of you need to stop." Deb reprimanded sternly. "Sit down." She said strictly to Aloysius. He rolled his eyes and exhaled deeply before sitting down. He crumbled his napkin and tucked it under the edge of his plate. "Name calling is not acceptable. You're all here for the same reason, do not turn into the person who is probably one of the reasons you're here." She said. "You're supposed to be each others support group, support each other, sympathize with each other, make connections because you're going to be seeing each other for awhile -some more than others-and it's important that you know you aren't going through this alone, because you're not. If you ever feel like you are just look to your side and you'll see someone there who is going through the same exact thing you are. Embrace that because the greatest support you will ever get will be from those who actually know what you've gone through and are going through because they're still going through it themselves. Families are supportive and support you too, but they don't usually understand what it feels like to feel so low and insecure about yourself that you feel the need to starve yourself just to get the body image that makes you feel good. They don't know what's going through your head. They don't know how much pain you put yourself through. But you know who does know? All of you because you've all gone through it. So don't call each other fat ass, don't make snide remarks comparing someone's weight to another, be a good supportive person and embrace change and recovery." 

Everyone was silent. 

"Enjoy your meal now." Nurse Deb added before stepping away to her usual post. It was still quiet, except for the soft sound of silverware scraping against the ceramic plates. 

"I. . .am sorry." Aloysius spoke up, looking rather reluctant. "To both of you."

"I accept your apology." Louis muttered and Aloysius rolled his eyes. 

"So," Macy said in hopes of lightening the mood. "What's your name?" 

"Aloysius." He answered sounding rather stubborn. 

"Oh, that's an interesting name." Macy said and Aloysius nodded, pursing his lips together thinly. 

"I thank my parents everyday for giving me that name." He said sarcastically and she smiled. 

"You don't like your name?" Patricia chimed in. 

"Would you want to be named Aloysius?" He deadpanned and she shook her head. 

"Probably not since it's a boys name." She joked. "Do you have any siblings?"

"A seven year old sister and a 15 year old brother."

"What are their names?" She asked curiously. 

"Sierra and Cole." He answered sounding the utmost resentful. Macy smiled sweetly. 

"How old are you?" She then asked. 

"18." He answered flatly. "So is this, like, everyone?" He asked glancing around the table and she nodded. 

"Yeah, it's small." She said. "That's Mikayla, Eleanor, Patricia, Jhanvi, Claire, Pip, Annabel, and Louis." She smiled contently. "So yeah, this is everyone." 

"Interesting." 

"So, are you in high school still?" She asked and he nodded. "So is Patricia." Macy said and then she nodded. 

"Cool." He stated flatly. He still hadn't even touched his silverware. 

"Do you have a favorite subject?" Macy asked. 

"Math." Macy faked gagged. 

"Oh my goodness, I hate math. I was so bad at it." She laughed. 

"It's so easy though," Jhanvi actually spoke up for once. "It's literally just plugging numbers and variables into an equation." She said and Macy waved her off. 

"Okay, well when you say it like that it sounds easy, but it is not." Macy said. "I'm serious, I think I got at least a D in every math class I ever took." 

"Well, God doesn't give with both hands." Aloysius said and everyone looked at him curiously. 

"What?" Macy asked. 

"People who are intelligent usually aren't that attractive, and people who are attractive usually aren't that intelligent." He explained. "You've never heard that saying?" He asked and Macy shook her head. 

"That sounds like something Harry would say." She remarked and Louis perked up. 

"Who's Harry?" Aloysius asked curiously. 

"He used to be in here, but was released last week." She explained. "He's also his lover." She teased gesturing to Louis and Louis elbowed her in the arm hard. 

"Cut it out." He whispered and she just laughed. Aloysius, on the other hand, looked a little disgusted. 

"That sounds romantic, you guys can go out to dinner and not eat anything." He remarked sarcastically. 

"You don't know anything so don't make any snide remarks, okay?" 

"I know being gay is wro-"

"Don't even finish that sentence." 

"Wrong." 

"You're treading on some real thin ice now." He was gripping his fork so tightly his knuckles were just about white.

"Well if the ice is thin under you it's because the fires of hell are burning under it." Aloysius fired back. 

"Wow, that was so clever, how ever did you come up with that?" Louis exclaimed with the utmost sarcasm. "Look, I don't care if you think being gay is wrong or whatever, I'd agree to disagree, but don't slander me as a person because of who I am." He said austerely and Aloysius just rolled his eyes. 

"Plus my brother is gay too so I would also appreciate it if you wouldn't speak out negatively about homosexuality." Mikayla added in. 

"Of course, because people can only express their opinion if it's the right one." Aloysius said sarcastically. 

"There's a difference between expressing an opinion and stating it like it's a known fact. You know being gay is wrong? No you don't, you think that which is what makes it your opinion, so the next time you're expressing your opinion please remember to include the words 'I think'." Louis said keeping his tone calm, but strained. 

"Will do." Aloysius and Louis both rolled their eyes in unison. What followed was one of the quietest dinners ever. Even the other girls were quiet and didn't say anything. 

Louis was itching to leave the table and once he was done and able to leave Aloysius had only taken around two bites. 

He took a shower, read his book, and settled down in bed around 10. Aloysius had made it back to the room around 8:12. 

Louis turned his face into his pillow and pulled his blanket over his head. He was so thankful he had Harry to share a room with when he first came here and not Aloysius. Harry was so much nicer and funnier and Aloysius was a complete dick. 

He missed Harry. He missed talking to him at midnight while they lied together in bed and falling asleep in his arms or with his head on Harry's chest. He missed waking up and sharing a kiss even with morning breath and he missed sitting next to him at group therapy. He just missed seeing him everyday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aloysius is pronounced al-o-ish-us in case anyone actually reading this wasn't sure.


	42. Chapter 42

Needless to say, Aloysius and Louis did not get along. In fact, they didn't even speak since Aloysius's first day encounter. Louis wasn't going to waste his breath on someone who was rude, disrespectful, and thought homosexuality was wrong. Granted, everyone did have their own opinion, but Louis didn't want to associate himself with people who thought who he was was wrong. 

It had now been two weeks since Harry left and Louis was still moping around. He just wanted to leave and he should be leaving soon. He had been in the healthy weight zone for weeks now and he had maintained a healthy weight for a few weeks as well. 

"Can I leave soon or what?" Was the first thing Louis asked Dr. Wentz the second he was in his office for their usual meetings. 

"We'll see." Was all Dr. Wentz said. 

"Really? Because you said I should be able to leave soon and it's been two weeks, I think I'm ready." He stated and Dr. Wentz smiled thinly. 

"Well that's good." 

"And?" 

"And when you're ready to be discharged I'll let you know." He said and Louis sighed, slumping back in his chair with his arms crossed. "So, how have you and Aloysius been getting along?" 

"I don't know, we haven't talked since the first day he came here." Louis shrugged. 

"Well good then." He said and it was quiet. "So, what do you want to talk about today?" 

"Last week, when you said you punched your friend in the face because he always talked over others, what happened with that?" Louis asked curiously. He had been wondering all week about what happened, but whenever he was talking to Dr. Wentz he forgot or they were too busy talking about something else. 

Dr. Wentz smirked and forced a small laugh. 

"Well, I was pulled into the principals office, had a nice long chat with him, and ended up getting suspended for three days." He explained and Louis laughed. 

"You did? Oh my goodness," He laughed and Dr. Wentz smiled.

"Yeah, my parents were pretty happy to hear about that." He added humorously. He sighed contently and Louis swung his feet above the carpet. 

"So," Louis started. "What's your favorite animal?" 

"I'm not sure," Dr. Wentz thought for a moment. He sat back in his chair casually with his legs crossed comfortably and hands folded together loosely. "I'd guess I'd have to say dogs, puppies." He answered and Louis smiled. "What about you?" 

"I don't know, I always thought sharks were pretty cool." 

"Well that sure is more interesting than dogs." Dr. Wentz joked and they laughed. 

"I don't like dogs." He said distastefully and shook his head. "My ex Brandon has this hyperactive chihuahua named Pilot and the name is so fitting because that dog was in the air more than it was on the ground. The first time I went over he was jumping up on me and it was freaking me out." He laughed at the memory. He had always hated that dog. It never stopped barking, Louis didn't know how Brandon lived with that dog. 

"That's funny," Dr. Wentz remarked with a questionable expression. "My stepsons name is Brandon and we have a chihuahua named Pilot." He looked at Louis curiously and Louis felt himself pale. He didn't know why he paled, but he was most certain that he did because if there was one thing he didn't want to talk about with Dr. Wentz it was the possibility that he had dated his stepson for almost two years. 

"That. . .is a coincidence." He drawled slowly then bit tongue. Dr. Wentz didn't say anything, but just stare back at him in confusion. "Okay, so I dated Brandon who happens to be your stepson, big deal." He rushed out hastily and Dr. Wentz sat up straight, chewing the inside of his cheek. 

"You know Brandon?" He asked and Louis pursed his lips together tightly before nodding. 

"We dated for over a year and a half." He said quietly. 

"When did you guys split?" He asked. 

"Right before I was brought in here." He answered meekly. Dr. Wentz's expression turned a little inquisitive and Louis didn't know how to feel. This was turning so awkward. 

"Are you the boy who broke his nose?" Louis immediately smiled, laughing, then quickly recomposed himself. He didn't even know why he started laughing, he just did. 

"Um, yes. That was-that was me." 

"Why?" Louis swallowed thickly. This was so awkward. 

"Well, he, uh, he-I told him I was being admitted into an inpatient treatment facility for an eating disorder, he told me it was about time, we fought, he called me a lost cause, told me he had been cheating on me for a month, so I punched him in the face." He ended with a nonchalant shrug. 

"Oh, wow." Louis nodded then it was awkwardly quiet. "That is just baffling, though." He finally said making Louis jump slightly. "Because I've been married to his mother for over four years and if you just broke up right before you were admitted here then. . .,"

"If it helps, I had no idea his mother was even remarried or that his father died. He only told me his father left." Louis stated softly. 

"Yeah, well, I guess his fathers passing was hard on him." Dr. Wentz explained. "But seriously, a year and a half? Were you around the house often? I feel like we should've met." Louis forced a small smile and laughed softly. 

"Yeah, we usually went over to his, or your house after school and all. You have a very lovely home by the way." He joked and Dr. Wentz laughed softly. 

"Thank you." He replied smiling and Louis smiled down at his lap. "That just baffles me, though. Honestly," He added and Louis just shrugged. 

"Well now that that's out of the way," He said eager to change the subject. "Where were we? Oh yeah, funny pet stories." Dr. Wentz smiled. 

"When I was a little kid I had a little beta fish named Scooter, my parents had given him to me for my birthday," He started. "One time I was cleaning out his tank and before you can put the fish back in the tank you have to put one these tabs in the water to balance out the water or else you could shock the fish. One time I ran out of the tablets so I just put Scooter back in the tank and he tried to jump out at first. Then the next morning he died." He said lackadaisically and Louis laughed. 

"How responsible." He joked and Dr. Wentz chuckled. "One year my little sisters Daisy and Phoebe really wanted a pet hamster for their birthday, they're twins, and so my mom bought them one. Well, we all bought different supplies for a hamster and gift card to the pet store so they could pick it out and all. They got a white hamster named Max and he was the fattest hamster I had ever seen. He got stuck in one of the little tubes that attached to his cage. Anyways, they only had him for a few months before we noticed his fur was beginning to look rather ratty and we noticed a abscess on the under side of his left cheek so we took him to the vet actually and he had some infection in his cheek pouch and it wasn't good. My parents fed medicine him with a little dropper for a week before brining him back and the vet just thought it'd be best to put him down. So they put him down and my little sisters were devastated." Louis explained. 

"Aw, that's so sad." Dr. Wentz said softly. "I've never heard of a hamster having to be put down though." He laughed lightly and Louis smiled. 

"Well now you have." He joked. 

"When I was a little boy we had an American Eskimo named Bear and one day when my parents had friends over one of my fathers friends was holding him when he dropped him by accident. Bear broke his spine and we had to put him down which was sad. I was nine at the time and we had had him since I was a baby." Dr.Wentz said solemnly. 

"Aw, that's sad." Louis commented. "It's always sad when pets have to be put down." He added pouting. 

"Yes, it is, but that's life." Dr. Wentz just shrugged. 

"I wish it weren't." Louis said quietly. 

"I don't think anyone wishes it were." Dr. Wentz joked and Louis nodded. "An old friend of mine actually had a dog that got run over by a car the day they brought him home." 

"Oh my goodness, that's awful." Louis gasped. 

"Yeah, it is." He nodded. "Anyway, enough with this morbid topic," He laughed lightheartedly. "So, how have you been feeling?" 

"Like I'm ready to leave." Louis stated and he chuckled. 

"Doesn't everyone?" Louis just sat there stoically. 

"Seriously, when can I leave?" He asked. 

"We already talked about it." 

"Well I'm not done talking about it." Louis said bluntly. "Isn't there something to like measure out my progress and kind of estimate when I can leave or am ready to leave?" 

"Yes, there is." Dr. Wentz nodded. 

"So?" Louis asked in anticipation. "What's the estimation?" He asked and Dr. Wentz sighed. 

"Within the next week or so. It's still a little unclear. At least within this month you will be discharged." He said and Louis broke out into a large grin. 

"Really?!" He asked with excitement and   
Dr. Wentz smiled. 

"Yes." He nodded. 

"You do realize there's only, like, one week left in January, right?" 

"Then it'll probably be the beginning the February." Dr. Wentz corrected and Louis sighed, crossing his arms. 

"Way to crush my excitement." He mumbled and Dr. Wentz chuckled. 

"That's still coming up before you know it, don't let your excitement die so soon." 

"Well if there's one thing about me, it's that my emotions fluctuate pretty rapidly." Louis joked and Dr. Wentz laughed. 

"As should any adolescents." 

"I'm an adult actually." Louis corrected. 

"Well I stand corrected then." 

"Yes you do." 

-

The next day Louis sat eating lunch quietly and talking with Mikayla and Macy about chaotic driving stories. Apparently Macy once crashed a go-kart and the attendants had to shut down the entire track. 

"How did you even crash?" Mikayla asked and Louis chuckled. He picked up a celery stick and dipped it in his ranch. 

"Well I was going around a sharp turn and the guy behind me rear ended me and I jerked to the right so it wasn't my fault." Macy said chortling. 

"One time when I was in drivers ed I was driving down a street with a lot of trees and there was traffic light I didn't see so the instructor had to slam on the break or else I probably would've blown through the red light and either got blind sided, or blind sided someone else." Louis said with a laugh.

"One time my friends and I were driving to a new super market that had opened and I pulled into the turn lane to turn into the parking lot, but it wasn't actually the turn lane, it was a lane to do a U-turn and the actual turn lane was up further. So I could've just pulled up further to the turn lane, but I was an idiot and swerved back into the lane and almost drove this other person off the road." Mikayla added and they all laughed. 

"Safe to say none of us should ever be behind the wheel." Macy joked. Louis sighed contently and rested his chin in his palm. He glanced down the rest of the table where everyone else was talking idly. Aloysius was even talking to Pip. Louis figured they might get along. 

Mikayla, who was sitting in front of Macy and Louis, glanced up behind them, but Louis paid no mind until a hand landed on his shoulder, making him jump. 

He turned over his shoulder and his face just lit up at the sight of Harry. 

"Harry!" He exclaimed joyously and Harry smiled. He was wearing black jeans and another button shirt like he usually did. He had also gotten a hair cut and his hair was remarkably shorter. "What are you doing back here?" 

"Well, I came to visit you, but they said you were still eating lunch and Dr. Wentz said I could come back for a little." He explained with a smile. He leaned down and kissed him sweetly and Louis's heart just about exploded with affection. He just kissed him in front of everyone!

Louis smiled at him happily and Harry pulled out the empty chair beside him and sat down. 

"So, how have you been doing?" Harry asked him sweetly. 

"Okay." He shrugged. "But what about you? How have you been doing?" He asked turning his back to Macy who was listening in. 

"Pretty good," Harry said with a nod. "It was a little hard the first few days being home, but it got better and I feel a lot better." He smiled

"That's good." Louis was absolutely thrilled that Harry was doing so well. 

"I miss you though," He added and Louis pursed his lips together. 

"I miss you too." He whispered softly. Harry reached over and squeezed his knee gently. "So, who's that?" He asked gesturing subtly to Aloysius who sat at the opposite end of the table. Louis rolled his eyes. 

"His names Aloysius-"

"Al-what?" Harry interrupted and Louis laughed. 

"Aloysius, I know." He chuckled. "He's such an asshole though and we have to share room now too, it sucks. He's been here for a week." Louis said making Harry smile. 

"He's actually pretty nice." Macy piped in quietly. 

"You're not getting into any trouble, are you?" Harry teased and Louis nudged him. 

"No, and he's not nice, he called me fat ass and made fun of mine and Claire's weight, and he said that being gay is wrong." He whispered. 

"He also apologized," Macy cut in and Louis jut his elbow back to elbow her. 

"He wasn't sincere." 

"It doesn't matter," Harry said. "Because you look amazing and healthy and that's something he's still striving for, he probably just feels scared and inferior." He added making Louis smile. "Don't let it get to you." He grinned. Louis rolled his eyes, picked up a carrot, and dipped it in the ranch as well. 

"Thanks, now nothing anyone ever says about me will get to me." He said sarcastically and Harry chuckled. 

"You know what I mean." Louis nodded and crunched on his carrot. 

"So, what have you been up to?" 

"Oh, you know, eating," He joked and Louis smiled. "Not much really, going to the gym, reading believe it or not, helping my mum around the house." He said with a shrug. 

"What a handy man." Louis teased and he laughed. It felt like it had two weeks ago before Harry had left. He, Harry, Mikayala, and Macy all talked casually until they finished. When they were finished their plates were taken away and Harry followed him back to the room. Louis sat on the bed with his legs crossed and Harry sat on the edge with his legs stretched across the floor. 

"So, any idea on when you might be released?" Harry asked softly. 

"Soon." Louis nodded. "Like, within the beginning of February." He added and Harry grinned. 

"Good," Louis smiled. "You look amazing by the way." He added and Louis blushed, feeling his cheeks heat up. 

"Shut up," He said modestly and Harry chuckled softly. 

"Nope, I can not shut up, as hard as I try."

"Well. . .you look better. I like your haircut. It's so much shorter." He reached out to touch his hair because it just looked to fluffy and soft. 

"I kind of liked it longer, it feels too short." Harry commented and Louis just ran his fingers through his hair. 

"I like it shorter." He replied with a small smile. They were sitting so close, it made both of their hearts flutter. He still had his fingers in his hair, it was just so soft.

"Oh yeah, pull harder." Harry moaned jokingly before starting to laugh. Louis pulled his hand back and slapped him in the chest. 

"Knock it off," Harry's laughter died down and he smirked cheekily. "Now we know what kind of person you are," Louis rolled his eyes and Harry chuckled. 

"Oh come on, don't you have any kinks?" 

"Pulling hair is one of your kinks?" Louis asked and Harry shrugged. 

"No, I wouldn't consider it a kink of mine," He said and Louis laughed. "But I do like it," He smirked mischievously. 

"You're weird." Louis teased and Harry scoffed. 

"I'm weird? There are some people out there who shove their entire fists up people's assholes." He exclaimed and Louis grimaced. 

"That hurts just thinking about it." He mumbled shaking his head and Harry laughed, endeared. 

"So...," He trailed off before breaking down with guilty laughter and Louis looked at him questionably.

"What?" Harry was blushing. 

"Nothing." Louis huffed and Harry looked down at his lap guiltily. 

"No, tell me." Harry just laughed forcefully. 

"Nothing, I was just gonna ask something-"

"What? You can't just tell me that than not ask." Louis stated. 

"No, no, it's too audacious and inappropriate." Harry shook his head and Louis gave him a skeptical glare. 

"Now I just want to know even more!" He exclaimed making Harry laugh. 

"Well...I was just wondering since we're talking about kinks and all what your...preference was." He admitted before unintentionally turning bright red. Louis looked at him quizzically. 

"My preference for what?" Harry opened his mouth to speak, but the only thing that came out was laughter. 

"Like...higher elevation or lower elevation?" Louis was just completely confused now. 

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Harry just laughed again.

"Top or bottom?" He blurted out and Louis scoffed a laugh. 

"Wow, I haven't seen you in two weeks and these are the questions you ask me?" He asked in amusement and Harry laughed. 

"I'm just teasing you, sweetheart." He said reaching out to grab his wrist and Louis rolled his eyes at him. 

"How many people have you slept with?" He then asked curiously. Harry scoffed in imitation of Louis. 

"I haven't seen you in two weeks and these are the questions you ask me?" He mimicked and Louis gave him a condescending look. "Only three, but it was awhile go back in high school." He said and Louis's expression softened. "I've done some things in my life that I regret." He added solemnly. Louis squeezed his hand. 

"I've never actually slept with anyone before." He admitted in a bit of embarrassment.

"You're a virgin?" Louis nodded. 

"That's what I was saying, but thanks for clarifying." Harry laughed. 

"Hey, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin." He stated. "I wish I still were, I regret the mistakes I made." Louis looked up at him solemnly. 

"But what kind of life are living if you haven't done anything you regret?" He added with a smile and Harry looked down at him a simper smile. 

"I. . .can't wait for you to be released." He whispered sweetly. 

"Neither can I." Louis joked. In that moment, Aloysius walked into the room, look at them, then rolled his eyes and made a face. 

"Hello," Harry greeted and Louis hit his arm. "I'm Harry." Aloysius just walked over to his bed and sat down. 

"I know." Harry looked back at Louis.

"Macy." He clarified rolling his eyes and Harry smiled in amusement. He looked back over at Aloysius who suddenly had a book in his hands. Oh dear lord…

"Hey, what book are you reading?" Harry asked and Louis face palmed himself. 

"The Shining by Steven King." Aloysius answered flatly. 

"Oh, I love that book." Harry said in excitement. "Have you seen the movie?" He nodded. "The old or new version?" 

"Both." 

"Me too." Harry grinned. "I like the newer version more, though, it's so much more better." 

"Me too. The older version is pretty good too, but I prefer the newer version, it follows the book better." Aloysius said looking not as surly as before. 

"Have you read other Steven King books?" Harry asked curiously. 

"Only It." He answered with a shrug. 

"I haven't read that one, but I've seen the movie." Louis sighed loudly and slumped over, placing his chin on Harry's shoulder. 

"The book is pretty good, except it's long." Aloysius said. 

"Yeah, my aunt gave me a copy and it was so thick. I never got around to reading it though. Hey, have you ever read any Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child novels?" Harry asked. 

"No, I don't think so." 

"Well if you ever get the chance, you should. You should read Relic, it is so good. And the authors have this reoccurring character, Pendergast, who has the same name as you. 

"What?" Louis spoke up. "Pendergast's first name isn't Aloysius." He stated and Harry turned to him, nodding. 

"Yes it is, it's literally in the second or third chapter of Brimstone." He told him. 

"Oh." 

"Yeah," Harry turned back to Aloysius. "But you should read it, it's amazing. I've read it four times." 

"You've read it three times." Louis corrected. 

"I read it a fourth after I was discharged." Harry said and Louis cracked a small smile. 

"Are you kidding me?" He asked in amusement. 

"No." Harry smiled. 

"I can't believe you." Louis shook his head at him. 

"Believe it." He teased. "But yeah," He turned back again to Aloysius. "You have to read it, I don't think there's ever been someone whose read it and didn't like it." 

"Well, I'll keep my eye out for a copy when I get out of here." He said. 

"Louis has a copy you could borrow once you're finished with The Shining." Harry offered. 

"Uh, Harry," Louis whispered. 

"That's okay." Aloysius said opening his book. 

"Suit yourself." Harry shrugged casually. He turned back to Louis and smiled. 

"Did you seriously read Relic a fourth time?" He asked and Harry nodded, his dimples piercing his cheeks adorably. 

"It's a good book." He said and Louis laughed. Harry reached into his pocket and took out his phone. "Lets take a picture." He said and Louis shook his head. 

"No, I look really bad." Harry clicked his tongue, shaking his head. 

"No you do not, you look adorable." He retorted bringing up the camera and holding out his phone. "Now come on." He wrapped his arm around Louis's shoulder and pulled him into him. Louis laughed and placed his hand on Harry's chest to push himself back slightly then smiled big and wide to match Harry's happy grin. "Cutie," Harry teased bringing his phone back and putting it in his pocket. 

"I could say the same for you." Louis smiled.

"I should go now, I have to run to the store and pick up a bunch of stuff for my mum while she works." Harry said and Louis pouted. 

"Aw, well, thanks for stopping by." Harry smiled at him before standing up. 

"You don't have to thank me, babe." He whispered softly. "Because I will be seeing you again very soon. I'll be expecting a text the second you get your phone back." He teased and Louis laughed. Harry bent down and kissed him softly before standing back up and Louis smiled solemnly. "I'll see you later," He whispered. 

"See you," He whispered back as Harry walked to the door. He flashed him a smile before stepping into the hallway. Louis sighed apathetically and fell back against his bed. Why couldn't he just be released now? He had been there long enough.


	43. Chapter 43

"Can someone name the different types of eating disorders?" Dr. Fairchild asked. Dr. Wentz was out so Dr. Fairchild was subbing in for him for group therapy. Someone whom no one really liked.

"Well, there's anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating." Patricia answered timidly. 

"Those are the most common, but there are more than just those three actually." He stated. "The acronym is OSFED which stands for other specified feeding or eating disorder and there's also EDNOS which stands for eating disorder not otherwise specified." He explained. "OSFED has five specific sub-types because it's defined as an eating disorder that causes serve psychological distress, decreased quality of life, functional impairment in such a way that the person does not actually meet the criteria for anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating." 

"So you can have an eating disorder without actually meeting criteria for one?" Macy asked. 

"Why yes. Any type of eating behavior that impacts you negatively can be defined as an eating disorder, or disordered eating. You can also be diagnosed with anorexia or bulimia without actually being underweight, which leads us into the sub-types of OSFED. The first one is atypical anorexia nervosa which is basically when a person experiences restricting behavior, but they aren't actually of a critically low body weight. There's also atypical bulimia nervosa. It's pretty much the same thing. A person may experience binge purging behaviors, such as self-induced vomiting, laxative abuse, or over exercising with less frequency or duration than what's outlined with the bulimia nervosa criteria. Those suffering from bulimia are usually not of a critically low body weight, but it can surely still happen and has." 

"I can confirm that." Eleanor joked humorously. She was smiling softly. 

"Binge eating disorder is another one where a person will experience binge eating behaviors without restriction with less frequency then outlined also. One of the last ones is purging disorder. It's pretty self explanatory, basically a person will just self induce vomiting without actually binging beforehand. The last one is night eating syndrome. That is where a person with be very restrictive during the day, but then take in 25% of their daily calories during the night at least twice a week. It's characterized by urges to eat at night and a belief that eating will help them sleep." Dr. Fairchild clasped his hands together. "Now that's not what I initially wanted to discuss today with you guys. Let's transition, tell me what you guys know about anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorders. It could just be what it is or how it effects your body. . .," He trailed off leaving them to fill in the rest. 

"Anorexia is when you starve yourself." Macy stated and Dr. Fairchild nodded. 

"Also known at restricting." 

"Bulimia is when you binge and purge." Patricia added. 

"And a binge eating disorder is when you eat large amounts of food without purging." Claire spoke up. 

"Precisely. So you all basically know what the eating disorders are, but do you know what they do to your body? Sure, you starve yourself or force yourself to throw up and see yourself becoming thinner, or take in large amounts of calories and gain weight, but do you actually know what you are doing to your body by doing those things?" Everyone was quiet. "Because there's a lot more stuff happening then just losing or gaining weight."

"Well, with bulimia it can, like, hurt your throat and all." Eleanor said and Dr. Fairchild nodded. 

"Anything else?" He asked looking around. "Well let's tackle this one disorder at a time, because each disorder has different effects. Lets talk about anorexia." He clapped his hands together. "The thing about anorexia is that it's a multi system disease, there isn't one part of your body that isn't effected by it. It has the highest death rate, the longer a person has it without treatment, the more likely they are to die from it." He explained. "One of the first things effected around 6 months after anorexic behavior sets in are your bones. Anorexia is usually developed in adolescents when your bones are still growing, but one of the most irreversible complications of this disorder is bone loss. The reason for that is that those with the disorder experience nutritional and hormonal problems which negatively impacts your bone density." He explained. "Pertaining to girls, how many of you had your period lighten up or just stop all together?" He asked. All the girls rose their hands except Claire and Annabel. "Why do you think that is?" 

"Well, lighter set girls usually have lighter flow whereas heavier set girls have a heavier flow." Eleanor explained. 

"So glad I am not a girl." Aloysius commented flatly and Eleanor rolled her eyes. 

"That is true, but not very much in this case." Dr. Fairchild said. "Low body weight, like you said, causes the body to stop producing estrogen in the female body which results in the stop of menstruation known as amenorrhea. And low estrogen levels also lead to significant loss in bone density which is why your bones become so brittle and fragile." He explained. "But your body, boys included, begin to produce an adrenal hormone known as cortisol which also triggers bone loss. Whereas low estrogen production leads to bone loss in females, testosterone deficiency in males can lead to bone loss as well." 

"So is there, like, a way to reverse that to make your bones stronger or something?" Mikayala asked curiously. 

"There is no way to get back the bone mass you've lost, but there are ways to make your bones stronger then they were. Nutrition is a huge part of it. Dairy is extremely important for calcium and so is vitamin D. Those both are important for healthy bones. Exercise is also important. Bone is a living tissue and it responds to exercise by becoming stronger. There are also some medications people can take if necessary." He explained. "Moving on from bones, another dangerous damage that is done by the disorder is done to the heart. As the body loses muscle mass, the heart also loses muscle at a preferential rate so that your heart gets smaller and weaker. It gets worse at increasing your circulation in response to exercise resulting in your pulse and heart rate becoming lower." He said. "The walls of your heart shrink, but the chambers enlarge. The pumping function declines with can result in a decline of blood pressure. Some organs, such as your liver and kidneys, are sensitive to blood flow and pressure so when it really begins to decline it can lead to the failure of those organs, like your liver and kidneys. Unlike bone loss, this is reversible. So with weight gain the heart is able gain and replenish essential vitamins and minerals it was once deprived of. But, if left untreated, it can lead to heart failure." Everyone was quiet. "Has anyone here ever felt lightheaded or dizzy when they tried to sit down or stand up or even walk?" 

"Well I'm basically here because I passed out." Louis spoke up. 

"I passed out at a rehearsal once." Macy added. 

"And that was probably because of loss of the autonomic regulation of the heart and blood vessels." Dr. Fairchild said. 

"And that means?" Macy asked leaving him to fill in the rest. 

"Sitting down or standing up requires multiple complex changes in the body. Our bodies do a lot of things that we are unaware of to help us function, such as those. One of those things is raising blood pressure by the constriction of blood vessels and a slight raise in your heart rate. Those reflexes are usually impaired in those who suffer from anorexia, though. It can even be lost. What happens when you lose that reflex is that when you stand up, or sit down, or even walk your blood pressure drops immensely resulting is dizziness, fainting spells, or lightheadedness." He said. "There's an actual name for it, it's orthostatic hypotension, also known as postural hypotension, and is defined as a form of low blood pressure that happens when you stand up from sitting or lying down." Everyone was quiet. "Now I could talk for hours about how anorexia effects the heart, but we don't have hours," He joked. "Those are some of the major effects, there many more other little effects." 

"Like, how many?" Macy asked meekly and Dr. Fairchild. 

"I don't know if you could put a specific number on it," He said. "But some of the common effects are mood swings, depression, constipation and bloating, lack of energy or weakness, dry or yellowish skin, pale skin, brittle nails, growth of fine hair all over your body, slow thinking or poor memory, headaches, fluid and electrolyte imbalance-"

"Wait, what's that?" Patricia quickly cut in. 

"Electrolytes are chemicals in the cells of the body that allow the body to function. They are critical to cells to generate energy, maintain stability in their walls, and function in general. The concentration of electrolytes is controlled by hormones manufactured in the kidneys and adrenal glands, such as estrogen and testosterone which are produced in the adrenal glands. They are present in fluids such as sweat, blood, and urine." He explained. "In anorexia nervosa, compulsive or constant exercising can lead to the loss of electrolytes though sweat during workouts. The vast loss of electrolytes can lead to dehydration, seizures, heart attacks, organ failure, and in some cases even death because it causes the heart to fail." 

"Geez," Macy mumbled under her breath. 

"Geez is correct." Dr. Fairchild nodded. "Transitioning to bulimia, many of the effects translate over, but with electrolyte imbalances, that would be resulted from excessive vomiting. When a person vomits regularly the stomach acid loses the hydrogen and chloride ions it once contained. Loss in those ions leads to the loss of potassium and sodium ions which leads to low concentrations in the blood. The body then creates further electrolyte derangements as it tries to make up for the lost sodium. The kidneys will then try to retain sodium ions at the expense of hydrogen ions leading to a serious condition known as metabolic alkalosis. That condition occurs when the bloods pH becomes to basic, exceeding a 7.4 acidity on the pH scale. That can damage body tissues and even result in death." 

"One thing always leads to the next." Macy laughed and Dr. Fairchild smiled.

"One of the major effects bulimia has is on the digestive system." He started. "Constant self-induced vomiting can take a huge toll on the digestive tract and system, starting with the mouth. The acidity of vomit damages teeth. It can cause enamel erosion, tooth sensitivity, and gum disease. It can also give your teeth a yellowish color and some pretty rancid breath." He explained. "It can also cause your salivary glands to become swollen which results in puffy cheeks. Chronic vomiting can also lead to a sore or swollen throat." 

"Can't that make it hard to breath, if your throat is swollen?" Macy asked. 

"It doesn't get that swollen." Dr. Fairchild laughed lightheartedly. "Now, a sore throat or stomach pain is usually the first obvious physical side effects of bulimia. The stomach also becomes irritated, and heart burn and acid reflux are common. The acid in vomit can irritate and or tear the esophagus. Chronic self induced vomiting can lead to the rupture of the esophagus which is why sometimes some people will find blood in their vomit." He explained. "And many people who self induce vomiting regularly have scarred skin on their hands and fingers. One way to induce vomiting is to stick your finger down your throat and that can scar the skin from being exposed to the acid in the vomit." 

"One time I self induced vomiting and I guess I tore my esophagus or something because there was blood in it and it scared the shit out of me." Eleanor said quietly. 

"It can be scary." Dr. Fairchild nodded. "Another dangerous thing that people who suffer from bulimia, and those with anorexia sometimes also, use are laxatives, or diuretics. Those who use them tend to use them in excess and it can complicate bowel movements and make bowel movement difficult without them. Improper use of diuretics can lead to damage to the kidneys. Damage to the intestines can also lead to bloating, constipation, and diarrhea and straining to move your bowels can lead to hemorrhoids." He said. "Another effect from frequent purging is dehydration which causes dry skin, weak muscles, and fatigue. Bulimia can also cause anemia, low blood pressure, and a weak pulse and vomiting can actually become a very violent event. You know, the sheer force of it can even cause some blood vessels in the eyes to burst." 

"That's sounds painful." Patricia remarked sarcastically and Dr. Fairchild chuckled. 

"Half the time you probably wouldn't even know it happened." He said. "Like anorexia, bulimia can also stop your menstrual cycle and it can actually really effect your reproductive system. Hormone imbalances and fatigue can kill your sex drive and if the ovaries stop releasing eggs conceiving a child can become very hard. Pregnant women who still binge and purge without getting help can actually face many other complications for themselves and their child such as gestational diabetes. They put themselves in the possibility of having a miscarriage, premature birth, breech birth, birth defects, and even stillbirth." He said lackadaisically. 

"Stillbirth?" Aloysius repeated questionably. 

"Giving birth to a still child." Dr. Fairchild clarified. "A dead baby." He clarified even more. 

"My mums friend was pregnant with twins and I'm not sure what exactly happened, but she gave birth to one twin and the other was a stillbirth." Patricia said solemnly.

"That's sad." Macy commented. 

"It is tragic." Dr. Fairchild added. "But all we can do is pray for the unborn and the mothers who lost them." 

"And if we don't pray?" Pip piped in. 

"Then just keep them in your thoughts." Dr. Fairchild said with a shrug. 

"I never want to have children." She then said. 

"Are you kidding? I can't wait to have kids." Macy exclaimed.

"Hey, everybody's different." She said holding up her hands defensively. 

"I have never met another girl who doesn't want kids." Macy said shaking her head. 

"Why do you think abortion exists?" Pip retorted.

"I think it shouldn't." Macy replied sternly. 

"Well I think it should, who are a group of people to tell a woman what she can and can't do with her body?" 

"That can and can not is a choice between life and death-"

"Oh please, that's your only argument. It's a choice of life and death, life begins at conception, bla, bla bla," She mocked. 

"Life does begin at conception-"

"No, it doesn't. It doesn't have a heartbeat or brain waves, it's just cells, it isn't a baby-"

"If it isn't a baby then you aren't pregnant." Louis chimed in.

"You don't have a uterus so shut up." Pip fired back. 

"No I don't, but I have an opinion." Louis shot back calmly. 

"Your opinion is irrelevant. No uterus, no opinion." 

"No brain cells, no opinion." Louis rose his voice. "It doesn't-"

"Okay, let's settle down, yeah?" Dr. Fairchild said intervening. "Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, okay? We have no right to tell anyone that they can't have an opinion on something." 

"You're obviously pro-life." Pip rolled her eyes. 

"I am, but I used to be pro-choice until I observed an abortion that changed my perspective. But that is besides the point." He said sternly. "Getting back on topic, binge eating, or compulsive eating, doesn't have as many negative effects on the body as anorexia or bulimia, but that is not a reason to dismiss it as less important. Those suffering from binge eating or compulsive eating disorders usually have problems with high blood pressure and cholesterol levels. It can also lead to increased triglyceride levels which can result to heart disease. Some other effects that can result from this disorder is type two diabetes mellitus and gallbladder disease." 

"What's triga. . .trigly. . .that level word that begins with trig?" Patricia asked.

"Triglyceride?" 

"Yeah, that." She nodded. 

"Triglyceride is an ester that is formed from glycerol and three fatty acid groups. They are the main constituents of natural fats and oils, but a high concentration of them in the blood can increase the risk of a stroke and heart disease." He explained. He clapped his hands together and sat back, crossing his legs. "So that's basically what's going on in your body when suffering from anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating. Any other questions?" 

No one said anything or actually asked any questions so Dr. Fairchild then switched the topic to ways to maintain a healthy diet to get the proper vitamins and minerals the body needs. 

After that Louis retired to his room (along with Aloysius), and read his book peacefully until lunch time. After lunch, much to his pleasure it was time for his weekly weigh in he was beginning to grow so fond of. 

"Is wearing just a paper robe seriously necessary? I hate feeling so exposed. Can't I just wear my clothes?" He asked stepping out of the bathroom in the sheer thin paper robe covering down to his mid stomach and back. 

"You're not covering your arms around your stomach." Damien noted looking down at his clipboard. Louis rolled his eyes and did just that, wrapping his arms around himself to cover the part of his protruding little tummy the robe did not cover. 

Louis had noticed a little tummy forming, but not recently. His stomach hadn't been that flat ever since he was brought in and started eating three meals a day. If he were just at home and noticed it, he would've made sure to run an extra two miles and skip at least three days worth of meals. 

Since he wasn't at home and no longer in a repressed state, he wasn't as repulsed by it like he would be if he still were. He actually felt a little okay with it? One thing he noticed amongst him and the other patients is that none of them looked the same. They all looked different. In body type that was. Granted they were all at different stages of recovering from their eating disorder, but even then. 

He realized that when he stepped outside you didn't see the people who were in magazines or in the ads or on TV, he just saw normal people, and no one looked the same. Some people were thinner than others and some people were thinner than those who were thinner. Of course they didn't have an eating disorder though, that's just how they were built. 

Everyone is built differently and that's not a bad thing because it's what makes everyone unique. Louis was never going to find someone with the same, exact, veracious body as his. No one, not anywhere. 

It was going to take years for Louis to fully love himself and accept the fact that his body is fallible and flawed and he was okay with that.

"I'm serious." 

"Would you prefer to be weighed in the nude?" Damien remarked sarcastically and looked up from the clipboard with a smirk. "It is important to get an accurate weight." Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Whatever, lets just get this over with." Damien smiled and gestured for him to stand up on the scale. Louis huffed and walked over to it, stepping up on it. A few seconds later Damien was scratching his pen on the file and marking in his weight. 

"161 pounds and 3 ounces. Good." He said looking up and Louis just rolled his eyes. "You're going to want to maintain a weight centered around 160. Give or take." Damien added with a shrug. 

"Sounds fantastic." Louis said sarcastically as he stepped off the scale. It seemed like half his life he spent stepping on and off a scale. It was all about calories and scales, but now it wasn't. Now it was about being healthy, staying healthy, and being happy. 

"Oh, it is." Damien teased lightly. "You know I used to struggle with my weight too." He then added seriously. 

"If we're going to talk, can I change back into my clothes first?" Louis asked and Damien laughed. 

"Of course." Louis smiled thinly then stepped back into the bathroom. He dressed back into his clothes quickly, crumbled his paper robe in the trash, and stepped back into the room. "So, did you have an eating disorder?" He asked genuinely curious. 

"No, when I said I struggled with my weight, I actually struggled with my weight." Damien said placing the clipboard on the counter. "When I was in the ninth grade I almost weighed 250 pounds." 

"Oh my goodness," Louis gasped. "250?" He asked incredulously and Damien nodded. 

"Yeah, it was pretty bad, but that's the worst it ever got." He said. "I felt like I was alienated in school. People would see me pass them in the hallway and make snide remarks to their friends when they thought I was out of ear shot, but I never was. I don't think there was one day where I didn't hear someone make a disgusting comment to me in the lunch line. They'd make jokes about me eating the lunch ladies, or how I had to take up two seats at the tables because I was so big, or how I could hide food in the folds of my skin for later." 

"Well the jokes on them because you look amazing." Louis said before cringing. "I mean, like, you look normal-not normal, like people who have a heavier weight aren't normal, but-

"I know what you meant." Damien interrupted with a laugh. Louis just nodded and swallowed thickly. 

"So, when did you decide to, like, lose weight and all?" 

"That year, half way through ninth grade. Around December." He said. "I had always been a little bigger as a kid and it never really bothered me until I realized that I was not happy at all with myself or the state I was putting myself in. So I signed up for a gym membership, I got a trainer who I worked with, I went on a diet and improved my diet with more fruits and nutrition, and I worked out outside of working with a trainer. And I began to lose weight." He explained. "By the end of ninth grade I was down to about 210, give or take. People were still making fun of me though at that point, but then school was released and I had the entire summer to drop to 175." He said with a smile eliciting a small smile from Louis. "I had never felt more confident on a first day of school. For once I actually had abs and muscle and I was happy with myself. I don't think I heard one negative comment about me, other then, "Didn't he used to be that really fat kid?" and that was about it." He said and they both laughed. "So, you know, everybody has different ideals about what's going to make them happier, whether it be just happier in general or happier about them self. For me it was losing over 50 pounds of unnecessary weight, for you it was losing 50 pounds of necessary weight." He said lightheartedly and Louis smiled thinly. "And for my friend it was getting 5 seconds on the flexed arm hang in gym." He added with a humored chuckle. "And sometimes it's just wearing a piece of clothing that makes people feel confident about them self or happier." 

"So what did you do once you hit a weight you were content with? Like, what made you. . .not want to lose more?" Louis asked. 

"My only goal was to reach a healthy weight where I was happy with my body and myself. Once I hit around 175, like I said give or take, I balanced out my diet and how much I worked out so I could maintain it." He said. "I wasn't driven to lose weight I didn't need to lose because I didn't see myself as fat or obese anymore whereas those with eating disorders tend to see themselves as fat no matter how thin they are." He added. 

"I think everyone here can confirm that." Louis joked lightly and Damien grinned. Louis crossed his arms lightly and glanced around the small room. It was really white. 

"But hey, everyone has a rough patch they reach in their life and it's that patch that helps shape the future. Like, after I lost all my weight and was as unhappy as I was the world was like a whole new place to me. I made friends, genuine ones I'm still in touch with today and I even ended up marrying my high school sweetheart." He said smiling so happily and Louis smiled back. 

"Aw, that's so cute." He said warmly and Damien nodded. 

"Yeah, he was actually one of the only people who was kind to me before my dramatic weight loss and when I started sophomore year we grew closer and I found out he was bisexual and single so I mustered up the courage to ask him out and he said yes." He explained contently. 

"That's sweet." Louis said and Damien grinned happily. "So, if you don't mind me asking, are you gay or bi or. . .?" 

"I don't mind you asking at all, I'm actually pansexual though." He clarified and Louis nodded. "I fall in love with who I fall in love with." He said simply. "To me it's not about who you love, it's about how you love. Genitalia is just Gods way of accessorizing." He laughed and Louis laughed pretty hard. 

"That's rich." He guffawed making Damien grin with pride. 

"Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week." He joked. He glanced at the clock and let out a long low whistle. "Wow, we have been talking for way to long, I've still got weigh ins to do." 

"If you want me to leave just say it." Louis joked walking to the door that led into and out of the room. It was like a small doctors room. 

"See ya next Friday." Damien called out and as the door swung shut behind Louis.


	44. Chapter 44

"Saturday." 

"Saturday?"

"Saturday." Dr. Wentz nodded with a smile.

"Really?" Louis asked skeptically and Dr. Wentz nodded again. 

"Really." 

"Wow." 

"Wow indeed." He laughed. "We all think you've come a long way and are ready to be released." He said kindly and Louis beamed a smile. "So, you will have to call your mum so she can pick you up that day and besides that all you'll have to do is sign a few forms and you'll be home free." He joked. 

"It's about time." Louis laughed. "All I have to do is wait four days. Good thing I'm so patient." He added sarcastically and Dr. Wentz chuckled. 

"Of course. So that's really all. If you'd like to go call her now, you may. Other than that we don't really have anything we need to talk about." Louis stood up with excitement. 

"I'm so happy!" He sing songed walking out of the door. He went to the phone near the main doors and picked up the phone, dialing his home phone. 

"Hello?" Dean answered on the third ring and Louis grit his teeth. 

"It's Louis, is my mother there?" He asked flatly. 

"Yes, I'll go get her." There was a rustle on the other end and Louis tapped his foot impatiently.

"Hi Louis, how are you doing?" Jay asked thrilled to be hearing from him. He smiled.

"I am doing fantastic, actually. How are you doing?" He asked sweetly. 

"I am doing a-okay as well." She laughed softly. 

"So guess what." He said excitedly. 

"It doesn't actually rain cats and dogs?" She asked jokingly and they both laughed merrily. 

"No, I'm getting released!" He exclaimed joyously. 

"Really? That's fantastic!" Jay was ecstatic. 

"Yeah, so I need you to pick me up and all on Saturday." He said in a calmer tone.

"What time?" She asked and Louis bit his lip.

"I don't think it matters. One girl left at 10, another left at 1 previously." 

"Well, I have a doctors appointment that day at noon, so would around 1 work?" She asked.

"Yeah, that sounds good." He said happily. 

"Oh, I'm so excited! I can't wait to tell the girls, they're going to be so excited as well." She gushed and Louis laughed.

"I can't wait to see them." He said softly and leaned against the wall. 

"They can't wait to see you as well." She said enthralled. "So, I'll see you on Saturday." She exclaimed.

"See you Saturday." Louis smiled.

"Goodbye Lou," She said softly and he chuckled. 

"See ya." He said before hanging up.

Now four days couldn't of come any sooner. They were the longest four days of his life. He wasn't sure how he survived. His excitement was through the roof all morning, despite the sad round of goodbyes after group therapy was over. Then, after lunch, he was called into the Dr. Wentz's office. He never stopped smiling. 

"Well, today's the big day." Dr. Wentz said cheerfully and Louis beamed a bright smile. "All you have to do is sign these forms, we'll return to you your stuff taken from you when you were first brought it, then once your mother is here you are free to go." He slid the two papers in front of him and Louis clicked his pen eagerly. 

He signed on the lines happily, maybe even adding a little smiley face with his signature. He placed the pen down and slid the papers back over. Dr. Wentz smiled and picked up the papers, putting them in a manilla folder. He reached to the floor and placed a small plastic box on his desk. 

"Here is your phone and charger." He reached into the bin then held it out to him. Louis was all smiles as he took it. "And your laptop and wallet." Louis took the laptop, placed it on his lap, and set his wallet next to his phone on the desk. "Do you want your cigarettes?" He asked holding up the box. Louis pursed his lips together apprehensively then shook his head. 

"No." He said. "I think I'm going to give them up." Dr. Wentz smiled, nodding. 

"That's a good decision, cigarettes are nasty things." Louis nodded in agreement. "And I assume you don't want the lead weights?" He added and Louis shook his head. "Well, if that's all, then all you have left to do is pack your things and wait for your mother." 

"I can't believe I'm actually leaving." Louis said standing up. Dr. Wentz stood up with him and Louis shoved his phone and wallet in his pockets and tucked his laptop under his arm. 

"Nervous?" He asked. Louis nodded. 

"Yeah, but it'll be okay as long as I make it okay." He said and smiled. Dr. Wentz grinned then nodded. 

"There is a clinic downtown you'll have to check up in to meet with dietitians, other doctors, and continue therapy sessions." He informed. "But your mother has that information, just so you know." 

"I have to continue therapy and seeing a doctor?" Dr. Wentz nodded. 

"We don't just make you gain all your lost weight back then throw you out into a world of judgment and ridicule." A slow smirk spread across Louis's lips and he rolled his eyes. "It's just to make sure you're adjusting well, fulfilling your meal plan you'll have to set up with the dietitian, and not falling back into the hole you dug yourself in." Louis just pressed his lips together and nodded. He didn't want to continue therapy, let alone with a completely different doctor. Couldn't he continue his with Dr. Wentz?

Dr. Wentz walked over to the door with him and Louis paused before opening the door, turning to look up at him. 

"Thank you." Dr. Wentz smiled kindly and stuck out his hand. Louis disregarded it and tip toed up slightly, wrapping one arm around him in a hug. Dr. Wentz was stunned, kind of caught off guard, but then hugged him back with one arm as well.

Louis stepped back and nodded meekly. 

"You know, thank you for everything you did. I know I probably wasn't the easiest person to work with most of the time, but thank you for putting up with me and all you did with my father and all." He said sincerely and Dr. Wentz nodded. 

"And thank you as well, you aren't the only one who learned a thing or two that made you grow as a person." Louis smiled shyly. 

"Are you implying that working with me helped you?" He asked jokingly and Dr. Wentz didn't hesitate to nod. 

"It's not just a one sided thing. All the patients I work with help me as well in some way. You might've helped just a little bit more." Louis laughed. 

"Is that a nice way of saying I was difficult?" Dr. Wentz shrugged making him laugh again. 

"I've worked with a lot of different kids from those coming from abusive homes who refuse to talk to those who suffer from anxiety disorders and had panic attacks frequently. But you were probably one of my most difficult patients I've worked with." 

"Wow, I'm so flattered."

"Good, it was a compliment." Louis smiled and then it was quiet. "Well, I wish you the best of what the world has to give." Dr. Wentz said kindly. 

"You too." Louis replied opening the door. "Well, see you later." He stepped out of the room and Dr. Wentz chuckled. 

"I hope not." He joked making Louis chuckle softly. He turned his back, walking down the hallway to his room. He dropped his laptop on the bed and knelt down to pick up his tattered duffel bag from under the bed. 

He pulled his phone out from his pocket and turned it on. He placed the bag down and opened it up. Then he picked up his phone again and called Harry. 

He pressed the phone to his ear and walked over to his dresser, pulling open the first drawer. 

"Louieee!" Harry exclaimed answering on the second ring. 

"Guess what?" Louis asked excitedly and picked up his shirts before turning around and just throwing them in the bag.

"You're going elephant hunting without me?" Harry asked in feign disheartenment and Louis laughed.

"Nope, I'm leaving today!" He proclaimed happily. "I'm packing right now, I couldn't wait to call you." 

"Well I'm glad you did." Harry said and Louis sighed contently. 

"So, what are you up to?" He asked moving back and forth from the dresser to his bed, packing his clothes in it. Unlike Harry, he didn't fold his clothes neatly and separate his shirts from his pants, he just shoved it all in. 

"Getting coffee with an old friend." Harry said casually. "But she's talking with someone I don't know so I'm just sipping my coffee bored, but I'm talking to you now so I'm not bored anymore." He said with a smile. 

"Ooh, sounds fun." Louis joked and Harry laughed. 

"What time are you actually leaving?" He asked. 

"Well my mum should be here in about fifteen minutes." Louis said. "So 1. Give or take." He chuckled. 

"Hm, and are you doing anything particular at 6 maybe?" Harry asked and Louis bit his lip to contain his smile. 

"Oh? And why do you ask?" He asked teasingly. 

"I don't know," Harry said playfully and Louis laughed. "Maybe you'd like to go out to dinner tonight? Unless that's too soon, and if it is I completely understand or-"

"I'd love too." Louis interrupted and Harry was quiet for a moment. 

"So I can pick you up around 6?" He suggested. 

"That sounds nice." Louis said happily. "I can text you my address later." 

"I can't wait." Harry joked and Louis laughed. He had finished packing away all his clothes and placed his laptop on the top before zipping it shut. He pulled up the blanket and pressed his phone to his ear with his shoulder so he could fold it. 

"Any idea on where we'll be dining?" He asked excited that they would be finally going on a much anticipated first date. 

"Hmm. . .it's a surprise!" He exclaimed making Louis laugh. "Just dress nice." 

"Okay, well, dressing nice for me is different than dressing nice to other people." 

"Well just wear nice pants and a nice shirt." Harry clarified and Louis nodded, even though he was talking to him on the phone. 

"I'll try to find something." He joked lightly. He finished folding the blanket and placed it beside his duffel. He walked over to his desk and pulled out Relic, Brimstone, and his goofy little journal full of pages written with random things and doodles he drew out of boredom. He tossed it over to the bed then reached out for the letter from his father that was tucked in the drawer. 

He turned it over in his hands then closed the drawer. He walked back over to the bed and unzipped his duffel, stuffing the books and such inside on top of his laptop. 

"So, are you excited to be leaving?" Harry asked. 

"Yeah, but I'm nervous. Is it, like, hard adjusting and all?" He asked sitting down on the edge of the bed. 

"Kind of. Like, I'm still waking up before 8 am every morning thinking I'll be in trouble if I'm not downstairs eating breakfast." He joked lightheartedly. "It's not so much hard, as it is kind of weird." He then said seriously. "It's weird not having someone standing over you reminding you that you have to eat everything on your plate, and it's weird not having a set time to eat." 

"It gets easier though, right?"

"Of course, it gets easier with each day." Harry said sweetly making Louis smile. 

"Good." He exhaled tiredly. "I'm nervous to see my sisters too." He added. "And Dean." He grumbled. 

"I'm sure you have nothing to worry about." Harry assured and Louis rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah," Harry laughed. 

"Listen, I gotta go, but I will see you later tonight." He said with a smile and Louis grinned down at the bed. 

"See you later." He could practically hear Harry smile before they both hung up. Louis sighed contently and dropped his phone in his lap. 

Around five minutes later of just him and his thoughts, Nurse Ingrid and his mother appeared in the doorway with a large happy grin.

"My baby boo bear!" She gushed walking into the room and Louis smiled, rolling his eyes. Nurse Ingrid smiled as well before walking away. 

"Mum, please. I'm too old for that stupid nickname." He said and she waved him off. 

"You'll never be too old for it." She wrapped her arms around him tightly and he hugged her back. 

"Wow, you're really showing aren't you?" He teased and she laughed. 

"Carrying two." She joked and Louis smiled. "And guess what?" 

"I'm going to have even more sisters?" He asked in feign excitement.

"Yes, but you'll also be having a little brother!" She exclaimed and Louis grinned with excitement. 

"Really? You're having a boy and girl?" He asked and she nodded contently. "Good, I've always wanted a little brother." He said happily and she nodded. 

"I know." She smiled. "Well, it looks like you're all ready to go." She said looking at the bed. Louis nodded and picked up his duffel, slinging it over his shoulder and picked up the blanket. "Where'd you get that blanket?" Jay asked. 

"Harry lent it to me." Louis said and she just nodded slightly confused as to who Harry was. 

"Well, let's go home." She said and Louis nodded. They walked out of the room and down the hall to the main doors. Louis pushed it open, holding it open for his mother, and they walked down the stairs and out of the doors into the fresh and cool February air. 

"So how are the girls?" He asked as they walked to the car in the parking lot. 

"They're well, they're well. Excited for you to be coming home." She said. "The cars just over here." She added turning to the left and Louis followed her. He recognized her car and almost froze seeing another person sitting behind the wheel. 

"Why the fuck is Dean here?" He asked sternly and he heard his mother sigh. 

"I had an ultrasound appointment right before this so he just came along." Jay explained and Louis rolled his eyes. "Honestly Lou, you're going to have to learn to get along with him." 

"No, I don't." He grumbled. 

"Seriously, Lou, I don't need this right now. I haven't seen you in months, I know you don't like him, but could you please just be a little compassionate?" She asked. Louis took a deep breath and nodded reluctantly. 

"Good." Jay smiled and walked up to the car. She opened the trunk off the car and Louis tossed his duffel and blanket in before closing it. Jay got in the passenger side and Louis climbed into the back apprehensively. 

"Hello Louis, how are you doing?" Dean greeted kindly and glanced at him from the review mirror. 

"Well." He answered stiffly and Dean just smiled, starting up the car. 

"Well, I bet it's good to be coming home, right?" He asked pulling out of the parking lot. 

"Yeah, it's pretty good." He answered flatly and pressed his lips together thinly. The beginning of the drive was pretty quiet. Awkwardly quiet. 

"So, I assume you won't be coming with us to church tomorrow?" Jay asked and Louis shook his head. 

"I'm looking forward to actually sleeping in past 8 o'clock." He joked and Jay chortled softly. 

"Well, it starts at 9, so well probably be leave at 8:30 and be back after 10." She said contently. 

"Okay, sounds good." He said nonchalantly. The rest of the car ride was quiet except for the radio. They pulled into the driveway and Jay was just giddy with happiness. 

"It's so good to finally have you back!" She exclaimed joyously opening the front door and stepping inside. Louis smiled and kicked off his shoes as Dean stepped in behind him.

"It feels so good to be back." He said stepping forward into the foyer. He hefted his duffel bag around his shoulder and started mounting up the steps. "Oh, and I'm going out to dinner tonight, hope that's okay." He added nonchalantly. 

"Wait, what?" She glanced back up at Louis who paused and turned back around. 

"I'm going out to dinner tonight." He repeated with a duh look. 

"But you just got home after, like, five months. Don't you think you should just kind of stay home and adjust for a bit?" 

"I'm just going out to dinner, not a bar or a club or anything." He said feeling his anger flare up. 

"Who are you going out with?" She asked crossing her arms. 

"Harry." 

"Who is that?" She asked confused.

"He was my roommate in the EDU." Louis stated softly. 

"Is it a date or something?" She asked apprehensively. 

"Yeah." Louis nodded. 

"Can't you reschedule it or something for next week? I mean, I was thinking that once you got back we'd be able to have a family dinner finally." She said. 

"Can't we have it tomorrow?"

"I guess, but I'd like to have you home for a bit before you start, going out and all. I haven't seen you in over five months. Your sisters are really looking forward to you coming home." She said sternly and crossed her arms across her chest. 

"Well where are they?" Louis asked and Jay gave him a stern look.

"They're at friends now, but they'll be home later." 

"Well then I'll be able to see them and all when they get home." He turned to continue up the stairs. 

"Louis!" She called out harshly and he groaned, turning back around. 

"What?" He whined gripping the railing tightly. 

"You've just gotten home and you're already going out to dinner tonight? I think you should just stay home for a bit." She said wearily. 

"Who cares if I got discharged today and am going out to dinner tonight?" Louis asked crossing his arms and glared scornfully at his mother.

"Because I was hoping we'd be able to eat dinner as a family!" Jay exclaimed raising her voice. 

"Well we'll just eat together tomorrow! I already told him yes!" Louis shouted raising his voice as well. 

"I don't care if you told him yes, I am your mother and I'm telling you that you're staying home tonight." 

"I have to say, I agree with Jay on this one." Dean said speaking up calmly. 

"Well I don't care if you agree or not, I am twenty years old now and if I say I'm going out to dinner tonight then I am going out to dinner tonight, I don't care what you say." He fired back furiously and Jay scoffed at him. 

"Oh, so what you say goes now? Is that what they taught you in the hospital?" She asked cynically and Louis grit his teeth. 

"Jay, honey," Dean whispered to her softly and placed a hand on her lower back. 

"God, nothing I do ever pleases you! Has anything even fucking changed?" Louis shouted angrily. 

"What have you ever done that should please me?" Jay asked incredulously and Louis's jaw clenched as his anger flamed even higher. He scoffed. 

"I beat my fucking eating disorder!" He shouted absolutely furious. What has he done that should please her? Seriously? Was his mother just plain daft or something? "Does that not please you? Should I start starving myself again? Would that make you happy?" He asked austerely and she gasped. 

"No, of course not! That's not what I meant!" 

"Well whatever the fuck you mean maybe think about rephrasing it next time." He retorted angrily. "I'm going out tonight and that's final." He stated without negotiation even being a question then turned back around. "If you want to have a stupid family dinner then we can have it tomorrow!" He yelled back trekking up into the hallway. 

Practically seething fire, he slammed his bedroom door behind him and took a deep breath, looking around. It felt like it had been a century since he was in his room. It was just how he left it when he left to go into the hospital. 

A lot had to be changed. He dropped his duffel in front of the door and threw the blanket over to his bed. He went to his bathroom and turned on the light. Man, had he spent some long painful nights in there. 

His bathroom was small and square. It was a little squished, but that was the least of his worries. Under his sink was his scale. He knelt down and pulled it out, gazing down at it. He hated the piece of plastic with a passion. 

He stood up and went to the closet on the opposite wall. He opened the door and tip toed up to put it on the very top shelf. He might've even had to jump because he was too short to fully reach it, but at least that meant it was out of his reach. 

He turned to his medicine cabinet and took out the old box of laxatives he had. He never actually used them, but he saved them for just in case. He reached under the sink and tossed it in the garbage. He also dug out his diet pills and threw those away as well. 

He glanced at his full length mirror in the corner and exhaled. He stood in front of it and looked at himself. Louis titled his head to the side and smoothed his hand down over his shirt. It had been a while since he last looked at himself in this mirror. This mirror. The mirror he'd stand in front of and cry. The mirror he was constantly looking at himself, and not in a vain way. The mirror he shoved over in anger once and cut his hand on a broken shard of glass and actually punched so it cracked and random shards were missing, distorting his appearance. 

He looked at his body. His body that didn't make him want to cry. He didn't feel any sadness or repression. He felt a little good. He turned to the side and glanced at himself still. He turned back forward, and he smiled. He actually smiled because he felt content and confident and all around good about himself. 

He took a deep breath and stepped away from the mirror, walking back into his room. He went to his night stand and opened the drawer, pulling out the little notebook he would record everything he had eaten in detail and how many calories it all was. 

He chucked it into his wastebasket and stood back up. It might not have been a lot, but it was a lot to him. He moved back over to his door and picked up his duffel, walking back over to the bed with it. He took out his laptop and placed it on his bed then placed the books on top of his nightstand. He opened the drawer and placed his journal and letter from his dad in it.

He closed it then moved to his duffel, opening it wide as he began to unpack all his clothes. He picked up a few shirts and turned to his dresser, opening a drawer and just shoving them in. 

He moved back and forth from his duffel to his closet and dresser. There was a knock on the door before it opened and Louis turned around expecting to see his mum, but instead it was Dean. 

"Don't you dare invite yourself into my room." He threatened lowly. Dean nodded then stepped back out of the room, closing the door, then knocked again. "Go away." Louis snapped and shoved his dresser closed forcefully, causing the objects on top of it to shake. 

Dean opened the door anyway and leaned against the doorframe with his arms crossed. 

"I said go away." 

"It may come as a shock, but not everybody is going to do as you say." Dean shot back calmly and Louis grit his teeth. 

"This is my room in my house, if I tell you to get out, then fucking get out. You don't see me just walking into my mothers room or my sisters room." 

"Because you've been gone." 

"But now I'm back." Louis retorted. "So sorry to inconvenience you." He said sarcastically and Dean smiled. 

"It's okay." Louis rolled his eyes. He picked up his now empty duffel bag and walked over to his closet, shoving it up on the shelf above the hangers. 

"What the fuck do you even want?" He asked stepping back into the middle of the room with his arms crossed. Dean propped up away from the doorway and stepped into the room. "You better take a step back, I didn't say you could come in here." He threatened and Dean just disregarded him. 

"Do you really think tonight is a good night to go out?" 

"I'll tell you what I think when you fucking go out into the hallway." His eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared, but Dean remained calm and unphased. "Get out." He repeated sternly. 

"I'll leave once we're done talking." Dean said quietly. 

"We aren't talking, you're intruding in my room, and I told you to get out so fucking get out." Louis said raising his voice. 

"Intruding is a little dramatic." Dean shrugged his shoulders slightly and Louis scoffed. He took a deep breath and counted to five. 

"Fine, what do you want to talk about?" It sounded more forced and harsh then he meant it to, but...oh well. 

"Just, you know, is tonight really the night to go out and all? Your mother is so excited to have you back and she really wanted for all of us to be able to sit down and have a family dinner-"

"I'm not having a family dinner with you." He interrupted. 

"What is it that you have against me? Why do you dislike me so much? Have I ever done anything? Your sisters and I get along just fine." 

"Because you always bring them candy and shit, of course they're going to like you." Louis rolled his eyes. 

"I got those Rovers tickets-"

"And you actually thought I was going to go with you?" Louis sneered. 

"At that time I thought maybe you just resented me as your mothers boyfriend and it wasn't anything. . .that deep." Dean said raising his voice just slightly. "What is it? Why do you resent me?" He asked and Louis was quiet. 

"I don't know, you annoy the shit out of me, I don't want to be around you, I don't want anything to do with you. To me, you're just the guy that married my mum and you won't be anything more." He said sternly. 

"But what have I done to make you feel that way about me?" Dean asked curiously. 

"You married my mum." Louis stated. 

"So just because I married your mum you cannot stand me and want absolutely no affiliation with me?" Dean asked. Louis opened his mouth to respond, but then he closed it and scratched his head.

"It's not. . .just that-"

"It seems like you're mad at me also." Dean interrupted. Louis pursed his lips together and ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation. 

"I am mad. . .because. . .you took my fathers place and everyone has moved on except me." He said slowly. 

"Your mother told me about what has happened, you know, in the past with him." Dean said softly.

"Well, I don't see how any of that is your business, but whatever." Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Why are you mad that I "took his place", though? The things she told m-"

"Look, she might've told you about it, but you don't know anything. Okay? In case she didn't tell you, one of the doctors actually got ahold of him and invited to the hospital and we talked and all and I accepted his apology, so don't ask why I'm mad that you took his place." He told him sternly. 

"Okay." Dean nodded slightly. "Just know that I hope one day we will be able to get along." He said stepping back through the doorframe. 

"Don't get your hopes up." Louis rolled his eyes. Dean just gave him a soft smile and reached for the doorknob. He stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind him. 

-

Now Louis wouldn't have liked to spend his time home in over 5 months just in his room listening to music and getting resituated with his laptop, but he didn't exactly have many options on what to do. Until 6 that was. 

So around 5:30 Louis got ready, dressed in maroon skinny jeans, black long sleeve button up shirt that fit him nicely, and for once in a long, long time he actually styled his hair a little.

Once he was done he sat on his bed and waited in excitement.

But Harry never showed up. It was 7:25 and Louis was still lying on his bed without a word from Harry. With a heavy heart, he hefted himself up off the bed and grabbed his car keys from his dresser and walked downstairs. "See ya, I'll text you when I'm heading home." He called out walking out the front door. He didn't wait for any sort of response, just closed the door and locked it behind him. He didn't know where he was going to go, he just knew he was going somewhere.


	45. Chapter 45

Now it wasn't Harry's fault his car stalled and his mother wasn't home to give him a jumpstart and that he lost his phone. It was Murphy's Law. By the time his mum actually got home and was able to give him a jump it was already 7, and then he couldn't find Louis's house, and when he did it was 7:33 and he knew Louis was either going to pissed, hurt, or both. 

He pulled up to Louis's house and hurried up to the door. Jay answered and looked at him curiously.

"Is Louis here?" 

"Are you Harry?" Jay questioned back and he nodded. "He just left around five or so minutes ago." 

"Do you know where he went?" He asked. 

"I thought you two were going out together?" She asked in confusion.

"We were. I was supposed to pick him up at six, though, and my car wouldn't start and no one was around to give me a jump and I lost my phone so I couldn't call him and. . .Murphy's law is trying to make it look like I stood him up, but I didn't." He joke lightly and she smiled in amusement. 

"It's okay, I'm sure he'll understand." She told him sweetly. "But I'm not really sure where he would've gone though. When he was younger and all, a few years ago, he used to like going down to Double Ditch and watch the stars." Harry smiled in endearment.

"That sure sounds like him." He remarked and she grinned. "That's the place way down south, right?" He asked to clarify.

"Yeah, he liked to park in the fields a few miles passed Double Ditch actually where there isn't any light pollution." She explained. 

"May I maybe borrow your phone to call him actually?" He asked and she nodded. 

"Of course, that's probably a smart thing to do before driving all the way down there." She laughed and pulled her phone out of her pocket. She unlocked, pulled his contact name, then handed him his phone.

"Thank you so much," Harry told her sincerely as he took the phone. He turned to the side and held the phone to his ear after pressing the call button. On the fourth ring he picked up. 

"Hey, where are-"

"Out." The call ended and Harry pulled the phone away from his ear, looking down at it quizzically. Did Louis maybe just not recognize his voice or was he just that pissed? 

"Let me try calling him again." He said sheepishly and pressed the button again. He didn't pick up. And he didn't pick up the next two times he tried. Harry handed the phone back to her. 

"I'll just drive by and see if I can see him parked there." He said taking a step back. "Thank you, by the way. I appreciate it." He added sincerely. 

"Don't mention it." She smiled sweetly. "Good luck and be careful." She joked lightheartedly and Harry smiled back. She closed the door and Harry walked back to his car. Double Ditch was pretty far out. A thirty minutes drive almost. 

But he decided to go anyway. So, thirty minutes later he made it Double Ditch, but Louis's mum said he liked to go passed it. It was pitch black out, there wasn't a single source of light other than the moon. There weren't any other cars on the road. Harry turned on his high beams and drove way under the speed limit while scowering the fields to see if there was a car parked anywhere in them. 

He was just about to turn around when his lights reflected off the headlights of a car parked in a field. Bingo. 

Harry turned his high beams off and pulled off the road and onto the grassy field. He hoped to God that this was in fact Louis and not some psycho who was going to murder him.

He could make out a silhouette figure lying on top of the car which led Harry to believe it was him. 

He parked a few feet away and turned his car and lights off so it was pitch black. He climbed out cautiously and walked over to the car. 

"Louis?" He asked softly, still being too dark to recognize him.

"I'm mad at you." Uh-oh. Louis was lying on top of his car on a blanket with his ankles crossed and arms folded underneath his head. Harry leaned against the car and looked up at him. His eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness and he could actually see Louis. "How'd you even find me?" 

"Your mum told me you liked to come down here to stare at the stars."

"So you managed to find my house after all." Louis remarked sarcastically and Harry pursed his lips together uneasily. 

"Look, I lost my phone, and when I went to leave my car would not start and no one was around to give me a jumpstart, then my mum came home and gave me a jump so I was able to leave, but the I couldn't find your house and when I did you had already left." He explained. 

"How'd you lose your phone?" Louis asked questionably.

"I think I accidentally left it in the bathroom at Raley's because that's the last place I remember having it." Harry explained. 

"Don't you have a landline or something?" He asked. 

"Yes, but I didn't know your number because it was in my phone." Louis sighed. "I called you on your mums phone too, by the way." 

"That was you?" Louis looked at him. Harry nodded. 

"Oh." Harry smiled. "Okay."

"Okay?" Harry repeated unsurely. 

"Okay." He stated. 

"Can you please elaborate on okay?" 

"Okay, you owe me another date." Louis stated and Harry smiled. 

"I give you my word." He promised and Louis smiled. His eyes had fully adjusted to the dark and he could see everything pretty clearly now. 

"Good, now give me your hand so I can help you up here." He said sitting up. Harry reached out his hand and Louis took it with a smile. Harry climbed up on the hood and crawled up the windshield carefully, moving beside Louis on the top of his car, adjusting the blanket underneath him. 

They both laid down and cozied up next to each other. 

"You look absolutely stunning by the way, I love this shirt on you. You look amazing in it." Harry praised and Louis felt himself blush. 

"Trying to suck up I see." He teased and Harry laughed.

"You would've been hearing it even if I had made it to your house at 6." Louis smiled and turned on his side, wrapping an arm around Harry's stomach and placing his head on his shoulder. Harry smiled contently and wrapped his arm around Louis cozily. "Aren't you cold? It's early February and chilly out." 

"You think I come unprepared?" Louis reached down with one arm and pulled up a blanket that was bundled at his feet. He unfolded it and fanned it over the both of them. Louis snuggled up to Harry again and sighed contently. 

"I'm sorry, again, for making it seem like I was standing you up. I wasn't, I would never stand you up. I was so excited to see you and I'm so glad I actually found you here." Harry said happily. 

"I like coming here to look up at the stars because it's so far away from the town and there no light pollution so the stars are even brighter." He said in admiration.

"It does look beautiful out here." Harry said looking up at the night sky. 

"Constellation counting contest, go!" Louis exclaimed and Harry laughed. "I've already counted three." 

"That's not fair, I don't know any constellations!" Louis laughed. 

"So I'm gonna win." He snickered. "Five now." He taunted. 

"You can't win if you can't see." Harry turned on his side slightly, cupping his hand over Louis's eyes so he couldn't see and he burst into a fit of giggles. 

"Harry, stop it!" He squealed and wrapped his hand around Harry's wrist to pull his hand away. 

"Let's see, I see Orion, and the Big Dipper-"

"You can't even see the Orion this time of night!" Louis exclaimed still laughing and trying to remove Harry's hand from over his eyes. 

"Well it's there." Harry joked and Louis smiled. 

"Get your hand off me." Harry sighed over-dramatically and uncovered Louis's eyes. "Sore loser." He teased rubbing his eyes. Harry was turned on his side, gazing down at Louis fondly. He leaned down and kissed him softly. Louis's eyes fluttered shut and he reached up, pressing his hand to Harry's cheek softly. 

Harry pulled away and Louis smiled up at him happily. He brought his hand back down to his side and pulled the blanket up a bit to cover them more. 

Louis couldn't help it, he was so excited to be with Harry, he cupped his cheeks and pulled him closer again until they were kissing. Harry was little taken off guard, but no way was he going to complain. He couldn't believe they were actually sharing a moment outside of their room in the EDU. 

They kissed passionately and tenderly. It was so fulfilling. Harry's hand was on Louis's waist and his shirt was almost as soft as his skin. They pulled away, but let their lips linger only centimeters apart for a moment. 

"Does this mean we can finally say we're in a relationship?" Harry whispered and Louis smiled giddily. 

"I suppose so." Harry grinned. Louis removed his hands from Harry's cheeks.

"Well happy one minute anniversary then." He joked and leaned down to kiss him again quickly. 

"Aw, you're so sweet. But no flowers?" Louis teased and Harry chuckled lowly. 

"Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking." Louis laughed then sighed contently. They cuddled together and both stared up at the stars. "You know," Harry spoke up. "My birthday was yesterday." 

"Aw, it was?" Louis asked looking up at him and Harry nodded. "Well happy belated birthday." He said sweetly and Harry smiled. 

"Thank you, baby." He kissed his forehead and Louis's stomach fluttered. They laid there in comfortable silence, staring up at the sky admirably. 

The stars were so bright and vibrant and just so beautiful. They reminded Harry of Louis. He knew why Louis loved the stars so much, but he didn't quite understand. Sure, the stars were beautiful to look at and all, but Louis was much more beautiful to look at. 

He was Harry's star in a sense. And Harry wouldn't trade him for anything else in the world. 

"One time, in 8th grade, were doing our astronomy unit and my teacher made us go out every night for a month and record what phase the moon was in and mark down what constellations we saw and what kind of clouds were in the sky." Harry said. "It was so stupid." He snickered. 

"What? That sounds fun!" Louis exclaimed making Harry laugh. 

"I think I got a D on it." 

"Are you serious? That literally sounds like the easiest assignment ever." 

"Well, I forgot to go out and look at the sky a lot so half of my calendar where we had to draw in what we saw on the days was made up." He laughed. 

"Tsk, tsk, bad Harold." Louis teased. "You know what I want?" He then asked and Harry looked at him. 

"What?"

"I want a star." He stated making Harry snicker. "I'm serious. I want a star because even when I die I will literally lose everything, but that star will still be up there shining brightly."

"What if the star dies?" Louis rolled his eyes at Harry.

"You are such a Debbie-downer." Harry laughed. 

"If you had a star, what would you name it?"

"Louis, of course!" He exclaimed boisterously. "Because I'm a star." Yes he was. 

"Yes you are." Harry whispered and leaned in to kiss his cheek sweetly. "Hm, whaddya say we head out of here and go get some ice cream or something?" Harry suggested and Louis pressed his lips together apprehensively.

"But I'm so comfy and the sky looks so beautiful." He whined.

"The sky will always look beautiful as long as you're the one looking up at it." Louis practically swooned. How was Harry so sweet? And how was Louis lucky enough to land him? 

"Okay." He obliged sitting up. He pulled the blanket off them and bundled it in his hands. He scooted forward and slid down his windshield as if it were a slide. Harry followed after and Louis jumped down to his feet. He reached up and took the other blanket down, opening the backside and throwing them in.   
"Can I drop my car off at my house first before we go get ice cream wherever? It feels silly to take two separate cars." Louis said with a smile as he turned to face Harry. 

"Of course, I'll follow you back to your house." Harry nodded stepping over to his car. Louis grinned and climbed in behind the wheel.

Now the difference between Louis and Harry when it came to driving was that Harry followed the speed limit and Louis did not. Louis had probably arrived at his house five or ten minutes before Harry actually did. 

"Geez, could you drive any faster, Mr. Lead Foot?" Harry asked after had Louis locked his car and climbed into his. 

"Oh, and who actually drives the speed limit?" He asked buckling up and Harry pulled back out onto the road. 

"The people who don't want to get a ticket or in a crash." He said and Louis laughed, rolling his eyes.

"Stiff." He snickered. "So is there any place actually open that you can get ice cream at at 8 o'clock?" 

"Orange Leaf is open until 10." Harry said smugly and Louis chuckled. 

"You said ice cream." 

"What's the difference between ice cream and frozen yogurt?" 

"Uh, everything." Louis stated and Harry laughed. 

"Is it going to be a problem?" He asked in amusement and Louis shook his head. But sure enough, Orange Leaf was open and empty. They walked in startling the cashier and got their bowls before filling up with frozen yogurt of all sorts. Well, all sorts were available, but Louis only got vanilla and Harry only got chocolate and peanut butter. The topping bar they were a little more adventurous with. 

Louis got cookie dough and brownie bits with sprinkles and hot fudge. Harry got strawberries and blueberries and sprinkles and caramel and Louis didn't understand how any of those flavors went together. 

"You have weird taste buds." Louis teased. Harry had offered to paid, which Louis denied, but eventually gave in after five minutes of arguing, and they settled down at a little table sitting across from each other. 

"Maybe you have weird taste buds." Harry said taking a bit of his strawberry slice. 

"How do caramel and strawberries go together? Or blueberries?" Louis asked and Harry laughed. 

"Who actually puts sprinkles on before the fudge?" He retorted incredulously and Louis just flipped him off playfully. "Try it." He reached out holding a strawberry slice drizzled in caramel in front of Louis. 

"No thank you, I don't like strawberries." Louis kindly declined. 

"What? How can you not like strawberries? They're delicious!" 

"Some people have different tastes." Louis said with a simper smile and spooned some frozen yogurt into his mouth. "So," He said wiping his lips with his napkin. "Did you do anything special for your birthday?" He asked curiously.

"Nah," Harry shook his head. "Just went out to dinner with my mum." He said with a simple shrug. 

"That's nice." Louis smiled and Harry smiled back. 

"Sweetheart, you've got chocolate on your face." He laughed and Louis blushed, reaching up with his napkin to wipe his mouth and cheeks. 

"Is it gone?" 

"Now it is." Harry beamed at him fondly. 

"Oh, you have something on your shirt." Louis reached across the tiny round table and pointed closely to Harry's shirt. 

"What?" Harry glanced down and Louis flicked his finger up, hitting Harry in the nose. 

"Whoops." He teased and Harry smiled in defeat. 

"What are you? Five?" 

"Five and a half." Louis said smirking and he laughed. 

"So guess what's coming up 12 days." Harry said and Louis looked at him in confusion.

"A new moon?" He asked questionably and Harry laughed, shaking his head. 

"Nope," He smirked. "Valentine's Day!" He exclaimed and Louis rolled his eyes, faking a gag. 

"Ew, gag." He sneered and Harry grinned. 

"Oh, come on." 

"What? You already got something planned?" Louis asked and Harry shook his head. 

"No, but I mean, would you maybe want to do something? I know you don't like it, so that's why I'm asking." Louis sighed. 

"I don't know." He swirled his spoon around his bowl. "Ask me in 12 days." He winked and Harry nodded. 

"Will do."

"Don't get me anything." Louis then added seriously. Harry just smiled guiltily and didn't say anything. "Harry, I'm serious." He said and Harry just shrugged. 

"Harry," He whined.

"Hey, I'm not saying anything." Harry defended holding up his hands. 

"I'm serious." 

"So am I." 

"Harry." 

"Lewis." Harry smirked and Louis grit his teeth. 

"Harold, I'm serious, okay?" He said sternly and Harry sighed dramatically. 

"Fine." He whined. "You just like to suck the fun out of everything." He pouted and Louis laughed softly. 

"Sorry, sweetheart." He smirked bittersweetly. They continued talking and eating their frozen yogurt until they finished. Side by side they walked to the entrance and threw their cups away. 

The drive back to Louis's house was quiet other then their loud singing along to the radio that Harry found oh so endearing.

Harry parked in the driveway next to Louis's car and Louis sighed contently, glancing up at his house.

"Thank you." He whispered turning to Harry. "For tonight. I enjoyed it." He added with a small smile. 

"You're welcome." Harry whispered back softly. "And I'm sorry again about not showing up when I said I would." 

"It's okay." Harry smiled then leaned in slowly, pressing his lips to Louis's softly. Louis inhaled slowly and closed his eyes. Harry's lips were so soft and velvet-like. They were amazing, kind of like him. Amazing people had amazing lips. 

Harry's hand cupped his cheek and Louis smiled. He started laughing, though, and pulled away slowly.

"This is so high school." He giggled softy and Harry smiled brightly, nodding.

"I feel like we should be parked on a ledge named Make Out Cliff." He joked. Louis sat back and chortled quietly. He sighed contently before pursing his lips together. 

"I don't wanna go inside." He mumbled and Harry looked at him. 

"Why not?"

"Because my mum and I got into a big fight, like, the second I got home and I don't want to go in and face her."

"What was the fight about?" Harry asked curiously.

"She got mad when I told her I was going out tonight and told me I couldn't because she wanted to have a stupid family dinner." Louis explained crossing his arms stubbornly. 

"Well Lou, we could've gone out a different night." Harry said with a little laugh. 

"I know that, but I wanted to see you and I didn't want to have a stupid family dinner with Dean." He replied sternly and Harry laughed. 

"Hun-"

"And she said that nothing I ever do pleases her." Louis added.

"She said that?" 

"Well, I said "Nothing I do ever pleases you, has anything changed?" and she said "Oh, and what have you ever done that should please me?" so she basically said it." Louis said raising his voice slightly. 

"Louis," Louis looked at him. "I'm sure your mother is very proud of you, how could she not?" 

"Because she has four other daughters who haven't got eating disorders. She doesn't even care about me and she never has-"

"You know that's not true." Harry interrupted seriously. 

"And how would you know? What do you know about my mother?" Louis shot back and Harry reached out, taking Louis's hand in his. 

"I know that she raised a very proper boy who is very headstrong, kind, has a heart of gold, and has good morals he believes strongly in." He said and Louis bit the inside of his cheek. "You can't tell me you got those qualities from a mother who doesn't care. Plus I met her earlier when I came here and she seemed very kind." Louis smiled a little, looking down at his lap meekly. 

He leaned in and kissed Harry sweetly. 

"Thank you," He whispered and Harry smiled at him kindly. "Text me." He winked then turned to open the door, climbing out. Louis closed the door and Harry watched him walk up to the front door. He had a glorious backside. 

Harry started pulling out of the driveway and Louis opened the front door, stepping inside tensely. It was quiet and no one was within eyesight. Louis locked the front door and kicked off his shoes. Jay stepped out from the kitchen with a plate and wet cloth in hand. 

"How was your date?" She asked quietly. 

"It was nice." Louis answered with a small nod. Jay smiled sweetly and Louis smiled back thinly. Louis licked his lips then made his way to the stairs. Jay stepped back into the kitchen and Louis stopped mid-step. "Actually, can we talk?" He asked looking down into the kitchen.

"Yeah, of course." She placed the plate in the drying rack and wiped her hands. Louis moved back down the stairs and into the dinning room. Jay sat down at the table and Louis pulled out his usual chair, sitting down. 

"So, I'm sorry for getting mad at you for not wanting me to go out and all that." He said a little nervously. "I was mad about being told I couldn't do what I wanted to do and a part of me is a little nervous about being home and I'm kind of apprehensive about having a family dinner mainly because I'm still really resentful towards Dean." He added before looking around to make sure Dean wasn't within earshot. Not that he cared if Dean heard him or not. 

"I appreciate and accept your apology." Jay replied calmly. "I'm sorry as well for raising my voice. I shouldn't have rose my voice like I had, but instead spoke calmly. I just, you know, you're my little boy and I was excited that you were coming home and then you said you were going out and all and I felt a little. . .upset." She explained. 

"Well, I'm sorry, I didn't think I'd upset you by going out to dinner." Louis said biting his cheek. 

"It's okay." Jay smiled sweetly. "I'm glad we were able to talk about this without yelling at each other." She joked lightly and Louis chuckled. 

"Yeah, I've been trying to work on controlling my anger." He told her meekly. "Obviously it's something I'm still working on." He joked. 

"Well where's the satisfaction if you never have to work for anything?" Jay asked rhetorically and Louis nodded before silence swayed them both. 

"Another thing. . .," He spoke up timidly. He took a deep breath, pausing, then rubbed the back of his neck. He swallowed thickly. "Sometimes I feel like you don't really care about me as much as you do the girls or Dean." Louis said under his breath and stared down at the table rather than up at his mother. 

"What?" She asked softly and Louis just rubbed the back of his neck nervously again. "I know the past few years have been extremely tough, a lot has changed, and there are some things I should've done, but didn't," She started. "And I am sorry for acting a way that would make you feel that way, but I promise that I care about you so much and love you to bits, it breaks my heart to hear you say something like that." She finished solemnly. 

"Sorry." 

"You don't have anything to apologize for," Jay said. "But I love and care about you so much, and I am so extremely proud of you, I could not be prouder." She continued. "I'm serious. Like I said, these past few years have just been so hard and I am so proud of you and how strong you've been and how well you've handled it all-"

"Mum, I was just discharged from the hospital for having an eating disorder and I have a pretty bad anger problem that makes me blow up at the littlest thing, obviously I haven't been that strong or handed things that well." Louis interrupted meekly. 

"You have been so much stronger than you realize, honestly, I always worried so much about you. I feared you'd turn to substance abuse, or drink, or self-harm, or God knows what. . .," She trailed off softly. "But anyway, you have been stronger then you give yourself credit for and I am so extremely proud of you. I know overcoming eating disorders is extremely tough and-I just-I'm really proud." She finished with a smile. 

"Well, thank you." Louis said with a small smile and Jay nodded. 

"So," She smirked a little. "Tell me about Harry." Louis felt himself flush red. 

"He's really nice and funny." 

"Oh, come on, how'd you meet? I know you mentioned he was your roommate in the hospital, so I'm just curious as to how that all worked out." 

"I don't know," Louis shrugged. "We shared a room, we both knew that we liked each other and all early on. On Christmas they gave everyone their phones so we swapped numbers, and he was released a few weeks before me and when I was waiting for you to pick me up they had given me my phone back and I called him and he just asked me out." Louis smiled shyly making Jay smile as well.

"Well that's sweet." She said. "He came to the door right after you left and he seemed very nice." She added with a smile. 

"He is. He's very sweet, he makes me happy." He blushed down at the table. 

"I'm glad, I want you to be happy." She grinned. 

"Well I am." He exhaled and stood up. "Thanks for talking with me, I am exhausted now though." He yawned and Jay stood up after him. 

"Goodnight, sweetie. Sleep tight and I'll see you tomorrow." She kissed him on the cheek and Louis nodded.

"Goodnight as well." With that he turned around and walked up the stairs.


	46. Chapter 46

The next morning, believe it or not, Louis woke up at 7:55. He climbed out of bed and went downstairs where Dean was in the kitchen and his sisters were sitting at the table eating breakfast. 

The next week seemed to go by in a blip. All his sisters had school and his mum and Dean had to work so he was stuck home alone the entire day and he kept waking up before 8 which pissed him off because he wanted to sleep in. Waking up at noon would make the day go by a lot faster.

He usually just ate peanut butter toast for breakfast and managed to make something substantial enough to eat for lunch. His mother usually covered dinner. Dinner wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. He just didn't talk much. 

On Tuesday Harry came to his door at 11, still having lost his phone, and invited him out to lunch, which Louis happily agreed to. 

They pretty much spent every afternoon together. They went to the gym together on Wednesday and Thursday which was pretty fun, well. . .seeing Harry in a tank top and basketball shorts was pretty fun. 

Friday they didn't see each other, but Saturday was another story.

harry: guess who found their phone :)

louis: is it perhaps you? 

harry: perhaps it is

louis: hah where'd you find it?

harry: it had fallen between the seat of my car and the arm rest thing. Idk how it got there, but I'm glad I found it 

louis: well I'm glad you found it too (:

harry: so what are you up to?

louis: nm, just finished having lunch with my sisters and now my mum is taking them to their hair appointments then the grocery store then mall, you? 

harry: just lying around listening to music :) 

louis: I can't decide on what movie to watch 

louis: hey wanna come over and help me pick (:

harry: why I'd be delighted :) 

louis: yay (:

harry: on my way!! 

Louis smiled at his phone and stretched out on the couch while he waited for Harry. He played some games on his phone, checked his social media, and when there was a knock on the door he jumped up and practically ran from the living room, through the kitchen and dining room, then into the front room foyer where Dean was walking down the stairs to get the door. 

"I got it." Dean held up his hands, stopping on the stairs. 

"Are you expecting someone?" He asked, but Louis ignored him and opened the door, smiling up at Harry brightly. 

"Hola, mi amor." Harry greeted in a fake accent making Louis laugh. 

"I have no idea what you said except hello." He opened the door wider and stepped aside so Harry could step inside. Louis closed the door and locked it before turning around and looking up at Dean who was still standing on the stairs. Harry glanced up at him as well. 

"Hi, I'm Harry Styles." Harry greeted kindly and stepped forward, reaching out his hand. Dean walked down the rest of the steps and shook his hand firmly. 

"Dean." He said with a kind smile.

"Well it's nice to meet you, sir." Harry said and Louis snorted. 

"Did you seriously just say sir?" He snickered and Harry glanced at him, smiling in amusement. 

"Knock it off." He elbowed him lightly and Louis pushed his arm away. 

"Well, we're gonna watch movies in my room-"

"Is your mother okay with that?" Dean asked quickly and Louis rose his eyebrow at him questionably.

"Uh, yeah, I've been watching movies in my room for quite some time now." He replied sarcastically and moved passed him up the steps with Harry behind him.

"Uh. .okay." Dean nodded unsurely and Louis just walked up the stairs. "Be safe." He muttered before he could bite his tongue.

"Right, Harry you brought the condoms and lube right?" Louis asked bluntly. It was safe to say Harry and Dean were both red in the face. 

"Louis," Harry scolded. "Be respectful." Louis just rolled his eyes. 

"I'm just joking." He stated flatly. "You know all gays aren't obsessed with sex, we're just watching movies so you can stop freaking out." Louis turned and stepped up into the hallway. He went to his room which was at the end of the hall and opened the door. Harry followed behind him. He felt compelled to say something to Dean, maybe apologize for Louis, but he bit but his tongue and walked up the stairs.

"Well this is casa de mi." Louis announced warmly and Harry chuckled. 

"Thought you didn't know Spanish." He teased walking inside and looking around. "You have your own bathroom? Lucky." Louis laughed closing the door. "Before my sister graduated high school she would always hog the bathroom all the time and it was so annoying." He rolled his eyes making Louis laugh. 

"I think I deserve it living with four sisters." He joked. Louis's room was medium sized. It wasn't exceptionally small or big. He had his bed in the corner and a closet on the adjacent wall. Two dressers lined the wall opposite of his bed and he had a bulletin board that was just tacked full of pictures and other miscellaneous things on the wall his bed was pressed against. He also had a desk with a little lamp that was cluttered with pens, pencils, notebooks, and random papers. 

"Your rooms so cozy." Louis smiled.

"Thanks." He picked up his laptop from his desk and sat down on the edge of his bed, which was messy and unmade, but that made it more inviting. 

Harry kicked off his shoes and sat down next to Louis before turning around and kneeling up to look at his bulletin board. It was full of pictures of Louis and his friends. There were some Polaroid shots with cute little captions written by him. Most of the pictures consisted of him at cheer events in his cute little blue, black, and white uniform. 

"Aw, you look so adorable and little in your uniform." Harry cooed and Louis groaned.

"Ew, don't look at those." Harry ignored him. He even had some baby pictures tacked up. 

"Oh my goodness, you were such a cute baby!" He gushed eagerly. Louis laughed. 

"I said stop." 

"Like that's gonna stop me." Harry teased and Louis just rolled his eyes. 

"Do you want to pick out an actual DVD movie or something on Netflix?" He asked turning over his shoulder to glance up at him. 

"I don't care, whatever you want." Harry shrugged. 

"Fine then," Louis moved up to the head of his bed and pulled the blankets over his legs. "Okay, come on, stop looking at ugly pictures of me and let's pick a movie." 

"They're not ugly, they're adorable." Harry kneeled down and moved beside Louis on the edge of the bed not against the wall. Louis nestled down on his bed and Harry laid beside him. "You know what I just realized?"

"What?" Louis asked logging into his Netflix. 

"We spend a lot of time in bed." He said seriously before breaking out into a large grin. 

"Oh, hush up." Louis snickered. "Dean already thinks we're going to have sex up here." He scoffed rolling his eyes. 

"Oh, fuck, Louis!" Harry yelled out really loudly and stretched over Louis to bang his hand against the wall.

"Harry!" Louis whispered fiercely and shoved him forcefully, so forcefully that Harry actually fell off the bed and landed on the floor with a thud. "Don't fucking do that." He snapped. Harry was laughing, though, as he climbed back on the bed and laid down beside Louis. 

"It was just a joke." He sniggered. 

"And how the fuck is he supposed to know that? All he's going to know is that he just heard you fucking yell out, "Oh, fuck, Louis," and a banging noise." Louis scolded sternly. 

"He seemed nice." 

"Oh my goodness, shut up." Louis snapped. "What kind of movie do you want to watch?" He asked after taking a deep breath. 

"I don't know, something scary." He said resting his head on Louis's shoulder and watched the screen as Louis clicked on the horror genre, scrolling through the movies.  
"Nothing gross though." Harry clarified and Louis chuckled. 

"Define gross." 

"Like, really gory or anything that has to do with people being tortured. One time my friend made me watch this movie called Wolf Creek and said it was really similar to the Blare Witch Project, but it was nothing like it. It was disgusting and gross and just. . .blehh." He shuddered. 

"Don't worry, I don't like movies like that either." Louis said with a smile. "I know the perfect movie!" He suddenly exclaimed loudly and Harry smiled at him fondly. "The Conjuring." 

"Is it gory?" Harry asked apprehensively and Louis shook his head. 

"No, but it's really creepy. It's based off a true story, two true stories actually!" He pulled up the movie on his screen and paused before pressing play. "It's around 2 hours long almost so get comfy." They repositioned themselves so that Louis was lying in between Harry's legs with his head against his chest. 

Louis had the laptop situated on his abdomen so they could both see it clearly and Harry wrapped his arms around him cozily. Louis clicked play and the screen went black as the beginning credits started. 

"This isn't going to make me scared to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, is it?" Harry asked and Louis laughed. 

"It shouldn't if you don't believe in it."

"What's your denomination?" Harry then asked. "I know you said you were Christian and all, but I'm just curious." 

"Catholic." Louis answered and Harry nodded. 

"Interesting." 

"Yeah, what about you?" 

"I don't know," He said. "My mum and family are Jewish, but I don't really consider myself Jewish. I'm not really sure if I believe in God or the Devil that much. I kind of lean towards not believing it because it all seems contradictory and a bit much, but I'm not specifically sure."

"I find it hard to believe that God is a lie. Sure, not everything makes sense and not all questions can be answered, but there's just so many things that happen around the world that are just so phenomenal it's hard not to believe."

"Then there are the not-so-phenomenon things like war, and famine, and world hunger." Louis's forehead creased together in a frown. 

"I hate it when people use that as an argument. Like, "If God were real then why do people die of hunger and poverty? Or just die in general? If He were real then why would He let people struggle?" The Devil plays a part in this world today too." He huffed and Harry laughed softly, brushing his nose against the side of Louis's head. His hair smelled so nice. 

There was a gentle knock on his door and Louis groaned. He paused the movie before sighing in annoyance. 

"What?" He barked. Dean opened the door timidly. 

"Your mother says you're supposed to leave your door open." Louis gawked at him. 

"You fucking asked my mum about this?"

"No, I told her you had a friend over and she told me to make sure that you keep your bedroom door open if you were up here." He replied calmly. 

"Yes, well, my friend and I are kind of close and we're also not middle schoolers so just shut the door. If you don't I will." 

"Your mother-"

"Made that rule when I was fucking 16 and I'm 20 now." Louis interrupted sternly. "I get that I'm living under her roof, but that's not really a rule can you enforce on me when you weren't even around when it was made." Not wanting to escalate the argument any further, and feeling his own anger bubbling up, Dean pressed his lips together thinly before stepping back and shutting the door. 

Louis smiled triumphantly and Harry pressed a soft kiss to the back of his neck. 

"Can, like, priests get married and all?" He asked changing the topic and Louis managed a small smile. 

"No." 

"Why not?" 

"Because they're married to the church." He answered simply. 

"Well that's dumb." Harry said and Louis laughed. 

"Well they don't care what you think." He retorted. 

"Please don't become a priest." Harry teased and Louis smiled lazily, rolling his eyes.

"Well maybe I will." He stated and Harry turned his face into his neck. 

"But I like you too much." He whined squeezing his side playfully making him squeal like a little kid. 

"Sorry Harry, but I am a man of God." 

"Can't you be a man of me?" Harry batted his eyelashes at him and Louis laughed again.

"We're gonna miss the movie if you keep talking." Harry sighed apathetically.

"Fine, fine." He said looking at the screen. Louis smiled at him then turned his gaze back to the screen. They watched the movie peacefully other than occasional commentary and when it ended Louis lowered the screen. 

"Okay, can stuff like that actually happen?" Harry asked as they sat up and stretched a bit. 

"Absolutely."

"That's terrifying." Harry remarked and Louis nodded. 

"It is." He stated. "But if you stray away from psychics, tarot cards, Ouija boards, or anything dabbling in that kind of stuff you'll be okay."

"I'll remember that." Harry laughed lightly. Louis lowered his laptop screen and placed it off to the side. He snuggled against Harry, placing his arms overtop his. He sighed contently. "Why are you so rude to Dean?" Louis immediately rolled his eyes. 

"Why do you care?" He asked flatly. 

"Well, I'm just saying, I know you don't like him, but that's not an excuse to be blatantly rude to him." Harry said softly. 

"Who cares? He's rude to me too sometimes." 

"Well that's something you should talk to him about then." Louis rolled his eyes again. 

"I'm done talking about this now." He mumbled under his breath. 

"Louis, I'm just saying." 

"I get it." 

"You do? Explain what I mean then." Harry waited for a response, but Louis was quiet. "What I'm trying to say is that maybe if you were kinder towards Dean, and he was kinder towards you too, you'd both feel better." 

"Whatever." Louis grumbled. Suddenly Harrys arms didn't feel so warm and welcoming. "You don't know how I feel." 

"It's not that hard to figure out." Harry teased lightly and tightened his arms around him. "I'm not trying to criticize you or make you feel bad, I always want the best for you." Louis sighed then turned around so their bodies were pressed together. He looped his arms around Harrys neck loosely. 

"I know." Harry smiled up at him. "Hey, wanna make out?" Both of their eyes lit up as they both began to laugh. 

"Well you don't have to ask me twice." Louis leaned down to kiss him. Harry caressed his hands down Louis's back and smiled into the kiss. He loved that they could just kiss now. Sure, they shared some sweet kisses in the EDU, but they weren't in there anymore and they didn't have anyone telling them that they couldn't. When they were both in the EDU they felt like they had to hold it all back, contain it, but now? If they wanted to make out they could, if they wanted to sleep in the same bed they could (and they did), and if they wanted to fucking make love they fucking could. They could do as they pleased!

Louis laughed softly and Harry bit down on his lower lip playfully. They kissed sweetly, so sweetly you would think their tongues were dipped in luohan guo, the sweetest fruit on earth. 

Louis cupped Harry's cheeks softly, brushing his thumbs against his soft skin. Harry bravely lowered his hands more and squeezed Louis's bum teasingly. Louis just burst out into beautiful laughter. Harry wasn't sure if his heart could take it. 

"Got some happy hands, don't ya?" Louis beamed down at him and Harry shrugged guiltily. He rested his hands back on the dip of his back. "I...that actually makes me happy because...I feel comfortable with you and before I'd practically rip off a persons hand just for touching my shoulder." Harry grinned up at him. "But I don't want to rip off your hand." They both laughed. Louis moved and sat up so he was upright on Harry's torso. "I just feel so happy!" He exclaimed happily. "It's so weird, though, to feel this way. I just have this whole rush of emotions and I can't even remember when I last felt them. It just feels so gratifying to be here with you now! I can lie here with you and I'm not worrying that you're thinking about how disgusting I must be and it's weird because I feel like I should be thinking that, but I'm not. And I can sit here on your lap and not worry that I'm suffocating you or that I'm too heavy or...I'm not, am I? I'm not making you feel uncomfortable am I?" His bright expression grew meek as he bit his lip softly. 

"Louis, of course not." Harry reassured with a soft smile. "You're fine, it would take an awful lot for me to actually feel uncomfortable with or around you." Louis smiled shyly. It was quiet and Harry just admired up at Louis who laughed softly then smiled wider.

"I want to hear you say it." 

"Say what?"

"It. The phrase that you would've never said months ago." Harry smiled. 

"I do not hate my body." He announced slowly as a smile spread across his face. 

"You don't what?" Louis asked teasingly and Harry pinched his side playfully.  

"I don't hate my body." He repeated louder. 

"I don't hate my body!" 

"I don't hate my body!" They both laughed with each other to the point where their stomachs hurt and they were out of breath. Louis took a deep breath. 

"I also don't love it yet, but I'm still learning how to do that." Harry smiled at him admirably and nodded. 

"Amen, baby." Louis took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. 

"I'm hungry, want to go get a snack?" Harry grinned up at him and nodded. Louis kissed him sweetly before climbing off his waist and standing up off the bed. 

"I could go for a snack." Harry joked lightly. Louis smiled at Harry and walked over to the door, opening it. He skipped down the hall and Harry watched him in utter amusement. 

He followed him into the kitchen. They could see Dean in the living room, reading a book. 

"Mum and the girls still out?" Louis called out to him through the house.

"It's quiet. Do you think they're back?" Dean called back and Harry laughed. "They're actually heading back though, so they'll be home in a few."

"So, whaddya want?" Louis asked opening random cabinets and inspecting what was inside. 

"Well what do you have?" Harry asked leaning against the counter. 

"We have. . .chips?" He asked turning around with a bag of Doritos in his hand. 

"How fancy." Harry teased. Louis rolled his eyes at him and placed the bag down on the counter, removing the clip and opening it up. He took out a chip and crunched on it cutely, making Harry smile at him. He reached into the bag too and took out a few chips. "So how have you been doing? You know, home and all." He asked softly and Louis shrugged. 

"All around well." He said. "Kind of weird and all not being forced to eat everything and knowing that if I don't want to eat I don't have to." He added solemnly. "But well." He added with a smile.

"That's good." Harry leaned in and kissed him softly. 

"I still have to actually go through my clothes, though, because not everything fits the way it once did." He admitted sheepishly. "But how are you doing?" He quickly added in return and Harry smiled.

"Pretty well." Louis smiled back at him.

"Good." They both laughed softly. Dean had gotten up from the couch in the living room and walked into the kitchen as well. He placed his book on the counter and went to the fridge. Louis rolled his eyes at him behind his back and grabbed another chip from the bag. 

Harry didn't see him roll his eyes, he was to busy looking at the book Dean had placed down. It was a Lincoln Child book! Deep Storm. 

"You like Lincoln Child?" Harry asked. Dean closed the fridge and placed a jug of lemonade on the counter then reached for a cupboard with glasses. He glanced over his shoulder briefly.

"Oh yeah, he's one of my favorite authors." He said. Louis rolled his eyes again. Did Harry just have to talk to everyone he saw with a book? 

"Mine too. Have you ever read any Preston and Child books?" He asked leaning against the counter. 

"Yeah, I've read quite a few actually, like Still Life With Crows, Gideon's Sword, and Cold Vengeance." He told him pouring the lemonade into the glass. 

"Have you read Relic?" Harry asked and Dean nodded, putting the jug back in the fridge. 

"Of course, it's one of the top 20 thrillers of the twentieth century." He said turning around to face Louis and Harry. Harry smiled. 

"It's my most favorite book. I've read it, like, four times." He laughed and Dean smiled. 

"Hey, I've read it twice." He said and they both laughed. Louis rolled his eyes and tended to the chips, blocking out Deans annoying voice. 

"What other authors do you like?" Harry asked curiously. 

"I don't really have favorite authors, I just read whatever book looks interesting. But what about you?" He asked in return. 

"Well, Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child, believe it or not." He joked. "And John Saul and Steven King are pretty much my main favorites." Harry said with a nod. 

"Ooh, I've heard Steven King is pretty good. I've never actually read any of his books, but I've seen some of the movies."

"Well I highly recommend reading some of his books." Harry smiled and Louis snickered.

"Of course you do." He teased and Harry elbowed him playfully. 

"Eat your chips." He rolled his eyes and Louis snickered. The front door then opened as the sound of laughter and conversation filled the silence. 

"We're home!" Jay announced cheerfully. He could hear his sisters already stomping up the stairs to their rooms and Jay walked further into the kitchen, stunned to see Dean and Louis actually in the same room with clean hands. She smiled kindly, though, and placed the plastic bags on the counter. "Hello there," She greeted. 

"Good afternoon, how are you?" Harry greeted back and Jay grinned.

"I'm well, how are you?" She asked in return.

"Can't complain." He joked lightly and she laughed.

"So," She said reaching into the one of the bags and taking out a bag of frozen rolls. "Is there a reason you're all in the kitchen?" She asked in amusement.

"Well Harry and I were eating chips then Dean got a drink and Harry noticed his book." Louis stated flatly and Jay laughed again. 

"Speaking of which, I'm gonna head up stairs and continue reading." Dean picked up his book and carried his glass with him out of the kitchen. 

"I'm not sure if I told you this or not already, but I'm Jay." She said continuing to unpack the groceries.

"Well it's nice to meet you." He replied with a smile. 

"So how was the store?" Louis asked closing the chip bag. He walked over to the cupboard and put it away. 

"Very fun." She replied sarcastically and he grinned. "I want to run something by you." She then said pausing and turning away from the cupboards to face him, and Harry. 

"What?" He asked suspiciously. 

"Next weekend you and Dean-"

"Nope." He interrupted and she looked at him sternly. 

"Yes, you guys are going to bond." Louis shook his head. 

"Bond." He sneered. 

"Louis, I'm serious. This is important." She said seriously.

"And I am serious when I say I am not spending a day with Dean." He retorted crossing his arms. 

"Louis," She warned and he rolled his eyes. Harry bit the inside of his cheek uneasily and watched them both intently. "It's important for everyone that you learn to get along." 

"Or how about we just don't talk? It'd be a lot easier than getting along." Louis said sarcastically and Harry nudged him.

"C'mon Lou," He whispered softly. "It's not gonna kill you." 

"What if it does?" Louis muttered turning his gaze to the floor. 

"Then you'll never have to see him again." Harry teased smiling down at him and Louis cracked a small smile. 

"Cut it out." He elbowed him in the side. 

"He'll do it." Harry announced turning to Jay and she grinned with amusement. 

"Uh, no I won't." Louis said sternly. 

"Yes you will because you know it'll be good for you." Harry stated. "If you can make peace with your father, I think you can establish a peace with Dean." He whispered in his ear and Louis bit the inside of his cheek. He took a deep breath and sighed. 

"What are we doing?" He asked reluctantly and Jay smiled happily. 

"You and he can decide that." Louis groaned.

"We can go to a shooting range then." He said and Jay and Harry both laughed lightheartedly. 

"I don't think so." She giggled.

"Whatever," He sighed lackadaisically and stepped out of the kitchen, grabbing Harry's wrist and pulling him along. "We'll be up in my room." He let go of Harry's wrist.

"Keep your door open." Jay called out to him.

"I am 20 fucking years old." He shouted back walking up the stairs with Harry right behind him. 

"And your four younger sisters are in this house!" She yelled back. 

"So I should probably keep my door shut!"

"Louis, if your door is not open-"

"I'll keep it open!" He hollered from the top of the stairs. Harry snickered in amusement and followed Louis back into his room. Louis closed the door behind them so it was open just a little crack. Barely even that.

"Louis, she said to keep it open." 

"She didn't say how open though." Louis said with a smirk and turned around to him. Harry laughed and Louis stepped in front of him, throwing his arms around his neck. 

"Your eye for spotting loopholes is astounding." Harry teased and Louis laughed. "You should become a lawyer." 

"Pass, I want to do something with art I think." He said unwrapping his arms from around his neck.

"Do you draw?" Harry asked interested. 

"I used to."

"You should show me some of your drawings." Harry said with a smirk. His eyes lit up too and Louis shook his head. 

"Nah," 

"Oh come on," Harry whined. "Please?" He pleaded and Louis looked up at him unsurely.

"But they all suck." 

"No they don't, I want to see them." Harry stated. Louis groaned and walked over to his desk. Harry followed and stood closely behind him, looking at what he was doing over his shoulder. Harry hadn't actually noticed how much art supplies were actually on his desk. There were pencils and ink pens and easers of different widths, and paint brushes, paper towels, a pallet, a few random tubes of paint, a watercolor set. . .he didn't know Louis was so into art. 

Louis pulled out a drawing pad, two actually, and then even a watercolor pad. 

"Now I haven't drawn in a long time, these are from, like, tenth and eleventh grade so they're going to be really bad." Louis warned while picking up one sketch book. 

"I'm sure they're better than anything I could ever draw." Harry joked as Louis flipped over the cover. 

"These are, like, my very first sketches when I first got into drawing." He said. Harry smiled at the random scribbles of different cartoon faces he had drawn. He flipped through the first few pages. "This was an art project." Louis explained turning to a page of an American flag. "We had to draw a realistic picture of another country's flag."

"That looks really good." Louis smiled bashfully.

"Thank you." He flipped past a bunch of pages and Harry caught quick glimpses of his doodles and sketches. "Well, those are my shitty drawings." He closed the sketch book and placed it down then picked up the other one. "These are my most recent, but not that recent because they're over a year old." He laughed. He opened to the front page and Harry gasped at it. 

"Holy shit, that looks amazing!" He exclaimed and Louis felt himself blush. "Like, geez."  Louis laughed. 

"Thanks," He said. It was a picture of Tom Daley drawn in pencil and it look phenomenal compared to the silly little sketches in the other sketch book. 

"I had no idea you were so good."

"Thanks." Louis smiled at Harry over his shoulder then turned back down to his sketch book, turning the page. "This is a self portrait." He said proudly and Harry gazed down at the drawing. 

"It looks beautiful." Harry said astonished. "Just like you." He whispered pressing a kiss to Louis's temple. Louis turned over his shoulder and smiled up at him again. He tipped toed up and kissed him sweetly. He placed the sketch pad down and actually turned around, wrapping his arms Harry's neck. 

Harry smiled into the kiss and placed his hands on Louis's waist. Their lips parted slightly and their tongues briefly every once in a while. It sent a pang through his stomach, and Harry's as well. They both pulled apart slowly and pressed their foreheads together gently, breathing deeply.

"I love you," Harry whispered in the heat of the moment and Louis looked up at him with his big blue eyes. "I. . .fuck." He swore then moved his hands off Louis's waist and took a step back. Louis just watched him. 

"It's okay, Haz." He turned his back to him and reached around, grabbing Harry's arm and wrapping it around his waist again himself. "Want to see some of my watercolor paintings?" He asked picking up his watercolor pad.

Harry managed a small smile and nodded, wrapping his other arm around Louis's waist hesitantly, like he was afraid to touch Louis. Louis nestled back against him and opened his water color pad. 

"I went through a phase where all I painted was flowers." He laughed. "This is a bird of paradise." 

"It looks amazing." Harry whispered and Louis just couldn't stop smiling. He flipped through the pages slowly, showing Harry the different array of flowers he painted so brightly and prettily. He closed it and put it on his desk. "And then for awhile I just painted on tiny little watercolor cards." He reached up to the shelf on the desk and picked up a stack of little five by three inch cards. "I painted little animals with balloons." He shuffled through the cards, showing him a bunny with a blue balloon, a dog with a red one, a hedgehog with a green one, and many others. 

"Those are so cute." Harry gushed and Louis laughed softly. "The hedgehogs my favorite." He said reaching out and picking it out. "Can I keep it?" He asked looking down at Louis and Louis shrugged.

"Sure." Harry smiled. 

"Thanks, babe." He kissed the side of his head lightly. 

"No problem," Louis was so enthralled. "Well that's most of my art, I guess." He turned around and Harry unwrapped his arm from around Louis. "Hey, did you close my door?" He asked walking over to it. 

"No, why would I?" Harry asked and Louis shrugged. 

"Well I know I only left open a crack and now it's shut." He said austerely and pulled it back open to a crack. 

"Maybe your room is haunted." Harry teased and Louis turned around, rolling his eyes at him. 

"Yeah, that's the only obvious reason." He retorted sarcastically. Harry smiled and Louis smiled back and he just couldn't believe how much smiling he had been doing recently because smiling and laughing had once been so foreign to him, but now it was a becoming such a common thing he couldn't possibly think of putting himself back in the well where the light faded with his smile.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't enjoy smut then you can skip the second half of this chapter and if you do like smut…don't get your hopes up.

It was February 14th, the infamous Valentines Day, and Louis had gone over to Harry's house on account that Harry's mother had gone out of town for the weekend so he had the opportunity to spend a quiet night, alone, with Harry. 

Harry's house was small, but cozy. His room was even cozier. It was cluttered with books, no surprise there, and his walls were plastered with Polaroid pictures and highlighted book pages. He had an old fashioned iron bed frame he had woven Christmas lights through at the foot and head of the frame. He had a little CD player on his nightstand and his dressers were just piled with even more books. It looked like a room straight out of Tumblr. 

The overhead light was dim, giving the room an orange glow. It was 7 o'clock, and after making an unconventional dinner of burnt chicken nuggets and fries, they moved up to his bedroom and were sitting up on his bed across from each other with their legs crossed.

"Here." Harry leaned over the edge of his bed and picked up a little gift bag from under it, placing it in front of Louis. 

"What's this?" He asked looking at it suspiciously. 

"Little bit of a Valentine's Day gift, little bit of a belated birthday gift, little bit of just something special." Harry told him sweetly and Louis sighed. 

"I told you not to get me anything." He stated stubbornly and crossed his arms. 

"Hm, I must not of heard you." Harry retorted with a smirk.

"You heard me loud and clear." Louis said sternly, jaw clenched tightly. 

"Just open it." Harry pushed the bag closer to his lap. Louis sighed in defeat, not that he put up much of a fight, and uncrossed his arms.

"I hate opening gifts." He grumbled and Harry just laughed. He pulled out the blue tissue paper and reached in, taking out the frame of a certificate. 

"What is this?" Louis asked before he even read it to find out what it was.

"That is your certificate of authenticity for your very own star." Harry said and Louis looked up at him. 

"What?" He asked in disbelief and Harry just smiled, nodding. "Holy shit," He murmured staring down at it in awe. In the left corner were the words Star Certificate and below that in the center read: The star with the coordinates RA: 15hr 17m 31.2s DEC: 31• 17m 31.6s was successfully entered into the star-naming registry on 2/2/2015. The star has been named Louis.

His name was in big bold print below the smaller type. 

Below it read: This star will always shine for you, the way you shine for me. 

"Oh, Harry," Louis was speechless. "I can't believe this, you-you actually bought a star and named it after me." He was so touched. He couldn't believe it! 

"No, I bought you a star. It's your star." Harry corrected with a nod. "Because the star I already have I didn't need to buy." Louis was tearing up. He actually had tears in his eyes. 

"Thank you so much." Louis placed the frame down, wrapped his arms around Harry tightly, and buried his face in his neck. "Thank you so much," He repeated. "I love it, you have no idea how much this means to me." He whispered. He leaned out of the hug and smiled at Harry sweetly. Then he leaned back in and kissed him, pressing his palm against Harry's cheek softly. 

"You better get your shoes though." Louis looked at him in confusion and leaned back on his arms to support himself up. "I have a friend who's really into astronomy and he has a telescope, he's going to help us find your star." 

"Are you serious?" Louis asked in belief and Harry nodded looking smugger than ever.

"His names Zayn and he's going to meet us down at Double Ditch right now." He said standing up. Harry skipped out of his room and Louis laughed softly, standing up and following after him down to the foyer. They both put on their shoes and grabbed their coats before going outside to Harry's car. 

Louis was jittering with excitement the whole drive down there. After three hours it felt Harry was pulling into the parking lot of Double Ditch. A few vacant cars were parked there and then by one parked car with it's light still on stood a guy tinkering with a telescope. Harry pulled up beside the car then turned it off. He got out and Louis opened his door, stepping out, and stepping beside Harry near the trunk of Zayn's car. 

"Hey," Harry greeted and Zayn straightened up. 

"Hey, what's up?" He greeted casually and smiled. "I'm Zayn." He introduced himself reaching his hand out to Louis. Louis smiled and nodded, shaking his hand.

"It's nice to meet you, I'm Louis." He greeted a bit shyly. 

"I know." He stepped back around the telescope. "Harry never stops talking about you." He added nonchalantly and Louis laughed, glancing at Harry who avoided his gaze by looking up at the sky to make himself preoccupied. Louis nudged him in the arm and Harry nudged him back playful.

There was the sound of a car door opening and soon another guy was walking over beside Zayn.

"Hi, I'm Liam." He greeted eagerly and Louis smiled warmly.

"I'm Louis." 

"It's nice to finally meet you." He said and Louis chuckled. 

"Finally?" He repeated and Harry groaned.

"You guys are literally making me sound so creepy right now." Liam chuckled while Zayn still messed around with the telescope. It was large and round with a Nikon camera screwed on top. 

"What's the camera for?" Louis asked curiously and took a step closer. 

"Oh, that's to take pictures of nebulas or galaxies or star clusters or anything I aim it at really." Zayn said. "Right now I'm trying to calibrate it and set up the polar alignment." He explained.

"How does taking pictures work?"

"Well, I hook up the camera to my laptop after aiming the telescope at my target. Like last week I got a nice shot of the Orion Nebula, but anyways, once it's all set I take multiple exposure shots, so, like, the camera will take twenty pictures with a one minute exposure. After the pictures are done being taken, I upload them to this software I have that combines all the frames into a single frame and then I have the clear shot photo. Then I can edit a little if I want and that's pretty much it." He explained.

"That sounds confusing." Louis laughed softly and Zayn chuckled. 

"It's a little hard and confusing at first, but it's really not that hard when you get the swing of it. It's still trial and error, though." He said standing up straight again. "But when Harry told me you were into stars and all too, I got excited." He admitted and Louis smiled.

"Well, I mean, I like looking at them at night and all, but I wouldn't be able to do all this stuff." He said humorously and Zayn shrugged. 

"Want to see Jupiter and it's four moons?" He asked and Louis nodded excitedly. He waved him over with his hand and Louis stepped beside the telescope. Harry stepped over beside Liam and they both watched them. Zayn leaned over and looked into the eye piece before moving his head away. "Just look in there. You can adjust how sharp it is by turning the nob on the side." Zayn pointed it out. 

Louis grinned in excitement and leaned over, looking into the eye piece. All he could see was a large white dot with two light brown stripes followed by four smaller white dots beside it. It want anything entirely fascinating, but it was still interesting.

"Wow, that's so cool." He raved standing back up straight and Zayn smiled.

"Isn't it?" Louis laughed, nodding. "Well let's find your star, yeah?" He grinned and Louis smiled shyly. "You've got the coordinates?" He then asked. They both turned to Harry. 

"I wrote them down." He walked over to them and withdrew a little slip of paper from his pocket. Zayn took it and opened it. 

"Well let's get started." He said with a smile. On one of the legs of stand the telescope was being supported by was a little caddy with what looked like a tv remote. Zayn picked up. "This makes finding certain stars, nebulas, or constellations a lot easier. All I have to do is type in the coordinates and the telescope will move to itself to be pointed at it. "Liam, can you hold this light for me?" He tossed Liam a little flashlight before he answered and Liam caught it, stepping beside him. He clicked it on and a red light shined down over his shoulder. 

Zayn held the paper with the coordinates in one hand and the little remote thing in the other as he glanced back and forth to enter in the coordinates. 

"Okay, thanks." Liam turned the little flashlight off, shoving it in his pocket. "Ready?" He asked glancing up and Louis just chuckled. It was so surreal. Harry stepped behind Louis and wrapped his arm around his waist, pulling him against his body and kissing his cheek. 

Zayn pressed a button then there was a whirring noise as the telescope started moving. It turned all the way around then tilted upwards slightly. It stopped moving and the whirring stopped with a click. Zayn and Louis's eyes lit up.

Zayn stepped over and bent down, looking into the eye piece. He turned the eyepiece to sharpen the image then two other nobs towards the base to center it up. 

"Okay, care to take a look?" He asked standing up and Louis nodded. Harry squeezed his side and let him go as Louis stepped over to the telescope and bent down. "It should be the brightest star right in the center." Zayn said as Louis pressed his eye into the eye piece. 

"Wow, that's so cool." He gasped looking at it. It was so bright and so. . .unbelievable. "That's amazing." He said standing back up straight. He glanced at Zayn and smiled kindly which Zayn returned warmly. 

"Aren't our boyfriends adorable, Liam?" Harry asked loudly and Louis turned over his shoulder to give him a patronizing look. 

"Why yes, Harry. Our boyfriends are quite adorable." Liam replied sarcastically and they both laughed. It felt so weird to call Harry his boyfriend and be known as Harry's boyfriend. It was just...surreal. 

"I wanna see this star." Harry stated stepping forward. Louis stepped back and Harry bent down, looking into the eyepiece. "Well would you look at that, star Louis is almost as beautiful as real Louis." He teased standing back up. 

"Shut up." Louis slugged him in the arm playfully and Harry just laughed. He leaned down, cupping his cheek softly, and kissed him sweetly. 

"Liam, babe, can you bring me my little foldable table?" Zayn asked and Liam sighed passively. He opened the trunk of Zayn's car and pulled out the little table, bringing it to Zayn. 

"Happy Valentine's Day to us." He grumbled under his breath and Zayn laughed. 

"Love you, babe." He teased and Liam waved him off, walking back over to the trunk. 

"Yeah, yeah, love you too." Zayn laughed again as he situated the little table sturdily on the gravel. "Look, I even brought you your laptop too." Liam teased holding his laptop out it him. 

"So what are you doing now?" Louis asked curiously.

"Gonna take a picture of it." Zayn said opening his laptop and turning it on. 

"Oh, really?" 

"Yeah, why not?" Zayn walked over to the open trunk. He pulled out a jumble of cords and moved back over to the telescope and laptop. He plugged in the wires to the camera and then to his laptop. "So you guys can either stay or leave if you want. All that's really gonna happen is after I hook up the camera and get the software all set up I'll set it to take twenty or so photos with a five minute exposure, and then that's it so it gets kind of boring and long and the actual photo won't come out until I compile all the frames and edit it." He explained. "Which in that case I'll send it to Harry and he can send it to you." He added with a smile. 

"We'll probably head back then." Harry spoke up and Louis nodded in agreement. 

"Okay, well it was nice to meet you." Zayn said with a smile. 

"It was nice to meet you too. Thanks for, like, doing this." 

"Hey, no problem. I love doing this." 

"Well it's really cool." Louis said grinning. 

"You should check out my Instagram, I have a lot of other pictures I've taken on there."

"It's literally all he posts." Liam stated and they all laughed lightly. 

"Yeah, well, my username is just my name, Zayn Malik. You know, just if your curious, I have this really good shot of the Orion Nebula I took on there." 

"Okay, Zayn, enough self promotion." Harry teased and Zayn laughed, rolling his eyes at him. 

"I was just saying!" He exclaimed and Harry chuckled. 

"Well, see you guys later." He said taking a step back. 

"See ya," Liam and Zayn both said in unison. Harry and Louis both turned around and walked back to his car. 

"That was so cool," Louis said climbing into the passenger side and Harry smiled. "Thank you so much," He whispered sincerely and Harry turned to him. 

"Don't mention it, babe. I'm just glad you liked it." He responded sweetly. Louis smiled and Harry started his car before pulling out onto the road. The drive back was quiet. Half way back Harry grabbed Louis's hand and held it close to his lap, sending a flutter of feelings through his stomach. 

When they got back to Harry's house, they kicked off their shoes, Harry shed off his coat, and they went back up to his room. 

Harry flopped down on his bed and sat up by the head, exhaling in exertion. 

"I am whipped." He sighed.

"If you mean for me, then yes." Louis teased walking over to the bed and Harry guffawed. Louis smirked playfully and knelt up onto the bed before crawling over on top of Harry's lap sitting back on his thighs, smirking down at him. "Now, believe it or not, I got you something too." Louis carefully pulled out a little neatly wrapped present from his sweatshirt pocket. "Here." Harry took the gift and looked down at it narrowly. Louis removed his green sweatshirt and threw it to the floor precariously. Harry turned his narrow gaze from the gift to Louis.

"Are you kidding me? You tell me not to get you something and get all stubborn when I do, and you got me a little gift too? What if I hadn't gotten you anything? Then I'd feel like an ass for not getting you something when you got me something." Louis laughed and shrugged nonchalantly. 

"Well you did get me something so just open it." Harry sighed and tore off the wrapping paper carefully to uncover a book. 

A copy of Relic, actually. 

"Louis," He laughed. 

"Open it." Louis smiled with excitement. Harry pushed the paper off the edge of his bed and opened the cover. On the first page were two different sets of scribbles. 

"Is this what I think it is?" Harry glanced up at him in disbelief and Louis nodded. 

"It even came with a little certificate thing to prove that it's the real deal and not some fake thing." 

"Seriously? This is amazing!" He exclaimed filled with excitement. "How did you find this?" 

"Well, I wanted to get you something you'd really enjoy or cherish, so I just searched online and this lady was selling her copy so I bought it from her. She was surprisingly nice." Louis smiled. 

"Oh my goodness, thank you so much. This is so unbelievable." He was beaming up at Louis and Louis was happy he liked it so much. "I love it." He whispered softly. Louis just smiled a little then took the book from his hands, placing it on the nightstand. 

Harry glanced up at him, a little unsure of what he was doing, and Louis slid his arms around Harry's neck. He smirked down at him almost maliciously and Harry cracked a small smile. Louis leaned down and pressed his lips to Harry's. Harry was pleasantly surprised and placed his arms around Louis's waist. 

They kissed so sweetly and so passionately. Louis loved how gentle their kisses were. He could just kiss Harry all day and Louis felt so heavenly in his lap. 

Louis reached up and caressed both of Harry's cheeks with his hands softly. Harry titled his head back slightly and Louis smiled into the kiss. He felt so happy. 

He pulled away from the kiss, pressed their foreheads together, and caught his breath.

"I want to tell you something." Harry looked at him solemnly. 

"What is it?" Louis took a deep breath. His heart was racing faster than ever before.

"I love you." He admitted. "And that's kind of a hard thing for me to admit because I've never really had anyone in my life that I've come to love and I've spent a lot of time focussing on the hatred I have for myself so the concept of love and loving someone is kind of strange to me, but you make me feel this way I just can't describe. It's a good feeling, though, and I want to be able to feel like that all the time and I think that's love, right? You know, getting that indescribable feeling from one person and one person only?" He asked. "Well, if that's not love then I don't know what is. Or. . .maybe that's what love is, not knowing what it is. Maybe we're supposed to make our own definition of love. Or maybe we're supposed to meet that one person who can define love for us. Needless to say, whatever the definition of love is, you're my definition." He said with teary eyes. Harry just looked at him intently, not smiling not frowning, but looking rather solemn and stoic. "A-Are you going to say something? I'm literally pouring myself out to you right now." His voice was shaky and then Harry finally smiled. 

"You've already known for a while now how I feel about you." Louis smiled and wiped his eyes. "I love you too. I love you very much." He leaned up and kissed Louis tenderly. Louis inhaled slowly and reached up with his hand, pressing his palm to Harry's cheek gently again. Harry's lips were so soft, like velvet almost. 

They both pulled away slowly and Louis looked down at him, breathing heavily. 

"Will you make love to me?" He whispered softly. Harry blinked at him.

"Yes." He finally said and Louis smiled a bit nervously almost. He pressed a kiss to the top of his head then pressed their foreheads together. "Are you absolutely sure, though? This is a big step." Harry asked looking up at him and Louis nodded. 

"I am. I want you to make love to me." He whispered. "Are you?" He asked in return and Harry smiled, nodding. "Okay," He kissed his forehead again. "Okay." 

"If at any time you change your mind and decide that you don't want to do this yet or that you aren't ready do not be afraid to tell me, no matter what's happening. Okay?" Louis nodded solemnly. "Do you promise? I don't want you to feel afraid to tell me no." Louis nodded again. 

"I promise." He whispered. "But this isn't just about me and what I want, if for some reason you decide that you don't want to do this either or you want us to wait or something then tell me. Promise?" 

"I promise, baby." Harry reached up, caressing Louis's cheek softly while staring up at him admirably. He leaned up and kissed him. It was a different kind of kiss. It was emotional and concupiscent and tender. 

Harry turned them around slowly so Louis was lying on his back and Harry's hands were pressed into the mattress beside him to hold himself up. He gazed down at Louis   
and Louis smiled up at him softly. Harry grinned back then looked up, reaching over to his nightstand. On his nightstand was a CD player and he pushed two buttons before soft piano music started playing. Beauty of Grace by Thad Fiscella.

Louis's eyes watered with happy tears, overwhelmed by the amount of emotion and just pure passion that was pouring out from both of them. The feeling was so palpable, but so unfathomable because he had no idea he could feel as strongly as he did. This is what it felt like to be in love. 

Harry dipped down to kiss him and Louis's head lifted up off the mattress to kiss him back. They kissed so sweetly and so tenderly, but also so passionately like it was the last night they'd ever spend together. 

Louis's hands snaked around Harry's waist and up under his shirt, spreading his palm against the small of his back. His skin was so warm and soft, it was soothing. It felt like the butterflies and the bees were fighting for territory in his stomach. 

Harry sat back on Louis's waist and Louis grinned up at him with excitement, but nervousness as well. Harry gripped the hem of his shirt with both of his hands and pulled it off before dropping it to the floor. He might've stripped his shirt first, but the first thing they both stripped were the walls that guarded their loving hearts. 

Louis looked up at him in awe. He looked so fit and just fucking amazing, Louis couldn't believe it considering how skinny he used to be when they first met. 

Louis reached up and touched his toned, soft stomach gently, tapping his fingertips against his skin lightly. Harry reached down slowly and grabbed his hand, bringing it up to his cheek. He brushed his palm against his cheek softly then turned his hand down and pressed a kiss to the top of it. 

He leaned back down over him slowly and, letting go off his hand, reached for his shirt. Louis sat up a bit and Harry pulled his shirt off slowly before dropping it off the side of the bed. 

Harry gazed down at him, feeling a rush of emotion so strong he teared up because Louis looked so healthy and so beautiful and Harry just felt so happy. 

Louis smiled up at him. He had one hand on Harry's knee and his other arm lying across his stomach. Harry reached down and unbuckled his belt, pulling it off, and throwing it aside without a single glance as to where it fell, he was too busy admiring Louis. 

He unbuttoned the button of his jeans and unzipped the zipper. Louis's stomach tightened. This was actually happening and it was happening now. Harry moved around the bed awkwardly so he could pull his jeans off, then moved back over Louis's waist. 

Harry then moved to Louis's sweatpants. He untied the drawstring and Louis himself pulled the pants to his thighs before Harry pulled them down all the way and off from around his ankles. 

Harry gazed down at him with utmost admiration and Louis smiled meekly. His heart was racing, his palms were sweaty, and his stomach was coiled into a tight knot, it felt. Harry leaned back over, his palms pressing into the pillow, and kissed Louis. 

Louis wrapped his arms around Harry's waist, and Harry moved lower onto his forearms so that their bodies were pressed together. Harry was so warm. Harry pulled out of the kiss and buried his face in Louis's neck, kissing it eagerly.

He nipped the skin gently before biting down on the skin just under his chin. Louis let out a soft moan and it was just about the prettiest sound Harry had ever heard. Other than his laugh. He sucked on the skin before pulling away and leaning up to kiss Louis again. 

Louis was already beginning to perspire and ready to just let Harry take him, but Harry wanted to savor the moment. He wanted to make it the sweetest, most passionate, and intimate moment they'd share and keep with them for the rest of their lives. Sure, sex is fun, but making love actually means something. Love can't be made if love was never there from the very start. 

Harry peppered soft little kisses around Louis's cute little chest and his cute little tummy which was oh so soft. He was exceptionally hard now, they both were. Harry kissed his soft thighs, brushing is lips over the soft marks Louis felt most insecure about making Louis whimper and whine. He coursed his fingers through Harry's hair and pulled gently as he arched his back. 

Louis let go of Harry's hair as he moved back up over him. Harry stared down at him intently before slipping one finger under the elastic of Louis's briefs then suddenly everything became real. Like, really real. He and Harry had never even been shirtless in front of each other and now they were completely exposing themselves bare.

The surreal feeling had vanished and Louis was now feeling terrified with how real things had turned. In a surrealistic world Louis would be able to expose himself bare and not feel inferior or insecure. But it wasn't a surrealistic world, it was a realistic world and although Louis felt better about himself and his body than before, he still felt insecure and self conscious and small part of him still felt mediocre and like he wasn't anything special. He was afraid of Harry realizing that about him too. 

Harry kept eye contact with Louis the entire time and when he made the smallest movement of a tug, Louis reached out and grabbed his wrist frantically. Harry looked at him seriously and pulled his hand back. Louis brought his hands up to his face and his tears rolled down his cheeks when he blinked.

"Honey, what's wrong?" Harry asked him softly and brushed his hair away from his bleary eyes. Louis took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. He propped up on his arms. 

"Nothing's wrong, I'm just feeling overwhelmed." His voice was so choked up. "I just...after I developed my eating disorder I didn't think I was ever going to find anyone who would, you know, find me attractive or want to have sex with me or find me beautiful or not care about the flaws on my body, but here you are and I'm afraid that once I actually remove my boxers and basically reveal myself to you you're going to realize that I'm not special in any way and that you could do better because hardly any guys have stretch marks on their thighs and no one is going to make me feel the way you do. I don't want that to end." 

"Louis," Harry whispered softly. "The problem is not that I don't, or won't, find you special." Louis looked up at him. "It's that you don't find yourself special. I loved you and found you special before I saw the stretch marks on your thighs and I'm still going to love you after so why don't you let me show you how special you are to me." 

"Do you mean that?" Louis asked him softly. Harry nodded, smiling down at him. 

"Oh my fucking goodness, Lou, of course I do. Do you have any idea how special you actually are?" Louis felt himself begin to tear up again. Harry moved off his lap and sat on his knees beside him. Harry grabbed his hand and Louis sat up, moving onto his knees like Harry. "You are so special, I don't think I could ever find anyone similar to you in any way. Without you I'd probably still be in the EDU. Do you realize how special it is to me to actually have someone in my life who can fully understand what it feels like to go through an eating disorder? Who understands what it feels like to loathe yourself and your body to the point where you think the only way to take care of it is to skip meals? No one else in my life understands what that feels like, but we do and, I don't know, I feel like that gave us some special bond because we can relate to each other and this, right now, is one of the most special moments of my life because you just look so beautiful and healthy and it's really special to me that I got to watch you grow as a person and get healthier and you got to watch the same happen for me and you're just so special I can't even put it into proper words to convey to you just how special you actually are because you give me something no one else in this world can give me and that's just this feeling I can't describe no matter how hard I try." 

Louis covered his hand over his mouth to muffle any noise that might escape and rubbed his eyes with his other hand. Harry reached out and cupped Louis's cheek softly. He started tearing up himself. He reached out with his other hand and grabbed Louis's wrist gently. He pulled his hand away from his mouth then put their hands together, lacing their fingers together tightly. Harry looked at him softly. 

He leaned in and kissed him sweetly. Louis's bleary eyes fluttered shut and they just sat there kissing slowly and tenderly. Harry's lips tasted so sweet and he wanted to savor it forever. Harry moved his hand from Louis's cheek to his waist and he rose up on his knees. Louis did the same and soon they were level height again. He let go of Louis's hand and removed his other hand from his side. 

Louis's eyes still glistened, but he felt remarkably calmer. Their gazes were locked and their arms hung at their sides, not moving. Harry made the first move and he lifted his hands up to his waist, slipping his thumbs under the elastic of his own briefs. He pulled them down slowly before kneeling down to pull them down below his knees and off his ankles. He kneeled back up and took a deep breath then looked up at Louis. 

Louis took a deep breath to try to calm his racing heart. He had to wipe his eyes again. No one said anything. Their silence spoke louder than any of the words they could've said. 

Louis swallowed thickly before reaching down to his own briefs. He hesitated, but Harry didn't say anything. He just looked him in the eyes intently. Louis squeezed his eyes shut and pulled them down to his knees. He kept his eyes closed even after he had pulled them off his ankles and tossed them to the floor. He didn't want to see Harry's probably disgusted expression. 

Harry reached out gently and touched Louis's cheek again. Louis forced himself to open his eyes. Harry's eyes were shining with tears of happiness. It was easily the best day of his life and the fact that Louis was able to remove his own undergarments was a pretty big thing he considered. 

"You look so beautiful." He whispered, his voice hoarse. He brushed the back of his fingers against Louis's cheek gently. 

"No I don't." He turned his head away bashfully. 

"Yes you do." Harry wrapped his hand around Louis's chin to force him to look at him. "What's not beautiful about being healthy?" 

"Is being healthy the only criteria for being beautiful?" Louis retorted in question. Harry shook his head. 

"Why do you think we developed our disorders?" He asked. "Because we looked at the people with an unhealthy weight and thought they looked beautiful." He whispered. "But there's nothing beautiful about skin and bones." Louis felt so exposed and so bare, but he didn't feel a need to cover himself up. He didn't feel a tic to hide himself from Harry. "Do you want to do this?" Harry asked him softly. Louis nodded. 

"We've made it this far, haven't we?" Louis joked lightly and managed a small smile. Harry smiled back down at him. He reached up and placed one hand on Louis's shoulder and another on his cheek gently. 

Louis reached out and placed his hands on Harry's waist softly. They both leaned in before their lips met and they kissed so passionately. It was sloppy and lascivious and made a heat pool in the pits of their stomachs before coiling together tightly. Their skin was smooth under each other's touch and Louis felt like he was floating on cloud nine. 

"Do you-" Louis paused to catch his breath and Harry's lips ghosted over his. "Do you have, like, lube and all?" He whispered. Harry nodded. 

"Now I wasn't actually planning on this happening so it's kind of old." Louis smiled. Harry leaned past him and reached out to his nightstand. He pulled open the drawer and reached in before withdrawing a condom and small bottle of lube. "I went to get a check up awhile ago, just to make sure everything was good, and the nurse gave me a shit ton of condoms. This is probably a year old." He smiled down at Louis. "And just so there's no confusion I'm clean and healthy."

"You know condoms expire, though, right?"

"Oh no, I hope you don't end up pregnant." Harry exclaimed sarcastically and Louis laughed. He looked down at the condom in Harry's hand then back up at him solemnly. He tapped his fingers against Harry's skin subconsciously. 

"I don't want to use a condom." He told him softly. Harry's eyebrows furrowed together.

"What? Why not?" Louis just took a deep breath, glancing down. 

"I just don't. You just said you were clean and healthy and it's my very first time so what is there to protect ourselves from?"

"It's not just about protection," Harry told him softly. "It'll make it feel better for you and just make things go and feel more smoothly in general." 

"No," Louis whined and shook his head stubbornly. 

"Why though? I would've thought you'd want to use one." His tone was gentler than it was before and Louis bit his lip.

"Because," He said and looked away again. "Everything just feels right with you and I want this moment to be...perfect. And in my mind this perfect moment with you doesn't involve a condom because to me it's just a thin piece of rubber preventing us from actually being able to feel each other and, you know, actually make love. I know safe sex in important, I'm not saying that I think it isn't. I'm just saying that right now I want to feel you and be able to carry that feeling with me for the rest of my life." Harry just looked down at him intently and Louis mustered up the courage to look back up at him. "And I know we haven't actually been together all that long, but with you everything just seems to make sense. And my life has never made a lot of sense to me. And, I mean, we've both been through a lot, do you really want a condom preventing us from the being the closest we can be with each other? This is closest we will ever be and ever get, both physically and emotionally." Harry was quiet for a moment. 

"It's going to hurt more. Do you trust me?"

"Always." He reached over and tossed the condom onto his nightstand. "Lie down." He whispered in Louis's ear in a low, low tone. His voice sent a shiver down his spine and made his cock twitch. 

They moved apart and Louis laid down on his back. He bit his lip as his cock curved up against his tummy. Harry dropped the bottle of lube beside his thigh then wrapped his hands around Louis's thighs. He spread his legs and made room for himself in between them. He wrapped Louis's legs up around his waist and let go of his thighs. 

Louis's breath was growing shakier and shakier as he tried to control his breathing, but he was so fucking nervous and excited at the same time, he didn't know how he was supposed to control his heart rate. 

Harry picked up the bottle of lube and flipped open the lid. He practically poured the entire thing on his fingers before tossing it on top of his cluttered nightstand, leaving the drawer open. 

Looking down at Louis, he ghosted his palm against his inner thigh and gently moved it further in. Louis simply gave him a small nod and Harry pressed his finger against his hole. Louis whimpered at the contact and he wrapped his arms around Harry's neck, pulling him down as he arched his back slightly. 

Harry pressed his other hand into the pillow beneath Louis's head to hold himself up. His and Louis's faces were only inches apart. He could feel his hot breath on his face. Harry moved slowly, actually pushing his finger inside. Louis let out a soft breath. Harry moved so slowly because this was Louis's first time and he afraid of going to far to fast and hurting him. 

Louis was already a whimpering mess, digging his nails into the flesh of Harry's shoulders. Harry continued fingering him slowly, and soon added another finger. 

"Shit." Louis moaned and Harry grunted softly. Louis squeezed his shoulders and writhed against the bed. 

"Does it hurt?" Louis shook his head. 

"Feels weird, but alright." Soon, after managing to even add a third finger, his eyes were beginning to water with tears. Harry removed his fingers and Louis let go of his shoulders, letting his hands just fall beside his head against the bed, breathing heavily. 

He felt empty at the loss of contact. Harry reached out for the bottle of lube again before lathering a rather large amount in the palm of his hand then coating it over his cock generously. He tossed the now practically empty tube of lube aside again and wiped his hand off against the bed sheet making Louis force a weak smile. 

Harry hooked his arm under Louis's leg and lifted his hips up just a bit. Louis crossed his ankles so his legs were locked around Harry's upper waist. Harry was ready to push in when-

"Wait," Harry looked down at him. "Is it going to hurt?" Louis asked fearfully and Harry nodded. "Like, a lot?"

"It's your very first time, babe, it's going to hurt at first." Harry told him softly. "But if you can make it through the pain, the pleasure will make you totally forget about the pain." He smiled and Louis bit his cheek nervously. 

"But, like, is it going to hurt so bad that I cry?" He asked sheepishly. 

"More than likely. I mean, you probably won't full on cry, but you might, like, tear up, I don't know. It's different for every person." A contemplative look came across Louis's face. "Do you want to wait?" He shook his head without hesitation. 

"I'm just really nervous, I don't know what to expect." He swallowed thickly and Harry just nodded. 

"Just tell me when you're ready." Louis nodded back, taking another deep breath. 

"Ready." Harry repositioned himself and lined himself up again. He pushed the tip against Louis's hole and he gasped softly, one hand already clenching the bed sheet tightly. Harry wrapped his hands around Louis's waist and pushed only half way in, barely. 

"Fucking shit!" Louis shouted at the top of his lungs practically. His toes curled and he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. He felt like he was pulling ripped in half by his asshole. It burned and hurt like fucking hell and Louis couldn't see how any of this was enjoyable. "Stop! Stop!" It dawned on him that Harry wasn't even half way in, he wasn't even in all the way!

"Are you okay?"

"Do I look fucking okay? You're not even half way in and I feel like some set a fire inside my asshole." Louis took deep breaths in and out and had his hand pressed against his forehead. Was he really sweating already? "I need a moment to recollect myself." He felt so awkward and uncomfortable with him and Harry just lying there together still with Harry's cock halfway up his ass. 

"It will feel better, I promise." Louis rubbed his eyes. "Tell me when you're ready." 

"Well I'm never gonna fucking be ready unless you want to lie here for hours while I get used to your cock up my ass." He fired back making Harry laugh. "Okay," He said. "Go." 

He tried to brace himself as Harry pushed in even deeper but nothing could have prepared him for that. His eyes screwed shut and his nails dug into the nape of Harry's neck. Harry paused a few moments once he was all the way in before very slowly pulling out. 

Louis was so loud and it was music to his ears. His moans and groans and the way his breath would catch quickly...Harry's thrusts were slow. He leaned over Louis and bent down, kissing him concupiscently while continuing to thrust into him slowly, almost trying to distract Louis from the pain that was evident in his expression. 

"Fuck, it hurts." He whimpered reaching up to dry his cheeks of his tears. 

"Let me know if you want me to stop." Louis just shook his head then leaned up, kissing him again. The sound a wet, deep kissing was soft under the piano music. Louis's arms wrapped around Harry's neck tightly, actually pulling his back up off the bed slightly, and he pulled away from the kiss to groan in pain. His face twisted together in displeasure and he turned his face into Harry's shoulder. Harry's face was buried in Louis's neck as the bed squeaked underneath them. 

Louis's moan trailed off into a whine and Harry kissed his neck sloppily. Piano music had never sounded more beautiful then it did now. It seemed to drown out their moans and groans at first, but after awhile the only thing they could hear were each other's moans, and groans, and all the other pretty little noises each other made. 

"It might help if you move your hips in time with my thrusts." He still wasn't sure whether all Louis was feeling was pain, or pleasure, or a mixture of both so he kept his thrusts still at a slower pace. 

Their movements together were slow and intimate. Not too slow, but they seemed slower than they actually were. Louis's constant moans grew louder as the amount of pleasure increased and were better music to Harry's ears then the actual piano music. 

Harry was right, as soon as Louis worked through the pain it all just seemed to melt away as pleasure set it. 

"Feel good, baby?" Louis's response was just a moan making Harry smile. For some reason Harry calling him baby while they were making love just sounded so hot. 

"A-Again. Call me that again." Harry smirked. He moved his one hand back and wrapped it around Louis's thigh, skimming it up his smooth skin. 

"You like it when I call you that?" Louis whimpered softly, nodding his head. "You feel so fucking good, does it feel good for you too, baby?" Louis nodded again, his eyes were fluttered shut. 

"It feels so good." His jaw slacked open, his expression showing everything that was pleasure. Ecstasy was coursing through his veins and when mixed with adrenaline he couldn't have felt any fucking better. Their bodies moved in unison and almost as soon as Louis started to move his hips he felt pretty close to unraveling. Scarce profanities slipped his lips every once in a while and Harry grunted with his thrusts. Fuck, it felt good. It felt so good. Louis felt so content and alive and full. . .of love of course. Harry was so sweet and made him feel so special. 

"I love you," Harry whispered softly. 

"Say it again." Louis was out of breath, Harry almost couldn't make out what he had said. Louis's nails were scratching the soft flesh of Harry's back and his face was flushed red. 

"I love you." Harry whispered again in his ear. 

"One more time." Louis opened his eyes and looked directly up at Harry. His hair was in his face and damp with perspiration that had gathered on his forehead. 

"I love you."

"You really do?"

"I really fucking do." Louis felt so fucking loved. Harry made him feel like the sun was something he built for him. Louis made Harry feel pretty special also. Harry's heart was swelling with affection for him, he loved him so much and he was just so happy he was sharing this moment with him right now. 

Harry kissed Louis passionately, breathing hard into his mouth, as did Louis. Harry reached down and wrapped his hand around his throbbing cock. Louis moaned loudly and only after a few tugs he came in spurts on his stomach and chest. Harry kept going before reaching his own climax and riding his high out before he just held himself up over Louis. 

"Ya pull out their pal, or what?" 

"You can't just call me pal after sex, Lou." Louis just smiled weakly. "Just wanted to catch my breath and wait a moment. You're supposed to pull out slowly or you could cause some bleeding." Louis just nodded. He was still trying to catch his breath himself. A moment later Harry pulled out ever so slowly and fell on top of Louis. 

The moment was serene and the only sound to be heard was the piano music and their heavy pants. The beads of sweat on Louis's face gleamed in the colors of the Christmas lights threaded through the bed frame. 

Harry reached into the drawer and pulled out a wash cloth making Louis laugh softly. Harry grinned and cleaned Louis up since he was a little messy. And after all was cleaned, he tossed the wash cloth back into the drawer and pushed it shut. 

He pulled up the blanket to their waists and laid down on his back beside Louis. They were both still trying to catch their breaths and sweat glimmered off their bodies. Louis turned on his side and snuggled up to Harry, resting his head on his chest. Harry kissed his forehead softly and wrapped his arm around him. 

"That was amazing." Louis whispered making Harry smile. "Except my asshole really hurts and feels all weird." His eyes were still shining. Harry sighed contently, he had never felt happier. 

"Sorry if it's messy down there because of me." He teased making Louis laugh lightly. "They have...things you can use to...clean." Now Harry was the one laughing. 

"Yeah, nothing's going near my asshole for awhile now." 

"Thank you," Harry blurted out. Louis looked at him a little confused. Was he thanking him for just sleeping with him or...? "For that night I had blurted out that I loved you. As embarrassing as it was, I really appreciate you being honest with me and not just repeating it back because you felt like you had too. And even if it happened twice, your honesty meant more than an empty gesture." 

"I love you." Harry looked down at him. 

"I love you too, and you know why I love you?" Louis looked up at him curiously. "Because I always thought it would be awkward and uncomfortable when two people cuddle together naked. Like, wouldn't it just feel awkward cuddling with someone and having your dick or vagina pressed against their bare thigh or vice versa?" Louis laughed softly. "I just always wondered how people could do that, but here we are, naked, and cuddling. And I don't feel awkward, or uncomfortable, or like I need to pull on boxers. I could just lie here with you like this forever." 

"Always." They both smiled lazily before snuggling together closer. Then they both drifted off to a peaceful sleep, relished in the warmth of each other's bodies.


	48. Chapter 48

It was 3 am when Louis stirred awake slowly. Harry was sound asleep on his back and Louis was lying on his stomach, half on top of Harry and half on the bed with their legs intertwined. He had one arm hooked around Harry's neck loosely and his other his under his head. It was dark except for the light of the Christmas lights threaded through the frame and the piano music had been turned off.

Louis moved his head up on Harry's shoulder and gazed up at him who was still sleeping. His skin was illuminated in the green and pink and blue lights which made him look oh so beautiful. 

The blanket was around their waists and Louis looked down at Harry's toned stomach. His skin was so soft and smooth. Louis tapped his finger against his stomach softly and sighed contently.

Harry shifted around slightly and Louis looked back up at him.

"G'morning," He said in a sleepy tone and fluttered his eyes open briefly before keeping them closed again. He had a smile on his lips and Louis smiled up at him. 

"It's 3 am." Harry laughed. 

"Then why the fuck are you awake?" 

"You're awake right now too!" Louis exclaimed and Harry laughed again softly, still having a little trouble keeping his eyes open. 

"Well sorry, usually when I wake up it's the morning." He joked and Louis chortled, rolling his eyes humorously at him, then sighed contently, letting his head fall against Harry's shoulder comfortably. "So how're you doing?" Harry asked sweetly. 

"Good, tired, sore," He joked. "You?" 

"Good, tired, sore." Harry teased and Louis nudged him.

"Kay, I have to ask," He then said and Harry opened his eyes, smiling down at him. 

"What?" He asked curiously.

"Why was the piano music all ready to play at the push of a button? I mean, it was almost like you were anticipating that moment with it all set to play." Louis said with a little laugh and Harry chuckled. 

"I always have that ready to play--not for stuff like that, but because I really like listening to it, I find it calming. So no, I was not anticipating this moment at all. In fact, I didn't even think in the realm of possibilities that it would happen, simply because I didn't know if you ready or how ready, and I didn't want to push you, so I figured I would let it be. But you totally surprised me." He grinned down at Louis and Louis smiled back at him. 

"Surprised myself." He turned on his side into Harry's chest and Harry sighed contently. "My ass hurts." Louis said making them both laugh. 

"You mean your asshole?" Harry teased and Louis rolled his eyes at him. 

"Shut up." He snickered before yawning. "I'm hungry." 

"And?" 

"And I'm hungry." Louis stated flatly and Harry grinned down at him. 

"Well what do you want me to do about it?" 

"Make me a snack." Louis said smiling up at him innocently. 

"It's 3 am!" Harry exclaimed and Louis laughed, turning his face into Harry's chest. 

"Which means it's snack time." He murmured happily. 

"But I'm too tired." Harry whined closing his eyes.

"But I'm too hungry." Louis mocked and Harry scoffed out a laugh. 

"Fine, get up and we can go down to the kitchen." Harry said moving to sit up and Louis sat up happily. He glanced down at the floor where their clothes were strewn all over the floor. He swung his legs over the edge and reached down to the floor, picking up his underwear, and putting it on. He stood up and pulled them all the way up before turning around to look at Harry who was smirking and sitting up at as well. 

"What're you smirking at?" Louis asked suspiciously crossing his arms and Harry just shrugged, picking up his own undergarment and pulling it up as he stood up. 

"Nothin'," He answered nonchalantly. "Just thinkin' about how handsome you are." Louis smiled at him spitefully and Harry stepped beside him, kissed his cheek, then walked to the door. He walked out into the hallway.

"Oh my gosh, did I really do that to your back?" Louis asked gazing at the scratches on Harrys back. Harry smiled at him over his shoulder and shrugged before turning back. 

"Guess so." Louis giggled and they walked downstairs into the dark kitchen until he turned on the light. "Anything in particular you want?" Louis took a seat on one of the stools at the counter and Harry stood on the opposite side, looking at him intently.

"Well what do you have?" Harry shrugged and turned around to the cabinets. Louis watched him as he opened random cupboards to inspect what was inside it. Louis marveled at him. He was so toned and muscular, you would never of guessed he used to be 90 pounds of skin and bones suffering from anorexia because now he was so ripped and fit. And Louis was so not. Sure, he wasn't as thin as he once was, but he was still small. He wasn't toned and muscular and strong, granted Harry had been out longer and spent more time at a gym, but still. He wanted to look like that and that feeling of want was something he was all too familiar with. It made his hunger twist into nothing. 

"We could make a sandwich." Harry suggested turning around and Louis shook his head. "There's chips?" Louis shook his head again. "Crackers? Pretzels? Granola bars?" Louis still shook his head. "Poptarts? A bagel? Soup? What do you want?" Harry asked and Louis just shrugged. 

"I don't know." 

"Well do you want, like, a snack or something more?" Harry asked and Louis just shrugged again. 

"I don't know, I'm not that hungry anymore." 

"What's wrong?" Harry asked seriously and Louis rose his eyebrow at him. 

"Something has to be wrong because I don't feel hungry anymore?" He asked.

"Well it's three in the morning, how do just lose your appetite so quickly?" 

"I don't know, I thought I was hungry and now I'm not." Louis stated in a bit of annoyance. 

"Louis," Harry scolded and Louis rolled his eyes at him. "Whatever, well, I'm hungry so I'm going to make a quesadilla." He announced. He knelt down and opened a cabinet before pulling out a skillet and placing it on the stove top.

"A quesadilla?" Louis snickered and Harry nodded, moving over to the fridge. 

"Yes, a quesadilla." He stated and Louis laughed. Harry pulled out a bag of shredded cheese, a plastic bag of pre cut slices of chicken, and some red and green peppers. 

He pulled out a cutting board, a knife, and started cutting up the peppers. He turned on the burner, spread some butter on it, then placed a tortilla down and sprinkled the cheese, chicken, and peppers on top. 

"I am quite the master chef." Harry said proudly and pulled out a spatula after placing a second tortilla on top. 

"Well if I could wake up every morning to this I wouldn't contradict." Louis teased smirking and Harry laughed. "Just don't burn down the house." Harry stuck his tongue out at him. 

"I'm cooking, not you." Louis nodded.

"Fine, I see how it is." Harry smiled at him. "Meanie." Louis stuck his tongue out at him and Harry mocked him, sticking his tongue back out at him as well. 

They continued to talk softly while Harry's quesadilla cooked. Once it was done Harry turned the burner off and moved it to a plate. He took out a knife and cut it in half, then half again so it was cut in four. He pulled out another plate and put two of the quesadilla triangles on it.

"Here," He pushed it in front of Louis. Louis laughed softly and shook his head. 

"Haz, I said I wasn't hungry anymore." He declined and Harry just shrugged, his mouth already full. 

"C'mon, you have to try it at least." He pushed the plate closer and Louis pushed it away. 

"No, really." Harry's smile slowly diminished as he looked at Louis seriously.

"Just eat it." He pushed the plate back.

"I don't want to." Louis rose his voice slightly and pushed it back again.

"Eat the fucking quesadilla." Harry demanded pushing the plate over to him yet again. 

"Do you even know how many calories are in that? There are over 530 calories in a single quesadilla." Louis snapped pushing it away and Harry just looked at him. "Oh god," Louis gasped sitting up. "Oh my god." He murmured pressing his hand to his forehead in dismay. 

"How the fuck do you know that?"

"Because I used to be so obsessed with calories and how many calories I was eating, I've practically memorized how many calories are in every food item I've ever eaten." He admitted. He rubbed his eyes and sighed. 

"What's wrong?" Harry asked solemnly. 

"Nothing," 

"Louis," Harry warned and Louis shrugged. 

"I'm not hungry anymore." Was all he said. 

"I feel like it's more than that." 

"I don't know. . .I just. . .you're all toned and muscular and I'm not and I just lost my appetite." 

"Louis," Harry whispered. 

"It's nothing-"

"No, it's not nothing." Harry said. Louis placed his chin in his palm and glanced down at the counter top glumly. "Talk to me." 

"What's there to talk about?" Louis asked not looking at him and Harry pursed his lips together. "I like your body, that's that." He said and Harry forced a laugh. 

"Well I like your body." He retorted and Louis scoffed. 

"Why?" He asked with a small amused smile and Harry looked at him sternly. 

"Because, I mean, look at you." He reached and took Louis's hand, raising his arm up. Louis stood up and stepped around the counter, stepping in front of Harry and looked down shyly. "Like, look at you. Wow." He raved with the utmost astonishment and Louis blushed. "Wow." He repeated. "When I first saw you you were so skinny and your skin was pale and your hair was thin, but now? Now you look so much healthier and your skin has so much more color and your hair is so much fluffier and thicker." He said animatedly. "God, you're just so beautiful. . .you are everything that is beautiful to me. You don't need to be toned and muscular to be beautiful or feel confident-"

"But I want to be."

"Then that's fine, but that doesn't mean you can't feel confident with the way you already are." Harry pulled him closer and holding his hand tighter. 

"It's hard to be confident when you wish you looked like someone else." Louis admitted timidly and Harry drew him close.

"Honey, where's all this coming from?" 

"I don't know," Louis mumbled. "I just wish I was more muscular and actually had, like, muscles and abs-"

"You have muscles and abs." Harry said and Louis laughed.

"No, I don't. I look like the Pillsbury dough boy." 

"Well then I think that's beautiful." Harry retorted seriously and Louis bit his cheek. "You look absolutely stunning and so absolutely beautiful, you don't know how proud of you I am."

"Well I'm proud of you too." Louis said looking up at him and squeezed his hand. Harry smiled. 

"And you don't know how proud I am to call you my boyfriend." He added and Louis flushed pink, biting his lip softly. 

"Oh please, I'm the one who should be proud." He rolled his eyes with a shy smile. 

"We should both be proud." Harry smiled back. "C'mon." Harry tugged his Louis's arm and dragged him out of the kitchen. 

"What about your quesadilla?" 

"This is more important." Harry dragged him up to the stairs and pulled him into the little bathroom. 

"Harry," Louis grumbled with a passive sigh and Harry stood Louis in front of the large sink mirror, standing behind him. Louis bit the inside of his cheek and Harry placed a hand on his waist softly.

"What do you see?"

"A loser." Louis grumbled glancing away.

"You know what a loser is?" Harry asked. 

"Me?" Louis mumbled under his breath and Harry took his hands in his again, linking their fingers together. 

"No, he's just the guy that won the least." Harry said. "And a winner is just the guy who won the most!" He exclaimed cheerfully.

"I want to win the most then." Louis said starring at the ground.

"We all want a lot of things, but winning doesn't mean anything." Louis looked up at him through the mirror. "It means something different to everyone. A person who wins the lottery could consider themselves a winner. A person who gets a promotion could consider themselves a winner. I consider myself a winner because tonight I got to make love to you." Louis blushed. 

"You're just saying that." He said bashfully and Harry got quite a stern look on his face.

"Nothing I ever say is said just to be said, its said because I mean it so don't blow it off as something that's just being said to make you feel better or some shit like that. What I say I actually mean, if I didn't mean it then I wouldn't say it. That'd be pointless, why would I waste my breath saying things that weren't supposed to mean something?"

"Okay." Louis said softly. "Thank you." 

"You're welcome." Harry bit his cheek. "I love you." He wrapped his arms around Louis's waist snuggly hugging him closely from behind. 

"I love you too." Harry pressed a soft kiss to his neck. He reached up and placed a finger under Louis's chin, tilting his head up so Louis was looking in the mirror. 

"Smile for me." Louis smiled. "Why're you smiling?"

"Because you told me to." Harry laughed.

"Have you ever heard the song God Damn You're Beautiful by Chester See?" He asked and Louis shook his head. "Well that song reminds me of you." He said kissing his cheek. 

"Stop being so sweet to me." Louis turned around an gazed up at Harry. "You're making me feel silly for making a fuss." 

"You weren't making a fuss, you were just feeling insecure and it's fine. No one said once you left you'd be 100% confident with your body. Do you know how many times I wished I had a body like someone else?" Harry said loosening his arms around Louis's waist. "Buts it's okay because you're a beautiful winner." 

"So are you." He teased and Harry chuckled. 

"I'm gonna take a shower-"

"What about your quesadilla?" 

"It's probably cold by now and it doesn't matter, I'll clean it up tomorrow. We'll be having breakfast in a few hours anyway." Harry said stepping towards the bathtub. He turned on the faucet then pulled up the nob so the shower started running. "Care to join or will I just see you in bed?" 

"Haz, it's 3 in the morning." Louis laughed. 

"I think we've both figured out I'm a little eccentric." Harry stated sticking his hand under the stream. "So?" Louis blushed. 

"Well how could I say no?" He teased walking over to the shower. Harry smirked at him and pulled his briefs down to his ankles, stepping out of them then into the shower. He smiled at Louis and Louis just blushed even harder. 

He pulled down his own underwear without even having to think twice about it and stepped in, pulling the shower curtain over. The water cascaded down Louis's back and over his shoulders. 

"Please tell me this isn't something you do regularly." Harry laughed. 

"Nope, I usually take my showers in the morning or when I get back from the gym." Louis slid his arms around Harry's neck and smiled up at him. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis's waist again. "God, you're so fucking beautiful." He whispered. 

"I wish everyone was like you." Louis responded softly. 

"Well, one day you're going to be grown up with kids whose definition of beauty will begin with the word dad because they'll see your heart before they see anything else and you'll only always be amazing." Harry said softly. "And you'll only always be beautiful."

"You're even more beautiful." Louis whispered back. 

"I don't think that's possible." Louis smiled at him. 

"I think it is." 

"You always get on me for being sappy when in reality you are just as sappy as I." Harry told him with a confident smirk. Louis laughed and just shrugged. 

"When I want to be. You're sappy all the time though." He told him.

"Is it so bad that I want to shower you with praise and affection?" Harry teased him and Louis just nodded with a smirk. 

"Ask me that once the honeymoon stage ends."

"Well with you that'll never end." Louis slugged him in the chest with his fist gently. 

"There you go again, being the biggest fucking sap in the universe." Harry just smiled guiltily before leaning down and kissing him. 

Their shower consisted of loud singing, stolen kisses (or snogs), and Harry getting soap in his mouth and eyes. After washing their hair and bodies, they dried each other off and dressed back in their underwear before landing themselves back in bed, where fell back asleep peacefully.

-

It was now the day Louis had been dreading forever it seemed. The day he would have to spend with godawful Dean. 

The day after Valentine's Day Louis had had breakfast with Harry before dressing in his clothes from the night before and heading home. He propped his little star certificate on his night stand and whenever he was feeling down he would just look at it and all his somber feelings would be wiped away, but even on this day looking at it couldn't make his feelings disappear. 

There was a small knock on his door and Dean peeked his head in. 

"Ready to go?" He asked. To be honest, Dean was little nervous to spend the day alone with Louis. He was a little intimidating. He was 20 year old boy with a 35 year old mouth. 

"Yeah, whatever." Louis rolled his eyes standing up. They had agreed on simply going to the mall because every other single thing Dean had suggested Louis shot down and Louis had no ideas of his own besides a shooting range which Dean shot down. "Lets just get this over with." He said walking down the stairs to the front door. 

"Have fun you two!" Jay called out from the kitchen and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Not likely." He grumbled walking out the door. The drive to the mall was very quiet itself and when they actually got into the mall they just wandered around not actually going into any stores or anything. 

"So," Dean spoke bravely after psyching himself up to for five minutes. "How have you been doing?" He asked.

"Why do you care?" Louis snapped. 

"Sorry." He apologized and Louis rolled his eyes. 

"That didn't even answer my question,"

"It was a rhetorical question." Dean retorted. 

"It was still a question." He huffed and Louis glanced around the mall. His eyes landed on a lemonade stand when he saw Harry and another girl. He smiled then walked over to him, catching Dean by surprise who dawdled behind, watching him. 

Harry's back was to Louis and Louis snuck up behind him.

"Hey stupid," Harry turned around with a smile. "Hah, you looked." 

"I recognized your voice, stupid." Harry teased and Louis laughed. He had a clear plastic cup of lemonade in his hands and was wearing a plain white shirt. 

"I'm not stupid." Louis defended and Harry laughed. He leaned in and kissed him sweetly. 

"This is my friend Sophia," He introduced and she smiled kindly. "Sophia, this is my boyfriend Louis." He smiled down at him. 

"Hi," She greeted sweetly. "I've heard a lot about you." She teased and Louis glanced up at Harry.

"Anyways, what are you doing here?" Harry asked him. 

"I'm here with Dean actually." He mumbled and turned over his shoulder to glance at Dean who stood ten feet back awkwardly. "So I should probably go, I just wanted to say hi." 

"Well hi." He teased. 

"Yeah, whatever." Louis rolled his eyes.

"I'll text you later to make sure you didn't kill him." Louis slugged him. 

"Well goodbye to you too." He stepped away and Harry laughed.

"Bye sweetheart," He called out and Louis smiled. He turned his back and walked back over to Dean. He didn't say anything, but continued walking. 

"That was Harry, right?" Dean asked. 

"Wow, you're so smart." Louis condescended and Dean grit his teeth. 

"I will not be condescended to in that tone." He scolded and Louis scoffed.

"That almost moved me, but then it didn't." He retorted with a shrug. 

"I know this isn't your ideal way to spend the day, and it isn't mine either, but we might as well make the best of it." Dean said sternly. 

"Or we can just walk around in silence then go home." 

"Well sorry I'm the only one trying to make an effort." 

"Oh please." Louis sneered. "What effort?" 

"An effort you aren't even putting forth. This isn't that easy for me either, I know it's harder for you, but you're not the only one having a hard time." Dean said sternly. 

"And what exactly are you having a hard time with?" Louis snapped.

"You." Dean stated. "You think you're easy to deal with? I want for us to get along, but it seems like nothing I say or do is right." 

"That's because nothing you ever do or say will be right." Louis retorted. 

"Then I give up."

"Didn't put up much of a fight." 

"Exhibit A." A small smile flickered across Louis's lips in amusement before he pursed them back together. They continued to walk around in silence. 

Ten minutes passed until they came upon the food court and decided to at least get a dipped ice cream cone from Carnival. They sat down at an empty table in silence until Dean excused himself to the restroom. 

Louis just rolled his eyes as he walked away and wiped his lips with his napkin.

The chair Dean had been sitting in was suddenly then pulled out as none other than Calvin Rodgers sat down across from him. Better know as the guy who tormented him most in high school, along with all his little minions.

He had a smug yellow smile on his face and Louis clenched his jaw. 

"Can I help you?" He asked calmly through the grit of his teeth. 

"Just wanted to stop by and say hi considering I haven't seen you in so long." He said a shit-eating grin and Louis took a deep breath. 

"Well hi, you can go now." Calvin just smiled. 

"So how have you been doing?" He asked sarcastically and Louis was doing everything in his power not to lunge across the table and tackle him to the ground. 

"What the hell do you want?" He asked raising his voice and Calvin held up his hands defensively. 

"Just wanted to see how you're doing." He said shrugging. "Heard you were in the hospital for a few months with an eating disorder." He added almost pridefully and Louis swallowed thickly. 

"Where the hell did you hear that?" 

"People talk." He replied slyly and Louis sat back quietly. Who talked? He didn't even tell anyone about him going into the hospital. . . "I thought girls only got eating disorders." He then said and Louis clenched his jaw. 

"25% of males develop eating disorders." He replied quietly. 

"So you're part of the other 75% then." Calvin stated smugly. 

"I've always admired people who can do math in their heads." 

"Do you like ice cream?" He asked leaning on the table with a sly smirk and Louis didn't say a word. "Or would you just throw it back up again on purpose?" He taunted. Louis still didn't anything, but he was visibly furious. "Well you know the famous saying, let them eat cake!" He exclaimed. "But we only have ice cream." He smirked wickedly as suddenly one of Calvins friends who had been standing behind Louis, which he was completely unaware of, took a bowl of ice cream smothered in whipped cream, and smashed it in Louis's face from behind. Louis gasped and the force caused his chair to teeter back on its back legs. Louis reached out blindly for the table to pull his chair back, but failed as his chair fell over backwards and he knocked his head against the tiled floor. 

Calvin and his friends burst out into a roar of laughter. Louis moved off his chair and sat up slowly, disoriented at first. He wiped the ice cream and whipped cream from his face. Their laughter stung and his chest hurt from how hard he was trying to not cry. 

"Aw," Calvin cooed insincerely and walked over to him, kneeling down. "Don't worry," He said. "We know how much you love cream." He smirked wickedly while one of the others called out the word faggot. 

Calvin stood back up, laughing. Louis grit his teeth and moved off the chair, standing up and wiping the ice cream out of his eyes. 

"What the hell is going on?" Dean asked walking up to them and Louis dropped his head into his hand.

"Who are you?" Calvin asked sassily. 

"Wrong answer, what the hell is going on right now?" Dean asked in a sterner tone and Calvin crossed his arms. 

"Just havin' a little fun 'sall," He said shrugging. 

"Having a little fun? If you're just having a little fun then why is he covered in ice cream?" Dean asked crossing his arms. 

"Look, grandpa-"

"Why is he covered in ice cream?" Dean interrupted raising his voice over Calvins. 

"Listen-"

"If you don't answer me I will call the authorities." He interrupted again. 

"The cops?" Calvin asked skeptically. 

"Unless you don't give me an answer as to why Louis has ice cream all over his head." He threatened. 

"It was just a joke, okay? Geez, calm down, would ya?" Calvin said nonchalantly. "I mean, anorexics gotta eat, right?" He added with a smirk and his friends all laughed lightly. 

"Oh, you think that's funny?" Dean asked sarcastically and Calvin just shrugged, nodding slightly. "Well you know what I think is funny? I think it's funny when people are so stupid that they feel the need to jeer at those with, or recovering from, an eating disorder or any other sort of mental disorder a person might have. Or even those who don't have a disorder. You think you're so tough because you have to make those around you feel so goddamn awful about themselves just to make your own self feel good? Well I got news kid, you're going to end up living a sad, sad life if that's how you have to live, by putting others down so you can feel superior. In fact, I feel sorry for you." Dean said sternly. "Why don't you just leave everyone else alone and worry about yourself? Okay?" He asked and Calvin was still quiet. "Now get out of here. I don't want to see you anywhere near him ever again." Calvin just scoffed.

"Whatever, jackass." He walked off followed by his henchmen and Dean handed Louis a handful of napkins. Louis cleaned off his face and wiped the cream out of his hair. He was still on the verge of tears and his throat was too tight to speak. 

He threw out his napkins and the rest of his ice cream cone. Dean was still fuming as they got to the car and climbed in. Louis's phone rang and he picked it up.

"Hello?" He answered in a strained voice. 

"Are you alright? Sophia and I were walking past the food court and I could see you standing there with food all over you and Dean was yelling at some guy." It was Harry.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine." Louis rubbed his eyes. "I, um, ran into one of my old tormentors from high school who dumped ice cream all over my head." He said half heartedly. 

"Oh my goodness, that's awful." 

"I've endured worse in high school, don't worry." 

"What are you doing now?" Harry asked.

"Going home." 

"Are you going to be alright?" He asked concerned.

"I'll be fine. I'll text you later." 

"Okay," Harry said. "I'll see you then,"

"See ya," They both hung up and Louis placed his phone in his lap. The car was silent. "Um, thank you for. . .that back there." He said softly. 

"You don't have to thank me." Dean nodded. "People like that make me sick." He was still seething. "So he's given you trouble before?" 

"Yeah, we went to high school together." Louis explained. 

"Well it's people like him who truly need help and guidance, but you mustn't waste your time worrying over his words or actions." He said. "I'm sorry that happened to you." 

"I'm used to it." Louis replied dismissively.

"Well you shouldn't be," Dean snapped. "But if you are, then that's not something that can be changed." 

"I wish." Louis mumbled.

"So," Dean said and Louis looked at him. "Nothing I ever do or say is going to right, huh?" He asked teasingly and Louis grinned. 

"With this one exception." He joked and Dean smiled. 

"So, have you thought about university or your future?" He asked and Louis shrugged.

"Not really. Thinking about the future has never really been my thing." He said with a shrug.

"You've never thought about?" Dean asked. 

"Not really," He shrugged again. "I mean, I'd still have to get my GED before I could apply to universities, but I haven't even thought about getting my GED. . .," He trailed off. "I just hope Harry's in it." 

And he truly did.


	49. Chapter 49

-11 years later-

"Um, there was a slight incident today regarding Luke." The lady with a slicked back bun and pointed glasses told them stiffly. Louis and Harry shared questionable glances with each other. 

"What happened?" Harry asked in concern. 

"Well, awhile ago his teacher, Mrs. Zeller, had the kids stand up and share what their parents did for their jobs and when Luke stood up he said his dad was a teacher and that his other dad was a doctor and that confused some of the other kids. One asked if he had a mum and he said no, that he had two dads, and some of the kids laughed. I guess a few kids had been taunting him, but he never really reacted until today. I guess, some of the kids started teasing him about not having a mum at recess and Luke got mad and shoved one of the kids over." She explained. Louis and Harry both looked at each other again. 

"So the problem is that he's getting bullied. We know that." Louis stated and the uptight principle pursed her lips together tightly. They knew that when Harry had gone to pick him up from school and he was in tears because the older kids had been taunting him. 

"No, the problem is that he shoved the kid over on the concrete and the kid hit his head."

"Oh, I'm sorry, what hospital was he brought to?" Louis asked in feign interest. 

"He wasn't brought to a hospital-"

"So he wasn't injured other than maybe a little bump on his head because he was taunting our child and Luke just pushed him over? He's six for Christ's sake, how hard could he have shoved him?" 

"We have an extremely low tolerance for violence-"

"Violence?" Louis repeated incredulously. "He wasn't violent, nothing that seemed to happen was violent, he just shoved the kid as an act of self-defense practically. Sure, he shouldn't have done that, but the other kids shouldn't be heckling him about not having a mum or anything. When I was in school these three guys would literally beat the shit out of me. That's violent. But a six year old shoving over another kid? Sure, he shouldn't have done that, but that's not violent. Plus, you said the kid wasn't hurt. If anyone was hurt it was Luke because he came home in tears the other day saying the kids were telling him that he wasn't normal because he didn't have a mum-"

"Mr. Tomlinson, this is a Catholic school." She kindly interrupted which just added more fuel to Louis's fire. 

"Oh, you're right, I forgot that's supposed to justify your students telling my son he's a freak because he has two gay dads. Who the fuck cares? Aren't you supposed to teach your students to be respectful, and considerate, and understanding, and just all around kind to others?" He asked furiously. 

"Louis, we want to get rid of the problem, not create a bigger one." Harry whispered to him and Louis just rolled his eyes. 

"I'm sorry, but this is absolutely ridiculous. Catholic school or not, that does not justify the act of harassment." He said sternly. The principal shook her head and turned to Harry. 

"Look, is there a resolution you have in mind for this?" He asked wearily and Louis rolled his eyes again, crossing his arms. 

"Like telling the kids who were bullying him to knock it off?" He suggested sarcastically. The principal sighed and Harry smiled a bit as she turned to him. 

"Mr. Styles-" 

"Tomlinson-Styles." Louis quickly corrected and she peered at him narrowly. "Because, you know, we are a couple, we've been married for over eight years, I can show you our marriage certificate if you'd like." He said crossly. "And I'd like to think you'd have the audacity to address us by our proper names so it's either Tomlinson, Tomlinson-Styles, or nothing at all because that is our proper last name."

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave," She said curtly and Louis scoffed. 

"I have a right to be in here as Luke's parent, being as we are talking about him." He retorted and she grit her teeth.

"Only one of you really needs to be here." 

"Well you got two of us, the more the merrier." He replied cynically and smiled a little smugly. 

"All we ask is that Luke apologizes to the boy." 

"And the other kids will apologize too right? For bullying him?" 

"If they apologize then they do, I'm not going to force them to." 

"Then you can't force Luke to apologize." Louis retorted stubbornly. 

"Well if that's the case then you can just keep Luke home tomorrow." The lady replied wickedly.

"Are you saying our child can't come to school unless he apologizes for pushing over a kid who was bullying him? Why aren't you doing anything about the kids making fun of him!" Louis rose to his feet furiously and the principal just looked up at him. "This is outrageous! What kind of fucked up world are we living in where the principal of our kids school is actually defending the kids who are bullying him?" He practically shouted. "Fucking do something about it or I will." He threatened. 

"Get out." She said not raising her voice in the slightest. Louis grit his teeth. 

"After you get out of your homophobic mindset and focus on the well being and safety of your students." He said sternly. Harry reached up and grabbed Louis's hand, squeezing it softly. 

"Lou, why don't you step outside and take a breather." He suggested and Louis shook his head. 

"Not unless you come with me." Harry took a deep breath and stood up. 

"If you'll please just excuse us for a moment." He said sincerely and she nodded. Louis pulled Harry out of the room with him and closed the door right behind them so they were standing in the main office. Outside the main office Louis could see Luke sitting on the floor against the wall with his backpack also with their four year daughter Madeleine, whom Louis had to bring along.

"I'm not going to let her force Luke to apologize and do absolutely nothing about the kids who are bullying him." Louis told him sternly and crossed his arms. 

"Just because they would apologize doesn't mean they wouldn't bully him again."

"Who knows though?" Louis said. "Kids need to be taught that's it's not okay to bully or taunt other kids." 

"Louis, this isn't a battle worth fighting." Harry said softly. 

"There are kids in this school telling our son that it's not normal and weird to have two dads, that he's going to be gay like us, and a bunch of other fucked up things no child should even be saying!" He exclaimed. 

"He's a strong kid-"

"Who you brought home in tears the other day, Harry. He's a kid, it's not his job to be strong." Louis interrupted. "And I do not like this principal at all. She's a bitch." 

"And you aren't exactly helping. We're here to relieve the situation, not make it worse." Louis rolled his eyes. 

"Let's just pull him out and put him in public. This school is obviously not as good as they make themselves out to be." He stated with a huff of annoyance. 

"He already said he wanted to stay when we asked him." Harry said softly. 

"Well it breaks my heart sending him to a school that bullies him." 

"But he also has a lot of good friends here with parents we are friends with." Louis sighed and uncrossed his arms. 

"I'm not going back in there, you are. But don't let her slide with letting the kids bullying him slide, okay? He's not going to be the only one apologizing, got it?" Harry smiled. 

"We both know you're more persuasive than I." He laughed. 

"Yeah, well, I'm this close to losing my temper and we all know how pleasant I am when that happens, so I'm counting on you." Louis told him in an austere tone.

"I won't let you down." He kissed his cheek before stepping backwards to the closed door. Louis smiled then turned around and walked out of the main office and into the hallway. Luke and Madeleine looked up at him. 

"Are we leaving?" He asked and Louis shook his head. He walked over to the wall and sat down beside him then pulled Maddie into his lap.

"Dads still talking to your principal." He stated with a small smile and looked down at him. "She told us that you shoved a kid over at recess today." He then said seriously and Luke was quiet. "Wanna tell me why?" Luke was quiet. "Luke," He said in a sterner tone.

"He was standing really close to me and saying how having two dads is not normal and that I should have a mum so I pushed him back and he fell. I didn't mean to push him so he'd fall, I didn't like how close he was to me." Luke explained. 

"Honey, you could've stepped away or asked him to step away." Luke just stared down at his lap. 

"Everyone else has a mum, is it not normal to have two dads?" He asked. Louis exhaled and turned to him. 

"It doesn't matter if you have two dads, or two mums, or one mum, or one dad, or even an aunt or uncle, or a relative who takes care of you. All that matters is that you have people who love you and care for you and want the best for you. There are plenty of children in this world who have two dads or mums. There are some children who don't even have any parents, so it's normal for kids to not have a mum and it's also normal for kids to have two dads. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise." Luke looked up at him. 

"I'm glad I have two dads." He said making Louis smile. 

"Good." 

"How come dads still talking to the principal and you aren't?" Luke asked glancing up at him.

"Well, I might've almost lost my temper and she kicked me out." Louis chuckled and Luke laughed softly. 

"Wow." Louis shrugged. 

"I have a low tolerance for stupid people." He stated making Luke laugh. 

"Me too." He joked and Louis smiled in amusement. The door to the main office opened and Harry stepped out alongside the still surly looking principal. Louis stood up, propping a sleepy Maddie on his hip, and dusted himself off before grabbing Luke's hand and helping him up with his free hand. He slid his backpack on his shoulders and stared at the floor timidly. 

"It was nice talking with you." Harry said kindly and stuck out his hand. 

"My pleasure." She replied shaking his hand. Louis rolled his eyes and Harry stepped beside him. 

"Have a good afternoon." He nodded. 

"You too." She actually smiled before stepping back into the office. 

"So how was the wicked witch of the west?" Louis asked sarcastically and Harry laughed. 

"I'll tell you about it later." He said with a smile. Harry walked over to the other side of Luke so Luke was between them. "So how was your day, baby bear?" He asked grinning down at him and Luke just shrugged. 

"Okay." He answered flatly and Harry just smiled contently. 

"I have to run by the high school real quick, I accidentally left the folder with the tests on my desk." He said to Louis. 

"And I have to run to the store to buy a tie and pick up Christopher from my mums, so I'll just meet you at home." He added as they walked out to the empty parking lot. 

"What's wrong with the ties you have?" Harry asked. 

"They're all ugly." Louis sneered making Harry laugh. "Can you take Madeleine with you? She would not lie down for her nap today and it's catching up with her and I don't think she wants to get dragged to the store with me." He said lightly and Harry nodded, reaching out and taking Maddie.

"Have fun." He teased pausing by Louis's car. He leaned in and kissed him quickly. "Pick something that matches your eyes." He stepped away and Louis smiled, rolling his eyes. 

"I'll see you boys at home." He waved playfully, opening the car door. Harry grinned then reached down and took Luke's hand before starting the trek to Harry's car. 

Louis smiled contently and drove to the department store to find a tie for his interview tomorrow. Finally, after 9 long years of school and studying and working and just everything it seemed Louis got his PhD in psychology and was ready to make it big. Well, not make it big but make a living. Harry's teaching salary just wasn't enough sometimes. 

The first place he interviewed for went well, but he didn't get the job so he was only on his second interview, but his nerves were already getting the better of him. 

He went to store and took about fifteen minutes to find the ties and actually pick one out. He bought it then sped over to his mothers house to pick up their four month old son, Christopher. 

When they decided they wanted to have kids their first thought was adoption, but after weeks and weeks of meetings and discussions they decided on surrogacy. Shortly after they found their surrogate, they decided on who would be the donor. Luke had Harry's genes, but with dirty blonde hair and brown eyes you wouldn't of been able to guess. Madeleine had Louis's genes, and with her blue eyes and fiery temper it would be easy to guess. They didn't know whose genes Christopher had, though. For Chris, their last child, they went with a swirl, where both of them donated semen and the doctors swirled them both together beforehand, so they didn't know whose sperm made it to the egg first. 

All they knew was that he had brown eyes as well and dark, dark hair. 

"There's my little prince," He cooed taking Christopher from his mothers arms and kissed his cheek. Jay smiled. "Thank you so much for watching him, how was he?" 

"An absolute joy, you know I love watching him and Doris loves playing with him." She raved. 

"Well thank you, I really appreciate it." He knelt down to his little car seat and placed him in before strapping him in securely. 

"So how was the meeting with the principal?" She asked as Louis stood back up. 

"Hellish," He groaned rolling his eyes. "The principal is a complete bitch. Some of the older kids have been bullying him about having two dads and apparently today at recess one of the kids was standing really close to him, heckling him, and Luke pushed him back and he fell over and hit his head. The kid was fine, he wasn't injured, but they're making Luke apologize and doing absolutely nothing about the kids who are bullying him. I got fed up and was like, well he's not apologizing if the kid who was bullying him doesn't apologize and the principal said that if that was the case then Luke couldn't come to school, which is absolutely ridiculous." He scoffed. "By that point I was really pissed and stepped outside with Harry, then I sent him back in because I was done talking with the godawful principal and Harry hasn't told me what they settled on yet, so I don't know how it all played out but I can tell you this, the kids who are bullying him are not going to get away with it." He finished with a deep breath.

"Well I hope it gets settled peacefully, let me know what happens." She said with a small smile and Louis nodded.

"Trust me, you'll hear about it." He joked and bent down, picking up the diaper bag that was all neat and ready to go beside the carseat. "Thanks for watching him again, tell everyone I said hi." He said with a smile and picked up the carrier. 

Jay wished them a sweet goodbye and good luck on his interview tomorrow. Louis secured Christopher's car seat in the backseat and drove home to their flat.

"Haz, that guy down the hallway is acting freaky again." Louis announced walking in to find Harry in the kitchen. He dropped the diaper bag and walked over to the kitchen table, placing the car seat on top of it. 

"What happened?" He asked wiping his hands with a cloth and leaned against the counter. On the stove top was a pot of boiling water. He noticed a box of raw macaroni noodles on the counter. 

"He was walking into the complex as well and he asked me if I ever heard voices telling me to do bad things." Louis told him flatly. "I'm serious, I don't feel safe, it makes me nervous with him right next to us." 

"I think he stopped taking his medication." Harry said and Louis rolled his eyes.

"Think? Obviously!" He exclaimed. He unclipped Christopher from his car seat and picked him up before walking towards the kitchen.

"How's my little prince?" Harry cooed taking him from Louis's arms.

"I'm well," Louis answered and Harry laughed dryly, rolling his eyes at him. Louis smiled brightly and opened the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water.

"I was talking about my prince, not my king." He whispered kissing Christopher's cheek. 

"So what did she say?" Louis said after taking a sip from the bottle. 

"She's going to make the boy apologize as well." 

"And?" 

"And that's it." Harry stated flatly. 

"What about the other kids? The other occurrences? The actual bullying?" Louis asked crossing his arms and leaning against the counter. 

"If it happens again-"

"You know damn well it will," 

"Then we can go in and talk to the principal again, maybe see if we can talk to the parents of the kids." Harry finished calmly. Louis grit his teeth before exhaling and uncrossing his arms.

"Fine. . .for now I guess." He said dismissively and Harry smiled. 

"Good, now can you take Christopher again? I have to finish dinner." Louis nodded, taking Christopher back into his arms. He was so warm and snuggly. He walked out into the living room which had toys strewn all over the place. Luke was lying on the couch in his school clothes and Madeleine was curled up on the floor with her favorite blankie. 

"Luke, you know you're supposed to change out of your school clothes when you get home, go change." He scolded. Luke let out an exasperated sigh and stood up, dragging his feet to his room down the hall. 

Louis set Christopher down in his little pac-n-play then stood back up. He went back to the little dining room and picked up the car seat, putting it away properly. 

"Dinner should be ready in just a few," Harry called out as Luke came running down the hallway in play clothes and jumped on the couch. 

"I'll set the table." So Louis set the table, sat Maddie and Luke in their chairs, Christopher in his high chair, and they had a simple dinner. Luke complained about his math homework, Maddie complained about having to eat her green beans, Harry complained about some rowdy kids in his fourth period, and Louis complained about his interview. Louis loved his family. 

Afterwards, Louis cleaned the dishes while Harry helped Luke with his math. Then they fed Christopher, gave him a little bath, and at 7:15 they all settled down on the couch to watch a movie. Luke sat between them and Maddie was curled up on Harry's lap while Louis held Christopher against his chest. They decided to watch Up.

Once it was over, Louis placed Christopher in his crib and he and Harry helped Luke and Maddie get ready for bed. They brushed their teeth, dressed in their pajamas, read a bedtime story to Maddie, then kissed them both goodnight and turned out the light. 

-

"So what're you doing?" Louis curled up to Harry's side and he chuckled softly, removing the pen from between his lips. 

"Grading the tests from our Of Mice and Men unit." He explained and Louis smiled. It was 11 o'clock and Louis's nerves were keeping him from falling asleep. Harry, though, was still up grading tests.

"Is that a book?" 

"Yeah." He nodded. 

"I don't think I've read it." 

"Considering you weren't sure if it was a book or not, I'm not surprised." Harry teased smiling down at him and Louis stuck his tongue out at him. 

"I'm nervous for my interview tomorrow." He then said lackadaisically. Harry capped his pen and closed the manilla folder of tests, placing both on top of his nightstand. 

"Honey, you're going to do great. You have nothing to be worried about." Harry assured turning on his side and Louis pursed his lips together. 

"Yes I do, I'm brand new, this is my first real professional job, what if someone else gets interviewed and actually has experience?"

"Sweetie, you are worrying about nothing. Everyone was once a newbie too, but eventually they got a job, they got experience, if you don't get this job, then you'll get the next one." Harry reassured and Louis rolled his eyes at him. 

"But I really want this one." He whined and Harry chuckled. He wrapped his arm around him and pulled Louis onto his lap. Louis laughed and smiled down at him.

"And it'd be fantastic if you got it, but if you by chance don't then we'll just look for the next best thing." 

"Well we might as well start looking now," Louis said sarcastically. 

"Louiiiis," Harry groaned. "Don't be so insecure, be confident!" He exclaimed.

"That's a lot easier said than done, Haz." Louis grumbled and Harry smirked at him. Suddenly he rolled over, moving overtop Louis and pinning his wrists against the bed. Louis giggled up at him and Harry leaned down, kissing him softly. 

"You move fast for an old man." He teased and Harry rolled his eyes at him.

"Sounds like someone's needs a little pick-me-up." He smirked.

"Haz, Christopher is right there." Louis whispered.

"He's also 4 months old." Harry whispered promiscuously.

"And our 4 year old is right next door and just falling asleep, as is our 6 year old." Louis added and Harry just smiled.

"Well we'll be quiet." He leaned down, pressing his body against Louis's and buried his face in his neck, kissing it needily. 

"Harry," Louis chuckled before his breath caught. "Harry, we can't." He said with a little laugh.

"C'mon Lou, we haven't been intimate in over a month, I think we both deserve it." Harry looked down at him intently. He let go of Louis's wrists and Louis wrapped his hands around Harry's waist, rubbing his back gently.

"We can add that to the never ending list of things we used to do before we had kids." 

"Louis," Harry whined and Louis laughed.

"We have three children now and we live in a little flat, we can't afford to be intimate, Luke or Maddie could come walking into our room at any moment." Harry sighed.

"Well then jam something up against the door so they can't, plus they know they're supposed to knock before entering our room." He said and Louis laughed softly. 

"Another night." Harry pouted. "Sorry, baby." Louis teased and leaned up, kissing his forehead. Harry moved up off of him and Louis sat back up.

"Fine, but we're setting up a date night one of these weekends and we'll get my mum, or your mum, or someone to watch the kids for the night, so we can go out to dinner or something and then we can home and I can fuck you." 

"Harry!" Louis slapped his chest and Harry laughed heartily, his eyes twinkling. "Keep talking like that and the only person you'll be fucking is yourself." He threatened and Harry laughed again. 

"C'mon sweetheart, you know I'm just teasing you." He said and Louis smiled, rolling his eyes at him. Suddenly then there was a knock on the door and Louis smirked at him. 

"See? I told you." He condescended and Louis climbed up off the bed and went to the door.

"But I'm half hard!" Harry whispered frantically and Louis waved him off. 

"Use the hallway bathroom." He said before opening the door to Luke. 

"Can't sleep, baby bear?" He asked kneeling down. 

"The people downstairs are being loud again." He pouted and Louis sighed, standing back up. 

"Okay, come in here." For a while they had been having a battle with the tenants in the flat below them. In the middle of the night they'd blare music, talk really loudly, or holler out curse words at a video game and it was directly under Lukes room so for the past month Luke had been crawling into Louis and Harry's room so he could sleep in silence. They talked to the landlord about the problem, but he did nothing. So they actually went down to talk to the people. They said they'd be quieter but they only seemed to be louder. 

Luke walked into the room and crawled up onto their bed. 

"We need a house." Louis stated as Harry climbed up off the bed. 

"I second that." He joked and walked out of the room and into the bathroom. Louis smiled, laughing, and closed the bedroom door. 

"Can we watch a movie?" Luke asked and Louis shook his head. 

"It's already 11 o'clock, it's way passed your bedtime." Luke pouted, batting his long eyelashes at him. "Plus you have school tomorrow, and it's a mass day as well which means it's an early day." He said walking over to the bed. "So come on, under the blankets!" Louis clapped his hands together softly and pulled down the sheet. 

"But I'm not tired." He whined and Louis laughed softly. 

"And I thought I wasn't tired at this time when I was your age, but the next morning my mum could hardly drag me out of bed." He said sitting on the edge. 

"But I really am not tired." He insisted and Louis shook his head. 

"You still need to sleep." Luke laid down in the middle of the bed and Louis sat up on the left side, his side. He pulled the blanket over them and soon all he could see was Luke's head peaking out from under the blanket. 

The bedroom door opened again and Harry walked in holding Madeleine in his arms.

"Guess who I found watching the television in the living room?" He announced closing the door and Louis smiled at them. 

"What? She can watch a movie and I can't?" Luke spoke up and Harry laughed, walking around to his side of the bed. 

"No, she was supposed to be sleeping." Harry said and set Maddie down on the bed. She climbed under the blanket next to Luke. "Gonna be a full bed tonight." Harry joked. He walked back over towards the door and flipped the light switch so the room was dark except for the light from his lamp. 

"Bedtime for us, bedtime for us." Louis sang snuggling down and resting his head on the pillow. 

"I'm not tired." Luke said again whereas Maddie was already drifting off. 

"You still need to try and go to sleep, baby bear." Louis said as Harry climbed on his side of the bed. 

"I want to watch The Avengers." 

"Sorry, baby bear." Harry said. "But you have school tomorrow, you need to go to bed, so good night." He added and Luke sighed. 

"Fine." He said stubbornly and turned on his side, curling into the end of the pillow. 

"Goodnight," Harry repeated and Luke ignored him. "Luke." Luke sighed.

"Goodnight." He grumbled mad that he couldn't watch a movie. Louis smiled in amusement and Harry pulled his manilla folder onto his lap again and uncapped his pen. 

Louis gazed at Luke who looked so docile and innocent, then Maddie who was already sound asleep peacefully. He gazed over at Christopher who was also sound asleep in his little crib and wondered how he ever doubted his life would end up like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like 50 chapters is way to long for ao3 but oh well.


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> congratulations you made it to fiftyth and final chapter, your reward is this crappy last chapter.

Louis could feel his heart beating violently in his chest. Sitting in front of him, around the long table, were four different doctors along with the superintendent of the hospital at the head of it. And he recognized one of the doctors too. Dr. Wentz was sitting to his left. That still didn't deter his nerves, though. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt as nervous as he was. 

"So, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself." The superintendent was big and broad. He looked like a body builder of some sort. And that just made him all the more intimidating. Louis swallowed dryly, trying to remember about what Harry told him about appearing confident and prepared. Not nervous and antsy which is exactly what he was.

"My name is Louis Tomlinson and I'm 30 years old. I graduated from the University of Leeds with a PhD in Clinical Psychology, specializing in eating disorders. I had originally started off just at the local college in Doncaster, after getting my GED, thinking I wanted to just become an art teacher, but soon on I realized that what I really wanted to do was help people who struggle with the same thing I once struggled with, so after accepting my transfer, I started my second year of uni at Leeds and graduated in May."

"What influenced to choose this career path?" Louis swallowed thickly. 

"When I was younger I struggled with an eating disorder." He stated. "I struggled with anorexia for about 3 or so years, give or take, and after I moved passed that chapter of my life and was looking into what I wanted to do I realized that what I really wanted to do was help kids, other people, who are struggling with the same way I once did." He noticed himself slouching and straightened his posture, but his back was beginning to ache and all he wanted to do was lie down. 

"That's very nice." The superintendent remarked rather neutrally before glancing down at some papers before him and marking something down. Then, with the scrape of mental against the floor, he pushed his chair back and stood up which must've been the signal because then the other four doctors stood up as well. Louis looked around in confusion. "Come with us." 

Louis scrambled up to his feet and was quick to be the last one out the door. He just trailed behind the wall of doctors timidly, following them through the halls before he noticed they were in the EDU. They approached a closed door before the superintendent paused outside of it. He turned to Louis making his heart stop. 

"Inside here are the patients of this unit waiting for group therapy to begin. You've got one hour to show us you're right for this job." Louis tried to remain cool and composed, but what the hell kind of interview was this? At his last place all they did was take turn asking him various questions, now he actually had to run group therapy for an hour? He was about to pass out. 

"Okay." What he really wanted to say was 'um, I beg your pardon?' but that would've been inappropriate and he and Harry both needed this job badly. The superintendent and other doctors walked to a door a few feet down from the one Louis was supposed to be walking through. 

He reached out and opened the door, stepping inside where everyone turned and stared at him. They were all seated in a circle looking rather bored. The room was very bland besides than some inspiration posters taped to the wall and two windows filtering in beautiful sunlight. How was everyone in the other room observing him? Was there a two way mirror somewhere? A camera?

He smiled briefly and closed the door before walking around the circle to the only other empty chair. Their were about 12 or so kids sitting around him. 

"Good morning, I'm Dr. Tomlinson." He greeted sitting down. 

"I've never seen you here before." One of the girls said softly. 

"Well, that's just it, I'm new here today. Why don't we all go around and introduce ourselves so I can get to know you a bit more." He suggested earning an annoyed groan from most of the lot. Louis laughed softly. "I know it's probably not enjoyable, but I would at least like to know your names. As I've already said, I'm Dr. Tomlinson." He turned to the girl on his left. 

"I'm Marianela." She said softly.

"I'm Ava." The next girl added. 

"Naomi."

"Cole." Said one of the two males in the circle. 

"My names Nova."

"I'm Scarlet, but people just call me Scar." Another girl added. 

"Lynn."

"I'm Gabrielle."

"Mason."

"Hazel."

"Courtney."

"My names Erandi." 

"Well it's nice to meet you all." Louis said with a soft smile. Now what was he supposed to do? Like, he knew what he was supposed to do, but he knew nothing about the people sitting around him. He didn't know what they had talked about, were talking about, what type of state they were all in. They all looked bored, and some surly. "So why don't you bring me a little up to speed on what you've been talking about or discussing." He said and no one said anything. "Anyone have anything?" He asked glancing around. 

"How old are you?" One of the girls, Ava, blurted out and everyone turned to look at her. "Because you look too young to be a doctor." 

"Well, I am 30 years old and I graduated just last May, actually." He explained with a smile. 

"Oh, that's great, they just shoved a guy in here with no experience." Naomi snapped in annoyance. Louis just shrugged.

"I wasn't granted my PhD by simply doing nothing." He simply replied. "I went to 9 years of school, give me some credit." He added lightly and with a small smile. She just rolled her eyes. "So since no one knows what you've been talking about, how about we just throw out a brand new topic. What's something someone wants to talk about?" Everyone was quiet still. They all either stared at the floor bored or glanced around the room uninterested. Louis was feeling his patience wear thin. "Who here wants to get better?" He asked bluntly and in a harsh tone. 

Again, no one said anything. Louis was beginning to wonder if they even had the ability to say something besides their own name. He pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. 

"So no one wants to get better? You all just want to stay in the place you are and live like that for the rest of your life? Because trust me, the longer you live this way the more likely you are to actually die from it and I know you probably think that that won't happen to you, but I have lost 2 friends to eating disorders so believe me when I say that it can and it will happen to you."

"What do you expect us to say?" Cole then snapped a him angrily. "Just because you have a PhD in this doesn't mean you know a goddamn single thing about what we're going through. You have no idea what it feels like, what we feel and grow through every single fucking day here. So you can preach about your PhD all you want but you will never understand what it is like to have an eating disorder." Louis smiled at him sweetly, in an almost patronizing way. 

"I will never understand?" He repeated and Cole nodded in annoyance. "Okay, I am going to tell you guys a little story." He clasped his hands together. "When I was an adolescent, around most of your guys ages, I went from weighing 175 pounds to weighing 88." Most of their eyes widened. "For around three years I struggled with anorexia and that's not even counting the years after treatment. I spent five months in this same exact hospital. I sat in this same exact circle, granted it was in the dayroom, but I have been in your same exact position. I know exactly what you're going through, what you're feeling, and how you're feeling. I went through it all too so don't you dare tell me that I will never understand what it is like to have an eating disorder because trust me, I understand all too well what it's like and it's hell on earth, I can tell you that." Cole looked more solemn now.

"I am sorry I made a judgement." He said softly. "I had no idea." 

"I accept your apology." Louis replied softly. He glanced at all their solemn faces again. "So you guys don't have to feel like I won't understand what you're going through. Granted I won't understand it directly from your perspective, but I'll still have a fairly accurate understanding because I was once in your place. Literally. I used to have my one-on-ones with Dr. Wentz." He explained finishing with a little laugh and elicited a few small smiles making him smile even wider. "Okay, so," He clapped his hands together. "What have you guys been discussing?" Everyone was quiet. 

"Nothing." One of them deadpanned. 

"Oh, so for an hour you guys just sit here in silence?" They nodded back in a sarcastic way. Louis just smiled and nodded. "Okay then, we'll just continue that." Louis leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. 

And they all just sat there silently. Louis knew he was probably completely nixing his chance of getting the job, he was hoping at some point someone would speak up because they wanted to get better. But no one did. And so for forty five minutes they all just sat in the circle, looking around at each other waiting for someone else to speak. But no one said a word. Once an hour was up Louis cracked his knuckles and stood up. 

"How come no one spoke up?" He asked, but still, everyone was quiet. "I didn't speak up because I'm not the one who needs help anymore. You probably think that this last hour was a waste of your time, and it was, but it didn't have to be." He said sternly. "I wanted someone to speak up, to want to talk about something to work on to help you guys out, but if none of you can think of anything you want to work on then how am I supposed to believe you want to get better?" Everyone kept their eyes down. Louis just sighed and glanced around for a moment. He took a deep breath. "I can not get better for you. No doctor, nurse, friend, or family member can beat this for you, you have got stop fighting against yourself and start fighting with yourself because only you can beat your eating disorder. I...spent so much time fighting against myself and fighting against the doctors and the nurses and that was just a habit of mine I had gotten into so for awhile when I was first here I felt like everything was getting worse and that I would never feel better. But once I actually start working with everyone here trying to help me instead of working against them I began to feel better and then soon I wanted to get better. Do you want to sit in this circle forever? Because that's what going to happen is you never take the initiative that you want to get better. And maybe some of you already have and you're just shy or quiet, but when things are silent that's your opportunity to bring up something to benefit you and everyone else here because if you're not talking then you know who is? That E.D. voice in your head." Some had looked up at him, but they all still looked meek and pale. "Now...I have to go, but I wish you all the best of what the world has to give. I know you can all get through this." He walked over to the door. "Have a good rest of the day." He opened the door and stepped into the hallway.

He wiped the sweat from his forehead and loosened his tie. God, he couldn't breathe. The door the superintendent and other doctors had hidden away in opened and they all filed out. Most of the doctors dispersed, but the superintendent approached him with an indiscernible poker face. 

"Thank you for your time. We'll be in contact within the next few days." 

"Thank you as well." Louis swallowed thickly then stuck out his hand politely. The superintendent finally cracked a small smile and shook his hand. He turned and walked off. Louis let out the breath he was holding. He glanced down the hallway to find Dr. Wentz still standing outside the door. "I didn't just totally embarrass myself in there, did I?" Dr. Wentz laughed. He had surely aged, but the only noticeable thing was his hair that was more grey than it was dark brown. 

"I thought you did well." Louis forced a laugh, walking forward a bit. 

"I sat in there in silence for forty minutes. I don't think I really demonstrated that I'm the right man for the job." He explained with a shrug. 

"Well, I can't say anything, but I thought you did well." Louis just smiled softly, rolling his eyes. "It's good to see you again."

"Likewise. I never thought I'd ever step foot in this building again." 

"How have you been?" 

"Pretty good, obviously still searching for a job." 

"You graduated in May, you said?" Louis refrained from cringing because it sounded so bad on his part that he graduated in May and it was already fucking September. 

"Yeah, I had a bit of trouble finding a job because Harry and I actually had another little boy then while Harry was working I was trying to take care of him and our younger daughter and I thought that with the summer I'd have more time, but I only had less time and Harry still worked during the summer so...its just been very chaotic." He rubbed the back of his neck before taking a deep breath. 

"You and Harry actually ended up staying together?" Dr. Wentz asked sounding quite surprised and Louis nodded happily. 

"Yes, surprisingly." He joked. "We've been married for eight years." It was the best eight years of his life and how animated their love still was was astounding. He was so happy with him. He was so happy with himself. And he was so happy with how his life was. 

"Well that's nice to hear, and you have two kids?" 

"No, three actually. Luke is six, Madeleine is four, and Christopher is four months." 

"Ooh, four months is a joyous age." Dr. Wentz joked and they both laughed together softly. 

"Oh yes, I love it." He joked back. Dr. Wentz smiled softly then sighed contently. 

"Well, it was a pleasure seeing you again, but I must get back to work." Louis nodded. 

"And I must get home." Dr. Wentz stuck out his hand which Louis shook graciously. 

"Take care." They both nodded before walking passed each other. Louis headed towards the entrance of the EDU, leaving with a smile on his face. Something he had done only once before.

-

Days had passed and there was still no phone call, until Saturday. 

"I'm home." Louis announced locking the door behind him. He had spent a busy day having to run to the store, the bank, and post office, then there was a build up on the streets due to an unsightly car crash and it took him forever to get back home. "Any calls?" He asked rather apprehensively. He placed some bags on the kitchen counter then walked into the living room where Harry was lounged out with a book in his hands. 

He closed his book and sat up. Louis sat down on the edge of the couch by his feet. 

"No calls, don't worry." Louis closed his eyes, exhaling deeply. 

"Where are the kids?" He suddenly asked sitting up and looking around. It was quiet. Too quiet. Harry just smirked at him and Louis glared at him sternly.

"Macy is watching-"

"Macy?!" Louis shrieked.

"Yes, Macy." Harry nodded. "She has her kids this week and she was more than willing to watch ours for the night as well."

"She cannot watch four rowdy kids and a fourth month year old by herself, Harry. Why didn't you run this by me? What if something happens with Christopher? Does she even know how to take care of an infant?"

"Louis, she has a son and daughter too."

"Okay, our infant then?" Louis exclaimed and Harry laughed. 

"Louis, she's watched Luke when he was an infant and Maddie when she was too, if I didn't trust her then I wouldn't have asked her." 

"Yeah, but her and Preston were still married then and she wasn't watching them alone." Louis retorted.

"Her sister is visiting so she isn't alone." Harry countered and Louis exhaled, refusing to be defeated. 

"Why didn't you ask your mum or mine?" He asked crossing his arms stubbornly. 

"Because my mum is behind on her articles and needs to work and your mother has already done so much for us, I figured we'd give her and Dean a break." Harry said. 

"Harry," Louis sighed. "Seriously, now is not the time, I told you we could have, like, a date night another time." 

"You always come up with some reason to put it off. Well I'm putting my foot down. We're going to have a nice, romantic dinner, you're not going to complain and worry about the kids, and tonight we're going to make love, something we haven't done in months." 

"I know, but-" The phone started ringing. Louis froze and Harry watched him. Louis stood up and quickly walked over to the kitchen counter the phone was lying on. He picked it up and glanced at the caller ID as he stepped behind the couch. "It's the hospital, I can't answer it!" He dropped the phone into Harry's lap, catching him by surprise.

"Louis, it was your job interview. The least you could do is answer the phone." Harry told him picking it up the phone and holding it out to him. 

"I can't!" Louis shrieked holding his hands up. 

"Louis-"

"You answer it!" 

"It's gonna go to voicemail if you don't answer it!" Harry shouted. 

"Answer it!" Louis yelled hysterically. Harry groaned and rolled his eyes. He pressed the answer button and held the phone to his ear. 

"Hello?" He asked calmly. "Why yes, he's right here actually." He gave Louis a condescending look and held the phone up to him. Louis swallowed thickly and grabbed the phone from him, holding it to his ear. 

"Hello?" Louis asked nervously. Harry stood up off the couch and stepped around it so he was beside Louis. Louis looked down and grabbed his hand tightly. Harry watched him carefully. "Yes," He said with a small smile. "Yeah, okay." His grip loosened on Harry's hand. "Okay, thank you so much for calling." His hand slipped from Harry's and his smile seemed to fall. Harry bit his cheek, fearing the worst. Louis hung up the phone.

"Aw, honey-"

"I got the job." Louis whispered under his breath.

"You got the job?"

"I got the job!"

"Babe!" Harry exclaimed and wrapped his arms around him. Louis dropped the phone and it clattered to the wooden floor. He hugged Harry tightly and kissed his cheek happily. "Congratulations!" He cheered. 

"Thank you." Louis sighed contently. "I can't believe I got it!"

"Well I'm not, I knew you'd get it." Harry said grinning down at him. "And now we have a reason for our date night." He added promiscuously. "It's…a celebration night." 

"Do you we have to go out?" Louis asked looking up at him. His eyes shone with a certain kind of twinkle that was enough to make Harry's knees weak. He would've taken him right then and there. "I kinda just want to stay in." Louis added glancing down at Harry's shirt. He reached up and started playing with Harry's collar.

"Of course," Harry nodded. "I don't care what we do as long as we're doing it together, without the kids, and in the end we're making love."

"Is all you want is to have sex?" Louis asked him in amusement. He had let go of his collar and Harry nodded. 

"Yes, yes it is." He teased pulling Louis closer and he laughed happily. Louis tip toed up and kissed the tip of Harry's nose softly.

"I want to take a bath." He whispered rolling back down on his heels. 

"Saucy, I like it." Harry winked and Louis hit his chest. 

"You sound like a thirteen year old boy who's just found out about sex for the first time." He said making Harry laugh. "Why don't you start running it and I'll unpack the groceries."

"We haven't even eaten dinner yet," Harry stated. 

"I don't care, we can eat after." He shrugged. "I've been so tense and stressed lately just anticipating the interview and waiting to hear whether I got it or not and I just want to relax now." 

"Okay, sweets." Harry kissed him sweetly then took a step back. 

"Don't forget the bubble bath!" Harry waved him off.

"I know, I know!" He called back before dodging into the bathroom. Louis went into the kitchen and put away all the groceries. 

Harry was knelt beside the tub, holding his hand under the water then pushed the drain down. He picked up the bottle of bubbles bath and poured a more than generous amount it.

Louis jumped in front of the bathroom doorway, looking ready to pounce with a bottle of champagne in his hands and Harry looked up at him, placing the bubble bath down.

"Louis," He warned standing up slowly and held his hand out in front of him as an act of defense. 

"Louis what?" He asked tauntingly.

"I know what you're thinking," Harry stated. Sadly, on their wedding night he didn't know what Louis was thinking so when Louis popped the cork off so it hit Harry in the side then poured half the champagne over his head. . .he was a little surprised. 

"How could you possibly know what I'm thinking?" Louis asked smirking, the champagne bottle still cocked like a gun in his hands.

"You're going to get wine all over the floor."

"Oh, you're right." Louis stood up straight and Harry took down his guard. "Good thing someone invented towels!" Louis popped off the cork which shot off at Harry and hit him in the stomach. Foam poured out the top and Louis pressed his thumb against it so he could spray Harry with the champagne. 

The foam died down and Louis smiled proudly, placing the wine bottle on the bathroom counter. Harry was dripping with champagne. Louis smiled and brought the bottle to his lips, taking a swig. 

"Louis!" Harry stomped his foot.

"We're going to be taking a bath, so why not?" Louis asked placing the bottle on the counter. He grabbed a towel off of the towel rack and handed it to Harry with a guilty smile. 

"Why not? The floor and walls are wet with champagne now!" Harry hollered and Louis just shrugged. 

"You need to relax, pops." Harry tried not to smile but ended up grinning in amusement. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I'm only 30, don't call me pops." He said and Louis snickered. 

"I'll call you gramps!" He guffawed and Harry placed his hands on his hips. 

"Why do you act like you're ten years younger than you actually are?" He asked bemused making Louis only laugh harder.

"Because I've spent too many years of my life worried and sullen." He answered. "Now clean up the walls while I grab the glasses." He ordered before skipping out of the bathroom before Harry could even get a word in. 

Louis tried to reach the champagne glasses that were on top of the refrigerator and pushed all the way back. He couldn't reach them. So, he climbed up on the counter, grabbed them, and jumped down soundlessly. 

When he walked back into the bathroom, Harry was on his knees drying up the floor. 

"So you could actually reach them?" He asked as Louis placed the glasses on the counter. 

"Shut up," Harry laughed. He stood back up and slung the damp towel over the towel rack on the wall. 

"So what kind of bath are we actually taking?" He asked with a promiscuous glint in his eye. 

"A relaxing, romantic one, so get the candles and I'll pour the champagne." Louis stated hitting his arm softly. Harry just smirked and walked out of bathroom. 

Louis poured the glasses and Harry reentered with the plastic box of candles and a lighter. Louis leaned against the sink counter as he watched Harry set them up individually on the ledge and lit them. He turned off the faucet, pushed the box against the wall, and placed the lighter on the counter. 

He turned off the light switch and the bathroom darkened except for the glow from the candles. It looked so serene. Something about candles and bubbles was relaxing. Harry faced Louis and smiled at him. Louis reached up and grabbed the buttons of Harry's shirt, unbuttoning them. 

"So how was your day?" He asked and Harry laughed softly. Something about undressing him and asking him such a casual question struck him funny. 

"It was good." He said with a small smile and Louis pushed his shirt off his shoulders. "It's even better now." He teased as his shirt fell to the floor. 

"You must've had a really sucky day then." Louis teased back and Harry reached out, grabbing the hem of Louis's shirt, making him squeal with delight. He lifted his arms up, though, and Harry rolled the shirt off. 

"I've had worse days." Louis smiled up at him shyly. 

"And what was the best day of your life?" He asked. 

"Our wedding day." Harry answered without a single hesitation. "Or the days our children were born. Or the day I left that godforsaken EDU. Or the day they told me I no longer had to go into the clinic for checkups. Or the day we got engaged. Or the day we first made love." He added making Louis laugh. "What about you?" 

"Everyday I spend with you." He answered. "Or the day I left the EDU." He teased and Harry smirked at him. 

"But let's not dwell on the past!" He exclaimed. "But the present, and why are your pants still on?" Louis blushed and Harry reached out, grabbing the button and zipper of Louis's jeans. He undid them and pulled them down. Louis stepped out of them as Harry undid his own pants, tugging them down quickly. 

He leaned in and kissed Louis softly before pulling away. Louis smiled shyly, blushing. Yes, Harry still made him blush and smile and get rushes of giddiness every time he kissed him.

"Cmon, lets take our bath." He winked and Louis laughed softly. He pulled down his underwear and kicked them aside with his pants, as did Harry. 

Every single time he and Harry made love, which wasn't as often as before, he was always reminded of the first time they ever made love. More specifically, his feelings he felt when it had come the time to remove his boxers. 

He remembered how inclined he felt to just stop everything because he did not want to take off his underwear in fear of feeling too vulnerable or found ugly by Harry's eyes. But now he never felt hesitation. He was okay with it, he was comfortable, he felt safe.

"You get in first." Harry stepped in, flinching slightly at the temperature of the water. He sat down carefully and Louis picked up the champagne glasses, handing one to him. Harry took it graciously then Louis took his turn, stepping in. Harry grabbed his free hand and helped him down steadily as he sat down between his legs. Harry wrapped his arm around him and kept it there. "I am so excited about getting the job." Louis said contently and took a sip of his champagne.

"I'm glad, baby." Harry whispered. 

"It's weird to think I'm going to be replacing Dr. Bindle and working with Dr. Wentz and Dr. Fairchild when just ten years ago I was a patient there. I thought maybe that would've hindered my possibility of getting the job." Louis admitted. 

"Why? I think it would've boosted your possibility of getting it." 

"Yeah, well. . .I don't know, I just thought." He said with a shrug and rested the back of his head on Harry's shoulder. 

"When do you start?" 

"Monday." He sighed.

"How exciting." Harry teased.

"Do you think the kids are okay?" 

"Louis," Harry laughed. "I'm sure they're fine, if they weren't Macy would call us." 

"I know, but still. I hardly even got to see them today." Louis said and took a sip of his champagne. 

"Wait until they're teenagers and you'll be thankful for that." Louis elbowed him. 

"Don't say that." He scolded and Harry just laughed. 

"Sorry." He said rather insincerely. 

"They're all getting so big, it makes me sad." Harry tightened his arm around him and brushed his thumb against his skin softly. 

"I know, baby. Before we know it we'll be sending Christopher off to uni." He whispered in his ear before pressing his lips to Louis's shoulder. 

"Don't say that, I don't want to think about that." Louis told him dismissively and Harry laughed softly. 

"I don't even want to think about sending Madeleine to the 1st grade." It was quiet for a few minutes before anyone said anything. 

"Did you ever think our lives would turn out this way?" Louis asked letting his head fall back against Harry's chest.

"What way?" He asked softly. "The way where I have an absolutely gorgeous husband, three beautiful, beautiful children, and a happy life?" Louis smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, that way." He said softly. 

"Hmm, no." He stated. "I don't how I thought my life would turn out, I most definitely didn't think I'd meet my future husband in an eating disorder treatment hospital place." 

"Do you ever wonder how your life would've turned out if anything was different?" Louis asked. 

"Different how?" 

"Different like. . .one of us never ended up in the EDU, what if my mum never brought me to the hospital when I had fainted at her wedding? What if we were never put in the same room?" 

"I've never really thought of that because I'm too busy cherishing the time we're already spending together." Harry said then pressed a kiss to his neck.

"Knock it off." Louis rolled his eyes, smiling, and Harry chuckled.

"Why do you care? We were put in the EDU, we were put in the same room, we did end up together. Why do you want to wonder about what your life would've been like without me?" He asked solemnly and Louis shook his head.

"That's not what I'm saying, I was just asking if you ever wondered." He said before downing the last of his champagne. 

"Well, no, I don't wonder. What I do wonder about is the future and what it has in store for us because I can't wait to grow old with you." Harry said and Louis smiled bashfully. 

"You're already old." He teased and Harry nodded.

"I know." He lifted his hand up and pressed his fingers under Louis's chin, tilting his head so he was looking up at him. Harry leaned in and kissed him softly, moving his hand from his chin to his cheek. Louis's eyes fluttered shut and he kissed Harry back tenderly. Harry pulled away slowly and the tips of their noses brushed against each other's. "I love you." 

"I know." Louis said softly and they both laughed. "I love you too." 

"I know." Harry mocked and Louis elbowed him again. He let his head fall against Harry's chest again and Harry placed his champagne glass down, wrapping both of his arms around Louis tightly. He sighed contently. 

"Stop knowing and start doing." Harry laughed loudly. 

"Are you implying what I think you're implying?" He asked promiscuously and Louis shrugged with a playful smirk on his lips. 

"Interpret it how you will." Harry chuckled. "Speaking of which, let's set a few ground rules right now for the future. Maddie, Luke, and Christopher are not allowed to date until they're 25." 

"Babe, they could be out of college by the time."

"Exactly, I don't trust anyone in middle or high school, and I most definitely don't trust anyone at uni. They're just going to have to deal." Harry laughed heartily, but little did he know Louis was being absolutely serious. 

"We'll talk about it when the time comes."

"That time will never come because we're setting the rules right now." He stated without negotiation.

"So you want our children to be single for their whole lives?" Harry asked him humorously and Louis nodded. 

"No ones going to be good enough for my babies." He pouted and placed his arms overtop Harry's cozily. 

"I thought you said they couldn't date until they were 25." 

"We can make it older, if you'd like." Louis suggested sarcastically and Harry couldn't help but just laugh. 

"We were already married for, like, three years by the time we were 25." He stated and Louis was quiet. 

"So? We don't want them to make the same mistakes we made." Harry turned his head to look at him. 

"Mistake?" 

"I was just teasing." Louis smiled playfully. "But our kids are not allowed to get married until they have a college degree and stable job."

"You do realize what you're saying our kids can't do is everything we did?" Harry asked him and Louis nodded. 

"Well I was just excited to call you my husband, I might've rushed in." Harry grinned. 

"I was excited just to call you my boyfriend, I waited five months for that." Louis smiled happily. "But enough talk of the kids! This is about us." Harry snuggled him closely. "And about how proud I am of you, and how much I love you." Louis sighed contently, endeared by Harrys sweet words. 

"And I love you, and our kids, and the stars, and my new job, and the fact that we can finally look for our first house." Harry kissed his neck softly and Louis savored in the sensation it created. 

It seemed like it had only been 11 months since he was released from the hospital, but it had 11 years. 11 years and everything in his life was completely different, but he remembered believing that nothing in his life would ever change, that for the rest of his life he'd be depressed and battling his eating disorder no matter how hard he tried or persevered. And yeah, they both experienced some minor relapses in the past, but that was okay because that was only something that made them human.

Only ten years ago they both were sullen, struggling to accept themselves, and rather pessimistic about the world around them. Now they both were happy, content with themselves, and optimistic about what the future had in store for them, for they had only just begun living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fin.
> 
> thank you for reading this, I hope you enjoyed it although there's nothing fun about train wrecks. 
> 
> This was meant in no way to romanticize eating disorders, eating disorders are a serious mental illness which is not meant to be romanticized. If at any point in this story you felt like I was romanticizing then please let know so that I may fix it, I never had any intention to do that, my only intention was to educate. 
> 
> Once again, thank you for making it this far. This doesn't really give an accurate depiction of what it's really like to suffer from an eating disorder or to even receive treatment for one because I have no idea how inpatient treatment facilities work, but hopefully it's the least bit accurate or believable. I also did a lot of research while writing this so hopefully it's able to kind of give some insight. 
> 
> Be safe, I'll be on tumblr.


	51. Did You Know?

This story isn't exactly big but maybe there are people reading this who don't exactly know that much about eating disorders or maybe there is someone who is reading this who have/had an eating disorder or feels insecure about their body.

So here are some facts, helpful hints, and resources for anyone who might be suffering with an eating disorder, thinking of skipping a meal, or just wanting to learn something new (these are all pulled from the Internet, but from a reliable source):

Did you know. . .

The rate of development of new cases of eating disorders has been increasing since 1950 (Hudson et al., 2007; Streigel-Moore &Franko, 2003; Wade et al., 2011).

There has been a rise in incidence of anorexia in young women 15-19 in each decade since 1930 (Hoek& van Hoeken, 2003).

The incidence of bulimia in 10-39 year old women TRIPLED between 1988 and 1993 (Hoek& van Hoeken, 2003).

Of American elementary school girls who read magazines, 69% say that the pictures influence their concept of the ideal body shape. 47% say the pictures make them want to lose weight (Martin, 2010).

35% of "normal dieters" progress to pathological dieting. Of those, 20-25% progress to partial or full-syndrome eating disorders (Shisslak, Crago, & Estes, 1995).

Over one-half of teenage girls and nearly one-third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting, and taking laxatives (Neumark-Sztainer, 2005).

95% of all dieters will regain their lost weight in 1-5 years (Grodstein, Levine, Spencer, Colditz, &Stampfer, 1996; Neumark-Sztainer, Haines, Wall, & Eisenberg, 2007).

Eating disorders can be genetic or caused by psychological issues like coping skills, control issues, trauma, family trouble, or social issues. Each type of eating disorder has many possible causes.

A mere 10% of people with eating disorders receive treatment, and of those only 35% seek treatment from a facility that specializes in eating disorders.

An estimated 25% of college-age girls resort to bingeing and purging to manage their weight. 58% of the studied girls felt social pressure to maintain a certain size.

Men make up 25% of the population with anorexia and bulimia, but are the least likely to seek help due to the gender stereotypes surrounding the disorders.

According to a study done by colleagues at the American Journal of Psychiatry (2009), crude mortality rates were:

• 4% for anorexia nervosa

• 3.9% for bulimia nervosa

• 5.2% for eating disorder not otherwise specified

If you, or anyone you know, is struggling with an eating disorder the Alliance for Eating Disorders Awareness (ANAD) has a website (www.anad.org) with a list of eating disorder support groups by state. They also have a free brochure you can download titled, "How to Help a Friend." if anyone you know, or might suspect, has an eating disorder.

They also have a helpline (630-577-1330) which is open Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. central time. They also have an e-mail which is anadhelp@anad.org. 

Some other resources are The National Eating Disorders Association at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org  
and  
The National Association for Males with Eating Disorders Inc. at namedinc.org. 

It's very important to get help if you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder. Anorexia is the third most common chronic illness among adolescents and eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. Only 50% ever fully recover.

Thank you for reading this.


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